2nd February '12 - I've always hated February. There is so much sorrow and loss associated with this month for me. The cold and greyness I can normally deal with; indeed, I quite like wrapping up warm on a winter's day most of the time, but the first week of February will always be an exception.
  We are all of us shaped by our memories and experiences. Mine for the first few days of this month have never been good

1st February '12 - One or two people have asked me recently what I'd do if I got made redundant by the senior management this year.
  They seem genuinely surprised when I answer 'six months for assault'...

31st January '12 - Wolves 0 Liverpool 3. Mick McCarthy was in the paper today quashing rumours that Kevin Doyle would be going to Everton before the transfer window closed. "I'd be mad to sell him", said Mick. Statements like that and the thinking behind it are the reason we are now in the relegation zone. Again.  
  As for the game, 'woeful' is about the kindest word I can come up with. Apart from a late stab at goal by Sylvan Ebanks-Pie-Eater, this was a listless and tired performance all round. I'm not entirely sure how much longer the board think people are going to continue to shell out thirty-odd quid to see this shower, but unless things start turning round very quickly - like nine points from the next four games - then it's Championship football again next season...

29th January '12 - I quite enjoyed the BBC's adaptation of 'Birdsong'. Ok, so they lopped the 1979 storyline out and the Somme sequence was severely restrained, but overall I think it still just about worked.  
  However, if you did enjoy it and haven't read the book, please do so. You will get so much more out of it and the ending - the true 1979 ending - will have you blubbing like a girl. I was!

28th January '12 - There's a weekend offer on at Domino's right now whereby if you spend fifty quid or more on home delivery, you get fifty percent off.  
  I thought it would be virtually impossible for a dieting bloke, a skinny woman and an eight-year-old girl to get through fifty quid's worth of pizza, garlic bread and assorted side dishes.
  Wrong.

27th January '12 - My, doesn't time fly when you're hurting yourself on a regular basis? I've no idea how this all started, but I'm into the fourth month of this new lifestyle regime, where I've been eating sensibly, training regularly and taking free-chain amino acid tablets with my main meal.  
  So far, so good. Since September, I've shifted four inches off the waistline, my cholesterol level now at 3.9, my BMI is fine and the old blood pressure is completely back to normal. Good, eh?  
  Time to knock it up a gear, then, I think. So from now on, instead of an all-round workout three times a week, I shall be blasting individual body parts on a day on, day off basis and gulping down Creatine shakes like I did in the Nineties.
  Let's see if we can't get this old wreck of a carcass back to where it once was ready for the Summer.
  One last time before the sun sets, eh?

26th January '12 - Whoopee! Training School again. Bizarrely, today was spent in a very productive training meeting where a lot of things were discussed, some definite timelines were agreed, outcomes projected and which ultimately resulted in all of us coming away having felt like we'd achieved something worthwhile that could actually be delivered.  
  I wondered how this could possibly be the case until I realised that everyone round the table was someone who actually did the job they were making decisions about, as opposed to the usual raft of generic senior 'manager' bods that tend to offer their input at these things.  
  More of this, please. It works!

24th January '12 - The first trailer for Season 2 of 'Game Of Thrones' has been posted here. Stannis! Melisandre! Ygritte!  
  Oh man, I can't wait!

23rd January '12 - I made a conscious decision to do something productive with this particular rest day. Something other than sitting behind the computer playing 'Skyrim' all day.   
  Imagine my surprise when I looked at the clock, saw it was late afternoon and realised that I had, in fact, been sitting behind the computer playing 'Skyrim' all day.  
  This year is twenty-three days old and according to Steam, I've spent just under eight of them in Tamriel. Worrying

22nd January '12 - Looks like things are bad all over; not just for photographers, but for photography in general. The legendary Eastman Kodak company has just filed for bankruptcy protection in the US.  
  Not the first of the big companies to start the long slide into oblivion this year, I'll warrant, but what a sad way for a giant like this to bow out...

21st January '12 - Wolves 2 Aston Villa 3. Heroes to zeroes in twenty minutes. Karl Henry stupidly sent off when we were 2-1 up with twenty minutes to go and that was it. Dead and buried.  
  We are now second from bottom and Liverpool are next. Terrific. Another relegation dogfight all the way in. Like we really needed that after last season

20th January '12 - One of my team retired today. He tried to slope off with no fuss, but I wasn't having that. I arranged for a lovely buffet to be put on at lunchtime and got a few bottles of fizzy stuff in. He knew absolutely nothing about it until we sprung the surprise and a few of his old mates from other units rolled in to see him off.  
  Cost me the last of this month's pay slip, but it was worth every penny to see the look on his face! I wonder if there'll be anyone left to do this for me when it's my turn?

18th January '12 - I don't believe this. George Lucas will very soon be re-releasing Star Wars again, this time in 3D. Please, George. Please tell us why you're doing this?  Who the hell is left on this planet that hasn't seen this movie at least a dozen times?  
  It was awesome in 1977. It was still good when you cleaned it up in the mid-Nineties, but since then it's been shown to death on telly and then the prequels came along and soured everyone's memory just a little further.  
  No more, fella. Just give it up gracefully, will you?

17th January '12 - One of the tell-tale signs of becoming a sad old man is thinking you can do everything you did when you were twenty and get away with it. When I was twenty, I was repping 40kg on the preacher bar. Tonight, I was curling full preacher sets with 42kg, which I never managed to do in the Nineties.  
  I'll no doubt be shaking like Mohammed Ali tomorrow morning, but hey! A small victory in my midlife crisis!  
  (I wonder if anyone will get that?)

16th January '12 - An email today confirming the date and time of my Long Service Award. Yeah, you read that correctly. I've clocked up over twenty-one years of employment with the same organisation. Surreal.  
  Five others from my intake are still aroubd, too. I remember going for a drink in Covent Garden with two of them mere weeks after we started in July 1990. I can still clearly hear one mate telling me he would only be giving it five years max before moving on.  
  Time flies, Pee-terrr

14th January '12 - Tottenham 1 Wolves 1. I'll take a point here, thank-you very much. Spurs are on a roll right now. They have a great team and with Chelsea slipping up and Arsenal in the doldrums, Tottenham could easily finish in a Champions League spot and even nick the title if the gods are smiling.  
  Wolves on the other hand...well, let's just say I'll settle for survival!

13th January '12 - Friday the Thirteenth. My mate Jesus has called the banners for a rare night out up the Intrepid Fox. Meanwhile, right now I'm about as surly and anti-people as I've ever been for a number of reasons so getting lashed up and listening to aggressive music probably isn't a good idea.
  Not that it's going to stop me.
  I hope I don't end up doing something silly like telling people what I'm really thinking, because that would be bad. Amusing, yes, but definitely bad...
  UPDATE: Just got back. Seems I'm not the only one with the blues right now. One of my mates is thinking of jacking it all in and going off round the world, another is counting the months until he heads off for a new life in Spain and another...well, she's worrying about whether to dye her hair pink or not.
  These big life decisions are a pisser, ain't they?

12th January '12 - I'm not sure what it means when you wake up with blood in your palms from where your nails have dug in after you've been sleeping with clenched fists all night.
  Time to cut your nails, perhaps?

11th January '12 - I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. It's like I've been following a sat-nav that has suddenly gone blank. I used to have a fairly good idea of where I was going both at work and with my life in general, but right now I haven't got a Scooby.
  Two options then. Either go with the flow or start creating merry hell and see where that gets me.
  Decisions, decisions...

9th January '12 - Another week teaching up at our training school. We all know the drill by now, don't we children? Twenty-five stops up the Northern Line there, twenty-five stops back. Cricked neck, arse-ache and a fucked up sleeping pattern at the end of it.
  Joy.

8th January '12 - The first "The Winds of Winter" sample chapter is up! Good news, as it means that George R.R. Martin is officially hard at work on Book 6 of the 'Game of Thrones' saga!
  Obviously, if you're only familiar with the HBO TV series, then stay well away from this link, but if, like me, you're gasping to find out what happens next after 'A Dance With Dragons', then fill your boots!

7th January '12 - Time for some new jeans, The last pair of fat-boy 34" waist ones went to the charity shop in November, the 32" waist ones hang off my arse like some teenage R&B twat and I currently have only one pair of 30" Levis 501s, which still have the tags on, are bluer than a Ron Jeremy film and therefore unwearable.
  So I've just bought a couple of pairs of rather fetching stone-washed Diesels, because no-one seems to want them in my (new) size and the shop couldn't get shot of them.
  Ooh, get me! The heighth of fashion!

6th January '12 - Now hang on, this isn't fair. What the fuck happened to Christmas?
  For some reason, our decorations didn't get put up until the middle of December, then the minute I finished work on Christmas Day, we went back to the Midlands. We all come back for New Year and are instantly ill, then just as everyone starts to feel better, it's time to take the pretties down for another year.
  Bollocks. Right, I intend to make the most of it next time. I shall be putting this year's decorations up in October.
  Like all the fucking shops do...

5th January '12 - I have just clocked up my two hundredth hour on 'Skyrim'. Sad.

4th January '12 - Dear Hollywood... 
  Having just sat through 'Harry Potter and the Lazy Digital Colour Correction Part 2' could I respectfully ask that in future, if you must wash the screen out with one particular hue, you consider any colour other than bloody teal?  
  Because, frankly, you've wanked this dry now and the whole 'teal and orange' thing really needs putting to bed. It's like watching a sixteen year old photography student with his first Cokin graduated filter; it gets weary after a while.  
  Look, bottom line? It's not big and it's not clever so just stop it, alright?
  Thanks ever so.

3rd January '12 - Always remember - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then carefully decant it into a bottle and glass some fucker...

2nd January '12 - Back to work and the first rostered Bank Holiday of the year. As you know, I no longer work shifts and so am broker than a broke-dick dog for huge swathes of the time, but unlike last year, 2012 has me rostered to do four separate Bank Holiday duties!  
  I like this year better already!

New Year's Day '12 - Woke up at an almost unheard of seven a.m. and had a laugh watching the lurching dead outside the window making their way home from wherever they'd spent the night.  
  Funny how having a good time always leaves some people looking and walking like they've just shit a weasel, doesn't it?  

New Year's Eve '11 - Drove back to London to see the New Year in, but quite honestly, I don't know why I bothered. Everybody is still poorly and none of us in our family have ever given a good Goddamn about fucking Hogmanay, except my nephew who for some strange reason has gone up to Newcastle for the celebrations, which is obviously due to a hitherto unknown predilection for fat orange women in too-tight sports clothing, but I digress.  
  Said 'Happy New Year' to everyone at midnight, dashed out to light the obligatory firework and was tucked up in bed by 00:15. This is absolutely the last time I'm even bothering to stay awake for this pointless exercis
  Next year, I plan on sleeping through the whole stupid affair.

30th December '11 - Thankfully, the sick fairy has finished with me so I was able to steam on out to Scruffy's for one last session in what has undoubtedly been a truly awful year. Not that I was able to take my mind off it with a rocking night out, either. There was a new DJ on and he was, quite frankly, hopeless. Even the barmaid was helping him at one point.  
  Now don't get me wrong, I love Scruffy's, but why they insist on a DJ every Friday and Saturday night is beyond me. Surely installing an internet jukebox would be so much easier and infinitely more profitable?  
  And while I'm on the subject of pub entertainment, those ridiculous '50-Games-In-One' machines can be slung as well. Bring back the Addams Family pinball!

29th December '11 - Well I'm almost match-fit once more and the Mini-Fish is tearing around like a loon, but the Fishwife is still bed-ridden and looking like death, so the two of us went out shopping.
  Very enjoyable! A few more trips like this and maybe my daughter will grow up with the shopping instincts of her father rather than her mother. We managed to visit the bank, shop for everything we went out to get and still managed to fit a visit to the coffee shop all in under an hour. Daddy even bought a comic for a good little girl.  
  Had Mummy been with us, we'd have still been nosing round the fifth or sixth charity shop about the time we came home. Some bloke's going to thank me for this in twenty years

28th December '11 - As everyone's still ill, I decided to nip out and brave the thronging hordes to pick up a few groceries. The supermarket was dead for once, so I stripped the shelves of milk, Lucozade and paracetomol and came home.  
  Everyone else curled up on sofas and watched whatever brain-dead inanity was on the telly. I meanwhile, had a long bath and an early night with the Kindle.  
  I'm starting to hate this time of year now  

27th December '11 - The man-flu is slightly better in that the cramps have gone. Unfortunately, now everyone else in the house is shivering and barking like a Harp Seal. Drove everyone over to my sister's for a lovely meal, but no-one was drinking and everyone was too ill to stay late, so I drove us all back and we were all tucked up again by 11 p.m.  
  Oh, almost forgot - amazingly Arsenal 1 Wolves 1. Stole a point from the Emirates, which was unexpected but not unwelcome. I still reckon we'll be battling all the way in again though

Boxing Day '11 - I don't believe this. Actually, yes I do, since it seems to happen every single year. I'm ill again. Full-on man-flu, which meant that the Fishwife had to drive us back to Wolverhampton this morning since I was too busy shivering and suffering from muscle cramps to be able to work the pedals.  
  As soon as we reached the family pile, I went straight to bed while the girls went to the pantomime. Apparently, I missed seeing Linda Lusardi parading around in a black negligee. Don't care. She could've been pole-dancing at the end of my bed and I couldn't have raised the energy to get near her

Christmas Day '11 - Back at work once more and here I am all alone in the office. I'm up to date with yesterday's stuff, the van's full of gas and I'm ready to rock. However, unlike yesterday, there's nothing happening at the moment and I'm bored to bleedin' tears so it's a good job I brought the laptop in.
  Welcome, then, to Bank Holiday skeleton shifts, where they pay me a day's multiple rates to sit here and wait for the phone to ring.  
  In the Good Old Days, I'd be at home with the family on the other end of a pager, which meant they got a whole day of my undivided attention for a fiver (the old 'on-call' rate), but European 'working time' legislation put an end to that. Nowadays, they have to pay the fat end of two hundred quid to have me sit here and use their electricity for ten hours. Great for me, but not sure how much 'business sense' this makes in the current financial climate. 
  Meanwhile, the kettle's on again. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve '11 - Well, I got the short straw and so this weekend I get to go to work and deal with whatever urgent stuff comes in. Hopefully, I'll get a couple of hours grace to catch up with my paperwork, load the van and find a petrol station, but once I've done all that, I'll be raring to go.  
  Every time I've worked Christmas before, it's either been ridiculously busy or completely dead. Personally, I hope it all goes bent this year. It'd make a nice change for me to get the camera out on a live job once more, if only to get me away from the office radio. It may indeed be Christmas, but there's only so much Shakin' Stevens I can take in one year

23rd December '11 - It occurred to me earlier that I have no beer at all in the house for the festive season. It then occurred to me that I couldn't drink any anyway as I'm working both Christmas and New Year Bank Holiday as well as travelling in between.
  Looks like it'll have to be a dry one this year, then. Apart from a very quick libation after work, that is! Ho ho ho!

22nd December '11 - In Jane Austen's 'Pride & Prejudice', a man was considered rich and therefore a 'good catch' provided he had a disposable income of around two hundred pounds a year.  
  Just call me Mr. fucking Darcy then, ladies...  

21st December '11 - Wolves 2 Norwich 2. I didn't even realise Wolves were playing last night, but it doesn't look like I missed much. Same old story, behind in under twenty minutes, equalise, go behind again, equalise again, booed off.
  Doyle playing, Ward playing, yada, yada, yada.
  Bored now. Fuck off, Mick.

20th December '11 - To my mind, the first offence for which they should bring back the death penalty is putting empty After Eight wrappers back in the sodding box.  
  It's a crime which ought to rate higher than manslaughter in my humble opinion.

19th December '11 - Ok, I've now been at it for three months and the tale of the tape is that I am just about back at a sensible size again having lost about thirty pounds since September. If I'm honest, those 30" 501s are still a bit tight, but I have to keep yanking my 32"s up, so let's go with 31" and call it quits.  
  Not sure how much I've added to the chest, shoulders and biceps so far 'cos I didn't actually start off with a measurement, but my shirts are getting tighter just as my trousers are getting looser, so on the whole the silly amounts of weights/protein thing appears to be working.  
  I am also beardless for the first time in five years, partly because I fancied a change, but mostly because I've only got the one chin now. It ain't much of one admittedly, but it deserves an airing.   What's really sweet is, for the first time ever, I appear to be sprouting abs. I will keep an eye on these and report back later, but something's going right!
  Anyway, I'm still enjoying the workouts and the diet, so for the foreseeable future I shall carry on with more of the same. The cholesterol is under 5, the BMI is fine and on the whole I'm feeling good.  Now if only I could find a job where I don't have to get up at half four every bloody morning, life would be groovy!

18th December '11 - There are lots of big films coming our way next year. The final episode in Christopher Nolan's 'Batman' trilogy looks interesting, as does the huge Marvel 'Avengers' team-up movie.  
  Unfortunately, given my juvenile sense of humour, this is the only thing I'm really looking forward to in 2012. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!  

17th December '11 - Wolves 1 Stoke 2. A game of two halves. The first one where we were all over these jokers and one-nil up, and the second one where we came out after a half-time binge on crack cocaine and whisky and went to pieces.  
  A standing ovation saw the players off the pitch at half time. It was replaced by the usual chorus of boos on ninety minutes. Another game lost (four out of the last five) and another place dropped. We're now only one point and one spot off the relegation zone. Again.  
  But it was nice to see Kevin Doyle score again at long last, wasn't it? Maybe he can try it in the other team's net next game...

16th December '11 - Ow, me tits.

15th December '11 - Every so often when life becomes too tedious, predictable or stressful for words, I do something crazy. Usually, this involves alcohol, but this morning, whilst engaged in my annual Birmingham Christmas jaunt, I decided to dive into Oasis and get my nipples pierced.  
  The 'why' of it utterly eludes me for the moment, but I have to say of all the piercings I've had so far, getting the old lils done was by far the easiest. For one, nipples don't bleed. At all. I'm not kidding, we went strolling round the Bullring afterwards and by the time I got to the pub, I was expecting to be bleeding like a stuck pig, but nope. Not a drop. They also don't appear to bruise or, for that matter, even throb like you'd imagine they would if someone had just shoved a fucking 1.6mm steel ring through both of your norks.  
  The woman who pierced me said that she'd got hers done top to bottom as well as left to right. Interesting, but I think I'll call it a day with what I have. For now...

14th December '11 - Back to Wolverhampton for a few days. This evening presented me with my first look at the new bus station, which appears to have been built for a nation of basketball players. It's basically a glass and steel structure to keep the rain off while you wait for your Number 33, but why they made the roof three storeys high is beyond me.  
  Given the impressive scale of the architecture, you'd expect all the signs directing you to your stand to be big and clear as well, wouldn't you? Er, no. Tiny orange LEDs and bog-standard timetable print are the order of the day here, meaning the overall effect is one of a bunch of squinting Mr. Magoos shuffling found inside an airport terminal.  
  The under floor lighting in the access bridge is pretty, though...

13th December '11 - Seeing as I'm working Christmas week, I'm taking my holidays early. Lots to organise, lots to do. Which is unfortunate, as I've just spent the last three days playing 'Skyrim' on the PC.  
  Oh dear. It's 'Oblivion' all over again, isn't it? I may as well bid you all sayonara until March. Still, it's not like I'm wasting my time or anything...
  And speaking of 'Oblivion', the Game of the Year special edition with all the add-ons and downloadable content is currently on sale at Steam for the ridiculous price of £3.74. If you need to save money, lose weight by not eating or sleeping and feel you have too hectic a social life, why not give it a go?

10th December '11 - Man Utd 4 Wolves 1. Come on, a result here was never really on the cards, was it? United have just been dumped out of Europe and someone was going to pay. It got interesting when we pulled it back to 2-1, but in the second half, they simply knocked it up a gear and rolled us over.  
  Stoke at Molineux next. Should be - and has to be - three points in the bag!

9th December '11 - Final day at work before my week off. As I'm working Christmas and New Year Bank Holiday this time, I thought I'd have an early break this year. This will, of course, include the obligatory jaunt to Birmingham with my oldest mate Brian The Bastard for ale and sausages. It is the law.  
  Back to today though, and we had a lovely sit-down Christmas lunch in our conference room in the afternoon, followed by a couple of swift sherberts on the way home. That's it for my festivities for another year, though. There's only so much hedonism I can take at my age. Especially after Wednesday nights' shenanigans.

8th December '11 - Well, I'm almost three months in to the new regime and shocked at how well it's going. I'm now at the stage where I have to constantly keep yanking on my 32" trousers to keep them up. One more week until I officially take stock and report back.
  No longer a fat fucker! Love it!

7th December '11 - Christmas meal time once again. In a radical move away from the pie and ale fare of the last couple of years, we decided to go to a Brazilian-themed place this time round. The food was excellent, but the place was dead. No dancing girls in feathers and hardly any other punters.
  Whether this was the credit crunch in effect or the fact that every place seemed to want payment up front this year, I don't know, but once we'd eaten, the lack of atmos forced up out to nice pub in Holborn where we chatted and drank until it was time to go home.  
  And that's where it all went wrong for me as I time-slid back to 1997. On the Central Line for four stops, change to the Northern Line and home by half eleven. That was the plan. Of course, it all went south (unlike me) as I fell asleep and woke up in bastard Ruislip.  
  So a sixty quid taxi ride home, a couple of hours kip and up again at half four. Oh, and on top of that, I lost my compact camera. A good night tarnished

6th December '11 - Survey time again! I LOVE these things! The latest one I've found is all about how scientists have isolated another function-specific human gene. What does this one do? What significant medical breakthroughs could it imply? Well, the gene ABCC9 has been positively identified asindicating whether or not you're predisposed to fancy a lie-in.  
  Awesome. Like, never mind that cure for cancer or replaceable teeth - let's really get to the cutting edge of genome mapping!  
  Anyway, ten thousand Europeans took apparently part in blood trials for this and, after years of research, scientists are now happy to state that anyone possessing the ABCC9 gene will, on average, sleep half an hour longer than someone without.  
  So obviously Einstein, who slept for eleven hours a night had it, but Maggie Thatcher, who slept for four, didn't.  
  From a personal perspective, it's fairly simple for me to deduce that my daughter (who's never slept past six a.m. in her life) doesn't have an ABCC9 whereas I probably had one at college but it has been destroyed by twenty years of shift work.  
  The Fishwife, on the other hand, obviously has three sets of this gene...

5th December '11 - As I start another crazy, fun-packed week at work, here's a rough percentage breakdown of the emails I receive during a typical month just to illustrate the continued benefits and advantages of pinging any old crap out into cyberspace when working in a productive and professional environment:  

Emails from people I know that are for me and relevant to my job - 38%
People wanting me to do something that they should be doing themselves - 20%
Inter-departmental gossip, rumour and tittle-tattle - 16%
Emails from people I know that are not for me and not relevant to my job - 9%
Emails from people I don't know that are not for me and not relevant to my job - 7%
Things sent to everyone by a Senior Manager's P.A. because she can't be bothered to tie it down to an actual department - 6%
Retirement collections for people I've never heard of - 2%
Sponsorship begging for some inane stunt or other - 1%
Spam and ponies enlarger offers - 1%  

Coming soon: a detailed, in-depth analysis of the phone-calls I receive in a typical month

4th December '11 - Wolves 2 Sunderland 1. So there we were, one-nil down after another Doyle start when Mick McCarthy finally sees the light and swaps him for Ebanks-Blake on sixty-six minutes. Ten minutes later, we're winning two-one and that's how it ended.
  Every week I make this point: Doyle is crap. He's listed as a  'striker' yet he is currently averaging a goal every seven games. Take him off, the play opens up and lo and behold, three points in the bag.
  Come on Mick, you're not daft. Get shot of him in january and get a couple of hungry new kids in. They can even be Irish if you really must!

3rd December '11 - Machine Head, Wembley Arena. When my mate Jesus asked if I fancied Machine Head with DevilDriver supporting, I instantly said yes. Had he mentioned that it was a four-band tour (Darkest Hour and Bring Me The Horizon being the other two) and that it was at Wembley Arena, which is possibly the worst concert venue I've ever been to (and I've done Birmingham NEC more times than you can shake a warm plastic bottle of Becks at), I might've thought twice.
  Had he also metnioned that the sets would kick off at half-six, that DevilDriver would be on second (meaning we'd miss them by having a pre-match ale), that Bring Me The Horizon were an un-listenable bunch of Emo wank and that a 330ml bottle of cider would cost £4.40, I would definitely have decked it.
  But then Machine Head came on.
  I honestly can't think of a better, more polished bunch of musicians in Metal today. An absolutely flawless set and well worth the entrance fee on its own. Just as well, really!

2nd December '11 - A bloke next to me at the bus stop this morning was standing there eating takeaway microwave porridge from a plastic bowl. I don't know why I took offence at this, but all I could think of for a minute or two was taking it off him and pushing it in his face.  
  That doesn't make me a bad person though, right?

1st December '11 - It's a cliched saying, but I really don't know where this year has gone. It's fair to say it's been a bad one for me and mine. Losing dear Steve in February has left us all in a daze. There's times I've felt like I've not been 'here'; like I'm a ghost drifting through a play where all the characters are played by people I know.
  Work has gone from bad to worse, my health has suffered and home life has felt the strain too. The only thing to do is to see out the rest of 2011 and start over again in the New Year.
  I'll be clearing away the extraneous baggage. Lockdown mode for me from now on. I will have nothing and no-one around me that doesn't belong. Life's too short...

30th November '11 - For the first time in twenty-odd years, I find myself on strike.
  I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but I honestly don't feel I have a choice. As a Public Sector employee, the terms and conditions of my employment have been unilaterally torn up by this Government because 'there's no money'.
  From now on, I will have to work an extra couple of years and put in a significantly higher percentage because 'there's no money'.
  If I make it to retirement, I will then get far less paid out to me because 'there's no money'.
  There is, however, money to fund foreign wars, bail out private banks, keep any cunt who doesn't want to do a day's graft in fags and Stella, and continually throw billions at Europe so the Greeks can retire at fifty.
  Oh, and did I mention the Olympics? No money, but a month-long overblown school sports day that nobody asked for but all of us are funding? Yes, there's money for that.
  Amazingly, there are MPs on all sides going on about 'greedy' Public Sector workers, which I think is a pretty fabulous bit of misdirection. The same six hundred and fifty wankers who've run this country into the ground, filled it full of dossers, handed over control to Brussels and hocked our children and grandchildren's future to pay for it are now wagging their finger and blaming me for not lying down and taking it, as if I'm lucky to have any sort of job at all.
  Fuck this. Enough is enough.

28th November '11 - I forgot to tell you. I've given the iPhone to the Fishwife on account of it being shite. Microsoft has released a new OS for Windows Mobile called 'Mango' and it's like having a new phone. I'm not kidding; this HTC thing is like a different machine now!  
  So two hundred notes down the Swanee, but at least the missus can hold her head up high in the coffee shop with all the other school-run mums now!

29th November '11 - Two rest days on my shift pattern, a total of forty-eight hours off, and I appear to have spent thirty-one of them playing 'Skyrim'. Oh dear...

27th November '11 - I normally like working weekends, but this one was a cow as I've been up to my eyes in staff reports. Not my own staff, you understand. No, apparently anyone who trains people in our organisation these days now has to complete a full six-page 'learning' document on each trainee detailing exactly what they did, how well they did it and what they need to concentrate on for their 'continued development'.
  I don't think the people running our training unit quite realise that me being a trainer is a voluntary decision. Right now, the phrase 'fuck this for a game of soldiers' is getting dangerously close to being uttered...

26th November '11 - Chelsea 3 Wolves 0. No, fair's fair. I've been moaning like a drain for weeks that McCarthy ought to leave Doyle out and give Fletcher and Milijas a run, and that's exactly what he did today.
  Turns out we're just as shit with this line-up, too. Balls. 

25th November '11 - Sincere apologies for the lack of posts, but I have had a very tiring week. As mentioned earlier, I was up at our training school delivering a course for six bright-eyed and bushy-tailed students.  
  Normally this presents a weary enough day in itself, as the depot is twenty-four stops on the Northern Line each way, but when you add in the fact that the powers-that-be still hadn't written the 'standard operating procedures' for the course on the morning I was bloody delivering it, you can appreciate the stress I was under.  
  Added to this, the senior manager overseeing the whole thing didn't drop in to see how things were progressing until this afternoon - two hours after all the students had taken their final exams and gone home - and you begin to see why this week has pretty much been sleep, work and travel for me.  
  It'll be almost a relief to get back to doing my own job tomorrow. At least the bit of our organisation that I'm in charge of makes some sort of sense!

20th November '11 - What's the best thing you can do when you're slightly hung over from an awesome gig the night before? Yes, that's right, a children's birthday party for a load of hyperactive eight-year-olds! 
  I am definitely getting too old for this shit...

19th November '11 - Carter USM, Brixton Academy. Just like a Motorhead Christmas gig or Ginger's birthday bash, it looks like this one may finally become an annual fixture after all.
  Great!
  I was gutted when they weren't around last year! After 2009's performance of '101 Damnations' and '30 Something', Jim Bob and Fruitbat decided to go for a 'greatest hits' package this time, and boy, did they rock!  
  Support from Sultans of Ping FC had the crowd leaping from the off and the bite of the recession made sure that, for once, the organisers hadn't oversold the venue.  
  A fantastic night!

18th November '11 - Wolverhampton. I've done more walking today than I have for many a year. I walked to the dentist to give him my payslip and then I walked to Wolverhampton town centre to do a spot of early Christmas shopping.  
  After walking all round that Ghost Town from Hell for two hours, I decided to walk all the way back to the ancestral pile as well.  
  I must've done ten miles today. Not bad for an office-bound desk jockey!

17th November '11 - For once, I'm travelling back to Wolverhampton on a Rest Day instead of the usual Friday evening trek. This is much nicer. There are only eight people in the whole carriage. There's still the obligatory bell-end using his mobile in this designated 'Quiet Zone' though.   
  It's a shame these new trains don't have the old sliding windows like the old BR rolling stock used to. A white iPhone would look quite picturesque sailing out into the Aylesbury countryside with the sunlight glinting off it.   
  Closely followed by its owner...

15th November '11 - With tiresome predictability, my own gob conspires, once again, to rape my wallet. One of my crowns fell out this evening, meaning that another trip to see my dentist, Robin Bastard, is on the cards.  
That should cheer him up. He's only had four holidays in the South of France so far this year. Well, there is a recession on

14th November '11 - For the rest of this month, I will be involved in training. This week, I get to show my own team how to play with ultraviolet lighting and get their heads around multiple in-camera exposures.  
  Next week, though, the fun really begins. I'll be training staff from another discipline in some of the trickier aspects of my own. They'll be using a camera they've never seen before and doing stuff they've never done before with it.  
  Oh, and the course is 'pass or fail', which they won't be aware of until they turn up.  
  This should be a giggle.

13th November '11 - Aw, no! Is that the weekend over already? Well, it's now half ten on Sunday night and the last time I looked it was Friday evening. It's fair to say that 'Skyrim' is everything that 'Oblivion' was and more. Wa-a-y more.  
  Given that 'Oblivion', with all the mods I added to it, ended up eating almost a year of my gaming life, I think it's a fair bet to assume that this particular adventure in Tamriel will be heading the same way.   
  If only real life were like this. So many of my problems could be sorted out by firing three foot of goose-fletched willow through some bastard's eye...

11th November '11 - Tits. This was supposed to be my belated birthday piss-up, only it's all gone wrong. One of the crew is ill, two more have got tickets for some boring female-fronted Disney-metal Emo band, another is on holiday and two more forgot all about it because I only told them a month ago.  
  Friends? Who needs 'em. I'm going to start playing 'Skyrim' instead.

9th November '11 - A BBC survey has found that the average age of a Radio One listener is thirty-two. I don't know whether to be amused or dismayed by this.  
  On the one hand, it's funny that people who really should be old enough to know better are still happy to be spoon-fed whatever crap is flavour of the week with Louis Walsh these days, yet on the other what does it say about the collective taste and intelligence of the generation behind mine?
  And these people are breeding! Baaa!

8th November '11 - Based on twenty-odd years of experience in a professional environment, here's my quick breakdown of the pecking order in any technically-orientated workplace:
  
1) Those in charge.
2) Friends of those in charge.
3) Those who talk a good job.
4) Those who know what they're doing and get on with it.  

Guess whereabouts on this food chain you'll find me? Oh well, duty calls...

7th November '11 - I see the usual blame game is on in the press trying to find someone or something to finger for Friday's horrendous crash on the M5 near Taunton in which thirty-four vehicles were trashed and seven people left dead.  
  The latest theory is that a firework event nearby caused smoke to drift into the fast lane which caused the crash. Well, yes, that's one possibility. Another might be that people were simply driving too fast and too close in what were already wet and foggy conditions.   
  That one probably won't fly though. There's no compensation in it.  

6th November '11 - Wolves 3 Wigan 1. A timely birthday present, Mr. McCarthy, thank-you very much! I'm not sure if we can add to this with a trip to Everton next week, but it was nice to see and an end to eight games without a win!  
  Up to thirteenth place too. We'll be getting a nosebleed up here!  

5th November '11 - Remember, remember the fifth of November. Over four hundred years since Guy Fawkes entered Parliament and he still remains the only man ever to do so with honourable intentions

4th November '11 - Flogging Molly, HMV Forum. I don't care what they're calling the place this week, but I'm a grumpy old fart and this is still the 'Town & Country Club' in my book and always will be!  
   Anyway, having said that, it was great to meet up with some good friends and have an ale or two in Kentish Town. Not been up this way for ages. The gig was awesome (as usual) with just the right size of crowd. I'm so used to Brixton overselling the venue that it's a pleasant change to see a 'packed, but not too packed' venue!   
   Had one too many and came home nursing the world's worst bag of fish and chips. Still tasting the bastards now. Bleh!

3rd November '11 - I feel the urge to rebel again. What else can I have pierced?

2nd November '11 - A quick review of how my 'regime' is going. (Remember those dumbells? Well, I bought some more. And a bar to go with them.) Anyway, I've been tossing my orbs about on and off for two months now and tonight I tried on a pair of 30" Levi 501s that my sister bought me for my birthday somewhere around 1994/5.
  I never even took the label off them back then, as I was already beginning to work my way up the waistlines. I got the bastards on tonight and just about did them up, though sitting down was a no-no.
   Still, I could well be in them by Christmas. Yay me!  
   As for the weights, I'm nowhere near the size and shape I was in the early Nineties, but it's going well so far. I've just added another couple of discs to the preacher bar and am now curling 32kg. This hurts and leaves me shaking like a Parkinson's sufferer. Good! 
   I'm enjoying this! I will see this year out on my current routine and in 2012, I will knock it up a gear. I may even go back on the protein shakes, too. Starting to feel alive again, people!

1st November '11 - Ooh, goody! We're in November once more. Being a Scorpio boy, I like November a lot. Astrologically (try saying that after a few ales) it's my time, where all the power of the cosmos is channelled toward making my life a happy and harmonious place for the next month.   
   Well, that's the theory anyway. I can't see how this year will be any different from the last forty-two, but fingers crossed

Hallowe'en '11 - Maybe it's me being a miserable old fucker, but I really don't get anything from Hallowe'en. You'd think I would, wouldn't you? Any excuse for women dressing as Elvira and all that, but whether it's the way this pathetic nation of ours assimilated the Yanks' 'trick or treat' in less than a decade or the rampant commercialism that starts just after the summer school holidays finish, I don't know.
  The whole thing just leaves me cold...

30th October '11 - Devil's Night. I'm looking forward to watching my favourite film again tonight. For some reason, I missed giving it its annual airing last year. I think I might've been out.  
  Anyway, 'The Crow' blew me away when I first saw it at Chelsea Odeon in 1994 and it has remained untouchable to me since. A dark and brutal tale of death, loss and vengeance. In other words, the perfect Scorpio love story!  
  If you haven't seen it, do. If you have seen it and it didn't get to you, you have my pity.

29th October '11 - Man City 3 Wolves 1. We equalised when they went down to ten men, but then they simply knocked it up a gear and powered through us. Still, a decent enough performance from Wolves despite McCarthy starting with Doyle and Ward yet again.  
  Unfortunately, this is seven losses on the trot now and we're hovering over the relegation door once again. Mick really needs November to start bringing in a few points or both he and us will be gone.

28th October '11 - Next up on the Real Life Channel, another episode in the long-running sitcom 'They Saw You Coming, Fish', where our hapless yet loveable hero finds out that agreeing to help deliver some training next month has miraculously been transformed into helping shape and write the course, deliver it, facilitate it and help with the marking for all five five-day courses running from November to fucking March next year.
  (With subtitles)

27th October '11 - Lots going on in my head today and nothing I want to talk about. Doctors and stuff. Insert your own witty comment here:

26th October '11 - Wolves 2 Man City 5. This was their second-string side. To be fair, it was mostly ours, too, but since I don't rate several of the jokers that Mick puts in the first choice team each week, its still worrying to think that we'll be up against their big guns on Saturday...

25th October '11 - Back to work. It's always a pisser only having two days off. You still come back to a huge swathe of emails but you haven't quite had enough relaxation time to prepare for them.  
  And the dawning realisation that it's your weekend on coming up as well only adds to the misery. Arse.

24th October '11 - Rainy day movie time once more; and this afternoon's cinematic extravaganza was none other than 'Captain America: First Avenger', which turned out to be not quite as good as I was expecting and about twenty minutes too long.  
  I kept being reminded of one of Director Joe Johnson's previous movies, 'Rocketeer', which also had a wartime setting but was more fun and had more heart despite being twenty years old. Still, 'Cap' wasn't too bad, all things considered.  
  However, 'Rocketeer' also boasts a pre breast-reduction Jennifer Connolly too, which automatically makes it cinematic gold in my book and trumps any recent offering from the Marvel stables.

22nd October '11 - Well, as its half term, I thought a long weekend back in the Midlands was called for. For one crazy moment, I even thought about popping along to see Wolves thrash Swansea, but since we were two-nil down at half time and booed off, I think saving the thirty quid was the wiser move. We did salvage a point, but come on. Swansea? We've got Man City twice next week (cup and league), which could end up being embarrassing.  
  Still, not my problem. I think a trip to Scruffy's is called for. It's been far too long!  

21st October '11 - Trafalgar Day. You can tell by the euphoric outpouring of national pride and general air of celebration, can't you? Apathetic wankers...

20th October '11 - Today's Rest Day was spent getting to grips with my new iPhone. Two things immediately sullied my experience with the thing. Firstly, the screen is woeful compared to the Windows Phone and secondly, having a bunch of Apps on there that were immune to being deleted.
  I mean 'Stocks', for fuck's sake. Who the fucking fuck needs an app to check on their non-existent shares at a moment's notice? I call bollocks on this one.
  Gonna take me a while to get used to this thing. Jury's out for the moment...

19th October '11 - Another armful of blood taken down at St.George's. I have to go for routine blood tests every six weeks, which involves me fasting for a minimum of twelve hours. This effectively means I eat at five the previous evening and then have to starve until gone nine-thirty when they finally remove the fifth vial-full of claret.
  So with that in mind, I'd just like to thank the entrepreneurial soul who opened a Costa Coffee franchise right in the fucking waiting room and forced a room full of hungry and thirsty people to sit there smelling hot coffee and warm pastries for over an hour without being able to do anything about it.
  Bastard.

17th October '11 - I'm getting a bit concerned about the new Batman game. It's out next week and there's not even a sniff of it on Steam yet. Usually, big games are available for pre-order a month or more before release, but in the case of 'Arkham City', there's nothing.
  Looks like the PC crowd getting the shit end of the stick compared to the console-jockeys yet again. Ho hum.

16th October '11 - Scum 2 Wolves 0. Ward in the back four, Doyle all alone up front. Again. Five losses on the trot now and one point off the relegation zone. Same old, same old. We're in for a long and gritty battle once again and all because McCarthy refuses to drop his chums.
  I'm getting really fucking tired of this now.

15th October '11 - I've just finished Dave Mustaine's autobiography and it's well worth a read. He comes across as a decent bloke these days, although he was a cock of the highest order in his youth.
  Nice to see the other side of the Metallica fallout story. Dave's version just confirms what I suspected all along. Lars Ulrich is a twat.

14th October '11 - I really wish I had some money. Do you have any you don't want?

13th October '11 - I'm still not quite sure how it happened, but I appear to have organised a Christmas meal here. I mean, this place just screams 'me', doesn't it? What the fuck am I playing at?
  Get in, neck a drink, eat really quickly and then fuck off to the Fox while the rest of them are dancing seems like the best plan...

12th October '11 - That's it. After my Windows Phone once again downloaded and installed a firmware upgrade without my consent (once again wiping all my contacts), I have decided that enough is enough and ordered an iPhone.
  Bastard thing is an insurance job and has cost me two hundred notes, but everyone I know with an iPhone is happy with it (even the non-Apple zombies), so fuck it, why not?
  It can't be any worse than this HTC piece of shit...

11th October '11 - The first 'Avengers' trailer is finally up. Check it out. Bit too much like 'The Iron Man Show' for me at the moment, but I liked Hawkeye and Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow is still going to be worth the entrance fee alone! Grrr!

10th October '11 - For the first time in half a decade, I almost phoned in sick this morning. Life is throwing shit at me from three different directions right now, and that's just a bit more than I can usually handle.
  I can sort one of these out, but the other two are out of my hands. Not fun.

9th October '11 - I didn't get up today as I simply couldn't be arsed. Head's too full of shit right now, so the only thing for it was to lie in my pit and start re-reading 'A Dance With Dragons' again.
  By a staggering (well, not really) coincidence, most of the casting for Season 2 of HBO's 'Game of Thrones' is now complete. Have a look here. I especially like Ygritte. Spot on!

8th October '11 - Well, as Penfold has pointed out, Kate Bush has a new album coming out soon. It's called 'Fifty Words For Snow' and it'll mean that she's put out two new albums in less than a year. The last time she did this was back in '78 and '79 with 'The Kick Inside' and 'Lionheart'.
  Hell of a benchmark to live up to there, lady!

7th October '11 - Back at work for one day only with a Brick Lane curry and a night in the Fox at the end of it. Now why can't all my working weeks be like this?

6th October '11 - Day Two of video training, and got to grips (eventually) with the whole download and editing process. Not as long-winded and stressful as I was imagining, given the ridiculous audit-trail process we're signed up to, but still a lot easier than the last bit of video software I had a fiddle with.
  I love Adobe, but 'Premier' scares the living shit out of me. This 'Pinnacle' suite is far easier on the brain. And eye!

5th October '11 - First day of a two day course where I get trained to use a piece of equipment that they've already told me I'll never get my hands on in real life, since the budget doesn't stretch to buying one for me as well as for my team.
  Fair enough I suppose, but at least they've taken an interest in showing me how it works so I can actually use it in an emergency if I have to. It's a new AVCHD camera and it's the tits. Spent all day wafting it around and making some footage, and tomorrow, I'll get shown how to stitch and edit my own movies! Cool as!
  I'm struggling to think now, but I reckon this is pretty much the first bit of professional training relevant to the actual job I was employed to do that they've sent me on this century. Rather good it was too!

4th October '11 - Oh Sam, Sam...what have you done? Two Rest Days blown away watching Season One of 'The Wire' (which Samboway has been on at me for years to check out). What can I say? Utterly amazing television, and I've no idea why I never got round to starting it before now.
  If the next four seasons are as good as this one, it's going to be a high-water mark of tv drama for me, and given that I've watched both 'The Shadow Line' and 'Luther' in the last few months, that's saying something!
  Sheer class, this!

2nd October '11 - I don't think I've ever had this before. A Sunday on duty where I've not had anything to do. That's not to say I sat there with my thumb up my arse (I actually got rid of a boat load of old corres. and put my little photographic studio in order once more) but in terms of hitting the ground running and going out on a job, there was nothing.
  Historically, things usually go a bit slack in November, so maybe we're having our lull early this year...

1st October '11 - Wolves 1 Newcastle 2. What a bag of shite. Thankfully, we were a bit better than the QPR game, but once again, the curse of the wank referee appears to have been our undoing. A blatant penalty denied and a ball which had clearly crossed the line brought back into play to score really didn't help our cause.
  Four losses on the spin now, and a mere two points off the drop zone. Familiar fucking territory and I'm getting a bit sick of it. I do not want another six month long relegation battle, Mick, and neither do the twenty-eight thousand other idiots who pack into Molineux each week, so how about upping the ante before the Christmas slump this year, eh?
  Still, at least we ain't Bolton. Yet.

30th September '11 - It's 'Bollocks Friday' once more. I get one of these every four weeks on my works pattern. It's where I work all week until about half two on Friday afternoon, think 'Yay! Friday! Time for a beer!' before realising that, bollocks, I'm working the weekend.
  Never fails to catch me out, this bastard...

29th September '11 - Yesterday was something of a pyrrhic victory, in that I didn't have to concede to anything that would require me to fall on my sword for honour's sake, nor did the other side formally request anything other than their original 'Phase One' plan.
  Sorry to be a bit vague, but this site is known about and not all of you lovely people have benign intentions, so with that in mind, I have to keep the invective to a minimum.
  Let's just say that what they're asking from me is not unreasonable. For now...

28th September '11 - Well, here it is. 'D-Day'. I've been summoned to our training school this morning to hear the great Master Plan for the future. Not my unit's future, obviously. That's been made pretty damn apparent already. No, this is about the future of the job I do, and today I will find out how seriously they're going to be taking it from now on.
  Do they want to continue offering a professional standard or not? That's pretty much what it boils down to.
  I don't know how this is going to pan out and I don't really care anymore. I know damn well I can offer them practical solutions to all their problems, but I'm not the one they're taking advice from. Hey, I'm merely their only accredited expert in this particular field, what would I know?
  Interestingly, remember the other day when I got so pissed-off I started using dumbells again? I'm doing sets every day now. Bizarre...

27th September '11 - One of those weird days we seem to get every so often. Lots of scrappy little bits and pieces to be done that seem terribly important at the time and are forgotten about an hour later.
  I genuinely couldn't tell you what I did today if my life depended on it, but I seemed to be busy for the full nine hours. Like I said, weird.

26th September '11 - Nikon have finally releasd the long-rumoured 'mirrorless compact' they've been keeping not-so-secret for the last six months. Basically, what they've made is a tiny sub-DSLR camera with matching tiny interchangeable lenses and a tiny flash to go with it. Have a look here.
  The price though, is far from tiny. One of these little darlings costs as much as my D7000 despite having an absolutely microscopic 1:2.7 crop factor. Basically, for all you old farts out there, this is the digital equivalent of a 110 film camera and about as fucking useful.
  Who the hell they think is going to shell out eight hundred notes for this is beyond me. Saying that though, it does come in a range of colour options. Perhaps the Apple crowd will be tempted?

24th September '11 - Liverpool 2 Wolves 1. A game ruined by a blatant Andy Carroll foul which led to their first goal, quickly followed by a second and us chasing the game after that. The second half was much better, and an impressive Hunt/Fletcher one-two cut the defecit. After that it was end to end and by the ninety, we really should've had something from this.
  Far better than the previous week's performance (let's face it, it couldn't have been much worse) and a bit of hope for the next game or two...

23rd September '11 - Flying visit back home to meet my new Great Nephew. Wow! I'm a Great Uncle! What's that all about, then? I never let my sister's boys call me 'Uncle', as it made me feel too bloody old at the time, but now I am too bloody old, I think little James can call me 'Uncle Bill'.
  Not for a year or two yet, though, as he's brand new at the moment. Awww!

22nd September '11 - Rest Days. Spent a lot of time in my own head. Partly because there was nothing much to do and partly because it needed a bit of a spring clean. Loads of old shit in there. I mean, honestly. Why the fuck was I holding onto that? Tch!
  Anyway, things are slowly being put into perspective again and I am re-assessing my priorities once more. Right now, the most important thing appears to be to go shoot some mutants in the Mojave Desert...

21st September '11 - Week Three of my four week non-shift shift pattern, which means after today, I get four days off! The downside is a seven-day stint at the end of it, but right now, a bird in the hand...
  I have come through the major crisis of last week. I've now made a decision and will stand by it. Depending on what comes up in the next week or two, I will act with a clear conscience and either common sense prevails or...well, like I said, I'm ready to act either way.
  Oh, and Wolves 5 Millwall 0, but it was a cup match and therefore irrelevant. Still, shows you what can happen if you don't play your specialist little Irish chums all the time, eh Mick?

20th September '11 - It's that time of the year again when I look round for something to do by way of a Christmas meal for me and my crew. This is always hampered by several factors. Firstly, not all of my lot are socialites. Secondly, everyone's on a different shift. Thirdly, most of the Christmas-themed restaurants are crap, and finally, I'm not prepared to pay up front when someone will inevitably drop out and leave me short.
  This year, however, there is a ray of hope. The Southbank has a month-long German Christmas thing going on. All open-air lager tents and bratwurst, with craft stalls and sundry other tat. I think I'll just get everyone to congregate there and fill them full of Becks instead. After four pints and a sausage or two, everyone'll be suitably festive and we can all piss off home for another year.
  Bah. Humbug.

19th September '11 - Sometimes a friend makes all the difference...

18th September '11 - After the recent spate of huge Euro-Lottery rollovers, this Tuesday's jackpot, according to my mate today is 'only' twenty million quid.
  Is that all? Fuck me, Paul, it's hardly worth having, is it?

17th September '11 - Wolves 0 OPR 3. As abject a performance as I've ever seen from a Wolves side, and that's fucking saying something. The clue was in the team sheet, frankly. When I saw the names Doyle, Ward and Kightly, I honestly though someone had put out an old Championship list for a giggle. Sadly, this wasn't the case.
  I don't know whether Mick McCarthy is starting to believe his own publicity, but if so, this ought to be a lesson for him. QPR had their first corner within ten seconds and were two-nil up by ten minutes. Jarvis looked dreadful, Elokobi worse and Berra didn't know what planet he was on. Rightly and properly punished by a sharper, hungrier team who were a yard quicker to everything for the full ninety minutes.
  Liverpool at Anfield next. God help us...

16th September '11 - Today was shit.
  I received a phone call from someone I hadn't spoken to in a long while. She is one of our training managers and she only ever calls me when she wants something. This usually involves weariness of one degree or another. This time, however, I was unprepared for what she was actually asking for.
  When my boss called not long after to confirm what she wanted of me, I kind of lost the plot. After lobbing the phone, I took myself off for a long walk.
  Like three postcodes worth.
  By the time I came back, my initial, uncharacteristic display of fury had been walled up with ice again, but fuck, I was still angry. As in 'do something that might cost you your job' angry. Thank God for the old set of dumbells I brought from our previous building. A few intense sets in the darkroom saved me from doing something silly.
  This shit will still be here on Monday, though. It isn't going away, and I will have to keep a lid on it until it becomes common knowledge, which is when things will really get interesting, but for me, that's it. I'm done.
  I'm done with trying to keep a professional service running when everyone else seems to be wilfully attempting to dismantle it.
  I have had enough of being treated like a cunt and it ends now.

15th September '11 - The Fishwife has persuaded me to watch this thing she got hooked on last year. I'm not normally one for telly, so wouldn't have watched it at the time, but her collected Season One of 'Luther' is really rather enjoyable.
  It's pretty much 'Cracker' for dummies, but an awesome Idris Elba and some tight scripting work wonders. Best of all though is the gorgeous Ruth Wilson as the psychopathic redhead Alice.
  I think I'm in love...

14th September '11 - Word from Hollywood is that yet another sequel is to be churned out next year. Only this one could be well worth a look.
  Mike Myers has apparently signed on for a fourth 'Austin Powers' movie and while I can take or leave the second and third ones, the first one is a riot.
  The fourth one though, will apparently feature Austin being given a 'Casino Royale' style makeover, which is already enough to get me giggling. Sound promising!

13th September '11 - The 'Firefly' t-shirt I ordered from the States arrived today. Apart from the logo, it says 'Dear Buddha, Please Bring Me A Pony And A Plastic Rocket' on the front.
  This is now my new favouritest thing in the world ever.

12th September '11 - Caught this weekend's 'Doctor Who' on BBC iPlayer this evening, and it's a thing of beauty. I've been hit and miss with the last two seasons if I'm brutally honest. Steven Moffat's idea of having a link running through all the episodes and tying everything up at the end is nowhere near as enjoyable for me as a series of decent standalone one and two parters.
  'The Girl Who Waited' is a standalone episode, and it is easily the best of Matt Smith's run so far. It isn't even his episode, as Karen Gillan (both of her!) carries this one and proves once and for all that she is capable of far more than the 'bunny-in-headlights' acting that she's usually called on to display.
  Witty, moving and sad, this is everything I love in a 'Doctor Who' story and is right up there with 'Blink' and 'The Girl In The Fireplace' for me. Catch it on iPlayer here before it goes if you haven't already...

11th September '11 - I remember, as I'm sure you all do, exactly what I was doing when the first plane hit the first tower. I was in a photographic darkroom knocking out some B&W prints (See? Some things have evolved, haven't they?) I came out into the light to check them and bumped into one of my colleagues watching our little office telly. "A plane's just flown into the World Trade Centre", she said. I think my initial resonse was something along the lines of "Now there's a shit pilot...", before heading back into the dark to make another print.
  I came out a few minutes later and this time our whole team is standing round the telly and, as I walk closer, the second plane goes in. There was a sick, dropping feeling in my stomach then, and that was as much work as was done for the rest of that morning.
  And so now here we are.Ten years on.
  A decade since the trigger for the ludicrous 'War On Terror'. A decade of reflection on exactly how much has been achieved since then, what with this world of ours being so much safer these days.
  Pointless wars and huge loss of life, both military and civilian, in Iraq and Afghanistan on the back of the New York atrocities and no-one seems to question the fact that all the money and planning behind the attacks came from Saudi Arabia.
  Kind of like kicking the dog when the cat's eaten all the fish in your pond if you ask me...

10th September '11 - Wolves 0 Tottenham 2. Like this is ever going to get old with most of my mates at work. Christ, Mick, couldn't you at least have tried and shake things up before we went two-nil down?
  Still, Harry looks to have purchased wisely in the transfer window and Spurs will knock on from this. We, on the other hand, have to dust ourselves off for QPR.
  No reason why we can't grab another three points next time round...

9th September '11 - It is with the deepest shame and much regret that I have to confess to being slightly the worse for wear at work this morning. For the first time in many a year, I was hung-over for a good couple of hours before the breakfast caffeine kicked in. Who the hell organises a leaving drink-up for a Thursday? In a posh bar that didn't serve any actual beer?
  Yet again, I was forced to drink Peroni out of an official Peroni glass which is the same size and shape as your Mum's best vase. The bastards wouldn't serve it in a normal pint glass (I asked), which is why me and these upmarket knocking-shops have never got on.
  A tenner for two 'drinks' and no fucking jukebox? Balls to that!

7th September '11 - Finally got the shaver out for the first time this year. I now look 'different' according to one of the nice ladies I work with.
  She was very gracious...once she'd stopped laughing. Cow.

6th September '11 - I don't watch telly, we've established this before. However, what I do enjoy is cracking open a DVD boxset and ploughing through the episodes at my own pace without having to wait for next week's episode. This only works in the latter part of the year when the nights are drawing in and I don't have the bloody sun blaring through the curtains at half eight at night.
  So, it's with no small amount of joy that I can happily state that this year's boxset season is finally upon us and I can look forward to enjoying all the stuff I've stockpiled since last year, as well as revisting some old friends.
  Tonight, we kick off with another run of 'Firefly'. Shiny!

5th September '11 - Rest Days again. Woke up at a quarter past five. These days, this constitutes a lie-in for me. Which was nice...
  Nothing else for it but to fire up Steam and go frag some zombies. At least until it's time for breakfast...

4th September '11 - Loaded van, sky clear. Drove to job, sky clear. Got out to do job, pissed down. Finished job, got back into van, sky clear.
  On the plus side, I found I'd won on Friday's Euro Lottery. £3 off a £2 ticket...

3rd September '11 - Ten hour days on two hours sleep is never fun. Then, to get sent from Mile End to Morden on a Saturday afternoon...well, that just upped the ante. Finally, booked off at five to find the District and Circle Lines closed and all the buses diverted as well because of an EDL march that had closed the Mile End Road.
  Ended up walking from Liverpool Street to Charing Cross to get a Northern Line train home with a mile and a half walk up Tooting Bec at the end of it.
  This weekend could've been so much different. Goddamn work...

2nd September '11 - Broke my own cardinal rule today. I let the mask slip. Stupid.

1st September '11 - Well that sucked. Damned phone never stopped ringing all day. Sometimes, it can be a real drag being at my 'foreman' grade. I find it hard to go out and crack on with the work because of my 'management' responsibilities, yet I don't have enough management clout to actually make sure things get done as I'd like them; i.e. properly.
  Hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks. Oh wait, they don't.

31st August '11 - Well, that was August. Riots, rain and rat-fuck politicians talking rubbish. Who knows what September will bring? Apart from the release of all the little shits that were sent down for looting earlier on in the month, that is...

30th August '11 - Just confirmed a booking for next year's summer hols. It's an early one, seeing as all leave in our organisation has been cancelled because of the poxy Olympics, but still, have a look at this.
  Even better, as we're going in May, it'll work out a grand cheaper than our usual July jaunt. More money for ale and pasties. Nice!

29th August '11 - A survey by some society of 'mortgage lenders' has said that the majority of Londoners will be renting their homes by 2021 due to the average property price being so far beyond them. Indeed, this sage group of individuals have predicted no less than a total 21.3% rise in property prices over the next five years.
  Here's what I have to say: Fuck off.
  Isn't is obvious that these people have a vested interest in keeping the artificially-inflated market where it is? What happens if the few people still buying houses sudden stop? Exactly.
  These tossers are counting on there being enough Pilkington Taste Testers around to fall for this tripe and keep them in a job. They're probably right, too.

28th August '11 - Aston Villa 0 Wolves 0. You know what? I'll take that.

27th August '11 - Another typically trite Government announcement today telling us that young people need to be more educated in the perils of gang-culture and knife-crime.
  You know what? I agree with them.
  But instead of the usual lefty bollocks of sitting round discussing why gangs and knives are BAD, I propose a more effective option. As soon as a young lad reaches the age of fourteen, stab the little cunt. Not hard or especially deep, just a couple of inches into the meat of his arm or leg. Then stitch him up and send him on his way.
  I bet you the chances of him turning into a knife-weilding scumbag after that will be ten to the power of my fucking overdraft against...

26th August '11 - Memo to self: When it's your turn to take the minutes at a management meeting, always write the things up as soon as the meeting's over.
  Otherwise you come to look at them a week later and can't make head nor fucking tail of who said what. Oh well, Plan B. Leave it a month before emailing the first draft out and every other bugger will have forgotten what was said, too...

25th August '11 - I have powered up 'Left 4 Dead' on my PC again. I feel the need to repeatedly put a shotgun into the faces of a load of brain-dead zombies, pull the trigger and splash their brains all over the wall.
  Actually, I feel like this most days in London, but it's been especially intense today...

24th August '11 - It's just occurred to me that I've not had a go on the National Lottery for ages. Oh noes! What if my numbers have come up and I've missed the chance to be as rich as Simon Cowell's left ear?
  Well, I reckon not spending a couple of quid a week for the last month or two has saved me enough for a night out on the piss, which is exactly what I'm going to do with it.
  Right now. Bye!

23rd August '11 - 'Skyrim' is now available for pre-order on Steam. Get in!

22nd August '11 - Shockingly, yesterday saw my first ever trip to the Black Country Museum, which for a Wulfrunian is a bit like a resident of Blackpool never setting foot on the Golden Mile. Very nice it was too, especially the pint of authentic turn-of-the-last-century Mild and the proper fish and chips (fried in dripping) that I put away.
  Shame we weren't paying 1900's prices, though. Still, well worth a visit...

21st August '11 - Wolves 2 Fulham 0. Blimey! Two wins on the spin!. For a moment there, Wolves were even top of the Prem, which is absolutely unheard of. I think following the win against Blackburn last week, there is definitely some teeth to the team again. We are sharper than last season for sure, and with Hunt and Fletcher firing on all cylinders, I really can see us avoiding a relegation dog-fight for the first time this season.
  Now all we need to do is keep the injury list as small as possible. Fingers crossed!

20th August '11 - Best Man time again. That's the third time my services have been called upon for this demanding and highly stressful undertaking.
  You don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I'm a professional photographer, do you?
  I think I might turn Mormon and get another couple of wives so I can call these favours in. That'll teach the bastards to keep asking me!

19th August '11 - My last day before a lovely week off. At least, I think it is. Is this Friday? I've been up at 04:30 every day so far this month and my brain has turned to Swiss cheese.
  I plan on doing absolutely sod-all next week. Apart from two nights out, a trip to a museum, writing two business cases for work and re-installing everything on my laptop after the poxy hard drive crashed.
  Sheesh.

18th August '11 - For the last fortnight at least I've been wearing a jacket to work and then carrying the thing around because it's been so bloody hot. Today, I left the jacket at home...and got fucking drenched.
  Oh the delicious irony!

17th August '11 - My turn to host the bi-monthly management meeting today, so everyone came to my gaff, where I'd promised them doughnuts and a ninety minute session tops.
  No such luck. Meetings in our organisation always end up three or four hours long, even if it's just to decide what goes on the agenda for the next one.
  Still, two and a half hours isn't bad. Especially with a couple of Krispy Kremes on board!

16th August '11 - I've decided I want one of these. I can't afford it, I've no idea where I'd put it and, to be honest, its juvenile vulgarity offends me ever so slightly.
  Still, it's the absolute tits, isn't it? Dark Phoenix! Grrr!

15th August '11 - Ah, Monday morning. How I love thee! Arse.

14th August '11 - My first bit of overtime since...well, this year at least. A whole day of co-ordinating all the troops from the ops desk and even going out to do a job or two myself.
  Blimey! Actually doing the job I was employed to do! What a refreshing change!

13th August '11 - Blackburn 1 Wolves 2. Unfinished business now finished. Despite doing us 3-2 at Molineux in that unforgettable nail-biter at the end of last season (I still wake up sweating over that one!), the Blackburn side that rolled out today looked second-best from the off,despite going one up in the first half.
  We equalised in minutes though, and after that we were never really troubled. Mick McCarthy has tinkered with the team, but it's prettymuch there now, and new boy (and captain) Roger Johnson looks fantastic at the back. Could this be the season it all finally comes together and we don't find ourselves in a relegation dogfight next May? Here's hoping!

11th August '11 - Lots of big noises being made by Cameron and the rest of the sock puppets about how all the naughty yoofs will be going down for a long time once they've been found guilty at these hurredly convened magistrates courts.
  A fiver says the first one will be out by the end of the month...

10th August '11 - Surprisingly, work was still there when I got in at ten to seven this morning. It looks as if the East End escaped the heavy-duty trashing that other parts of London endured. Then again, we haven't got any mobile-phone or trainer shops by where I work.
  However, if kebabs suddenly become high-end items overnight, we'll all be well and truly fucked up here in E3....

9th August '11 - If your sole source of information on the riots has been Sky News, or worse, the scumbag BBC, then pop over to the great Inspector Gadget's 'blog and have a read of the comments coming in from the front line.
  What the hell has happened to this nation? Look what those politically-correct wankers have done to us...

8th August '11 - I'd normally be in bed by now, but for once I'm staying up late. Part of me can't believe what I'm watching on these live news broadcasts. Sadly, another part of me is amazed we haven't seen things like this before.
  The feral underclass we've spent thirty years breeding and encouraging has finally developed the collective intelligence to realise just how thin the Thin Blue Line really is and how utterly hamstrung it is, hampered at every turn by a poisonous left-wing agenda where the criminal is the victim and the victim is dirt.
  Devil's Night in the UK and it isn't even October 30th.
  They're not going to stop. They've got a taste for it now.

7th August '11 - Had to abandon my post and drive into our Duty Office today, as no-one on this morning had enough knowledge of our working practices and capabilities to supply the appropriately-trained cover following last night's shenanigans. Took a couple of hours of frantic ringing round, but in the end, we got it sorted. For now.
  I've a horrible feeling it's all going to go bent very soon...

6th August '11 - Only a week to go until the Premier League kicks off again. We've got Blackburn in our first game. You remember; the team who went three-nil up at half time against us in the final game of last season.
  Oh well, it could've been worse. Imagine having Man Utd as your opener...like the scum have got! Go on, Sir Alex! Give 'em some 'ommer!

4th August '11 - The Great British Beer Festival once more. The first time I haven't had Steve alongside me for twelve years. It felt strange. It felt sad.
  Ironically, it was also the first time ever that Batham's (Steve's favourite brewery) hadn't bothered to send a couple of barrels of their finest along. It's almost as if they knew there wouldn't be much point.
  Missed you, Mon-keh...

3rd August '11 - My resolution for August was not to buy any more cheap games on Steam, owing to the fact that I have twenty-two of the buggers on my hard-drive that I haven't even booted up yet  
  Today, the bastards are selling 'Fallout: New Vegas' for £7.49. Arse.

2nd August '11 - Shamefully remiss of me, but there were two big news items while I was on holiday not giving a toss. One was some lunatic Norwegian Freemason shooting up the youth wing of the country's Labour party, killing sixty-nine people and the other was Amy Winehouse finally joining the 27 Club.
  Seventy people dead.
  Sixty-nine people will be forgotten about by the rest of the world inside a week and the other will become a legend. Not quite sure how this works, but it can't be right...

1st August '11 - Back to work once more. One hundred and thirty-eight emails waiting for me. That and bringing the shift patterns and annual leave up to date again pretty much took care of the day.
  One amusing thing though. I found out I'd received a commendation for the good work that my old unit had done. Seeing as I left four years ago, I had to drop a line to the brass thanking them for the nod, but letting them know it would be inappropriate for me to take any credit for the efforts of others.
  Integrity intact.

31st July '11 - And this is London. The city that promised it wouldn't do that again, but then did it anyway. Yesterday, it took me four and a half hours to get from Peebles to Wolverhampton, a distance of 265 mles. Today it took the same amount of time to get the 142 miles from Wolves back to Streatham. Forty miles an hour on the M42. Fabulous.
  Why so many people are so desperate to come to this rancid hole, I'll never know. Probably for all the free money and housing. Unless you're Britlish and working for a living, that is...

23rd - 30th July '11, Castle Hill (nr Peebles), Scotland - For a number of different reasons, we decided to give Cornwall a miss this year. Frankly, this was just what I needed. The place where we stayed was wonderful. Four miles away from anything and sporting a ruined sixteenth century keep right there in the back garden (the dungeons and part of the ground floor were still intact. Another month or two of London and even this would've been a tonic).
  Went for walks along the River Tweed, up into the woodland, climbed a hill or two. Divine. For the most part, we were lucky if we saw a dozen other people all day. No sirens, no shouty ethnic-types, just hills, trees and rolling fields. And sheep. Lots and lots of sheep.
  The weather was glorious. Six out of the seven days were hot and sunny. Even the locals seemed vaguely apologetic that it wasn't raining. The nights were beautiful, too. With no street-lights for miles, I was able to sit out at midnight with a glass of wine counting the constellations and watching the satellites pass overhead. I even had my very own shooting star to wish on.
  I like Scotland. I shall definitely return.

22nd July '11 - I'm taking a week off from everything once more. I'm not sure if it's even worth coming back. This no longer seems to have the charm that it used to.

21st July '11 - A day of camera contrasts. Took my new works Nikon out for the first time and put it through its paces on a couple of 'live' jobs in the daytime, whilst in the evening I photographed a mate's retirement 'do' with my own shiny new toy.
  The work D700 is the lowest model in Nikon's 'professional' range, whereas my D7000 is their top 'amateur' camera. In reality, apart from the autofocus being slightly slower on the professional camera, I couldn't tell you the difference in actual useage. I can tell you the difference in price, though. Mine cost half what the work one did.

20th July '11 - Someone at work has been mentioned in despatches for a job well done. My job. This is not the first time my efforts have been hijacked by someone else to enhance their own reputation. It used to happen quite a bit in years gone by. Thinking about it, I suppose I ought to be angry, but I've kind of gotten used to it by now.
  After all this time, it's oddly flattering in a way...

19th July '11 - Ironically, it was the hatchet-faced redhead Rebeka-ka-ka-ka-ka that came across as the most forthright and convincing in the Commons Select Committee inquiry into phone-hacking at the News of the World this afternoon.
  Who'd have thought it?

18th July '11 - So the trailer for the relaunch of the 'Spider-Man' franchise has been released and, blow me down, they're going with the origin story again. Because, you know, I've kind of forgotten how he got his super spider powers, haven't you?
  I mean, it's been a whole three years since the last movie. I think I recall, though. He was coughed on by a radio-active shrew or something, wasn't he?
  What was the kid's name again? Paul Porter or something, wasn't it?

17th July '11 - Wolves have just finalised the £7 million purchase of Roger Johnson from Birmingham. With Jody Craddock signing for another year and Dorus De Vries as reserve goalie, things are slowly coming together at the back.
  About time, too! Somwhere between twelfth and fifteenth place this season if you please, Super Mick

16th July '11 - Happy Birthday, Steve. I miss you, bro...

15th July '11 - Finished the book. Wow! The executives at HBO better hope that interest in all things 'Game Of Thrones' wanes after Season 2 next year because there's no way they'll be able to afford to screen some of the things I've just read on $5 million an episode. Not unless they use sock puppets for the dragons, anyway...
  On a completely diffent note,  the £161 million Euro-Lottery Jackpot was finally claimed by non other than Shrek and Princess Fiona! Who says there's no such thing as a fairytale ending? Bastards.

12th July '11 - Going dark for a couple of days, owing to the fact that 'A Dance With Dragons' will be dropping through the door tomorrow morning. Well, actually, the postman will probably ring the bell seeing as this fucker is a thousand page doorstop.
  I've waited over five years for this baby, so it will be getting my full attention. See you again on Friday or Saturday...

11th July '11 - Although, after 'The Dark Knight' and 'Inception', I'm prepared to give Christopher Nolan the benefit of the doubt on pretty much anything cinematic, I'm getting a little bit nervous about his casting for the final film in his Batman trilogy.
  Tom Hardy will make a fantastic Bane, no question, but Nolan's apparent insistence that Hardy will not be digitally enhanced for the role is worrying. See, in the comics, Bane looks like this. In real life, Hardy, though fairly ripped, is a good three inches shorter than Christian Bale. Whichever way you cut it, a five foot ten bloke in a vest is not going to convincingly take down a six foot one bloke in body armour, is he?
  Then again, I did think that a film about dreams within dreams sounded a bit woolly too, so what do I know?

10th July '11 - 'Rebekah'? Honestly, you'd think someone in charge of a multi-national media conglomeration would be able to spell 'Rebecca' correctly, wouldn't you?
  If this hatchet-faced ginger bint is still in a job this time next week...I wouldn't be at all surprised.

9th July '11 - Looks like 'Game Of Thrones' is up for four Emmys. Best Drama, Best Individual Episode ('Baelor'; the one where we said ta-ta to Sean Bean), Best Adapted Screenplay ('Winter Is Coming'; the Pilot) and Best Supporting Actor (Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister).
  If the former and the latter don't win hands down, there's no fucking justice!

8th July '11 - Can someone please explain how something ordered from an eBay seller in South Korea can arrive three days before something ordered from an eBay seller in Tyneside when both were PayPal cleared within minutes of each other?
  Damn Geordie posties. Bizarre...

7th July '11 - Right, so Colin Firth has just been given the Keys to the City of London to go with his CBE, while Helena Bonham-Carter gets...sod all. Reading between the lines, it's obvious that Her Majesty very much approves of how Daddy was portrayed in the rather excellent 'The King's Speech', but is apparently less than enamoured with the way Mummy came across.
  Poor Mrs. Burton...

6th July '11 - When I first watched 'The Matrix' I thought how awesome it would be to live Neo's life. Not once he'd met Morpheus, but before, right at the start of the movie when he's an underground hacker. That bit.
  I remember seeing him in his room with the lights dimmed and two or three PCs on the go; each machine doing weird and wonderful things. What was going on behind those screens? What fabulous techno-wizardry?
  Tonight, I had a moment of deja-vu, for I had become Neo. The lights were off, I had my main PC up and running and the laptop on the go right next to it. Wow! Cyber-guru at last! So what sinister and complex underground machinations was I involved in running two computers at the same time?
  The laptop was defragging and the PC was downloading 'Portal 2' off Steam.
  I don't think the CIA will be pushing the panic button on me just yet...

5th July '11 - I sometimes think...nah, let's leave it at that, shall we?

4th July '11 - Spent the day in a seminar at one of our organisation's other buildings. This place is one of the few remaining sites that still runs a canteen, and today, being Independence Day, there was an American-themed menu. I took one look at the Coney Island Corn Dog and promptly went for a tuna sandwich instead.
  I'm sure it tasted lovely, but the fact that it looked like a leper's flaky todger put me right off...

3rd July '11 - Finally finished 'Fallout 3'. Andy was right. The ending was shit.

2nd July '11 - One of the benefits of being on a 'conditioned hours' (non) shift pattern is that I can see what my working weeks look like months in advance. This means I always know where my 'short' weeks are and can book the train back to Wolverhampton early in order to maximise the savings.
  And the savings are often huge. To be quite honest, I don't know how Virgin Trains stay in business looking at some of their prices. I've just booked a First Class Saver out of Euston on a Friday evening in late August and it cost me twenty-seven pounds. This will include food, a complimentary lager or two, a newspaper (well, the Telegraph), and free broadband for my laptop. Were I to turn up on the day and take the same train, I'd be looking at a hundred and forty-three quid.
  Spontaneity? Wildly overrated...

1st July '11 - Payday. I like payday. I liked it even more when I was picking up a 15% Shift Allowance, but you know what? It's worth the pay cut not to have to do nights anymore. Don't get me wrong; I didn't mind them when I was on them, but now I'm not, there's no way you'd get me back! The trick now is to stay as close to the tax cut-off point as possible. My days of flogging myself to death simply to hand 40% over to the Government for them to supplement India's space programme are long gone...

29th June '11 - Although it still pisses me off royally that I can't have a nice Old Port cigar with my pint anymore, I can't fault my local as a greasy spoon.
  A Wetherspoons large breakfast is absolutely phenomenal, and every time I eat one, that's pretty much it for me food-wise for the whole day.
  Good job, too. There's sixteen hundred calories in that fucker!

28th June '11 - Sometimes, I have a Rest Day where I jump up at the crack of, organise a list of things that need doing that day and systematically work my way through it accomplishing many wide and varied tasks like a true hero.
  Today was not one of those Rest Days. Today, I lay around like a bloated warthog carcass slowly decomposing in the Serengeti sunshine.
  Man, it's just too damned hot...

27th June '11 - Wimbledon again, then. Yawn.

26th June '11 - It occurred to me earlier that I hadn't heard Kate Bush's Christ-awful version of Elton John's 'Rocket Man' for twenty years. It couldn't really be as bad as I remembered, could it? So I found it on 'YouTube'. Fuck me, it is!

24th June '11 - Early screening reviews appear to suggest that Michael Bay's third 'Transformers' movie isn't quite as bad as the previous two. That's like saying horse shit doesn't smell as bad as cow shit. There's still a rather pungent odour, isn't there?

23rd June '11 - You'd think being disabled and in need of constant medication, they'd give me a bit of a break, wouldn't you? Not a bit of it. Today, the renewment for my annual Prescription Pre-Payment Card dropped through the letter box. £104 quid to stay alive for another year!
  Now, sure, it's good value in theory - I dread to think what all those inhalers, beta-blockers, statins and painkillers would come to over the counter, but on the other hand, if I were Scottish, I'd get them free. It really gets me fired up when I think about this health apartheid, which is why I try not to very often.
  They'll be putting me on blood-pressure medication next, and that's really expensive!

22nd June '11 - Some very interesting Dr. Who rumours flying round the intertubes right now. Apparently, next year's third Matt Smith season has been scrapped in favour of the 'four ninety-minute special' approach David Tennant did a couple of years back.
  The reason behind this? Well, 2013 marks the fiftieth anniversary of the good Doctor's first appearance on telly (23rd November 1963), and the BBC are keen to really ramp it up to celebrate. Naturally, this will be expensive, so in effect, they're going to divert half the 2012 budget into 2013 and go silly.
  I just about remember the tenth anniversary, when 'The Three Doctors' aired. Having Hartnell, Troughton and Pertwee team up to defeat renegade Timelord Omega was a wonderful concept, and one which they've stayed away from since the 2005 relaunch. How about them doing it again with Ecclestone, Tennant and Smith? They could even add Paul McGann into the mix and really give everyone a geekgasm!
  I think whatever they do, we'll be in for a treat!

21st June '11 - Yee-ha! Summer Solstice at last! Now the dark nights can start drawing in and a few months from now, all this sun blaring through my fucking curtains when I'm trying to get to sleep will be just a bad memory.

20th June '11 - Final episode of 'Game Of Thrones'. Told you it was good, didn't I? Only three weeks to go until Book Five is released. Can't wait!

18th June '11 - On the one hand, we should all be grateful for the lack of Simon bastard Cowell on the box right now, but on the other, there's no bleeding football.
  Swings and roundabouts. Ho hum...

17th June '11 - Took me long enough, but I'm now wholly won over by the London curry scene; mainly due to a fabulous little place called 'Aladin' halfway up Brick Lane. Last night's dish - as recommended by the waiter - was a lamb chilli naga with coconut rice.
  The nagas had been pickled to take some (but not all) of the pain out and were both bitter and hot, but not brutally so. The sweetness of the coconut rice, however, combined with the sauce and made it absolutely divine.
  One of the most flavoursome meals I've eaten for a long time. More please!

16th June '11 - I'm toying with the idea for a new lens for my camera. It's a toss up between an 85mm Macro, which, apart from letting me photograph small objects at 1:1 would also double up as an incredibly useful short telephoto/portrait lens.
  Or, I could buy a completely inappropriate 8mm Fisheye, which would allow me to sod about, push it right into people's faces and make everyone look like Sophie Ellis Bextor.
  Decisions, decisions...

15th June '11 - Ooh, we like! My local Sainsbury's have started stocking these. Keep an eye out for them, they're rather good. Especially with a Guinness!

14th June '11 - BOOM! I knew the uninitiated would be in for a shock at the events of last night's 'Game Of Thrones', but I wasn't expecting the sheer outpouring of disbelief, anger and incredulity buzzing round the intertubes right now. Twitter is in meltdown.
  Quite simply, TV audiences - American TV audiences - aren't used to seeing the main character of a show killed offhand in the first season and it's thrown them into a bit of a tizz. Check out this guy. Priceless!
  Wait until he gets to the 'Red Wedding' in Season Three. He's going to shit standing at that!

13th June '11 - Got Biohazard's 'State Of The World Address' on the go once more. It's doing my head in that this album is seventeen years old. I remember going into Tower Records in Piccadilly especially to buy it the day it came out!
  Still vital, still punishing. Their best by a mile.

12th June '11 - This is most unlike me. I'm playing a game that I can't wait to see the back of. I have been plugging away at 'Fallout 3' for what seems like years now (I'm one of those saddoes that always has to do everything in a game before I sign off on it, as opposed to simply steaming through the main quest and shelving it.)
  I don't know what it is about this game. It's the same open-ended sandbox that 'Oblivion' had, but I found that my interest was waning after a fornight and now, a couple of months in, I'm sick of the sight of it.
  Another week or so and I can put it to bed. My mate Andy says the ending is a disappointment, too. So there's something to look forward to...

11th June '11 - Squeak! Hear that? That's the sound of Alex McLeish swimming away from newly-relegated Birmingham City and paddling furiously towards Villa Park as fast as his little ginger paws can carry him. Not impressed.

10th June '11 - Normally, I tend not to be bothered about missing out on hitting the town at the weekend like I did in my twenties, but there was just something about this afternoon that brought me down. Knowing that it was Friday, and that I could really have done with an ale, coupled with the fact that I'm down to work Saturday and Sunday, felt like a kick in the swingers.
  Oh well, there's always next week. I feel a Brick Lane curry coming on!

8th June '11 - Just watched this week's episode of 'Game of Thrones'. Wow! Two to go, and this is simply brilliant television. I'm utterly amazed at how this has taken off, particularly among those who've never read the books.
  They are starting to read them now, though. All four are back in the best-seller lists and the fifth one is due out in hardback on July 12th.
  I've booked time off work to read it. Yes, really. That good.

7th June '11 - "Arizona, noon, on the seventh of June..." Every year for the past thirty years on this date, I have the lyrics to the theme tune from 'Convoy' rolling round my head.
  This is what pissing about with a CB radio at the age of thirteen does for you..

6th June '11 - Went for the feedback session today, where one of the big bosses told me where I'd gone wrong in my application to go back to the job I'd previously done at the same grade for four years. Apparently, my application was full of 'negative indicators'. This was explained further, and it looks like what let me down was using phrases like "I had no alternative but to..." when I should've said "I considered the options and then decided to..."
  In other words, semantics are now the tool by which highly-skilled professionals are judged in my organisation. I mean, perish the thought that proven ability and having a better academic standing than the head of the unit should influence the panel's thinking. Or maybe it did?
  Frankly, this whole business has merely served to remind me why I walked away from that team four years ago. I think I'll stick with what I've got in my new post. I'm still very much enjoying the refreshing change it makes working with grown-ups...

5th June '11 - Decided to see if driving back to London in the evening would be any less soul-crushingly weary that an early afternoon run. No, it isn't.

3rd June '11 - Faced with the option of traipsing round the Merry Hill Shopping Centre for three hours and then waiting while the wife had a live fish/pedicure treatment (trust me, don't ask) or pissing off on my own to watch 'X-Men: First Class' with only a tray of nachos for company, I wisely chose the latter. I wasn't expecting much from this to be honest, seeing as 'X-Men: The Last Stand' was dull and 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' was absolute fucking bollocks, so it came as quite a pleasant shock to discover that this is easily on a par with 'X2' and may even be judged better on a second viewing. Great acting (!), a watertight script and top-notch SFX. Give it a go.

2nd June '11 - A trip to Birmingham with my oldest mate, Bry. We do this twice a year, and it basically involves looking round all the shops and moaning about how crap they all are compared to how it was when we were teenagers, followed by an ale or two, another look round the shops in case we'd misjudged how shit they were (we hadn't), another ale or two and home for tea.
  Routine. It can be very comforting. Especially where ale's involved.

1st June '11 - Today saw me and the family parked in front of the first advance showing of 'Kung Fu Panda 2' in 3D. Sublime. A really good family film that tops the first one (there's some kung fu in this one for a start) and possibly the best 3D I've seen so far, up to and including 'Avatar'.
  A surprisingly moving story at times, too. Especially when Po's father tells him he's adopted. There were actually gasps in the audience as a skinny, slightly camp Chinese goose told a Giant Panda that they weren't in fact related.
  Catch this while you can. It really is...awesome!

30th May '11 - The thing I love most about having a week off is the chance to catch up on some rest, which basically means not getting up at four o'clock in the bastard morning and going to bed around eight to watch a movie on the Alienware laptop while the girls stay up late watching whatever Simon Cowell wank is on at that particular time of year.
  For this purpose, I deliberately download certain 'rainy day' movies to check out in these little oases of relaxation. Sometimes these films are good and I go and buy the DVD (or, if they're really good, the Blu-Ray). Mostly though, they're dreck and I simply delete them and mourn the two hours of precious life I'll never get back. This evening's visual treat was the recent remake of 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'.
  Now I don't know if you've seen the original, but it can be filed under 'mildly-entertaining low-budget bollocks'. This one has a higher budget and slightly less entertainment value. The only thing that kept me watching was the possibility that we'd get to see Jessica Biel's tits. We didn't. Ho-hum...

28th May '11 - Slight change of plan. Instead of driving back to Wolverhampton as usual on a Friday evening all shagged out after a long day at work, I decided to come home, go to bed, get up as normal at 05:00, bundle the girls in the car and hit the M40 early this morning.
  Result! Left at 07:00, breakfast at Oxford at 08:30, back in Wolvo by half ten. No stress, very little traffic and a much better frame of mind.
  Why has it taken me twenty-two years to figure this out?

27th May '11 - Advance tickets have been booked next week for 'Kung Fu Panda 2'...in 3D! Personally, I can't have enough of Jack Black. He reminds me of Meat Loaf's hyperactive idiot son, which is very much a good thing. The first movie is a big favourite in this house, so roll on Wednesday! Awesome!

26th May '11 - Sad to say that today, I learned that I'd been rejected in my application to go back to my old job. One of the bosses came round today to tell me the bad news. Amazingly, I resisted the temptation to tell him exactly what I was thinking at the time, and he has offered to talk me through where I went wrong after I come back from leave. This ought to be interesting. I'm still without a contract of employment, though. Embarrassing.

25th May '11 - My good mate Pogo sent me this. Absolutely hilarious!

24th May '11 - I now have all the tools of my trade once more. For the last couple of months, I have been buying bits and pieces to enable me to legitimately call myself a photographer again (Why not? Every other fucker with a camera does these days.)
  I now have a shiny new Nikon, a handful of lenses, a decent monopod and a strong bag. Should things deteriorate any further at work, I can now at least earn a living. It's a nice feeling...

23rd May '11 - Ah, it's that time of year again where a young manager's life revolves around Annual Staff Reports. Two weeks of trying to find something valid to write about staff who can't be bothered to evidence their years work for the benefit of an HR unit who never read the things anyway.
  I wonder how many times I can sneak the word 'cock' into this year's batch? Seven is the figure to beat...

22nd May '11 - Wolves 2 Blackburn 3. Absolutely annihilated on our home turf, but we end up staying in the top flight. A game and a half for the Wanderers, but my God, we came good! Twice relegated in the last fifteen minutes and twice reprieved. Roll on next season, eh, Mick?

19th May '11 - Not for the first time, the Metropolitan Police made me chortle recently. In a press conference last week to announce their impending use of hollow-point ammunition, the head of the Met's firearms unit, Jerry Savill (now then!) was at pains to point out that the new bullets are not to be referred to as 'dum dum' rounds because they were absolutely not dum dums. Not at all. Not even slightly.
  Except they are really, aren't they, Jerry? Hollow-point rounds were first produced for the British Army in India at the Dum Dum Arsenal in Calcutta, hence the nickname. But hey, you call them what you like, Jerry old son.
  Go ahead, give these exploding, one-shot-kill bullets a nice, safe, flowery-sounding name if you like. How about 'petal' rounds? That'd do nicely. Why, they sound almost charming now, don't they?
  I'm thinking of getting some piranha for the pond here at Fish Towers. Except 'piranha' sounds a bit menacing, doesn't it? I know, how about if I call them 'Smiley Fish'. There. Much better.

18th May '11 - Today at work, I plotted out the Christmas shift rota. Since we were forced to work an eight-week cycle, the same poor buggers that copped last Christmas get it again this year. And next. Still, at least I've got six months to find replacement bums for all the seats. Forward planning, eh? Who's the daddy?

16th May '11 - Those of you expecting me to comment on the 'new' Kate Bush album are in for a long wait. I've said before that 'my' Kate was the one who gave us four differing and compelling albums between 1978 and 1982. The ultra-polished and technical musican that came back with 'Hounds Of Love' in '85? You can keep her.
  So hearing that she has gone back into her archive to dick about with new vocals and arrangements of selected tracks from her sixth and seventh albums doesn't interest me because I wasn't that enamoured with them in the first place.
  Anyway, if you want a review, try this one. I'm fairly sure he's covered all that I would've said and more...

15th May'11 - A last gasp winner from Wigan and West Ham are relegated. To be fair, the Hammers are overdue a spell in the fizzy pop league. They've been getting away with it by the skin of their teeth for ages. Three teams on 39 points, two teams on 40, one game left. Next Sunday's going to be a bit of a giggle...

14th May '11 - Sunderland 1 Wolves 3. And Mick McCarthy finally gets three points at the Stadium of Light.Two three-one wins on the spin now. Depending on how things pan out in the other games tomorrow, a draw could be good enough in our final game to keep us up. Squeaky bum time again...

12th May '11 - Yes, I know I've still got my shades on indoors. No, I'm not trying to be 'cool'. Yes, I'm aware that you think I look a twat. No, I don't care. The fact is I look upon these things as 'dark' glasses, not 'sun' glasses, and they happen to cut out 33% of all transmitted light.
  Or, put another way, that's a third less of the world I have to look at and a third less of arseholes like you that my visual cortex has to process.
  Now fuck off.

11th May '11 - Hello. Is there anyone still there?

Interlude:

There will now be a short intermission. Frankly, I've had a bagful of pretty much everything at the moment, so I shall be taking a month off from work, blogging and most other responsibilities and commitments, during which time I will be spoiling myself rotten by buying a shiny new Nikon, watching a shit-load of DVDs on my big telly, playing computer games until the wee small hours, listening to silly amounts of hardcore metal and drinking like the fish that I am.
  'Me' time. Because I'm fucking worth it. Laters...

17th April '11 - Well, as I'm technically out of a job, I've had no option but to apply for my old one again, so the last few days have been spent filling in paperwork and evidencing competencies - precisely the things I told them to shove up their arse when they wanted me to do them a year ago. Since then however, things have changed. My world is a different place now, and all of this work stuff that I used to think was so very important has slipped wa-a-y down on my personal chart. So, yes, I have decided to play ball. They will probably paper-sift me and/or insist on interviewing me at some point, just to rub my nose in it. For a job I did for thirteen years in a unit I helped create, but hey, I shall whirr and click like a good little robot for them if they want.
  None of this phases me now. None of this matters...

14th April '11 - I'm really not a happy bunny right now...

12th April '11 - Well, today's the day. My one-year posting has come to an end, and the successful applicant...is nowhere to be seen. Now on the one hand, here I am without a contract of employment and on the other, there he is AWOL from duty. Knowing what you all know about the working practices of my organisation, what do you think is being done about this? Exactly.

11th April '11 - Big news today from one of our HR bigwigs. Apparently, the next two years are going to be very tough, massive savings must be found and it is inevitable that jobs will go somewhere down the line. You can see how they made it to the top with that sort of clarity of foresight, can't you?

10th April '11 - Just in case you wondered or cared how my selection for yesterday's Grand National got on, I'm pleased to announce that my horse actually finished this year, as opposed to falling or ending up in the glue factory like they usually do. Sadly, it finished seventh, so no money for me. If only I'd have looked at the thing before putting the cash down. 'Character Building' was a grey (only two greys have ever won) and it was ridden by a woman (no woman has ever won...unless you count Elizabeth Taylor in 'National Velvet'.) Oh well, better luck next year.

9th April '11 - Wolves 0 Everton 3. Is he having a laugh or what? Just how the hell did Mick McCarthy select that team today? Did he hold a raffle for the shirt numbers or what? Jesus.

7th April '11 - I've decided a suitable replacement gaming experience to replace 'Mass Effect' would be 'Fallout 3', so from now on, I shall be devoting my free time to eeking out an existence in a post-apocolyptic nuclear landscape. Frankly, it's preferable to life at work right now...

6th April '11 - I've just had a look at the first fifteen minutes of HBO's upcoming 'Game of Thrones' (here) and I have to say that, despite my initial reservations, they seem to have pulled it off, so far at least. There's only a few characters in the early stages of the book, but later on in the battle sequeces, it's a cast of thousands. I hope their budget stretches to some decent crowd-building CGI. The last thing we need is another 'Sharpe' debacle, where old Sean Bean got to fight the same six French cavalrymen over and over again...

5th April '11 - I've just spent two days up at our training school and this time it was me getting trained. We've just aquired some new solid-state AVCHD video cameras which are, not to put too fine a point on it, the absolute tits. When I think back to doing video on high band U-matic back in my college days, I can only marvel at how I was able to waft the new camera around with my little finger. If I'd have tried to pick our old college machines up with one hand, I'd have fractured it.

4th April '11 - I was talking politics today. A mate of mine was bemoaning the Coalition 'cuts' and I pointed out that they didn't go far enough. He then accused me of being a Tory, wherupon I informed him that the one thing worse than a Tory was being a Labour voter. Predictably, he then asked if I was Lib Dem? Green? BNP? to ever-increasing sounds of derision. I eventually had to point him to this courtesy of his iPhone. Another one converted. Cheers, Leggy!

3rd April '11 - There must and shall be cider...

2nd April '11 - Newcastle 4 Wolves 1. Looks like we've rediscovered our traditional form with eight games to go. Ho hum.

1st April '11 - I thought it was an April Fool at first, but apparently Kate Bush really does have a new album out soon. Well, I say 'new', what's happened is that she has regained the rights to 'The Sensual World' and 'The Red Shoes' from EMI and is now remastering and remixing a selection of songs from them. The new album is entitled 'Director's Cut' and is out on May 16th. Interestingly, her new (own) record label is called 'Fish People'. Girl's got taste...

31st March '11 - Well, that's the 'Mass Effect' saga on hold until the final part of the trilogy is released this winter. Sadly, Kasumi and Jacob are now dead, but life's not all doom and gloom. I'm shagging Miranda and Kelly pops up to my quarters and pole-dances for me whenever I ask her. It's tough being a starship captain...

29th March '11 - As I sit here typing, the last chunk of downloadable content for 'Mass Effect 2' is quietly...erm...downloading in the background. 'The Arrival' is a Shepard-only mission and apparently takes things right up to a cliffhanger ending which will leave the story poised for 'Mass Effect 3' to complete the trilogy at the end of the year. Awesome. I'm going to enjoy this!

28th March '11 - You may remember the fun that I had last year reading the user reviews of the 'Three Wolf Moon' t-shirt over at Amazon's US site. Well, now we Brits have our very own Amazon phenomenon (try saying that after a couple of Tyskies). Folks, check out the love for the Paul Ross Box Canvas Print. Read the follow-ups for the 10" x 8" version, too. Priceless! (Well, two and a half grand at least...)

27th March '11 - Meanwhile in Japan...have a look at this. Paragraphs four and five show how the Kanto expressway looked five days after the earthquake (when the engineers arrived) and how it looked six fucking days later when they'd finished. Can you even imagine us Brits working at this sort of speed? We'd still be working out which companies to invite to tender for the bid to put the cones down...

26th March '11 - It was Boat Race day today. How the hell did that pass me by? Usually, I know when the Boat Race is coming up a couple of weeks in advance, as it always reminds me that the Grand National is on the following weekend, but this year it caught me completely by surprise. This is what happens when you make a conscious effort to stop watching television. Oh well, I'm sure I'll survive...

24th March '11 - Apparantly, MySpace is on it's last legs and the people running it genuinely can't fathom why. It's quite simple really. When it started, it was a fun social networking site based around one's taste in music. Then the music industry got involved. Now, it's a corporate marketing tool packed to the brim with adverts. Dull, patronising, and losing several million members a month. I jumped ship for Facebook two years ago (though my old page is still 'live'). Somehow, I don't see MySpace lasting the year out. Good. Put it out of its misery and learn from the experience. If something ain't broke, don't try and fix it!

23rd March '11 - The mantra of life these days would appear to be 'less for more', as we are charged ever-increasing amounts for ever-decreasing service. The latest bill came from my webhost today telling me that they're putting up the monthly fee; not by five or ten per cent, but by a third. A fucking third. It's ok though, because in order to offer me a better 'service', they'll be throwing in a free '.co.uk' address (bizarrely, some fucker has already bought the '.co.uk' version of this site - Christ knows why) and 1,000 free POP3 addresses (just fuck off, alright?) It's looking more and more likely that I will be morphing this site into something else in the very near future. Whether this means dropping to fewer pages or deleting some of the dross, I'm not sure. If the worst comes to the worst, I may even go the whole hog and start blogging. Bastards...

22nd March '11 - Matt Jarvis has just been called up for England. Terrific news! I can't remember the last time a Wolves player was chosen to represent his country, but I have the sad feeling it was probably Bully back in the 1990 World Cup. Before that, it was probably Billy Wright...

21st March '11 - According to various police 'blogs, the Metropolitan Police is having a hard time finding volunteers to police the big TUC demo this weekend. Like us other poor saps in the Public Sector, the Old Bill are now finding out that they're fair game for rafts of swingeing pay cuts too, as the country is skint and we have to balance the books/finance another pointless Middle East skirmish. I don't think we're quite at 1980 levels of unrest yet, but we ain't far off, and I for one will be very interested to see how things pan out. Public Sector 'good will' is gone, and when that includes the very people who volunteer to put themselves in harm's way to protect our politicians, then I reckon our MPs are about to get a very ugly lesson...

20th March '11 - Just got in from Brixton Academy (I refuse to call it the fucking 'O2') after seeing a great double-header. The Wonder Stuff were supporting and The Levellers were the main set (performing 'Levelling The Land' in its entirety.) Lots of lager, lots of jumping around and the chance to catch up with old friends. A really good night...

19th March '11 - Aston Villa 0 Wolves 1. I've said it before, but this season is just plain weird. Our first win at Villa since 1980 pulls in another very welcome three points, but we're still in the drop zone thanks draws for West Ham and the Scum, and a win for Wigan (against Birmingham, who are now looking decidedly shaky themselves.) Two points now seperate the bottom three and there is only ten points between bottom and eighth with eight games left. This is going right to the wire, folks!

18th March '11 - It's just occurred to me that I spent hundreds on a big plasma telly and Blu-Ray home cinema system back in January and the only things I've actually watched on it so far are the Director's Cut of 'Avatar' and an Arsenal match. Hmm...

17th March '11 - I'm currently absorbed in a game calle 'Duels of the Planeswalkers'. It's an online version of the card game 'Magic: The Gathering', which I used to play competitively fifteen years ago. Great fun, if a little limited, but it did cause me to have a slight 'WTF' moment this evening when I realised I was playing a virtual card game with virtual cards against a virtual opponent. Surreal.

16th March '11 - Today marked the day where, in a professional organisation, I'd've been presented with a letter informing me of my next posting and officially giving me twenty-eight days notice. Nothing. That's the first instance of 'Breach of Contract' and has been duly recorded. Next...

15th March '11 - Tickets for the London 2012 Olympics went on sale this morning, 500 days ahead of the start of the Games. Over the next six weeks, 6.6 million tickets will be up for grabs with prices ranging from £20 to £2012. I don't care, I won't be going. I haven't met anyone yet who will. No-one I either know or work with is the slightest bit interested in this colossal waste of taxpayer's money. Let's hope this ennui translates to the booking office. Fuck the Olympics...

14th March '11 - I had a casserole for dinner tonight. I guess that answers the question of whether my wife reads this site or not...

13th March '11 - Gentlemen, you will remember to remind your good ladies what tomorrow is, won't you? As its inventor, Tom Birdsey says: "March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so ladies finally have a day to show their man how much they love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th. It's like a perpetual love machine!" Hurrah! Now this is the sort of equality I think we can all get behind!

12th March '11 - News is coming in that British Forces have captured Colonel Gaddaffi and that they intend to put him somewhere where he'll never pose an attacking threat ever again...up front for Arsenal.
Ithankew. I'm here all week. Try the veal.

11th March '11 - Watching the jaw-dropping scenes from Japan today made me realise how grateful I am not to live anywhere near a major fault-line (not that that will help anyone when Yellowstone goes up.) Still, I have absolutely no doubt that, a year from now, the spirit, tenacity and national pride of the Japanese people will mean that there will be very little evidence that this disaster ever occurred. Had a similar thing occurred in Victorian Britain, the same would've been true of us. Nowadays though, we Brits will still have half the M6 coned off for resurfacing in 2012 and still be grumbing ineffectually about it. What a bunch of wankers we are...

10th March '11 - Just did all the sums for real, and next month when my shift allowance ends, I will be £212 worse off every month compared with the grade below me. This means I'll be up to my eyes in all this petty micro-management Muppetry for the love of it. Erm, no. No, I don't think so. Tomorrow, I will start drafting out a letter informing them of my intention to voluntarily downgrade. Less responsibility. More money. Yes, I'm looking forward to being a 'grunt' once more!

9th March '11 - ...And in the same vein obviously there's this. I mean, what sort of mate-cum-information-ish website would I be if I didn't tell you when the world's greatest living author came out with a new book after nearly seven years? Sheesh!

8th March'11 - Ok, I'm back. Now where was I? Oh yes, the first 'proper' trailer for 'Game Of Thrones' is up and can be found here. This deserves to be as popular as HBO's other big name adult dramas 'Deadwood' and 'Rome'. It starts on Sky on Sunday April 17th. Go for it!

4th March '11 - Mourning is a natural and timely break in our day-to-day routine that we all need to take when somebody close to us passes on. Right now, I find myself in the 'angry' part of the cycle. I have just seen John Prescott on the telly and cannot fathom the injustice of a fat oaf like that still being vertical and breathing while our Stevie is gone. It's all part of the grieving process, I guess...

   Thank you all for bearing with me through the last four weeks. I was genuinely humbled by the kind words you all sent; those of you who only know me through this site and those who *really* know me and got in touch through other means. Good people, one and all. Bless you.

   For now though, we move on. I know Steve enjoyed this site (the 'Homer' comments will remain) and he often gave me fuel for a rant or two, so it'll be very much 'business as usual' from now on. I have Rants, I have Captions. Stay tuned, people, I'm about to get this show back on the road once more...

On the 4th of February at around 22:30, my brother-in-law, Steve Cutler, was returning from his Thursday night jamming session with his band 'The Picture' and was in sight of home when unusually high winds brought a tree down on his car as he passed beneath it, killing him instantly.

Steve was fifty-one.

Steve was never a 'brother-in-law' to me; he was my bestest mate, my dearest friend; he was 'Homer', my drinking buddy. He was everything I could ever have wanted in a big brother and so much more....

Steve Cutler brought joy to everyone who ever spent time with him. He was one of those rare people so utterly content with their lot in life that they radiate that contentment; instantly putting people at their ease. He was great company, always up for a laugh and generally one of life's good guys.

I miss him so much right now that remembering all the fun and good times we shared is almost beyond me for the moment - these damned tears - but remember him I shall, and in doing so will keep his memory alive in my heart for as long as I live.

A beacon of light and warmth has been extinguished and this sorry world is much the poorer for it.

Ta-ta, Mon-keh.  I will never forget you...

Fish x


                             Steve Cutler 1959 - 2011

3rd February '11 - Couldn't be arsed to listen to the match, but I obviously didn't miss anything as it finished Bolton 1 Wolves 0. This means we're now two points adrift at the bottom of the table. Never mind, it could've been worse. I could've stayed up listening to this load of bollocks and missed an extra hour of sleep....

2nd February '11 - Today illustrated nicely the difference between my grade and the senior management. While they have all day meetings, I went out and had three seperate meetings of my own (and took minutes for one of them) as well as doing two jobs that my team would normally have gone out to, seeing as I was in the area anyway. All this for plain pay too, as my guv'nor forgot to stick my overtime in again...

1st February '11 - February again. Time to buy shares in Interflora.

31st January '11 - This analogy is doing the rounds a lot right now, but just in case you haven't heard it, here goes: Did you realise that the amount of money the UK government is borrowing this year, if stacked in £1 coins, would reach to the Moon and still leave you enough change to go round the world almost three times? Impressive, eh? Still, if it keeps just one extra Somalian in coffee, Silk Cut and thirty degree warmth in the flats at the bottom of my road, it'll all be worthwhile...

30th January '11 - I think I'm depressed, can you believe that? It's work again tomorrow, and for the first time in twenty years, I don't want to go. None of the horse-shit they come out with seems to elicit a reaction anymore. I don't feel like having a sweary shout in the office and I don't feel like ranting on here. All that's left is a numbness; a quiet resignation that nobody in charge either knows what they're doing or gives a flying fuck about professionalism in my line of work anymore, and I no longer have the fight left in me to argue the toss with them. It's time to get out...

29th January '11 - It's Saturday once more, and time for the football. I wonder what Andy Gray will be doing instead this weekend? Lots of people have commented on the whole 'sexism in football' furore, but by far the best opinion has to be the one I read from Angry Exile here. People vicariously taking offence on behalf of others really annoy me. I hope Sian Massey finds the 'whistleblower' and sues them for loss of earnings. That'd teach the righteous little prick...

28th January '11 - Normally, Friday means a bottle of wine and an evening of gaming in front of the computer. Right now though, I feel like shit, so it's an early night with some hot lemonade and some paracetomol. Yay for hedonism.

27th January '11 - I found a flyer all about meditation on the tube this evening and decided to try out the five step programme whilst making my way from Bank to Tooting Bec. I fell asleep. In fact, now I come to think of it, every time I've tried meditating over the years, I've nodded off. Is that what's supposed to happen? It said on the leaflet that a quick twenty minutes worth of meditation can leave you feeling refreshed and ready to carry on with your day. Well yes, but so can a nap. I might have to try this at work. Having a kip at your desk is a disciplinary offence, but if I tell them I'm meditating I bet I can swing it. All I need to do is practice falling asleep sitting up with my legs crossed and I'll be able to dramatically improve my working day. Now I just have to invest in a Buddha and some pictures of Lotus flowers. ..

26th January '11 - Two whole days gone, just like that.  After working the weekend, I had my usual two 'rest days' and spent the entire time playing 'Mass Effect 2'. I've not been so pulled into a game like this since 'Oblivion'. Better written than 99% of Hollywood stuff andutterly engrossing fro its action sequences to its moral dilemmas. Most of you are reading this and thinking 'Yeah, yeah. Sad PC gaming fanboy.' The game has just been released for the PS3 this week. Try it yourself and see if I'm exaggerating.

23rd January '11 - This has surely got to be the best year ever to be a PC gamer. 'Dead Space 2' has just hit the shelves, and the awesome-looking 'Shogun 2: Total War' follows in March. 'Mass Effect 3' is out later this year, as is 'Dragon Age 2', 'Grand Theft Auto 5', 'Deus Ex 3', 'Witcher 2' and not forgetting 'Elder Scrolls 5' (oh boy, more from the 'Oblivion' boys!) It's a shame I've just bankrupted myself buying a Blu-ray home cinema system, as I'm never going to have any time to watch the damn thing...

22nd January '11 - Wolves 0 Liverpool 3. Back into the drop zone once more. To be honest, I don't know why I carry on commenting on Wolves anymore. This season is by far the weirdest one I can ever remember. No consistency (we're not even consistently shite anymore), and no rhyme nor reason to our playing. It's almost like Mick McCarthy is tossing a coin before kick-off. "Right lads, heads we give them a game, tails we play bollocks". No idea if we'll finish bottom, fifteenth or somewhere in between. It's in the lap of the gods now...

21st January '11 - Things are really moving now over at HBO's 'Game Of Thrones'. Those of you with Sky are in for one hell of a treat in April. Me, I'll wait for the Blu-ray box set. I've already read the books nine times. I know what's coming, but you...heh heh heh. You're really gonna love this!

20th January '11 - The mornings are getting lighter. Wretched, isn't it?

19th January '11 - Finished the awesome 'Mass Effect' last night and went stright into 'Mass Effect 2'. Even before the starting credits had rolled, my ship had been utterly destroyed in cinematic fashion and I had died from lack of oxygen in the inky blackness of space before my corpse burned up on re-entry and landed in a charred husk on the planet below. I must admit, as a starting point it got my attention. Still, after that, things can only get better...

18th January '11 - Wolves 5 Doncaster 0. Ok, so it was an FA Cup tie against a Fizzy Pop side, but credit where it's due. I can't remember the last time we scored five against anyone. I'm just worried we've used up our goal allocation for the next calender month in one go here. Now if only we can do the same against Liverpool on Saturday...

17th January '11 - Labour voter? Have a look at this. You did this. Cunt.

16th January '11 - Sorry about that. I've been rather engrossed playing 'Mass Effect' while I've been off on Rest Days. Sci-fi games are usually dire, which is why I've given this one a wide berth for the past couple of years. Oh, how wrong I was. This is amazing. Great story, great gameplay and awesome voice-acting.  If only all games were this good...

14th January '11 - Woke up this morning to the unsurprising news that the dole-scrounging scum of Oldham have voted Labour back in with a majority of over 4,000. I bet all the tracksuit clad vermin are breathing a sigh of relief right now, safe in the knowledge that they can carry on sucking the state teat and watching Jeremy Kyle for a few more years. Overall, Labour are now seven points ahead in the polls. Who are they asking, and where the fuck were they for the last fourteen years?

13th January '11 - I have just watched 'Inception' again. The first time I saw it was as a download on my laptop while travelling on the train. I thouight it was a very good film. So good, I bought it on Blu-ray. I've just finished watching it again on my new 42" plasma / home cinema system (yes, sometimes people who do have a job buy these - they just have to save up) and, after a second viewing, I don't think it's 'very good' anymore. It's absolutely astonishing.

12th January '11 - Two rest days once more. I shall be doing something worthwhile and constructive with my free time. Flying the 'Normandy' round the southern spiral arm of the galaxy looking for Geth to exterminate. Lovely.

11th January '11 - Finally finished the 2011 shift patterns today. I plotted out all four teams and took them up to the end of the year. I then cross-referenced everyone's existing annual leave requests and circulated them to all the troops. Ten minutes later, I found out that one member of the team would be moving to another department and two others had applied for a career break. I give up. Less than a week after the latest episode in my leadership programme, I get presented with a prime example of the lack of communication within our organisation. Bleh!

10th January '11 - Back to the ritual of up at half four, two buses to work and a nice coffee at Liverpool Street Station in between. Except for the coffee part. You see, my skinny vanilla latte has apparently gone up from £2.30 to £2.75 because of the VAT increase. Now, I'm sure there are some idiots somewhere that would've fallen for that and simply shrugged and paid up. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. VAT went up from 17.5% to 20%; a 2.5% jump. 2.5% on top of £2.30 is five and three quarter pence, not forty-five pence. What they're actually charging now amounts to an increase of nearly 20%. Sorry, but that puts my morning treat firmly into the 'shove it up your fucking arse' territory. Time for a flask...

8th January '11 - Just finished the eighth and final season of '24'. After a few average days from Jack Bauer and one frankly shite one (looking at you, Season Three), I can honestly say that old Kiefer bowed out on a high. Easily the best '24' yet, and with an ending that works a treat. Sad to see this programme end...

7th January '11 - Another two-day module of my ongoing 'Leadership Development' course. I was highly amused at yesterday's opener, when one of my colleagues questioned the relevance of training forensic professionals in the finer points of personal profiling and conflict resolution in the workplace environment, given the fact that we spend most of our time working alone in a paper oversuit. "But, you're the Senior Management of the future!", came the reply. Laugh? I nearly passed my fags round...

6th January '11 - Wolves 1 Chelsea 0. I wasn't going to do this again. I'd given up on them. In fact, I spent last night watching Jack Bauer feed a Russian hitman his own entrails, so waking up this morning to find that we'd taken three points off the double winners has taken my breath away. Not a Chelsea 'B' team either, they had Drogba, Lampard, Terry, Anelka and Cole playing! Lose to Wigan, beat Liverpool, lose to West Ham, beat Chelsea. Bottom of the table on Saturday, out of the drop-zone today. What the hell is going on? Man City next. Should be a doddle!

5th January '11 - I think Dixons got my order wrong. I distinctly remember ordering a large plasma television. From the size of the box in the living room, they appeare to have brought me an absolutely bleeding enormous plasma television by mistake. I simply haven't got the room, something will have to go. Hmm...wife or daughter?

4th January '11 - ...and here I sit at ten past five, typing away with fingers numb from lack of sleep and the sudden caffeine rush. Today will be my first day at work since December 19th. I rarely take that much annual leave in one go and I am genuinely concerned about how today is going to pan out, because right now, I'm finding it really, really hard to give a toss about any of the stuff that had piled up around me in the weeks before Christmas. I jokingly made a resolution on last year's quotes list (we collect these at my place; it's the last vestige of morale) not to waste my precious time communicating with any arseholes, but I might have to put that into practice for 2011. Keep me covered, I'm going in...

3rd January '11 - The most depressing thing about waking up this morning at nine o' clock was the crushing knowledge that, for the foreseeable future, I'll be getting up at half four again. Grim.

2nd January '11 - The VAT goes up on Tuesday, so today was spent organising a new telly seeing as ours is nine years old and on its way out. Now, as you all know, I rarely watch telly, but I do love my box sets and movies, so after deciding it made no difference being hung for a sheep as for a lamb, I went for a complete Blu-ray home cinema package, too. I am now so very, very skint...

1st January '11 - West Ham 2 Wolves 0. Absolutely appalling. Bottom of the table and rightly so on a performance like that. I'm sorry, but any team that can't get at least one in the back of the net after ten corners and ten clear shots on goal deserves another few seasons in the Championship. Offload McCarthy, offload half a dozen of his shit purchases, get Chris Hughton in and start again. Otherwise we'll be another Southampton by 2012.

New Year's Eve - Ridiculously, I followed Samboway's sage advice and finally started playing 'Mass Effect'. That was at nine o'clock last night. Next time I checked, it was getting light. It's mid afternoon now and I'm up, showered and about to dive back in. I am Commander Shepard and I am one mean badass!

30th December '10 - Liverpool 0 Wolves 1. Ok, so it was last night's game, but I was so disinterested after Sunday's performance that I simply didn't bother tuning in for this one. Unbelievable. The first time we've won at Anfield in twenty-seven years. And Ward man of the match, too. We have bottom team West Ham away on Saturday. If we can get three points there, I might...MIGHT...rethink my position on a certain Mr. McCarthy.

29th December '10 - Bollocks. Back to fucking London...

28th December '10 - Finally, the snow washed away enough for us to have a look at the sales. Wolverhampton town centre was less busy than I've seen it on a typical Saturday, and as far as bargain-hunting was concerned, forget it. HMV flogging a fifteen quid CD for eight quid is all well and good, but since I download my albums for a dollar and a bit, it's not going to tempt me too much, is it? In terms of 'busy', there was only one shop I saw that had people queueing up in and that was Costa Coffee. It's going to be a grim year for retail, especially with 20% VAT coming in next week...

27th December '10 - Thank God for this Alienware laptop. Apart from the Doctor Who Christmas special (slightly less awful than previous years), I've not watched one jot of Yuletide telly. Instead, I've been plundering the Spanish Main playing Sid Meier's 'Pirates!' again for the first time in years. Yes, it's a revamp of a game that's a decade and a half old, but given a choice between that and an evening with Bruce twunting Forsyth, then, quite frankly, "Yo ho ho!"

Boxing Day '10 - Wolves 1 Wigan 2. Behind again in ten minutes and dead and buried by half time. That McCarthy prat is still insisting that we'd be lower mid-table if we could string three wins together. He may be right, but since the clowns he bought can barely string three passes together, I'm not going to hold my breath. Bottom of the table now, with an away trip to Anfield on Wednesday. Awful.

Christmas Eve '10 - Terrific. I'm shivering, I ache all over and my head's spinning. It's only half seven, but I'm off to bed with some paracetomol, codeine and hot lemonade. Gotta try and head this bastard off at the pass, there's some serious eating and drinking to be done over the next few days! Have a wonderful time, one and all. The site will resume after Boxing Day...

23rd December '10 - One thing I always miss at this time of year is not hearing Gary Glitter belting out 'Another Rock & Roll Christmas' like he did in days of yore. In fact, now I come to think of it, I haven't heard any Gary Glitter song in years. As a Libertarian, I have issues with society decreeing that the works of known paedophiles should be surpressed forevermore, not least of which being the fact that the rules don't seem to be applied fairly. If sad old Gary's works are no longer fit for public consumption on account of them being written by a kiddy-fiddler, then how about we start pulling all the Qur'ans off the bookshelves too for exactly the same fucking reason? Fair's fair. Or rather, it isn't...

22nd December '10 - And here I am, the proud owner of a shiny new Windows 7 phone, an HTC Mozart. As far as I can make out, it does everything an iPhone does, except it can play Flash and the apps are free. Merry Christmas, Mr. Jobs!

21st December '10 - A joyous day! A momentous day! After eighteen months on contract with this God-awful Nokia N85, I can finally chop the bastard in for a newer model with more impressive features, such as the ability to hold a charge for more than a day, the ability to remember numbers and store photos instead of deleting them randomly, and most importantly, the ability to not perform a full factory reset every time the bloody battery goes completely flat. I think it's fair to say I won't miss this piece of crap one iota, though I'd happily take it over an Apple product any day out of sheer bloody-mindedness.

20th December '10 - Ventured out for the first time in two days and had a lovely walk down to the dentist in my huge, clumpy cyberboots. Four inches of snow? We laugh at such trivialities! Got there and had my check-up and - oh noes! - found out I needed a filling. As his appointments book was somewhat lacking due to the weather, the sly old git did the work there and then. Hey presto! A mouth full of numbness for me and a fist full of notes for him. Merry Christmas, Robin...

19th December '10 - The Wolves vs. Scum match has been postponed due to the weather. I can't decide whether this is a shame or a lucky escape...

18th December '10 - Facebook is full of love and concern for Sam over what happened last night, even from people who don't know him. Nice. I've sent a couple of paragraphs to the people in charge of the venue telling them exactly what I think of them and their 'security' policy, too. Not that it'll help, of course. There's no accountability in this country anymore. The best we can hope for is Sam spotting the piece of shit in the Fox next time we're out. There are a few of us who would be more than happy to follow this bloke home and read him his horoscope...

17th December '10 - Hatebreed, Garage, Islington. I'm absolutely glowing with anger typing this. I went to this gig with my mate Sam and we agreed a game-plan. What we were going to do was to hit the mosh-pit for the first song, then pull back and drink ale by the bar for the remainder. Great plan, I'm sure you'll agree. What actually happened was that we got seperated in that first mosh and Sam got FUCKING MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT for his phone and wallet. In the middle of the Garage, too. What the hell's going on? Metalheads DO NOT do this sort of thing to their own. I've never heard of anything like this happening in rock venues in the twenty-five years I've been hitting them. I want to hurt someone over this...

15th December '10 - I'm posting early for a change, as tonight is my Christmas 'do' - the proper one at Porters in Covent Garden; all pie and ale and no dance music, thank the Lord. In honour of the event, I've finally sorted my mangy head out, as I was starting to look like a diseased teddy bear. Now, I have a lovely grade one, though I've decided to keep the full beard, lending me an overall 'Happy Shopper Charles Bronson' sort of air. Excellent. I must remember to dig out my John Lennon glasses before I leave the house. Laters...

14th December '10 - My red and white Santa hat is going down a storm on the Underground, especially when I get off at Mile End station. Every little black-clad pillarbox lady I pass, I wish a hearty 'Merry Christmas' to. I know they appreciate my friendly gesture, and I generally leave the station with cries of 'Die Kaffir dog!" ringing up the stairs behind me, which, as everybody knows, means "and a Happy New Year!" in several Islamic tongues...

13th December '10 - You can tell I've only got three working days left before my Christmas break, I'm starting to feel ill. Bastard typical.

12th December '10 - Wolves 1 Birmingham 0. No, no, no. I don't want you to turn it around, McCarthy, I want you to piss off. This three points keep us one off the bottom. Perhaps if you can turn over them stripey twats up the road next Sunday, I may consider lifting the fatwa, but until then, just remember - both Chris Hughton and Sam Allardyce are looking for new clubs. Clock's ticking, monkeyboy...

11th December '10 - What an eye-opener. Last night was the first of this year's Christmas 'do's', and we hit this place - my first visit to a nightclub in God-knows-how-many years. I couldn't stand places like this in my twenties, and I fucking abhor them now. Ten minutes surrounded by a sea of push-up bras and magic knickers was enough to convince us to piss off and find a pub for an hour before the meal was due. However, when we did actually return and eat, the food was surprisingly good. I still couldn't bring myself to stay for the cattle-market 'disco' afterwards, though. Thank God I'm married!

10th December '10 - Can somebody please furnish the BBC with a dictionary? Only they seem to be a bit confused when labelling rioting students as 'anarchists'. So their anarchic sympathies are such that they demand the state subsidise their education, is that it? Puh-lease. These unwashed little middle-class shitbags are not 'anarchists', they're communists by definition and Marxists by choice. Learn the difference, eh?

9th December '10 - Last day (or rather, night) of the course, and we were out and about in the dark doing night photography. For those of you who've never had a go at photographing a black car in total darkness on a freezing cold night, all I can say is you haven't bloody lived!

8th December '10 - First trailer for the upcoming Thor movie. I can't decide whether this looks utterly brilliant or whether it's the campest pile of bollocks since Flash Gordon...

7th December '10 - Just watch this. I seriously cannot wait for April!

6th December '10 - I'm up at our training school this week taking five of our technicians through a professional photography course, and it's an absolute privilege to be with these people. they're committed, technically competent and very hard-working. Gonna have to keep on top of my game with kids like this waiting in the wings!

5th December '10 - The snow's pretty much all gone now. Boo!

4th December '10 - Blackburn 3 Wolves 0. How much longer are we going to give this muppet before the penny drops? Lovely little Irish Ward playing - again. Lovely little Irish Doyle playing - again. McCarthy's bestest, bestest little irish pals getting game after game in positions they're simply shite in, just because they're Mick's bestest, bestest little Irish pals. Come on Steve Morgan, get this clueless idiot out now. Curbishley's not doing anything right now, neither is Martin O'Neill. Get one of them in and get shot of Ward, Mouyokolo, Foley and the big money jokes Doyle and Fletcher. Otherwise, we're in for another few years of Chumpionship play-off scrapping. Dreadful...

3rd December '10 - The first wave of the Christmas treats arrived today. Some nice bottled beers and some seriously spicy snacks courtesy of these chaps. Free delivery right now on orders over thirty quid, too. Awesome.

2nd December '10 - Well, the girls have decorated once more and Fish Towers is resplendant in all its Christmas glory. Maybe this will be the year when I actually feel a bit Christmassy once more. The last time was 1980.

1st December '10 - It looks like we could possibly be in for a proper Christmas. It's minus two outside and there's four inches of global warming on the ground. This is what December ought to be like every year!

30th November '10 - It was truly gratifying to see the payslips arrive today, as my boss didn't get my form in on time last month and I picked up plain pay. Again. Still, all is right with the world and I finally have some wedge in my wallet again. Pity I have to throw it at Christmas. Ah well, never mind. It's only money...

29th November '10 - Oho! England hit 517-1 to draw the first Ashes Test. Unexpected, but very gratifying. Even better, Cook's 235 not out was the sixth best Ashes score ever by an Englishman surpassing Sir Don Bradman's highest Test score at the Gabba. That's got to hurt!

28th November '10 - Did anyone ask you if you wanted to give £300 of your own money to help bail out Ireland? No, me neither. Time and again, this government - like its predecessor - is dipping its hand in the big bag of public cash and hurling it hand over fist at people who have no right to it.
  Once more for the hard of thinking - IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING MONEY!

27th November '10 - Wolves 3 Sunderland 2. Oh come on, Mick! Just when I finally extinguish all hope, you go and drag another three points out of the nag. Does this mean this particular 'numpty' will be changing his mind about you? No, sorry. You may carry on being with this new found tactical wixardry and salvage a few more points, but pretty soon the temptation to play people out of their positions and give starts to your specialist, bestest pals like Ward will prove too much. You gotta go, fella...

26th November '10 - I had to dig my gloves out of the drawer this morning due to this particularly vicious snap of global warming we're having...

25th November '10 - Work stuff again, sorry. You may remember a couple of months back, the 'coach' assigned to me by the development programme I was forced on recommended that I write direct to the Director my ideas for the future of our unit. Well, it kind of morphed from that, and at the end of the week, I will be sending him a twelve page report, complete with diagrams, comments and recommendations. Basically, every frustration I've felt for the last six years about the senior management not knowing what they want from us because they don't know what we actually do is addressed and suggestions for improvement made. I doubt he'll give it more than a cursory glane, but that's not the point. The point is, once I've sent it, I can be at peace. See, I know what's wrong, I've offered some ideas on how to fix it based on the skills and experience that his unit have paid for over the years, so if he ignores it, well, I at least I know I tried and can move on with a clear conscience...

24th November '10 - A chat with one of the Development Team at work today revealed their plan to get me out and about paying surprise visits to my staff while they're out working and observing them while they go about their job. Then, the idea is that I mark my observations on a clipboard and afterwards, discuss the 'service' they offered with the customer. I'm looking forward to this when it comes to the mortuary visits...

23rd November '10 - From where I live to our work's base in North East London is twenty-five stops on the Northern Line. A fifty stop round trip. Fifty stops with your face pushed into the armpit of some sweaty suit or crushed against some orange-faced temp who smells like the perfume counter of Harrods. If they ever post me here permanently, I'm leaving...

22nd November '10 - It seems to me that there are two types of television owner. The first will look in the paper and see what's on that evening and find a programme of interest at eight. At five to eight, the telly goes on. It goes off again when the programme is finished. The second type of television owner turns the telly on the minute they get home from work (or, more frequently, the minute they get up - about midday) and leaves the thing burbling away until the wee small hours, regardless of whether or not anyone's waching or even in the room. One of these television owners is a reasonable human being, the other a mong. Can you spot which is which?

21st November '10 - My daughter is seven years old today. Seven. I really wish this crazy rollercoaster called life would slow down a little bit...

20th November '10 - Blackpool 2 Wolves 1. Enough now. McCarthy out.

19th November '10 - I couldn't give a flying fuck about 'Children In Need' and the usual excruciating BBC lefty fuckers parading themselves on the telly for an entire evening's broadcast. Thanks to thirteen years of Fabian Socialism, my children and your children - and their fucking children - will be paying off the debt that New Labour created while they were 'running' the country. Don't ever rattle a Pudsey Bear charity tin in front of my face or you might find yourself eating it...

18th November '10 - If you didn't catch Duncan Jones's debut movie 'Moon' last year, you missed a treat. For a small indie film, it was a big success, so the Hollywood big boys decided to give him a budget and see what he could do with it. He's done this. 'Quantum Leap' meets 'Groundhog Day' via '12 Monkeys'. Fuck, I'm sold!

17th November '10 - I didn't get to see the Director yesterday, as we ran out of staff so I had to go out and do a job myself. There was a 'sorry I missed you' note on my desk when I got back. I think I'm in trouble...

16th November '10 - I'm dreading today. Normally, at my lowly level, I only get to see our Director about twice a year, but today he's coming to our place to talk to the management about how we're implementing the company's new five word buzz-phrase. Normally, this wouldn't affect the day-to-day running of my little unit one iota, but today there'll only be two 'managers' in the building and I'm one of them. So I'm resigning myself to a morning of chat instead of doing my usual trick of trying to juggle a shift pattern designed for thirty-two operational staff with only twenty-seven match-fit players. I really don't know what I'm going to say to this man. He may be on a six-figure salary and he may make every single decision that affects me and my team, but he's so far removed from the actual work we do, it's bewildering. It's like General Haig visiting the Western Front in 1916 to talk to the troops about how important the pretty poppies are. Fortunately, for the real soldiers in WWI, Haig never went to the front. No such look for me. Oh well, shoulders back, chest out, remove sarcasm chip and...charge!

15th November '10 - Another week begins and, though I love this time of year, the travelling is a bit of a grind. I leave the house in the dark, I catch the bus in the dark, I get to work in the dawn. Nine hours later, I leave work in the dusk, I catch the bus in the dusk, I get home in the dark. Some people would see this as justification for adding two hours to British Summer Time and keeping it all year long. I see it as justification for leaving GMT alone and merely dealing with it. It's winter, for fuck's sake.

14th November '10 - The only problem with Sundays is that you can't really relax and enjoy them as much as you should, because in the back of your mind you're brutally aware that it's Monday tomorrow...

13th November '10 - Wolves 2 Bolton 3. Three-nil down at one point, too. I said earlier that you couldn't judge Wolves by their failures against the big boys, but, sadly, you can judge them by their performances against teams like Bolton and the fact is, we were second-best all the way. Only one goal difference keeps us off the bottom now and unless we win the next three games against Blackpool, Sunderland and Blackburn, Mick McCarthy will be gone and we will be down by Christmas...

12th November '10 - I thought it was amusing yesterday watching the police stand around letting those fuckwit students smash the shit out of Millbank. The boys in blue got a right kicking from the lefty press after the way they handled G20, so this time it was a case of "ok, now we'll try it your way!" Funny. Not so funny was this comment from some twisted-twelfth century beard called Abu Ubaidah of 'Muslims Against Crusades', who statemed "The general British public show their support of the murdering of Muslims by wearing the poppy. The two minute silence for the soldiers is a condemnable event and the wearing of the poppy is symbolic of the war against Islam and Muslims which needs to be condemned." He then went on to set fire to a large, symbolic poppy just as the rest of us observed the two minute silence. I wish I'd known beforehand just how much wearing a poppy upset cunts like this. Next year, I plan to wear two dozen of them as a fucking daisy chain...

11th November '10 - I faithfully observed the two minutes silence this morning. Partly because I passionately believe in remembering the sacrifice made by those poor bastards on July 1st 1916, but mostly because everyone else was out and I was the only bugger left in the office.

10th November '10 - Wolves 0 Arsenal 2. Tired of the old 'let them get one just before the break' routine, Mick McCarthy opts for a new approach - 'stand there and watch them score from the kick-off'. Jesus. Alright, it's over now. The big boys are out of the way for a bit. Can we at least try and take a point off Bolton on Saturday?

9th November '10 - Up early again, even though I've had a couple of hours off work for blood tests this morning. When I booked the time yesterday, I forgot all about Tuesdays being ante-natal day at the local hospital, meaning I'll be surrounded by dozens of Islamist zeppelins all jabbering away and trying to keep their offspring under control. Meanwhile, I'll sit quietly and try to wish myslf elsewhere until my number comes up. I've done this before and trust me, it's like being the only seagull on a penguin colony...

8th November '10 - Today celebrates forty years of The Goodies. Criminally under-appreciated compared to Python and The Goons, these boys introduced silliness and anarchy into my pre-teen head and made me believe that you could a grown-up and still do whatever you damn well pleased and have fun doing so. They also saved us from an invasion of Rolf Harrises, which can only be a good thing. Cheers, lads. Forty years, eh? Ecky thump!

7th November '10 - What's going on? We play with fire and spirit and still lose to Man Utd, yet Newcastle manage to turn over Arsenal away and Liverpool nick three points off Chelsea? I hope the Gooners play like that when we've got them on Wednesday night, but you can guarantee they won't. Luck. Just a little bit of luck, that's all we need...

6th November '10 - Man Utd 2 Wolves 1. For a little while there, I was convinced Mick McCarthy and the lads were about to give me a nice birthday present with a point off Sir Alex's overpaid chancers, but, alas, it was not to be. Like oh-so-many Wolves games, we conceded just before half time, came back strong and equalised, only to fall asleep in injury time and lose. The only difference today was the way we played. Brilliant. Fought for everything and had spirit and strength in spades. Apart from one weak link, McCarthy is looking at his strongest team. The weak link though is Ward, who is one of Mick's favourites. Lose him and give Van Damme a regular start and we will stay up - no question.

5th November '10 - Yeah, yeah...'V For Vendetta' time again, but that can wait for a minute. See, I've just discovered that two of my all-time favourite songs of the Late Seventies and Early Eighties are connected and it's freaking me out! Check out this. You all know this, right? Ok, Now try this. Unless you're a complete hermit, this will be familiar, too. The connection? Read. Wow! A fucking Professor?!? Instantly, Kate Bush is not the greatest female keyboard musician of the Eighties. Food for thought...

4th November '10 - The journalists as BBC News are apparently starting a forty-eight hour strike tomorrow. Does this mean we'll have two days of actual news bulletins without the Left-wing bias for a change?

3rd November '10 - I am so very tired these days and it's starting to worry me. Is there something wrong with me that I'm not aware of? Or could it be the fact that I've been having to get up at half past twunting four every morning for the last six months while for the last two there've been night-time roadworks going on outside my house?

2nd November '10 - I had five seperate 'achievements' awarded whilst playing 'Left 4 Dead 2' this evening. This, as it happens, was the most productive thing I did with today...

1st November '10 - White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits. Where did this particular touchstone come from? Am I the only one who feels the compunction to utter 'white rabbits' out loud three times as soon as I open my eyes on the first of any month? I am? Oh. I'll get my coat...

Hallowe'en '10 - Came home from work to find the house festooned (there's a top word!) with Hallowe'en decorations and two mischievous witches prancing about in the kitchen. This tawdry American 'holiday' didn't exist in this coountry when I was a kid. It's cheap, tacky and exists solely to sell chocolate and fancy dress out fits, but you know what? I love it!

Devil's Night '10 - Wolves 2 Man City 1. Typical Wolves. Just when I finally write them off, this happens. An absolutely different side turn up, play with heart and spirit and grab three points. How's this happen? Well for a start, Mick McCarthy finally gave Nened Millijas a game and at a stoke the midfield is transformed. Jarvis was astounding as usual - shit, the boy can run! I hope we can hold onto him in January. Man United up next and if they play like they did the other night and we play like this, then a point is not an unreasonable expectation. You've earned your reprieve, Mick. keep it up...

29th October '10 - It's midnight. I had actually been asleep for almost two hours, since I have to be up at half four in the morning, but now - trust me - I'm fully awake. Why? Well, it's all down to this chap. And his mate. See, although they've spent the last two months re-laying my road, I'd always (naively) assumed that all the work would be carried out in daylight hours. Wrong. Apparently, they're now doing the final surfacing work at night to 'minimise disturbance' to the local community. Well, that's nice to know, isn't it? Strange, but I don't seem to recall anyone asking me, the immediate local 'community' if I fancied tackling a ten hour shift on four hour's bastard kip. Funny, that...

28th October '10 - Weird. See, I know five years ago I had to have a molar yanked out because of fractured root-canal work, but today, idly flicking my tongue around the roof of my mouth, I was slightly alarmed to discover there's no gap. Two things here: firstly, how amazing that I've obviously grown a wisdom tooth I didn't know about that has slowly pushed itself up and caused the two teeth in front to realign themselves and secondly, how scary that it's taken me five bloody years to notice.

26th October '10 - Man Utd 3 Wolves 2. Apart from a dead first half and the unusually spirited Wolves performance in the second is anyone really surprised by this result? All mouth and very little in the trousers department from McCarthy's selection yet again. Jarvis was worth his payslip, as was Elokobi but don't forget this was Manchester's second team. Never mind, we've got their mates down the road on Saturday, followed by these red fuckers again the following one. My birthday, too. Lovely.

25th October '10 - Sony have today retired the 'Walkman' brand. Kind of a sad moment for me, and, I suspect, many teenagers of the Eighties. Mp3 players are fantastic, it's true, but I pity a generation of kids who've never known the joy of lugging half a dozen compilation tapes and a handful of AA batteries around, not to mention a pencil for some hasty slack-takeups. I still have my tiny little Sony thing from my college days; one of the first rechargeable models they did. Catching four buses every day to Wednesbury and back was a bit grim, but thanks to my Walkman, I got a headful of Ozzy Osbourne, Helloween or Metallica. Some songs I only have to hear now and I'm instantly transported back in time to the top deck of the number 79 out of Wolverhampton Bus Station. End of an era...

24th October '10 - Spent the day reading a shed-load of Batman comics I'd downloaded from BitTorrent and was saving for a rainy day (ie, when I was very bored). Never having been a reader of Batman (or indeed DC Comics in general), I have to say the mythology was a bit confusing at first. Robin's still there, only he's the third Robin (the Joker killed the second one, but as he was called 'Jason', it probably came as a blessing.) The first Robin - 'Dick' - is now called Nightwing and lives in another city north of Gotham called Bludhaven. I'd just absorbed this when the writers decided to flatten Gotham in an earthquake and have the US seal it off and declare it 'No Man's Land'. I have to admit, I'm halfway through this particular storyline and it rocks. Can't say I care for this Azrael character, though. Kind of like a pissed off, moody Thor dressing up as Spawn. Hope he gets offed...

23rd October '10 - Chelsea 2 Wolves 0. Personally, I thought we were lucky to get nil. Another 'five-minutes-from-time' double substitution from McCarthy, too. What was the bloody point of that, Mick? Really gives them enough time to settle and have a go, doesn't it? Sorry, chief, you gotta go.

22nd October '10 - More details are emerging with regard to the budget cuts. Not only has Foreign Aid been 'ring-fenced' (see L.C.D. UK for my thoughts on foreign aid), it is actually being increased from nearly eight billion to eleven and a half. Like I said, it's not as if this money is just sitting there waiting to be doled out, we are borrowing it to give away! It has been estimated that every family in Britain will be giving the equivalent of £500 to the foreign aid pot. So now you know the numbers involved, I trust I can count on you to do the right thing when those self-satisfied twats turn up rattling the tim for 'Children In Need' next month.

21st October '10 - I'm getting tired of being told by the media that I can't say this or that in case it offends some minority or other, as if people have some sort of right not to be offended. They don't. This is still a free country (just) and I will say whatever the hell I like. If you choose to take offence; hey, you have the right to do so! Just piss off and do it quietly...

20th October '10 - All I've done for the last two days is sod about on my computer. Right now it's early afternoon and I'm eating a small Sloppy Guiseppe pizza, chugging an ice-cold bottle of Perroni and playing 'Left 4 Dead 2' online. It's fair to say I'm enjoying my break. I still have another few days of this, too. The only thing that brings me down is the thought that there are tens of thousands of scrounging bastards who've been doing this day in, day out for years while I've been paying 40% income tax to fucking let them. Still, I'm not going to let that ruin my quality time. Pass me that shotgun, I'm going back in...

18th October '10 - I have a week off. Usually when I book some leave, it's because I'm going somewhere or have a hospital appointment, but this time I'm simply having a week off to recharge my batteries. Six months of getting up at half past four every morning can't be good, which is why I was able to turn the alarm off today and wake up naturally...at five o'clock. Balls. Still, as soon as I've updated this here entry, I'm taking the paper and going back to bed again. I will force my body to relax this week if it kills me.

17th October '10 - Today, I had a lie in until 10. Then I got up, pootled about for a bit, then gave the whole thing up as a bad job and went back to my pit. Some days just aren't worth the effort...

16th October '10 - Wolves 1 West Ham 1. Pitiful. I never thought I'd say this, but it's time Mick McCarthy went. Another poor performance against a team that are as bad as us. West Ham could even have nicked it right at the end as they were all over us for the last twenty minutes. This is looking bad now. Very bad. Still, only Chelsea, Man City, Man United and Arsenal for the next four games. No pressure, then...

15th October '10 - Had another of those enforced leadership/management training things today, and this one was actually relevant, which surprised me somewhat. Went for a pint or three afterwards with a good mate who I only see at these things. The whole time we were sitting there, my mobile was on the desk. My boss was in a crisis meeting with the Big Boss about the whole future of the job me and thirty-five of my colleagues are doing. My boss said he'd give me a bell and let me know how it went. He didn't. Worrying....

14th October '10 - It makes a nice change to have a little joy in the world, and the rescue of thirty-three Chilean miners stuck underground since early August is certainly cause for celebration, though I can't help thinking the way they decided the order in which the men were extracted might not have played too well down at the coal face. Apparently, the men were psychologically profiled and mostly brought up in order of 'stability'. That must've been a bit of a giggle:
"Right lads, Jose and I will be going up first because we've really kept it together these last few weeks and are still cool as fuck. Then it'll be Mario 'cos he's the oldest, then Jimmy the youngest, then the rest of you can take it in turns. Luis, you'll be staying here until last because, frankly, you're a fucking nutcase and we don't want to risk the roof caving in before the rest of us are out. Just make sure you put Pedro's pet rock in the cage with him before he goes up and when it's your turn, remember to knock all the lights off before you leave, alright? Lovely."

13th October '10 - What do 'management' grades actually do? I only ask because I'm not a technically a manager myself, I'm a senior 'professional' grade. It's just that in the last week or so I appear to have written an Excel database from scratch to plot the shift patterns of thirty-six staff for a rolling twelve month period, updated all their current and future annual leave requests, identified shortfalls where too many were off at one time, addressed these shortfalls by ringing people up and getting them to swap shifts, organised a training schedule for five new trainees and finally produced a helpful guide on how staff from other disciplines can book in work for staff from my discipline and allocate it to them (since me and the other senior professionals have been banned from doing it ourselves.) On top of all this, I've still found time to do some of the work I was actually employed (and trained at great company expense) to do and arrange to go out and give a talk on my (real) job to a room full of science students in December. So I ask again; what is it that 'management' grades actually do? What's that, Sooty? 'Delegate to idiots like you'? Oh, right. Arse.

12th October '10 - The tube journey home from my new job (has it really been six months?) is the weariest thing about the whole day. I currently work in an area of town jam-packed with people from all over the planet doing their very best to contribute to the vibrant multicultural melting pot of our capital city by standing around on the street all day wearing twelfth-century desert robes and shouting. This can be a bit intimidating at times, but fortunately I have discovered a new trick with which to ease the struggle of having to force my way through the gibbering throng in the mouth of the underground station. This trick is known as 'farting'. Normally, being all repressed and English, I've always tended to be selective about where I drop my back, but in this day and age on the Central Line, all bets are off. A good quack as one enters the station is fine, but the most enjoyment is definitely to be had by the emission of a stuttering salvo as soon as one steps onto the 'down' escalator. The thought of me moving forward while my parp remains brings a tear to my eye, and, most probably the eyes of the shouty people behind me. I'm hoping eventually this new hobby of mine will result in a quieter journey. After all, you really don't want to be trundling downwards into Billy's bumcloud with your mouth open...

11th October '10 - I'm thinking of asking my bank manager for a loan. Not to purchase anything, you understand; I can't afford to. No, I just want to see what it feels like to have some fucking money in my wallet once again...

10th October '10 - Whilst roaring through 'Left 4 Dead 2' for several hours last night, I managed to put away two family bags of roast beef Monster Munch and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Sophistication. It's something one is born with...

9th October '10 - Oh. My. God. Well, that's the Olympic fortnight sorted...

8th October '10 - I shave my head. I have my ears pierced seven times and a bar through my left eyebrow. I also have a six-inch long spike of a beard. From this, you can probably deduce that I genuinely don't give a rat's arse what other people think about the way I look. Having said that though, I could never bring myself to ride a folding bicycle in public because, let's face it, nobody wants people staring at them and thinking they look a twat.

7th October '10 - ...and while we're 'doing' celebrities, Hollywood chin-and-hair combo Jennifer Aniston is apparently so desperate to revive her flagging 'career' that she has decided to strip naked in her new film 'Wanderlust'. Hmmm. Average-looking forty-year-old woman shows off her average-sized forty-year-old tits. Yeah, that ought to have them queueing round the multiplex, Jen...

6th October '10 - Loathe as I am to comment on celebrity tittle-tattle, I noted today that 'artist' Tracey Emin (she of the unmade bed) has split from her boyfriend of seven years, one Scott Douglas. Apparently, Tracey is not happy that Scott has become 'close' to Russian supermodel Natalia Vodianova, known in the industry as 'Supernova' and gave him one of those 'her or me' ultimatums. This is what Tracey Emin looks like. And this is the Supernova. Fucking hell, the bloke must've wrestled with his conscience for literally seconds over that decision...

5th October '10 - Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars. Well, either that or the infinite crushing blackness of interstellar space. One of the two.

4th October '10 - My daughter came home from school today with a book all about a man who lived a long time ago and told wonderful stories about little mermaids and ugly ducklings. According to this book, he was called Hans Anderson. Not Hans Christian Anderson; no, we can't have him called that anymore, can we? Presumably in case is 'offends people of other religions'. And by 'other religions', I mean, of course, Islam. I'm getting really fucking sick of this minority group calling all the shots in this country, and even more sick of the Socialist scum that still infest our educational establishment continually pandering to these inflexible and intolerant bullies.

3rd October '10 - The Fishwife is annoyed at me. My nearest and dearest have apparently asked her to fish for hints as to what I might like for a birthday or Christmas present, but the truth of the matter is, there's absolutely nothing I want. I have all the albums, DVDs, books and games I could ever need and enough assorted tat collecting dust in drawers to sink a battleship. Added to this I have a wonderful wife, a lovely daughter and a happy little family. I am utterly content. Makes you sick, doesn't it?

2nd October '10 - Wigan 2 Wolves 0. Karl Henry really isn't doing himself any favours. Sent off after only ten minutes for a scything challenge meant that we were up against it for the next eighty. Mick McCarthy was completely lost and had no answer. We hung on for the remainder of the first half, but with Doyle up front on his own, we were never going to threaten. Ultimately, there was only ever going to be one result and, sure enough, Wigan nicked it in the second half. Four defeats on the bounce now and one off the bottom slot. Questions are now being asked by the faithful. Why does McCarthy always play his favourites when they're clearly not working? Why do we have no other game plan than to lump it forward and chase it all the while? What's Martin O'Neill's phone number?

1st October '10 - End of an era. The last of the senior managers who actually knew what he was doing in our particular field retired today. A wealth of technical knowledge and information has gone and there is nobody with the ability to replace it. I know about half of what he did, one other bloke (my old boss) knows a bit more than me but the best man for the job was the man doing it and now he's left. There will be fallout.
  On a separate note, I've begun to notice, with equal parts amusement and alarm, that my internal monologue has started to switch itself to 'broadcast' after a couple of sherbets. On more than one occasion at the leaving drink, I found myself telling people what I actually thought about them, their work and, in one particularly memorable encounter, their husband.
  What fun! I might start carrying a hip-flask...

30th September '10 - Emergency management meeting at work today. Apparently, the big boys are concerned that our shift teams keep dropping below minimum strength. I did try - once again - to explain what happens when you take a team of forty-six people down to thirty-two without jettisoning any work, but the penny still isn't dropping. In a moment of what I can only describe as Premier League Muppetry, I found myself volunteering to act as a shift manager to see if one person having an overview of the whole thing would make things run any smoother. More paperwork, then. Deep joy.

29th September '10 - Saw a poster today for a Daryl Hall and John Oates tribute act playing midweek at a pub in Highbury. If anyone knows of a sadder and more desperate attempt to forge a career at the outer edges of musical credibility, please drop me a line via the Guestbook. I could do with a laugh

27th September '10 - Sometimes, a thing just reaches saturation point. I for one do not need to hear the song 'Here Come the Girls' ever again as long as I live. It's trite, naff and always, always accompanied by some grinning menopausal bints walking arm-in-arm in slo-mo. Stop it. Stop it now.

26th September '10 - It's all too easy to moan (which is why I do it so much), but occasionally, things are better now than they were before. Take the train journey from Wolverhampton to London, for example. I've been traipsing this soul-destroying route for years and had to put up with filthy, overcrowded trains, diversions via Northampton, changes at Rugby and journey times anywhere between two and a half and four hours. Today though, the sexy new Virgin Pendolinos make the trip in a shade under two hours. They're comfortable, on time and don't hang about. In fact, there's barely time to watch a movie on the laptop before you're there. We like!

25th September '10 - Wolves 1 Aston Villa 2. Fucksocks. That's three games on the trot we've forfeited now. Can someone please tell Mick McCarthy that football games last ninety minutes, not eighty? I think he thinks we're on rugby timings

24th September '10 - Well well, the sly old dog! Apparently '80s DJ and presenter Steve Blacknell (well, I remember him, you lot may have to Google) has just come out and revealed he was Kate Bush's first boyfriend and the subject of the song 'The Man with the Child in his Eyes'. Steve has kept this secret for thirty-five years and is only coming out now as he's skint and has had to put the hand-written lyrics to the song that Kate gave him. Steve says "She was my first true love. All I really knew about her was that she wrote songs, played the piano and lived in a lovely house with an equally lovely family. When I first heard her music I thought, 'Oh my God'. It made my soul stand on end. I realised I was in love with a genius. I've been told by those around her that I was indeed 'The Man With The Child In His Eyes' and I know that those words were given to me by someone very special. I'm proud to have known and loved her." The lyrics are expected to sell for £10k. Good. The bloke deserves it for his chivalry.

22nd September '10 - Is it me, or is it finally getting cooler and darker of an evening? Lovely! Bring it on!

21st September '10 - Global email at work today warning the staff - yet again -  about what they say on social networking sites. I gather the senior management have got wind of the fact that a lot of people don't seem to think much of them and aren't shy about publicising this to a wider audience.
  I can see this from both sides. For instance, I agree that it's totally out of order to slag off the company that employs you and to name people you think are cretins (which is why, in seven years of running this site, I have never mentioned who I work for; what, specifically, I do; nor have I named anyone either in fact or by insinuation. It's not professional and it invites a libel writ.) However, I would like to think, were I a senior manager, that if enough people were honking about me in cyberspace, there may just be something wrong with the way I'm doing my job and I'd possibly think about taking steps to find out what that was and how to sort it.
  Now I'm aware this site is known about and occasionally visited, so if anyone at the top wants my two bob's worth on how to improve things, it's this: Stop surrounding yourselves with people who'll agree with whatever you say and seek some advice from the people who are actually doing the work. Clue - look for those of us with letters after our names in our relevant professional fields. This means that we've proven we know what we're talking about to national (and often international) professional examining bodies and we might just be able to help you provide a better service and improve your image should you ever decide to ask our opinions...

20th September '10 - Ennui. That's pretty much the pervading atmosphere throughout the whole building at work. People from completely different departments and disciplines all wandering round looking like Death Row inmates. We all know cuts are coming, we just don't know how much and where the axe will fall. It's not a pleasant feeling...

19th September '10 - Sunday is the day of rest; at least it was for me seeing as I didn't get up until half past two this afternoon. Then again, I didn't actually go to bed until five after a marathon session on 'Left 4 Dead 2', so I suppose it all evens out. Hey, come on! Those zombies won't shoot themselves, you know!

18th September '10 - Tottenham 3 Wolves 1. Helmets. Another one pissed up the wall in the last few minutes. To be fair, we were always under the cosh here, but a goal on the stroke of half-time against the run of play looked like being enough until fifteen minutes from time when Wardo had a moment of madness and gave away a cast-iron penalty. Even at 1-1, it looked like we still might nick it, but yet again, we switched off in injury time and that was that. An unflattering scoreline, but a fair result. We need to sharpen up now before we start playing the really big boys!

17th September '10 - Another night of top tunes and drunken pinball playing in the Intrepid Fox. It's a good job I'm no longer of an age where I could hit the Fox every Friday like I did in my twenties. The way the Government have racked up the duty over the last few years, I'd be a bankrupt before I became an alcoholic...

15th September '10 - There have been several good mottoes that I have admired over the years, ranging from the optimistic (like Eric Idle's 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life'),to  the pessimistic (Kenneth Williams' 'Infamy! Infamy! They've All Got It In For Me!'), to the downright weird (Joker Jack's 'Never Rub Another Man's Rhubarb!') My current favourite belongs to Ellis, the hick character from the sublime 'Left 4 Dead 2'. His 'Kill All Sons-Of-Bitches' pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now...

14th September '10 - It's an old cliche to say that time flies and you've no idea where the year's gone, but bloody hell, it's halfway through September! Two more weeks and I'll be sorting out my team's Christmas meal once more! That is, if I'm not out of work by then. Being one of those evil, scumbag State employees that you read about in the papers, I obviously have absolutely nothing to do all day but while away my time in a meaningless, Government-created non-job, having meetings and sitting back and counting all the money that the private sector makes for me and my State-employed colleagues to spend, whilst simultaneously dreaming about my gold-plated index-linked pension and how I get to pick it up at the age of fifty. Or whatever...

13th September '10 - Sixty thousand hits! Many thanks to each and every one of you, even though I know it's probably just old Penfold clicking his mouse like he's sending Morse code...

12th September '10 - This. And this. Oh man, I'm stoked! I've waited ten years for this!

11th September '10 - Fulham 2 Wolves 1. Knackers. Lost it in the ninety-fifth minute. To be honest, despite a good opening, we were all over the shop here and Fulham deserved the points. It didn't help that the referee was handing out yellow cards like Santa doles out presents, either. After the Newcastle game and Karl Henry being the (unwitting) architect of Bobby Zamora's broken leg today, it looks like we're the new Bad Boys of the Premiership. I don't think we're a particularly dirty side, just a physical one. Shame the ref never shares that opinion.

10th September '10 - If you're an iTunes user, don't download and install the latest version (10.0) unless a) you're a Mac owner or b) you really, REALLY know what you're doing with your PC. Fortunately, I'm in the latter category, but it still got very messy...

9th September '10 - It's been ages since I've succumbed to a migraine, but I had a beauty today. Just about managed to get home from work before the Jimi Hendrix visuals totally took over my field of view, leaving me with no option but to go to bed and lie there quietly. Well, as quiet as I could manage, what with my tinnitus playing a full, whistling accompaniment to all the pretty lights. Ow.

7th September '10 - I think AntiProduct must've died....

6th September '10 - Another Blue Monday. Nothing to do with overlong and far-too-self-indulgent early Eighties electronica though, I'm talking about stuffing your face at your local 'Yo Sushi!'. On my 'non shift' shift pattern, I get a Monday off every four weeks, so what better than to enjoy a nice lie-in before getting up, having a shower and wandering down to Croydon for lunch. Sushi, tempura, nigri, gyoza and udon all washed down with an imported Sapporo or two, and thanks to the 'Blue Monday' promotion, every bowl a mere £2.20. Fantastic!

5th September '10 - Some shitbag on the news just now has said that up to 1.4 million people owe the taxman up to £1500 each because a software fault meant that £2 billion was underpaid via the Pay as You Earn (PAYE) system over the last two years. By the same token, it is thought that around £1.8 billion has been overpaid and some 4.3 million people will get rebates because they've paid too much. Guess which fucking boat I'm likely to find myself bobbing along in?

4th September '10 - We have rats at work. As I opened up this morning, I say movement beneath the one of the bins in the yard. A moment later, a rodent the sixe of a custy loaf shuffled out from underneath dragging the remains of a chicken leg. This is worrying. I've never seen a rat in the car park before. They're normally having meetings somewhere off site...

3rd September '10 - Rumours abound that Harvey Keitel is about to take over for yet another season of the US version of 'The Office'. If there are any Americans reading, consider this: The more you continue with this show, the more money Ricky Gervais gets and the more he'll keep churning stuff out. Please stop; you're only encouarging him. Think of the bloke as a particulary annoying insect. If we all ignore him, maybe he'll go away...

2nd September '10 - I had a letter from our work's HQ today informing me that I would be picking up my long service award sometime next year. Have I really done twenty years for this organisation? Jesus wept...

1st September '10 - The type of work that my team do is very much demand led. Most of the time, I'll find myself alone in the office as the rest of the team will be out working from job to job as the work flows in. These are the occasions when I get moaned at for being a crap manager and never having anyone free to do an urgent job. Today, for the first time ever, all three of my Early shift bods, my Middle shift bod and my Late shift bod were in the office at the same time because there simply wasn't anything happening. Tomorrow, I'll no doubt get moaned at for being a crap manager and having everyone sitting around doing nothing. C'est la vie...

31st August '10 - ...and that's two-thirds of the year gone. Still, look on the bright side. The nights are starting to pull in. Give it another few weeks and the clocks will go back. Dark nights all round! Marvellous!

30th August '10 - Though it pains me to say it, there's a chance I (along with many other civil servants) may find myself redundant in the near future. With the spectre of unemployment looming, I have been looking around for alternative careers. After much consideration, I have decided that I'm going to retrain to be Kate Bush. Well, she doesn't seem too keen on doing the job, does she? I'm sure I'd be up to the task. All I'd have to do is sit in a lovely seafront property in Cornwall, counting my money and not doing anything. Yeah, I could handle that. If it ever got boring, I could always go and sniff my old leotards...

28th August '10 - Wolves 1 Newcastle 1. Or the 'Kick Joey Bartom All Round Molineux Show' to give it its proper title. A bruising, brutal game played by real men on both sides. Lots of crunching challenges, very little play-acting and yellow cards handed out like Smarties to all and sundry (seven for us, five for them). It was like watching a game from the 1970's and there's nothing wrong with that. A point each was a fair result...

27th August '10 - Took my daughter to see 'Toy Story 3' today. Top film and all that, but they're getting a bit fucking fresh with the 3D prices at Cineworld. Each 3D movie is an extra £2.50 on top of the normal £5.95 admission price, and the 'free' 3D glasses are now 80p a pop. Stick with this little racket when VAT goes up to 20% and you'll be out of business by March, boys.

26th August '10 - It has now been five years since George R.R. Martin signed off from 'A Feast For Crows' with the words "all your favourite characters will be along next year in 'A Dance With Dragons'"; a book which he swore he'd already written most of at the time, since 'Feast' was merely half the chapters, taken out and reshuffled. There is still no projected release date for 'Dance', which is Book Five in the seven book 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series, and George himself is in his sixties and morbidly obese. I don't think I ought to be holding my breath to find out how this whole thing ends. Pity really, it's by far the best thing I've ever read. Why should you care? Well, the whole thing is HBO's next 'adult' TV series, following huge acclaim for 'Rome' and 'Deadwood'. Look. But don't get too engrossed, will you? He's never going to finish it...

25th August '10 - Some mad woman from Rugby was in all the papers today after walking past a cat, picking it up and dropping it in a wheelie-bin. Apparently, the CCTV footage of her 'crime' has been seen over a hundred thousand times on 'YouTube', she's been subject to death threats from all round the world and now faces losing her job. The woman is both bemused and distressed by all the attention and outcry, and I must admit, so am I. "It's only a cat", she said when confronted for an interview. Quite.

23rd August '10 - I opened up my old MySpace page today just to see if anyone still bothered with it now that Facebook appears to have taken over the world. Guess what? They don't. Pity. The whole MySpace thing was a bit of a hoot a year or two back. Ah well, nothing lasts forever. I wonder if ScriptGirl is on Facebook somewhere?

22nd August '10 - John Cleese said recently that he thought that Ricky Gervais was 'the height of modern entertainment'. Fuck me, what a depressing thought...

21st August '10 - Everton 1 Wolves 1. Sylvan Ebanks Blake. No, really. We were hammered out of sight for the whole of the first half, but somehow found ourselves growing in both confidence and ability from the hour mark onwards. The last fifteen minutes were Wolves all the way. In the end, a point a piece was a fair result and we're doing very nicely thank-you so far this season...

20th August '10 - Bit of a bargain going on at the Steam website this evening. Both S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games for £6.74 for twenty four hours only. Well, it's rude not to, isn't it?

19th August '10 - Every night this week, the cowing sun has been blaring through my bastard curtains until gone nine o'clock at night. Where were you last week when I was on holiday, you great big ball of perpetually combusting hydrogen, you? Cock.

17th August '10 - Out of action for a night or two, as I'm getting the PC up on blocks again and fitting a new, larger Velociraptor hard drive. This new one is twice the size of my current 300GB version and the read/write speeds are a third quicker. Should be good for a giggle. Give me a day to fit it and format it and another to switch everything over and run a benchtest and I'll see youse all on Thursday. Namaste...

16th August '10 - Back to work. Fucking wanking bollocks.

15th August '10 - Woke up in my own bed with no idea who or where I was. Spent the day trying to surf on the computer while the sun blazed its way through the curtains in exactly the same way it hadn't been doing all last week. Arse.

7th - 14th August '10 - St. Ives, Cornwall. I had a brainwave this year. I though if we set out mega early, we'd be ahead of the holiday traffic and arrive in Cornwall in time for lunch. Unfortunately for us, every cunt with a caravan had the same thought. Eight and a half bastard hours it took. Sure, we got there for early afternoon, but after buying some groceries and having a cuppa, we were too shagged out to make use of the extra day. The rest of the week was hit and miss. Two nice days; one on the beach at St. Ives and the other at Marazion and that was about it. In between, there were a couple of duff days (one where it rained solidly, so I was glad I'd brought my new laptop even if it couldn't pick up a bloody internet connection), several nice meals out and loads of lovely family time, which, in the end, is what hoidays are all about. On the drive back, I heard Wolves win their first opening game of the season this century, which was a nice little bonus. Next year though, I shall be having my holiday in June. Less traffic, less wankers, better weather and half the price of bastard August. You know it makes sense!

6th August '10 - So that's what celebrity feels like, eh? I had no idea that there were so many people wanting to have their photographs taken with a fat, middle-aged bloke in a Princess Leia costume. I spent the whole day posing for pictures with a never-ending parade of men and women (I stopped counting at thirty!) One bloke came up to me three times. Groovy - my very own stalker! The pinnacle, though, has to be the fact that I finally made it onto the CAMRA website after all those years of Jimmy Savile, silly hats and dodgy wigs. Excellent! Anyway, apart from that, the beers were good and the live set from The Blockheads even better. Highlights? Check out 'Titanic Chocolate & Vanilla Stout' from Staffordshire if it's ever on up your way, and Yorkshire's 'Golcar Dark Mild' is worth a go too. The winner for me was 'Downtown Chocolate Orange Delight' from Wiltshire at 5.8%. Not quite as good as Amber's 'Chocolate Orange Stout' from last year, but since all the greedy fat CAMRA bastards had demolished that on trade day, I had to make do. All in all, a blinding day. Roll on next year. May The Farts Be With You.

5th August '10 - It's seven o'clock in the morning, I'm all showered and fresh and I feel like a bride-to-be, nervously trying on my new dress and worrying if it fits. Yes, it's Beer Festival time once more and no, that wasn't a metaphor - I really have just tried on my new dress and, yes, it fits beautifully. Now where's me wig?

4th August '10 - The date varies every year, but I love this specific day; the last one at work before I head off for my holiday. As an added bonus, tomorrow is also Beer Festival day! One upcoming week of fun and loveliness out of fifty-two duff ones. It's not enough. It's nowhere near enough.

3rd August '10 - I haven't had a day sick off work for almost five years, but I had to split the difference and come home mid-morning today. When you've been in the office for two and a half hours and have spent ninety minutes on the khazi, it's best to simply give the day up as a bad job and go home. It wasn't fun making the journey back to Streatham without making too many sudden movements, but I did it. A handful of Imodium, lots of fluids and some cheese on toast ought to do the trick. I hope so, it's only two days until the Beer Festival. There's no way I could face a session with a leaky balloon-knot.

2nd June '10 - I'm not a senior manager, I'm not a high-flyer, I'm just a bog-standard, over-worked, put-upon foreman trying to run a team. So why is it when I have two days off, I find myself returning to forty-three sodding emails? Forty of them were utterly irrelevant and the other three could've waited until I saw the sender next. What in God's name did we all do before Outlook was invented?

1st August '10 - I'm finally beginning to notice the light nights giving up the ghost and can actually go to bed in the dark once more. Good. Balls to Summer, it's too hot, too light and too long. That planet where Vin Diesel crashed with the twenty-two year nights? Bliss.

31st July '10 - The bastards are dicking about with the M6 again. Left Scruffy's in Birmingham at 22:40, got back to Wolverhampton at 00:30 with a bladder the size of a zeppelin. Gits.

30th July '10 - Some utter bastard on eBay has gazumped my bid for a genuine Queen Amidala electronic blaster with authentic sound effects and lights. Don't they know how much I wanted this? How dare they outbid me by fifty pee with twelve seconds to go. Little shits, I hope the trigger falls off...

28th July '10 - That's enough of July. I'm taking a break from everything but me for the next few days. I have a shiny new Alienware laptop to unwrap and I'll be giving it my undivided attention for the next few days. Back to normality on Sunday, monkeys. Well, I say 'normality', it's Beer Festival week! Woo Hoo!

27th July '10 - The miracle of travel in the twenty-first century is that it's all computer controlled and coordinated. Take the tickets I have for my train journey this weekend - they don't actually exist yet. I ordered and paid for them two months ago, but rather than send them out by post (so last century, darling), all I have to do is arrive at London Euston, walk over to a machine, key in an eight digit number and in a few short seconds, the tickets will drop into my hand. Magic, eh? Now all I have to do is remember where I wrote down the bastard number. Arse.

26th July '10 - "You ought to be carful with your website", said a friend at work today; "you never know who's reading it." I pointed out that I know exactly who's reading it, seeing as I'm the webmaster and I have a live traffic log running in the background, but apparently that wasn't what he meant. "That wasn't what I meant", he said, "I meant that you keep slagging off the management and they could be reading!" Ever the comforter, I put his mind at rest on a few things. Firstly, I never mention names. Secondly, I never mention where I work and lastly (and most importantly), it's only libellious if it's untrue...

25th July '10 - Quick tip when tarting up a dish with Naga chilli paste: When you can't remember if they said 'teaspoon' or 'tablespoon', go for the former. Ouch!

24th July '10 - With only a few short weeks to go before the start of the new Premiership campaign, football chiefs are getting worried that the vuvuzela will make the transfer from South Africa to England and that every game will be ruined by a wall of monotonous droning. Both Spurs and Arsenal have already officially banned the things from their grounds and quite right too. However, I don't think there's any cause for alarm as far as the Wolves are concerned because the fad will simply never take off at Molineux. Anyone winding up their horn for a good old toot in the South Bank is going to have it shoved up their arse inside of thirty seconds.

23rd July '10 - If I told you how much I needed a beer after work tonight, I wouldn't have time to drink it. It's been one of those months, and I shall be glad to see the back of it...

22nd July '10 - Two days running I've fallen asleep on the tube home and woken up at Morden. This tends to happen once a week at least and has got to the point where I now have a genuine two-pronged dilemma. I can either try and remember to eat something while I'm at work to stabilise my blood-sugar levels or I can simply move to Morden...

21st July '10 - One of the problems for me as the 'manager' of a team (they call us managers to make us feel better, but we have no say in the deployment or day-to-day work of our staff, so 'foreman' would be a better description, that or 'mug') is that I very much believe that a decent manager always leads from the front and never asks or expects anyone to do something he isn't prepared to do (or is capable of doing) himself. This is why, when offered a seperate office, I declined it in favour of a desk in the corner of the main room where the team works. This is also why I suspect I have gone as far as I'm ever going to go in my career.
  The fact that I can actually do the job of the people I oversee is frowned upon in the current climate. Today's 'manager' is supposed to tell the staff how it's going to be and expect them to comply, no matter how unrealistic or unworkable the instruction. People, I'm passing an awful lot of shit down the line these days; stuff that the troops don't deserve and stuff that is starting to leave me slack-jawed at the weapons-grade inanity of some of our decision makers. I honestly don't know how much longer I can bottle this up before I end up telling the wrong person exactly what I think of them, complete with hand-gestures, sound effects and quite possibly diagrams. I suspect this would not be A Good Thing.
  Still, the resulting suspension would leave me loads of time for 'Team Fortess 2' on my new laptop...

20th July '10 - I don't often have random days off, but because the Fishwife was out of town overnight, I had to do the school run with the Minifish today. By a staggering coincidence, my new Alienware laptop arrived mid-morning, too. This means that I got to enjoy a nice morning walk, followed by a few hours of peace and quiet with my shiny new toy. Lovely! Now all I have to do is pay for the bugger...

19th July '10 - Two weeks after a colleague and I finished delivering a training course for four new members of staff (who are currently attached to our unit on temporary promotions), we've had some news. Bear in mind that the course was designed to get them up to speed in our work so that they can plug the holes left in our shift pattern by the clown who put it together with too few operational staff before you take the next bit on board, won't you? Ready? Ok, today we were told that they will all be returning to their current grades and going back to the unit they came from imminently. Actually, I tell a lie, we haven't officially been told this yet; nobody has had the common professional courtesy to do that, they've simply let 'rumour control' do the work for them.
  Ironically, this decision was taken last week while I was undergoing a leadership programme designed by the management to make me a better leader and communicator. The irony is not lost on me. Anyway, as a final 'up yours'; at the same time one of the devastated, hard-working new guys was telling me all about this travesty today, their own development manager was sending out emails with the results of their course and their final pass marks, together with words of congratulations.
  Truly inspirational, I'm sure you'll agree, but no more than we have all come to expect.

18th July '10 - Tits, it's gone all hot again. It was alright the last few days. Warm, a bit of sun, a bit of cloud, but now it's back to full-on thirty degrees, sweat your cobs off time. Frankly, I'm not impressed. The heat I can (just about) deal with, it's the never-ending daylight that pisses me off. Especially when the bastard sun is still blaring its way through my curtains at nine o'clock at night. I blame those tools who keep insisting we dick around with the clock twice a year. Nine o'clock is night time and I want it dark at that point. If these people enjoy twenty-four hour daylight so bloody much, why don't they sod off to Greenland?

17th July '10 - Four weeks today, Wolves will be playing their first game of the 2010/11 Premiership season against Stoke. Man, that's come round quick. I just hope that the following Sunday morning, we're not nursing a bunch of long-term injuries after having these filthy bastards on the opening day...

16th July '10 - Today saw the second day of the leadership programme that our senior management team have forced all of my (lower management drone) grade to attend and, credit where it's due, it was very interesting and I came away knowing more than when I started, which surely is the benchmark of success as far as these things are concerned. It was all about psychological profiling and identifying what type of a person you are and therefore how best you can deal with other types.
  Fascinating stuff, but that only took up the second half of a two day course. The rest of the time we were watching a biography of Shackleton and judging him on his leadership qualities. I think we were meant to see him as some sort of inspirational boss who took control when everything went to rat-shit and ensured that all of his men survived.
  Well yes, that's one way of viewing him. The other would be to say he made a piss-poor job of his initial planning and only remained leader by threatening to shoot anyone who disagreed with him, and it was only by sheer luck that he is not remembered with the sort of embarrassed contempt that we reserve for Scott.
  Still, food for thought and all that. I wonder where can I get a pistol from?

15th July '10 - Bugger me, there's only three weeks to go until the Great British Beer Festival rolls around once more! I'd better hit eBay and get my outfit ordered...

14th July '10 - Due to my unit being strip-mined to fill another, more 'important', one a few months back; I only had two members of staff on duty today. They both had armfuls of new work to get into the system and when they'd finished, they had to plough through their last lot of work and dispatch it to the customers.
  Meanwhile, a floor above us, there was a management meeting going on. There were eleven extra cars in the yard, and even though the meeting finished well before lunch, the cars didn't start rolling out of the gate until gone three o'clock. What were they discussing? Areas to look at for cost cutting.
  So, just to complete the picture for you, that's eleven senior managers sitting round for a whole morning eating biscuits and looking for ideas on how to save money. I've already spotted one. Have you?

13th July '10 - I had plans for my day off today. I was going to knuckle down and get a head start on this year's staff reports. I was going to set some tailor-made personal objectives, scope out some suitable training courses for all nine of my staff and generally put together the sort of detailed, motivational package that I myself would like to receive but never have.
  And then I had a flashback to that patronising enforced leadership thing I was made to suffer the other week and realised I couldn't do that to the poor buggers, so I simply booted up Steam and played 'Team Fortress 2' all day instead.
  Prioritisation. That's a key managerial value, that is...

12th July '10 - It's amazing the feats of human endurance you can find while idly flicking through the Guinness Book of Records. For instance, did you know that the World Hard Boiled Egg Eating Record belongs to a Korean-born American woman named Sonya Thomas? Sonya is something of a legend in competitive eating circles, holding thirty-seven separate records despite the fact that she's only five foot five tall and weighs ninety-eight pounds. Nevertheless, Sonya holds the record by managing to polish off sixty-five hard boiled eggs in six minutes and forty seconds. Amazing. I flicked a bit further through the book to see if I could find who held the record for World's Most Bunged-Up Arsehole, but I couldn't find an entry. I'd put money on me knowing the correct answer, though...

11th July '10 - Playing 'Bioshock' again. Why can't I be fitted with plasmids? Why? Just one little 'Incinerate' or 'Electrocute; that's not too much to ask, is it?

10th July '10 - I had a great day today. It was just like being back in the early Nineties. In a van, driving round London taking photographs. The weather was glorious, the traffic was a nightmare, but the radio was loud and the Coke was cold. This is what they employed me to do twenty years ago. Nowadays, I fly a desk and shuffle paper, but one weekend in every four, I get to do some proper work again. It's wonderful and it's nowhere near enough...

9th July '10 - So the Dutch philosophy towards the World Cup Final was apparently "Spain are quicker than us, but we're bigger, so we'll just give them a kicking instead." Very foolish game plan, boys. I don't think Cruyff would be impressed. 'Total Football'? Hmm...I don't think so somehow.

8th July '10 - Really shit day at work today. I seemed to spend the whole nine hours apologising to a never-ending stream of people for someone else's mistake. The downside of management, I guess. When everything's going well, nobody ever congratulates you or says thanks. The moment something goes wrong, they're all coming out of the woodwork and lining up to give you a kicking...

7th July '10 - Back to work this morning to find out that my boss had remembered to put my overtime in for this month. Aces! I can now afford to eat in August!

5th July '10 - Rest Days once more. Normally when I get some days off, I choose to do something interesting, like writing something for my on-going 'personal development' programme, or tweaking my computer a bit. Today though, I have chosen to simply sit here streaming from the eyes and dripping snot all over the keyboard. That seems like the most appropriate use of my time right now...

4th July '10 - There was talk on the radio this morning of 600,000 civil service job losses. I work, technically, in a civil service unit. The powers-that-be are already talking about cutbacks. Thing is, if it does come down to redundancies, it won't be the working grades that choose who gets the bullet, it'll be our senior management, and, given the option, do you think they'll choose to axe their office-bound, policy-making selves or trim the operational front-line workers? Exactly. Still, it'd be worth me getting fired just to know that certain peoples will have to actually go out and do some real work in the future to cover for the losses...

3rd July '10 - Apparently, it was 'Wimbledon' this week and I missed it. Oh well, how sad, never mind. I can't stand tennis and, more than this, I really can't abide that angry Scotch penis who supposedly represents our best interests these days. Young Mr. Murray was stuffed by Nadal on Friday evening. Good. If he's our great white hope, it is my most fervent desire that we British never win the title again. I would rather it be thus that see that Scotch git clutching the silverware, the fucking twat.

2nd July '10 - One last nod to the World Cup and then I'll leave it alone for another four years. Here's some international figures that Fabio Capello may wish to ponder: Colombia's Rene Higuita has only scored eight goals in sixty-eight appearances for his country. Jose Luis Chilavert of Paraguay manages a slightly worse average, taking seventy-four appearances to score the same amount of goals. So we shouldn't be too critical of poor, donkey-like Emile Heskey with his seven goals from fifty-nine England games, should we? Well actually, yes we should. The other two are goalkeepers.

1st July '10 - I hate my body clock. It will always, always wake me up between half an hour and an hour before the alarm is due to go off. When I lived nearer work, I set the alarm for half five and always woke up at five. Now I set the alarm for half four and am generally showered, dressed and sipping coffee by quarter past. What's going on? My own body is trying to kill me!

30th June '10 - I have been forcibly signed up to a year-long 'Leadership' development programme by the same branch of my organisation who paid £1200 last year for me to spend twelve months doing my NVQ in Management. Astonishingly, so has everyone else in my pay band. Today was the inaugural presentation; a typically flamboyant affair with personalised folders and a bargain-basement guest speaker. What an utter waste of my time and your money.

29th June '10 - After a really cagey and boring game, Japan go out of the World Cup on penalties against Paraguay. Here officially ends my interest in this shonky competition. Argentina vs. Brazil for the final and Brazil to win. Go on, fill your boots at the bookies!

28th June '10 - I've been naughty. You see, I really want one of those 'Alienware' mini-laptops I mentioned a couple of days ago, only I don't want to pay in Sterling what the Yanks pay in Dollars. So I checked the interweb for discount codes. I found two. A British one for 5% off and a US one for 10% off. For a giggle, I added both to the Alienware order form. It accepted them. I was then presented with the opprtunity of ordering an 11'' portable gaming bitch for well over £200 less than the UK retail price. Did I go for it? Hah! What do you think?

27th June '10 - Germany 4 England 1. The more useless you are, the more money they'll pay you, so long as you keep your head down and get on with things. Wheteher we're talking Frank Lampard and John Terry or the head of my particular civil service department - it's all much of a muchness. Sadly, Frank and co. have now been rumbled and are facing the backlash of the nation. Well, they're not Freemasons, are they?

25th June '10 - This or a fucking Apple iPad? Decisions, decisions...

24th June '10 - Good World Cup gag doing the rounds on the mobile phones: 'This tournament is like a replay of World War II - The French have surrendered early and the Yanks have shown up at the last minute. Meanwhile, it's us against the bloody Germans once more.' We like!

23rd June '10 - I've just read the last couple of posts and it reads as if I'm having a shit time at work and hate all the management. Sorry, that wasn't intentional. Actually, I'm really enjoying things right now, as I'm up at our training school for a couple of weeks using all the skills that my department has paid for me to acquire in order to pass on my professional knowledge to the next batch of bright young things. My own manager, who is a star, is simply letting me get on with it and not hassling me in the slightest with any other crap. Result? One happy trainer, a relaxed learning environment and four happy trainees. All is gravy at the moment. Watch some bastard come along and spoil it...

22nd June '10 - So that was the 'Bloodbath Budget' was it? Bollocks. As a Public Sector worker, I have no problems whatsoever with a two-year pay freeze. The economy is screwed, we don't actually 'produce' anything, so we should all be sharing the pain. However, I think things should've gone much further, like a cap on senior civil servant's pay. No-one, and I do mean no-one, in the Public Sector should earn more than the Prime Minister. He's the top civil servant, so he should be the pinnacle of the pay spine. There is also no excuse whatsoever for pay bonuses in the Public Sector, either. All that guff about having to pay the 'talent' extra in case they leave. Fine, let them. Having encountered some of the big bonus-earners at my place, I can honestly say that, without exception, the man-management and leadership skills they display wouldn't get them off the shop floor of a fucking call centre in the real world...

21st June '10 - I've worked out just how much extra I get for being a managerial grade with all the shit and paperwork that this entails, as opposed to being a 'pick up the phone, get the job details, go and do it' grade. Basically, for putting up with all the idiot decisions from above and acting as a flak barrier for the unpopularity of our so-called senior 'management', I'm paid an extra £774 a year before tax. Additionally, there is no scope for overtime at my grade, but there is for the basic-grade troops. To cap it all, in April of next year, I lose my Shift Pay, since they took me off shifts even though I've never had a problem doing them and there are not enough shift workers left now to offer a viable 24/7 service, but I digress. So, I have decided that ten months from now will be the point at which I chuck my promotion back at them and revert to doing the job they employed me to do twenty years ago. I've come to realise that I don't need the grief, I certainly don't need the 'money' and that the game just isn't worth the candle anymore. Fuck it; life's too short to pander to arseholes, especially for £5.52 a day.

20th June '10 - Today is Father's Day. As a special treat, the Fishwife decided not to think about food until seven o'clock this evening when we were all starving, at which point she simply grabbed what was quickest and shoved it in the direction of the cooker. Consequently, we ended up having turkey dinosaurs, a frozen four-cheese pizza and chicken supernoodles. It was an absolute banquet.

18th June '10 - England 0 Algeria 0. Even the Wolves would've put this lot to bed. Appalling.

17th June '10 - Pneumatic lad's mag model Kelly Brook announced this week that she is to pose naked in Playboy for a cool £345, 000. After years of protesting that she was more than just a pair of tits and desperately trying her hand at acting, presenting, fashion design and dancing, she has finally come to the conclusion that she is, after all, just a pair of tits and will now take the money and run. A wise decision, girl. Cash in quick before it all goes south

16th June '10 - I don't know what's worse; my hay-fever or the bloody tablets I'm taking for it. I can either not take anything and sit there dripping snot and wiping my red eyes constantly, or I can take a tablet and become a psychiatric ward in-patient, all slack jawed and barely awake. I wish I was a grade higher at work. I could take the tablets all the time then and no-one would notice...

15th June '10 - Right, I've almost finished dicking about with my computer. I now have one of these in front of me, which is the biz and will be even more so in September when ATI brings in 3D. In order to power a bigger 120HZ screen, I've bought one of these, which is frankly silly. There is now nothing game-wise that I cannot run in true 1080 High Def with all the settings maxed out. Even when I do, the temperature sits at around the 40- 45 degree mark. Insane! Why the big cash splurge? Well, the Gummint about to crank up VAT and the tossers I work for will probably freeze my pay or cut it by 10% or something equally ridiculous, so I'm not going to be able to go out for the next couple of years. What better reason to stay in than to indulge in some truly kick-arse gaming?

14th June '10 - Brian May, ridiculously-haired axe man for rock gods 'Queen' plays a guitar called the 'Red Special'. He and his dad Harold built it in their kitchen together back in 1964. It is made from wood which came from an 18th century fireplace mantel that a friend of the family was chucking out, and its tremolo system is made from an old hardened-steel knife-edge shaped into a V with two motorbike valve springs attached to counter the string tension. The tremolo arm itself is made from an old bicycle saddle bag carrier and the knob at the end is off a knitting needle. Despite being worth an estimated £70 million, the Red Special is the only guitar May ever plays and instead of a pick, he still uses an old sixpence his father gave him. What a tight bastard.

13th June '10 - Go and get a woman, get a woman if you can. If you can't get a woman, get a clean old man.

12th June '10 - England 1 USA 1. Why? Why is he still playing Emile Heskey? For the love of God, why? The donkey did it again; totally ruined a winnable game with his incompetence. Caught offside three times and missed two easy finishes. Postman Pat finally replaced him with Peter Crouch with ten minutes to go, but that was far too late to make a difference. What a shit game! No way we're progressing in this tournament with performances like this. Maybe that's a good thing, because although we're only two days into the World Cup, I'm already sick and fucking tired of listening to those vuvuzela horns. Ninety minutes of non-stop wasp-like droning, on and on and fucking on. I'm almost missing 'The Great Escape'...

11th June '10 - If I had feet made of cake or some other flour-based confectionery, such as doughnuts or éclairs, I'd probably spend a lot less time in the bath...

10th June '10 - A routine health check-up today, during which a nurse weighed me, measured me and calculated my BMI. I then came in for a bit of mild chastisement as it was apparent that I'd put on a few pounds since the last time, owing to just having had a week on the sofa reading and eating crisps. "Tut tut", she went, "your BMIs gone up from 26.1 to 26.3!" "Tut tut", I agreed, all contrite, "How dreadful, aren't I naughty?" Then it occurred to me that this nurse, though three inches shorter, probably outweighed me by a couple of stone. I got a bit miffed then. How very dare she? Having a pop at me for putting on a pound or two when she herself was a chubster! In fact, if one subscribes to the old adage of 'you are what you eat', then this nurse had clearly eaten a short, fat woman. Honestly. Talk about double standards

9th June '10 - Just ordered a new toy. In a day or two, I'll be upgrading my 22" monitor with Freeview (which I've never bloody watched) to a 24" 120Hz 3D monitor complete with 3D goggles. The Fishwife gets a new telly for the bedroom and I get to play 'Bioshock 2' again, but this time in 3D. Yay! Who's the Daddy?

8th June '10 - Quick tip for anyone having a blood test. When they pull the needle out and put a bit of cotton wool on the exit point and ask you to press, don't. Just keep your arm straight and gently keep the cotton wool against your vein for a minute or two. Do not press and DO NOT bend your arm - this is what causes you to bruise. After a couple of minutes, ditch the cotton wool and pop a small plaster on if you need to. That's it. Follow this and in three or four hours, ho-one will be able to tell you've had anything done. Good advice if you plan on going out in short sleeves and don't want to look like a smack-head.

7th June '10 - Back to work and two absolute fucking corkers for yours truly to walk into. First, my new boss had forgotten to come and collect my overtime form, so plain bastard pay next month, and second, a lovely sixty quid penalty charge for stalling a works van in a bastard box junction in Hackney whilst on an urgent job a couple of weeks back. I thought I'd got away with that one, too. Fucksocks.

6th June '10 - Was that it? Where's my week of loafing gone, eh? Jesus. Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed the 'Claudius' books, and am now halfway through the 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' trilogy. I like Lisbeth Salander. Short, skinny, tattoos, piercings and spiky black hair. Oh, and a dangerous psycho when crossed. My kinda girl!

5th June '10 - Fucking hell, this new season of 'Doctor Who' is shit. There. I've said it.

4th June '10 - The following represents the reaction of every single newspaper and television news programme to the tragic events that unfolded on Wednesday morning: Fap. Fap. Fap...

3rd June '10 - Some angry middle-aged fruitcake goes nuts with his legally-owned shotgun and decides to have a real-life game of 'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' in a Cumbrian village all by his lonesome. Result? A dozen stiffs and the usual round of Lefty hand-wringing. I guarantee that shotguns will be illegal before you can say 'typical knee-jerk reaction by cross-party media-whore MPs' Got a watch? Time them...

2nd June '10 - In a few short weeks, we're all going to have to pay more bloody VAT on everything to pay for the damage that the one-eyed Scotch idiot has done to the country. It'll probably be set at 20%, it may even be 22.5% for a year first. With this in mind, I decided to take the opportunity to go to Birmingham today and do my Christmas shopping. Aces - there was no bugger there! Got everything I wanted in an hour and then went to Scruffy Murphy's and got trollied on Blackthorn all afternoon. It was just like being eighteen again, only with some money in my pocket. Marvellous!

1st June '10 - I'm sorry, I thought for a moment there it was June. Jesus wept...

30th May '10 - Waterstones are doing a '3 for 2' deal at the moment, so I went and got six. This week I are mostly be reading 'I, Claudius' and 'Claudius the God' by Robert Graves, followed by the 'Millennium' trilogy by Steig Larsson with Guillermo Del Toro's 'The Strain' to finish. Loafing. You can't whack it.

28th May '10 - Bliss! I now have a week off, so I shall be taking the PC apart and having a fiddle with its guts. I may drop you all a line via the netbook, and then again I may not. You'll just have to check back every so often and see...

27th May '10 - It's been half a decade since the Bluetooth revolution, yet I still haven't got used to seeing people holding loud and animated conversations with themselves whilst standing next to me in the bus queue. I keep thinking I've got a mental patient behind me. Then again, I catch the bus on Streatham High Road every morning, so this may well be the case...

26th May '10 - I keep clocking this sign outside a local pub which reads 'Salsa Classes - Every Thursday 8 to 10'. Look people, its simply chopped tomatoes, one red pepper, one green one, half an onion, a dash of lemon juice and a handful of coriander leaves. Whack it all in the blender and hit the button. There's no way it takes two hours to get your head around that...

25th May '10 - Laughing my cobs off at all the righteous anger pouring out of the fanboy sites over the ending of 'Lost'. Regular readers of this site will know I gave up on 'Lost' after Season Two, when we'd already had two whole years with no answers. When they introduced a new set of characters (from the tail section? Puh-lease!), it occurred to me that they were simply making the thing up as they went along and had absolutely no idea of where the 'story' was going or how to end it. In fact, the only thing I could think of that made any sense at that time was that everyone was already dead and they were all on some sort of island Purgatory. I wasn't the only one to reach this conclusion, but the makers assured everyone that they had a definite story with a definite ending and that 'they're all dead' wasn't it. Except, we've just found out that it was. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth on the internet forums: "You told us they weren't all dead!," wailed the idiots who'd wasted six and a half years of their life trying to make sense of this dreck. "We lied" said the producers. Less than a day later, and the AICN 'Lost' page has over three thousand comments. Hell hath no fury like a geek scorned...  

24th May '10 - I really wasn't going to subject myself to any more 'self-development' in my working life, as there is simply no point. Frankly, I'm sick to the back teeth of wasting my free time writing reports and dissertations in order to acquire more letters after my name. No-one in my organisation is the slightest bit interested in how suitable I may be for a senior management role, as apparently, I'm pegged as a 'trouble-maker' (in other words, I disagree with something if I know for a fact it won't work.)
 In the current climate, it's far easier for them to promote people who nod their head and agree with everything than someone who actually stands a chance of knowing what they're doing. Nevertheless, I have been tempted back to the paperwork once more, as the professional body to which I belong has just written to me and asked if I'd considered applying for Fellowship, and so, reluctantly, I am thinking about starting the ball rolling one final time. Partly because 'Fellow' is the pinnacle; the absolute top of the tree, but mostly because some more letters on my business card will piss off one or two of the self-appointed 'experts' within my organisation.
  Those that can, do, eh?

23rd May '10 - Wow. I want one. Click on 'Gallery' to see just how amazing this is.

22nd May '10 - Hearty congratulations to Blackpool on twice coming from behind to beat Cardiff 3 - 2 in the Championship Play-off Final this afternoon. A fantastic, end-to-end game for a neutral to watch...only I couldn't, because Rupert Murdoch had bought it. Never mind, I really get into footy when it's on the radio, and BBC Five Live did a blinder of a broadcast, which I had as the 'radio station' while I played 'Grand Theft Auto IV'. Looking forward to seeing how these guys get on next season. They look like they don't give a shit, which is always entertaining - especially against a top four side!

21st May '10 - If you can find them, I can thoroughly recommend these as an emergency measure for sorting out a boring pizza/curry/salad. A bit livelier than jalapenos, with a more 'up front' kick and a nice fruity after-bite. Top stuff!

20th May '10 - The one thing stopping me from buying a big fuck-off plasma telly is the fact that there's bugger-all on worth watching. It wouldn't even be worth it if I got a Blu-Ray player at the same time, either, as I only have two Blu-Ray discs at the moment. Oh well, I'll save my money. Or rather, I won't, as I don't have any...

19th May '10 - Did you hear Nick Clegg's speech today? Have a read of it here. I'm starting to get worried now. I'm not used to politicians making sense, and I'm certainly not used to them asking our opinions on how we'd like to be governed. Impressive, chap. I didn't vote for you (or your new best mate), but keep this up and I may be tempted. Then again, that twat Blair promised us the fucking Earth and look how that turned out. Also today, it was revealed that more legislation was stuffed onto the Statute books by Labour in the last thirteen years than was added from the time of William the Conqueror to 1997. Amazing. Yet the Jocks and the dossers are STILL voting for them! Wow!

18th May '10 - There are about two dozen background characters in the PC version of 'Grand Theft Auto IV', and the computer dresses them up in different outfits and sends them wandering around Liberty City as you play the game. This evening, I noticed that one of them looked the spitting image of someone I don't like very much, and it completely took me out of my immersion in the game. Instead of joining the McCready brothers in knocking off Liberty City Bank, I chose instead to wander round at random looking for this particular character and offing him in as many interesting and varied ways as possible.
  I spotted him sitting on a park bench having a chat, so I crept up behind him and shot him in the back of the head. There he was, crossing the road at the lights as I pulled up in a 4X4, so I ran him over. Down by the docks, I watched as he got into a boat and set off across the bay, which provided the perfect opportunity to try out my rocket-launcher.
  Fantastic fun! The only problem is, all my in-game 'friends' started to get so pissed off with me ignoring their phone calls that they began to blank me, which means I'll have to repeat some missions and build up their friendship again. Oh well, it was worth it to spend an evening killing the same git over and over again. The time when I pushed him onto the subway tracks was particularly fulfilling, especially as I managed to take all the money from his corpse once the train had gone...

17th May '10 - Aah, Rest Days once more! The Fishwife and I plan on dropping little 'un off at school and then having a day out. We shall do a bit of shopping, visit a museum and have a nice slap-up lunch somewhere. Should my daughter ever read this site some day, here's a message just for her: Look! We're having fun without you! Bwa-ha haa!

16th May '10 - Normally, I try to maintain a certain level of decorum on this site, so I apologise in advance for the scatological nature of what I'm about to say. Basically, I've had seven poos today. Seven. Not squitty rubbish, either; decent jobbies that were each worth the toilet time. Frankly, I don't know whether to be worried or proud. Still, all of them were curled out in work time, so that's a bit of a result...

14th May '10 - A mate of mine was telling me today about his experiences at 'Spearmint Rhino'. It may just be that I'm getting old, but it all sounded tacky, expensive and somewhat pointless. To be honest, I've never seen the point of lap-dancing clubs. You wouldn't got to a restaurant and pay to look at the food, would you? Have the courage of your convictions and hire a prostitute. It'll be cheaper...

13th May '10 - Within twelve hours of taking power, this new Con/Lib Government has scrapped the fourth runway at Heathrow, binned identity cards and torn up the plans for a national identity database. It looks like a machete is being taken to thirteen years of interfering Socialist meddling and about time too. More of this sort of thing, please..

12th May '10 - Well, I must confess, I'm very interested to see how a left-wing party masquerading as a centre party and a centre-left party masquerading as a right-wing party will get on as a ruling coalition. One thing's for sure though - it can't be any fucking worse than the last thirteen years...can it?

11th May '10 - Clever of Gordon Brown to get his wife and two young sons to publicly walk away from Downing Street with him one final time. He must've known that even the jaded old hacks of the Fleet Street mob wouldn't dare boo and tell him to fuck off with the missus and kids in tow. Aces! "Ding Dong the Witch is dead!"

10th May '10 - The 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy is now on Blu-Ray. I would be tempted were it not for the fact that this pretty much killed the thing for me and this buried the corpse and salted the earth around it. Oh well, never mind.

9th May '10 - Wolves 2 Sunderland 1. Great way to finish the season - another three points! This means we ended up with thirty-eight points from thirty-eight games. A point a match; not too bad an average, and better than the thirty-three that got us relegated in '04. Fifteenth out of twenty is still a couple of places above last (seventeenth - I'm not counting the relegation spots) and gives us something to build on next season. Well done to Super Mick and the boys! See you in August and enjoy the holiday - you've earned it!

8th May '10 - Is it just me, or is this new series of 'Doctor Who' is taking it's sweet time to get up to speed? This evening's 'space-fish vampires' one was about the best so far, but it was still a bit 'meh' and we're nearly halfway through the season. Come on, Moffat, you're better than this - pull your finger out! And if you can't, can you please put the redhead back in the policewoman kissogram outfit?

7th May '10 - A-a-and Britain wakes up to a hung Parliament. Hope you enjoyed voting, monkeys, because you'll all get to do it again within a few months, Even the dole-scroungers of Barking, who returned Margaret Hodge with a majority of over sixteen thousand. There are millions of children starving in the Third World and I now know the solution. Soylent Green. Made in Barking. Even more astounding are the people of Brighton, who have returned the nation's first ever Green MP in their ward. I've long thought the entire population of Brighton consisted of lesbians and idiots and there's my proof. When are we going to get a 'none of the above' box added to our voting slips? My God, we need it!

6th May '10 - It shames me to say that I must have broken some sort of record in 'Yo Sushi!' this afternoon. Sixteen bowls. And two bottles of Asahi. Fat, greedy bastard...

5th May '10 - George Galloway came past our place on an open-topped bus this afternoon, spouting some lefty bollocks through a megaphone. I was halfway down a rather nice pastry at the time and had a sudden urge to share it with the old bastard, so I did. Sadly, my aim was way off and it merely clipped one of the upper windows...

4th May '10 - Back to work after the most lazy and self-indulgent Bank Holiday ever. Basically, I got up, played 'Grand Theft Auto IV' until it went dark, had a bath and went back to bed. When I win the Lottery, you can forget all about cruises and foreign holidays, this will be the way I spend my time and money. A big fuck-off games room with a bed in the middle. Oh, and a barrel of Enville Ale within reaching distance. And a fizzy pig dispenser. That is all.

2nd May '10 - The makers of 'Lost' have come out with an announcement ahead of the Season Six finale; a four hour 'epic' that will end the whole thing once and for all. Apparently, the finale "Will generate a tremendous amount of theorizing" (sic) and that "There's no way to end the show where the fans aren't going to say, 'What did they mean by this?' Which is why we're not going to explain it." Roughly translated, this means they haven't got a fucking clue how to wrap it up, as they've simply been writing it on the hoof for the last five years and you sad fuckers have wasted half a decade of your life following this made-up-as-they-go-along bollocks. I think there are going to be some awfully pissed-off fanboys out there next week...

1st May '10 - Portsmouth 3 Wolves 1. Crap. Utter crap. Mick obviously decided to give Ebanks-Blake one last roll of the dice and, predictably, the boy mad a complete chimp's fist of it. Missed a sitter, poked it wide twice and generally had a mare of a game. Iwelumo wasn't much better, either. Why Sam Vokes isn't given a start, I'll never know. Nenad Millijas, too. Come on, Mick, ring the changes for the Sunderland game - then get some of the dead wood on the transfer list! Looking at you, Sylvan!

30th April '10 - It's five in the morning and I'm just about to set off for work. Three weeks into my new life in my new unit and everyone is joining me for a drink after work this evening. Team spirit and camaraderie. I think I just about remember that. It's also a Bank Holiday weekend, and since I was stripped from the shift pattern and put on 'conditioned hours' (made to work the odd weekend and given days off instead of money), I am no longer required to be on duty. Given the cuts that will undoubtedly come following the General Election, I am merely the vanguard of this new approach. Everyone will be losing Premium Rates soon, I'm thinking.
  The brutal reality is that this move from my old department at the Elephant & Castle will end up costing me around seven grand a year. Frankly, it's worth every fucking bean.

29th April '10 -  See this? You're nowhere near man enough. This is awesome!

28th April '10 - Is there really any point in Gordon Brown touring the country promoting the new Labour Party Manifesto given the fact that he blatantly lied through his teeth with the contents of the last one? Remember the promise of a referendum on the EU Treaty? No? I do, Gordon. So do millions of others. We also remember iDave's 'cast-iron' guarantee on it, too; conveniently forgotten once the damn thing was ratified. As for the other joker, well, I neither know nor care what he says or thinks about anything. In fact the only thing I can conclusively remember about the Limp Damps is that one of them went cross-eyed through nobbing a Cheeky Girl. Welcome to British Politics in the Twenty-First Century. God help us all...

27th April '10 - Grasping trinket-peddler Steve Jobs has defended Apple's decision to leave Adobe Flash off the iPad by saying it was made for the era of "PCs and mice" and performed poorly when translated to run on touchscreen and hand-held devices. Hmm. Nothing about Flash allowing access to millions of free applications and gadgets that the idiot Apple punters could otherwise be forced to pay for by not including it, eh Steve?

26th April '10 - I don't believe this. Lambeth Council have done it again. As I walked to the bus-stop this morning, I noticed a new set of speed-bumps, freshly laid at the weekend, all along the road that runs along the top of the common. The road that for ages has been a notorious red light district. This particular rat-run has, over the years, had the bus-shelters removed (too convenient), had 'No Kerb Crawling' signs plastered to every lamp-post and finally, in a last ditch attempt to deter the unfazed Toms, had a truckload of expensive C.C.T.V. installed. Over the last few months, I'd noticed a difference. Less knackered-looking Lily Savage clones prowling around as I walked to the bus at half five in the morning, less used nodders on the pavement - that sort of thing. Now Lambeth Council have stuck up a load of 'Twenty's Plenty' signs and put the humps in, all the cars will be forced to slow down by law, thus giving potential punters plenty of time to pick the girl of their choice, make eye contact and indicate a suitable side road to discuss business. It's not just me, is it? Am I the only sane person left in this city or what? Hello?

25th April '10 - After a lovely warm sunny week, it was much chillier here in London this morning, meaning it managed to piss it down just in time to thoroughly soak all those idiots starting the London Marathon. I cannot tell you how happy this made me, for I utterly despise joggers. Every morning at a quarter to six as I stroll the half-mile to my bus-stop, I encounter hoards of them pounding their way around the common with their sweaty faces and pained expressions, so the thought of them suffering month after month of this for their 'big day', only to have to endure it in the abject misery of cold wet clothing, puts a big old smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against exercise (I spent my Twenties pumping some serious iron), it's just these clowns who push themselves through 'the wall'; who run so much they are physically in pain. and then act all superior about their training 'regime' really tune me up. Yes, you're fitter than me and yes, you'll probably live longer. Though it will be a matter of a year or two at most and all of it spent in constant screaming agony from your arthritic joints...

24th April '10 - Wolves 1 Blackburn 1. Only two games to go now, and, dare I say it, we look as if we're safe. Burnley need to win their three remaining games against Liverpool, Birmingham and Spurs (and they've not won three on the bounce all season), while Hull need to beat Wigan and Liverpool and rack up twenty four goals in the process. Yeah, I'll take that...

23rd April '10 - St. George's Day once more. Another opportunity to wear my white 'crusader' shirt with the huge red cross on, another opportunity to see just how indifferent the sheeple are. My new job involves me hitting Liverpool Street Station every day. Today, out of curiosity, I passed through twice, just to see how my fellow countrymen were marking the day. I saw one other bloke wearing the colours. Just one. During the rest of my journeys, I saw a grand total of four England flags. Four, in the capital city of England on its patron saint's feast day. The final straw came when one person asked me if there was a match on tonight. I give up. You obviously much prefer the Irish patron saint, and that's understandable. Get used to seeing green and white flags in England a lot more over the next generation or so, as this one is getting more popular by the day...

22nd April '10 - Just acquired the new 'Grand Theft Auto' add-ons for GTA IV on the PC. Awesome! However, there is a very real danger when playing this game for any length of time, as it tends to distort your perspective; especially when one lives and works in London. You spend all day wandering the streets with people jostling you and shouting, until it comes to the point where you snap, pull out a flame-thrower, barbecue the whole bloody lot of 'em and drive a stolen 4x4 over their ashen remains. That's the game, by the way, not living in London, although the lines can occasionally get blurred in Hackney on a Saturday evening...

21st April '10 - My apologies for yesterday's Tourette's-driven outburst. It kind of got away from me a little while I was typing it...

20th April '10 - Memo to Lambeth Council: Instead of adding more fucking speed bumps to Mitcham fucking Lane, why not use some of the fucking building material you've got heaped by the side of the fucking road to fill in some of the fucking potholes that are fucking dotted about like fucking mortar craters every twenty bastard yards? I mean, I enjoy a game of 'Colin McRae's Dirt 2' as much as the next fucker, but I'd rather play with it with a fucking joypad in front of the fucking telly and not in a fucking ten year old Fiat fucking Punto every time I make my way back from fucking Croydon. Alternatively - and this is a bit fucking radical, you understand - if you find yourselves with some of our fucking money left over every fucking March, how about GIVING IT FUCKING BACK instead of looking for fucking shit to waste it on that no fucker has asked for? I'm talking about the new fucking paving slabs with underfloor fucking lighting and spindly fucking 'trees' you've added all the fucking way up Streatham fucking High Road; not to mention the all-glass fucking bus shelters with the fucking life expectancy of a fucking mayfly, you bunch of fucking fuckers.

19th April '10 - I'm on Rest Days again. Actually, they're not 'Rest Days' per se, as I'm no longer on a shift; they're 'days off' due to my new contract forcing me to work one weekend in four and take time off on the Monday and Tuesday following. In addition, my hours have gone from eight to nine a day, which means that, when all the added hours are totted up, there is enough to have another two 'Rest Days' at the end of the fourth week of this new four-week 'non-shift' shift pattern. So basically, I now work a seven day week followed by a three day week, then a five day week followed by another three day week before starting all over again. Very civilised. We like!

18th April '10 - Apparently, everyone was really impressed with the yellow cow on the telly the other night and that's the cow that everybody wants. I suspect this is more to do with the fact that the yellow cow is neither the red cow nor the blue cow than the quality and content of its mooing.

17th April '10 - Fulham 0 Wolves 0. I believe this has formally been recognised as the most boring game since the Premiership began, as there was just one shot on target from either side in the entire ninety minutes. They had their Europa League semi-final to worry about on Thursday and we were locked up tighter than  a very tight thing down to its last quid with a week to payday. Dull and uninspired stuff from two teams with sod-all to play for. They're safe and, after this, I would hazard that we are, too, unless we lose our final three games and Burnley and Hull win all of theirs. Stranger things have happened, though, so roll on Blackburn next week...

16th April '10 - Judging by the party political broadcast I've just seen online, it would appear that Eddie Izzard is still very much a Labour supporter. Nice to see he's kept his sense of humour over the last thirteen years, isn't it? Then again, if I had his money, I'd probably think it was all a bit of a laugh, too...

15th April '10 - There was an hour and a half of live broadcast this evening. Bizarre concept - what they'd done was dress three cows up in three different coloured outfits and got them to stand there mooing at the camera. The red cow (an Aberdeen Angus by the look of it) had a low, unconvincing, miserable sort of moo, whereas the blue cow had a more urgent, upbeat sort of moo. The red cow didn't like it when the blue cow mooed and kept trying to moo over it. Curiously, on the occasions when both of them were mooing at the same time, I found it hard to tell one from the other. There was another cow there, too; a yellow one. One minute the yellow cow tried to sound like the blue cow and the next it tried to sound like the red one. For the most part, the red and blue cows ignored it and carried on mooing between themselves.  To be honest, I got bored after a while and went to play 'Mass Effect 2' instead...

14th April '10 - I have now perfected the travel arrangements to and from my new job, and all it requires is me having to get up half an hour earlier. That may sound like a ball-ache, but bear with me, because it pans out beautifully. Observe:
  I catch the bus I've always caught, but instead of getting a paper to while away the journey, I can simply go to sleep for the entire trip, safe in the knowledge that the terminus is exactly where I need to be. I wake up at Liverpool Street Station and step off right in front of a Costa Coffee. I order a nice skinny vanilla latte (ponce) while I wait for my second bus - in the stand next to the one I just left - and then I sip my lovely beverage for the nine minute journey to the new base before getting off, alert, relaxed and ready for the day.
  Coming home, when things are a bit busier on the roads, I simply get the tube - which is right next door to work - take three stops to Bank, change to the Northern Line and sleep all the way back to Tooting Bec. Bloody hell, this is marvellous!

12th April '10 - First day at work in the new job at the new venue. We walked into a room piled high with furniture from the previous occupants. By the end of the day, we had three digital download suites up and running, three linked computer systems, phone lines, fax, printer and copier. We even got the tea-club sorted, too. I think it's going to be the start of a beautiful relationship between me and the East End...

11th April '10 - Wolves 0 Stoke 0. A game where only two players ever got a mention on the commentary. Rory Delap doing his usual mighty throw-ins for them and Marcus Hahnemann doing his usual awesomeness in front of goal for us. A pig-ugly game, utterly forgettable, but another point in the bag, meaning we're now six points clear of the drop zone with four games left. Looking good...

10th April '10 - Today I had a bet on the Grand National, as I was sure I'd spotted an omen. I start my new job on Monday in a building located in a place called Eric Street. Imagine my amazement when I spotted that one of the horses in this year's race was called 'Eric's Charm'. That was enough for me. It was obviously, as I said, an omen. I stuck twenty quid on it at forty to one. Guess what the first faller this year was at the first bastard fence? Lady Luck is a spiteful cow.

9th April '10 - So Lenny Henry and Dawn French have decided to file for divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. Apparently, they'd been sleeping in separate beds for quite some time before the split. Not because of any animosity, but because poor old Len was sick of trying to sleep with his arse hanging off the edge of the mattress...

8th April '10 - Off for a brief sojourn in sunny Wolverhampton. I might try and get a ticket for the Stoke match on Sunday. Then again, I may just have a lie-in with the the papers and several cups of tea instead. Who knows? Who cares?

7th April '10 - Gordon Brown's very last Prime Minister's Question Time (we hope). How iDave refrained from asking the one question we all want answered, I'll never know. I for one would've loved to have heard him come out with "so why didn't you fuck off sooner, seeing as everyone hates you?", but alas, it was not to be...

6th April '10 - After seeing Lady Gaga's new video while bored out of my skull on Nights this week, I am forced to confess that I was wrong in alleging that she was, in fact, a man. The spends most of the video in a micro bikini or, at one point, some police 'crime scene' tape and I could clearly see that she had hips. So, sorry Lada Gaga, I humbly admit I was wrong. You are not a man at all. Just a fucking ugly bird.

5th April '10 - I would like to recommend that everyone has a go at playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' from the wrong end of a bottle of Shiraz-Cabernet. Huge fun. I was all over the shop. Fell off my own roof twice...

4th April '10 - Well, I have to admit I quite like the new Doctor Who. He's quirky, fun and I thinks he works a treat. The opening story was typical filler, though. I'm looking forward to see what Matt Smith can do with a real script; like a two-part Steven Moffat 'Weeping Angels' one, which we'll be getting in a couple of weeks. I like the new assistant, too. Shame she won't be keeping that policewoman kissogram outfit, though. Grrr!

3rd April '10 - Arsenal 1 Wolves 0. Cheated. By sixty thousand screaming Gooners and a shit referee. This was the same one who sent Wardo off for a nothing challenge on Gerrard in the Liverpool game on Boxing Day. He flashed the red card at Karl Henry here for what was, at best, a yellow, simply because all the Arsenal players and fans shouted at him to do so, the spineless fuck. Even with ten men, we showed enough grit and determination to snatch a point from this, until the twat in black found five minutes of added time from somewhere and Arsenal planted a lucky one in the ninety-fifth. Never mind though, Hull lost, Burnley got slaughtered and West Ham have Man City tomorrow. We can still get away with this!

2nd April '10 - The latest opinion polls put David Cameron a mere eight points ahead of Gordon Brown. Eight points. Against the biggest tube to infect Downing Street since Jim Callahan. As we still don't know what Cameron and his Blu-Labour party stand for a mere five weeks from the General Election, I can only conclude that Dave is eight points up purely by virtue of the fact that he's not Gordon. By that rationale, can I encourage you all to vote for me? I ought to be twenty points ahead in no time at all seeing as I'm neither of them. What do I stand for? The abolition of every single Government quango with the money used to subsidise free beer every Friday, and an extra Bank Holiday on Trafalgar Day. Vote Fish! You've never had it so good!

1st April '10 - There were a few April Fool gags winging their way around cyberspace this morning, but by far the best was this one from 'The Guardian'. When we've reached the stage where a lefty rag of that magnitude starts taking the piss out of a serving Labour Prime Minister, it really is time for a radical change of Government. Sadly, there isn't one available...

31st March '10 - I read voraciously. News items mainly, and since my reading includes many, many internet sites, it can sometimes be a week or so before I get to a story. Trawling through the 'Times Online' site today, I found this post from a fortnight ago, which caused me to spray tea all over my monitor. Read the headline, then look at the name of the reporter...

30th March '10 - It's a full moon tonight, and I plan to try some of this 'Cosmic Ordering' that Noel Edmonds swears by. Apparently, what you do is light three candles, wish joy to the world and then 'order up' three things that you'd like the power of the cosmos to grant you. A few years ago, Noel, bless him, was in the doldrums. He read about this, tried it, and wished for a new career, a new woman and something else which he didn't get. Two out of three ain't bad, as a certain fat Yank nutcase once opined, so I'm going to make it even easier for the celestial powers to sort by going out tonight and asking them for no more Noel Edmonds, no more Noel Edmonds and no more Noel Edmonds.

29th March '10 - Two howling Islamist fruitcakes - female this time - have blown themselves to ragged shreds along with thirty-eight other poor fuckers on the Moscow Metro underground system today. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin swiftly promised to 'do everything to find and punish the criminals', while Pesident Dmitry Medvedev has vowed to 'destroy' the 'beasts' responsible for planning the outrage. Hmm. Not the most enlightened of thinking there, chaps. What you need to do is to reach out to the local Muslim 'community' and engage with their 'spiritual leaders' in order to move forward together in a mutual spirit of cooperation and understanding like we do over here. You could even pay them benefits to preach hatred against you, too, if you want to appear really progressive...

28th March '10 - Scoping out the movie sites recently, I discovered that The Rock has made a kids film where he becomes, and I shit you not, the Tooth Fairy. After seeing Vin Diesel in 'The Pacifier' recently, I can only assume that the two of them are having some sort of bizarre wager between themselves on who can a) fuck up their career the most and b) look the gayest. For my money, Vin's just about edging it. Just...

27th March '10 - Wolves 0 Everton 0. Lovely. I'll take a point off these boys any time. Burnley lost, West Ham lost and we look in good enough shape to get away with the inevitable whupping that we're going to get off Arsenal next Saturday. The BBC Sport website has a predictor page to see where your team will end the season. Go here and have a play. My calculations see us finishing in sixteenth on thirty-seven points - and that was me being cautious and ultra-realistic with the predictions. Hope it's a fairly accurate assessment!

26th March '10 - One final comment on our Senior Management, then I'll drop the subject and go back to important stuff like commenting on the Wolves. As you read the post below this one, bear in mind that the lowest paid member of the people sitting round the table that came up with this monumental bit of pro-active thinking is pulling down about seventy-four grand a year of public money. Before any bonuses, that is...

25th March '10 - The Management announced today that, upon moving to our new teams next month, we will no longer have our own purpose-built van full of expensive specialist equipment. No, we will be 'hot-vanning'. This is so they can give back some their hire vans and 're-allocate' our purpose-built vans full of expensive specialist equipment to those people (not on our unit and not doing our job) who are currently renting. This is being done to save money. Our SMT like saving money, which is why none of them ever pick up 'productivity' bonuses at the end of the financial year which happens every...why, now, as it happens, but I digress.
  Anyway, for those of you who haven't figured it out, 'hot-vanning' is where the bloke doing Early Shift hands over his keys to the bloke on Lates, meaning the van is always in use (and therefore 'productive') as there is no wasteful downtime. Fair enough, and very laudable, but these are not runarounds or 'pool' cars, we are talking about, they are purpose-built vans full of expensive specialist equipment. Each one has been retro coach-fitted with a huge 177A marine battery that require a seventy-two hour charge every two to three weeks. This is because, and I'm sorry to labour the point, they are purpose-built vans full of expensive specialist equipment.
  Currently, being personal issue, the vans get charged on the Rest Days of our shift pattern. Next month, they won't be having that luxury, which means that within a few months, none of the expensive specialist equipment will be working anymore. However, by then all the bonuses will have been paid, the skiing holidays booked and it will be a problem for a new financial year, which I'm sure they'll be able to resolve in time for another bonus.
  Meanwhile, we start walking off jobs halfway through in order to get the van back to pass on to the bloke on the next shift and our customers start going bat-shit and calling us everything under the sun for our work-to-rule attitude. Well, at least this unpleasantness will only be for a few months or so. After that, all the vans will be dead...

24th March '10 - I think some people at work are under the impression that I'm putting something of a brave face on my impending enforced move to Mile End. Allow me to illustrate a couple of points. Everyone I've spoken to at the East London base thinks it's great. A happy little unit full of nice people whose Senior Managers tend to stay out of the way and let them get on with their jobs. They genuinely appear to love working there. By contrast, everyone at my previous campus thinks it's a shit-hole run by morons. Draw your own conclusions...

23rd March '10 - West Ham 1 Wolves 3. Apart from conceding in the third minute of injury time, this was pretty much the best game we've ever had in the Premiership. Rock solid from beginning to end and three superb goals mean that we've now picked up seven points in three away games and are seven points off the drop zone with seven games to go. Lucky sevens? Believe it!

22nd March '10 - So the Camerons have announced they're going to have another baby. Marvellous. In this nonebrity-obsessed society of ours, that's obviously the election in the bag for Dave then, isn't it? Never mind any actual policies or ideas for running the country; simply announce the fact that your missus is up the duff and it's wall to wall 'OK' and 'Hello' coverage from now until May. Obviously nobody cares about the non-existent contents of the Tory manifesto when there's the contents of Dave's nutsack to be discussed, right? Jesus, this country makes me sick...

21st March '10 - Last time Wolves beat West Ham at Upton Park was in March 1978. Kate Bush was number one with 'Wuthering Heights'. Let's hope the fat lady is singing again on Tuesday night, shall we?

20th March '10 - Aston Villa 2 Wolves 2. And we were so close to nicking all three points, too, after a fairly average performance from Martin O'Neill's one-man team. Eight games left and an absolutely massive game on Tuesday night away at West Ham. Pompey are gone and Burnley look shonky. We have to make sure that either Hull or West Ham take that last slot and not us! Come on, me babbies!

18th March '10 - I had a wonderful time at work today. In preparation for moving across to East London, I've been clearing my desk; going through all my old files and, for the most part, ripping them up and stuffing them in the bin. Certificates from fifteen years of meaningless mandatory in-house courses? Bin. A folder full of examples of work for an accreditation that was scrapped after we'd spent a hundred grand on it? Bin. Course notes and instructive scenarios from the 'Leadership for Managers' programme that I've never been able to refer to because the managers here have always been baffled by the concept af leadership? Bin. Inch-thick 'National Competency Framework Model' dossier designed to ensure you have the best people for the job? Bin. Reams of 'Professional Development' paperwork which, now I come to think of it, managed to get the person I was doing it for promoted. Bin.
  In the end, I managed to get a groaning desk and two full drawers down to a packing crate and a half. Brilliant! More room on the new desk for some proper photos of my girls. These are the things that matter. In terms of 'getting on', I've realised after twenty years that the only way to do so is to kiss arse and/or have the same handshake as the Boaz Boys. Nah, sorry. Not interested. I'll stick with 'knowing what I'm doing and maintaining my integrity'. Works for me...

17th March '10 - What was the point in deducting nine points from Portsmouth now? Surely it would've been a more appropriate penalty for going into administration to have made them start next season in the Fizzy Pop league on minus nine? I mean, they were relegated anyway, weren't they, so where's the punishment?

15th March '10 - It's just been announced that a Member of Parliament (Ashok Kumar, Middlesborough) has been found dead. One down, six hundred and forty-five to go...

14th March '10 - The whole point of this website is...well, there isn't one. It's sole purpose is for me to have a good bleat about whatever is getting on my tits or to highlight something I feel is of interest. Pretty pointless, I'm sure you'll agree. However, I recently came across a bloke who is taking the idea of pointless websites to a whole new level. Basically, what he does is...tell you what, just click here. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

13th March '10 - Burnley 1 Wolves 2. All those weeks where I've moaned that we never, ever get a stroke of luck and everything goes right for us today. Somehow, we kept a battling Burnley at bay with the help of an own goal, but best of all, everyone around us that we needed to lose did. West Ham went down at Chelsea and Hull lost to Arsenal, though both games were touch and go for a while. We now have a sliver of daylight - fourth from bottom with a three point gap. Unfortunately, it's Villa next. This season is going to go right to the wire...

12th March '10 - Figures released by the NHS today show that self-harming has risen by almost fifty per-cent in the last five years. I can't understand this. I have never been so full of impotent rage that I felt the urge to drag a razor up my arm. Somebody else's arm, sure. Or throat. In my day, the maxim of the aggrieved was 'Don't get mad, get even.' Sadly, in these touchy-feely Socialist times, we appear to have replaced it with 'Don't get even, go mad.'

11th March '10 - It's a good job I'm off work at the moment as my rechargeable trimmer died halfway through shaving my head this morning. I've just stuck it on charge, so for the next few hours I'll be sitting here with a head like a warthog's wankshaft and hoping the postman doesn't ring the buzzer...

10th March '10 - Well, that wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Today, I got to the hospital at quarter past eight and was twelfth in the queue. I was in, drained and out again by five to nine. When I left the nurse's room, there were dozens of people packed into the waiting room. What do they do with all this blood? I can only assume that black pudding is on the in-patient lunch menu every day...

9th March '10 - At the moment, I have to pop along to the hospital every six weeks to give an armful of blood so that my consultant can examine the results and recommend that I give up a few more things I enjoy. This requires me to abstain from eating or drinking from eight o'clock the previous evening until whatever time the nurse removes the needle. There's always a queue for blood tests at my hospital, no matter what time I go. Today was the worst I've ever seen it. I got there fifteen minutes before the room opened to find a veritable sea of humanity from all walks of life. Some of them even looked English. I took my ticket from the machine on the wall. It said 'B13'. I looked at the display hanging from the ceiling. It said 'A01'. I crumpled the ticket up and went to find something to eat. I now know why they have restaurants in hospitals. I will try again tomorrow when it's not 'ante-natal day'. Fucksocks.

8th March '10 - I'm typing this before I go to bed after my penultimate run of Nights. Just before I left, I emailed my new boss (and his boss) with a full and detailed breakdown of the numbers of staff that they will be inheriting next month, together with statistical breakdowns of current workflow (with a staff of forty-six) and projected workflow after April (with a staff of thirty-two). I helpfully added percentages (an increase of 63%) to illustrate my findings. Just to round things off, I let them know exactly what the person responsible for 'facilitating the change in service delivery and devolvement to the new areas' had done with more than six months of preparation time (this particular part of the write-up didn't take very long at all.)
  Strangely, they seem to be under the impression that they will be getting a working unit next month, the poor, blind fools, which is why I took the time and trouble to put them straight. With Venn diagrams. I now have a whole week off. Lovely.

7th March '10 - Woo Hoo! Fantastic news! The production company behind the excellent 'Rome' and 'Deadwood' have just announced their latest project. None other than my favourite series of books, George R.R. Martin's 'A Game of Thrones'. How brilliant is that? For those of you who've never heard of it, it's a fantasy series. Only it's less about magic and dragons (though there are both in it) and more about plotting, intrigue and murder. Given who's making it, they won't be skimpng on the gratuitous nudity and shocking violence, either. Can't. Fucking. Wait!

6th March '10 - Wolves 0 Man Utd 1. Great performance again. No points again. However, and I've said this before, if we keep playing like this, we should be alright. In all fairness, we should've come away with a point, it's just that Sam Vokes had a Mr. Blobby moment in front of an open goal and skyed it from two yards out. Next match is Burnley, and I reckon this will decide our season. Win and we should retain the belief and confidence to stay up. Lose and it's fizzy pop time. Mick, it's over to you...

5th March '10 - Scientists have finally, conclusively agreed that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a meteorite the size of the Isle of Wight. Frankly, I'd like to see the Isle of Wight wiped out by a meteorite the size of a dinosaur.

4th March '10 - Just about to begin my last-but-one-ever set of Nights, and thought you might like a quick breakdown of the staff available to me for the next few evenings. I have one of my troops on annual leave, one on maternity, one off long-term mad and two off with man-flu'. This leaves me with a grand total of...er...me. The current staffing-levels derive from a shift designed around an operational pool of forty-six staff. Next month, on the lovingly-designed (read: cobbled together on the back of a fag packet) new shift, we drop down to thirty-two. Like I said, someone's going to look very, very silly come April...

3rd March '10 - After a bit of fun and games under the living room rug this evening, it is my sad duty to report that Mickey is no longer with us. Anyone wishing to pay their respects can do so by means of a candle-lit vigil outside my house, at least until Friday when the binmen come...

2nd March '10 - It has just been announced on the radio that a convicted paedophile has been found hanged in his cell at Wandworth Prison. Apparently, all attempts to resuscitate him failed. I'm hoping this involved vigorously pulling on his ankles..

1st March '10 - Cracked up today reading that the Conservatives are now only two points ahead of Gordon Brown, the most clueless and unpopular PM since...well, ever. David Cameron should be fucking light years ahead at this point, but he really doesn't appear to get it. We simply don't want another Tony Blair, much as Dave has spent the last decade trying to be one. He has already shown himself to be a liar (that 'cast iron' guarantee on a referendum), he can't categorically say what he stands for (it certainly isn't Conservatism) and he is spending all his time chasing marginal votes whilst simultaneously ignoring his traditional supporters. Basically, his entire campaign appears to be 'vote for me, it's time for a change'. I suspect most people are, like me,  looking at him and wondering what exactly this 'change' will be, apart from an entirely new bunch of out-of-touch big Government chancers spending my money to tell me what to do. Change? I can't spot it. Personally, I'm half-toying with the idea of voting Labour. Gordon made this bed and I for one would like to see him lie in it for a bit. In reality, I suspect it won't make a blind bit of difference who gets in, as the IMF will be parachuted in to take control of things within a year anyway. Then, we might be able to do away with this two-and-a-half party bun-fight that we've had to put up with since the last war and clear the decks for a proper constitution. As long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a Maserati...

28th February '10 - Mind-crushingly dull nonebrity Peaches Geldof (the spoilt, idiot child of a spoilt, idiot mother) posted 'provocative' photos of herself dressed as a French maid on her own website, and then immediately went out of her way to point out that she doesn't actively try to appeal to men. Job done then, you pig-ugly little shunter.

27th February '10 - Bolton 1 Wolves 0. A game we absolutely had to win. Or draw at least. So what did we do? Exactly. The most worrying thing for me was seeing what Mick McCarthy did when it became obvious that playing Doyle on his own up front simply wasn't working. 'What did he do?', I hear you cry. 'What genius bit of tactical wizardry did he employ?' Took chief playmaker Foley off and put bloody Ebanks-Blake on instead. We're just out of the drop-zone on goal difference alone and we've got Man Utd next. God help us...

26th February '10 - I'm posting this early. Very early in fact, as I'm off to The Intrepid Fox for an ale or three after work. I'm kind of depressed as I type this because it's just dawned on me that an evening at the 'Fox has now become 'an event'. Something to look forward to (and I have been - my mate Jesus and I have been planning this for weeks.) This is unbelievably sad, as ten years ago, it was pretty much the default setting for the nearest Friday to payday. What used to be a simple exchange of "Fox Friday?" "Of course" has now become something that requires a juggling of diaries, notice to be given and confirmation of the issuing of a 'pink pass' from the respective LWOs (Lawful Wedded Opponents). That things have come to this for two valiant young blades such as we...

25th February '10 - We, the British taxpayers, bailed out The Royal Bank of Scotland (without our consent) after it 'lost' £24 billion on 2008 and now own 84% of it. It has just posted further losses of £3.6 billion for 2009. However, it has also announced that it will be paying out staff bonuses of £1.3 billion. I only got a Grade B 'O' level in Maths, so perhaps one of you clever people can explain this to me...

23rd February '10 - It's almost a joy to roll in to work every morning now, knowing that in a few short weeks I won't have to set foot in the place ever again. It's hilarious watching people speculate and second guess about where they will be going in the upcoming staff moves (they did us 'foreman' grades first) and watching them scratch their heads trying to figure out how the new shift pattern can be made to work with the number of people available to work it. It can't, but we've all given up trying to tell the management this as they made up their minds that it was happening (whether it worked or not) a long time ago. Here's a quick insight into the managerial thought processes in our place:

"Right, what's the minimum number of staff we need on each area to run a four-tier, 24/7 shift pattern?"

"Erm...eight."

"Ok, so given that our operational baseline for covering four seperate shifts is eight per area, and the fact that on top of this we need to allow for rostered rest days, annual leave, sickness, flexible-working, primary carers, pregnancies, training and other unforeseen abstractions, how many people shall we actually put on it?"

"Erm...eight."

   The funniest part for me is in the management's apparent assumption that when things go 'live' on the 12th of April (and, inevitably, tits up on the 13th), it will be down to me and the other three lower-middle-management drones to sort out. Sorry, but I don't think it will. You see, the four of us have been taken off our own team's shift patterns (and indeed, off shifts altogether), which means we will no longer have any real operational overview of what our team (or any other team) is actually doing at any given time. This will effectively rendered us incapable of making any informed decisions around such trivial matters as our own staff's operational deployment. Unfortunately, the management don't appear to have grasped this yet. Personally, I'd love - just love -  to help make all this work, I really would. And I'm damn sure that I could, too. It's precisely the sort of in-depth organisational challenge that the NVQ in Management I spent a whole year acquiring prepared me for, which is why I eagerly applied for both the Operations Manager role AND the Change Manager role the moment they were advertised. Sadly, I wasn't deemed good enough for either, so there's not really a great deal I can do to sort out the forthcoming problems. Therefore, at five past four every afternoon, I will be sitting on the bus home at just about the time when people will be scratching their heads and wondering why there's nobody available for Lates. Somebody, I suspect, is going to be doing an awful lot of explaining to some very senior people come April. Fortunately, it won't be your Uncle Bill. Like I said, it's a hoot turning up in the mornings at the moment...

22nd February '10 - It is with heavy heart that I have to inform you that I have noe finished both episodes of 'Bioshock'. A crying shame, as they were nothing short of gaming brilliance. Whatever am I going to do with my evenings now? Oh yes, I know...

21st February '10 - The mouse is back. Well, obviously not the original mouse, as he went to the great skirting board in the sky a long time ago, as did his wife. No, last night brought a new round of scratching and scrabbling for the first time in two years, so I flicked on the light and had a poke behind the wardrobe and out shot Mickey. Twenty minutes later, I had Polyfilla'd the hole I found next to the radiator and laid down a couple of glue traps. Tonight, before I go to bed, I will be filling the washing-up bowl with six inches of lovely cold water, and should young Michael decide to make another appearance, he'll be off for a midnight swim...

20th February '10 - Wolves 0 Chelsea 2. If we played like this against every side we came up against, I'd have absolutely no cause to complain. Two goals from Drogba ensured the Blues walked away with the points, but it was far from certain, particulary in the second half when we were one-nil down and all over them. As is to be expected, it was the quality of the finishing that seperated the two teams, and Chelsea are the top team in the Prem. They took their chances and we didn't, but the chances were there and we have plenty of games coming up against teams who aren't Chelsea, where this sort of industry and effort should result in a goal or two. Carry on playing like this and there's no reason why we can't stay up.

19th February '10 - Found this on one of the blogger's links. For anyone despising Apple as much as I do, it's a mine of juicy information to throw back at those self-satisfied dicks you know who are constantly banging on about how wonderful their iProduct is...

18th February '10 - There is a new series being plugged on the telly as I type this, all about the continuing adventures of everybody's favourite comedy balloon, Jordan. It's apparently called 'What Katie Did Next'. Sadly however, unless the answer to that rhetorical question is 'Set Fire To Her Head' or 'Drank Aconite', I'm unlikely to find myself tuning in...

17th February '10 - With a General Election looming in front of us like a turd in a swimming pool, we're starting to see frighteningly airbrushed David Cameron posters popping up all over the shop here in sunny Londonistan. So far, so tedious; yet some genius has come along and provided a 'spoof your own' site, and it's a scream! I've had loads of fun sodding about with it. Have a go yourself here. Now if only someone would do one for Gordon...

16th February '10 - Went for a look round my new premises today and had a long chat with my new boss over a coffee. I must admit, when they first told me I was being turfed out of the place where I'd worked for twenty years and sent to East London, I was hurt and a little angry. Now I've spoken in length with my new boss (and his boss), I'm typing this with a big shit-eating grin on my face.
  Basically, what I was told was 'make your role whatever you want - build, train and run it as you please'. Fantastic! For the first time in my career, there'll be no-one else taking credit for my work and getting themselves promoted on the back of my (and my colleagues') efforts. I will get out exactly what I put in. How refreshing! I think I'm going to enjoy this...

14th February '10 - Aah, Valentine's Day once more. The girls are away for the week; it being half-term leaving me all alone wit a new computer and 'Bioshock 2'. Basically, if you play games, then this is the (Big) Daddy. It will no doubt be the top PS3 game of 2010, but if you play it on your Sony; know this: it'll be about a third as sexy as it looks on my PC. Suffer quietly, console monkeys...

13th February '10 - ...and if we're talking about re-educating ourselves in terms of music, how about a bit of Alison Goldfrapp? Ye Gods, this woman is hot...

12th February '10 - I used to think I had a pretty comprehensive knowledge of the history of rock 'n roll. Turns out I was misinformed. The Fishwife has been watching this thing on the telly lately; all about reality TV-types trying to pass themselves off as opera singers. Only someone decided to add a certain Marcy Levy into the mix. Marcy Levy (for those of you who don't know your rock 'n roll history - 'me' until yesterday) has a farily well documented career in this particular field. For one, she supplied backing vocals for Bob Seger and Alice Cooper in the mid-Seventies; and for another, she co-wrote (and sang on) the Eric Clapton classic 'Lay Down Sally'. Oh, and for an encore, she re-invented herself as Marcella Detroit in the early Nineties and had three chart hits with 'Shakespeare's Sister' (and a couple as herself. (Check out 'I Believe', it's a belter!) If that's not enough, the lady (still) has a full five octave vocal range, too, which is no doubt why the British voting public got rid of her in favour of Darius and the fat one out of the Nolan Sisters. Gibbons...

11th February '10 - Wolves 1 Tottenham 0. Done 'em front and back in the same season! Absolutely priceless! I'm not usually one for gloating as I know how quickly we can find ourselves turned over in this division, but come on! I work with three good mates who just happen to be Spurs fans, so this is just too good to resist! Coming up next - Chelsea. So you see why I'm crowing while I can, don't you? Anyway, if I'm honest we played an absolute blinder and Spurs just seemed a bit flat. This wasn't a lucky win, we were damn good value for it! It just about makes up for some of the cruel twists of fate we've suffered in the recent games against Palace and Birmingham. Hey, out of the drop zone once more and back in the fight! Game on!

9th February '10 - It's just occurred to me that a very simple anagram of Gok Wan's name is 'Go Wank'. How in God's name did I miss this?

8th February '10 - With what I can only describe as delicious synchronicity, the awesome 'Bioshock 2' will be delivered to my door tomorrow on it's day of release; a mere twenty-four hours after I finished the original 'Bioshock' (Die, Fontaine, you bastard!) *Sigh*. Another couple of weeks in Rapture beckon...

7th February '10 - Birmingham 2 Wolves 1. One nil up with ten minutes to go and Wolves were looking good for three points having played a man's game all afternoon. Then Kevin Phillips came on. Kevin fucking Phillips. I honestly thought the bloke had retired - he must be my age! Anyway, on came the ex-Baggy and in went two goals and that was that. Goodnight game and with Spurs, Chelsea and Man Utd coming up, goodbye Premiership. Oh well, here's to the 2011/12 season...

5th February '10 - If 'The car in front is a Toyota'; worry.

4th February '10 - I'm getting really, REALLY tired of the whole John Terry thing now. Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, the whole thing just goes to show how far we have fallen as a nation. In Billy Wright's day, a married England Captain simply wouldn't have gone behind a team mate's back and shagged his girlfriend. In Bryan Robson's day, it might have happened, but the first thing the Captain would've done would've been to resign out of shame. Now, we have this cretin simply keeping his head down and hoping it all goes away, the fucking coward. I hope Capello rips the armband off the little shit and gives it to someone worthy. If none of them are, he should hand it to Emile Heskey. Heskey wouldn't do anything to tarnish the honour because Heskey doesn't do anything.

3rd February '10 - The realisation early this morning that this was the last but one set of Night Shifts that I'll be required to do for the foreseeable future was more than enough to give me a warm glow of smugness in the wee small hours. Good job really since I ended up traipsing round the back streets of Croydon in the freezing bastard cold at three o' clock in the morning...

2nd February '10 - Crystal Palace 3 Wolves 1. Not that I'm terribly bothered about the FA Cup, but come on! I had the game on in the van as I drove into work tonight. It was nil-nil as I parked up at the BP garage to go and get a coffee. I come back and we're fucking three down! Just how shite do you have to be to ship three goals in six minutes? I mean, everything was plodding toward a goalless extra-time battle until the point where Ebanks-Blake and Iwelumo came on. Two minutes later, the goals start rattling in. Oh well, at least we're still above the drop zone. Just.

1st February '10 - Hang on! February? What the fuck?

31st January '10 - 'Avatar' has just passed the £2 billion mark. James Cameron now has the two highest-grossing films of all time on his c.v., meaning he can pretty much make whatever he wants for his next project. Given that he was originally optioned to 'Spider Man' back in the early Nineties and that Sam Raimi has just been thrown off the franchise (quite right too, after royally fucking up Venom), is it too much to hope that old Jimbo might take a look at a certain wall-crawler next? Christina Hendricks for Mary Jane!

30th January '10 - Hull 2 Wolves 2. Again, we play 4-5-1 and again we get a point; though to be fair we had to come from behind twice to get it. Still, it was a good, solid game and very entertaining for a neutral, which, unfortunately, I'm not. Overall, though, a fair result. We're now just outside the drop zone (on goal difference alone) with Birmingham, Tottenham and Chelsea up next. Ooh, crikey!  

29th January '10 - Right, that's it. Job done. It's taken months of saving, weeks of planning and days of building and testing, but my new gaming pc is finally, FINALLY finished. Obviously, I will be tweaking for a few weeks to come (favourites, folder locations, etc), but I now have a stable build and it all works. Would I do this again? Probably, now I've done it once. Let's hope I don't have to for a few years though, eh? For the record then (and to allow me to geek out one last time on the subject), I'm now the proud owner of... an Intel Core i5 Lynnfield 750 rated at 2.66GHZ (but lovingly overclocked to 3.4GHZ), liquid cooling, 8GB of G-Skill 1600MHZ memory, one Sapphire ATI HD 5850 graphics card, one Nvidia GT 220 graphics card (purely for PhysX), Asus Xonar D2 THX sound card, 2:1 Razer Mako THX speaker system, 22" Samsung 1080p monitor, 300GB WD Velociraptor hard drive, 128GB Crucial solid state removable gaming drive, two Western Digital Caviar Green 1.5TB storage drives (RAID 1 linked), LG Blu-ray player and Sony DVD rewriter all stuffed into a CM Storm Sniper case with a 650W BeQuiet power unit and silent blue LED Akasa fans. Oh, and a Razer Tarantula keyboard, Razer Deathadder mouse and Belkin N52TE gaming pad, too. I won't be going out much this year, that's for sure. I can't fucking afford to! And before anyone starts, no, I didn't want an i7 Bloomfield chip - I deliberately went for the non-Hyperthreading option as the extra 'virtual' cores actually slow down gaming performance. Unless you do shit-loads of video encoding (which I don't) then Hyperthreading is a waste of time and cripples your rig. Ok, it's late and I'm rambling. Night all...

28th January '10 - Correction; two Apple products. Quicktime doesn't get on with 64-bit systems either, meaning I've had to run a 32-bit compatibility patch just for this one bloody app. Fucking Fisher Price programming

27th January '10 - Just in case you were wondering, iTunes is an absolute cow to move from one place to another. After almost half a day of pissing about, I finally gave in and bought a $20 app off the interweb that managed to consolidate every song into a 'real' location so I could ship them across to their new home. Funny how the biggest ball-ache with this project so far comes when we get to the one fucking Apple product, isn't it?

26th January '10 - Wolves 0 Liverpool 0. We could've nicked this. Seriously, Liverpool were extremely ordinary and I can't remember one serious shot on Hahnemann's goal. Super Mick rang the changes and dropped Ebanks-Blake entirely, choosing to try a 4-5-1 set-up with Kevin Doyle playing a lone striker role up front. Very effective it was, too! Clean sheet and another lovely point in the bag. Aces!

25th January '10 - I am now playing 'Bioshock' in the dark whilst wearing 7:1 surround sound headphones. I want my mummy.

24th January '10 - First full test of my new gaming rig this evening. I had 'Empire: Total War' running on a 22" HD monitor at 1080p with all the settings maxed out. (8x anti-aliasing, full anisotropic filtering) and still managed to average better than eighty frames a second. The core temperature never even got above 40 degrees and the fans were still on their lowest setting. Silent extreme gaming. Dear me, this is good!

23rd January '10 - Now that the new computer is up and running (albeit with only the basics installed) and inherently stable, I decided to add the new Canon printer. Once that went in, it was time to unwrap all the shiny new toys. Out came the Razer keyboard, mouse, THX speaker system and gaming pad I'd been buying bit by bit over the last nine months. Finally the 7:1 gaming headphones were uwrapped and added to the mix. Another round of driver CDs and I was able to dim the lights and marvel at all the pulsating blue LED loveliness. This machine is now officially the computer equivalent of Vin Diesel's Subaru. It's a bit late now, but tomorrow, it's time for a test drive!

22nd January '10 - The results of the review process at work were announced today. As you know, I didn't apply for anything, so I was curious to see where the Senior Management Team in their infinite wisdom had decided to put me. Did they give me one of the three posts back in my old unit knowing I could hit the ground running? No.  Did they recognise the eight months of work I'd done (mostly in my own time) helping to progress their upcoming Foundation Degrees and give me a Development Manager role? No. Did they look at the map and think 'Ah, old Bill lives almost exactly halfway between our South East and South West units; he could go to either'? No.
  What they actually thought was 'The impudent bald bastard had the effrontery to think he was above applying for his own job! Send the fucker North East!' So I'm off to Mile End. In real terms, all this means to me is sitting on the 133 for fifty minutes every morning rather than twenty and having eight staff to report on in future instead of four. Slightly weary; however, what it also means is that for the first time in twenty years I no longer have any reason to set foot in the bloody Elephant & Castle.
  Result? Three points, away win.

21st January '10 - All day down the hospital today being given the results of all those tests I've had recently. Turns out I've got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, hypertension and what looks, after we'd gone through my family tree, to be a genetic cardiac 'issue'. The cardiologist asked me if I had a stressful job. Oh, how we laughed! To cheer myself up, I popped into Argos on the way home and threw a hundred notes at a Powerline kit. Came home, plugged one into the router and the other into the PC and I had Internet access in two seconds flat. Not only that, but I am now hitting seven meg download speeds as opposed to the one and a bit I was getting from wireless. Wow! I should've bought some of these things years ago!

20th January '10 - A fun evening. The graphics card drivers were fighting with each other and the monitor driver (I have two different graphics cards; an ATI one for actual games and an Nvidia one for PhysX. It's complicated - look it up). The wireless network card I salvaged from the old computer doesn't work in a PCI-E slot and I can't use the one PCI slot I have left 'cos the fucking sound card's in the way, so no internet, which in turn means no updating and online registration and therefore an early night. Looks like I'll be upgrading to Powerline networking sooner than I thought

19th January '10 - I now have a fully working, shiny new PC. A 64-bit version of Windows 7 has been installed and...er...that's it.  I'm too tired to dick about with installation CDs this evening, so I'll have a run-up at the thing tomorrow. One thing I did make sure I added was my trusty copy of Acronis. Anyone who has ever had to re-install Windows after a week of partitioning, BIOS tweaks, adding hardware, software and updating firmware knows you only get caught out that way once. After that, you pay thirty quid for a decent imaging program and count yourself lucky!

18th January '10 - Today was deadline day at work. Me and the eight other put-upon dogsbody scumbag lower-middle-managers had been given four weeks by the big boys to write a full application for our own jobs, together with a 'portfolio of evidence' if we fancied a sideways move into another unit. Much gossip and speculation abounded and yet, for once, it was all water off a duck's back for me.
  You see, I didn't fill a form in for the simple reason that they have nothing to offer me that I would be willing to fill in a raft of meaningless paperwork for and nothing to threaten me with that I could not in all honesty make a very good go of.
  To add insult to injury, if I'd fancied 'applying' to go back to my old unit (the one that the previous management fucking asked me to move across from to help 'upskill' their bloody workforce), I would've been required to submit fifteen pieces of work with my application so that I could be 'assessed' as to whether I was good enough. A few years ago, I'd probably have been ranting and railing about an insult like that, but like I said, it's water off a duck's back these days. If they genuinely don't appreciate what I can bring to their poxy unit, then I'm more than happy to be posted out to someone who will.
  Fuck 'em. Their loss...

17th January '10 - I have a bruise the size of an egg on my left arm where the nurse took seven phials of blood last Friday. I got a lot of stares in the pub last night, probably because in a t-shirt, I now look like a hardcore smack-head. Talking of heroin addicts, did anyone see how Wolves played against Wigan? Dear oh dear. Two weeks left of the transfer window, Mick. Get shot of Ebanks-Blake while you can. He's obviously fine for the Fizzy Pop League, but not the Prem. Actually, now I come to think of it, it might be an idea to keep the bloke. We'll obviously be needing him for August...

15th January '10 - Well, wasn't that fun? Apart from having to go for yet more blood tests, the last couple of days have been devoted to adding components to my new PC, connecting them properly and making sure they're showing up in the BIOS. Surprisingly, the fiddly bloody LED fans were one of the easiest additions, it was the two socket graphics card that was a real bugger - especially as I didn't realise it needed two sockets until I'd used both of the ones around it. Cock. Anyway, the fun continues. The evenings, however, have been given over to a certain Mr. Bauer. Now Season 7 is over and done with, all I can say is roll on Season 8. Apparently, Katee Sackoff from 'Battlestar Galactica' (still the best TV drama ever in my opinion) is going to be in it. Can't wait!

12th January '10 - I spent the early evening opening the boxes of all the PC components I've been buying over the last six months. It all looks worryingly straightforward (apart from the LED fans, which are flimsy, fiddly and will no doubt go horribly wrong once I try and fit them.) I've put things in piles in the order I'm attempting to fit them, I've put the case on an anti-static mat on the middle of the kitchen table, and the minute I get in from work tomorrow, it's game on. Wish me luck boys, I'm going in...

11th January '10 - I've watched thirteen episodes of '24' in two days. Wow! Sorry, can't stop. Jack is waiting...

9th January '10 - The Fishwife has just peeled the cellophane off one of my Christmas presents - Season 7 of '24'. I was planning on staying here and adding a new weather-based entry to Rants, but Jack Bauer is waiting. You don't keep Jack Bauer waiting.

8th January '10 - You didn't tell me, did you? Eight days into the New Year and I was still adding '09' to the date. I bet you thought that was funny, didn't you? Gits.

7th January '10 - What really annoys me about weather like this is the attitude of some of my fellow workers. You know, the ones who ring in at seven a.m. and say "I won't be in today because I live in Ipswich/Brighton/Guildford and I'm snowed in!" What they're really saying to me, the mug stupid enough to get up a bit earlier in order to get in and answer the phones is "I live somewhere really nice - far, far away from the inner-city shithole you live in, Billy. Could you kindly add my workload to your own for a day or two while I have fun building a snowman with my kids?" Bastards.

6th January '10 - I'm getting tired of these lefty arseholes telling me how bad the snow is when we have precisely two inches of the stuff outside. Most annoying of all is them telling me to stay at home unless my journey is essential. Frankly, me going to work in the morning is essential, thank you very much. It's either that or I get docked a sick day and become the sort of spineless, nanny-state coddled piece of shit that has brought this country to it's fucking knees over the last twelve years. No thanks, I'm an Englishman. I have a backbone and first thing in the morning, I'll be wrapping up warm and making my way to the bus-stop. If there are no buses, I'll be walking it. It's only five miles and I've done it before. It might take a little longer tomorrow though, due to all the global warming I'll have to wade through...

5th January '10 - For ten solid minutes on each of the four main channels this evening, the lead news story was the fact that it had been snowing. In winter. For fuck's sake...

4th January '10 - I've just woken up. It's four in the afternoon and I've finally finished the Nights from Hell. Normally, Christmas and New Year at our place is dead and things only go mental once every five years or so. This must've been the fifth year then, because we got a right kicking. As Duty Officer, I am traditionally last man out, but I found myself behind the bloody Nikon every single night this week, sometimes twice! How very dare they! I absolutely guarantee that next year whoever covers the same period will be doing nothing except drinking tea and eating mince pies. Bastards.

3rd January '10 - A DVD RW with Lightscribe and a webcam. That's all I can be bothered to salvage from the old PC. I've also kept one of the 6600 GTX graphics cards, too. I know it's old hat, but next time I'm on Nights, I plan to see if I can stuff it into the office computer without anyone noticing. That way, I can hide 'Sid Meier's Pirates!' in an out of the way folder somewhere and bingo -  a far more entertaining way of passing the night than completing sick returns and personal development plans. Given that the IT 'professionals' in our place take half a day to reset a password, I'm fairly confident I can get away with this bit of clandestine upgrading. Yo ho ho!!

2nd January '10 - Ok, the wheels are now in motion. I will be on the netbook for the foreseeable future, as I am currently in the process of stripping out the old PC and building up the new one. I've already yanked the old hard drive out and will be transferring all my bits and pieces across just as soon as I've stuffed all the shiny new bits into the flash gaming case I've ordered. Unfortunately, as I'm still on bloody Nights, I'm going to have to wait a while in order to have a good run up at it. If things are a bit quiet for the next few days, you'll know why. Apologies. Bear with me...

New Year's Day '10 - Every bloody January 1st, I have that poxy fucking U2 song rolling round my head for the whole day. "All is quiet on New Year's Day", that repellent little tax-dodging knob is singing silently in my skull even now. No it wasn't, you cock. We were run off our bleeding feet on the Night shift, thanks to all those arseholes out drinking and fighting instead of watching the fireworks on telly and having an early night like normal people. Tch! Kids today...

New Year's Eve '09 - I managed to get to the last day of the year before seeing the film of the year. A mate lent me 'District 9', which is set in South Africa, has no 'stars' and a budget of $30 million and still manages to top every single Hollywood Sci-Fi blockbuster this decade. I don't want to say too much about it because it will spoil things for you, but basically aliens arrived over Johannesburg thirty years ago in a knackered ship (still hovering above the city) and are now living in a shanty town below it (the eponymous 'District 9'). After much racial tension, South Africa decides to evict them, and that's where the story begins. What follows can only be decribed as 'City Of God' crossed with 'Cloverfield' and a dash of 'Aliens'. There are Nigerians in it, too, behaving exactly as you'd expect. Anyway, this one is absolutely amazing and totally story-driven. Yes, the effects are fantastic, but plot is king. I can't believe that after years of shit Sci-Fi, I've been treated to this and the brilliant 'Moon' in the space of a month!

30th December '09 - On Lates and Nights, we never say the 'Q' word. Kind of like actor types never mentioning 'the Scottish play', it's the kiss of death to an office-bound evening in the warm if anyone mentions how 'quiet' things are. We all adhere to this rule, and always refer to things as being 'Q' or 'not too bad'. We never, EVER, come out and say that it's 'quiet at the moment'. Are we being superstitious? Allow me to illustrate. There I was, sitting in the warm and drinking tea when, about an hour before my shift finished, I thought I'd catch up with my emails. I read through several and eventually came to one from the boss, who has been off all over the festive season. I read down his thank-yous for the year and his wishes for the future, until I came to the last line, where he praised all those of us stuck working while the majority were out eating and drinking. The moment I read the words "I hope you have a quiet one", the fucking phone rang. An hour later, I'm traipsing up and down Tulse Hill in the pissing rain with a camera and a tripod photographing street scenes, crashed cars, shotgun damage and blood spots. Then, 'while I was there', I got to do a nearby address with more blood and bullet-holes. Three fucking hours of plain-time overtime, soaked to the skin, freezing cold and mightily pissed-off and all because some git introduced the bloody 'Q' word to my serene and harmonious world. Bastard.

29th December '09 - I've got to tell you about a brilliant comic book I've just read which has been made into a film. It's called 'Kick-Ass', and you can see the cinema trailer here. Then, you can go here and see the one they're not allowed to show you in the multiplex. Does this look the pods, or what? I wonder if Tarantino remembers when he was this good?

28th December '09 - Wolves 0 Manchester City 3. Big hairy nad-sacks. I was listening to this (well, the second half) on the radio on the way back from a job this evening and Chris Waddle summed it up perfectly for me when he said that Wolves are fantastic at making play and getting the ball up the pitch and into the box, but are completely without ideas when they get there. He said he couldn't understand why our three 'strikers' notched up over fifty goals between them in the Championship last season, but have only managed a grand total of five so far in the Prem. Neither can I, Chris, neither can I...

Boxing Day '09 - Liverpool 2 Wolves 0. And yet again we find that the 'big four' get given everything from the wanker with the whistle, while Wardo makes two challenges, picks up a card for each and gets sent off. Never mind that that twat Gerrard with his five quid haircut goes in feet first for everything and gets away with it every time. He's famous, isn't he? He's an England player. Cheating fucking Scallies.

27th December '09 - Jimmy Carr once said: "You can't polish a turd...but you can roll it in glitter." I think about this every time Graham Norton appears on our telly...

Christmas Day '09. You know the drill. Loads of food, loads of ale and a bit of telly. Wasn't 'Doctor Who' bollocks? I hope part two picks up, 'cos it'll be a shame if the excellent David Tennant goes out on a load of badly-written pantomime bollocks like this.

23rd December '09 - Now there's a lovely Christmas present! Barclaycard texted me this morning to say that all the fradulent transactions had been removed from my account and everything was back to normal. Yes! There is a God! Now if only he'd smite Nigeria with a plague of locusts like in the good old days, all would be right with the world.

22nd December '09 - The Fishwife presented me with a choice of itinery this afternoon. Come Christmas shopping with her and my daughter, or go and amuse myself for a couple of hours. So anyway, 'Where The Wild Things Are' is a truly beautiful movie and has launched itself straight onto my all-time top ten as a masterpiece of emotive cinema. Pure escapism and a definite on DVD when it comes out...

21st December '09 - AntiProduct / The Wildhearts, Wolverhampton. The Loyalties played too, but without their drummer, I kind of lost interest and went and drank some Banks's instead. Alex and co. were awesome as usual, and introduced yet another new line-up, with a new girl on bass and a new drummer, who looks all of twelve but plays like a dervish. Top stuff, especially when Clare informed me after the gig that they'd only been together in this form for a fortnight. Aces!. The Wildhearts were - dare I say it - so-so, mainly down to a slightly baffling set-list which did away with most of the classics in favour of stuff Ginger hadn't played for a while. Good, but not great. Still, thank God for AntiProduct! Never less than fucking brilliant!

20th December '09 - Bavarian  Market, Birmingham. Lovely. Made me feel Christmassy for the first time in years, especially with the snow still lingering on the ground. Had a couple of German sausages and the girls had some hot chocolate and a go on the carousel. Funny to think I was able to wander round with a full (glass) pint of strong lager in the middle of a shopping area in England's second city so long as everyone pretended they were really in Germany. Weird. Oh, and by the way - Wolves 2 Burnley 0. Super Mick's plan paid off and all is well once more. Up to twelfth for Christmas. Yay!

18th December '09 - And that was 'heavy snow', was it? That was worth a severe weather warning? God, I hate the numpties 'running' this poxy country. Anyway, I'm off for a leisurely night drive to Wolverhampton ready for a week of Christmas loafing. If I can get through all the humongous drifts, that is. Merry Christmas, one and all!

17th December '09 - Went to see 'Avatar' in 3D at the Imax this evening. Wow. Believe the hype; this is absolutely jaw-dropping. You really, really need to see this on the biggest screen you can possibly find, and you HAVE to see it in 3D.  Story wise, you know it already. It's 'Dances With Wolves', 'Starship Troopers', 'Braveheart', 'Aliens' and 'The Last Samurai' all rolled into one. So what? That's not why you're going, You're going to see the game changer. The "Future Of Cinema", as James Cameron's hype-machine has it. This is from the biggest-headed director that ever wielded a megaphone. The self-proclaimed 'King Of The World'. Is he right? Absolutely! I don't know what this baby cost, but every penny of it is right up there on the screen. Personally, I'd've paid the fifteen quid solely for Michelle Rodriguez in a vest in 3D, but that's just me..Seriously though, get out and see this one NOW. It's not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a fucking awesome bit of cinema.

16th December '09 - Well that's just smashing, isn't it? Heavy snow predicted for Friday, meaning I could end up being stuck in this shit-hole of a city for an extra couple of days. Bloody weather. Where was this December snow when I was ten and had a sledge that I never got to use from one bastard year to the next? Global warming, my fiery starfish...

15th December '09 - Man Utd 3 Wolves 0. The result wasn't really a surprise. What was, though, was Mick McCarthy's decision to make ten changes from the side that beat Spurs at the weekend. Given the fact that United were decidedly average for most of this game, I can't help wondering what would've happened if we had put a real team out instead of the bloody reserves. No doubt Super Mick knew this one was a lost cause and wanted everyone in the first team fit and ready for Burnley. With Bolton beating West Ham, we're now back in the bottom three. The travelling fans were chanting 'we want our money back' by the end. Mick, you'd better make damn sure we get three points on Sunday!

14th December '09 - I sent off the disclaimer forms to Barclaycard this morning (just after the replacement card arrived), so I'm hoping in a few days the whole Nigerian thing will be a distant memory. As a Catholic, my religion encourages me to forgive and forget, and in the grand scheme of things nobody was hurt or even inconvenienced too much, yet right now I still find myself wanting to waterboard the little bastards in a vat of their own boiling piss and posting a video of it on YouTube. I think a trip to confession is called for before midnight mass this year...

13th December '09 - Apparently, Tiger Woods is so overcome with remorse over his recent adultery that he has given up golf in order to 'become a better husband and father'. Far be it from me to knock the bloke's guilt trip, but stopping doing the very thing that puts food on the table doesn't immediately spring to mind as the first he ought to be giving up. 'Not sticking my old lad in any woman unless her name is Mrs. Woods' would be kind of the direction I'd be going in if I was him...

12th December '09 - Tottenham 0 Wolves 1. I don't often post twice in one day, but come on, this is worth it, don't you think? As we were talking about Kate Bush the other day, I think it only fair to point out that the last time we won at White Hart Lane, she was doing her fucking 'O' Levels! A manly performance all round, I'm sure you'll agree (unless you're my mate Jesus, that is!) Between today and Tuesday, I'd have happily taken a point from Spurs and Manchester United, so three is absolutely blinding. The Red Devils can have their three on Tuesday night for all I care. Still, it's worth noting that only three teams won in the Prem today, and all of them were from the West Midlands! Result!

12th December '09 - Well, I wasn't expecting that! The advance critic reviews for James Cameron's 'Avatar' have all been positive, with some even talking 'film of the year' potential. I was sure they'd give it a shoeing, but, no, they appear to love it! Roll on Thursday and the full 3D Imax experience. I can't wait!

11th December '09 - The Barclaycard saga took another turn today when the closing bill finally dropped through the letterbox. I promptly rang the call centre and requested a set of disclaimer forms, which the nice Indian lady said she'd email me straight away. That was four hours ago. She also asked my why I hadn't activated my new card yet. I said I hadn't received it. Oh what fun. Still, it's not as if I'm likely to need a credit card at this time of year, is it?

10th December '09 - From the age of nine, I've always descibed myself as a Kate Bush fan. It's been a label I've attached to myself for so long, I've forgotten what it meant. It's not something that lends itself to any form of rigorous examination, either. If I'm brutally honest, the last album from Kate was shit and the one before (fifteen years before) wasn't all that either.
  I spent a long twenty minutes of introspection today, cleaning the leather jacket that Jesus's mate Paul painted for me a few years back. (It's basically the kite bit from this, which isn't even my favourite Kate album.) and I got to wondering what it was about the lady that I'd managed to devote three-quarters of my life to championing. I mean, I even met my wife through the Kate Bush fan club, for God's sake, even though neither of us ever play the woman's stuff in the house anymore. I almost had a crisis of confidence.
  Then I found this on YouTube. Ah. Did I ever tell you I'm a Kate Bush fan?

9th December '09 - I don't drink spirits, I'm an ale boy. If it's over six per cent proof and served in small glasses, I'm generally not interested. However, my eyes were opened recently to an evil little brew called 'Red Stag' by those fine fellows at Jim Beam. Jim Beam scores highly in the ratings here at Fish Towers by not being Jack bloody Daniels and they've gone even higher in my estimation by coming up with what I can only describe as a black cherry bourbon. Yes, I know it sounds fucking disgusting, but believe me, it isn't. Far from it. When you've finished your night of quaffing and just require one last snifter for the road, treat yourself to a quick shot of this. Absolutely sublime...

8th December '09 - My mate Pete lent me an absolutely brilliant film this evening. Go and grab a copy of 'Moon' starring Sam Rockwell (whom I've previously cited as single-handedly ruining 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy', but is worthy of an Oscar here!) It's all about a lone astronaut acting as caretaker of an automated mining operation on the Moon. Two weeks before he's due to finish his tour of duty, he has an accident out on the surface...and wakes up to find himself back in the moonbase infirmary. How did he get there? Who brought him back? And why is his moon-buggy still where he left it? Brilliant, old-skool Sci-fi film-making (in the spirit of 'Silent Running' and 'Dark Star') that probably cost what Michael Bay paid for the wrap party on 'Shitformers 2'. Recommended.

7th December '09 - Went online to assess the fallout from yesterday and it's in a much better shape than it was. Barclaycard have tracked down and killed most of the rogue transactions (shame they can't do the same for the Nigerian shit that made them) and I'm now just left with the ones that went through before the alarm bells went off. I'm going to have to wait until the last one goes through the system (by the twelfth at the earliest), then send for a disclaimer form to wipe out the remaining nine hundred quid. All in all, the whole mess should be sorted out just before Christmas with a bit of luck. Talking of which, only seventeen days to go! Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men. Except fucking Nigerians...

6th December '09 - THIEVING FUCKING NIGERIAN CUNTS! There I was, first thing this morning, making one last Christmas purchase on Amazon at the Fishwife's request. I went for a bath and a read of the papers and about an hour later get a call from Barclaycard wondering why I'd purchased three and a half grand's worth of Nigerian airline tickets. Card cancelled, transactions binned and a load of weariness having to start again when the new card arrives, wiping all my online profiles and updating them one by one. Word to the wise - only buy from Amazon if the item is in stock with Amazon itself (you'll read it in the small print just below the price). If not, they sub-contract out to other 'trusted' companies (yeah, right!), with somewhat less resilient encryption systems like the place that got the missus's order, which is apparently based in Belgium. FUCKING THICK COMPUTER-MONG BELGIAN BASTARDS! Still, at least all my Christmas beer got through safely before the electronic curtain came down...

5th December '09 - Wolves 2 Bolton 1. Now that's more like it! Apart from a ropey last ten minutes when Bolton got a late one back and we turned into headless chickens again, it was pretty much a dominant Wolves performance all the way through. Funny, but whenever Kightly is unavailable, the rest of the boys seem to up their game. Milijas was superb, and his thirty-yard shot for the second goal was a work of fucking art. The only downer was that, yet again, SEB was utterly unable to find the net and Doyle, despite a lot of running and link play, wasn't much better. If I were a being paid as a Wolves striker and had just seen our thirty-four year old central defender slot his fourth of the season, I'd be feeling a bit embarrassed right now. Anyway, that's about it for us points-wise for the next two games, seeing as it's Spurs and Man United away. Let's see what the state of play is once the dust has settled...

4th December '09 - A-a-and that's it as far as my Senior Management career goes. My boss is back in the big chair and I'm back to being a working monkey once more. The poor sod got in nice and early this morning, all tanned and smiling. He sat down at his computer and opened his emails. Wallop. Four hundred and twenty-six of the bastards. Welcome back to the funny farm, old son!

3rd December '09 - I had a look at the notes I'd taken at the management meeting on Monday with a view to typing up the minutes today. I can't make head nor tail of a single fucking word of it...

2nd December '09 - It's just occurred to me that for the first time in over a decade, I've managed to go through the whole of November without nipping round to the pub behind where I work for a lunchtime pint of 'Harvey's Bonfire Boy', an absoultely stonking 5.8% seasonal brew only available during the eleventh month of the year. Knackers. My 2010 diary arrived on my desk this morning. I've already pencilled a reminder in for next year...

1st December '09 - Bugger me, where has this year gone? I came home from work to find the girls had blitzed through the flat and decorated everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. I have blue tinsel all around my monitor as I type this. Anyway, in the spirit of the festive season, I have just completed my patented 'Christmas Shopping Hour' (TM), which is the time of year when me, Mr. Barclaycard and our very good friend, Mr. PayPal attempt to complete all the gift buying in under sixty minutes. This year, the three of us broke the record, with everything done and dusted in thirty-seven minutes, finishing, as always, with my hand-rolled vanilla cigars. Can you believe some monkeys actually spend hours walking the malls at this time of year? They must be mentally ill...

30th November '09 - Management meeting today. I've always had a healthy contempt for management meetings in our place, as they never seem to be run to an agenda and always end up dragging on, so I had big plans for today, seeing as I was the one Chairing it for a change. This one would be different. This one would rattle through all the points and allow everyone to get away early infused with a sense of self-worth and a warm glow of inner contentment. At least that was the plan. Instead, the fucking thing dragged on for three solid hours as some silly bastard in love with the sound of his own voice managed to labour point after point.
   Erm, that would be me, then. My boss comes back next week. Frankly, it's about time...

29th November '09 - Wolves 0 Birmingham 1. By far the worst collective performance that Wolves have conjured up all season. None of them were fit to wear the shirt today and everyone, even Super Mick, was roundly booed off at close of play. No drive, no commitment, no ideas and no spirit. We are very possibly relegated already and it's not even fucking December. Appalling...

28th November '09 - Well, that's it. I have just ordered the last components I need before I begin putting my sexy new gaming pc together. Here's the case. Tasty, eh? And I know I really shouldn't, but seeing as how I play all my music through my computer, I've gone and treated myself to a set of these too. I don't think I'll be going out at all next year...

27th November '09 - Another day, another example of life at Senior Management level in our place: The boss's PA comes into my office, shows me a list of staff names and tells me the boss needs to know who is up to date with certain training by the end of the day. It's half eleven when she drops this on me. "How long has this been on his desk?", I enquire. "About a week", she replies.
  Whoopee. Another late finish. Funny, but I don't seem to recall any scenarios like this popping up over the course of my Management NVQ...

26th November '09 - Back to work, and I hadn't even got my coat off before I was told about a meeting I had up in Victoria in two hours time. Marvellous. What was it about? They didn't know. Who's called it? Pass. What room was it in? No idea. All I got told was that apparently my boss always goes to these meetings every month and that he knows all about it. I'm sure he does, but he didn't tell me or leave me any notes, did he?
  Never mind, I managed to wing it. Turns out it was all about our fleet of vehicles and hire contracts and replacements and such like. I didn't know anyone there and hadn't a bloody clue what half of them were on about, but a few of my standard stock managerial phrases got me through. "Let me collate all the information from the databases at my end and I'll get back to you" is always a winner, as is "I'm anxious to maintain a holding pattern until XXXX gets back"
  For sheer audacity though, nothing beats my personal favourite "Let's just concentrate on achieving the achievable." After an hour of this I could've sworn I felt my nose growing. And I ate all the plain chocolate biscuits, too...

25th November '09 - Finally! My lovely new Sapphire ATI Radeon HD 5850 has arrived, meaning I can oreder the final parts for my gaming rig. I'm all moist with anticipation...

24th November '09 - Five Finger Death Punch, Wolverhampton Civic Hall. Well, not quite, it was in the Wulfrun Hall round the back of the main venue. The Civic itself was playing host to the immortal David Essex, and since there's a very noticable bleed-through of sound between the halls, old Dave must've been far from impressed when his sedate rendition of 'A Winter's Tale' came complete with added echoes of "Break this shit down, motherfucker!" Still, an absolutely stonking gig by '5FDP'' only slightly marred by the lead singer of the support act 'Shadow's Fall' being an utter cock. Yes, you have lovely dreadlocks and they're so much longer and nicer than Rob Zombie's, but for fuck's sake, stop whirling them round your head every few seconds, you tit. Managed to get a couple of ales in my old boozer, 'The Giffard Arms', too. Must've been twenty years since my mate and I had been in there together. Not much had changed, though. The decor had gone more 'metal' and the jukebox had improved, but it was still full of arseholes. Singing along to 'Limp Bizkit'? Puh-lease!

23rd November '09 - I'm considering proposing a new arrangement to my dentist. How about if I savage him about the mouth with various metal implements whilst simultaneously taking all his money for a change?

21st November '09 - Chelsea 4 Wolves 0. I thought we were lucky to get nil.

20th November '09 - I've just seen how much Action Man 'Atomic Man' is going for on eBay. I now regret turning mine into Action Man 'Disfigured Burns Victim Multiple Bullet Penetration Man' with a bottle of lighter fluid and a hot needle somewhere back in the mid-Eighties...

19th November '09 - WHERE'S MY BASTARD GRAPHICS CARD?

18th November '09 - One of the lads at work told me this morning what they'd nicknamed one of my old bosses. Apparently, behind his back, he's known as Bongo. 'Books On, Never Goes Out'. We like.

17th November '09 - It's not even bloody December yet and the bill for next year's holiday dropped through the letterbox this morning, along with my Barclaycard bill, my Orange mobile bill and a reminder that I owe my dentist two hundred quid next time I see him. Piss off! Piss off, the lot of you!

15th November '09 - The penultimate David Tennant 'Doctor Who' story, 'The Waters Of Mars' has just finished and, for a Russell T. Davies script, it was surprisingly good. Very dark and not at all camp. Bit of a downbeat ending, too. Next up, is the Christmas and New Year double bill of 'The End Of Time', which, sadly, looks from the trailer to be yet another 'everything and the kitchen sink' job from Davies, as all - and I do mean all - this Doctor's past companions get trotted out out yet again for the big finale. This means another outing for Billie Piper's teeth. Now that is scary!

14th November '09 - Carter USM, Brixton Academy. It looks like Jim Bob and Fruitbat (sorry, 'Les') are going to make this an annual event. Ever since the 'Back In Bed' reunion tour in '07, there's been a Carter gig at Brixton in November and I've been at it. Tonight, we were treated to the first two Carter USM albums back to back in their entirety. Good stuff, and helped by the fact that, this year, the promoters had not oversold the venue. A fun time was had by all, and I got to take the gig home with me thanks to a brilliant bit of marketing which I'd like to see rolled out to every concert from now on. As I walked in, there were girls with clip-boards. You put you name down and gave them some money, for which you got a ticket. Immediately after the gig, you started queuing up the stairs. At the top, you were presented with a triple CD pack (still warm) which the sound engineers were burning in batches of fifty from the gig they'd just recorded. This means that, an hour after the last song, I was sitting at home, munching on a pizza and listening to a gig I'd just come from. How cool is that?

13th November '09 - In at quarter to seven, left at quarter past five. My boss, meanwhile, is sinking cold ones somewhere in Australia. Oh well, can't complain. I've moaned for months that I'm good enough for a crack at Senior Management level, so it's just a case of getting on with it. Weird situation to be in, though. On the one hand, I have to roll out what are proving to be some less-than-popular decisions from the big boys, because, for the time being, I AM one of the big boys. On the other hand, in three weeks time, I'll be back down eating from the same trough I'm currently filling up, so I'm trying to sweeten the swill as much as I can.
  I'm finding that Senior Management is an utterly thankless task. There will always be somebody, somewhere that you're pissing off, so it's all about damage limitation. Next weekend, my 'real' team will be on Lates and Night, meaning premium weekend payments. I, however, am 'core hours' for the time being and am not required to work weekends. This means I am effectively paying two hundred quid for the privilege of working at Senior Management level. With that in mind, I thought you might like to see my new staff photo...

12th November '09 - Re: yesterday's entry: It was the latter.

11th November '09 - My boss is away for three weeks, so I'm doing his job and fuck me, it's busy! There are two possible reasons for this. Either the role is always like this and my boss is doing an Oscar-worthy impression of being calm and in control at all times, or he's deliberately batted off all the weary stuff to a time when he knew he'd be away and some other silly bastard would have to deal with it. Hmm.

10th November '09 - Three to four weeks. Three to four sodding weeks. That's how long I have to wait for stocks of ATI HD 5850s to hit the UK. So here I am with a load of PC components, all ready to build my new gaming rig and I've got to wait until bloody December for the graphics card. It's like being Frankenstein. There's the bloody monster on the slab in front of my eyes, only the brain's in a jar in Transylvania and Igor's having it posted. 'Taters.

9th November '09 - Just saw some footage of yesterday's service at the Cenotaph. I nearly stuck my foot through the telly. How that one-eyed Scotch twat can stand there all solemn with a poppy in his lapel simply beggars belief. Even worse, right next to him was the soon-to-be ex-presidential candidate for Europe. Neither of these men should be at a service for war dead, they should be in the dock for war crimes. I did notice plenty of lamp-posts up and down Whitehall, though. They should come in handy one day...

8th November '09 - Wandering around South London today, I was almost blinded by the amount of 'Frankie Says' signs plastered about the place. Had I slipped through some sort of wormhole into 1984? No, it turns out there is a 'Best Of' FGTH' coming out just in time for Christmas. Ah, that'll give an entire new generation the chance to appreciate how mediocre and repetitive 'Relax' is, then...

7th November '09 - Wolves 1 Arsenal 4. Looking on the positive side, at least you can say that two Wolves players scored. Admittedly for Arsene Wenger, but, hey, you can't have everything. The ever-reliable Jody Craddock grabbed a late consolation to make up for his first-half own goal, but this one was always a step too far. We're now in the bottom three and facing Chelsea away next. Oh shit.

6th November '09 - I don't seem to have much luck with birthdays. Got up early today and went down to Ikea on the Purley Way to pick my present from the Fishwife; a new computer chair (which I'll have to put together myself). Next, we ended up doing a massive monthly shop at Asda 'as we were there', which took us up to early afternoon. Back to Streatham to collect Arya from school, before sitting in rush-hour traffic for forty-five minutes to get down to Mitcham for a carvery meal. Unfortunately, we were too early for the evening roasts and had to make do with the remnants of the lunchtime ones. I had a plate of beef gristle, some crunchy cabbage, several bullet-like potatoes and a Yorkshire pudding with the consistency of a chamois leather. Fortunately, there was a microwave pizza in the freezer when I got back, so all was not lost. It didn't faze me. Nothing could be as depressing as my twenty-first. Stuck in communal accomodation in Upper Norwood (on call) all evening playing a 'Wonderboy III' arcade machine and drinking Diet Lilt while my work colleagues went out on the piss on my behalf. Bastards.

5th November '09 - Another disappointing Bonfire Night here in Darkest Streatham. There was a crackle or two from over the Common, a big display up the road at Crystal Palace and that was pretty much it. We had a selection box in the back garden this time though, so all was well. Added to which. I bought some big fuck-off rockets and a large 'cake', which was basically ninety roman candles in a block with one fuse. Perfect for an idle bastard like myself. The best part of any Bonfire Night, though, has to be the smell, with the smoky night air full of sulphur and saltpetre. Glorious.

4th November '09 - Slight altercation at the Elephant this evening. There I was, waiting for the Streatham train when I suddenly became aware of a large woman of an Islamic persuasion having a loud and animated mobile phone conversation as she walked toward me. As she drew level, our eyes met. Unfortunately, just at that moment, she was shouting something that sounded suspiciously like "Yemmo! Yemmo!" into her Nokia. Now I know I really shouldn't have, but I immediately retorted with "Don't you 'yemmo' me, Madam, I'm a respectable married man!" There was a split second of silence before the good lady decided to indulge in what I can only describe as an ear-splitting selection of macaw impressions. Amusing as this undoubtedly was, it began to draw glances, so I took myself off to the other end of the platform. Thankfully, the train turned up at that point, so I jumped on and took a window seat. As it pulled out, my adversary and I briefly drew level and made eye-contact once more. I blew her a kiss. I swear I could still hear strains of parrot as we pulled into Herne Hill...

3rd November '09 - The one phrase guaranteed to make the veins in my neck stand out like the cables on the Forth Bridge is 'Government money'. I keep hearing things on the news like '£50 million of Government money given to Nigeria to help combat malaria' or '£76 million of Government money donated to the Democratic Republic of Congo to fund road building'. It all sound very worthy and desperately humanitarian until you realise one thing. There is no such thing as 'Government money'. Governments in and of themselves don't have any money. It's OUR fucking money; you and me, the mug taxpayer. This is the reason why I don't give to Oxfam, Comic Relief or any other overseas charity. Because I already am without my bastard knowledge or consent. They'll be round again soon, rattling the tin for Children In Need. They can fuck off. Poppies, Lifeboats and Macmillan Nurses and that's your lot as far as my wallet is concerned.

2nd November '09 - This Friday's 'EuroMillions' rollover jackpot is £90 million. That would make a nice birthday present for me, don't you think? Tell you what, if I win, I'll buy everyone on the Guestbook a pint. No, let's push the boat out; TWO pints. And a bag of scratchings. Lord Bountiful, that's me...

1st November '09 - November at last! I now have, either here at Fish Towers or on their way, all the components and peripherals for my new gaming PC, apart from one thing. I'm waiting for the little brother of this to be released (£100 cheaper, smaller, quieter and only 10% less processing power.) Another couple of weeks and I'll be good to go. Pictures of the build on The Fishtank once I've finished...

Hallowe'en '09 - Stoke 2 Wolves 2. Iwelumo, Doyle and Ebanks-Blake are all fully fit again and yet they're missing sitters. Between the three of them they scored fifty-nine goals last season and, as of this moment, that tally is four, yet Jody Craddock, our thirty-five year old defender, the oldest man in the team, the man who will be retiring at the end of the season, is the one scoring! We were howlingly bad in the first half, couldn't pass wind, and looked toothless every time we went forward, yet the second half was like watching a different side and a two goal comeback at this level is no mean feat. The next couple of games for us are Arsenal and Chelsea, so it was really important to get something from this one. I'm certainly not looking forward to the next two!

30th October '09 (Devil's Night) - Great googly moogly, it's nearly November! I have a couple of stonking gigs lined up for the month, namely Carter USM on the 14th and the mighty Five Finger Death Punch on the 24th. The former are pre-Brit Pop drum machine and sampling, the latter are full-on thrash hardcore. I will stake my life on me being the only person in the whole country to be including these particular two live acts in their busy social diary. Eclectic, I believe the term is. That, or 'weird'. On a sadder note, I was unable to watch my favourite film on it's own special day for the first time in years as I'm on Nights. Boo!

29th October '09 - I see the new 'Dances With Thundersmurfs' trailer is up. Wow!

28th October '09 - Apparently, the great and the good of Europe (read: 'other corrupt politicians') have decided that they don't actually want Tony B. Liar to be the new EU President after all. Shame. After all that trouble he went to dismantling a thousand years worth of English politics, too. Does this mean he and his slot-faced freeloading missus will now simply disappear into a quiet retirement? What do you think?

27th October '09 - Filming has started on the pilot episode of George R.R. Martin's 'A Game Of Thrones'. If the men in suits like what they see, we could be sitting down to watch it a mere fifteen months from now. This thought makes my head spin. My only worry is that the men in suits won't 'get it' and will refuse to commission a full season. Then again, they've shelled out for six years of that 'Lost' crap, so maybe I'm panicking unnecessarily.

26th October '09 - It's almost time to put in the order for the last of the components for my new PC. I'll just hang on for one more payslip and see if November brings any more DirectX 11 graphics cards onto the market and if not, I'll be putting everything together sometime around my birthday. If things suddenly go quiet after the sixth, you'll know that building your own PC was somewhat trickier than I was led to believe...

25th October '09 - While Nick Griffin is still fresh in our minds, why not pop along to this rather excellent site and give the fucker a slap or twenty? Marvellous!

24th October '09 - Wolves 1 Aston Villa 1. Another good performance, another blatant penalty refused. Still, a point is a point. From now on, things start to look a little scary, though. Stoke away next week, followed by Arsenal and then Chelsea. Oo-er!

23rd October '09 - Wasn't it fun on Question Time last night? Honestly, the number of people prepared to have a pop at Nick Griffin of the BNP simply because they didn't agree with his warped views! Neither do I, but he's a member of a legitimate political party and this is the land of (supposedly) free speech. You don't like his message, fine - don't vote for him. But howling him down achieves nothing except to push those marginalised white, British voters who feel their views on immigration are being totally ignored by the main parties straight into his arms. It was interesting to watch the programme with the interactive text on. The views of the people writing in were almost a polar opposite of the obviously hand-picked audience. (Incidentally, if racist, homophobic ranting winds these worthy people up so much, how come we never saw any of their faces outside Finsbury Park mosque a couple of years ago?) Anyway, the bottom line was that there was no way the Stalinists at the BBC were ever going to run this particular episode of Question Time to the usual format of a multi-party politcal debate. No, this was badger-baiting, pure and simple, and as a result, I wouldn't be surprised to see the BNP's membership shoot up considerably in the next few days.

22nd October '09 - And here I am again, starving myself until mid-morning, until I can go and have a second load of blood tests, this time to see if my thyroid is out of whack. This could explain my constant tiredness. Mind you, so could 'not getting enough sleep because my little sod of a daughter keeps climbing into our bloody bed at three a.m.'...

21st October '09 - They're keeping it quiet at the moment, but how do you like the sound of 7p on your Income Tax, VAT up to 20% and a substantial hike in National Insurance. Expect one or more of these to start dribbling out between now and Christmas, probably on a day when something big is going on elsewhere. It wouldn't surprise me if a second, deadlier strain of Swine 'Flu was announced shortly. You read it here first...

20th October '09 - Ah, the joys of sitting here typing at five in the morning with a steaming mug of coffee. (Well, I'm typing with a keyboard and sipping the coffee but you get the gist.) For the last three days, I've not set the alarm and simply woken up naturally (half past ten on Sunday - aces!) without being hassled by a five-year-old or an electronic bleep, and you can't imagine how refreshed I feel for it. It won't last now that I'm back at work, but, my God, did I need it!

19th October '09 - Went to see Robin, my dentist (that's 'Mister Bastard' to you), and there was good news and bad news. The good news was that he was able to rebuild my shattered front crown and stick a temporary one in until he could make me a new one. The bad news is that, yet again, I was obliged to hand over my payslip. Oh well, at least I can now smile comfortably again. Until I look in my wallet, that is...

17th October '09 - Everton 1 Wolves 1. If we play like this every week and still get relegated, I'll have no complaints. A great game all round, and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake is only a week or two from being totally match-fit again. He missed two glorious chances here - ones that he'd have buried last season - but he's improving. Craddock was a god at the back and shut Saha out for the whole match. If it wasn't for a momentary lapse of concentration (and Maierhofer being a bit rash), we'd have come away with all three points from a team that finished fifth last season. Great stuff, and more to come!

16th October '09 - Ok, that's me done for a few days. I'm off to Wolverhampton for a relaxing weekend, followed by a Monday morning trip to the dentist to get my knackered crown fixed (or pulled out, whichever costs less.) Meanwhile, Wolves are away at Everton on Saturday, so I'll be back to have a moan about our performance on Sunday. Laters 'taters...

15th October '09 - I'm almost done completing my wish list of PC components for the new gaming rig I'll be building next month. I've deliberately waited until Intel brought out the new i5 'Lynnfield' chip to see if it was any cheaper than their ridiculously-priced i7 'Bloomfield' ones. It is. Substantially so. However, although it runs cooler and draws less power, it also performs some 15-20% poorer. Until I add a liquid-cooling unit to the motherboard and overclock the twangers off it, that is...

14th October '09 - Bollocks. I've broken a sodding tooth again, not three weeks after my last six-monthly trip to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to take out a personal loan for another bastard crown. Either that or he'll decide there's no point and yank it, leaving me with a gap in the middle of my bastard face. Still, looking on the bright side, I did win on the scratchcard I bought to get change for the bus this evening. Paid a quid, won it back. That's about as good as it ever fucking gets round here.

13th October '09 - I'd almost forgotten what fun getting to know a new mobile phone could be. I finally finished updating my contacts this evening, after adding a load of top tunes and downloading a few choice games when it offered me the chance to update the firmware to the latest version. Like a twat, I said 'yes'. Lovely. Now I've got a brand spanking new operating system in it and absolutely no fucking games, music or contacts. Bastard cheap Finnish bastard Nokia crap. Bastards.

12th October '09 - One day. One fucking day was all it took our scumbag MPs to sweep the whole expenses thing under the carpet as they returned from their eighty-two day paid holiday. Our swindling, lying bitch of a Home Secretary - the one whose blatant embezzlement started the whole thing off - will not have to pay back the £177,000 she stole from us. Now there's a surprise. No, she was merely encouraged to offer a grudging apology. So that's alright, then. I said when this whole thing started that none of these bastards would ever have their collar felt and I was fucking right, wasn't I? Fraud and theft are for you and I, the little people. Our 'elected' representatives are above such petty concerns. I am so angry right now I could shit standing. The next person I see on the tube reading 'The Guardian' is going to get the toe of my boot up their arse...

11th October '09 - 'Boyzone' tickets: Now 20% off!

10th October '09 - I've just heard my first piss-poor two quid rocket of the year. Up it went, squealing it's way ineffectually into the Streatham evening sunshine followed by a barely audible 'pop'. Whoopee. It's Bonfire Month again. The little bastards are late this year. Perhaps it's proof of the credit crunch at work. The people that they're mugging simply don't have the cash that they used to...

9th October '09 - Just heard on the radio that Barack Obama has been awarded this year's Nobel Peace Prize. Has the world gone stark, staring mad? What the fuck for? The man hasn't actually DONE anything yet!

8th October '09 - Isn't it time Bruce Forsyth was put into a home?

7th October '09 - I was somewhat confused about my feelings just now as I clicked the 'Buy' button on Amazon for a one terabyte portable hard drive. On the one hand, I was chuffed to bits that I'd managed to pick up that much storage for a mere seventy notes. On the other hand, I was somewhat pissed off to realise that was exactly what I paid for a couple of 16GB USB sticks not six months ago. Cockends.

6th October '09 - Trollop from Hell Jordan is about to release her fourth autobiography. Four entire books about her life? How? Let's see...

"I got my tits done and get them out a lot."
"I turned myself orange."
"I sleep with anyone at least as, or slightly more famous than, I am."
"I get pissed a lot and am a fucking disgace whenever there's a camera around."

Four books? It took me twenty minutes to come up with four lines about the foul cow.

5th October '09 - I had to go for a set of blood tests today following a trip to the doctor last week where we tried to figure out why I was always knackered without mentioning the fact that I was somewhat overweight and worked shifts in a stressful job. The worst part was having to starve all bloody morning while the strong antibiotics she'd given me slowly ate away at my innards like the secretions of the Alien, leaving me doubled up in pain. The first thing I did once I left the surgery was lurch straight into McDonald's like some sort of Chav zombie and stuff a cheeseburger down my neck, which I promptly threw up the minute I got home. Even ill and starving, I'm incapable of eating this shit. Kind of a comforting thought, really...

4th October '09 - This has completely ruined 'The Lord of the Rings' for me. Bastards.

3rd October '09 - Wolves 0 Portsmouth 1. Dreadful. You just knew going into this game that, since we were playing a team who hadn't won a single game this season, we'd be getting turned over. And we were. Utterly shit performances all round, and, after tomorrow's games conclude, we could well be in the drop-zone. How many more times does Keogh have to play before Mick McCarthy realises he's simply not good enough? And how many more referees can there be who hate us? Two clear-cut penalties here and neither of them given. It's like there's a set of unwritten rules that all refs secretly share amongst themselves. There's the one where you have to play as many extra minutes as it takes for Man Utd to score and there's the other one where you don't give the bastards in the gold shirts a fucking inch. I'd bought a few tins of fine Polish lager to enjoy whilst listening to this, but after twenty minutes, I put them back in the fridge as I didn't want to waste them. A dire showing. Sort it out, Michael!.

2nd October '09 - Ireland has finally voted 'yes' to the European Treaty. We didn't get a vote. Gordon simply signed us up anyway because, you see, he knows best and you're just too stupid to be allowed to have a say. Coming soon? Kilometres on the motorway signs, Euros in your pocket and President fucking Blair. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

1st October '09 - The Wildhearts, Shepherd's Bush O2. Another stonking evening's entertainment from Ginger and the lads, who simply get better with each passing year. The stuff from the new album ('Chutzpah!') went down well even though Ginger virtually apologised for having to play it, but once they'd got the new songs out of the way, it was time to tear into the old classics, and time for me to go leaping around like a loon! I've lost track of the number of times I've seen these guys now. I've seen Tori Amos eleven times (before she went mad. Well, madder.) and I've seen Meat Loaf thirteen times, but The Wildhearts? No idea. Got to be north of twenty, though, and each gig is better than the last (well, apart from the 'Endless, Nameless' period, but we don't talk about that.) The only downer of the evening came when I realised that there was nothing to drink in the venue (I don't class Fosters or Carling as drinks), so I ended up nursing a couple of bottles of Tuborg poured into a wobbly glass all evening. Never mind, eh?

30th September '09 - Hot on the heels of yesterday's lacklustre performance by Gordon and his lovely smokescreen (sorry, 'wife'), Britain's biggest newspaper, 'The Sun', came out this morning and announced that, after twelve years of support for Labour, it would from now on be supporting the Conservatives as the best option for Britain's future. The political tide is turning at long last. I wonder if I should now switch my own political allegiances out of sheer contrariness? Change the colour scheme to red and champion whatever Gordon comes out with from now until next May? Or better still, paint the site yellow and start singing the praises of..erm, hang on..what's the bloke's name again?

29th September '09 - Following his 'speech of a lifetime' at today's Labour Party Conference, Gordon Brown will be the subject of a special TV programme tonight on BBC2 which will be asking if he 'still has what it takes to lead the country'.' "Still?" Where the fuck did they get 'still' from? As usual his missus was there to lend her support. "I know he loves his country and will always, always put you first", she said. True, Gordon does love his country. The only trouble is, his country is Scotland, isn't it?

28th September '09 - It's about this time of year that I try to inject a bit of morale and cameraderie into our department by attempting to organise a Christmas meal; not just for my team, but for anyone else who wants to tag along. The trouble is, I simply do not have the spirit or the motivation for it this year. Frankly, jollying the troops should be the responsibility of our disconnected Senior Management, not a poor fucker like me who always ponies up the deposit and finds himself out of pocket afterwards. No, this year I'm afraid it's invite only. I'll take my team of four out, invite a couple of hand-picked guests and leave the rest of them to the mercy of their respective managers. I simply don't have the cash anymore...

27th September '09 - Sunderland 5 Wolves 2. The scoreline is very flattering. Fact is, this was a closely matched game and could've gone either way in the second half. For a neutral viewer, this one would've been an absolutely cracking slice of end-to-end footballing entertainment. Unfortunately, I'm not a neutral viewer, I'm a Wolves fan, and as such, all I can say is 'bollocks!'

26th September '09 - A woman at work today asked me what I thought of Alesha and whether she was a better choice than Arlene or not. Who? What?

24th September '09 - Well, I've finally got an upgrade on my phone and am now the proud owner of a spanking new Nokia N85. There were loads of parameters to consider whilst weighing up the different options available to me in the Orange shop. Size, weight, quality of screen, memory, etc, but basically it came down to this being the only one with 'Pandemonium' as a built-in game. Ah, those fond PSOne memories!

23rd September '09 - Manchester United 1 Wolves 0. And that's us out of the League (sorry, 'Carling') Cup. Still a good game, very open and entertaining, even if it was our half-knackered sick notes versus Fergie's 'B' (and quite possibly 'C') team options. Nothing to be embarrassed about here from what I saw, though - and, yes, I did see it, thanks to a combination of listening to the commentary of Radio Five and watching a live internet feed from Saudi Arabian TV courtesy of this site. Kind of weird seeing the action nine seconds ahead of the commentary, but at least I'm not paying Rupert forty quid a fucking month for the privilege...

22nd September '09 - Regular visitors to this site will be capable of reading between the lines. You know me by now and can spot the difference between me being all fired up with something to say and me being half-pissed and on my soapbox. Well, sorry for wasting your time this evening, but I'm afraid it's the latter. I've been trawling through some old videos on 'YouTube' and I came across a handful of classics that I used to stick on in 'The Giffard Arms' way back when (cue Penfold reminiscing loudly on the Guestbook...) Anyway, I've downloaded at least a dozen of these babies so far, and my favourite by a long chalk is this one. Can't think why...

21st September '09 - I got an email from Orange today telling me I'm due for an upgrade. Now I really love my Nokia 6500 Slide, so I'm a bit wary about chopping it in...and for good reason. Every option in the Orange store is either a Blackberry (which are utterly ridiculous with their pinhead buttons and 'Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy' styling) or a bloody iPhone clone (huge touch-screen affairs that will be scratched to fuck ten minutes after you leave the shop.) They were sub-divided into categories as I perused the choices on offer. It was all 'Best Phones For Music' and 'Best Phones For Photography'. There was even a 'Best Phones For Facebook' section (though I suppose a heading of 'Best Phones For Friendless Wankers' might've caused some offence.) However, at no point did I see a 'Best Phones For Just Dialling In The Fucking Number And Talking To Someone'. Perhaps they've sold out of everything in that particular range...

20th September '09 - Wolves 2 Fulham 1. And those two goals came with Ebanks-Blake, Milljas, Kightly and Maierhofer on the bench! A cracking game, only slightly spoiled by the referee giving Fulham a penalty out of nothing, but three points are three points. I never thought I'd find myself praising Christophe Berra as 'Man of the Match', but he was a defensive god today! Sunderland away next weekend. Bring it on!

19th September '09 - Regarding my Euro Lottery prediction of a few short days ago; everything happened exactly as I said it would, save for one small detail. I didn't even win the poxy fiver this time. Still, some limp-shouldered, Gauloises-smoking onion-seller (wearing a beret and riding a rickety bicycle) is a hundred million Euros richer this morning. I hope he chokes on his camembert...

18th September '09 - Better. Not great, but better. I'm now semi-mobile again thanks to a combination of hard drugs, Ralgex and hot back compresses. I'm also strapped into my old weight-training belt for the first time since 1999 (which is, depressingly, three notches out from when I last used it.) I'm still walking like I've shat myself, but at least I'm up and dressed. Well, mostly. Socks are out of the question since my feet are currently  no-go areas. Like the nettles in our garden, I know exactly where they are, but touching them would cause indescribable agony and so I shall leave them alone. I can, however, sit bolt upright in my nice hard computer chair, which is why I've had a bit of a re-vamp here at the site. Hope you enjoy the new look!

17th September '09 - I am writing this from the comfort of the living room floor, where I am lying face-up and prone after royally shagging my back on the way to work this morning. I've no idea how it happened; I was stepping off the bus and sort of misjudged the depth of the step down. Next thing I knew, I'd missed the kerb completely and something went rip. Somehow I waddled into work, but it was just too fucking painful, so I waddled back to the bus stop and came home.
  The bed was way too soft and attempting to get in caused lights to go off behind my eyes, so I somehow made it down to this lovely, lovely hard wooden floor and here I lie with the netbook on my chest and a hot water bottle under my spine. Frankly, I think I'll be here for quite some time as the slightest movement sets me off whimpering like a spaniel. I've just taken a cocktail of Diazepam and Codeine, so maybe in an hour or two I'll be able to try the bed again.
  For the moment though, I'm staying right here. Herself has taken my boots off and left them on a table next to me. I feel like a corpse waiting to be washed down...

16th September '09 - What's happened to all our irate lorry drivers? A couple of years ago when petrol was eighty-four pence a litre, they were all blockading the M1 into London, full of fire and righteous indignation. Now it's one pound nine and, apparently, none of them give a toss. Perhaps they don't want to call attention to themselves in case the Old Bill search their cabs and find a murdered prostitute or two...

15th September '09 - Let me demonstrate the amazing Derren Brown-like powers of my precognitive mind. I'm going to put thirty quid on this Friday's 'Euro Millions' jackpot. I will not win eighty-five million pounds, but then again, neither will you nor anyone else from the UK. However, I will match two numbers and a bonus ball on one of my twenty lines and will come away with five pound sixty. I will then use my entire winnings to buy Saturday's copy of 'The Sun' and a four pack of Guinness. The following morning, I will read that yet another bloody Frenchman has won it. Again. I'll will curse him for a jammy cheese-eating surrender monkey loudly and with much vigour. I will then forget about the whole thing until the next big-money jackpot comes around, when I will follow the above procedure all over again to the fucking letter. Is that alright with you folks?

14th September '09 - One of the main reasons I don't watch television anymore is that everybody on it is a wanker. I'm not talking about presenters or guests; it's a foregone conclusion that these people are going to be tossers. No, I'm referring to the members of the public who pop up on game shows these days. Years ago, a game show contestant would come on, introduce themselves, share a bit of light-hearted banter with the host and then get on with whatever the game was. Nowadays, every single game one of them thinks they're auditioning for fucking 'Big Brother'. It's all mugging to the camera, whooping to the studio audience and shouting 'yeah!' and 'come on!' before doing whatever it is they're supposed to do. Get some perspective, you cretins. You're not motivating your exhausted team-mates in the last quarter of the Superbowl final, you're trying to win a month's wages off Philip fucking Schofield. Jesus, I hate you all...

13th September '09 - I want to invent something so I can get on 'Dragon's Den'. Not because I want to be rich and famous (though I do), but just so's when Theo comes out with his ridiculously banal "Let me tell you where I am...", I can come straight back with "I can see where you are, you're right there in front of me, you great big mong."

12th September '09 - Blackburn 3 Wolves 1. Blackburn didn't win this, we lost it. Now really, I don't mind Wolves being a bit toothless at the moment what with four first team players still out, but none of them are first-choice defenders and it was our defenders' schoolboy errors that cost us this game. No excuses, the back four were just shit. And, yes, that's aimed at you, Mancienne. We've always known we were going to struggle against the Chelseas and the Man U's, but these matches are the ones we should be looking to get something from. An appalling game. Dissect it. Learn from it. Move on.

11th September '09 - A lovely day! I went to be presented with my NVQ in Management today. Dolled myself up in my finest whistle, had a 'grip n' grin' photo with one of the big cheeses in our organisation, stuffed myself silly at the buffet and all in work's time, too. Blinding. The only downer was that neither my boss or our Development Manager could make it. Ah well, more samosas for the Fish!

10th September '09 - Regarding last night's World Cup qualifier, when was the last time England booked their passage to the finals with two games in hand? Has Fabio Capello switched our team for the Germans or something? Excellent stuff!

9th September '09 - For those of you who don't quite understand what an 'illusionist' does, let me just spell it out for you. If Derren Brown really could predict the Lottery numbers, do you honestly think he'd be wasting his time hosting increasingly shaky 'magic' programmes on Channel Four? Exactly.

8th September '09 - It made me laugh reading the words of that repellent shag Mandelson in the paper this morning. There he was, in all his puffed-up oiliness, banging on about all those naughty people file sharing and evading copyright law. Peter is apparently so incensed, he has agreed that anyone found downloading stuff they're not paying for will have their internet accounts terminated and is in the process of bullying the ISPs into enforcing this. Perhaps Mandy would care to explain exactly how he's going to police this? I'm especially interested in hearing how he expects to follow traffic through an anonymous, encrypted third-party server like BitTorrent. Go on then, Brains. In your own time...

7th September '09 - I've just had it confirmed that 'Costermongers' in Birmingham has finally bitten the dust. A sad day. From bunking off photographic college in Wednesbury at the age of seventeen for a quick pint of Copperhead and a bag of chilli crisps to propping up the bandit and chatting to old Rambo with my mate Bry for hours on end, this place formed part of my life for a nearly a quarter of a century. Even more than the original 'Intrepid Fox', this was the pub that defined me; that felt like my spiritual home. Shit, I'm going to miss this place...

6th September '09 - I've been quite scathing in the past about the American sense of humour. Things like 'Friends' and the painfully unfunny Adam Sandler have gone a long way to convince me that,as a nation, they simply had no concept of how to be amusing. Then I found out about the cult of the 'Three Wolf Moon' T-shirt and it's following on Amazon.com. I can't explain - just go here and start reading the reviews. Fantastic!

5th September '09 - Congratulations to my old mate Greg and his lovely new wife Debs on this, their wedding day. Live long and prosper, dudes!

4th September '09 - Joy! I've just found out that my favourite books are being made into (hopefully several) miniseries by HBO, the company that brought you 'Deadwood' and 'Rome'. George R.R. Martin's sublime 'A Game of Thrones' starts filming next month and stars Sean Bean, Jennifer Ehle and Lena Headey amongst others. Imagine 'Lord of the Rings' without all the wanky elves and hobbits, cross it with The War of the Roses (the actual one, not the crappy Michael Douglas film) and add a dash of The Borgias and you're on the right track. Mix in some sex, murder, incest, gratuitous nudity and shocking violence and voila! THE must-see miniseries of 2011! I'm looking forward to seeing how one of the characters, Arya, is portrayed. She's the one I named my daughter after. Seriously, it's that good. If you ever, ever take just one piece of advice from your humble Fish, go here and buy this book. Go on, do it now!

3rd September '09 - I've just read that John Prescott will be championing Labour's green credentials in the 'Climate Change' arena from now on. This would be 'Two Jags' Prescott, right? Kind of like having Myra Hindley running the Girl Guides, one feels...

2nd September '09 - Go and see a film called 'The Hurt Locker', all about a US bomb-disposal team serving in Iraq. I'm still twitching with adrenaline now. Phew!

1st September '09 - After spending seven hours on the motorway yesterday, I can honestly say that all caravan owners shoud be locked inside their stupid fucking fibreglass boxes and the rest of us allowed to pile brushwood around the outside and set fire to it. The cocks.

23rd - 30th August '09 - St. Ives, Cornwall. Not long enough. Still, we managed to pack a lot in. Watched England win the Ashes while necking lots of Cornish cider, spent two glorious days on Marazion and St. Ives beaches (with regular pasty and St. Austell ale breaks), went to Porthleven to a fabulous restaurant (you've got to try this place. Honestly, the beer-battered fish with wasabi tartare is worth the drive down on its own!), went sliding in a kiddies fun-park (don't ask) and finally had a long look at Pendennis Caslte in Falmouth, where, to mark the five hundredth year of Henry VIII's accession, there were actors in Tudor costume mingling with the visitors. Lovely. All in all, a top week. I was blown away by the night skies down there too, clear as a bell without any glare from city street lights. I spent a few late evenings just staring up and watching the satellites pass over. You tend to forget there's anything other than the moon up there when you live in London...

22nd August '09 - Off for a week in lovely St. Ives. See you in September!

21st August '09 - Remember James Cameron? The genius director behind Terminator, Terminator 2 and Aliens disappeared from the radar after sweeping the board with Titanic back in 1998. Where has he been? What has he been doing? Well, he's been pushing back the boundaries of technology again like he did with CGI in The Abyss and T2 and with underwater imaging in Titanic, only this time he's invented an entirely new 3D camera system. For this. My jaw hurts from when it banged the floor just now...

20th August '09 - I found out at work today that I wasn't successful in my application for promotion. This means I won't be getting to spend all my time in meetings with the Senior Management Team and I won't be losing four thousand pounds a year in shift pay. You can just taste the bitterness of my crushing disappointment, can't you?

19th August '09 - Chief Executives at Radio One are apparently baffled as to why their listening figures are still dropping through the floor despite a heavy marketing push that has included spending vast amounts of licence-payer's money on cinema adverts. I may be slightly off the mark here, but I would've thought the lack of listeners was down to the station not playing any tune more than five years old and having a raft of talentless, self-satisfied pricks behind the microphone. Here, then, is one of the fundamental problems with the BBC. The right-on twenty-something spermheads responsible for making the programmes are not catering to the market, they're making them for themselves. They think that Chris Moyles is God's gift to radio, so Chris Moyles is what we get, despite the fact that everyone hates the fat bastard and switches off the moment he opens his gob. The same mindset is responsible for the continued existence of Jonathan Ross's career, too. Depressing.

18th August '09 - Wigan 0 Wolves 1. When the radio utters the words "...and Andy Keogh as the lone striker up front", it doesn't exactly inspire confidence, but the boy certainly earned his pay slip here! To be fair, Wigan were shonky and the ref had a howler, but despite them having a good 65-70% of the play, they never looked that threatening, especially when Koumas was on the ball. Every time the ex-Albion striker picked it up, he got treated to a deafening chorus of boos from the travelling Barmy Army. Quite put the poor lad off his stroke! Anyway, we've broken our duck, put three points in the bag and can now look forward to the mighty Man City on Saturday. I wonder if any of our six injured first-team players will be back by then?

17th August '09 - Aah! That wonderful feeling that only comes with knowing that there's a mere four days of work left before I can chill out for a lovely week in Deepest Cornwall. Let's hope this weather holds up, eh?

16th August '09 - Sony pictures have just green-lit the next two 'Spider Man' movies. Hands up who gives a shit?

15th August '09 - Wolves 0 West Ham 2. Cock. Still, it wasn't as bad as the scoreline suggests. Both teams had the same number of chances and were fairly evenly matched. It's just that the Hammers finished theirs when they came along whereas we wasted our balls. Or gave them to Keogh. The good? Milijas looks a bit special and Mancienne has slotted straight back into a team he hasn't seen for eight months. The bad? SEB off with a hamstring knock. Not looking good for us at Wigan on Tuesday...

14th August '09 - Wolves have re-signed Mancienne on loan from Chelsea. Yes!

13th August '09 - My big sis's birthday, and as she's down in London for a U2 concert (taste in music doesn't run in our family), we all went out for a meal. I've often passed this place on the way to and from work, but never been in. What a mistake! Awesome food, great service and a funky (if a little loud) atmosphere. We had a really great time, the portions were huge and the staff couldn't do enough to make sure we enjoyed ourselves. They also introduced me to my new favourite food. Deep-fried jalapenos in breadcrumbs stuffed with cream cheese and served with a hot salsa dip. I now want to eat nothing but this three times a day for the rest of my life. Washed down with ice-cold bottles of Sol. Blinding!

12th August '09 - I've been asked to be a Best Man again. The last time I did this involved a week in Corfu where I almost got the groom drowned after convincing him to be dragged behind a speedboat in a large rubber ring for a laugh. (Hey, how was I to know he'd flip upside down the moment he shot of the jetty?) We both ended up skint, sunburnt to buggery and were so hoarse from alcohol and tobacco abuse that we had difficulty speaking our lines on the day, so I was initially a bit reluctant to agree to the duty once more. Happily, this time, the event will be in Bedford, so I expect it to be a far more grown-up and sedate affair. Unless I can get access to some mind-altering pharmaceuticals by the fifth of September, that is...

11th August '09 - I had a thought about this promotion lark today. I really don't see why I should have to forward reams of paperwork to my Line Manager justifying myself and my achievements. Surely if he was any good at his job, he'd know how good I was at mine, wouldn't he? I put this to him over the phone. He hung up on me, laughing...

10th August '09 - I'm somewhat bemused everytime I see some minor celebrity sobbing their eyes out after tracing their ancestors on the BBC's 'Who Do You Think You Are?' programme. I'm not sure I could connect with my great-great-grandfather, even if I found out he was a general in the Crimean War or the inventor of the sheep or something. However, I'm sure that in a century or so, should one of my daughter's grandchildern become famous, they'll no doubt be weeping buckets when they find out that they're descended from me...

9th August '09 - Apparently, that odious reptile Peter Mandelson is in charge of the country this week while Gordon Brown is on holiday. Leaving aside for a moment the fact that an unelected member of the House of Lords is covering for a Prime Minister nobody voted for, my main concern is that this is Peter bloody Mandelson we're talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd sold Downing Street complete with furniture and carpets by the time the fat Scotch halfwit had cleared Customs...

8th August '09 - West Scumwich Albion 1 Newcastle 1. I think it's going to be a lo-o-ng season for both these teams of stripey shagwits. Still, why should I care? They're not even in our division! Arf! Arf!

7th August '09 - Well, yesterday saw my annual attendance at the Great British Beer Festival, and a good time was had by all. The only downer (if you could call it that) was that this year, we actually managed to get a taste of most of the top three beers as voted for by the CAMRA bigwigs. Usually, the winning ales are all gone by the Thursday, but not this year so we had a swift half of each in the interests of scholarly research and...well...we were somewhat disappointed. The winning beer ( a ruby mild) was best descibed as being 'alright', the second place beer was off and the third place one smelled like canal water and tasted about the same. God knows what the CAMRA boys' palates are like, but we managed to find some far tastier beverages, the king of which was Amber Breweries 'Chocolate Orange Stout' from Derbyshire, which sounds disgusting but was actually the sort of ale you'd stab someone for another pint of. We stood by that particular barrel and pretty much drank the lot. Look out for it. Glorious!

5th August '09 - Yay! The Great British Beer Festival 2009 is underway and there's only one more day before I get to sample lots of lovely, lovely ale. CAMRA have just posted the list of this year's winning brews here. Are you familiar with any of them? If not, why don't you pop along to Earls Court tomorrow and join me as I work my way through the list. To make it easier for you this year, I'll be the one in the Wolverhampton Wanderers top with 'Billy The Fish' on the back. Go on, you know it makes sense!

4th August '09 - Here's my favourite new band right now. Absolutely awesome!

3rd August '09 - As a representative of the lowest link on the managerial chain, I occasionally get lumbered with some unpleasant chore as part of my day to day duties that the members of the SMT can't be arsed with. Today, I had to undertake a 28 day home visit for a colleague who's been off long-term sick. I didn't particularly want to spoil his day sitting in his house talking bollocks any more than he wanted to listen to me, so I called him up and pitched an idea to him. "How about we meet at that nice pub by the canal down the road from you and have a spot of lunch in the garden?" Needless to say, the chap was sold, so that's what we did.
  Ten minutes of paperwork and welfare-type formalities, then a lovely bowl of chilli nachos and a pint of lemonade (I was driving) followed by a good old chat in the sunny garden watching the ducks on the water and putting the world to rights. He had a couple of ales and we both had a thoroughly pleasant couple of hours, which was only spoiled when I had to go back to work for the second half of my shift.
  I wish I had a manager like me.

2nd August '09 - Well, it looks like it may be true after all. I spent what could well be a final happy evening in Costermonger's last night, where we were informed that the joint would be closing it's doors on the 15th of this month. Nobody either in front of or behind the bar knew why, who the buyer was or what would happen to the premises, but it's a fair bet that whatever it re-opens as will be a boozer in some shape or form. There's no upstairs to the place and no shop-window frontage - it's basically a set of steps into a cellar with a bar at the bottom, so there ain't a lot else you can do with the premises. Anyway, I had a last bottle of Newcastle Brown for old time's sake then went home wondering how long it will now take some bastard to purchase Scruffy's. A sad evening.

1st August '09 - I'll be building a new PC this winter (once Windows 7 and the new DirectX 11 graphics cards are released), and although I've pretty much picked all my components out, such as the OCZ Vertex solid state gaming drive, the two terabyte hard drive and the Blu-Ray re-writer, I still can't decide upon one crucial electronic item, though. Shall I go for a really fast graphics card or an insanely fast graphics card? Decisions, decisions...

30th July '09 - Hearing rumours that the mighty 'Costermongers' rock pub in Birmingham is about to close. I've been going in there since the mid-Eighties. I had short hair when I first set foot in Costers! (Yes, I know I've got really short hair now, but that's not what I mean. I mean before I grew it long and had a ponytail and then went bald sort of timescale.) The place has been part of my life since I first started going out. We used to get the train from Wolverhampton to Birmingham just for a beer in Costers before we learned to drive, for God's sake! Is nothing sacred anymore? Man, I'm depressed...

29th July '09 - There's an opportunity for me to go for promotion at work. Should I be successful, the first thing they will do is take me off the shift pattern. Ok, let's examine this for a moment, shall we? More responsibility, more stress, less money. Hmm.

28th July '09 - I've not been quite myself lately. Tired, irritable and always feeling a bit 'down' - not the usual jovial Fish you all know and tolerate. At first I thought maybe it was all the stress of the NVQ I was doing or maybe a fallout from the current reorganisations at work, but that would imply I thought those things were really important parts of my life, which they're patently not. So what could it be? Swine 'flu? Nope, not yet, and anyway despite what the Government is telling you to take your mind off their expense fiddling, swine 'flu is simply a milder version of the normal seasonal variety. What then? Why am I feeling like this? Then it dawned on me. It's almost August and I haven't been to Cornwall yet. I'm obviously suffering from a particularly vicious attack of SPD - Seasonal Pasty Disorder. My God, I haven't had a large steak one from Philps of Marazion for fourteen months! To make matters worse, I've not supped a freshly-pulled pint of Sharp's Special in all that time, either. Luckily, the end of this terrible malaise is in sight. Only four weeks to go and I will be cured. It's a miracle! Hallelujah!

27th July '09 - As I've been out of the loop for the past week or so, I thought I'd check in with my beloved Wolves to see how the pre-season preparations for a year in the Premiership were coming along. Well, we've just had a friendly with Bristol City which we lost 2-0 and prior to that we had one against the mighty Port Vale, which we lost 2-1. Hmm. Still, could be worse. Newly relegated Newcastle were slaughtered 6-1 by Leyton Orient while wearing their new comedy away kit. Oops!

26th July '09 - Apparently, the new 'Transformers' movie is shit, even with more shonky robot tomfoolery and more Megan Fox arse footage. Wow. Never saw that coming...

25th July '09 - Finally got all the pieces of my NVQ together, save for one or two bits of covering evidence, such as graphs and charts. That's it. I'm finally done with formal education and self-development. At the age of forty, for fuck's sake...

19th July '09 - I'm off for a few days now, as I've got to finish the final write-ups for my NVQ in Management. To be honest, I wish I'd never started the bleeder. I'm sick of the sight of 'Encouraging Innovation', 'Implementing Change' and 'Providing Leadership' and I've not even considered looking around for a promotion yet. Never mind, though. Once this is done, I get my free time back and can turn my attention to my next challenge - building my own big fuck-off gaming PC all ready for 'Bioshock 2' in November! Oh yes! Anyway, back on the 25th...

18th July '09 - Most of the blokes at work believe that the moon landings were real, too. I have been officially designated the departmental 'conspiracy theory fruitcake' today. I can't believe a bunch of photographers can't recognise pictures shot under studio lighting when they see them, but frankly, fuck 'em. My faith in the ability of my fellow professionals to spot the bleeding obvious has been irreparably damaged. They'll be telling me next that Wolves will be going straight back down next season, the poor, deluded fools...

16th July '09 - ...And three weeks today, it'll be Great British Beer Festival time once again! Woo Hoo!

15th July '09 - CAMRA sent me my membership renewal today, together with a 'thank-you' consisting of a shit-load of '50p off a pint at Wetherspoons' vouchers. They're also running it as a  promotion for all new recruits, so what are you waiting for?

14th July '09 - Spent two hours in a pointless meeting at work today trying to figure out how, under the new team restructuring proposals, we can run a 24/7 shift pattern with seven people. The Senior Management Team had tasked us in the 'working group' to come up with possible solutions. Sadly, my answer of 'you can't, don't be so fucking ridiculous' was not deemed to be either relevant or particularly helpful and so I resigned myself to staying fairly quiet after the initial brainstorming session...

13th July '09 - I happened to respond to an article on the American movie site 'Ain't It Cool News' this evening which was full of pride at the fortieth anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing and it all went a bit Pete Tong. All I said was that it was obviously all done on a film set and looked bollocks even back then, and, to a man, the fuckers went for me! Amazing! I had no idea the Yanks were still swallowing this one after four decades, but apparently they are. Almost ninety per cent of them, according to my research. Like old Abe Lincoln said, you can fool all of the people some of the time...

12th July '09 - I've just checked my Euro Lottery ticket and found that I've won £6.90. Unfortunately, it cost me £7.50 to do so. Arsecakes.

11th July '09 - Went to an Eighties fancy dress party this evening. The Fishwife back-combed her hair, slapped on the purple eyeshadow and raided Primark for beads and leg-warmers. I simply pulled my old college-days 'Marillion' denim down from the wardrobe and hey presto - it was 1987 again. Then, when we got there, I simply stood at the bar with a bunch of outrageously-dressed blokes sipping cider while the girls bopped round their handbags to Spandau Ballet. Actually, now I come to think of it, it was almost exactly like being back in the 1987. The only difference was that this time, at the end of the evening, I went home with a woman...

10th July '09 - Bloody hell, that was good! I've just watched the final episode of 'Torchwood' and it was a belter. Very dark and very enjoyable. I can't remember the last time I stayed in on a Friday night because there was something unmissable on the telly! I would say I will definitely be watching any future episodes of the programme, but after that ending I'm not sure there'll be any! Still, that was a great bit of British sci-fi and there's always room for more of that. Now how about that 'Blake's 7' remake?

8th July '09 - There's less than a month to go until the Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court! How the hell did that happen? Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies, however, like bananas...

7th July '09 - I really didn't want to, but I started watching the new five-part 'Torchwood' on BBC1 tonight. Partly because I've never actually seen the programme (Captain Jack Gay Issues kept putting me off) and partly because I'm paying for the fucking BBC whether I watch it or not. Anyway,  the trailer looked a bit 'Quatermass', so I figured why not? You almost never get five part dramas playing out over consecutive nights, so I decided to give it a go. Well, it's not bad from what we've seen so far. Yes, the Russell T. Davies gay agenda is as heavy-handed as I'd always imagined, but there was an engaging story in there somewhere (most of it stolen from John Wyndham), so I shall be back for more tomorrow. That Welsh bint is a bit of alright, too...

5th July '09 - In a few short weeks, once the Michael Jackson circus has died down, we'll all be bored shitless by the fortieth anniversary celebrations of Neil Armstrong not landing on the moon. I'm not usually one for conspiracy theories - Elvis is dead, Oswald killed JFK and there's no such thing as UFOs - but I firmly believe there is no way whatsoever the Yanks pulled off a successful moon landing back in '69 using computers with the processing power of a Sega Mega Drive. If they'd landed there forty years ago, they'd have a fucking 'Starbucks' up there now, wouldn't they? Anyway, if you think I'm talking bollocks, have a look here. Food for thought...

4th July '09 - There was some cock on the radio this morning banging on about the 'green shoots of recover' and saying that we were 'turning the corner' of the recession. Let's wait until November and see what happens to our National Insurance payments before blowing the trumpets, shall we? And then, once Christmas is nicely loaded up on the credit card, let's see what Alistair has in mind for VAT. Will it go back to the rate it was before, do you think? Or will he be unable to resist the temptation to hike it up to twenty per cent? Trust me, the only green shoots you're likely to see for the next eighteen months at least are if you decide to dye your pubes...

3rd July '09 - The White Horse (aka the 'Sloaney Pony' in Parson's Green) was running it's American Beer Festival Weekend again this year, so we decided to pop along after work to see what was on. There were far more draught ales than last year's inaugural festival, but what caught my eye was the four different Rogue bottled beers on the bottom shelf of the wine cooler. There was 'Dead Guy Ale', 'Mocha Porter', 'American Amber Ale' and - oh my God - 'Rogue Chocolate Stout', the finest bottled beer in creation. So I had one of each. Then I had another Chocolate Stout for the road, before wobbling off home a very happy man. I was also a very skint man, as they were charging £6.75 a bottle. Still, I don't care. I tend to pay that for a bottle of red and I've never enjoyed any wine half as much as I enjoyed that sweet, sweet beer. Here's hoping that Rogue turn up at the Earls Court next month!

2nd July '09 - Rumour Control! Apparently, Gillian Anderson is being lined up to play renegade Time Lord 'The Rani' in David Tennant's last-ever 'Doctor Who' appearance before he regenerates into new boy Matt Smith. You read it here first, monkeys!

1st July '09 - I simply cannot believe what I heard on the radio this morning. Michael Martin, the disgraced ex-Speaker of the House of Commons, is going to be given a Peerage and elevated to the House of Lords. Why? For what, exactly? Presiding over the most corrupt, money-grabbing political regime in British history? This astonishing little revelation illustrates two very salient facts. Firstly, that the scumbags in Westminster still don't get how angry the public are over their years of embezzling and secondly, that the Queen is either woefully politically naive or suffering from advanced senile dementia if she's putting her seal on this. It's time for a revolution, comrades. Where's my beret?

30th June '09 - I don't know about you, but I'm sick of the sight of Michael bloody Jackson. If I hear 'Billie Jean' once more, I'm going to set fire to something...

29th June '09 - Ye gods, it's hot! I've just come off Nights and it was well over twenty-five degrees when I walked out of the building at seven o'clock this morning. I'd spent the whole shift in air-conditioned bliss, so to be slapped in the face with a wall of heat when I opened the door to leave was a bit of an eye-opener. Have you ever tried to sleep when the temperatire is rapidly climbing up to the thirty degreee mark? It ain't pleasant...

28th June '09 - I can't leave it alone. This Windows 7 is the puppy's pods! Because my little Asus Eee hasn't got a disc drive (it's Solid State, dear. Tiny as fuck, but very, very fast!), I had to create a virtual drive on a USB stick to load it on. Bit of a pain in the hoop, but boy, was it worth it! It started up in ten seconds, then *ping* it found the built in webcam that Ubuntu couldn't see. A couple of seconds later and *ping*, it had linked itself in with my wireless box (that alone took an hour of typing with Linux). The clincher came when, on a whim, I shoved the Vodafone USB dongle in that I'd bought in January, only for Ubuntu to completely ignore. *Ping*, there you go, Bill. Would you like to use this Vodafone connection or stick with the old Orange Livebox? This is what mobile computing is all about. Now watch me take it work and drop it...

27th June '09 - After months of perserverance, I've given up pissing about with Linux. Sorry, boys, I know it's open source and all that, but it's such a fucking ball-ache adding lines of bloody code when all you want to do is click on something and have it work first time. After being presented with yet another six line algorithm on the netbook this morning, I decided that enough was enough, so out went Ubuntu and in went the beta version of Windows 7. This should be interesting. And expensive if I don't uninstall it before March...

26th June '09 - Well, it's goodbye to Michael Jackson, and I'm sure this'll be one of those moments that everyone remembers where they were when they heard the news and how they reacted. Me, I'd just booked on for Night Duty and my first thought was "Oh shit, I hope he's not here in London, I'm going to be out for fucking hours!" Happily, this uncaring attitude was swiftly replaced with one more reflective of my true nature. "Poor Bubbles..."

25th June '09 - They keep telling us there's a credit crunch, but it took me over twenty minutes to drive the half-mile length of Clapham High Street at ten o'clock tonight because of all the people outside the bars, drinking in the street, wandering in and out of the traffic or simply looking for a place to park. It's a Thursday night, for the love of God! Why aren't they in bed for work tomorrow? Where are they getting their money from? Can I have some?

24th June '09 - Another day, another exam. I'm coming to the end of my NVQ studies and today brought a full-on seminar on Health and Safety Leadership in the Workplace, followed by a written exam with a pass rate of 70% or better. The building where it was held was without working air-con and we all sat there sweating over our papers in a thirty degree sauna. Oh, the irony...

23rd June '09 - It was 'The Wildhearts'. One of my favourite bands. I should really have taken it easy with all those pints of Copperhead I necked in The Giffard back in the day...

22nd June '09 - It never gets boring living here in London. I was up the West End again this afternoon, when who should I see but him off the telly! No sooner had I recovered from that when I noticed, standing right behind me, her out of that thing! You know, the one who wore that outfit! You could've knocked me down with a feather! What a city! Marvellous!

21st June '09 - I have taken to wearing a pork pie hat. People have taken to laughing at me. I'm thinking 'smart and snappy'. They're thinking 'dobber'. C'est la vie.

20th June '09 - I spent a very happy half hour this evening on a computer website designing my own custom gaming rig. Solid state hard drives, quad graphics, 7:1 sound - all the bells and whistles. Then I added everything up and saw that it'd cost about three grand, so I pressed the 'delete' button. Out of curiosity, I then went onto a pc component stockist and was amazed to find that if I bought all the bits I wanted and built my own, I'd be looking at something like sixteen hundred notes. Hmm...I wonder...

19th June '09 - I had a bit of a 'senior moment' today. For weeks now, I've been reminding myself that the next time I was in the West End, I had to pop into Stargreen and pick up some tickets. Today, I found myself outside Stargreen completely unable to remember where I'd put the receipt. Worse, I'd forgotten who the fucking hell I was supposed to be seeing. I stood there like a stuffed tit outside the shop reading the listings in the window for five minues before eventually wandering off and buying an ice-cream. I'm home now typing this and I've still got no idea. I shall go through all my old emails, find the confirmation and let you know. Jesus.

18th June '09 - People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Not unless they're really, really soft stones and they throw them ever so gently. Preferably towards an open door.

17th June '09 - The Government (you know, the one that doesn't actually control any councils anymore) has just announced that we are all getting an extra £6 per year slapped on our phone bills to pay for fast broadband access for those who are currently without it. So people who live in beautiful, remote places from Mullion Cove to Coille Bheag will soon be able to engage in a spot of frantic online Counter Strike or Team Fortress 2 multiplayer action whenever they get bored of staring at the breathtaking scenery or listening to the waves crash against the shingle. The jammy bastards.

16th June '09 - A seventy-three year old geezer from Bolton has become the latest Euro Lottery 'super jackpot' winner after picking up £75 million last Friday. Predictably, the first thing the old git came out with was the tired old adage of it 'not going to change his life'. Then why did you play in the first place, you doddering old fool? What's the betting he stays in exactly the same house in bloody Bolton and does nothing except get a new pigeon coop or have his shed windows done? Senile knob.

15th June '09 - That fat Scotch pissbag has announced a new smoke-screen to deflect attention away from the fact that everbody wants him to go. Apparently, we're finally going to have an inquiry into the Iraq war. Unfortunately, it will be held in private by Government appointed lapdogs and is therefore unlikely to reach the same conclusions that the rest of us have; namely that we were fed a load of lies and spin so that the jug-eared grinning goon could play the big man on the world stage by backing up his half-wit American pal and go kicking the shit out of a country for no apparent reason. Any half-decent inquiry would declare the war illegal, charge Blair with war-crimes, find him guilty of being complicit in the deaths of 179 British soldiers and hang the fucker, but somehow, I don't see this being the outcome here. Pass the whitewash, vicar...

14th June '09 - You've got to hand it to Mr. Armoured Dinner Jacket, the newly 're-elected' Iranian President. Hold a general election, rig the result so that you win against all the prevailing opinion polls, wait for all you opponents to crowd the streets in protest and then simply get your army to shoot them. He might look like Sonny Bono's idiot brother, but he's not stupid, is he?

13th June '09 - What a lovely sunny weekend we're having! This is traditionally the week that I go to Cornwall, but this year we're having an August visit. What's the betting it'll be pissing down by then?

11th June '09 - I've just read through the last couple of posts and have to apologise. I really shouldn't take things too seriously. I should count my blessings that I still have a job in these turbulent times. I could so easily be on the dole, couldn't I? Imagine how awful that would be! Waking up naturally every morning instead of being shocked out of slumber at 05:00. Not having to work a Night Shift. Having no reason whatsoever to remain in shitty London. It doesn't bear thinking about...

10th June '09 - I'm in shock. It's my own fault, but I genuinely believed that, as a low-level manager, the people higher up the food chain than myself must, by definition, be better managers than I. I know how tricky I find the role, yet I think I do a good job and what I put in place using my organisational skills does tend to work, and so I get the job done and look after my team in the process. I always thought that the higher managers worked in pretty much the same way, only with more responsibility. However, after spending sixteen months conducting a 'review' of my department, they are now going to form 'consultancy groups' with the staff to find out how to 'implement change'. In other words, they've cherry-picked the bits they want to keep, but they're out of ideas as to what to do with the rest (ie, my bit). They won't sack us, so it's down to the people on the consultancy groups to figure out exactly how we'd like to fuck up our own jobs and then report back to them so they can rubber stamp it. Coming to realise, as I have in the last couple of days, that the people you've looked up to and aspired to be like genuinely don't know what they're doing has been a sobering experience for me. I confess to feeling a bit foolish at my naievity...

9th June '09 - Duty Officer week again. Tied to the phones dealing with all sorts of idiotic requests and tasking disinterested staff with uninspiring work. In the future, the Director of our organisation sees this as being pretty much the only role for my grade when we relocate to our new areas. After booking everyone on duty, I sat down with a bit of paper and worked a few details out. I was amazed to find that if I told them to shove their 'management' role up their hoop and went back to being a 'basic' grade, I'd keep my shift, keep my operational vehicle and be around four thousand quid a year better off. The downside, of course, is that I'd no longer enjoy all the wonderful perks of being a 'manager', such as writing reports, compiling figures, creating personal development reviews, filling out sickness returns, allocating annual leave and generally dealing with a never-ending bunch of moaning arseholes day in, day out. Fuck me, what a dilemma...

8th June '09 - The BNP apparently won a couple of seats in the European Parliament. I'm looking forward to seeing them have their interviews dubbed with a ridiculous, slightly effeminate voice like they used to do with Gerry Adams back in the day...

7th June '09 - As I drove into work this morning, it was absolutely lashing down and a serious thunderstorm was turning Clapham High Street into a river. Just as I pulled up at the lights opposite Kennington Church, I looked into the distance and saw a massive jagged bolt of lightning strike the 'Gherkin' a few miles ahead of me. At that precise moment, the car radio went dead and the most mind-buggering bang of thunder rattled the windows. Cool! I love weather like this. Bizarrely, on the way home eight hours later, it was blazing sunshine and twenty degrees. That'll be 'climate change' then. Best we all give Alistair some more taxes...

5th June '09 - Bit of a red letter day today. We finally had the review of our department a mere sixteen months after it was announced. In a nutshell, it looks like the team I left two years ago (the one I helped create and spent thirteen years in) will be given everything they want and a bag to put it in, while my current team will be strip-mined of ten staff, split into four and shoved out to various buildings around London. Being a 'management' grade, they saved the best 'til last for us. We will be sent out with the rest of the troops, only we will no longer be required to work a shift, merely to act in a training and advisory role for other staff during office hours. In practical terms, this means that I lose a fifteen per cent shift allowance, Inner London weighting and a dedicated operational vehicle. In REALLY practical terms, I lose the ability to actually take photographs as the professionally qualified Photographer they employed me as, gain an hour and a quarter commute twice a day and forfeit one-seventh of my total annual salary into the bargain. The Director did stress however that he saw my grade as being 'pivotal to the future training and development of imaging services throughout our organisation.' Which was nice.

4th June '09 - The Fishwife has graciously agreed to let me buy a Nintendo Wii with the 'Guitar Hero: Metallica' game (complete with the skull guitar!), but only if I buy her this when it comes out. Hmm...

3rd June '09 - I've been toying with the idea of a Nintendo Wii. Partly because The Fishwife wants the Wii Fit wobble-board exercise thing (all the other Mums have one) and partly because the ten pin bowling is a hoot. However, I decided today that on no account will I ever be getting one, because if I did, I'd have to buy this and that would mean I'd get sacked, because there's no way I would ever leave the house again.

2nd June '09 - For the first time in my life, I have bought a new Wolves football top before the season starts. As of August, we're a Premier side and I don't want to waste a single day of the experience, so I was in the Wolves shop today getting my brand new home shirt with the lairy new 'SportingBet' logo. Then, in a moment of madness and for reasons that escape me, I decided to have the number '09' printed on the back and 'Billy The Fish' printed across the shoulders. Naturally, they then asked me if I wanted the Barclays Premier shoulder logos too (and I felt it would be rude not to) and so that's how I came to pay seventy quid for a football shirt. Ah fuck it, it's only once a decade, isn't it?

1st June '09 - Hang on, it's June. Bloody June! Where in God's name did that come from? Half way through the year and I have no idea where the time has gone. People say that the years fly by quicker as you get older, which is frankly worrying. It seems about six weeks since I put the Christmas tree up and in what will no doubt feel like another six weeks, I'll be doing it again. The only consolation I have is that I've just realised it's only two months until the Beer Festival. Man, I need a Tardis...

31st May '09 - Woke up to the sound of sirens at half six this morning. Welcome home.

30th May '09 - It was only meant as a quick break, but the pace of life up here somehow alters time. It felt like I'd been there for a whole week. I was chilled and relaxed and stayed that way until we touched down at Heathrow. On the way to the airport, we stopped off for a look at the Forth Bridge. The sun was shining and it was twenty-five degrees. Beneath the bridge itself is a little shingle beach where Arya and I went searching for crabs in the rock pools. There was nobody else about, as all the fat tourists were stuffing their faces with shortbread in the cafe opposite. Finally, it was time to get back to Edinburgh Airport and fly back to London. Bleh. At least the flight was memorable. Not a cloud in the sky all the way home. Then we reached shitty London and it took us an hour and a half to drive fourteen miles home after it had taken less than an hour to fly down from Scotland. Traffic jams on the A40 and stuck in a queue with some piece of shit in a BMW playing gangsta rap so loud it was resonating our internal organs from two cars back. I hate this city. I fucking hate it.

29th May '09 - Took the bus into Edinburgh and had a day wandering around with the wife while my daughter spent her day in the country with Uncle John and Grandma. On the whole, I think she got the better deal. There's nothing wrong with Edinburgh per se, it's just that I seem to be all city'd out. They're all the same. Same shops, same rush, same gridlock (though Edinburgh's traffic is wa-a-ay worse than London.) After three hours, I'd seen enough tartan and shortbread to las me a lifetime, so we hpped on a tourbus and spent a happy hour on the open top deck listening to the guide. Next, we jumped off at the Scott Monument and walked up to the top. If spiral staircases no wider than your own shoulders are your thing, then you'll love this. Great views from the top, but it doesn't half knacker your calves. Came down, had a pub lunch in the sun (Scottish beer was pretty much the only disappointment of the whole break) and caught the bus back to Biggar, where Uncle John lives, and had the world's biggest fish supper. Great day.

28th May '09 - I had no idea that Scotland would be as empty as this. As soon as you get out of Edinburgh, it's just mile after mile of rolling hills and sheep. Lovely. We unpacked at our digs and then spent the morning walking around here and comparing it with the hideously PC eco-toilet that is the Eden Project. Maybe in another couple of centuries, Eden will have bedded in and aquired similar serenity and beauty, but somehow I doubt it. The afternoon was spent relaxing at my Uncle John's house, which is three miles from the nearest village. His next-door neighbour is just over a mile up the road. I sat in the sun on John's garden bench with a glass of wine and watched the shadows of the clouds chase each other over the hills in front of his house. So peaceful. John said that in the winter, they regularly get snowed in and often don't see another living soul for days on end. I can't think of anything more perfect, to be honest...

27th May '09 - Right, I'm off to Heathrow. Me and the girls are having a couple of days in Edinburgh with my Uncle John. I don't know what the weather will be like and I don't give a stuff - at least I'm not in London. Anyway, back on the 30th, possibly with a nice single malt in tow...

26th May '09 - I love the Night Shift when it's like this. Absolutely pissing down. The more it rains, the less likely there'll be wankers out and about being weary and making work for me to do. Let it rain, baby, let it rain. Wash all the scumbags off the streets.

25th May '09 - You know those Tamils in Parliament Square? Yep, that's right...

24th May '09 - The steroids are kicking in. I'm now several shades lighter than I was two days ago. Not quite so 'Hellboy' any more, more sort of 'Piglet'. Lovely.

23rd May '09 - Remember my thoughts on the new 'Wolverine' movie a few days back? Well, the new 'Terminator' one is pretty much the same by all accounts. And there's 'Transformers 2' to look forward to after that. God bless Hollywood. Still, those of you who like Sci-Fi and possess a brain might like to have a quick gander here and here. Perfect antidotes to the shit I've just mentioned...

22nd May '09 - Well, I'm impressed. I had to visit Accident & Emerrency at St. George's Hospital this morning, as I woke up with a huge red face - some sort of allergic infection thingy. Down I went expecting four hours af weariness (I even took a novel along to keep me occupied), but within five minutes I was being assessed by a great nurse called Ian (Gillingham fan, had a chat about Jarvis) and less than twenty minutes after that, I'd seen the duty doc who'd examined me, taken some blood and prescribed some steroids. Add another ten minutes for the trip to Pharmacy and I was out within the hour. All in all, the entire round trip took as long as the average Newcastle match and proved to be a good deal more entertaining, even with the needles. God bless the NHS!

21st May '09 - There is - get this - a drive-thru 'Krispy Kreme' doughnut emporium at the Shannon Corner junction of the A3. Henceforth, all jobs I go to will require a mandatory detour via New Malden. Even if they happen to be in Dagenham. Mmm...original glazed!

20th May '09 - After finally realising the game is up, Michael Martin; the fat, useless Scotch parasite masquerading as Speaker of the House of Commons, has decided to throw the towel in. Yes, being universally condemned on all sides over the expenses scandal has ensured that his position is untenable and there is no choice but to go...to the House of Lords, where he'll pick up a £1.4 million pension along with his Peerage. That'll teach the fucker, eh?

19th May '09 - Got my voting slip through today. Unfortunately, it's not my opportunity to get shot of Gordon, but it is my chance to influence who represents my interests in the European Parliament. Following it through the door came a flyer for the Labour Party. Laugh? I nearly passed my fags round...

18th May '09 - Went down to Croydon this morning to see the new 'Star Trek' film. Not bad at all, and well worth your time, but should you choose to go yourself, may I suggest you avoid doing so at a 'Vue' cinema. Forget the ticket price, two one litre bottles of water and a large popcorn to share came to £9.60! It's a good job the seats were comfy, as I needed a fucking sit down after examining what was left of my change...

16th May '09 - West Bromwich Albion have been relegated from the Premier League. You know, the one that Wolves will be in next season. I shouldn't gloat...but I'm going to! Nyuk! Nyuk!

15th May '09 - Twenty-one years after the debut of his novel 'The Satanic Verses', Salman Rushdie now feels that the dangerous climate of religious fervour from the Muslim world that surrounded its initial printing has subsided to the point where the sequel can finally be released. 'Allah, You C*nt' will be published next month...

14th May '09 - Although the Nu-Labour State Information Service (or the 'BBC' as it likes to call itself) has long since given up drawing your attention to it, the fact remains that those hundreds of Tamil protestors that I was moaning about last month are still fucking there outside Parliament, shouting and kicking off at the police and occasionally swarming past them for a nice sit down in the road. I'm not going to honk anymore about this being the only country stupid enough to put up with this. No. Instead, I will offer a solution. Given that the bill to you, the taxpayer, for policing this illegal demonstration has gone way past the six million quid mark and that these fuckwits show no sign of getting fed up and calling it a day anytime soon, I propose that we start seizing Sri Lankan assets in the UK and using them to pay for the Old Bill's overtime. How about we start with their High Commission building in Hyde Park Gardens? Even in this recession, a swanky pad like that ought to be worth a few bob...

13th May '09 - It started off with Jacqui Smith and her 88p claim for a bath plug and we're currently at David Heathcoat-Armory and his £380 claim for horse manure. I get the feeling that we're nowhere near the end of these revelations and that the best (or worst) is yet to come. Like I keep saying, the sooner we have a 'none of the above' box added to the voting slip, the better.

12th May '09 - Having just watched the new movie 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', I find myself unable to decide whether it was really, really shit, or just really shit.

11th May '09 - Bethesda Softworks, the creators of the 'Elder Scrolls' series of computer games have just announced that the next installment will not be a MMORPG as originally intended, but will in fact be another single-player game in the same vein as 'Oblivion', only 'substantially' bigger. The game, as yet untitled and only referred to as 'Elder Scrolls V', is tentatively pencilled in for release in the Autumn of 2010. Given what 'Oblivion' did to my life, expect this site to be down until just before the Olympics...

10th May '09 - What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United football team? Alan Shearer will be on 'Match Of The Day' next year. I thank you.

9th May '09 - Last night's £110 million Euro Lottery jackpot was snatched by one solitary winner, who is now instantly richer than the Bee Gees. For once, it wasn't a Frenchman. No, this time, the winner was Spanish. This means that whoever it is can now afford to build his very own tower complete with a herd of donkeys to push off it! Awesome!

8th May '09 - I worked from home today. I don't like doing this as a rule because people always think you're taking the piss, but there I was, up at a quarter to seven in front of my PC doing my team's annual reports. I did all of them in five and a half hours, then, for good measure, I wrote my own to make my gaffer's life a bit easier. That took me up to half two, when I knocked off. Taking a lunch break into account, I ended up 'skiving' for a total of half an hour. Mug.

7th May '09 - I got into work at quarter to seven this morning, promptly started seeing purple lights, then went straight home to lie in a darkened bedroom watching a fearsome aurora borealis of a migraine explode all round my head. This was obviously brought on by the blaring sunshine yesterday and not by the five pints of Stella I necked straight after work on an empty stomach. Bloody cheap chemical lager.

6th May '09 - Pretentious Labelling. Whilst shopping for munchies for last night's rather disappointing Champion's League match between Arsenal and Manchester United (you know, the one where Arsenal never showed up), I came across the following variety of crisps in my local Sainsbury's. 'Mature West Country Cheddar and Pan-Fried Shallot'. Hmm...that'll be 'Cheese n' Onion', then. For fuck's sake...

5th May '09 - Went to visit my mate Jesus today and have my first look at his baby son, Connor. I took along a cuddly Wolfie from the Wolves shop on account of Jesus being a Tottenham fan and therefore incapable of educating the poor lad in matters of football. I mean, their mascot is poultry, for God's sake. It's therefore inportant to steer the little lad toward the Old Gold and Black without further ado. You can never start them too young. Up the Wanderers!

4th May '09 - A Bank Holiday, and for once I'm not working it, so it's off to the Natural History Museum to look at the dinosaurs. I shall also be taking the girls to Harrods, so expect me back around Saturday. Anyway, Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you! (I'm sure I've done that gag before.)

3rd May '09 - Despite posturing to the contrary for the last few days, Harriet Harman has just come out and said she does not want to be Prime Minister after all. Bit of a redundant statement there, love. We can all turn our noses up at things that we'd never get a sniff of anyway. It's like me saying categorically that I wouldn't have sex with Angelina Jolie...

2nd May '09 - The Euro Millions jackpot has rolled over yet again and will be something like £110 million this Friday. Make sure you all have as many goes as you can realistically afford so that those nice Frenchmen win as big an amount as possible.

1st May '09 - It's half five in the morning and I'm just sipping my coffee prior to a run up the M1 to Birmingham. My Powerpoint presentation is fucking stupendous and so it should be, seeing as I've spent three bloody days putting it together. I've even bought one of those laser things to point out interesting bits to the students when I'm giving the talk. I hope they appreciate it. Still, If they don't I can always blind a couple of them...

30th April '09 - That Megan Fox bird troubles me. Black hair, tattoos, collagen pout. She seems to be going to an awful lot of trouble to turn herself into Angelina Jolie's 'mini-me'. I wonder how long it'll be before she goes hunting for an ethnic baby  to drag around from one film set to the next?

29th April '09 - Here I sit on what is supposedly a Rest Day, only I'm working like a dog to put a Powerpoint presentation together for Friday, when I've got to give a talk to some forensic students in Birmingham. I've just found out my previous presentation is wildly out of date (photos of Ford Sierras?), so I can't stop to chat. Catch you tomorrow!

27th April '09 - Just woke up after what felt like twenty-four hours of deep sleep. Only it wasn't. I came in off Nights at eight o'clock this morning and right now it's still only half eleven. I must've gone into a catatonic coma, yet I feel fresh as a daisy. This can't be doing me much cop, can it? Bloody shift work...

26th April '09 - Weekend television: Can somebody tell me precisely when whooping and screaming replaced laughter and clapping as this nation's standard method of applause? I blame Leslie Crowther...

25th April '09 - Barnsley 1 Wolves 1. And that's it. Wolverhampton Wanderers are Champions. A scrappy and unremarkable game, but we finally got the single point we needed to win the league, meaning next weekend's game with Doncater is now an irrelevance. Marvellous. Over to you, bluenoses...

24th April '09 - I am still seething about this Tamil demonstration, but, frankly, I'm tired of talking about the whole thing now, so I shall not be commenting again until - if - the protest ifinishes. Apart, that is, from this one last bit of food for thought: Imagine if it was three thousand white BNP skinheads protesting. How long do you think they'd have been allowed to sit shouting in the road in Birdcage Walk?

23rd April '09 - St. George's Day. Or rather night, as I'm on the old graveyard shift once more. I was going to have a drive over Westminster Bridge tonight to take a night shot of Parliament flying the Cross of St. George, only I couldn't because of all the bloody Tamil protestors STILL cluttering up the area. Apparently, the 'powers' that be are now thinking about re-routing Sunday's London Marathon to keep the runners away from these people. How much longer is this national embarrassment going to continue?

22nd April '09 - Budget Day, and if Badgerface really wants to save some money, may I suggest he offers new 'asylum seekers' the same deal as the French government? Over here, as soon as they hit British soil, they can claim £42.16 a week if they're single and £66.13 if they're married. If they have kids, there's an extra £3 - £5 available. They get free healthcare, free dentistry, free sight tests and free glasses. There's free housing (worth £100 a week or so), free education for any kid aged five and over (worth up to £5000), and any pregnant woman is also eligible for a one-off maternity payment of £300. Know what the French give them? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Bugger-all. Not a fucking sausage. So there you go, Badgerface. A money-saving option for you. Or you could simply carry on squeezing us working mug taxpayers until we throw you out of office.

21st April '09 - Amusing to see Sir Alex Ferguson moaning in all the papers about how the state of the Wembley pitch cost his team the FA Cup semi-final against Everton, thus denying Manchester United the chance of an historic quintuple silverwear haul. I'm not quite sure about this line of reasoning, since them bluenoses up the road have been playing on an allotment all season and will still finish second. No, the fact is, Alex, old son, this one is down to you. If you'd have wanted it that badly, you should have put out a stronger team. End of. Oh, and while I'm at it, here's a quick tip. Maybe if you took the time to remove your chewing gum when you're being interviewed, people might not think you're such a tool in future. Although I still will, obviously...

20th April '09 - Here I am, back at work, and the first thing I noticed as I tried to get from the Elephant to Swiss Cottage today was that there are still hundreds of shouty Sri Lankans in Parliament Square. This is because the Old Bill are too paralysed with fear to move them on in case one of them dies out of spite and they get another complaint of police brutality. So it looks like they'll all just carry on until everybody dies of old age. Meanwhile, I shall be using Vauxhall Bridge from now on as there's no mentalists there. Yet.

19th April '09 - It's official - Wolverhampton town centre is now dry. Ow, my head.

18th April '09 - Wolves 1 QPR 0. And that's it! Super Mick has done it! Wolves are back in the Premier League! I'm croaking because I've been shouting so much. Every car horn in Wolverhampton is going off and it's standing room only in the pubs! What a great atmosphere! I'm off for an ale or six! It's going to be a long, happy summer, folks!

17th April '09 - Although Alex and Clare are touring with Marky Ramone right now, they've nevertheless still found time to stick the final, finished video for 'Good Vibrations' on YouTube. It's sleazy, sexy and tacky as hell. In other words, brilliant! Here you go!

16th April '09 - Marco Pierre White may be the greatest chef that God ever created, but I for one would never eat anything created by the bloke because he looks like an unwashed fairground attendant. I mean, wearing a shemagh in a kitchen? I can't stand Gordon Ramsay, but at least the bloke knows where his razor is...

15th April '09 - In Denmark, six out of ten children brought up in care end up going to university. In Britain, it's six in a hundred. Education, education, education...

13th April '09 - Derby 2 Wolves 3. What? Wolves come from behind and win? Keogh gets two goals? Have I slipped through a wormhole into a parallel universe or something? Three games left and I'm starting to believe, kiddies!

12th April '09 - Today, I lay in bed reading. All day. I did try getting up at one point, but I couldn't think of anything better to do than lie stinking in my pit, slowly turning pages, so back I went (with a cup of tea, natch.) What was I reading? 'Birdsong' by Sebastian Faulks. Breathtaking stuff. Just when you think you've misjudged it and landed yourself with a steamy Mills and Boon bodice-ripper, it drops you into the trenches of World War One and proceeds to put you through the fucking mangler. Strongly recommended.

10th April '09 - That's it! A lovely week away from London and work. See you on the twentieth, folks! Hopefully by then, Wolves will have sorted their shit out and be pretty much promoted. Either that or settling down for a pointless play-off scrap. I can't bear it. Wake me up when the season's over...

9th April '09 - We're looking stupid in the eyes of the world again. For three days now, an illegal gathering of Sri Lankan nationals (all here legally, of course) have gathered outside the Houses of Parliament to protest about the treatment of Tamils in their home country. Quite what it has to do with us is beyond my understanding, but the point is, they're gathering illegally, waving flags from a proscribed organisation (the Tamil Tigers), which is also illegal, while generally pushing and shoving the Old Bill and not dispersing when told to. Again, illegal. So even before we rope in noise, obstruction and nuisance, that's three laws being broken straight off, so what are our police doing? Watching them. Nothing else, just standing there watching them. On overtime. Any other country in Europe, let alone the world, would've warned them to shift and then set the water cannons on them, but, oh, not Britain. Well, they're ethnic, dontcha know. Got to be tolerant, old boy. Pathetic. Apparently, some of the protestors keep threatening to hurl themselves into the Thames and have to be grabbed by Plod and taken to safety. Why? From there, depending on the tide, they will either end up out to sea or wash up within spitting distance of Fulham Mortuary. Fuck 'em, let 'em bob...

8th April '09 - My old mate Graham is just weeks away from retirement and there he was today, gazing over the paperwork from our finance department and totting up how much the golden handshake and pension will be. I swear if the bloke had grinned any wider, his head would've caved in. Good luck to you, mate! After forty years in this shitty game, you deserve every bloody penny...

6th April '09 - Birmingham 2 Wolves 0. Against ten men! Ten bloody men! Listening to it, we could've played for three, even four hours and still not have scored. It was the old 'cow's arse' and 'banjo' syndrome. How the fuck does Mick McCarthy expect to wear down a ten-man side by advocating a hoofing, long-ball game? Apart from Matt Jarvis, not a single Wolves player was fit to wear the shirt tonight. Absolute bollocks. What should've been an eight point lead is now down to two with five games left to play. There's every real chance we could blow this promotion challenge right at the death. I swear if Mick McCarthy ruins this, I'm going to pledge my loyalty to Walsall for the rest of my natural life.

5th April '09 - Better and better! Cardiff blew another of their games in hand, only picking up a point against Swansea. This is looking really good fnow. All we need is a point or better at Birmingham tomorrow and we'll really be in command of the division!

4th April '09 - Pants. Nowhere near this year, but at least my horse didn't fall over like they usually do when I pick them. Still, there was a bit of good news from today - Reading could only manage a draw! Lovely.

3rd April '09 - It's the Grand National tomorrow, the only time of the year when I have a bet on the horses. I hope one of my nags comes in this time, considering I ticked the 'each way' box on the slip by mistake and ended up sticking twice the amount I wanted to on the bloody thing. Pillock.

2nd April '09 - Well, we had our meeting with the boss yesterday, and basically, what he said was this: "We've decided we don't want you lot cluttering up this building anymore, so what we're going to do is keep a hand-picked few of you here along with all the important work and ship everyone else out to various sites around London, where'll you'll carry on doing all the routine stuff while, in your down time, training lots of new recruits to do your job so they can eventually replace you." He then wrapped things up by saying this wasn't the 'official' announcement and that 'more would be revealed' at a series of seminars...in June. However, he did ask us to go back to our teams with the news and to 'put a positive spin on it.' After work, I went for a pint. Or three. It's nice to feel valued, isn't it?

1st April '09 - I'm just off to work. Today's the day we find out the results of the 'review' undertaken into our department and we will all learn what the future holds for us. Note the date. How very appropriate.

31st March '09 - A mate of mine at work came up to me today and said "Here, Bill, you're into heavy rock. Have you got any 'Linkin Park' I can borrow?" I don't know what's sadder; the fact that he thought Linkin Park were heavy rock (as opposed to 'Disney metal') or the fact that I had to own up and say that I had...

30th March '09 - Even before the dust had settled from the revelation that Jacqui Smith had claimed one hundred and sixteen thousand pounds 'second home' allowance for her house,in Redditch while 'living' at her sister's place in London, we find out her husband has claimed for the dirty movies he'd watched while Jacqui was away! Predictably, everyone in the Smith residence(s) has been quick to apologise (for being found out) and no doubt Jacqui feels we should all 'move on'. Sorry, but I don't want to move on. I want someone charged with embezzlement and fraud, which is what would happen to me if I fiddled my expenses. What has to happen before the raft of laws that these morally bankrupt cod-Socialists have foisted upon us are actually applied to some of them? These pieces of shit have even voted to remove themselves from the boundaries of the 'Freedom of Information Act' that THEY brought in. So now we, the idiots funding them, have been blocked from finding out exactly how much they're claiming. Thirteen months to go before your P45 gets delivered, bitch. Tell hubby to enjoy those tax-payer funded late night wank-fests while he can...

29th March '09 - I drove the long way into work last night. All the way through Tooting, Balham, Clapham, Stockwell and Kennington. Why? Because it was nine o'clock - halfway through the much-hyped 'Earth Hour', and I wanted to marvel at the once-in-a-lifetime sight of London plunged into total darkness as everybody did what they were told like good little sheeple and turned their lights off to protest about climate change. Except, despite what the BBC might have told you, nobody did. There I was, driving past shops, houses, flats and business premises and all of them, ALL of them, were lit up as normal. In fact, the only way you'd know about this 'important global event' was if you'd looked up at the Big Ben clock, where they'd turned the lights off in all the faces. Oh, and the London Eye had changed it's white lights to blue for an hour. St. Paul's Cathedral, however, was blazing away as per, along with the whole of Canary Wharf, most of the City and all of the West End, apart from the advertising hoardings in Piccadilly. So there you have it: ninety-six low-energy bulbs in Big Ben darkened for an hour along with several thousand L.E.D.s above Eros. Wow. That'll do the trick, then. The planet is safe once more. Huzzah!

28th March '09 - 'People Power'; now there's a contradiction in terms if ever there was one. A bit like 'Military Intelligence' or 'Scottish Sportsman'. Anyway, a fine example of the willingness of gullible people to flock together for self-validation occurred in London today, as tens of thousand of white, middle-class people congregated for a march against the 'Evils Of Capitalism' to coincide with the G20 summit next week. Meanwhile, I found myself working overtime at premium rates because the guys who should've been at work were all out on abstracted duties because of these numpties. Lovely. A nice extra couple of hundred quid to add to the global debt that I'd never have earned if these worthy warriors had stayed home in the dry. Cheers, arseholes!

27th March '09 - Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has told the BBC it must not ignore it's Christian audience after figures showed the company had significantly reduced it's Christian broadcasting over the last decade. From one hour and 45 minutes a week of religious programming in 2001 to just half an hour (basically 'Songs of Praise') now. Quite frankly, even this is too much in my opinion, and I'm a practising Catholic. Religion should be a personal matter and few things on the telly are more annoying than watching those gurning fools in their new hats bellowing hymns every bloody Sunday, not that I do. Still, why should the BBC listen to the good Archbishop anyway? Nobody else does, and quite right too. The man is a ridiculous embarrassment with his mad hair, mad eyebrows, ridiculous beard and idiot opinions. Piss off, Gandalf, nobody's listening.

26th March '09 - Sometimes I encounter a piece of reasoning of such eye-watering stupidity that it's all I can do not to smack my head against the wall. Get this - car manufacturer Vauxhall are raising their prices by five percent because, overall, UK car sales have dropped twenty percent in the last quarter. So, let me get this straight: Nobody wants to buy their products so they're putting the prices up. It's not me, is it?

25th March '09 - Jonathan Ross took his seventeen year old daughter Betty Kitten to a film premiere last night. Betty is obviously an alumni of the Peaches Geldof School of Teenager; all dyed hair, stupid clothes and pretentious pouts to the camera. I was all for dropping an email to Jonathan at his BBC address telling him how ridiculous his daughter looked, but then I had a better idea. Does anyone know the phone number of Jonathan's father? I could give him a bell and explain in great detail how I'd fucked his granddaughter. I could even tape the conversation and post it here as an audio link, too. Because that would be really, really funny, wouldn't it, Jonathan?

24th March '09 - The blossoms are out and my hayfever is back once more. My eyes are streaming, my face is blotchy and red, I'm dosed up like a Piriton zombie and to cap it all, I'm working Nights this week. Bleh-h-h.

23rd March '09 - Has Boris Johnson been reading this column? Only ten days ago I congratulated him on cutting the amount of public money spent on St. Patrick's Day celebrations in London and, in the same sentence, slagged him off for not spending a few bob on our patron saint. Well, Mayor Boris told the press yesterday that he will be funding a week-long series of free events in the capital celebrating St. George's Day after stating that it had been ignored for far too long. Quite right too. So we'll be getting free Shakespeare at The Globe, folk music and Morris men in Trafalgar Square and red and white bunting everywhere. Finally, finally, after so many years of moaning on this site, I will be able to walk the streets on April 23rd in my white shirt with the red cross on and not feel like the only Englishman in London that gives a toss. Boris has even stated that the Cross of St. George will be flown at City Hall for the week, too. This alone has won him my vote for life. Boris, I love you, you floppy-haired shagger, you!

21st March '09 - Nottingham Forest 0 Wolves 1.  A rather splendid afternoon all round, I feel. Not only did we come away with three points from a dreary game, but Birmingham could only manage a draw with Norwich, while Reading poked one of their games in hand in a goalless slog away at Crystal Palace. Reading, the third place team, are now nine points behind us. This means that three wins out of our last six games and we're up. The only snag is our next one is away up the road against the Blouses themselves. Never mind, we've got a nice long rest until April 6th. The prize is in sight, folks!

20th March '09 - Bernie Ecclestone, the midget billionaire in charge of Formula One, has announced that from next season, the driver's title will be decided by the number of wins, rather than by points accrued. This will apparently make things more competitive and exciting, as drivers will now take more risks and blah de blah de blah. I don't care. Does anyone still watch this boring load of bollocks?

19th March '09 - The box-office figures are in, and 'Watchmen' has dropped off catastrophically over it's second week. This is sad, not just for those of you who are missing the chance to see a well-crafted, thought-provoking and challenging piece of genre cinema, but also for anyone who went to see 'The Dark Knight' and enjoyed it. Because now, the studios will look at the last Batman film as a fluke propped up solely by Heath Ledger's death and will see 'Watchmen's numbers as proof that the cinema-going public doesn't want dark and adult adaptations after all. So from now on, we can all leave our brains at the hot-dog counter and look forward to staring, slack-jawed at a non-stop run of 'Fantastic Four' and 'Transformers' movies, can't we? Deep joy.

18th March '09 - Ra ra, back to work. Well, technically, I'm not back until tomorrow, but I have this management exam thing today, so I have to go all the way over to the other side of London and sit in a classroom for seven hours. I don't know why I'm bothering, frankly. The 'management' at work will never let me into the club as I'm not one of the 'in' crowd. Still, It's another bit of framed A4 for the wall, and once me and my unit are booted out of our current location, our new management might be glad of whatever small contribution I can make to their unit. The current ones don't give a shit, that's for sure...

17th March '09 - Reading won their game in hand. Dave Kitson slotted home in with seven minutes to go. Bloody ginger pipe.

16th March '09 - As I was off, I decided to unwrap another of my rainy day '3 for £20' films. Today's masterpiece wa none other than 'Highlander - Endgame', the fourth in the franchise. Now, I've not seen the third one and the second one was one of the worst things I've ever sat through at the cinema, but the original has a special place in my heart. I love it to bits, from the Queen soundtrack to the shonky ending effects. It's a guilty pleasure, so to see Connor's wife Heather and his assistant Rachel popping up on the packaging made me think that it might possibly not be as bad as I feared. It was.

15th March '09 - Saw Gordon Brown on the news tonight. Is he still here, then?

14th March '09 - Wolves 2 Charlton 1. The scoreline suggests it was a close-run thing. It wasn't. Charlton put ten men behind the ball and it was a right ball-ache to break them down. Ebanks-Blake missing his second penalty out of the last three didn't help, either. Never mind though, we got there in the end, and it was nice to meet up with a couple of mates from work, too. One came down from London for the game and the other was staying at his missus's place in Telford. It felt slightly bizarre to see them in Molineux, but a few ales and a balti pie soon took the weirdness out of it. Next up - Nottingham Forest, who just got stiffed 5-0. Let's hope Reading poke one of their games in hand on Tuesday night, eh?

13th March '09 - Boris Johnson has decided that London will only be spending half the usual amount on this year's St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Quite right too. So how about spending the other half on a proper St. George's Day celebration, you silly-haired shag?

12th March '09 - I'd forgotten that I'd polished off three bags of Nobby's sweet chilli peanuts in the pub last night after the film. My lower colon has just reminded me. Oo-er!

11th March '09 - Go and see 'Watchmen'. Just go. Zack Snyder has created a masterpiece. A flawed masterpiece if you know the book inside out like I do, but those of you who are not familiar with Alan Moore's seminal work will find a rich, dark, adult superhero tale even more rewarding than 'The Dark Knight'. For me, there were only a couple of niggles and I'm sure these will iron out when we get the four hour Director's Cut, but for the most part, the film is just jaw dropping. If you flipped your wig for Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, you're going to love Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach. Whatever you do, catch this on the big screen, it's amazing. Who'd have thought after Joel Schumacher's appalling 'Batman And Robin' we'd one day have a three-hour 18 certificate superhero film? It's a great time to be a geek right now!

10th March '09 - An extremely early post (it's half five in the morning) as I'm off to see 'Watchmen' straight after work. My head will be too full to post stuff when I get back, so I'll add a few lines tomorrow...

9th March '09 - At long last I've started dicking about with a pictures page. It's the resizing and tabling thing that's been freaking me, but I think I've sorted it. No doubt all the Mac users will scoff that their machines are intuitive when it comes to imaging. Well, yes, they probably are, but then again, they can't play 'Empire - Total War', can they? Anyway, if anyone can think of a decent name for the photo page other than the frankly underwhelming 'photo page', drop me a line...

8th March '09 - Remind me again how I came to agree to do a Sunday night shift at the last minute when I had absolutely no need or desire to? 'Dedicated', That's my middle name. It sits right there on my birth certificate next to 'Gullible' and 'Mug'. 

7th March '09 - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Wolves 1. I'm not saying anything. Sod the quality of the football, if grinding out ugly one-nil wins is the way it's going to be for the run in, then that's fine by me. The Blouses and Cardiff both won, meaning we're still three points clear. A slight bonus was Reading fluffing one of their games in hand by only picking up a draw at Plymouth, but there's still nine games left and it's still anybody's title. Tenth place Ipswich on Tuesday night, then bottom place Charlton next weekend. Come on, me babbies!

6th March '09 - I got sworn at by a Buddhist today. Well, I say 'Buddhist'; he was one of those orange-robed Hare Krishna types on Oxford Street pretending to be everybody's friend and angling for their bank details for something or other. Anyway, he smiled at me as I approached him outside HMV, but before he could launch into his speil, I shot him down with "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to cultists." Instantly, his smile fled and I got a snarl of "Well, fuck you then!" Charming. What happened to peace, enlightenment and love for one's fellow man, eh? Still, we are all mere travellers on the great wheel, apparently. Which is nice...

5th March '09 - This morning when the bank statement arrived, I had what alcoholics refer to as 'a moment of clarity'. See, I have an 'Additions' bank account with Barclays. For a small fee (which has always been equivalent to whatever interest I earned), I got access to a £1200 overdraft (which I've never used), free legal advice (which I've never needed) and free currency conversions (which I've always forgetten about until the plane was in the air). But now I've realised that, with the bank's interest rates at 0.5% (and trust me, they'll be going lower), I am now, in effect, paying Barclays to look after my money. You know that bit in the cartoons where the coyote stops running, looks at the camera and 'jackass' ears appear on him? Yeah, right. So first thing tomorrow I shall be looking long and hard at alternative banking ideas. Any suggesions?.

3rd March '09 - Crystal Palace 0 Wolves 1. Talk about grinding out an ugly win! Three points at long last, but boy, was that hard work! In a match played during a driving rainstorm, the lads looked as twitchy and as nervous as usual, but they managed to sneak it courtesy of an Ebanks-Blake penalty.Phew! Still on top, but both Reading and Cardiff won too. It's going to be a long and messy run-in. Oh, and for the benefit of my old mate Morgan - cheers for the six points this season, monkey-boy!

2nd March '09 - Have you checked the side of your toothpaste tube lately? I have, and I'm slightly concerned about all that Arabic writing. It's probably only something along the lines of 'For A Smile So Bright, It'll Shine Through Your Niqab'. But by the same token, it could easily be saying 'We've Laced This With Polonium. Die Screaming, Infidel Dog!' Worrying.

1st March '09 - Not that you monkeys would know; what with all your Chris Moyles Radio One bollocks and your manufactured Simon Bigtrousers 'X-Factor' nonsense, but the world of metal and hardcore (that's 'heavy rock' to you, grandad) is currently having what can only be descibed as a Golden Age. Recent albums from old favourites like Slipknot and Metallica have been excellent, and the stuff on the cutting edge, such as Enslaved's 'Vertebrae', Casketnail's 'Memories Of A Better Time' and Meshuggah's 'ObZen' have all been balls-out brilliant in the last twelve months. However, I've just found what could well be the album of 2009 and it's not even March yet. 'Wrath', the fifth studio album from Virginia five-piece Lamb Of God is, quite simply, one of the best metal albums I've ever heard. Do yourself a favour and check them out here. Or you could simply carry on being spoonfed whatever aural diarrhoea fatboy Moyles feeds you...

28th February '09 - Wolves 0 Plymouth 1. No answer to a goal conceded after only forty seconds and now only one win in eleven. That's more than a quarter of a season. Bizarrely, hysterically, we're still top, although Birmingham can draw level with a win against the Blades tomorrow afternoon. I'm sad, deeply sad that all the evidence points to us finishing the season in a play-off scrap because there's simply no need for it to have ever got this bad. Continually playing Collins for weeks after the fans realised what a liability he was. Continually being too late with substitutions (Vokes came on with five minutes left here, Friend with two - how the hell are tactics like that going to influence a game that was already lost almost an hour and a half previously?) Continually backing off in the early stages of a game and attempting to 'read' it, then conceding a goal and having to chase. It all smacks of a team who are, quite simply, out of ideas. We are shocking at the back (Berra is no Mancienne, but, like Miller before him, he proves the point that Scotchmen don't travel well) and, apart from Ebanks-Blake, we are incapable of finishing clinically up front. There are many 'names' in this team who really, really need to take a good look at themselves over the next couple of days. Keogh, Kightly, Iwelumo, Ward. You know who you are. It's Crystal Palace away on Tuesday night. Three points are required or we can forget about automatic promotion. No one's going to fear us in our last dozen games if we've only clocked up one win in the previous dozen.

27th February '09 - For the last couple of years, I've been using Sony MDR earphones for my iPod. I don't particularly like these shove-in-your-lugholes ear-bud type of headphones, but they were the only kind that generated any meaningful levels of bass, which is essential if you're out and about. Until now. I've just bought a pair of these from SkullCandy and they're the beans. Ultra light, very comfortable and they grip your head like a vice. What's more, the sound they kick out is deep, rich and layered and the bass levels are awesome - perfect for the discerning metalhead about town. They're also half the price of the Sony bud things. Top stuff!

26th February '09 - The 'Watchmen' reviews are beginning to roll in thick and fast now, most of them full of praise and constructive criticism. One negative review stands out like a blue cock, though, and that's from Robbie Collin at 'News Of The World'. Oh dear. Not very impressed, is he? Maybe he doesn't like 'comic book' movies. Maybe he couldn't see too much of the screen through his ridiculously fashionable hair. Or maybe - just maybe - he works for a paper that is owned by Rupert Murdoch. The same Rupert Murdoch who also owns Twentieth Century Fox; the studio that sued Warner Brothers for ownership of the rights to 'Watchmen' and eventually lost. Sorry, 'settled out of court'. Sour grapes, Rupert old son?

25th February '09 - Again on the news today, ten years after the Lawrence inquiry, the Metropolitan Police 'Service' had to issue a statement denying the fact that it was still 'institutionally racist'. Balls. Of course the MPS is institutionally racist. It recognises and supports the existence of a 'Black Police Association'. How much more divisively racist can you get?

24th February '09 - The first reviews of 'Watchmen' have begun rolling in, with both Empire and Total Film giving it a four star thumbs-up. I'm still cautious, if hopeful, but even if it's crap, the iMax experience will still be a hoot. I wonder if they sell pic n' mix?

23rd February '09 - Timing is everything. For almost two months now, I've been waiting for a parcel from a company in Kent. I've gone through the polite email, the curious email and the downright snotty email; all of which they replied to courteously, humbly and apologetically, saying as soon as their suppliers delivered the goods, I'd be getting them tout suite. This morning however, I had enough. Nine weeks. No more Mister Nice Guy. A full-on rant of an email telling them what I thought of their company, their website, their customer service and their mothers. I told them to shove the ordered item up their useless arses and that I'd see them in the small claims court. Half an hour later, the item I'd ordered popped through the letter box. Together with a second one of a much higher value completely free as their way of saying sorry for the delay. Fucksocks.

22nd February '09 - Wolves 2 Cardiff 2. Now that's better. Despite the scoreline (and the fact we were chasing it in the second half), the lads played really solidly against Dave Jones's in-form side, who were unbeaten in eleven before kick-off, and we came to the game knowing that Reading and Birmingham both lost yesterday, which eased the pressure ever-so-slightly. A brace of mis-hits and fluffed chances meant we could, with a bit of luck, have won this 5-2. However, Wolves have never been a lucky team, so it's come down to a matter of grinding out results for these last thirteen games. Roll on Plymouth next week. Play like we played today and...dare I say it...three points?

20th February '09 - A fiver says that when poor, unfortuante Jade Goody pops her clogs we get treated to the full Princess Diana street-lining sobfest up and down the country, with Interflora cenotaphs on every corner and Jeremy Kyle's trousers at half mast in memory of 'The People's Pondlife'. Pass the sick bag.

19th February '09 - I thought this month would just zip by being only twenty-eight days and all that, but it's dragging like a seal's arse for me. Perhaps it's because the gaffer forgot to stick my overtime in and I only picked up plain pay? I'm currently broker than a broke-dick dog. Now I know how Roman Abramovich feels. He's down to his last three billion, the poor bastard...

18th February '09 - The iMax tickets for 'Watchmen' are booked. March 10th, straight after work. Please God, don't let this movie be shit, I've waited twenty years for it!

17th February '09 - Tongues. We tend to take them for granted, don't we? They're extremely useful appendages that allow us to talk and taste and I can't imaging life without one. Well, yes I can. You see, I've just finished off a Sainsbury's 'hot and spicy' pizza which was nothing of the sort, so I decided to tickle it up a bit with a few dashes of this. Now, I have a purple face, my tongue is lolling out of my mouth like a knackered hound and I can't feel my lower jaw. Fantastic!

16th February '09 - Part of what makes me the dedicated, hard-working 'credit-to-the-department' individual that I am is the ability to focus for long periods of time on the most minute detail of the task in hand. All the chaps in my old team had this skill, as they worked with UV and lasers day in, day out, but when I changed units eighteen months ago, I noticed that this sort of level of concentration was missing in many of the individuals I encountered. Happily, I was able to demonstrate the ability to them this afternoon as I sat staring at my mobile phone screen playing 'Scrabble' for three solid hours whilst waiting for the phone to ring. Dedication. You can't whack it.

15th February '09 - As you know, it was Valentine's Day yesterday. The Fishwife presented me with a lovely big card as soon as she woke up but the flowers and chocolates I'd arranged for her weren't delivered until late in the afternoon. You should've seen the looks I was getting...

14th February '09 - Burnley 1 Wolves 0. Nine bastard games and only one win. Only three points clear now and the teams below us have games in hand. In another week we could find ourselves in the play-off spots and then the chants of 'You don't know what you're doing' and 'McCarthy out' will start. Where did it all go wrong? Oh yes, sending Mancienne back. That and still allowing Collins to play of course...

13th February '09 - I'm out of town and back to lovely Wolver-hamper-ton for the weekend. I was going to leave the motor here and take the brood up on the train this time, but I've just seen the colossal price hikes that went on the fares last month, so Richard Branson can go and sit on his greasy fingers for that sort of money. The thinking behind these corporate morons never ceases to amaze me. There's a global recession, people are struggling for money and cutting down on unnecessary rail travel, so Virgin put the fares up. Then have to send half empty trains out, which means that the profit margins dive even further, so they have to put the fares up again. Richard, sweetheart, ever heard of EasyJet? You know, the whole concept of cheaper seats and no frills = more customers? It's a train, not a bloody hotel. A long, tube-shaped bus that goes a bit quicker and has fewer stops. Flogging three types of bottled water and roasted vegetable focaccias on it smack just a tad of overkill, don't you think? No? Ah well, looks like another big name could be heading south before too long. Although not on a Virgin train, obviously. They're too expensive...

12th February '09 - I've caught one or two friends and work colleagues looking strangely at my chin lately, so here's a quick word of explanation. No, the shaver hasn't broken and no, I'm not eating a weasel. Fact is, I'm in a transitional phase. What I'm aiming for is this, but with this happening at chin level. Unfortunately, it's going to take time, so please don't hassle me - it's a work in progress...

11th February '09 - The reason some devices are labelled 'Bluetooth', is because the technology behind it is named after the Danish king Harald 'Blatand' Gormsson (935 - 986 AD). Old Harald was the king of a people we have come to refer to as 'Vikings', and his claim to fame is that he managed to briefly unite Denmark, Sweden and Norway under a single ruler. Because he was able to 'bring the people together', his name has been used for this unique piece of wireless development. Good job he wasn't called Hagar Bastard Skullfucker then, wasn't it?

9th February '09 - I've just invested in a new webcam. The old one was very low-res and dim, but this new one is the tits. However, having seen the images it produces, I have decided that it shall only be used for when the girls fancy an online natter with my sister, as the greater visual quality is somewhat disturbing to me when I catch sight of myself. See, because the camera clips onto the top of the monitor, it offers a huge panoramic view of my huge panoramic head. The image facing me has no neck whatsover, little shifty piggy eyes and looks like a slightly retarded Sontaran deviant. It's not pretty...

8th February '09 - I wish I was rich enough to be able to afford to keep a mistress. I don't actually want a mistress, you understand, I just wish I was rich enough to be able to afford one.

7th February '09 - Coventry 2 Wolves 1. What the hell is going on? We have now won just one game in the last eight and, if Reading win their game-in-hand, our 'lead' at the top will be reduced to one solitary point. We were absolutely lousy today. The only time we woke up was for the twenty minute spell at the start of the second half which led to our equaliser. Immediately afterwards, we went back to sleep again and within five minutes, Coventry had scored the winner. Ebanks-Blake fluffed a penalty in the ninety-fourth minute, too. And all this on Mick McCarthy's fiftieth birthday. He's not the only one who'll want to forget this particular Saturday. The only bright note of the afternoon was seeing that Reading and Birmingham could only manage draws which limited the fallout from this debacle, but I know - just know - that come May, we'll be stuck slogging it out in another bloody play-off battle thanks to pissing away opportunities against lesser teams like this. Shite. Utter shite.

6th February '09 - Jeremy Clarkson is in trouble. Apparently he called Gordon Brown 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', and was forced to apologise rather swiftly, but my question is why? Let's examing the semantics of what Jezza said, shall we? Ok, taking the points in order, we'll start with the 'one-eyed' bit. Brown lost the sight in his left eye after being kicked in the head during a game of rugby he played whilst at school, which resulted in a detached retina. Ergo, the man has vision in one eye only, and can indeed be labelled 'one-eyed'. Next, 'Scottish'. Well, Gordon was born in Govan, Glasgow in 1951. No denying the boy is of Scots descent really, is there? That only leaves the 'idiot' bit. Now, whilst acting as Chancellor of the Excequort to Tony B. Liar, Gordon Brown sold off four hundred tons of gold from the Bank of England at a time when the maket was at a twenty year low. Gordon flogged our reserves at a series of prices between $256 and $296 an ounce. Currently, as I type this, the bullion price is listed as $911 an ounce. Not a particularly bright move then, I'm sure you'll agree. Therefore, if we break down the salient points of Jeremy's statement in order; ie, his accusation that Gordon is a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot', I think you'll find that I've propped up the Clarkson argument quite comprehensively. So allow me to add my own endorsement to Mr. Clarkson's: Gordon, I too, think you're a one-eyed Scottish idiot, and I suggest that the evidence speaks for itself. If you disagree with my conclusion, then feel free to sue me, chief...

5th February '09 - London's 'black cab' taxi drivers brought the centre of town to a standstill for two hours this afternoon as they gridlocked Trafalgar Square in prot