9th October '08 - I love the way this banking crisis is proving to be an excellent way of illustrating the solidarity of our wonderful European Union. The moment everything goes tits up, it's everyone for him (or in Germany's case, her) self. Personally, I've never trusted the whole British banking system, which is why all my money is tied up in Scandinavia. Those Icelanders know a thing or two about big business. One of 'em owns West Ham, you know...

7th October '08 - This whole banking collapse scenario. I don't know about you, but I'd have a lot more confidence if our Chancellor of the Exchequer looked a little more like a powerful, statesman-like leader and a little less like Steve Martin's idiot brother...

6th October '08 - My Union wrote to me to day to say that the Management had offered 2.5% as this year's pay award. Given the fact that the Government's own figures show inflation running at 4.7% in real terms, I'm curious as to just whom exactly the Management think will be stupid enough to tick the 'yes' box this time around. Just in case anyone was undecided though, the union helpfully pointed out that the big boys at the top of the organisation had seen their salaries go from £124,863 to £182,000 in five years, a leap of almost 50%, presumably, through saving money by offering us muppets derisory pay settlements. Hmm...can you spell s-t-r-i-k-e?

5th October '08 - Porn king Larry Flynt is in the spotlight for rushing out a hardcore film featuring doubles of Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice. 'Nailin' Payin' (sic) was made for ten thousand dollars and is no doubt exactly the same as every other grot flick ever made, but man, how much is it going to make with this kind of publicity? Check out Variety, AICN, Hollywood Reporter...pretty much any of the U.S. entertainment sites - it's all they're talking about. The guy's going to make a fortune. Shame the girl playing Sarah Palin wasn't clued up enough to negotiate a percentage deal. Then again, if she was that clued up she wouldn't be getting her hoop rattled in cheapo scud movies, would she?

4th October '08 - Swansea 3 Wolves 1. Six goals conceded in two games; two defeats in a week. I guess I ought to be grateful for the international break next week. Hopefully, by the next game, we'll have Big Chris Iwelumo back and Kightly will be fit again. Still, it could be worse. Losing to Reading is no disgrace (Swansea, however...) At least we're still in the hunt and it's a long way to the end of the season. No more shit defending though, eh, lads?

3rd October '08 - As I had a pocketful of change following a quick pint (or four) after work, I decided to have a flutter on the Euro Lottery. I've just checked the results and I've won £9.10. Unfortunately, I had six goes which cost me £9. My entire life in microcosm, folks...

2nd October '08 - Yes! At long last that useless twat Ian Blair has gone! Reading between the lines, it looks like Boris Johnson has convinced him to jump before he got pushed. Not a moment too soon in my opinion. The people of London are well rid of this politically-correct buffoon. Now the speculation turns to who his replacement will be. Frankly, they could give the job to Gordon the Gopher for all I (and I suspect most of London's coppers) care. You'd get better soundbites out of the puppet, too...

1st October '08 - Those of you who know me are aware of what I do for a living. Those of you who don't know me but pop here regularly have probably guessed. Whether you're one of my mates or have just landed here for the first time, you need to read this. Seriously, if you live in the UK and pay taxes then please, PLEASE, spend a fiver or so on a copy. Open your eyes...

30th September '08 - Wolves 0 Reading 3. Big buggery bollocks. Oh well, it had to end sometime. The worst thing was Kightly going off with a hamstring problem. And Jarvis. Cock. Make no mistake, this was a reality check. Steve Coppell's lot handed us our arses - in style. Bang goes the three point lead and half of our wonderful new winger set-up. The honeymoon is over, kiddies, it's roll-the-sleeves-up time...

29th September '08 - Those of you with Sky Plus, try this. Next time 'Countdown' comes on, grab hold of your remote control and freeze the programme when Des O'Connor is on screen. Next, adjust the colour and contrast so that Des's flesh tones look natural, then resume play. Hey presto! Des is now a normal bloke hosting a battle of wits between two pasty-faced vampire zombies! Brilliant! That Vorderman woman still looks orange, though....

28th September '08 - If you're missing Harry Potter and looking for the new big thing in children's fantasy (and why not?) could do worse than giving this a go. Or you could just wait 'til the film comes out next month. Hey, it's got Bill Murray in it; I'm there!

27th September '08 - Wolves 2 Bristol City 0. Twenty-two points from a possible twenty-four and the best start for the boys in old gold & black since 1948. I'm loving this, just loving it! After all these years of journeymen, has-beens and wannabes we finally have a killer young team (average age 23) capable of carving through any opposition. There'll be a big game on Tuesday though. Reading, who play pretty much the same way as us and also have four blokes capable of scoring. It's going to be a hell of a battle!

26th September '08 - Joe Kinnear has been appointed as the new manager of Newcastle United. Given the bloke's track record, the Magpies would've been better off with Roy Kinnear and he's been dead for twenty years...

25th September '08 - It's a £100 million 'Superdraw' jackpot on the Euro Lottery this evening. Let's take a bet on who'll win, shall we? I'm saying a Frenchman, but then again it could be a Frenchman or a Frenchman. Or maybe a Belgian. Or a Frenchman.

24th September '08 - George Michael has escaped a custodial sentence - or indeed any sentence whatsoever - after being found in possession of a Class 'A' drug (crack cocaine) whilst looking for rough trade in a public toilet in Hampstead. Apparently, he gave the idiot judge a sob story about how a conviction would render him unable to play an AIDS charity gig in America and the idiot judge let him off. I'd have thought that if George was that concerned about AIDS, he'd be doing all in his power to limit the spread of it, like, say, not having drug-fuelled gay sex with strangers in public toilets...

22nd September '08 - I must be off my head. I have a re-rostered rest day today, meaning I can take it easy and have a lie in, so what do I do? Get up at seven and proceed to spend the day ploughing through a couple of my write-ups for the NVQ in Management that I've so stupidly lumbered myself with. Eleven thousand words I've written today. On a day off. I must be round the bloody twist.

21st September '08 - If I'd known JK Rowling was going to give a million quid to Gordon Brown, I'd've never have bought the Harry Potter series in hardback. It's a good job she chose to do this after finishing Harry's tale, as I for one wouldn't have given a flying fuck what happened to the specky little twat if it meant any more of my hard-earned finding it's way into the clutches of that fat swivel-eyed Scotch tool in Number Ten...

20th September '08 - Preston 1 Wolves 3. Big Chris is back. Big Chris gets a hat-trick. Big Chris gets sent off, along with Wayne Hennessey and the Gaffer himself. Bizarre match, but yet another example of the awesome pace we've got this season with the two wingers dismantling the opposition at every turn. It may be that Iwelumo's red card will be overturned on appeal, but Hennesey's won't be, meaning we face a couple of games without the first choice goalie. Oh well, at least there's a three point cushion at the top now!

19th September '08 - Aarr! Aaarrr!! Today be the day, ye scurvy dogs! AAARRR!

18th September '08 - Well, the new Tomb Raider game is almost finished and the usual pre-release marketing frenzy has started. In keeping with tradition, new game equals new Lara model to do all the promotional stuff. This time however, they've gone for a real gymnast instead of simply scouring the agencies for the nearest big-breasted brunette. Check out what the poor girl has had to do for the job here. Ten years ago, all Nell McAndrew did was stick on a brown wig. Man, is this gig getting tougher or what?

17th September '08 - It's half past five in the afternoon and I've just woken up. I'm working Nights at the moment and I don't know what planet I'm on. This is because I worked Nights last week too as they were understaffed, meaning I did my Late shift (1400 - 2300) and then carried on for another four hours to help the guys out a bit. I won't be doing that again, I can assure you. Still, the diet's going well. It's hard to eat when you're snoring, isn't it?

16th September '08 - Wolves 2 Crystal Palalce 1. Despite a nineteen second goal from Ebanks-Blake, we still managed to drop into the familiar 'sleep-walk' mode from last season and gift Palace an eqaliser. Happily though, we woke up again and could've had a brace toward the end. Still on fire, still top. We've got 'bogey' team Preston on Saturday, so I'll take a point there. Mind you, I'd have taken a point from either Palace or Charlton before the games, so what do I know? Birmingham are still neck and neck with us, but after the Preston game, we'll have played three of the toughest outfits in the division and they've still got them to come. Is this the year for automatic promotion? Will I finally get some comeback on one of those pre-season bets I've been putting on since 1991? It's looking good...

15th September '08 - Ah, the Monday morning post. I'm beginning to feel like a pelican. Everywhere I turn these days there's a fucking great bill in front of me...

13th September '08 - Charlton 1 Wolves 3. It just keeps getting better and better. Despite going one-nil down to an absolute stonker of a volley, we battled back and managed to turn over one of the heavyweights of the division. At one point the little 'possession meter' on the BBC Sports website had us down as having 68% of the play. Excellent stuff! Roll on Tuesday at Molineux when we get the chance to do the double on the South London contingent. Crystal who?

12th September '08 - Have a look at this. Now with that image in your mind's eye, can you honestly tell me that Billie Piper is the sexiest actress ITV could find for the awful 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'?

11th September '08 - I've been reading a bit more about the Large Hadron Collider that CERN powered up the other morning. Apparently, the real high-speed collision stuff isn't due to take place until October 21st, and even if a microscopic, unstable Black Hole is formed and instantaneously burrows it's way to the Earth's core, we won't know anything about it for four years, at which point a brilliant stream of particles will suddenly erupt from the Indian Ocean into outer space, closely followed by the planet gradually collapsing in on itself and eventually taking the rest of the solar system with it. This should happen, if it's going to, around December 21st 2012, which, by a staggeringly curious coincidence, is the date given in the ancient Mayan calendar as the end of the world. Well, at least we won't have to worry about paying for the aftermath of the next Olympics, will we?

10th September '08 - Croatia 1 England 4. Fuck Setanta and fuck the BBC, who would rather pay Jonathan bastard Ross eighteen million quid for three years 'work' than pony up a better offer than two hundred thousand for us English people to watch the national team. Oh and fuck the FA, too, the fucking bunch of secretary-fucking fuckers, who couldn't be arsed to put some clauses in place to stop this happening. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. (Today's Diary entry was brought to you by the National Tourette's Society.)

9th September '08 - Although it's a perfectly easy mistake to make and totally understandable when one is tired after a hard day's work, can I just point out to the gentlemen present that women tend to frown on having milk and sugar absent-mindedly added to their peppermint tea. Sheesh.

8th September '08 - Nngg! A whole month to go until Season Four of the superb new 'Battlestar Galactica' drops through my door. After that, it'll just be a case of waiting for the final ten episodes to air in the New Year and avoiding all movie and tv websites until the last box set comes out. I am not by nature a violent man, but I will joyfully kill anyone who tells me anything about 'Galactica' from now until next April. Be warned!

7th September '08 - How come us Brits are known for our masochistic determination to eat the hottest curry available when we go to a restaurant, yet any supermarket curry you buy is generally insipid to the point of insult. I had a hot Chicken Madras from Sainsbury's today. You could tell it was supposed to be hot as it had three little chilli symbols on the box, yet when I actually came to tuck in, I found that Jamie Oliver and I obviously have wildly differing ideas as to what constitutes 'hot'. Mind you, I should've realised. Even the Chicken Korma had one little chilli on the packet and Korma is a dish I tend to classify as a dessert. Still, a good splash of the old Nando's 'peri-peri' sauce soon tickled the Madras up into something more edible. Jamie, you're a poof.

5th September '08 - They've finally knocked down Bushbury Baths in Wolverhampton, the place where I learned to swim and the scene of my famous forty-minute record-breaking score on 'Space Invaders' back in 1980. Bummer. What are the local schoolies going to do now? If it wasn't for the swimming lesson on a Wednesday morning, I reckon half of St. Chad's would've gone without a wash until they started their YTS programmes.

4th September '08 - In six days time, a scientific experiment will take place in Geneva, when a piece of equipment called the Large Hadron Collider will be powered up in an attempt to find out what happened in the very first moments after the Big Bang. 'Yes, Bill, so what?', you're probably thinking and I was too until I read that the machine itself is, how can I put it, somewhat on the large side. Like it's seventeen fucking miles long and the experiment in question could, theoretically, create an artifical black hole that would tear the planet apart. Somewhat worrying, no? However, the boffins at CERN who are in charge of the thing say there is 'little chance' of this happening. Er, I'm sorry, but 'little chance'? I don't know about you, but I for one would need something a tad more robust on the odds front than 'little chance' before I'd hit that button. I mean, there's 'little chance' of winning the National Lottery, but some bastard does every week, don't they? I think I'm going to take the day off a week next Wednesday and have an ale or two. Just in case I find myself waking up on Saturday with my toes in my earhole...

3rd September '08 - The Arab bloke who's just taken over Manchester City is worth a few bob. Old Roman Abramovich at Chelsea is said to be worth eleven billion quid. Impressive, but the bloke with the towel on his swede has got six hundred billion in his back pocket. By contrast, Steve Morgan, the Liverpudlian tycoon who owns Wolves is worth four pound sixty. Bugger.

2nd September '08 - This just takes my breath away. Even looking at the pictures and reading the statistics, I simply can't take in the size of the thing. And then there are all the other headfucks, like a restaurant on the 122nd floor, a swimming pool on the 73rd and the fact that it's 688m tall at the moment, they're adding a floor a week and it's still nowhere near finished. I have simply got to see this before I die. Half a fucking mile of skyscraper! If they'd built it in London, you could see it from Oxford. My brain is having trouble processing this. Unreal.

1st September '08 - There comes a point in every man's career when the drive and fire goes out as he finally realises he can see his retirement peeping over the horizon and waving happily at him. Tony, my boss, has just had this epiphany as we picked up our payslis this morning. "Only another sixteen payslips and I'm out!", was his observation. I did a quick bit of mental arithmatic and told him I'd got another two hundred and sixty-one. The bastard was still smiling after lunch.

31st August '08 - As it's the weekend and I'm not working, I decided to take one of my 'proper' hayfever tablets last night to try and hammer this snot-fest I've been suffering from all week. Big mistake. I've only just rolled out of my pit. I won't disgrace myself by telling you what the time is, but put it this way - a nice bath, a quick read of the new 'Empire', and it'll be time for an early night what with work tomorrow. Bloody Piriteze. They're more relaxing than crack...

30th August '08 - Wolves 5 Nottingham Forest 1. Wow. A masterclass in passing and finishing that left the faithful hoarse from all the cheers of 'Ole!' after every successful pass. Nothing between the teams for the first twenty minutes and then that was it - once Forest had conceded the first goal they were simply danced off the park. Four down at half time and, despite a ten-minute rally at the start of the second, they were never really in it again. We are now top of the table with a +5 goal difference. Unheard of! There's a two week gap now for internationals. Not a bad way to go into a break, eh?

29th August '08 - I realise my taste in music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I have to give a nod to the new Slipknot album, 'All Hope is Gone'. Brutal, yet with some surprisingly melodic stretches that almost remind you of early Opeth. It won't sell over here of course, and it certainly won't get any airplay, but if you feel the need to have your ears punished by some superior metal, give it a go...

28th August '08 - As a Wolves fan, I'm no stranger to the 'delights' of dull football, but the way Liverpool played against Standard Liege last night was in a different class. I have never sat through a more bone-crushingly dull game of televised football in my puff. I even had two bottles of Beck's left at the end of the match, as I decided on about the hour mark that I didn't want to waste any more beer on such a turgid display. Awful, awful game. And then the cheeky Scouse chappies go and nick it right at the end in exactly the same way that Wolves don't. If I'd paid to go and see that, I'd've wanted my wedge back. Even the commentator said it was 'torture'. By 'eck, it's grim oop north.

26th August '08 - Rotherham 0 Wolves 0 (AET). Then guess what happened? Yup, penalties. And we all know how great Wolves are at penalties, don't we?. Still, I suppose I should be grateful we slotted three out of five and only completely missed the huge, rectangular target twice. Sadly, Rotherham only missed once and that was the end of this particular cup campaign. I can honestly say though that this was one of the dullest games I've ever listened to in the seven years that live internet matches have been broadcast. Seriously, I can't recall one single decent shot on goal from either team. It's almost as if neither manager fancied the chance of another boring trophy cluttering up the dressing room. Weird.

25th August '08 - My pension update came today. It told me how much I'd get if I left now and how much I'd be retiring on if I carried on earning what I'm earning at the moment. Bloody depressing it was too. I'm going to have to nab some sort of promotion before too long or it's looking like Pot Noodles from the age of sixty-five. Either that or it's time to start kissing some managerial arse. Anyone know how you become a Mason?

24th August '08 - Did anyone catch that programme on Channel Four last night about how the planet would cope if all the humans suddenly disappeared? Fascinating stuff. Ok, so things were a bit grim for the first few years while the rats and the cockroaches had a party, but once nature re-balanced itself (after about fifty years), the planet was lovely. All the cities had turned green, the oceans were clean and full of life and the air quality was as pure as it was before we came along. Wonderful. Now if only someone would invent the time machine and you lot would all fuck off, I'd have a lovely time!

23rd August '08 - Ipswich 0 Wolves 2. Well, that was more like it! Funny, but with Jody Craddock sidelined and Karl Henry donning the captain's armband, the makeshift defence did very nicely, thank-you. I don't know what has happened to the sister-shaggers since our last visit, but this was nowhere near the battle I was expecting. In fact, it was quite a comfortable win in the end. Wolves played with confidence and attitude from the moment the whistle went. Let's have a few more of these, Michael!

21st August '08 - I know I've been knocking the Olympics over the last couple of weeks, but that Usain Bolt is a bit quick, isn't he? Imagine a Jamaican battering both the 100m and 200m times and taking both golds in the process. No offence, but Jamaicans aren't exactly renowned for their 'up and at 'em' approach to life, are they? Perhaps he's had some of these. I had some this evening and I'm fairly sure I could've given him a run for his money, especially if there was a cold beer at the finishing line. Wow!

20th August '08 - I got utterly soaked by Global Warming again today. I hate that this keeps happening. Perhaps I ought to pay some more taxes so that Alistair can fix it?

19th August '08 - As I'm on a couple of Rest Days from the gruelling four-tier shift pattern that I'm forced to work in order to earn a crust in this God-forsaken city, I though today might be a good time to do all my computer updates. All was well until I spotted the alert from Nokia. 'Would you like to update your phone's software?' was how they put it. Perhaps a more accurate pitch would've been 'Would you like us to delete every fucking address, number, game and ringtone in your memory so we can drop a couple of un-eraseable advertising cookies into your phone's brain'? Wankers. Hearty apologies if you call me over the next few weeks and get greeted with 'Hello, who the hell are you?' Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

18th August '08 - In case you heard me this evening, I'd just like to point out that thing that ran over my foot wasn't 'just a spider', alright? And I didn't 'scream like a girl'. It was in fact one of those Martian tripod things from 'War of the Worlds' and I was merely expressing a manly roar of rage combined with a gasp of appreciation at the sheer size of the beast. Or something...

16th August '08 - Wolves 4 Sheff Wed 1. Apart from the usual 'let's have a twenty-minute nap in the first half' syndrome, this was a pretty solid performance form the boys. I will now say, hand on heart, that our midfield and strike-force are as good as anything in the division. The goalie's not bad, either. All we need is a couple of new bods to shore up the back four and we're laughing. We've never got over the loss of Joleon Lescott, frankly, and Jody Craddock, bless him, just isn't up to the job...

15th August '08 - And it's a Happy Fiftieth Birthday to the Queen of Pap - sorry, 'Pop' - herself; the one and only Madonna Louise Ritchie (for the time being) Ciccone, or whatever she's called. It seems like only yesterday that I first heard her debut single 'Borderline' and thought to myself "Now there's a girl who sounds like a sheep on helium, she's got no hope!" How wrong I was! Well done, Madge! You're living, empowering proof to women everywhere that a very little talent can go a very long way in the notoriously fickle music industry - especially if you have sex with your producer. Jelly bean, anyone?

14th August '08 - Has anyone else noticed that all the medals won by Brits so far in the Beijing Olympics have been won by women? Where are our blokes? Apart from the Judo lad from Wolverhampton who went over in a blaze of hype, apparently to have a bit of a cuddle with some foreigners (sorry, but I thought the art of Judo was to overpower one's opponent using their strength against them, rather than simply trying to balance in a starfish shape whilst on top of their prone form), there's not been a squeak from the British men. Puzzling. Still, I managed to catch a few minutes of the Women's Beach Volleyball today. Actually, it was more like an hour and a half. My, doesn't time fly when you're having fun? Although it's amazing how dry your tongue gets when it's hanging outside your mouth for any length of time...

13th August '08 - Wolves 3 Accrington 2. A hard-fought Cup battle for McCarthy's men as they twice came from a goal down against the awesome footballing gods of Accrington fucking Stanley. Every August I stick twenty quid on Wolves being promoted to the Premiership and every March I rip the thing up in a resigned fit of melancholy. Not this season, though! This season I'll be ripping it up in December...

12th August '08 - Despite having worked in the same building for almost twenty years, it still never ceases to amaze me the number of people I work with who simply cannot grasp the concept of the flushing toilet. Time after time, I head for the cubicle only to be confronted by Richard staring up at me from the bowl. Why do people do this? How much effort is it to push the bloody lever and flush? I normally wouldn't post anything as scatological in nature as this, but today was just too much. Both cubicles. Both of them. And not just Richard, pureed Richard. Vile.

11th August '08 - Following on from yesterday's post, I have discovered that the culprits behind 1% milk are Robert Wiseman dairies, currently being run by one Alan Wiseman. Alan is a Scotchman and his company, Wiseman Dairies, were one of a number of dairy companies investigated by the Office of Fair Trading for a £270 million price-fixing scam, which resulted in combined fines of over £116 million. So, a bent Scotchman with iffy business practices. Sounds like a perfect Ministerial candidate to me...

10th August '08 - Variety. Spice of life and all that. Question is, when does too much variety become ridiculous? I reckon it's when they bring in another level of milk, like the one I saw in Tesco this afternoon. Now, there's your full-fat milk with the blue top, your skimmed milk with the red top and your semi-skimmed with the green top, right? They're 4%, 0.1% and 2% fat respectively. So far, so sensible. Something for everyone there, you may feel. Except now there's a new one - 1% fat, which sits there next to the skimmed in an orange top looking faintly embarrassed. Why? Why does this product exist? There's simply no need for it. Only growing kids and idiots drink full fat, while people on a diet (ie, virtually every woman) drink skimmed. This leaves semi-skimmed for everyone else. Who decided that semi-skimmed was just a tad too rich and that skimmed was just a tad too insipid? Who felt that the extra 1% of fat that semi-skimmed offered was unacceptable, but that losing out on a further 0.9% by drinking skimmed simply wasn't on? Who was this person and can we have them killed, please, before they realise their natural calling and gravitate into politics?

9th August '08 - Plymouth 2 Wolves 2. And here we are again; a new football season. My, hasn't the time flown! It's like we've never been away, as, sadly, this performance shows. Same old Wolves. Creative and dangerous going forward, sloppy and inattentive at the back. This game was a microcosmic view of Mick McCarthy's entire tenure so far. Oh well, a point's a point...

8th August '08 - Four pounds. That's how much weight I gained from yesterday's extravaganza. I am now officialy a fat whack. The diet starts now. Well, not now exactly as I'm out again tonight. And tomorrow night. Monday. The diet starts first thing Monday. I intend to be back in my thirty-inch waist Levi's by the time I hit forty, even if I have to saw a leg off to do it.

7th August '08 - The Great British Beer Festival, Earls Court. What can I say? Superb stuff! We'd been planning this one for ages. A top fella named Graham will be retiring this year, so we arranged this one in his honour. Graham t-shirts and Graham masks were the order of the day, which I liberally distributed all around the venue, along with Graham beer-mats and colouring-in Grahams for those taking a break from the drinking. Then the man himself turned up and was feted as royalty for the rest of the evening, with people signing his shirt and him signing theirs. It was a thoroughly enjoyable event. As to the beer, the bad news is that Cain's have gone into administration (no more 'Raisin Ale'? No!), but we managed to find several new favourites, such as Bath Ales' wonderful 'Barnstormer' and Shepherd Neame's 'Canterbury Jack'. For me, the prize went to an American bottled beer which I think was called 'Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout'. I may have misremembered though, as I had two bottles of it and it was 11% (although, to be fair, I didn't realise it was 11% until I was halfway down the second one, by which time it was wa-a-y too late.) Anyway, a positively awesome day out and roll on 2009, which will be the fifteenth year for the boys and girls from work. Who knows, we might even knock up another t-shirt. By the way, the venerable Wangbar took some piccies. Have a look here.

5th August '08 - I'm getting a bit tired of the 'moral majority' having a pop at the new Batman film for being too violent. I couldn't believe the editorial in the Daily Mail today. There they were, banging on about the Joker enjoying killing with a knife 'because it takes his victims longer to die' and a part in the film where a man's eye is 'viciously jabbed out with a pencil'; neither of which statements are factually correct. What the Joker actually says is this: "Do you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savour all the... little... emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?" Far more subtle, and all the more disturbing for it, don't you think? As for the thing with the pencil, it's actually embedded in the table and a goon's head is bounced onto it at high velocity. No eye, no blood; just a pencil upright on a table in one frame and gone the next. So if you're going to express righteous indignation over something, at least do so from a position of credibility, yeah? Like, actually watch the thing you're getting worked up about before you start honking, otherwise you just end up looking really fucking stupid. And for the record, yes, it's violent and yes, I do think it should've been a 15 rather than a 12A, but have a pop at the idiots at the BBFC who classified it as such, rather than the makers of the movie.

4th August '08 - Only three beer days to go now until beer my annual pilgrimage to beer 'The Great British Beer Festival' at Earls beer Court. It's very beer strange, but I don't seem to be feeling my usual beer levels of excitement and beer anticipation this year. Perhaps I'm beer finally beer beer. Beer.

3rd August '08 - By now, you're probably sick of all the hype surrounding the new Batman film, 'The Dark Knight'. You're probably telling yourself it can't possibly be as good as everyone's making out. You'd be right. It's way, way better. Do not wait for this film to come to DVD, get your arse to a cinema and see it on a big screen NOW. IMAX if you can. It's absolutely astonishing!

2nd August '08 - Wolves 4 Blackburn 2 (Friendly). It could easily have been six, too. Against Mr. Ince's full-strength Premiership outfit. Not bad, Mick! More of this for the next forty-six if you please!

1st August '08 - In a fit of misguided nostalgia, I decided to have a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch this morning. It's half eight at night and I'm still tasting the bastards. Unpleasant.

31st July '08 - It's almost Beer Festival time, and last night we picked up the t-shirts that I'd designed especially for the occasion. A very dear friend of ours, Graham, is retiring this year, and as he's a bit of a Real Ale boy, we decided to have this year's visit in his honour. In the strictest secrecy, I knocked up a t-shirt with his face on a la Warhol's 'Marilyn' and stuck some of his best quotes from the last fifteen years on the back. I was hoping we could maintain the surprise until the day itself but, alas, it was not to be. Graham found out about them. However, he is still in the dark about the fifty life-size masks I've made of his face that I'll be handing out to everyone I meet, though. I can't wait to see his face when he turnes up several hours after me only to be confronted with several dozen other Grahams wandering around drinking ale. Awesome!

29th July '08 - Muslim women - warm, isn't it? Still reckon that head-to-toe black burlap is the very thing, do you? It must be awfully oppressive to be so visibly oppressed, especially in this heat. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

28th July '08 - Ralph Fiennes' nephew is playing the young him in the next 'Harry Potter' film. Know what the little tyke's name is? Hero Fiennes-Tiffin. I think old Ralph ought to pop round to his sister's and give her a fucking good smack, don't you?

27th July '08 - What was that I was saying a few days back? Jee-sus, it's hot. After spending five hours out and about on a job this weekend, I currently resemble Mister Sweaty the Happy Beetroot. When you have a cold shower and find yourself, half an hour later after drying off, wetter than you went in, you KNOW it's too hot. I'm going to sit quietly in the fridge and drink some beer...

26th July '08 - As we finally get a taste of Summer, here's a quick tip for you all. If you've been working hard all day and fancy a nice, cold orange ice-lolly once you've finished, have it there and then. Don't stick it in the door-pocket of you van to have when you get underway and then promptly forget about it, 'cos it doesn't half make a fucking mess.

25th July '08 - Old Mick McCarthy usually knows what he's doing, and off-loading Freddy Eastwood to Coventry after he failed to impress was a good move in my book. However, parting with Seyi Olofinjana...I don't know. The guy was a bit special and I hope we don't come to rue that one later on...

24th July '08 - Interesting fact for you. Did you know that an estimated half a million mice live on the London Underground system? Not on the carriages themselves, obviously. I mean, they're far too dirty and unhygienic to subject poor little rodents to. Somebody might complain to the RSPCA....

23rd July '08 - I know it's Summer at long last, but was there really any need for three grown men in my department to turn up for work today wearing 'Crocs'? Deeply sad. Oh well, at least it's the twenty-first century. I suppose I should be grateful they didn't turn up in brown sandals with white socks...

22nd July '08 - The Wildhearts have just released a 'covers' album. It's called 'Stop Us If You've Heard This One Before' and it's fucking stupendous. Go here and have a listen. Then buy it.

20th July '08 - I'm a bit depressed today. I downloaded a 'fun new mobile phone game' this afternoon called 'Dr. Kawashima's Brain Trainer', which, I was assured, would 'train and motivate' my cerebral development in an ongoing routine of mental dexterity. The first thing it did was subject me to a high-speed virtual game of predictive 'stone-paper-scissors' and then tell me I was a complete cabbage with a mental age of seventy-four. Bastard. Dr. Kawashima can go and blow himself, it's back to mobile 'Tetris' for me from now on...

19th July '08 - Fucking hell! What with 'The Dark Knight' next week and this next year, it's just possible that Warner Bros might just get some of the money back that they pissed away on the God-awful 'Speed Racer'. I can't wait!

18th July '08 - Is there an epithet for July? I mean, we had 'Flaming June' and it pretty much was this year (just in time for my holiday - yay!), but I'm hard pushed to think of a soubriquet for this month. 'Grey July' perhaps? 'Cold, Novembery July'? 'The Next Person Who Mentions Global Warming Gets A Smack In The Mouth July'? Hmm...

16th July '08 - Wolves have finally off-loaded that over-hyped, under-achieving donkey Freddy Eastwood to Coventry for a million and a half. You just know he's going to start slotting them in left, right and centre from day one, don't you?

15th July '08 - The last of my Cornish beer supply has gone to the great recycling plant in the sky. Boo! No more Sharp's 'Doom Bar' for a whole year! Poor Fish!

14th July '08 - Well, I'm back. Sorry about that but work will intrude, won't it? Basically, it all went tits-up last Thursday and has only just calmed down again. I am positively snowed under with the sheer volume of work I've generated and if I find myself looking at one more bloody shoemark on a grey London paving slab, I'm going to scream. Well, not really, and only for a few days until I can clear my desk again. Lots of things have been said and written over the last few days about the spiralling knife-crime figures here in this once-great city, with one fatuous prick (possibly a Nu-Labour minister) stating that it could take fifteen years to turn the tide of stabbings as it was all down to disenfranchised youths with no sense of hope for the future. Bollocks. It would take a matter of weeks to end knife crime completely. Simply rush the Death Penalty onto the statute books again. Everybody wants it - apart from those being paid to represent our views, of course.

8th July '08 - And there I was thinking old Gordon Brown didn't have a sense of humour! Fair play to the lad; anyone who can attend a conference on world food shortage, eat an eight course meal (from a choice of nineteen) and still find time to tell us all we could save £8 a week by eating our leftovers is obviously one of the finest comic minds of our generation. I literally coughed my coffee all over the table reading this in the paper today. Not even Spike Milligan's writing did that to me!

7th July '08 - I'm a firm believer in the old adage of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it', which is why I'm a tad disappointed with the new Firefox 3 browser I've just downloaded, because it won't let me enter anything on my own website. At all. I'm here using bloody Internet Explorer, which I despise because it takes an age to upload, and trying to uninstall Firefox 3 and go back to 2.5, which of course it won't let me do. Arse! Why can't they just leave things alone?

6th July '08 - Can anyone explain to me why they're making another 'Terminator' film? And why they've chosen McG, the twat who brought you 'Charlie's Angels', to direct it? And why it's going to be released as a kid-friendly PG-13? Is Hollywood tired of making money all of a sudden or what?

5th July '08 - Ow. I was out last night celebrating the Fourth of July at a very nice pub in Fulham called 'The White Horse' (or 'The Sloaney Pony' to it's regulars.) After several hours of Sierra Nevada 'Torpedo' (at 7.5%) and Rogue 'Smoke Ale' (at 5.9%), it became suddenly apparent that a good walk home would be just the ticket. It was about a mile and a half in my head. Sadly, in reality, it's about five. In steel toe-capped workboots, too. This must be the first time ever that my feet have had a hangover...

3rd July '08 - Although my union days are long behind me, I still keep in touch with the lads on the committee even though I'm now on of 'them' - scumbag management (albeit a very small cog in a ridiculously over-sized machine). Today, I found out what sort of pay-rise proposal they're pitching to the board for next year, given the fact that the last two have been well below the rate of inflation. Now, being the eternal pessimist, it always gladdens my heart to see examples of blind, cheerful optimism in people who genuinely believe they have a chance of finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but come on lads, six and a half per cent? What the hell have you been smoking? I realise the point of initial bargaining is to start out wild and eventually negotiate downwards, but this is silly. You may as well have added 'blowjobs for everyone off Angelina Jolie' to the list; there's as much chance of us getting that as 6.5%!

2nd July '08 - That Andy Murray is a bit of a cock, isn't he? Surely this nasty Scotch racist can't be the best hope we have for underachievement in the tennis this year? Where's 'Tiger' Tim when you need him?

1st July '08 - I'm having pasty withdrawal symptoms. I've now gone three days without a Philp's Premium Steak and already I'm salivating and twitching just thinking about them. Crack addiction has got nothing on this...

30th June '08 - Oh well, back to work, and you have no idea how many e-mails were waiting for me this morning. In fact, it took until lunchtime to get through them all. A significant amount were from the same person; a fellow meaningless middle-management drone, trying desperately to find cover for his under-staffed unit. If I hadn't been on holiday, I could've picked up a truck-load of overtime, but then again, I'd rather have had the pasties...

29th June '08 - I have no idea how I came to be watching the highlights from Glastonbury this evening, but there you go. All I can say is, I've never been the biggest fan of Hip Hop before I saw 'Jay-Z' this evening, but after a performance like that...what can I say? I really hate the shit now. Those ker-razy student types who spent a hundred and eighty quid to be shouted at by an angry black fella really ought to have thought about it beforehand. They could've simply stood around at the bus-stops at the top of Brixton High Road and saved themselves a fortune. Ah well, stick it on the Student Loan and worry about it later...like all through your Thirties.

16th - 28th June '08 - St. Ives, Cornwall - I put up with fifty weeks of shit every year for these two. A marvellous time was had, and for once the weather was glorious. I spent every day out and about, seeing the sights and getting loads of fresh sea air (apart from one day where it was misty and rained non-stop, where I chose to sit in a pub, eating and drinking instead, so it wasn't a complete loss.) Spent a fortune, put on five pounds, and no doubt stuck my cholesterol levels through the stratosphere, but I care not a jot. It was fantastic. Oh well, back to porridge and water for the foreseeable future. Boo! There's a brace of frozen pasties in the freezer and a few bottles of Sharp's Doom Bar squirrelled away for a rainy day, however. I shall enjoy savouring these through the cold, dark winter months. The one downer was finding out that my favourite Cornish beer, St. Austell Cornish Cream, was being discontinued this December, so I had to make sure I got enough down my neck to retain some sort of chemical memory of it. It's a crying shame they're stopping it. It's a gorgeous, creamy sweet version of Guinness and only 3.7% abv - a perfect session stout. Never mind, I'm sure Sharp's Special will fill the gap next year - even though it's 5.3%. Oo-er!

14th June '08 - See you in a fortnight, monkeys! Penzance, here I come!

13th June '08 - This one goes out to my old mate Dave: Now, over the years, I've given those blue-skinned Scotchmen a fair bit of stick here at billythefish.com, but today I discovered a reason to sing their praises. For the fact is, when it comes to after-drinking foodstuffs, they are light-years ahead of us poor, deluded English lightweights with our kebabs. Gentlemen; from Glasgow, I give you the 'Munchy Box'  Wow. I am in awe.

12th June '08 - And here's the reason I'd never buy a sat-nav. The Fishwife decided to 'make life easier' this morning by printing out an AA routemap from the interweb so that I would know exactly how to get from Streatham to St. Ives on Saturday. The version that came back was all about weaving through Wandsworth, taking the A4, then the M4, then the M32, several 'A' roads into Bristol and several 'B' roads out before finally joining the M5 at Avonmouth. Well yes, that's certainly one way of doing it. Or I could simply follow the M4 to the very end where it joins the M5 anyway. Technology, eh? Do you ever get the feeling that the sat-nav manufacturers are in league with the petrol companies?

11th June '08 - Went to the cafe this morning with a mate for a full English breakfast. For some reason, he didn't understand why I didn't want plum tomatoes with mine. So I told him. The reason I didn't want plum tomatoes is that they look like boiled, aborted foetuses and I didn't want them lying there, steaming and bleeding all over my plate. Funnily enough, he ended up leaving most of his after I'd pointed this out...

10th June '08 - Just seen the weather forecast for next week. Rain. It's lovely and hot and sunny at the moment while I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get some sleep after my night shift, but next week, when I'll be in Cornwall, the weather is due to turn 'colder and wetter'. If ever I meet that Joker-faced Welsh weather tart, I'm slapping the cow.

9th June '08 - All over my ISP's homepage are links to their competition site where you can win tickets for this year's Glastonbury. What, you mean it hasn't sold out this time? I find it hard to believe that the students are not positively flocking to pay their £160 for the chance to spend a weekend in a muddy field watching Billy Bragg, Gilbert O' Sullivan and Shakin' Stevens. They've even lined up The Wurzels. I suspect, Mr. Eavis, that you've crossed the fine line between 'post-ironic' and 'taking the piss' this year. How about for 2009 you try something you haven't done for the last three decades or so? Grow some fucking produce on your poxy farm.

7th June '08 - I had a never-ending dream last night that I was on stage with 'Metallica'. James Hetfield had me in a playful, manly head-lock as we belted out songs from '...And Justice For All'. Hours and hours seemed to pass this way. I have absolutely no idea what this dream is supposed to mean, other than I'm to lay off the jalapeno crisps I was eating at half-seven that evening. I can still feel the sweaty heat from old Jim's left tit as his wiry chest hair irritated my cheek. Disturbing. How come I've never dreamed about the lead singer from 'Benedictum' in this way?

6th June '08 - After much scratching of head wondering why my computer's sound card was making 'banging' noises, I decided it probably needed a clean. So out came the can of compressed air and the minivac and off came the side panel. You have no idea just how much accumulated dust and fluff I had lurking there. By the time it was all blasted out and gathered in one place for hoovering, you'd have sworn that Uncle Albert had been living in the back. Runs like a dream now, though. Quiet, too.

5th June '08 - I see Gazza is going the same way as George Best; both as a pathetic public drunk and as an unlikely folk-hero. As he was sectioned for a second time this week, the letters pages in the paper were all full of Get Well Soons and Isn't It Sads from the sort of idiots who'd happily buy the twat a drink if they ever met him. Pathetic. When these 'celebrities' go off the rails publically, then there's a certain amount of sympathy...for a while. The first time is a 'cry for help'. The second time is a 'relapse'. Anything after that is 'taking the piss', which is the stage this Geordie halfwit reached a long time ago. Personally, I think we should just let the sad fucker get on with it, if only so the good people of Newcastle can have a lovely time throwing £1.99 bouquets of flowers from Morrison's at the passing hearse a few months from now. Be a nice day 'oot' for them, won't it?

4th June '08 - This 'Global Warming' thing is a bit on the wet side, isn't it?

3rd June '08 - My last full week of work before the annual fortnight's holiday in Cornwall. I'm on the home run now and it's a lovely feeling. Not long now til pasty and St Austell ale time. Woo hoo!

2nd June '08 - Rumour is that Wolves are about to offload both Freddy Eastwood and Michael Kightly. Can't say I've ever rated either of them, so cash in now, Mick, and splash out good and early! The sooner any Summer signings are in, the sooner they can start gelling into the team. Automatic promotion next year! I'm nothing if not optimistic!

1st June '08 - Dr. Who last evening was a Steven Moffat episode; the first of a two-parter. You remember him; he's the one that wrote 'Blink' last year (the Weeping Angels) and 'Girl In The Fireplace' the year before (Madame de Pompadour) - both being easily the best episodes since the series re-launched. Tonight's Moffat offering had digital ghosts, skeleton spacemen and invisible flesh-eating shadow monsters. Bloody brilliant! I can't wait for next Saturday! It's like being twelve again!

31st May '08 - Flogging Molly, London Astoria. The first time I saw this band four years back, there was about forty people in the joint. This time they'd filled the Astoria to capacity and then some. A fantastic night of jump-around music that I'd recommend to everyone. If you've never heard of them, they're an American/Irish band who fuse traditional Irish music with ska and punk. Not the most accurate description, really, but hey, go here. This is what they're like, only much, much better live. Highlight of the evening for me was when a friend of mine decided to go crowd surfing for the first time because 'you only live once'. When they eventually resurfaced twenty minutes later nursing a rapidly blackening eye and an insane grin, I asked if it'd been worth it. "Oh yes", she replied happily, "But my son will wonder who gave me the shiner!" Her son is twenty-one, and he spent the evening at home watching telly. Kids of today, eh?

30th May '08 - Sorry for not posting for three days, but I've been reading. WH Smith were doing a 'buy one, get one half price' on their paperbacks, so I thought I'd indulge. I've been hearing loads of good things about the Coen brothers' last film 'No Country For Old Men', so I thought I'd check out Cormac McCarthy's novel to see what all the fuss was about. On a whim, I decided to pick up his most recent book 'The Road' as well to pad out the deal, and here I am seventy-two hours later having missed more than one meal. The former is easily one of the best pieces of crime fiction I've ever read, utterly gripping and compelling, with the greatest bad guy since Hannibal Lecter. The latter, however, is something else. 'The Road' is about a man and his young son struggling to survive in the aftermath of a global catastrophe (a supervolcano by the sound of it; it's never specified.) By turns harrowing, uplifting, desolate and moving, this book completely blew me away. By the end, I was crying like a schoolgirl. Ii's been a very long time since I've read anything with this sort of raw power and beauty, no wonder it won the 2007 Pulitzer. If you have a soul and an ounce of imagination, please, read it. It's breathtaking.

27th May '08 - Only seventy-one days to go until The Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court. Not that I'm counting or anything...

26th May '08 - Astounded by the Bank Holiday telly this evening. Apparently, what Britain really needs to showcase it's talent at the next Royal Variety Performance is either a woman with a jumping dog or a fat Sikh dancing to Michael Jackson songs. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

25th May '08 - I feel sorry for Leeds this evening. With the shit season they've had, fighting all the way back from a fifteen point deduction to a play-off final, only to lose to Doncaster must be an absolute pisser. Still, they looked a solid enough team, and I've no doubt they'll be dead-certs for automatic promotion next time. All they seem to be missing is a striker capable of lighting the division up. Hey, maybe we can give them Freddy Eastwood! He might be the biz in Division One. After all, he was shite in the Championship...

24th May '08 - Well, apparently, the new 'Indiana Jones' film is just fine, thank you. All the reviews agree it doesn't capture the magic of 'Raiders...' (few films do), but that it's not the worst in the franchise, which most reviewers point out as 'Last Crusade'. Me, I disagree. The worst 'Indiana Jones' film by far is 'Temple of Doom', which was completely and utterly ruined by that Christ-awful Chinese kid. Any improvement on that has to be a winner.

23rd May '08 - We keep getting told that the nation is in the grip of a binge-drinking epidemic, that hitherto unimagined amounts of alcohol are being consumed by ever-younger members of society, and that, unless we do something right now, our livers will all explode. Or something. This is patently nonsense. Back in Elizabethan times, we as a nation, drank at least ten times the levels of alcohol we do today owing to the hideous state of the water. Drinking ale all day, every day, was the only way to keep hydrated. It never did our ancestors any harm at all, and many people back then used to live to the ripe old age of forty with no problem whatsoever...

22nd May '08 - Cheryl Cole...bless you, darling, but you do actually realise that footballers come in colours other than 'black', don't you?

20th May '08 - I've just bought a new camera for my holidays. Look. It's the tits, isn't it?

19th May '08 - I'm now at that part of my shift pattern where I only work Monday to Wednesday, as I'm on the weekend once more. It's great doing a three-day week. It's just like being back in the Seventies. All we need now is rampant inflation, shoddy public services and simmering racial tension and the illusion will be complete. Er, hang on...

18th May '08 - I've just been on 'YouTube' watching the scenes of Rangers fans on the rampage after losing their UEFA match in Manchester last week. Unbelievable. We must be the only country in the world to put up with this and the reason, quite simply, is that our police 'management' are a bunch of Left-wing-to-the-bone Social workers, who would rather appease the thugs and scum than allow the hard-working boys in blue to wade in and disperse them. If those repellent drunken Scotchmen had tried pulling this stunt in America, they'd've been breakdancing on the end of a taser wire in ten seconds flat...

17th May '08 - So the Championship play-off final will be contested between those heavywight bastions of footballing prowess, Hull and Bristol City, will it? Neither have any money, neither have any hope. I have a sneaking feeling that whichever one goes up will make Derby's eleven point finish look impressive.

16th May '08 - Here I sit on one of my well-earned Rest Days after a week of Nights. Time, then, to add another bit of inane bollocks to the site and catch up with the emails, which is where I got a bit of a shock. You see, I honestly had no idea how many people out there were concerned about my penis. I've just deleted thirty-seven offers for vacuum enlargers and Viagra knock-offs of varying types. How have I suddenly found myself in this demographic? Where are they getting their information from? For the record, just let me say that getting little Billy up to the mark has never been the problem. Finding somewhere to put him, however, was often the cause of much chagrin in the past...

15th May '08 - It's amazing how mis-hearing just one small word can dramatically alter your perception of a conversation. Two blokes in the office were talking this evening, and one was bemoaning his footwear. Apparently, his sock kept slipping down into his boot and he was forever having to reach down and tug it out again. I thought he said 'cock', which put a whole different spin on things. I was vaguely aware of him looking at me in a 'it wasn't that funny' sort of way, but I was too gone to care...

14th May '08 - Legislation is slowly kicking in to remove certain food colourings from the things we eat. The latest one to be yanked is E143, or 'green' as we know it. They've already removed it from the lime cordial that I'm partial too, but the next casualty is mushy peas and it's fair to say that makers such as Batchelors are not happy. Apparently, they're worried that if our mushy peas are served in their natural khaki/grey state, rather than being the colour of the Incredible Hulk's left one, we might not want to eat them. What a load of drivel. So we only eat things with a vibrant artificial hue, do we? Like mashed potatoes; they're colourful, aren't they? Or minced beef - wow! How vivid are those browns? Bollocks. People don't give a stuff about what colour the food is, it's the taste they appreciate. Anyone who buys food to sit and look at it is an idiot. Stop your whingeing and get it down you.

12th May '08 - I nipped into the oriental supermarket on the Walworth Road yesterday, where I discovered a phenomena known as wasabi-coated peanuts. I opened the tin when I got home and popped one into my mouth. My face exploded. It was so delicious, and so hot, that I literally wept. I popped another one in, and then another. They were as addictive as crack cigarettes and I sat there cramming handful after handful of them into my face as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I've done a bit of searching since and found 'Funky Pepper', an online company that delivers them. Go here and buy a tin before I order the lot. Also on this wondrous site are hot pepper sauces up to a Scoville rating of five million. For comparison, military grade pepper sprays are rated at two million. I think you can therefore appreciate that some of these condiments are what is technically known as 'fucking insane'.

11th May '08 - Going back a few days, I was happily wobbling on about how I thought the new 'Speed Racer' movie looked dreadful and how I was taking great delight in telling the fanboys on AICN that it would be a huge turkey, and boy, did they howl me down. Well, let's examine the evidence, shall we? The first weekend's takings are in and they're...how can I put it...bad. The film cost north of $100 million to make and took around $20 million. Compare this with 'Iron Man', which cost $135 million and took $98 million on opening. Hmm...what we have here folks, is what's known in the trade as a 'flop'. I love it when I'm right! So now I'm off the tell the fanboys 'I told you so' and tune 'em up even more. Wicked, ain't I? Is it as bad as I'm making out? Click here for the first seven minutes of the, ahem, 'story' and see what you think...

10th May '08 - Ooh crikey, it's hot! We've had three glorious long, sunny afternoons on the trot. I hope this doesn't constitute Summer this year. It did this time last year. Everything was gorgeous for three weeks until I got to Cornwall, when it pissed down for a fortnight. Where's this global warming when you need it? Ah, sorry. It's 'on hold' for a decade, isn't it? I forgot.

9th May '08 - I'm absolutely livid that 'TalkSport', my favourite radio station, has sacked the mighty James Whale for telling the listeners of London to vote for Boris Johnson. This is down to new director Moz Dee (and what a trendy, right-on name that is) taking a firm stance against his presenters being overtly politically biased. Right, so you'll be getting rid of George Galloway too then, will you Moz? After all, the 'Respect' party councillor was there again this evening, no doubt peddling his usual left-wing bollocks. Or is it only the right-wing political view you're interested in silencing? Well, that's one long-term listener your station has just lost, and I'm not the only one either from what my mates have been telling me. Way to go, Moz! Sack your most successful 'shock jock' for being controversial. What are you going to do when Galloway starts his next vile anti-Israel rant? Give him a raise, probably. Wanker.

7th May '08 - Well, that's it. 'Is This You?' is finally open and will be featuring my photo captions from now on. A picture is worth a thousand words, so they say, which is how the idea came about. I'm trying to do something along the lines of the 'Have I Got News For You' picture round in order to generate a cheap laugh. Hope you like it...

6th May '08 - Click here for the latest trailer for 'The Dark Knight'. Is it me, or is there a fairly hefty spoiler two thirds of the way in? You know, the Maggie Gyllenhaal thing? I would've thought that such an OMG moment as Joker chucking Batman's childhood sweetheart out of the window would be something that Warner Bros wouldn't want leaked before the movie was released. The fact that it's there makes me wonder just how much of a rollercoaster ride this film will be if they can afford to toss out a killer moment like that in the bloody trailer! Can't wait, kiddies!

5th May '08 - Now that the dust has settled, all that remains to be said is that if Hollywood plans to remake 'Dead Man Walking', they ought to give Gordon Brown a call, as he's doing a sterling impression of one at the moment.

4th May '08 - Wolves 1 Plymouth 0. Like pulling teeth, that was. By the time we'd got the goal we needed to make the last play-off spot, Watford had equalised at Blackpool, meaning we had to stick another two past Plymouth to take Watford on goal difference.We didn't. It could all have been redeemed in injury time though, when Blackpool were awarded a penalty, but they missed it and so it's another season in the Championship for Mick and the lads. Still, next year, we'll...ah, bollocks, I say this every May, don't I?

3rd May '08 - I had a 'moment' today, as the girls went for a bit of a shop, so I took myself off the the multiplex to see 'Iron Man'. I was never really much of an Iron Man or Avengers fan as a kid, being more of an X-Men junkie, but I can honestly say this is pretty much the best superhero film to date. It's got a good story that's well plotted, decent effects, and some top-notch acting, with Robert Downey Jr absolutely nailing the billionaire playboy persona of Tony Stark. Well worth your time and effort seeing on a big screen. If you rated 'Spider Man 2' and 'X2' as the benchmark superhero films then give 'Iron Man' a go. It's even better.

2nd May '08 - I thought the 'Rainbow' clip on last week's 'Have I Got News For You' was funny enough, but the guest presenter this week was Brian Blessed. I have never laughed out loud at this show so much in all the years it's been on. Somebody sign the man up now! Angus who?

1st May '08 - Well, I did my bit. Straight into the Polling Station after work to vote for Boris. I asked the lady in there what the turnout had been like. She said 'unusually high'. Either Ken's supporters are rallying round him in droves here in Streatham or people are turning up to make sure they get rid of the bloke. I wonder which it is...

29th April '08 - It's a 'double rollover' on tomorrow night's Lottery, meaning that someone will win eleven million pounds. This is indeed an impressive sum of money, but does anyone else remember ten years ago when the normal Saturday Lotto jackpot was seven or eight million? This 'jackpot' has gone over twice and it's 'only' eleven million? What's going on? I decided to have a look and, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act 2000, I was able to go here and see that sales for the Lotto are positively roaring. Indeed, for the most part, they're going up year on year. So where is all the money going? Either half the punters are no longer playing (which, if you've ever queued to put your ticket on at any supermarket tobacco counter, you'll know isn't the case), or Camelot are carving themselves an increasingly large slice of the pie. Well, like I said, the relevant information is out there, it just seems to me that Camelot are counting on the fact that we won't go checking because we're too stupid, and for the most part, they're correct in their assumption, aren't they? I mean, they got another bloody fiver off me this morning...

27th April '08 - For those of you who missed it on this week's 'Have I Got News For You', here is a link to the discussion between the three main candidates for London Mayor. Go on, it's hilarious!

26th April '08 - Coventry 1 Wolves 1. You'd think that would've been that, wouldn't you? Except that Crystal Palace lost to Hull, meaning it all goes to the last game next Sunday. We have to beat Plymouth and pray that Blackpool beat Watford or Palace lose against Burnley. Come on, Les - have a word with your lads for us!

25th April '08 - Well, it had to happen, I suppose. The green light has now been given for a new series of 'Blake's 7'. Thankfully, it's being commissioned by Sky, so Russell T. Davis won't be getting anywhere near the thing (meaning there'll be no 'gaying-up' of Avon, for which we can all be eternally grateful.) People tend to remember 'Blake's 7' for all the wrong reasons: cheap sets, dodgy Servalan costumes and appalling special effects. What they forget are the excellent scripts and entertainingly subversive storylines. 'Blake's 7' lent it's influence to so many later series (notably 'Farscape', 'Babylon 5' and, most of all, the rather brilliant 'Firefly'.) For once, I'm all in favour of a 're-imagining'. Done correctly (a la 'Battlestar Galactica'), this could be the tits. They'll have to get the right actor to play the charismatic, sociopathic genius Avon though. Any suggestions?

24th April '08 - Big debate amongst the lads in the office today about whether quirky-looking Hollywood actress Hillary Swank would get a portion or not. I said 'yes', but then again, I'm a sleazy hound. What do you reckon, yes or no?

23rd April '08 - I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to go out and buy 'Grand Theft Auto IV', but look at this. I keep looking at it online and thinking how awesome it's going to be. The Fishwife thinks I should just swallow my pride and go and be ripped off for a PS3 if I want it that much, but I have my principles! Why should I pay in pounds for a 40GB machine what the Septics pay in dollars for a 60GB one? Just because the rest of my countrymen are moronic retards who will queue up to be stolen from doesn't mean I have to follow suit! Shame, it does look a stonking game. I'll give this recession a few more months to bite and then get one cheap when everyone is busy buying food instead.

22nd April '08 - Wolves 3 Cardiff 0. Aw crap. You see, that's what I hate about my team. The moment you write the season off, they decide to display a bit of spirit and prolong the agony. Before today, we were five points behind Crystal Palace with a game in hand and facing Dave Jones's side; who normally give us a good seeing-to. Now, we're only two points adrift and praying that we win against Coventry and Plymouth while Palace mess up against one of their last two. Too stressful, Mick! Oh well, at least he's built the team for next season. If we're not up this year, we surely will be next. And yes, I remember saying this last year. And the one before that...

21st April '08 - I see John Prescott was as successful a Bulimic as he was a Home Secretary. He obviously had no problem getting the pies on board, it was the sticking the fingers down the throat bit he had diffuculty with. Anyway, cynic that I am, when Nu-Labour drops one of these out-of-the-blue, WTF stories on us, I tend to look around for the other news being buried. Either this was simply a shameful plug for the fat whack's autobiography or a blatant smokescreen to cover the fact that fifty billion pounds of taxpayer's money has just been 'loaned' to the City to prop up the wobbly money market. Time will tell...

20th April '08 - Highly irritated by the fact old Gordon is honking on the world stage about Robert Mugabe clinging onto power when the election results appear to show otherwise. At least Mugabe held an election, you swivel-eyed Scotch twat.

19th April '08 - Wolves 1 Ipswich 1. And with a ninety-fourth minute equaliser, the sister-shagging yokels effectively end our season. Five points off the play-offs with only three games left. Oh well, roll on August...

18th April '08 - Oh Lordy. Tom Cruise is apparently gearing up to make his own 'Sci-Fi trilogy' according to Variety magazine. What's the betting it's based on something that fruitcake L.Ron Hubbard devised? Tom, baby, Scientology is a weird cult and nobody likes a weird cult. Sorry, but there it is. I predict if the Cruiser goes ahead with this, he'll do a Michael Jackson and piss all the money and credibility from the last twenty years right up the wall. 'Battlefield Earth', anyone?

16th April '08 - I have found an entertaining and rewarding new sport. It's called 'Rip The Piss Out Of The Sad Fanboys' and anyone can play. All you have to do is go to 'Aint It Cool', the rather excellent geek movie news site here and set up an account. Then, simply jump onto one of the topics, find out what the concensus of opinion is and loudly disagree with it. Pretty soon all the nerds are baying for your blood and typing pages and pages of rhetoric justifying their point of view and belittling yours, even though you really don't give a toss and are only there to tune them up. Marvellous stuff! My favourite at the moment is to loudly and repeatedly slag off the new Wachowski Brothers movie 'Speed Racer', which, to be fair, looks truly dreadful, but to a fervent seventeen year old American kid alone in his bedroom typing himself into a frenzy, it's pretty much the second coming. I simply wait until a dozen or so of the little tykes post a line attributing to it's 'awesomeness' and then on I go, telling them that it looks shit and that it'll be lucky to get it's money back. Hey presto! Instant shriekfest! I love it! There's a Doctor Who page too. Believe me, nothing gets Who fans riled up like telling them you thought Colin Baker was the best Doctor. Go on, give it a go. It's like shooting fish in a barrel...

15th April '08 - Wolves 0 Scum 1. Arse biscuits. One scabby point from two games in hand. I reckon that's about it for this season. I just can't see us pulling back a three point gap from Crystal Palace in the few games we have left, certainly not against the likes of Ipswich and Cardiff. Oh well, Super Mick has now built the side he wanted. Roll on next season and automatic promotion!

14th April '08 - It's apparently Monday evening. Not that I'd know, as I've just woken up after a seven day stint on Nights. I went to bed at eight o'clock this morning and I opened my eyes in bed half an hour back genuinely not knowing who I was, where I was, what time of day it was or whether I had just gotten in or was supposed to be getting out. If this is a taste of early-onset Alzheimers, then Terry Pratchett has my sympathies...

13th April '08 - Things I Lie Awake Worrying About No. 283: Why did they call the movie 'Jurassic Park' when most of the dinosaurs in it are from the Cretaceous Period?

12th April '08 - Bristol City 0 Wolves 0. Right here, right now after this sort of performance against a team who have been at the top or thereabouts of the Championship all season, I am more than happy with a point. We could've come away with all three if the referee hadn't turned down one of the most blatant penalties ever, either. Even the home crowd went silent after that tackle, just waiting for him to point to the spot. Shocking. Still, we are ending this season in fine form and getting better and better each Saturday. Unlike 'Doctor Who'. I have a sad, sneaking suspicion that the shark has finally jumped...

11th April '08 - When was the last time you went 'aargh!' in frustration? When was the last time something utterly pointless drove you up the wall? (Apart from whatever it was that Gordon came out with this week) If the answer is 'ages ago', then you obviously need to try The Impossible Quiz here. Go on, get those neck veins throbbing!

10th April '08 - Is it me or is the Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger slowly turning into Tony Hart? Every time he's interviewed I keep looking for Morph behind his shoulder...

9th April '08 - There was an amusing interview with Rory Bremner in last night's 'Evening Standard'. I love the look that seems to be sitting on the faces of all these media Socialists these days now they're finally seeing all their dreams come true. Anyway, old Rory is just a tad disillusioned with Gordon Brown's performance. He said "It's like having an uncle who's been building something in the shed at the bottom of the garden for ten years...you look through the window and there's nothing there." Rory, sweetheart, the reason why there's nothing there is because the grasping Scottish wanker has spent all his time selling off the entire contents of the shed. Give him another year and he'll have gotten shot of both the shed itself and the land it's built on, too...

8th April '08 - My polling card arrived today. Hooray for Boris! Almost time to get the nasty little Livingstone out. I hope my fellow Londoners will join me. That is, unless they want to have a twenty mile an hour speed limit imposed and a £25 congestion charge.. Then again, knowing some of them, they probably do...

6th April '08 - You idiots pointing at the snow-covered roads and claiming it as proof that climate change is upon us, may I remind you of the date? And also of the old proverb about 'not casting a clout until May is out'? Check the season. It's the beginning of Spring, retards.

7th April '08 - Had to laugh at all the scenes of disorder and mayhem surrounding the world tour of the Olympic flame (an idea first championed by the Nazi party, by the way.) All those sad muppets jogging surrounded by security bods who were in turn surrounded by plod and all of them collapsing in scuffles with little Chinese fellas every twenty yards. Brilliant entertainment! Why though, did nobody think to follow the FA Cup winner's example and simply stick the flame and the celebs on an open-top 'bus? They could've attached a snowplough to the front, too, and then any idiot sitting in front of it would simply be harmlessly swept into the gutter. That would've been hysterical!

5th April '08 - Was it me or was 'Doctor Who' absolutely bollocks tonight? That Tate woman was as cringingly awful as I thought she was going to be. You could see her constantly bumping up against her limited acting ability and dying to drop into her tired old 'shouty catchphrase' act. And to add insult to injury, yet another Russell T. Davies pantomime script. Man, it's going to be a lo-o-ng season...

4th April '08 - My old mate Matt turned up at work today. It's been six years since he left our place and for a brief moment I was tempted to run up to him and tell him that he'd lost some hair and put on shit-loads of weight. And then it occurred to me that if I did, he'd probably tell me the same thing. Sheesh...

2nd April '08 - Re: below. No, it didn't. Theyre obviously going for some deep, deep undercover marketing here and frankly, it's more effort than I can be arsed for. The third 'Dark Knight' trailer may well eventually be a sublime exercise in directorial brilliance but I'm not prepared to piss about solving 'clues' to see it. So, in the spirit of trailer teasing, it's bollocks to 'Batman' - here's 'Hellboy II'. Ooh, we like!

1st April '08 - The viral marketing campaign for 'The Dark Knight' ramped up a notch today when a new website 'appeared' here with packages left at listed locations for the first person who came in and claimed them. Clever stuff. Once it all plays out and the lucky punters get their prizes (Joker-themed bowling balls), the site should give way to the third and final trailer. Very nice marketing, boys. Shame I was in Croydon and not Central London today, I could do with a new fourteen-pounder...

31st March '08 - It's not big and it's not clever, but when you discover a work colleague has just bought the same new phone as you and hasn't a clue how it works, you kind of feel morally obliged to change the language settings to Japanese while he's out of the office. I should've saved this one for tomorrow morning and blamed it on a rogue update 'beamed' from his service provider. Ah well, there's always next year...

29th March '08 - Charlton 2 Wolves 3. Back in a play-off spot for the first time since December and all down to the sheer brilliance of Sylvan Ebanks-Blake, who at £1.5 million is starting to look like the bargain of the decade. Another two great goals; the second of which was a piece of individual skill that would've made Maradona proud. We've still got a tricky run in, but we did promotion the hard way in '93. Could this be a repeat performance?

28th March '08 - Finished the final part of David Gemmell's 'Troy' trilogy. Not bad at all. Shame that there'll be no more long, lazy days of reading courtesy of the great man. Rest in peace, chap, and thanks for the excellent stories over the years. Those of you who've not read any of Gemmell's books, I urge you to go and buy this. It's 'fantasy', yes, but not that 'elves and dragons' bollocks - think 'Sharpe' meets 'Conan'. Awesome stuff!

25th March '08 - Off for a long weekend in sunny Wolver-hamper-ton. Plans include lying in bed reading the last David Gemmell book and...er, that's it. Like I've said before, they're called 'rest' days for a reason. If they were called 'let's traipse round Ikea for four hours poking all the bean-bags' days, then I would happily concur with the wife's way of thinking. As things stand though, it's me and Dave and a cast of thousands, all running round in the privacy of my own head. Marvellous.

24th March '08 - Another Bank Holiday, another rostered shift. Three of us in the office today and the sum total of sod-all going on. The most exciting development of the day was around lunchtime, when the 'Sharpe' re-runs on satellite tv reached the 'Liz Hurley gets her wabs out' episode, for which she was treated to a rousing 'wa-hey!' from a appreciative audience. After that, we went into a bit of a decline and not even the traditional 'who can drink the most tea in a nine hour shift' game could raise much interest. I won, though. Eleven cups. Well, it's a matter of pride with these things...

Easter Sunday '08 - Snow at the end of March? I don't know what odds the bookies would've given me on a white Easter if I'd've splashed a tenner last Summer, but I bet I could've got a bloody good round in with the winnings...

22nd March '08 - Wolves 3 QPR 3. It's a good job I was at work when this was on because if I'd've had to listen to them coming back from behind three times, I'd've probably ended up eating my own head in red-faced frustration. Somehow, this hard-won point led to us climbing two places and still staying one point off a play-off spot. I've never seen the Championship as tight as it is this season. No wonder Mick McCarthy wants to buy an EIGHTH striker. Judging by the state of the defence though, I'd be looking to shell out the wedge back there instead.

21st March '08 - I want one of these. Is this the tits, or what? Gimme!

20th March '08 - Even by the standards of the average working Joe, I'm up early, especially when I'm on what passes for my 'normal' shift. At about quarter past six on these particular weekdays, I'm just rolling into work and it always amazes me to see the market traders already out and about setting up their stalls ready for the East Street market. Now I get up early because I'm being paid a decent screw to do so, but to be awake at this ungodly hour for the chance of a three pence mark-up on a cauliflower simply doesn't do it for me. No wonder there are so many gangsters in the East End. If it was a choice between pushing a barrow down the Walworth Road in the moonlight or a career as an armed blagger, I'd have twelve inches sawn off the Purdey quicker than you could spit. So what if I got banged up? At least it'd be a lie-in.

19th March '08 - My thumbs won't take this. Not only have I got 'Doom' to play on my new Nokia, I've also found the classic 'Carmageddon', too. How good is that? Check out this place if you like playing games on your phone but don't want to be sodomised for £4.50 to get them.

18th March '08 - Wolves 2 Scunthorpe 1. Thank the Lord Harry for that! Things are getting really tight in the Championship right now. Back up into eighth place and only a point off of a play-off spot. I'm nearly forty years of age, I don't need this!

17th March '08 - The new 'Mac Book Air' is being aggressively marketed as the thinnest laptop in the world and...er, that's it. So if you're one of those people for whom style is everything, then fill your boots. Me, I kind of like my laptops to do something other than sit there being thin, like being capable of running a stable operating system, having a decent screen and a graphics card that can handle something more demanding than 'Tetris'. Still, it's your money, so if you fancy shelling out a grand and a half for a computer that will fit into an envelope, then be my guest. At least you'll be able to post the fucker back easily when it breaks down...

15th March '08 - Burnley 1 Wolves 3. Mick McCarthy was forced to make four changes to his side for this match due to illness and injury. The result was probably the most convincing performance they've put together all season. Let's hope he doesn't dick about with things too much for the game on Tuesday night. If we play like this at home, then it's another three points in the bag.

14th March '08 - This is the day when, according to statistics, all those of you who are slaves to the plastic will have just about drawn level with the interest payments on your credit cards. Congratulations! For the rest of the year, you'll theoretically be paying off your actual debt, rather than paying the card company for the privilege of being indebted to them. That is, of course, provided you don't stick anything else on the tab in the meantime. D'oh!

13th March '08 - I've hurt my thumb. This is due to me spending two solid hours playing 'Doom' on my mobile phone. I am a sad, strange little man and I deserve your pity.

12th March '08 - An online poll at one of the American sci-fi channels has voted the Weeping Angels from the Doctor Who episode 'Blink' as the scariest TV monsters ever. Too right! Even now I find myself walking more quickly past statues whilst keeping my eyes on them for as long as possible. Brrr...

11th March '08 - I found an excellent thing on the interweb this morning. Apparently, one of the favourite pastimes of farmers in the American Midwest is to cover a piglet in grease, let it loose and see how long it takes them to wrestle it to a complete state of submission. Fantastic fun, and exactly the thing I'll be asking Jimmy Savile for a go at if ever he resurrects 'Jim'll Fix It'. Only I don't want to grapple with a piglet. I want a naked, oiled-up Alison Goldfrapp to play with. "Dear Jim. Please could you fix it for me..."

9th March '08 - According to an advert on the radio this morning, the Government is now insisting that businesses need to register any migrant workers they employ from outside the EU. Apparently, they are concerned that people may be turning up illegally under the guise of legitimate workers only to disappear under the radar and never be seen again. Obviously, this has worrying ramifications for our national security, so if you'd like some more information, why not pop along to the Government's own website over at www.stable-door.com/pissingintothewind.

8th March '08 - The forthcoming 'Iron Man' movie looks to be worth an hour and a half of your time. Click here for the final trailer.

7th March '08 - Finished all my lovely Rogue beer and also finished 'Prison Break', too. Except I haven't. Because Season One doesn't actually end so much as go straight into Season Two. Arse cakes. That's another thirty quid to shell out...

6th March '08 - Comedy balloon Katie Price (aka Jordan) released her own range of lingerie this week and had half a dozen ladies of all shapes and sizes dressed up in it for a photo-shoot. "Any woman can look great", she trilled. Having seen said pictures of some of the poor, unfortunate creatures all I can say is this: No love, they can't.

5th March '08 - I must say this 'Prison Break' is rather good. I'm about halfway through both it and the crate of 'Dead Guy Ale' as I write this and I'm enjoying both equally. The only problem is going to be when all the DVDs are finished, as I've nothing left in the rainy day cupboard. Looks like it's back to surfing the interweb again. Either that or watching terrestrial telly. No, not watching terrestrial telly. I would rather lick Marmite from a tramp's testes than spend an evening in front of 'Coronation Farm'.

4th March '08 - Wolves 2 Southampton 2. An injury time equaliser for the Saints and Mick McCarthy booed off once more. The attendance was a mere twenty-one thousand and with pperformances like this, it will only continue to drop. Still, on the plus side it'll mean I stand a good chance of getting a chicken balti pie at the Cardiff game...

3rd March '08 - In what must surely be a record for Royal Mail, yesterday morning's order of glorious Rogue beer arrived this afternoon. I've just prised one open and, despite being almost a year out of date, it's still in absolutely perfect condition. (Then again, a case of 6.5% ale kept in brown bottles in a sealed box in a cellar is hardly going to go spectacularly off in twelve months, is it?) So, here's the plan. Get the wrapper of those 'Prison Break' DVDs that Herself (sorry - 'my wife') bought me for Christmas, crack open another Dead Guy (what a great turn of phrase!) and pass the evening in a happy haze. I love this new shift pattern!

2nd March '08 - Well, most of the time an existence in London can be one long monotonous chore, but sometimes, just sometimes, a small shining nugget of gold can be panned from the never-ending tide of effluent that surges past us disguised as 'life'. Take today, for example, when I found this place. I rang them up. 'Chap, are you telling me you're selling Rogue 'Dead Guy Ale' for only 99p a bottle?', I asked. 'Yes' he replied 'It's out of date, so I'm having a clear out. I can do you a case, delivered, for sixteen quid.' Sold, stout yeoman! Several delightful evenings lie ahead for myself and my trusty tankard in the near future, one feels...

1st March '08 - Colchester 0 Wolves 1. Two wins on the bounce now and a mere couple of points off a play-off spot. It's still too early for me to uncross my fingers yet, but Super Mick would appear to have sorted out which of his seven strikers he now prefers to start with. Here's hoping we put a bit of a run together now, just as things are getting a bit wobbly for Watford and The Scum...

29th February '08 - I've no idea if this is a taste of things to come now that I'm married and *respectable*, but this is the first night out with the lads up at Crobar and the Intrepid Fox I've had this year and we're almost a quarter of the way in! Anyway, a good time was had by all happily sinking Budvar and chatting away against a backdrop of Heavy Metal and fishnetted totty; none of whom I was looking at in any way, shape or form. At all. Ever.

28th February '08 - Having just finished Jeremy Clarkson's latest book, I feel I must congratulate his wife for coming up with the best swear word I've heard in ages. By combining two of the more satisfying swear-words, 'c*nt' and 'bastard', she's managed to create the sublime 'custard'. As in 'That Gordon Brown...what a complete custard'. Fantastic, eh? This one's going to get some use...

26th February '08 - After posting record losses for the last twelve months, the video game giant Eidos have announced great things for the next Lara Croft outing, 'Underworld'. There'll be all-new moves and fathfully body-mapped animation fit for the next-gen consoles. Keeley Hawes will once again be voicing Lara, and we're promised a gripping and thought-provoking storyline full of twists and turns. Given that the target audience for Tomb Raider is male and in it's early Twenties, I can't help thinking they're going somewhat over the top here. Simply get the animators to make Lara's tits bounce and they'll shift crate-loads...

25th February '08 - Well, that's me done. All wedded and semi-respectable. The only thing troubling me after three whole days of married life is the fact that I can't stop twiddling my ring (fnarr, fnarr) and I get an uncontrollable urge to speak in a Papa Lazarou voice very time I utter the words 'my wife'. Uh-oh.

14th February '08 - Aah! Valentine's Day, and what better time to lay the news on you good people that the site will be down for the next week or so as I'm off getting married. Yes, Herself still hasn't gone after seventeen years together, so it's time to admit defeat, bite the bullet and get fitted for the old ball and chain. Back on the 24th. Wish me luck!

13th February '08 - Blackpool 0 Wolves 0. In my opinion we were lucky to get nil. Against a team that came up from the second division last season. Not good, is it?

12th February '08 - Following on from yesterday, I got up nice and early to pick up that Special Delivery from the sorting office. There I was, patiently standing in line for half an hour only to find when I got there that the item in question was, in fact, 'out on the van', meaning they were trying to deliver it again. Back home I went, and guess what I found on the mat upon opening the door? Yup, another 'sorry you were out' ticket. Looks like tomorrow morning has become fully booked, too. Nothing like a relaxing couple of Rest days, eh?

11th February '08 - When I finally get round to writing the sitcom I've been toying with for the last three years, I shall be including the events of this morning somewhere in the series. I came in from Night shift at eight a.m. and went to bed, only to be telephoned by no less than three different people from work over the next hour; all of whom thought I was on Earlies. One of them was my own boss. At around half past nine, the plumber came to sort out the leak in the upstairs flat and proceeded to start yanking the floorboards up, at which point I decided to just get up and hang on for an early night instead. I did get some sleep, though. There was a half-hour window when I must've dropped off into a short but blissful slumber in the armchair. I know this because it's apparently when the postman came with the Special Delivery that I've now got to spend tomorrow morning queuing up to claim...

9th February '08 - Another huge Euro-Lottery jackpot and - miraculously - I got four numbers and a lucky star, netting me £198. I was well chuffed with this until I saw that five numbers and a lucky star was £6.5 million. Ooh, so close to an early retirement! What? Wolves? Oh, they lost again, but I only do 'news' here...

8th February '08 - The headline acts at this year's Glastonbury festival have been confirmed as 'Kings of Leon' and 'The Verve'. It's going to take a lot more than that to tempt me into a weekend of camping up to my neck in shit and students. You can start the bidding with 'Unlimited Use of an AK47 with Full Immunity from Prosecution' and 'Sharing a Luxury Tent with the Cruz Sisters' and work up from there...

7th February '08 - With the weekend getting closer, the talk at work has predictably turned to what we'd do if we won the jackpot on Friday's Euro-Lottery. I confess, I found myself forced to change my oft-stated opinion that I'd have Bono shot and emigrate to a non-extradition country. Now, I find that I simply don't care enough anymore about the self-promoting hypocrite to waste any of my winnings on the little prick. I'd still get the hell out of this shithole of a country, though. Japan, I think. It's still civilised over there...

6th February '08 - Lesson For The Day: Don't take any crap from your mobile 'phone service-provider. After the fun and games of returning the crappy 'Windows' phone the other day, I finally found a new Nokia that I fancied and phoned up Orange to order it. They said I could have it, but it would cost me an extra £80. I pointed out that, according to their website, if I was a new customer rather than a 'valued' one, I could have that particular model for free. They confirmed this. I then told them that 'O2' would let me have the phone, keep my number and get extra minutes if I signed up with them instead. I told them this sounded a much better proposition than the one they were offering. I told them 'Good-bye'. They put me through to a 'supervisor'. She said I could have the phone I wanted free, plus the extra minutes, plus a discount on my monthly rate. Funny how threatening to take your money elsewhere can suddenly focus the corporate mind...

5th February '08 - This Friday's Euro-Lottery is an astonishing £95 million. What's the betting a Frenchman wins it? Again.

4th February '08 - Aw, crap. Here we go again. My third week of Lates/Nights in a four week block. Arses, I'm tired. I've also lost all perspective of date and time. Judging by my shift pattern, I reckon by the middle of next week I should have some sort of grip on normality once more. Either that, or I'll be a basket-case like Britney. Apparently, she's been sectioned on grounds of mental instability. Having heard some of her 'music', they should've done that years ago. 'Hit me, baby, one more time?' Ok, love. If you insist...

2nd February '08 - Watford 3 Wolves 0. As I suspected, Aidy ain't stupid. Mick McCarthy however, is. It's worth pointing out that Watford hadn't won for three games before this, so Watford fans will be thanking God for McCarthy's unshakeable faith in his predictably wank Irish contingent. We've got Stoke midweek, who've just annihilated Dave Jones's Cardiff. No pressure, then...

1st February '08 - I found out today that the entire annual human contribution to global warming is about 1/30th of what natural phenomena like volcanoes and cow farts make. Wow. Tax us some more, Gordon. You c*nt.

31st January '08 - Disaster! My last frozen Philps pasty from our 2007 Penzance pilgrimage ruined! Herself decided to defrost it all day before sticking it in on a low heat for two hours as I'd normally do when cooking a frozen one. Result? Armour-plated pastry. Cock. Now I've got a five month pasty-free existence to endure. Life is cruel.

29th January '08 - Wolves 2 Sheffield Wednesday 1 - Two wins on the trot now and up to the dizzying heights of...er, ninth. As is par for the course at most Molineux games this season, the referee might as well have been in an opposition shirt for all the favours he gave them. Still, our first home win since the start of December is not to be sniffed at. Let's hope the corner has been well and truly turned.

28th January '08 - Some dogs have short tails. Some dogs have long tails. And some dogs have those mad tails that sort of shoot up at forty-five degrees and then flatten themselves over their back. They're my favourite. I'd have one of those if I was a dog...

27th January '08 - Herself is sitting slack-jawed in front of 'Strictly Ice Dance Idol Factor' as I type this. Ho-hum. I did try to see the attraction, but after five minutes I lost the will to live. There was one moment that showed a glimmer of promise, though. It was when one of the gay gentlemen flipped his girl upside down so her head was between his knees and her legs were over his shoulders. If only he'd have stopped dancing and followed that move through as a WWF wrestler wouldv'e done. Orange-faced bimbo gets treated to a full-on piledriver straight into the ice face-first. Now that would've been real entertainment!

26th January '08 - Watford 1 Wolves 4. Ok, so it was a cup match and Aidy was resting five of his usual players, but come on! Slotting four past a team in an automatic promotion slot isn't bad for an afternoon's work. Let's hope this gives the lads the confidence to repeat the performance on Saturday when three league points are at stake!

24th January '08 - For some reason that utterly escapes me now I come to look back with the benefit of hindsight, I decided to treat myself to a Cadbury's Creme Egg for the first time in literally years today. Bleurgh! Sweet, aren't they?

23rd January '08 - Heath Ledger dead. Amy Winehouse alive. Could somebody please explain this to me, 'cos I don't get it...

22nd January '08 - If there's one thing I despise, it's pretension. Honestly, c'est tres embarrassant, especially in the kitchen. Ainsley? Worral-Thompson? I'm talking to you. Where has all this 'jus' come from all of a sudden, eh? Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Let's get over ourselves, shall we? It's 'gravy', for fuck's sake. Say it loud, say it proud!

21st January '08 - Nights again, and apart from answering the phone three or four times from 2300 to 0700, I spent the whole time playing 'Tekken 5' on the PlayStaton 2 with the other poor fool rostered as Duty Officer. This is the new system brought in by the Senior Management to improve efficiency, is it? Hey, I'm not complaining. We've got 'Soul Caliber III' lined up for this evening...

20th January '08 - What are Newcastle playing at? Kevin Keegan? Again? Don't they know he'll be out the door the moment he clocks up three or four straight defeats on the trot. If this isn't the triumph of hope over experience, I don't know what is!

19th January '08 - Scunthorpe 0 Wolves 2. Mick McCarthy is now insisting we've turned a corner. Well, that depends, Mick. If you've finally realised that the lack-lustre Irish kids you've been championing all season simply aren't good enough, then yes, we have turned a corner. If you're going to go back to Kightly, Keogh and co., none of whom can hit a cow's arse with a banjo, then it's going to be business as usual with the two Watford games coming up, isn't it?

18th January '08 - Just to let you know, it doesn't matter how much you yell into your PC's microphone or how hard you repeatedly stab the 'on' button with your finger if you've accidentally plugged the microphone jack into the webcam hole. This might also explain why none of my 'Skype' calls have been connected, either. D'oh!

16th January '08 - A couple of days off between three weeks of Lates/Nights and my brain is all over the shop. I've been getting in at midnight and then watching two hours of 'Battlestar Galactica' on DVD, which is by far the best television I've encountered in years, but not really ideal to go to bed on. I'm going to sleep trying to unravel plot strands and then I'm waking up and going to work and wondering if any of my colleagues are Cylon replicas. Or maybe I'm the Cylon replica. Frak me!

14th January '08 - Back to the Samsung thing until the 'paperwork' clears and I can pick another phone. Ho-hum. At least I won't have to give Bill Gates any more wedge.

13th January '08 - Well that was a load of bollocks. I went to the 'Orange' shop and had a look at their upgrades this morning. I had a good fiddle with all the dummy plastic cases and eventually decided on one of their own models with a built in keyboard. Way wrong move. Got the fucker home only to find out it's infected with Microsoft and requires 'Outlook 2007' to run - a snip at only £70. Balls to that! And to add insult to injury, the 'intuitive' menu requires six button pushes to activate the camera. Wow, spontanious candid photography after only nine seconds of fiddling! The fucker goes back tomorrow...

12th January '08 - Wolves 0 Crystal Palace 3. From 'Super Mick McCarthy' to 'You Don't Know What You're Doing!' in three short weeks. Eight games without a win and a play-off spot is starting to look very, very remote. For God's sake man, will you wake up and realise that your Irish lads may be Irish, but they're not very good. The transfer window is open. Dip your hand in your pocket, now! We need strikers, not runners!

10th January '08 - One of those days when I change over from Late shift to Nights, so I thought it would be a good idea to use the time to strip the computer down and open the back for a bit of a dust-blasting and general spring-cleaning. 'It'll only take half an hour', I thought to myself. It did - to disconnect everything. It then took another hour to clean and wipe everything and another hour to put it all back together. Then a further half hour to wonder why I had no sound, pull all the speaker connections out and re-wire them again in the correct holes. I'm knackered now, and I've got to go to work in an hour. 'Taters.

9th January '08 - A red letter day, for it marked the eighteen-month anniversary of me signing the contract for this fucking Samsung mobile. This means I'm now able to ring those nice people at Orange and pick a new one. It's back to Nokia once again, I think. Or maybe their own sexy one with the flip-out keyboard. Anything other than another touch-sensitive one that kills your call the moment it comes in contact with your face. As soon as the new one arrives, this little bastard gets the Joan of Arc treatment...

8th January '08 - Somewhere in the Bible it mentions a camel passing through the eye of a needle. I don't know about camels, but I could cheerfully have passed the entire contents of my lower abdomen through said needle this afternoon. God knows what I've eaten, but not only did it disagree with me, it waited until I went for a wazz, hid behind the door with a couple of it's mates and proceeded to give me a good shoeing. Maybe it's this 'Norovirus' thing that's going around. I hope so, as I have absolutely no intention of going sick while the Senior Management are making themselves so readily available by hovering around the new office. Share and share alike, that's my motto, and to be quite frank, it will make an amusing change for them to spout copius amounts of excrement from the correct end for once in their lives.

7th January '08 - First day back at work, and the - what is laughingly referred to as our 'Senior Management Team' - have come up with a new way of working while I was away. Basically, instead of me, the late shift manager, sitting in the duty office and tasking my five late shift staff, they have decided to turn the little room into a 'Central Operations Office' (coo!) and task everybody in the whole organisation from there. This means I walked in to find three other managers from three other units sitting in a room that had totally altered since the last time I was in it. There were two members of the SMT there, too, followed by a visit later on from their boss; one of the 'Directorate' team (all hail). Instead of the one form for booking in work, there are now three. Instead of one job-number generator, there are two. Plus some stickers. Finally, there is a huge ringbinder outlining all the new protocols, none of which I'd seen before. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, nor who the fuck anyone was. It was like my first day at work all over again and it wasn't pleasant. The only amusing bit was finding out that somebody up high hadn't quite done their homework and hadn't figured out that sixty-odd people would now be ringing in on the same amount of phone-lines as five had done previously. Oh, the fun I had! Oh, the paracetomol I took! And I get to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day, all the way until the middle of February. Shoot me now.

6th January '08 - ...only to wake up at 0500. Why do I do this? My brain is programmed to wake me up fifteen minutes before my alarm regardless of whatever shift I'm on at the time. This week for example, I'm on lates, which is a 1400 start. My brain, however, doesn't give a shit -"Come on! Up you get! You've got to be in for seven!" And on a Sunday, too. Arse.

5th January '08 - Well, that was what is known as a 'slight technical hitch'. Basically, I returned to Shitsville as promised on the 30th only to find that my wireless interweb connection box thingy had given up the ghost. This prompted an interesting twenty minute premium rate conversation to a nice lady in India to request a new one. At the time, I wasn't sure she understood one in three of my words, but she obviously did 'cos a new thingy arrived today and here I am.
   Right, in a nutshell, here's what happened between the last time I posted and now:
   Went back to Wolves, saw The Wildhearts (was too pissed to really enjoy it though, and spent the gig leaning against the wall instead of leaping around like a loon.) Woke up next morning and realised I wasn't pissed, I was ill (as is the norm every time I take a few days leave.) Then spent three days in bed shivering, dribbling snot and watching 'Battlestar Galactica ' (new version) on DVD. (Rather good, actually). Got better, went to Molineux to see Wolves eke out another tedious draw against Leicester. And there were no balti pies again. Yawn. Went to Birmingham and had a few ales in Costers and Scruffy's. A bit more last minute shopping, then home to do nothing but eat and chill out until the trip back on the 30th. Saw the year in with Jools fucking Holland again and wondered how Kylie could be singing 'live' with him when she was in Australia at the time. Watched the fireworks (or was it the start of the Islamic insurrection) outside my window until 01:00, then off to bed...

16th December '07 - Well, that's it from me until the 30th. Unlike last year, I'm not working Christmas, so it's off to Wolverhampton for ale and...well, ale, really. If anyone's got tickets for The Wildhearts tomorrow, Big Wayne and I will be in The Giffard Arms from about half-six, so come and have a brew. Meanwhile, have a stonking time and I'll be back on the 30th. Ciao, peasants!

15th December '07 - QPR 0 Wolves 0. Utter bollocks against the team at the bottom of the table. Simply not good enough, and booed off for the third time in three matches. We're now eighth and the scum are top, which Big Wayne is going to love reminding me about at the Wildhearts gig on Monday. Mick, get rid of Keogh in January when the window opens. Yes, he can run, but that's not much good when you're scared of the ball like his is. Kightly is gun-shy in front of gaol and Eastwood simply hasn't justified the hype. Time for a rethink, Mick. I bet you're regretting knocking the South Korea job on the head now, aren't you?

14th December '07 - I love the noise of certain fireworks. You know that hearty 'Pssffttt!' sound that rockets make as they launch their way skywards. Yep, that's a fine old sound, to be sure. Not, however, when it comes from the back of my laptop. Bollocks.

13th December '07 - It's just occurred to me that, as one of the so-called 'sick-note' culture of Civil Service employees, I haven't had a day off sick all year. I must be ill...

12th December '07 - My brother-in-law, the estimable Homer J. Simpson has found this. He descibes it as being 'fucking gorgeous' which is high praise indeed from an alemeister such as he. I've taken the liberty of ordering a couple of minicasks for the festive season instead of the usual Enville Old Porter, so it had better be good or I'm going to make him drink the whole lot. Actually, that's probably what he's hoping for...

11th December '07 - Had an out-of-hours guided tour round the Tower of London this evening courtesy of a colleague who's a mate of one of the Yeoman Warders (that's 'Beefeaters' to you peasants.) Really spooky wandering round the White Tower in the dark, and kind of trippy thinking of the thousand years of history looming above