1st July '09 - I simply cannot believe what I heard on the radio this morning. Michael Martin, the disgraced ex-Speaker of the House of Commons, is going to be given a Peerage and elevated to the House of Lords. Why? For what, exactly? Presiding over the most corrupt, money-grabbing political regime in British history? This astonishing little revelation illustrates two very salient facts. Firstly, that the scumbags in Westminster still don't get how angry the public are over their years of embezzling and secondly, that the Queen is either woefully politically naive or suffering from advanced senile dementia if she's putting her seal on this. It's time for a revolution, comrades. Where's my beret?

30th June '09 - I don't know about you, but I'm sick of the sight of Michael bloody Jackson. If I hear 'Billie Jean' once more, I'm going to set fire to something...

29th June '09 - Ye gods, it's hot! I've just come off Nights and it was well over twenty-five degrees when I walked out of the building at seven o'clock this morning. I'd spent the whole shift in air-conditioned bliss, so to be slapped in the face with a wall of heat when I opened the door to leave was a bit of an eye-opener. Have you ever tried to sleep when the temperatire is rapidly climbing up to the thirty degreee mark? It ain't pleasant...

28th June '09 - I can't leave it alone. This Windows 7 is the puppy's pods! Because my little Asus Eee hasn't got a disc drive (it's Solid State, dear. Tiny as fuck, but very, very fast!), I had to create a virtual drive on a USB stick to load it on. Bit of a pain in the hoop, but boy, was it worth it! It started up in ten seconds, then *ping* it found the built in webcam that Ubuntu couldn't see. A couple of seconds later and *ping*, it had linked itself in with my wireless box (that alone took an hour of typing with Linux). The clincher came when, on a whim, I shoved the Vodafone USB dongle in that I'd bought in January, only for Ubuntu to completely ignore. *Ping*, there you go, Bill. Would you like to use this Vodafone connection or stick with the old Orange Livebox? This is what mobile computing is all about. Now watch me take it work and drop it...

27th June '09 - After months of perserverance, I've given up pissing about with Linux. Sorry, boys, I know it's open source and all that, but it's such a fucking ball-ache adding lines of bloody code when all you want to do is click on something and have it work first time. After being presented with yet another six line algorithm on the netbook this morning, I decided that enough was enough, so out went Ubuntu and in went the beta version of Windows 7. This should be interesting. And expensive if I don't uninstall it before March...

26th June '09 - Well, it's goodbye to Michael Jackson, and I'm sure this'll be one of those moments that everyone remembers where they were when they heard the news and how they reacted. Me, I'd just booked on for Night Duty and my first thought was "Oh shit, I hope he's not here in London, I'm going to be out for fucking hours!" Happily, this uncaring attitude was swiftly replaced with one more reflective of my true nature. "Poor Bubbles..."

25th June '09 - They keep telling us there's a credit crunch, but it took me over twenty minutes to drive the half-mile length of Clapham High Street at ten o'clock tonight because of all the people outside the bars, drinking in the street, wandering in and out of the traffic or simply looking for a place to park. It's a Thursday night, for the love of God! Why aren't they in bed for work tomorrow? Where are they getting their money from? Can I have some?

24th June '09 - Another day, another exam. I'm coming to the end of my NVQ studies and today brought a full-on seminar on Health and Safety Leadership in the Workplace, followed by a written exam with a pass rate of 70% or better. The building where it was held was without working air-con and we all sat there sweating over our papers in a thirty degree sauna. Oh, the irony...

23rd June '09 - It was 'The Wildhearts'. One of my favourite bands. I should really have taken it easy with all those pints of Copperhead I necked in The Giffard back in the day...

22nd June '09 - It never gets boring living here in London. I was up the West End again this afternoon, when who should I see but him off the telly! No sooner had I recovered from that when I noticed, standing right behind me, her out of that thing! You know, the one who wore that outfit! You could've knocked me down with a feather! What a city! Marvellous!

21st June '09 - I have taken to wearing a pork pie hat. People have taken to laughing at me. I'm thinking 'smart and snappy'. They're thinking 'dobber'. C'est la vie.

20th June '09 - I spent a very happy half hour this evening on a computer website designing my own custom gaming rig. Solid state hard drives, quad graphics, 7:1 sound - all the bells and whistles. Then I added everything up and saw that it'd cost about three grand, so I pressed the 'delete' button. Out of curiosity, I then went onto a pc component stockist and was amazed to find that if I bought all the bits I wanted and built my own, I'd be looking at something like sixteen hundred notes. Hmm...I wonder...

19th June '09 - I had a bit of a 'senior moment' today. For weeks now, I've been reminding myself that the next time I was in the West End, I had to pop into Stargreen and pick up some tickets. Today, I found myself outside Stargreen completely unable to remember where I'd put the receipt. Worse, I'd forgotten who the fucking hell I was supposed to be seeing. I stood there like a stuffed tit outside the shop reading the listings in the window for five minues before eventually wandering off and buying an ice-cream. I'm home now typing this and I've still got no idea. I shall go through all my old emails, find the confirmation and let you know. Jesus.

18th June '09 - People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Not unless they're really, really soft stones and they throw them ever so gently. Preferably towards an open door.

17th June '09 - The Government (you know, the one that doesn't actually control any councils anymore) has just announced that we are all getting an extra £6 per year slapped on our phone bills to pay for fast broadband access for those who are currently without it. So people who live in beautiful, remote places from Mullion Cove to Coille Bheag will soon be able to engage in a spot of frantic online Counter Strike or Team Fortress 2 multiplayer action whenever they get bored of staring at the breathtaking scenery or listening to the waves crash against the shingle. The jammy bastards.

16th June '09 - A seventy-three year old geezer from Bolton has become the latest Euro Lottery 'super jackpot' winner after picking up £75 million last Friday. Predictably, the first thing the old git came out with was the tired old adage of it 'not going to change his life'. Then why did you play in the first place, you doddering old fool? What's the betting he stays in exactly the same house in bloody Bolton and does nothing except get a new pigeon coop or have his shed windows done? Senile knob.

15th June '09 - That fat Scotch pissbag has announced a new smoke-screen to deflect attention away from the fact that everbody wants him to go. Apparently, we're finally going to have an inquiry into the Iraq war. Unfortunately, it will be held in private by Government appointed lapdogs and is therefore unlikely to reach the same conclusions that the rest of us have; namely that we were fed a load of lies and spin so that the jug-eared grinning goon could play the big man on the world stage by backing up his half-wit American pal and go kicking the shit out of a country for no apparent reason. Any half-decent inquiry would declare the war illegal, charge Blair with war-crimes, find him guilty of being complicit in the deaths of 179 British soldiers and hang the fucker, but somehow, I don't see this being the outcome here. Pass the whitewash, vicar...

14th June '09 - You've got to hand it to Mr. Armoured Dinner Jacket, the newly 're-elected' Iranian President. Hold a general election, rig the result so that you win against all the prevailing opinion polls, wait for all you opponents to crowd the streets in protest and then simply get your army to shoot them. He might look like Sonny Bono's idiot brother, but he's not stupid, is he?

13th June '09 - What a lovely sunny weekend we're having! This is traditionally the week that I go to Cornwall, but this year we're having an August visit. What's the betting it'll be pissing down by then?

11th June '09 - I've just read through the last couple of posts and have to apologise. I really shouldn't take things too seriously. I should count my blessings that I still have a job in these turbulent times. I could so easily be on the dole, couldn't I? Imagine how awful that would be! Waking up naturally every morning instead of being shocked out of slumber at 05:00. Not having to work a Night Shift. Having no reason whatsoever to remain in shitty London. It doesn't bear thinking about...

10th June '09 - I'm in shock. It's my own fault, but I genuinely believed that, as a low-level manager, the people higher up the food chain than myself must, by definition, be better managers than I. I know how tricky I find the role, yet I think I do a good job and what I put in place using my organisational skills does tend to work, and so I get the job done and look after my team in the process. I always thought that the higher managers worked in pretty much the same way, only with more responsibility. However, after spending sixteen months conducting a 'review' of my department, they are now going to form 'consultancy groups' with the staff to find out how to 'implement change'. In other words, they've cherry-picked the bits they want to keep, but they're out of ideas as to what to do with the rest (ie, my bit). They won't sack us, so it's down to the people on the consultancy groups to figure out exactly how we'd like to fuck up our own jobs and then report back to them so they can rubber stamp it. Coming to realise, as I have in the last couple of days, that the people you've looked up to and aspired to be like genuinely don't know what they're doing has been a sobering experience for me. I confess to feeling a bit foolish at my naievity...

9th June '09 - Duty Officer week again. Tied to the phones dealing with all sorts of idiotic requests and tasking disinterested staff with uninspiring work. In the future, the Director of our organisation sees this as being pretty much the only role for my grade when we relocate to our new areas. After booking everyone on duty, I sat down with a bit of paper and worked a few details out. I was amazed to find that if I told them to shove their 'management' role up their hoop and went back to being a 'basic' grade, I'd keep my shift, keep my operational vehicle and be around four thousand quid a year better off. The downside, of course, is that I'd no longer enjoy all the wonderful perks of being a 'manager', such as writing reports, compiling figures, creating personal development reviews, filling out sickness returns, allocating annual leave and generally dealing with a never-ending bunch of moaning arseholes day in, day out. Fuck me, what a dilemma...

8th June '09 - The BNP apparently won a couple of seats in the European Parliament. I'm looking forward to seeing them have their interviews dubbed with a ridiculous, slightly effeminate voice like they used to do with Gerry Adams back in the day...

7th June '09 - As I drove into work this morning, it was absolutely lashing down and a serious thunderstorm was turning Clapham High Street into a river. Just as I pulled up at the lights opposite Kennington Church, I looked into the distance and saw a massive jagged bolt of lightning strike the 'Gherkin' a few miles ahead of me. At that precise moment, the car radio went dead and the most mind-buggering bang of thunder rattled the windows. Cool! I love weather like this. Bizarrely, on the way home eight hours later, it was blazing sunshine and twenty degrees. That'll be 'climate change' then. Best we all give Alistair some more taxes...

5th June '09 - Bit of a red letter day today. We finally had the review of our department a mere sixteen months after it was announced. In a nutshell, it looks like the team I left two years ago (the one I helped create and spent thirteen years in) will be given everything they want and a bag to put it in, while my current team will be strip-mined of ten staff, split into four and shoved out to various buildings around London. Being a 'management' grade, they saved the best 'til last for us. We will be sent out with the rest of the troops, only we will no longer be required to work a shift, merely to act in a training and advisory role for other staff during office hours. In practical terms, this means that I lose a fifteen per cent shift allowance, Inner London weighting and a dedicated operational vehicle. In REALLY practical terms, I lose the ability to actually take photographs as the professionally qualified Photographer they employed me as, gain an hour and a quarter commute twice a day and forfeit one-seventh of my total annual salary into the bargain. The Director did stress however that he saw my grade as being 'pivotal to the future training and development of imaging services throughout our organisation.' Which was nice.

4th June '09 - The Fishwife has graciously agreed to let me buy a Nintendo Wii with the 'Guitar Hero: Metallica' game (complete with the skull guitar!), but only if I buy her this when it comes out. Hmm...

3rd June '09 - I've been toying with the idea of a Nintendo Wii. Partly because The Fishwife wants the Wii Fit wobble-board exercise thing (all the other Mums have one) and partly because the ten pin bowling is a hoot. However, I decided today that on no account will I ever be getting one, because if I did, I'd have to buy this and that would mean I'd get sacked, because there's no way I would ever leave the house again.

2nd June '09 - For the first time in my life, I have bought a new Wolves football top before the season starts. As of August, we're a Premier side and I don't want to waste a single day of the experience, so I was in the Wolves shop today getting my brand new home shirt with the lairy new 'SportingBet' logo. Then, in a moment of madness and for reasons that escape me, I decided to have the number '09' printed on the back and 'Billy The Fish' printed across the shoulders. Naturally, they then asked me if I wanted the Barclays Premier shoulder logos too (and I felt it would be rude not to) and so that's how I came to pay seventy quid for a football shirt. Ah fuck it, it's only once a decade, isn't it?

1st June '09 - Hang on, it's June. Bloody June! Where in God's name did that come from? Half way through the year and I have no idea where the time has gone. People say that the years fly by quicker as you get older, which is frankly worrying. It seems about six weeks since I put the Christmas tree up and in what will no doubt feel like another six weeks, I'll be doing it again. The only consolation I have is that I've just realised it's only two months until the Beer Festival. Man, I need a Tardis...

31st May '09 - Woke up to the sound of sirens at half six this morning. Welcome home.

30th May '09 - It was only meant as a quick break, but the pace of life up here somehow alters time. It felt like I'd been there for a whole week. I was chilled and relaxed and stayed that way until we touched down at Heathrow. On the way to the airport, we stopped off for a look at the Forth Bridge. The sun was shining and it was twenty-five degrees. Beneath the bridge itself is a little shingle beach where Arya and I went searching for crabs in the rock pools. There was nobody else about, as all the fat tourists were stuffing their faces with shortbread in the cafe opposite. Finally, it was time to get back to Edinburgh Airport and fly back to London. Bleh. At least the flight was memorable. Not a cloud in the sky all the way home. Then we reached shitty London and it took us an hour and a half to drive fourteen miles home after it had taken less than an hour to fly down from Scotland. Traffic jams on the A40 and stuck in a queue with some piece of shit in a BMW playing gangsta rap so loud it was resonating our internal organs from two cars back. I hate this city. I fucking hate it.

29th May '09 - Took the bus into Edinburgh and had a day wandering around with the wife while my daughter spent her day in the country with Uncle John and Grandma. On the whole, I think she got the better deal. There's nothing wrong with Edinburgh per se, it's just that I seem to be all city'd out. They're all the same. Same shops, same rush, same gridlock (though Edinburgh's traffic is wa-a-ay worse than London.) After three hours, I'd seen enough tartan and shortbread to las me a lifetime, so we hpped on a tourbus and spent a happy hour on the open top deck listening to the guide. Next, we jumped off at the Scott Monument and walked up to the top. If spiral staircases no wider than your own shoulders are your thing, then you'll love this. Great views from the top, but it doesn't half knacker your calves. Came down, had a pub lunch in the sun (Scottish beer was pretty much the only disappointment of the whole break) and caught the bus back to Biggar, where Uncle John lives, and had the world's biggest fish supper. Great day.

28th May '09 - I had no idea that Scotland would be as empty as this. As soon as you get out of Edinburgh, it's just mile after mile of rolling hills and sheep. Lovely. We unpacked at our digs and then spent the morning walking around here and comparing it with the hideously PC eco-toilet that is the Eden Project. Maybe in another couple of centuries, Eden will have bedded in and aquired similar serenity and beauty, but somehow I doubt it. The afternoon was spent relaxing at my Uncle John's house, which is three miles from the nearest village. His next-door neighbour is just over a mile up the road. I sat in the sun on John's garden bench with a glass of wine and watched the shadows of the clouds chase each other over the hills in front of his house. So peaceful. John said that in the winter, they regularly get snowed in and often don't see another living soul for days on end. I can't think of anything more perfect, to be honest...

27th May '09 - Right, I'm off to Heathrow. Me and the girls are having a couple of days in Edinburgh with my Uncle John. I don't know what the weather will be like and I don't give a stuff - at least I'm not in London. Anyway, back on the 30th, possibly with a nice single malt in tow...

26th May '09 - I love the Night Shift when it's like this. Absolutely pissing down. The more it rains, the less likely there'll be wankers out and about being weary and making work for me to do. Let it rain, baby, let it rain. Wash all the scumbags off the streets.

25th May '09 - You know those Tamils in Parliament Square? Yep, that's right...

24th May '09 - The steroids are kicking in. I'm now several shades lighter than I was two days ago. Not quite so 'Hellboy' any more, more sort of 'Piglet'. Lovely.

23rd May '09 - Remember my thoughts on the new 'Wolverine' movie a few days back? Well, the new 'Terminator' one is pretty much the same by all accounts. And there's 'Transformers 2' to look forward to after that. God bless Hollywood. Still, those of you who like Sci-Fi and possess a brain might like to have a quick gander here and here. Perfect antidotes to the shit I've just mentioned...

22nd May '09 - Well, I'm impressed. I had to visit Accident & Emerrency at St. George's Hospital this morning, as I woke up with a huge red face - some sort of allergic infection thingy. Down I went expecting four hours af weariness (I even took a novel along to keep me occupied), but within five minutes I was being assessed by a great nurse called Ian (Gillingham fan, had a chat about Jarvis) and less than twenty minutes after that, I'd seen the duty doc who'd examined me, taken some blood and prescribed some steroids. Add another ten minutes for the trip to Pharmacy and I was out within the hour. All in all, the entire round trip took as long as the average Newcastle match and proved to be a good deal more entertaining, even with the needles. God bless the NHS!

21st May '09 - There is - get this - a drive-thru 'Krispy Kreme' doughnut emporium at the Shannon Corner junction of the A3. Henceforth, all jobs I go to will require a mandatory detour via New Malden. Even if they happen to be in Dagenham. Mmm...original glazed!

20th May '09 - After finally realising the game is up, Michael Martin; the fat, useless Scotch parasite masquerading as Speaker of the House of Commons, has decided to throw the towel in. Yes, being universally condemned on all sides over the expenses scandal has ensured that his position is untenable and there is no choice but to go...to the House of Lords, where he'll pick up a £1.4 million pension along with his Peerage. That'll teach the fucker, eh?

19th May '09 - Got my voting slip through today. Unfortunately, it's not my opportunity to get shot of Gordon, but it is my chance to influence who represents my interests in the European Parliament. Following it through the door came a flyer for the Labour Party. Laugh? I nearly passed my fags round...

18th May '09 - Went down to Croydon this morning to see the new 'Star Trek' film. Not bad at all, and well worth your time, but should you choose to go yourself, may I suggest you avoid doing so at a 'Vue' cinema. Forget the ticket price, two one litre bottles of water and a large popcorn to share came to £9.60! It's a good job the seats were comfy, as I needed a fucking sit down after examining what was left of my change...

16th May '09 - West Bromwich Albion have been relegated from the Premier League. You know, the one that Wolves will be in next season. I shouldn't gloat...but I'm going to! Nyuk! Nyuk!

15th May '09 - Twenty-one years after the debut of his novel 'The Satanic Verses', Salman Rushdie now feels that the dangerous climate of religious fervour from the Muslim world that surrounded its initial printing has subsided to the point where the sequel can finally be released. 'Allah, You C*nt' will be published next month...

14th May '09 - Although the Nu-Labour State Information Service (or the 'BBC' as it likes to call itself) has long since given up drawing your attention to it, the fact remains that those hundreds of Tamil protestors that I was moaning about last month are still fucking there outside Parliament, shouting and kicking off at the police and occasionally swarming past them for a nice sit down in the road. I'm not going to honk anymore about this being the only country stupid enough to put up with this. No. Instead, I will offer a solution. Given that the bill to you, the taxpayer, for policing this illegal demonstration has gone way past the six million quid mark and that these fuckwits show no sign of getting fed up and calling it a day anytime soon, I propose that we start siezing Sri Lankan assets in the UK and using them to pay for the Old Bill's overtime. How about we start with their High Commission building in Hyde Park Gardens? Even in this recession, a swanky pad like that ought to be worth a few bob...

13th May '09 - It started off with Jacqui Smith and her 88p claim for a bath plug and we're currently at David Heathcoat-Armory and his £380 claim for horse manure. I get the feeling that we're nowhere near the end of these revelations and that the best (or worst) is yet to come. Like I keep saying, the sooner we have a 'none of the above' box added to the voting slip, the better.

12th May '09 - Having just watched the new movie 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', I find myself unable to decide whether it was really, really shit, or just really shit.

11th May '09 - Bethesda Softworks, the creators of the 'Elder Scrolls' series of computer games have just announced that the next installment will not be a MMORPG as originally intended, but will in fact be another single-player game in the same vein as 'Oblivion', only 'substantially' bigger. The game, as yet untitled and only referred to as 'Elder Scrolls V', is tentatively pencilled in for release in the Autumn of 2010. Given what 'Oblivion' did to my life, expect this site to be down until just before the Olympics...

10th May '09 - What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United football team? Alan Shearer will be on 'Match Of The Day' next year. I thank you.

9th May '09 - Last night's £110 million Euro Lottery jackpot was snatched by one solitary winner, who is now instantly richer than the Bee Gees. For once, it wasn't a Frenchman. No, this time, the winner was Spanish. This means that whoever it is can now afford to build his very own tower complete with a herd of donkeys to push off it! Awesome!

8th May '09 - I worked from home today. I don't like doing this as a rule because people always think you're taking the piss, but there I was, up at a quarter to seven in front of my PC doing my team's annual reports. I did all of them in five and a half hours, then, for good measure, I wrote my own to make my gaffer's life a bit easier. That took me up to half two, when I knocked off. Taking a lunch break into account, I ended up 'skiving' for a total of half an hour. Mug.

7th May '09 - I got into work at quarter to seven this morning, promptly started seeing purple lights, then went straight home to lie in a darkened bedroom watching a fearsome aurora borealis of a migraine explode all round my head. This was obviously brought on by the blaring sunshine yesterday and not by the five pints of Stella I necked straight after work on an empty stomach. Bloody cheap chemical lager.

6th May '09 - Pretentious Labelling. Whilst shopping for munchies for last night's rather disappointing Champion's League match between Arsenal and Manchester United (you know, the one where Arsenal never showed up), I came across the following variety of crisps in my local Sainsbury's. 'Mature West Country Cheddar and Pan-Fried Shallot'. Hmm...that'll be 'Cheese n' Onion', then. For fuck's sake...

5th May '09 - Went to visit my mate Jesus today and have my first look at his baby son, Connor. I took along a cuddly Wolfie from the Wolves shop on account of Jesus being a Tottenham fan and therefore incapable of educating the poor lad in matters of football. I mean, their mascot is poultry, for God's sake. It's therefore inportant to steer the little lad toward the Old Gold and Black without further ado. You can never start them too young. Up the Wanderers!

4th May '09 - A Bank Holiday, and for once I'm not working it, so it's off to the Natural History Museum to look at the dinosaurs. I shall also be taking the girls to Harrods, so expect me back around Saturday. Anyway, Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you! (I'm sure I've done that gag before.)

3rd May '09 - Despite posturing to the contrary for the last few days, Harriet Harman has just come out and said she does not want to be Prime Minister after all. Bit of a redundant statement there, love. We can all turn our noses up at things that we'd never get a sniff of anyway. It's like me saying categorically that I wouldn't have sex with Angelina Jolie...

2nd May '09 - The Euro Millions jackpot has rolled over yet again and will be something like £110 million this Friday. Make sure you all have as many goes as you can realistically afford so that those nice Frenchmen win as big an amount as possible.

1st May '09 - It's half five in the morning and I'm just sipping my coffee prior to a run up the M1 to Birmingham. My Powerpoint presentation is fucking stupendous and so it should be, seeing as I've spent three bloody days putting it together. I've even bought one of those laser things to point out interesting bits to the students when I'm giving the talk. I hope they appreciate it. Still, If they don't I can always blind a couple of them...

30th April '09 - That Megan Fox bird troubles me. Black hair, tattoos, collagen pout. She seems to be going to an awful lot of trouble to turn herself into Angelina Jolie's 'mini-me'. I wonder how long it'll be before she goes hunting for an ethnic baby  to drag around from one film set to the next?

29th April '09 - Here I sit on what is supposedly a Rest Day, only I'm working like a dog to put a Powerpoint presentation together for Friday, when I've got to give a talk to some forensic students in Birmingham. I've just found out my previous presentation is wildly out of date (photos of Ford Sierras?), so I can't stop to chat. Catch you tomorrow!

27th April '09 - Just woke up after what felt like twenty-four hours of deep sleep. Only it wasn't. I came in off Nights at eight o'clock this morning and right now it's still only half eleven. I must've gone into a catatonic coma, yet I feel fresh as a daisy. This can't be doing me much cop, can it? Bloody shift work...

26th April '09 - Weekend television: Can somebody tell me precisely when whooping and screaming replaced laughter and clapping as this nation's standard method of applause? I blame Leslie Crowther...

25th April '09 - Barnsley 1 Wolves 1. And that's it. Wolverhampton Wanderers are Champions. A scrappy and unremarkable game, but we finally got the single point we needed to win the league, meaning next weekend's game with Doncater is now an irrelevance. Marvellous. Over to you, bluenoses...

24th April '09 - I am still seething about this Tamil demonstration, but, frankly, I'm tired of talking about the whole thing now, so I shall not be commenting again until - if - the protest ifinishes. Apart, that is, from this one last bit of food for thought: Imagine if it was three thousand white BNP skinheads protesting. How long do you think they'd have been allowed to sit shouting in the road in Birdcage Walk?

23rd April '09 - St. George's Day. Or rather night, as I'm on the old graveyard shift once more. I was going to have a drive over Westminster Bridge tonight to take a night shot of Parliament flying the Cross of St. George, only I couldn't because of all the bloody Tamil protestors STILL cluttering up the area. Apparently, the 'powers' that be are now thinking about re-routing Sunday's London Marathon to keep the runners away from these people. How much longer is this national embarrassment going to continue?

22nd April '09 - Budget Day, and if Badgerface really wants to save some money, may I suggest he offers new 'asylum seekers' the same deal as the French government? Over here, as soon as they hit British soil, they can claim £42.16 a week if they're single and £66.13 if they're married. If they have kids, there's an extra £3 - £5 available. They get free healthcare, free dentistry, free sight tests and free glasses. There's free housing (worth £100 a week or so), free education for any kid aged five and over (worth up to £5000), and any pregnant woman is also eligible for a one-off maternity payment of £300. Know what the French give them? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Bugger-all. Not a fucking sausage. So there you go, Badgerface. A money-saving option for you. Or you could simply carry on squeezing us working mug taxpayers until we throw you out of office.

21st April '09 - Amusing to see Sir Alex Ferguson moaning in all the papers about how the state of the Wembley pitch cost his team the FA Cup semi-final against Everton, thus denying Manchester United the chance of an historic quintuple silverwear haul. I'm not quite sure about this line of reasoning, since them bluenoses up the road have been playing on an allotment all season and will still finish second. No, the fact is, Alex, old son, this one is down to you. If you'd have wanted it that badly, you should have put out a stronger team. End of. Oh, and while I'm at it, here's a quick tip. Maybe if you took the time to remove your chewing gum when you're being interviewed, people might not think you're such a tool in future. Although I still will, obviously...

20th April '09 - Here I am, back at work, and the first thing I noticed as I tried to get from the Elephant to Swiss Cottage today was that there are still hundreds of shouty Sri Lankans in Parliament Square. This is because the Old Bill are too paralysed with fear to move them on in case one of them dies out of spite and they get another complaint of police brutality. So it looks like they'll all just carry on until everybody dies of old age. Meanwhile, I shall be using Vauxhall Bridge from now on as there's no mentalists there. Yet.

19th April '09 - It's official - Wolverhampton town centre is now dry. Ow, my head.

18th April '09 - Wolves 1 QPR 0. And that's it! Super Mick has done it! Wolves are back in the Premier League! I'm croaking because I've been shouting so much. Every car horn in Wolverhampton is going off and it's standing room only in the pubs! What a great atmosphere! I'm off for an ale or six! It's going to be a long, happy summer, folks!

17th April '09 - Although Alex and Clare are touring with Marky Ramone right now, they've nevertheless still found time to stick the final, finished video for 'Good Vibrations' on YouTube. It's sleazy, sexy and tacky as hell. In other words, brilliant! Here you go!

16th April '09 - Marco Pierre White may be the greatest chef that God ever created, but I for one would never eat anything created by the bloke because he looks like an unwashed fairground attendant. I mean, wearing a shemagh in a kitchen? I can't stand Gordon Ramsay, but at least the bloke knows where his razor is...

15th April '09 - In Denmark, six out of ten children brought up in care end up going to university. In Britain, it's six in a hundred. Education, education, education...

13th April '09 - Derby 2 Wolves 3. What? Wolves come from behind and win? Keogh gets two goals? Have I slipped through a wormhole into a parallel universe or something? Three games left and I'm starting to believe, kiddies!

12th April '09 - Today, I lay in bed reading. All day. I did try getting up at one point, but I couldn't think of anything better to do than lie stinking in my pit, slowly turning pages, so back I went (with a cup of tea, natch.) What was I reading? 'Birdsong' by Sebastian Faulks. Breathtaking stuff. Just when you think you've misjudged it and landed yourself with a steamy Mills and Boon bodice-ripper, it drops you into the trenches of World War One and proceeds to put you through the fucking mangler. Strongly recommended.

10th April '09 - That's it! A lovely week away from London and work. See you on the twentieth, folks! Hopefully by then, Wolves will have sorted their shit out and be pretty much promoted. Either that or settling down for a pointless play-off scrap. I can't bear it. Wake me up when the season's over...

9th April '09 - We're looking stupid in the eyes of the world again. For three days now, an illegal gathering of Sri Lankan nationals (all here legally, of course) have gathered outside the Houses of Parliament to protest about the treatment of Tamils in their home country. Quite what it has to do with us is beyond my understanding, but the point is, they're gathering illegally, waving flags from a proscribed organisation (the Tamil Tigers), which is also illegal, while generally pushing and shoving the Old Bill and not dispersing when told to. Again, illegal. So even before we rope in noise, obstruction and nuisance, that's three laws being broken straight off, so what are our police doing? Watching them. Nothing else, just standing there watching them. On overtime. Any other country in Europe, let alone the world, would've warned them to shift and then set the water cannons on them, but, oh, not Britain. Well, they're ethnic, dontcha know. Got to be tolerant, old boy. Pathetic. Apparently, some of the protestors keep threatening to hurl themselves into the Thames and have to be grabbed by Plod and taken to safety. Why? From there, depending on the tide, they will either end up out to sea or wash up within spitting distance of Fulham Mortuary. Fuck 'em, let 'em bob...

8th April '09 - My old mate Graham is just weeks away from retirement and there he was today, gazing over the paperwork from our finance department and totting up how much the golden handshake and pension will be. I swear if the bloke had grinned any wider, his head would've caved in. Good luck to you, mate! After forty years in this shitty game, you deserve every bloody penny...

6th April '09 - Birmingham 2 Wolves 0. Against ten men! Ten bloody men! Listening to it, we could've played for three, even four hours and still not have scored. It was the old 'cow's arse' and 'banjo' syndrome. How the fuck does Mick McCarthy expect to wear down a ten-man side by advocating a hoofing, long-ball game? Apart from Matt Jarvis, not a single Wolves player was fit to wear the shirt tonight. Absolute bollocks. What should've been an eight point lead is now down to two with five games left to play. There's every real chance we could blow this promotion challenge right at the death. I swear if Mick McCarthy ruins this, I'm going to pledge my loyalty to Walsall for the rest of my natural life.

5th April '09 - Better and better! Cardiff blew another of their games in hand, only picking up a point against Swansea. This is looking really good fnow. All we need is a point or better at Birmingham tomorrow and we'll really be in command of the division!

4th April '09 - Pants. Nowhere near this year, but at least my horse didn't fall over like they usually do when I pick them. Still, there was a bit of good news from today - Reading could only manage a draw! Lovely.

3rd April '09 - It's the Grand National tomorrow, the only time of the year when I have a bet on the horses. I hope one of my nags comes in this time, considering I ticked the 'each way' box on the slip by mistake and ended up sticking twice the amount I wanted to on the bloody thing. Pillock.

2nd April '09 - Well, we had our meeting with the boss yesterday, and basically, what he said was this: "We've decided we don't want you lot cluttering up this building anymore, so what we're going to do is keep a hand-picked few of you here along with all the important work and ship everyone else out to various sites around London, where'll you'll carry on doing all the routine stuff while, in your down time, training lots of new recruits to do your job so they can eventually replace you." He then wrapped things up by saying this wasn't the 'official' announcement and that 'more would be revealed' at a series of seminars...in June. However, he did ask us to go back to our teams with the news and to 'put a positive spin on it.' After work, I went for a pint. Or three. It's nice to feel valued, isn't it?

1st April '09 - I'm just off to work. Today's the day we find out the results of the 'review' undertaken into our department and we will all learn what the future holds for us. Note the date. How very appropriate.

31st March '09 - A mate of mine at work came up to me today and said "Here, Bill, you're into heavy rock. Have you got any 'Linkin Park' I can borrow?" I don't know what's sadder; the fact that he thought Linkin Park were heavy rock (as opposed to 'Disney metal') or the fact that I had to own up and say that I had...

30th March '09 - Even before the dust had settled from the revelation that Jacqui Smith had claimed one hundred and sixteen thousand pounds 'second home' allowance for her house,in Redditch while 'living' at her sister's place in London, we find out her husband has claimed for the dirty movies he'd watched while Jacqui was away! Predictably, everyone in the Smith residence(s) has been quick to apologise (for being found out) and no doubt Jacqui feels we should all 'move on'. Sorry, but I don't want to move on. I want someone charged with embezzlement and fraud, which is what would happen to me if I fiddled my expenses. What has to happen before the raft of laws that these morally bankrupt cod-Socialists have foisted upon us are actually applied to some of them? These pieces of shit have even voted to remove themselves from the boundaries of the 'Freedom of Information Act' that THEY brought in. So now we, the idiots funding them, have been blocked from finding out exactly how much they're claiming. Thirteen months to go before your P45 gets delivered, bitch. Tell hubby to enjoy those tax-payer funded late night wank-fests while he can...

29th March '09 - I drove the long way into work last night. All the way through Tooting, Balham, Clapham, Stockwell and Kennington. Why? Because it was nine o'clock - halfway through the much-hyped 'Earth Hour', and I wanted to marvel at the once-in-a-lifetime sight of London plunged into total darkness as everybody did what they were told like good little sheeple and turned their lights off to protest about climate change. Except, despite what the BBC might have told you, nobody did. There I was, driving past shops, houses, flats and business premises and all of them, ALL of them, were lit up as normal. In fact, the only way you'd know about this 'important global event' was if you'd looked up at the Big Ben clock, where they'd turned the lights off in all the faces. Oh, and the London Eye had changed it's white lights to blue for an hour. St. Paul's Cathedral, however, was blazing away as per, along with the whole of Canary Wharf, most of the City and all of the West End, apart from the advertising hoardings in Piccadilly. So there you have it: ninety-six low-energy bulbs in Big Ben darkened for an hour along with several thousand L.E.D.s above Eros. Wow. That'll do the trick, then. The planet is safe once more. Huzzah!

28th March '09 - 'People Power'; now there's a contradiction in terms if ever there was one. A bit like 'Military Intelligence' or 'Scottish Sportsman'. Anyway, a fine example of the willingness of gullible people to flock together for self-validation occurred in London today, as tens of thousand of white, middle-class people congregated for a march against the 'Evils Of Capitalism' to coincide with the G20 summit next week. Meanwhile, I found myself working overtime at premium rates because the guys who should've been at work were all out on abstracted duties because of these numpties. Lovely. A nice extra couple of hundred quid to add to the global debt that I'd never have earned if these worthy warriors had stayed home in the dry. Cheers, arseholes!

27th March '09 - Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has told the BBC it must not ignore it's Christian audience after figures showed the company had significantly reduced it's Christian broadcasting over the last decade. From one hour and 45 minutes a week of religious programming in 2001 to just half an hour (basically 'Songs of Praise') now. Quite frankly, even this is too much in my opinion, and I'm a practising Catholic. Religion should be a personal matter and few things on the telly are more annoying than watching those gurning fools in their new hats bellowing hymns every bloody Sunday, not that I do. Still, why should the BBC listen to the good Archbishop anyway? Nobody else does, and quite right too. The man is a ridiculous embarrassment with his mad hair, mad eyebrows, ridiculous beard and idiot opinions. Piss off, Gandalf, nobody's listening.

26th March '09 - Sometimes I encounter a piece of reasoning of such eye-watering stupidity that it's all I can do not to smack my head against the wall. Get this - car manufacturer Vauxhall are raising their prices by five percent because, overall, UK car sales have dropped twenty percent in the last quarter. So, let me get this straight: Nobody wants to buy their products so they're putting the prices up. It's not me, is it?

25th March '09 - Jonathan Ross took his seventeen year old daughter Betty Kitten to a film premiere last night. Betty is obviously an alumni of the Peaches Geldof School of Teenager; all dyed hair, stupid clothes and pretentious pouts to the camera. I was all for dropping an email to Jonathan at his BBC address telling him how ridiculous his daughter looked, but then I had a better idea. Does anyone know the phone number of Jonathan's father? I could give him a bell and explain in great detail how I'd fucked his granddaughter. I could even tape the conversation and post it here as an audio link, too. Because that would be really, really funny, wouldn't it, Jonathan?

24th March '09 - The blossoms are out and my hayfever is back once more. My eyes are streaming, my face is blotchy and red, I'm dosed up like a Piriton zombie and to cap it all, I'm working Nights this week. Bleh-h-h.

23rd March '09 - Has Boris Johnson been reading this column? Only ten days ago I congratulated him on cutting the amount of public money spent on St. Patrick's Day celebrations in London and, in the same sentence, slagged him off for not spending a few bob on our patron saint. Well, Mayor Boris told the press yesterday that he will be funding a week-long series of free events in the capital celebrating St. George's Day after stating that it had been ignored for far too long. Quite right too. So we'll be getting free Shakespeare at The Globe, folk music and Morris men in Trafalgar Square and red and white bunting everywhere. Finally, finally, after so many years of moaning on this site, I will be able to walk the streets on April 23rd in my white shirt with the red cross on and not feel like the only Englishman in London that gives a toss. Boris has even stated that the Cross of St. George will be flown at City Hall for the week, too. This alone has won him my vote for life. Boris, I love you, you floppy-haired shagger, you!

21st March '09 - Nottingham Forest 0 Wolves 1.  A rather splendid afternoon all round, I feel. Not only did we come away with three points from a dreary game, but Birmingham could only manage a draw with Norwich, while Reading poked one of their games in hand in a goalless slog away at Crystal Palace. Reading, the third place team, are now nine points behind us. This means that three wins out of our last six games and we're up. The only snag is our next one is away up the road against the Blouses themselves. Never mind, we've got a nice long rest until April 6th. The prize is in sight, folks!

20th March '09 - Bernie Ecclestone, the midget billionaire in charge of Formula One, has announced that from next season, the driver's title will be decided by the number of wins, rather than by points accrued. This will apparently make things more competitive and exciting, as drivers will now take more risks and blah de blah de blah. I don't care. Does anyone still watch this boring load of bollocks?

19th March '09 - The box-office figures are in, and 'Watchmen' has dropped off catastrophically over it's second week. This is sad, not just for those of you who are missing the chance to see a well-crafted, thought-provoking and challenging piece of genre cinema, but also for anyone who went to see 'The Dark Knight' and enjoyed it. Because now, the studios will look at the last Batman film as a fluke propped up solely by Heath Ledger's death and will see 'Watchmen's numbers as proof that the cinema-going public doesn't want dark and adult adaptations after all. So from now on, we can all leave our brains at the hot-dog counter and look forward to staring, slack-jawed at a non-stop run of 'Fantastic Four' and 'Transformers' movies, can't we? Deep joy.

18th March '09 - Ra ra, back to work. Well, technically, I'm not back until tomorrow, but I have this management exam thing today, so I have to go all the way over to the other side of London and sit in a classroom for seven hours. I don't know why I'm bothering, frankly. The 'management' at work will never let me into the club as I'm not one of the 'in' crowd. Still, It's another bit of framed A4 for the wall, and once me and my unit are booted out of our current location, our new management might be glad of whatever small contribution I can make to their unit. The current ones don't give a shit, that's for sure...

17th March '09 - Reading won their game in hand. Dave Kitson slotted home in with seven minutes to go. Bloody ginger pipe.

16th March '09 - As I was off, I decided to unwrap another of my rainy day '3 for £20' films. Today's masterpiece wa none other than 'Highlander - Endgame', the fourth in the franchise. Now, I've not seen the third one and the second one was one of the worst things I've ever sat through at the cinema, but the original has a special place in my heart. I love it to bits, from the Queen soundtrack to the shonky ending effects. It's a guilty pleasure, so to see Connor's wife Heather and his assistant Rachel popping up on the packaging made me think that it might possibly not be as bad as I feared. It was.

15th March '09 - Saw Gordon Brown on the news tonight. Is he still here, then?

14th March '09 - Wolves 2 Charlton 1. The scoreline suggests it was a close-run thing. It wasn't. Charlton put ten men behind the ball and it was a right ball-ache to break them down. Ebanks-Blake missing his second penalty out of the last three didn't help, either. Never mind though, we got there in the end, and it was nice to meet up with a couple of mates from work, too. One came down from London for the game and the other was staying at his missus's place in Telford. It felt slightly bizarre to see them in Molineux, but a few ales and a balti pie soon took the weirdness out of it. Next up - Nottingham Forest, who just got stiffed 5-0. Let's hope Reading poke one of their games in hand on Tuesday night, eh?

13th March '09 - Boris Johnson has decided that London will only be spending half the usual amount on this year's St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Quite right too. So how about spending the other half on a proper St. George's Day celebration, you silly-haired shag?

12th March '09 - I'd forgotten that I'd polished off three bags of Nobby's sweet chilli peanuts in the pub last night after the film. My lower colon has just reminded me. Oo-er!

11th March '09 - Go and see 'Watchmen'. Just go. Zack Snyder has created a masterpiece. A flawed masterpiece if you know the book inside out like I do, but those of you who are not familiar with Alan Moore's seminal work will find a rich, dark, adult superhero tale even more rewarding than 'The Dark Knight'. For me, there were only a couple of niggles and I'm sure these will iron out when we get the four hour Director's Cut, but for the most part, the film is just jaw dropping. If you flipped your wig for Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, you're going to love Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach. Whatever you do, catch this on the big screen, it's amazing. Who'd have thought after Joel Schumacher's appalling 'Batman And Robin' we'd one day have a three-hour 18 certificate superhero film? It's a great time to be a geek right now!

10th March '09 - An extremely early post (it's half five in the morning) as I'm off to see 'Watchmen' straight after work. My head will be too full to post stuff when I get back, so I'll add a few lines tomorrow...

9th March '09 - At long last I've started dicking about with a pictures page. It's the resizing and tabling thing that's been freaking me, but I think I've sorted it. No doubt all the Mac users will scoff that their machines are intuitive when it comes to imaging. Well, yes, they probably are, but then again, they can't play 'Empire - Total War', can they? Anyway, if anyone can think of a decent name for the photo page other than the frankly underwhelming 'photo page', drop me a line...

8th March '09 - Remind me again how I came to agree to do a Sunday night shift at the last minute when I had absolutely no need or desire to? 'Dedicated', That's my middle name. It sits right there on my birth certificate next to 'Gullible' and 'Mug'. 

7th March '09 - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Wolves 1. I'm not saying anything. Sod the quality of the football, if grinding out ugly one-nil wins is the way it's going to be for the run in, then that's fine by me. The Blouses and Cardiff both won, meaning we're still three points clear. A slight bonus was Reading fluffing one of their games in hand by only picking up a draw at Plymouth, but there's still nine games left and it's still anybody's title. Tenth place Ipswich on Tuesday night, then bottom place Charlton next weekend. Come on, me babbies!

6th March '09 - I got sworn at by a Buddhist today. Well, I say 'Buddhist'; he was one of those orange-robed Hare Krishna types on Oxford Street pretending to be everybody's friend and angling for their bank details for something or other. Anyway, he smiled at me as I approached him outside HMV, but before he could launch into his speil, I shot him down with "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to cultists." Instantly, his smile fled and I got a snarl of "Well, fuck you then!" Charming. What happened to peace, enlightenment and love for one's fellow man, eh? Still, we are all mere travellers on the great wheel, apparently. Which is nice...

5th March '09 - This morning when the bank statement arrived, I had what alcoholics refer to as 'a moment of clarity'. See, I have an 'Additions' bank account with Barclays. For a small fee (which has always been equivalent to whatever interest I earned), I got access to a £1200 overdraft (which I've never used), free legal advice (which I've never needed) and free currency conversions (which I've always forgetten about until the plane was in the air). But now I've realised that, with the bank's interest rates at 0.5% (and trust me, they'll be going lower), I am now, in effect, paying Barclays to look after my money. You know that bit in the cartoons where the coyote stops running, looks at the camera and 'jackass' ears appear on him? Yeah, right. So first thing tomorrow I shall be looking long and hard at alternative banking ideas. Any suggesions?.

3rd March '09 - Crystal Palace 0 Wolves 1. Talk about grinding out an ugly win! Three points at long last, but boy, was that hard work! In a match played during a driving rainstorm, the lads looked as twitchy and as nervous as usual, but they managed to sneak it courtesy of an Ebanks-Blake penalty.Phew! Still on top, but both Reading and Cardiff won too. It's going to be a long and messy run-in. Oh, and for the benefit of my old mate Morgan - cheers for the six points this season, monkey-boy!

2nd March '09 - Have you checked the side of your toothpaste tube lately? I have, and I'm slightly concerned about all that Arabic writing. It's probably only something along the lines of 'For A Smile So Bright, It'll Shine Through Your Niqab'. But by the same token, it could easily be saying 'We've Laced This With Polonium. Die Screaming, Infidel Dog!' Worrying.

1st March '09 - Not that you monkeys would know; what with all your Chris Moyles Radio One bollocks and your manufactured Simon Bigtrousers 'X-Factor' nonsense, but the world of metal and hardcore (that's 'heavy rock' to you, grandad) is currently having what can only be descibed as a Golden Age. Recent albums from old favourites like Slipknot and Metallica have been excellent, and the stuff on the cutting edge, such as Enslaved's 'Vertebrae', Casketnail's 'Memories Of A Better Time' and Meshuggah's 'ObZen' have all been balls-out brilliant in the last twelve months. However, I've just found what could well be the album of 2009 and it's not even March yet. 'Wrath', the fifth studio album from Virginia five-piece Lamb Of God is, quite simply, one of the best metal albums I've ever heard. Do yourself a favour and check them out here. You can also listen to a few tracks over at their MySpace page here. Or you could simply carry on being spoonfed whatever aural diarrhoea fatboy Moyles feeds you...

28th February '09 - Wolves 0 Plymouth 1. No answer to a goal conceded after only forty seconds and now only one win in eleven. That's more than a quarter of a season. Bizarrely, hysterically, we're still top, although Birmingham can draw level with a win against the Blades tomorrow afternoon. I'm sad, deeply sad that all the evidence points to us finishing the season in a play-off scrap because there's simply no need for it to have ever got this bad. Continually playing Collins for weeks after the fans realised what a liability he was. Continually being too late with substitutions (Vokes came on with five minutes left here, Friend with two - how the hell are tactics like that going to influence a game that was already lost almost an hour and a half previously?) Continually backing off in the early stages of a game and attempting to 'read' it, then conceding a goal and having to chase. It all smacks of a team who are, quite simply, out of ideas. We are shocking at the back (Berra is no Mancienne, but, like Miller before him, he proves the point that Scotchmen don't travel well) and, apart from Ebanks-Blake, we are incapable of finishing clinically up front. There are many 'names' in this team who really, really need to take a good look at themselves over the next couple of days. Keogh, Kightly, Iwelumo, Ward. You know who you are. It's Crystal Palace away on Tuesday night. Three points are required or we can forget about automatic promotion. No one's going to fear us in our last dozen games if we've only clocked up one win in the previous dozen.

27th February '09 - For the last couple of years, I've been using Sony MDR earphones for my iPod. I don't particularly like these shove-in-your-lugholes ear-bud type of headphones, but they were the only kind that generated any meaningful levels of bass, which is essential if you're out and about. Until now. I've just bought a pair of these from SkullCandy and they're the beans. Ultra light, very comfortable and they grip your head like a vice. What's more, the sound they kick out is deep, rich and layered and the bass levels are awesome - perfect for the discerning metalhead about town. They're also half the price of the Sony bud things. Top stuff!

26th February '09 - The 'Watchmen' reviews are beginning to roll in thick and fast now, most of them full of praise and constructive criticism. One negative review stands out like a blue cock, though, and that's from Robbie Collin at 'News Of The World'. Oh dear. Not very impressed, is he? Maybe he doesn't like 'comic book' movies. Maybe he couldn't see too much of the screen through his ridiculously fashionable hair. Or maybe - just maybe - he works for a paper that is owned by Rupert Murdoch. The same Rupert Murdoch who also owns Twentieth Century Fox; the studio that sued Warner Brothers for ownership of the rights to 'Watchmen' and eventually lost. Sorry, 'settled out of court'. Sour grapes, Rupert old son?

25th February '09 - Again on the news today, ten years after the Lawrence inquiry, the Metropolitan Police 'Service' had to issue a statement denying the fact that it was still 'institutionally racist'. Balls. Of course the MPS is institutionally racist. It recognises and supports the existence of a 'Black Police Association'. How much more divisively racist can you get?

24th February '09 - The first reviews of 'Watchmen' have begun rolling in, with both Empire and Total Film giving it a four star thumbs-up. I'm still cautious, if hopeful, but even if it's crap, the iMax experience will still be a hoot. I wonder if they sell pic n' mix?

23rd February '09 - Timing is everything. For almost two months now, I've been waiting for a parcel from a company in Kent. I've gone through the polite email, the curious email and the downright snotty email; all of which they replied to courteously, humbly and apologetically, saying as soon as their suppliers delivered the goods, I'd be getting them tout suite. This morning however, I had enough. Nine weeks. No more Mister Nice Guy. A full-on rant of an email telling them what I thought of their company, their website, their customer service and their mothers. I told them to shove the ordered item up their useless arses and that I'd see them in the small claims court. Half an hour later, the item I'd ordered popped through the letter box. Together with a second one of a much higher value completely free as their way of saying sorry for the delay. Fucksocks.

22nd February '09 - Wolves 2 Cardiff 2. Now that's better. Despite the scoreline (and the fact we were chasing it in the second half), the lads played really solidly against Dave Jones's in-form side, who were unbeaten in eleven before kick-off, and we came to the game knowing that Reading and Birmingham both lost yesterday, which eased the pressure ever-so-slightly. A brace of mis-hits and fluffed chances meant we could, with a bit of luck, have won this 5-2. However, Wolves have never been a lucky team, so it's come down to a matter of grinding out results for these last thirteen games. Roll on Plymouth next week. Play like we played today and...dare I say it...three points?

20th February '09 - A fiver says that when poor, unfortuante Jade Goody pops her clogs we get treated to the full Princess Diana street-lining sobfest up and down the country, with Interflora cenotaphs on every corner and Jeremy Kyle's trousers at half mast in memory of 'The People's Pondlife'. Pass the sick bag.

19th February '09 - I thought this month would just zip by being only twenty-eight days and all that, but it's dragging like a seal's arse for me. Perhaps it's because the gaffer forgot to stick my overtime in and I only picked up plain pay? I'm currently broker than a broke-dick dog. Now I know how Roman Abramovich feels. He's down to his last three billion, the poor bastard...

18th February '09 - The iMax tickets for 'Watchmen' are booked. March 10th, straight after work. Please God, don't let this movie be shit, I've waited twenty years for it!

17th February '09 - Tongues. We tend to take them for granted, don't we? They're extremely useful appendages that allow us to talk and taste and I can't imaging life without one. Well, yes I can. You see, I've just finished off a Sainsbury's 'hot and spicy' pizza which was nothing of the sort, so I decided to tickle it up a bit with a few dashes of this. Now, I have a purple face, my tongue is lolling out of my mouth like a knackered hound and I can't feel my lower jaw. Fantastic!

16th February '09 - Part of what makes me the dedicated, hard-working 'credit-to-the-department' individual that I am is the ability to focus for long periods of time on the most minute detail of the task in hand. All the chaps in my old team had this skill, as they worked with UV and lasers day in, day out, but when I changed units eighteen months ago, I noticed that this sort of level of concentration was missing in many of the individuals I encountered. Happily, I was able to demonstrate the ability to them this afternoon as I sat staring at my mobile phone screen playing 'Scrabble' for three solid hours whilst waiting for the phone to ring. Dedication. You can't whack it.

15th February '09 - As you know, it was Valentine's Day yesterday. The Fishwife presented me with a lovely big card as soon as she woke up but the flowers and chocolates I'd arranged for her weren't delivered until late in the afternoon. You should've seen the looks I was getting...

14th February '09 - Burnley 1 Wolves 0. Nine bastard games and only one win. Only three points clear now and the teams below us have games in hand. In another week we could find ourselves in the play-off spots and then the chants of 'You don't know what you're doing' and 'McCarthy out' will start. Where did it all go wrong? Oh yes, sending Mancienne back. That and still allowing Collins to play of course...

13th February '09 - I'm out of town and back to lovely Wolver-hamper-ton for the weekend. I was going to leave the motor here and take the brood up on the train this time, but I've just seen the colossal price hikes that went on the fares last month, so Richard Branson can go and sit on his greasy fingers for that sort of money. The thinking behind these corporate morons never ceases to amaze me. There's a global recession, people are struggling for money and cutting down on unnecessary rail travel, so Virgin put the fares up. Then have to send half empty trains out, which means that the profit margins dive even further, so they have to put the fares up again. Richard, sweetheart, ever heard of EasyJet? You know, the whole concept of cheaper seats and no frills = more customers? It's a train, not a bloody hotel. A long, tube-shaped bus that goes a bit quicker and has fewer stops. Flogging three types of bottled water and roasted vegetable focaccias on it smack just a tad of overkill, don't you think? No? Ah well, looks like another big name could be heading south before too long. Although not on a Virgin train, obviously. They're too expensive...

12th February '09 - I've caught one or two friends and work colleagues looking strangely at my chin lately, so here's a quick word of explanation. No, the shaver hasn't broken and no, I'm not eating a weasel. Fact is, I'm in a transitional phase. What I'm aiming for is this, but with this happening at chin level. Unfortunately, it's going to take time, so please don't hassle me - it's a work in progress...

11th February '09 - The reason some devices are labelled 'Bluetooth', is because the technology behind it is named after the Danish king Harald 'Blatand' Gormsson (935 - 986 AD). Old Harald was the king of a people we have come to refer to as 'Vikings', and his claim to fame is that he managed to briefly unite Denmark, Sweden and Norway under a single ruler. Because he was able to 'bring the people together', his name has been used for this unique piece of wireless development. Good job he wasn't called Hagar Bastard Skullfucker then, wasn't it?

9th February '09 - I've just invested in a new webcam. The old one was very low-res and dim, but this new one is the tits. However, having seen the images it produces, I have decided that it shall only be used for when the girls fancy an online natter with my sister, as the greater visual quality is somewhat disturbing to me when I catch sight of myself. See, because the camera clips onto the top of the monitor, it offers a huge panoramic view of my huge panoramic head. The image facing me has no neck whatsover, little shifty piggy eyes and looks like a slightly retarded Sontaran deviant. It's not pretty...

8th February '09 - I wish I was rich enough to be able to afford to keep a mistress. I don't actually want a mistress, you understand, I just wish I was rich enough to be able to afford one.

7th February '09 - Coventry 2 Wolves 1. What the hell is going on? We have now won just one game in the last eight and, if Reading win their game-in-hand, our 'lead' at the top will be reduced to one solitary point. We were absolutely lousy today. The only time we woke up was for the twenty minute spell at the start of the second half which led to our equaliser. Immediately afterwards, we went back to sleep again and within five minutes, Coventry had scored the winner. Ebanks-Blake fluffed a penalty in the ninety-fourth minute, too. And all this on Mick McCarthy's fiftieth birthday. He's not the only one who'll want to forget this particular Saturday. The only bright note of the afternoon was seeing that Reading and Birmingham could only manage draws which limited the fallout from this debacle, but I know - just know - that come May, we'll be stuck slogging it out in another bloody play-off battle thanks to pissing away opportunities against lesser teams like this. Shite. Utter shite.

6th February '09 - Jeremy Clarkson is in trouble. Apparently he called Gordon Brown 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', and was forced to apologise rather swiftly, but my question is why? Let's examing the semantics of what Jezza said, shall we? Ok, taking the points in order, we'll start with the 'one-eyed' bit. Brown lost the sight in his left eye after being kicked in the head during a game of rugby he played whilst at school, which resulted in a detached retina. Ergo, the man has vision in one eye only, and can indeed be labelled 'one-eyed'. Next, 'Scottish'. Well, Gordon was born in Govan, Glasgow in 1951. No denying the boy is of Scots descent really, is there? That only leaves the 'idiot' bit. Now, whilst acting as Chancellor of the Excequort to Tony B. Liar, Gordon Brown sold off four hundred tons of gold from the Bank of England at a time when the maket was at a twenty year low. Gordon flogged our reserves at a series of prices between $256 and $296 an ounce. Currently, as I type this, the bullion price is listed as $911 an ounce. Not a particularly bright move then, I'm sure you'll agree. Therefore, if we break down the salient points of Jeremy's statement in order; ie, his accusation that Gordon is a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot', I think you'll find that I've propped up the Clarkson argument quite comprehensively. So allow me to add my own endorsement to Mr. Clarkson's: Gordon, I too, think you're a one-eyed Scottish idiot, and I suggest that the evidence speaks for itself. If you disagree with my conclusion, then feel free to sue me, chief...

5th February '09 - London's 'black cab' taxi drivers brought the centre of town to a standstill for two hours this afternoon as they gridlocked Trafalgar Square in protest at a minicab rank that has been opened up by Westminster Council. The Council say that there's never enough black cabs around when people need one. Predictably, the cabbies deny this and say that minicabs will undercut their profits and kill their livelihood. Having wasted many late night hours over the last two decades wandering the streets looking for a cab home, I feel I'm qualified to offer an opinion on this matter. Two actually. First, gentlemen, perhaps if you charged by the mile instead of by the clock, people would be more inclined to patronise your cripplingly expensive vehicles and second, maybe if some of you actually demeaned yourselves to go south of the fucking river after ten o'clock at night, you might find a few more of us showing sympathy to your cause.

3rd February '09 - Wolves 3 Norwich 3. I can't believe that Delia Smith's bunch of green and yellow chancers have managed to stick eight bloody goals past us this season! How the hell can Sylvan Ebanks-Blake slot a killer hat-trick and still not win us this game? We were absolutely shocking at the back. Shocking. The sooner Christophe Berra gets himself bedded in and takes charge of our ropey defence, the better. This was not a point won, it was two points dropped. Not good enough by a fucking long chalk...

2nd February '09 - Snow. Real, proper snow, There is a good four or five inches over everything as I look out the window while I type this at half five in the morning. This is absolutely unheard of in inner London. The BBC's website reckons there's six to eight inches out in the sticks. My old mate Penfold will be chortling at this seeing as he lives in Canada, but in twenty years of living in London, I honestly can only remember having a proper snowfall once, and that was when I was living in Crystal Palace in '91. Seeing as I live fairly close to work and am Duty Officer all week, it's going to be interesting to see how many shirkers play the sick card this morning...

UPDATE - It's half five in the evening and I've just got home. The tube got me to Tooting Bec, but I had to walk the last mile and a half since all of London's buses were cancelled. Never mind, it was lovely. Hundreds of people on the Bec making snowmen (and the odd anatomically-correct snow-woman) and having snowball fights. It was nice walking along with all the other people brave (or stupid) enough to have made the effort to get in and do a full day's work. There was very little traffic noise and generally all you could hear was laughter. Magical. By the way, know how many people made it in today? Four. Out of an operational team of twenty-two. No 'senior' managers, either. Lightweights, the lot of 'em!

1st February '09 - Bloody hell, what happened to January? Well, here we are again in February. We like February. Only four weeks long, which means payday comes round just that little bit quicker. Marvellous.

31st January '09 - Wolves 3 Watford 1. Yes! Now that's more like it! See the difference it makes when that tool Collins isn't playing and Kightly actually thinks about his game? Ebanks-Blake even manages to get back to scoring ways despite looking like he's eaten all the balti pies in the South Bank. Top result, and better still, both Preston and the Blouses only managed draws! Disco! Four points clear and Norwich visiting on Tuesday, which is always good for a laugh, especially if Delia's been on the cooking sherry...

30th January '09 - Was that Iggy Pop I've just seen on the goggle-box flogging car insurance? Is nothing sacred? What's next, Bruce Willis doing Norwich Union ads? Argh!

28th January '09 - Finally, 'Tomb Raider - Underworld' arrived from Amazon today. Us PlayStation 2 owners have had to wait two months for our version because the company coding it had to convert everything from the PS3 version. So what's it like? Was it worth the wait, especially considering it follows the superb 'Anniversary' - one of the best PS2 titles ever released? Allow me to illustrate the quality of the game by offering a quick breakdown of this evening's time-frame: 18:40 - Got in, opened parcel from Amazon. 18:45 - Powered up PS2, put 'Underworld' disc in. 18:50 - Started playing 'Underworld'. 18:55 - Removed 'Underworld' disc, turned off PS2, powered up PC. 19:00 - 'Underworld' now listed on eBay, no reserve price. Yep, it's THAT bad. The only consolation I have is that it's so new, very few people have heard how bad it is, which is why, less than five minutes after it hit eBay, someone bought it at my 'Buy It Now' price of £12. There's one born every minute. Well, two actually...

27th January '09 - Reading 1 Wolves 0. If we'd have won this, we'd have gone eight points clear. A draw would've kept things sweet on a five point cushion so what did we do? Plant an own goal after sixty seconds thanks to that dick Collins and then chase the game for ninety minutes. To add insult to injury, the twat also got himself sent off in injury time, just as we were throwing everyone forward. Wanker. That's it. Two minutes past eight tonight was the point where we blew automatic promotion. We're still top - just - but the way things are going we stand a very real chance of finding ourselves in third spot by half five on Saturday afternoon. Our last five games? Drawn three, lost two. Fucking pathetic.

25th January '09 - Perhaps I was a little harsh on Kights and the lads with yesterday's comment. After watching Arsenal's 'performance' against Cardiff this afternoon, at least I can say that Wolves are usually capable of giving their opponents a game, unlike Arsene Wenger's tedious bunch of millionaire misfits. I generally come away spitting whenever I see Wolves lose at home, but at least I've only shelled out thirty-five quid (including a pint and a balti pie) and I've more often than not seen a goal or two. Imagine being a Gooner and having to shell out up to ninety-two quid to sit through a yawnfest like that. Bo-o-oring!

24th January '09 - Wolves 1 Middlesborough 2. And there we go, out of the FA Cup. Funny thing - we were having a damn good game up until the sixty-fifth minute. Ok, so Southgate's lot sneaked a cheap one in just before half time, but we came back strongly after the break and Sam Vokes equalised brilliantly on sixty-three minutes. We were looking strong and aggressive. We were up for it. Then Kightly came on...

23rd January '09 - For all those of you still using Norton products, can I humbly suggest you have a look at this? It does twice as much as Systemworks, runs unobtrusively in the background and doesn't keep sticking it's fucking nose in every few minutes and slowing your system to a crawl like the market 'leader'. It's cheaper, too. Go on, try it...

22nd January '09 - Sony, bless 'em, have decided to get in on the lucrative netbook market. They've just launced two new Vaio models at £849 and £1379 repectively. Both are the same size as my Eee, but only the more expensive model outperforms it. Why the extortionate price? Well, according to Sony, it cost more than other netbook options because, they say, 'it is something that people will want to aspire to.' You're going to go out of business, boys, you know that, don't you?

21st January '09 - Here I sit typing this just before I head out on the Night Shift. It's a cold evening here in London, it's raining and blowing a gale. Two of my team are off and there's every chance that I could be spending the next ten hours out taking photographs in this dreadful weather. The Fishwife, on the other hand, will be lying on the sofa watching the DVD her mate has lent her. It's 'Mamma Mia'. On the whole, I reckon I'm getting off lightly...

20th January '09 - Well, that's it. The new Messiah is now installed in the Oval Office (despite having to be fed his inauguration lines three words at a time - even the previous idiot could string a sentence together...just.) Anyway, now Barack is the Prez, can we all please stop calling him 'black'? He's as much white as he is black, so the term is 'mixed race', surely? You know, like Tiger Woods or Lewis Hamilton. Oh wait, they're 'black' too, aren't they? How come it's not racist to completely eradicate the white side of someone's parentage? Like I said only a few days ago, 'racism' only works one way...

19th January '09 - Apparently, it's 'Blue Monday', the worst day of the year as people finally realise that Christmas is long gone, the New Year's resolutions have been broken and it's a long hard slog at work until the summer hols. Me, I had a great time today. catching up on my team's annual leave requests and sick returns and doing a bit more of my NVQ in Management. Nice and relaxing and the time just flew. What stress?

18th January '09 - The banks are now asking for a further £200 billion from the Government in order to bail them out. Where the fuck did the last lot go, Darling?

17th January '09 - Bristol City 2 Wolves 2. I don't know about Mick McCarthy, but I'm starting to get worried now. We pissed away a two goal lead here for no reason other than we couldn't be arsed to do some decent defending. We're badly missing Mancienne and we are now without a league win in four games. Luckily, the point we gained today was enough to increase our lead to five points since all the other monkeys lost, but it's still not good enough. Break the bank, Mick! Get Mancienne back!

15th January '09 - The Hollywood obsession with recycling shows absolutely no sign of rolling over and dying anytime soon, with 2009 all set to see even more pointless remakes. They're having a crack at 'Poltergeist', 'Fame' and 'The Taking Of Pelham 123' again now. Did all the screenwriters spontaneously drop dead after the strike or what?

14th January '09 - Racism is shocking. An evil, twisted human disease that ought to be stamped on, hard, wherever it's encountered. I'm sure Lucy Newman from Cheltenham will agree after she was beaten up and had her cheekbone broken recently. The twenty-two year old was punched to the ground because her attackers told her she was different and didn't belong there. They told her to get back to her own country. You could be forgiven for thinking Lucy was black, right? Only she's very white. A blonde, in fact, who just happens to be studying in another country - Scotland. Yep, our fine fellow British citizens from over the border gave poor Lucy a shoeing because she was English, only for some reason this shocking racist attack was barely mentioned on the news anywhere. Is it 'cos she is not black? Funny how racism only seems to work one way, isn't it?

13th January '09 - Birmingham 0 Wolves 2. See, this is what I don't understand. How can we get stuffed 3-1 at home by a bunch of chancers like Preston, yet carve the Blouses up on their own turf whilst fielding our second choice strikers. Maybe it's because we were fielding our second choice strikers? Iwelumo and Ebanks-Blake get rested, Keogh and Vokes start and they both get goals. Weird. Maybe Super Mick will ring the changes a bit for the Bristol City game, who knows. Anyway, a Fourth Round crack at Middlesborough beckons. Bring it on. Oh, and fellow Collins-haters might be interested to hear that he missed an open goal in this game, too. Knob.

12th January '09 - Here I am once more on 'Rest' days before I start the next lot of Nights on my shift pattern. Every time I hit one of these little three-day oases, I promise myself I'm going to use the time to do something constructive. I'll start that novel, I'll do another chunk of my NVQ. I'll restock the iPod from scratch. What I actually end up doing is lying in bed until ten and then aimlessly surfing the web all day. Not this time, though! Today, I swore things would be different. Today, I forced myself out of my pit at half past six with big plans to get things done. I made myself a coffee and then...stuck the computer on and proceeded to surf the web. Only until noon, though! Yes, at noon, I had a change of tack. I went back to bed for a read. Ah, this is hopeless. I'm just not the type of person who can spend all their free time doing stuff. If God had meant us to be busy when we're not being paid for it, He wouldn't have invented loafing, would He? Still, today was not a complete loss. I did manage to finish off the last of the Christmas shortbread. Who say I can't 'get things done', eh? Pssh!

11th January '09 - It has just come to my attention that Kate Winslet has got a couple of Golden Globes. She picked up two film awards last night as well. I thank you.

10th January '09 - Wolves 1 Preston 3. Shit. An utterly shit performance from a bunch of tired players who weren't even trying. According to the BBC printout, Wolves barely managed forty per cent of the possession at home against a team who are, at best, just about play-off material. Again, McCarthy gives a full ninety minutes to Kightly because he's Irish and reminds him of him and again the bloke does nothing but run around huffing and puffing. Pointlessly sprinting the length of the pitch each game is not really something to be admired. It's no good having what McCarthy refers to as a 'phenomenal workrate' if there's bugger-all at the end of it. Worse still, that utter joke Neil Collins is still being allowed to pull on the shirt despite continually playing opposing stikers onside and perenially fluffing easy passes. So, from being in a position to end the year ten points clear after Christmas, we're now barely a game ahead of the pack. Mr. McCarthy, if I may, two small bits of advice for you: 1) Stop playing Kightly because he doesn't do anything and 2) Stop playing Collins because he's a fucking liability. Otherwise this time next month we could very well be a play-off team ourselves. There's still three weeks of the transfer window left, Mick. Offload these useless plums before it's too late.

9th January '09 - I spent all day today in a meeting that my boss forced me to go on. ("I've received your annual leave request, Bill. By the way, there's a meeting I can't make tomorrow, can you go?") Anyway, there were thirty-seven people in this 'working party' and one topic under discussion. A topic that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with my job. So basically, I just sat there like a stuffed tit and only said three words in six solid hours. They were: "One sugar, thanks." And you lot wonder where your taxes are going...

8th January '09 - I wish the newspapers would stop with all this over-reacting when it comes to the weather. This isn't a 'snow storm' and minus six isn't 'Arctic' temperatures. Toughen up, you bunch of wimps.

7th January '09 - Apparently, I haven't yet passed comment on Matt Smith, the new Doctor Who, so here goes. He looks alright. Yes, he's young, but he reminds me of Crispin Glover with a New Romantic hair-do. Not a bad combination for an quirky alien genius when you think about it. Good luck to the bloke. I'm sure the great Steven Moffat wouldn't ruin a franchise he turned down Spielberg for if he didn't think Matt could handle it. Roll on 2010.

6th January '09 - That's it. I've just paid off the Christmas credit card bill and this officially ends my spending for 2009. Credit crunch, recession or simple belt-tightening, call it what you will, but I've had a good look round here at Fish Towers and I've realised that there isn't anything I actually need anymore and that those things I'd like (such as a new gaming pc), I can happily do without until they start selling them at a more reasonable price. If everyone starts doing this, the economic term is called 'Deflation'. Good, bring it on. Meanwhile all those of you who want to carry on patronising the likes of Apple, Nike, Sony et al, please feel free to carry on being willingly fleeced. Baaa...

5th January '09 - Back to work after a fortnight away and the first thing I found waiting for me was three pages of emails. Once I'd deleted the crap, whittled down the stuff that wasn't really relevant to me and binned the stuff that had already gone out of date, I was left with twenty-three. Not bad, but still a waste of a whole morning. What the hell did we do before Microsoft Outlook? Work for a living, I suppose. I no longer recall...

4th January '09 - The long, sorry drive back to shitty London. For the first time in nearly twenty years, I find myself not wanting to go back to work tomorrow. This is what happens when high-flying management Masons get given carte blanche to systematically 'reorganise' departments they know nothing about. They get paid huge amounts for changing things seemingly at random and then buggering off again without being held accountable for the aftermath. Cheers, Richard. You tube.

3rd December '09 - Bloody Blouses! The cup match between Birmingham and Wolves had to be called off because of a frozen pitch. We have underpitch heating at Molineux, but those blue tossers up the road still haven't put it in, despite having been given a shit-load more Premiership money than we ever had. Tight Brummie bar-stewards...

2nd January '09 - It was at this point that I looked at the calendar and wondered where all that lovely leave had gone. Then, I looked at the supplies and wondered where all the lovely beer had gone. And the Blair's 'Death Rain' chilli kettle chips. 'Bother', said Pooh.

New Year's Day '09 - Today, I didn't get up at all. I lay there reading Bernard Cornwell, chucked myself in the bath around half eleven, made my bed and then got back in again. A bit later, I wandered downstarirs, got some food, took it back upstairs and lay in bed eating and reading. Then I had a nap. Later, I got some more food, made a cup of tea, took it back upstairs and drank it whilst reading. Then I went to sleep. What a fine day. Marvellous. This is what life must be like all the time for my Somalian chums at the bottom of the road. Almost worth voting for Gordon, isn't it?

New Year's Eve '08 - Faced with a choice between Jools Holland and Elton John, I opted for the idea of an early night with the cunning proviso of setting my alarm for five to midnight, at which point I came downstairs, went out into the garden, lit a rocket, came back in, sent some texts, drank half a bottle of Champagne and a bottle of cava and was back in bed before one. Ace plan! I'll be doing this every New Year from now on. Apart from next year when I've just realised I'm on Nights. Cock.

30th December '08 - All the 'Barnstormer' has gone and the 'Festivity' is on it's last legs. Fortunately, I have just returned from an amazing little off-licence down the road that sells Cain's Raisin Beer and Ridley's Old Bob. Or rather 'sold', as I think I've cleaned him out...

29th December '08 - Blackpool 2 Wolves 2. Balls. Right at the death, too, just as we'd snatched what looked to be a late winner. I don't know what the problem was this afternoon (too many mince pies?) but we didn't get out of second gear all game. Two points dropped, but still seven points clear at the top of the Championship going in to 2009. Yeah, I'll take that...

27th December '08 - I have now seen 'Kung Fu Panda' five times in two days. Awesome!

Boxing Day '08 - Wolves 1 Sheffield United 1. Lucky. The Blades came for some payback after the spanking we gave them at their place and we did well to deny them three points as they were all bloody over us! I'm more than happy with a point from this one. We don't often take four points from these guys in a typical season!

Christmas Day '08 - A mini cask of Bath Ales 'Festivity', a mini cask of Bath Ales 'Barnstormer', a packet of vanilla Havanas and copious handfuls of wasabi peanuts provided the background amusement. A full turkey dinner with all the trimmings took care of the main event. Afterwards, I just kind of sat there and looked fat all evening. With a life-size Cyberman helmet on. Well, had to get in the mood for 'Doctor Who', didn't I? I shouldn't have bothered really as it was dreadful, but at least Kylie wasn't in it. Or Billie bloody Piper.

Christmas Eve '08 - Went up to Wolverhampton to meet a mate for a last minute ale while the girls went to assault Next, but he cried off sick so I had to settle for a latte and some cake once they'd finished shopping. This must be how normal families behave. Weird.

23rd December '08 - Well, the little Asus Eee came out of the box, got powered up and I've had a good play. Good points? It's quick to boot, the screen is ace, the battery lasted seven hours and now I've dropped a 2GB memory chip in it, it's bleeding lightning. Bad points? Xandros. Not the greatest Linux distro on the market. As soon as I get back, I'm sticking Ubuntu on it instead. Could be worse though, I could've gone for the Windows version. Ick.

22nd December '08 - The annual jaunt to Brmingham for a few beers and a hot sausage or two, made all the more amusing this year by the fact that my old mate Bry was still hung over from the night before. No, scratch that, he was still wankered from the night before. Oh well, nothing that several more ales couldn't put right. Birmingham was absoulutely heaving with dobbers doing their last minute shopping. The queue in HMV was coming out of the door. Who are these idiots? What are they buying? Why?

20th December '08 - Yay! Here I sit having just finished my Night shifts. A quick hello and goodbye to you lot and I'm off for a nice relaxing drive to the Midlands for Christmas. Well, the Fishwife will be having a drive; I'll be asleep, but you get the picture. There might be a post or two between now and the New Year if I ever manage to get this new netbook out of the sodding box and up and running, but if not - back on the 4th. Have a good one, dudes!

19th December '08 - It looks like, once again, the new winner of poxy bloody 'X-Factor' will have the Christmas number one song. That'll be four years in a row that you idiot sheep have lined Simon Big Trouser's pockets over the festive season but hey, it's your money. This year's 'winner', Alexandra somebody-or-other will be serenading us with her version of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah'. God help us. Now don't get me wrong, this is an amazing, beautiful song but it needs some pathos and fire behind it and, quite frankly, do we really need another cover version? Leonard himself sang it well, Jeff Buckley nailed it and John Cale knocked it out of the fucking park with, for me, the definitive version. Since then Allison Crowe's had a go at it, Rufus Wainwright's had a go at it and now this twenty-year-old bint is having a go at it. And boy, is she having a go at it. With the law of diinishing returns well and truly in place, Alexandra's version is by far the duffest one I've ever heard, but because of the tone-deaf gibbons who buy this manufactured dreck (that'll be you), it'll no doubt sell by the truckload. Still, at least Simon fucking Cowell is off the telly for the foreseeable future. Hallelujah.

18th December '08 - Well, that was fun. Wonder where I've been for a week? Well, you know the fun I was having with the missing USB driver for my external hard drive? I did a bit of searching and found a program called 'DriverMagic' which apparently is supposed to check every bit of kit on your computer and automatically select and download the most up-to-date drivers for everything. Sounds the beans, doesn't it? I thought so, and happily paid my wedge and downloaded it. It spent two hours finding stuff and updating things before telling me to restart my computer and implement the changes. I did...and that was it. Absolutely fuck-all except the black screen of death. No XP logo, no cursor, nada. No probs, thought I, we'll just Safe Mode and System Restore, right? Wrong. Couldn't get into Safe Mode because the mouse and keyboard drivers were non-existant. "Aha! That'll be because they're USB. I'll go and buy a cheap PS/2 mouse and keyboard combo, that'll sort it!", was my next though. Wrong again; still fuck-all response. BIOS settings? Nope, no joy there. I know! How about a £40 recovery disc! Bollocks, it still needs a fucking mouse to work it. In the end, I found a pc engineer in Croydon and took the bloody thing round. Two hours it took him and it's now back to full working order. He even stuffed the new drivers in, optimised the registry and cleaned out all the crap. Thanks, Graham! You're a star! So here I am back again. Shed-loads out of pocket (my Christmas drinking money), but with a fully operational system once more...just in time to leave it for a week and go to Wolverhampton. Oh well...

13th December '08 - Wolves 2 Barnsley 0. That was a lot tougher than it needed to be, but fair play to Barnsley for coming to Molineux, rolling their sleeves up and giving us a game. Best of all, the Blouses up the road lost their match, so the six point cushion is well and truly back in place. Yowzer!

12th December '08 - It was our Christmas do this evening. I organised a meal at the excellent 'Porters' in Covent Garden. For those of you unfamiliar with the joint, it's a real ale and pie restaurant. We met in the Young's pub round the corner and returned there after the meal. Did you see what I did there? Ale, Ale, Pie then Ale again. Turkey and mulled wine, my shiny helmet...

11th December '08 - Still can't get this bloody external hard drive to work. How am I supposed to back up all my stuff if Windows bloody XP doesn't see the sodding thing when you plug it in? I did think of sticking all my music and photos onto DVDs, but there's seventy gig of the bloody stuff. Not good.

10th December '08 - I've just bought a lovely little steel combination safe for all my valuables. It's only six inches square, but it has a proper combination lock that clicks impressively when you spin the dial. Awesome! Shame I haven't go any actual valuables to put in the bleeder, isn't it?

9th December '08 - Wolves 3 Derby 0. That's what is known in the trade as 'bouncing back'. Well and truly steamrolled from the first minute to the ninetieth, it's difficult to see Derby even staying in the division this season. Bloody Birmingham won as well, though. Cock.

7th December '08 - Once I know what I'm doing, I'm going over totally to a Linux system. Bloody Windows XP has decided it doesn't want to see the external hard drive that it's happily been backing up to for the last four months, so I've got to search the bleeding interweb for a new driver for it, seeing as how it didn't come with a disc (it's supposedly 'plug and play'. Yeah, right.) Apart from gaming, there is absolutely no reason for me to patronise Bill Gates's shitty emporium, so I think I'm going to repartition my hard drive, keep a small chunk for XP so I can play 'Oblivion' and go Ubuntu on everything else. The other alternative is a Mac, but...actually, no, a Mac is no alternative whatsoever, is it? All style and no substance, the Leopard operating system is like a gift-wrapped turd. Lovely packaging on the outside, but inside...shit.

6th December '08 - QPR 1 Wolves 0. We weren't there. Seriously, we simply didn't show up. Whether everyone had been on the piss the night before knowing it was a half-five kick off, I don't know, but this was an absolutely dreadful display of zombie football. Lurching from one end of the pitch to the other and never looking once like finding the net. When Mick McCarthy takes Ebanks-Blake off in favour of Keogh, you know he's run out of ideas. Go back to Wolverhampton, boys, and have a bloody good sleep. Relax, put this charade behind you and it's three easy points from Derby on Tuesday night. Dear oh dear...

5th December '08 - And my prediction for the next big High Street name to go to the wall? WH Smith. I went in this afternoon to buy a film magazine. ('Total Film' for preference, though I'd settle for 'Empire', despite the ridiculous reviewer with the Professor Denzil Dexter hairstyle.) Anyway, there I was scanning the racks and there's nothing there. No film mag of any description. Not even the saddoes bible 'SFX', there were simply no movie magazines whatsoever. There were, however, six - SIX - seperate publications dedicated to Land Rover owners. Six. I counted them. Twice. So if you have shares in this company, I suggest you offload them now. Theyre going to go under...

4th December '08 - A friend at work last week urged me to give the new Guns n' Roses album, 'Chinese Democracy' a second chance. "Give it another few plays", she said, "It grows on you." I did. It doesn't.

3rd December '08 - Had a call from my credit card's fraud department this morning. They were expressing concern that a large number of transactions had taken place on my plastic in the last forty-eight hours and I had to answer a number of security questions before my card was 'unlocked'. (I didn't even know they'd barred it). I managed to assure them that, yes, it was me spending like a loon, but that was because of a little thing called 'Christmas shopping'. Still, can't fault them for checking. Ace service and all that, but surely in the current climate they should be glad that people are spending like Prescott in a pie shop, wouldn't you think?

2nd December '08 - This week is my week as God; or 'Duty Officer' as the official title has it. This duty comes round one week every nine and means I'm stuck in the office booking in jobs, chasing up infomation, tidying up the databases and sorting out all sorts of problems and accumulated shit while the rest of the troops get on with the day-to-day work. Normally, Duty Officer week is a ball-ache; it's all early starts, late finishes and a never-ending procession of idiots from a potential pool of forty-odd thousand phoning me up and wanting things done urgently. This week however, it ain't so bad. I've just realised that all the rest of the team are out there in the cold and wet and I'm in a nice warm office with tea and mince pies on the go. I shall be reminding each and every one of them of this fact every time they ring in from now on, preferably with a mouth full of pastry. Merry Christmas!

1st December '08 - Well, here we are again in the run up to Christmas. I've got the beer in. I've got the munchies in. And now, at six o'clock this evening, I realised that all I had left to do was my annual 'let's see if I can order everyone's presents off the internet in under an hour' routine, which I set about as soon as I'd scoffed my dinner. I got it down to forty-seven minutes this year. Including the hand-rolled vanilla cigars which I like to treat myself too once I've finished. Now all I need to do is actually pay for everything...

30th November '08 - Six hours of reality shit last night and more of the bastard same tonight. Why don't they do us all a favour and combine these poxy shows into one and give us some of our prime-time television back? Just imagine; one intense hour of nonebrities ballroom dancing in the jungle while singing karaoke badly and eating earwigs at the same fucking time or whatever it is these nobbers do. Jesus, it comes to something when you can look back at Mr. fucking Blobby as a Golden Age of Saturday night television.

29th November '08 - Wolves 1 Birmingham 1. Nope, I haven't got a problem with that. A very even game between the top two teams and both of them thoroughly deserved the point. We've still got the six point cushion and if both teams carry on putting in thiat sort of effort, it's automatic promotion for both of us. QPR away next. I'm toying with the idea of going, but I don't suppose they've heard of chicken balti pies in Shepherd's Bush...

28th November '08 - I have no idea how much processing power it's going to take to run this when it comes out next February but I have the sneaking suspicion that my PC - as quick as it is - might be found wanting. I think it's time to invest in a new pair of graphics cards and a shit-load of extra RAM. My God, this game looks awesome!

27th November '08 - I occasionally feel a bit guilty downloading copyrighted stuff from those naughty torrent sites, but when the copyright owners simply can't be arsed to put their merchandise on sale, then what alternative do I have? I'd happily pay thirty or forty quid for a DVD box-set of the awesome 'W.K.R.P. In Cincinnatti', one of the greatest American comedies ever, but if CBS can't be arsed to commission a UK transfer, then it's their loss, isn't it? Meanwhile, cheers to the guys at SumoTorrent for another top quality stream!

26th November '08 - I went out at lunchtime today to buy the new Lara Croft game, 'Tomb Raider: Underworld'. I was feeling pleased with myself having finally completed 'Anniversary' late last night and was looking forward to a couple of hours on the new one, which came out last friday. Came out, that is, on every format apart from the PS2. PC, Xbox, PS3, Wii and DS - all get a simultaneous worldwide release. The PS2 version however, won't be out until January because of, Sony say, 'coding issues'. Bollocks. They're simply holding it back over the Christmas period in order to bully gamers into shelling out for a shitty PS3. And yes, they are shit. Sony haven't publicised it, but they took the 60GB versions off the shelves - ones that were retro-compatible - and replaced them with 40GB and 80GB versions, which aren't. So any kid unwrapping one on Christmas morning is going to have a bit of a surprise when he finds out that his seven years worth of PS2 discs are now only good for drinks coasters. Greedy Japanese corporate wankers. I'm off to price up an Xbox on Amazon...

25th November '08 - Sheffield United 1 Wolves 3. How the blinking flip did we win this? Near as I could tell, we only had five clear chances all game. God knows what the possession stats read like, but I'd be surprised if the Blades had less than 70% of it. Still, that's another three points and seven wins on the trot. Oh, and Big Chris Iwelumo is now the top scorer in the division. Amazing! Unfortunately, Birmingham won too and guess who we've got on Saturday? Also, Sheffield helpfully made sure two of our finest were stretchered off as well. Damn, it's going to be a tough one this weekend. We'll either be three or nine points clear by five o'clock...

24th November '08 - What to do? You're forty years of age, still a rocker at heart and yet too old to get away with wearing band logo t-shirts? Don't panic, simply check out the fine range of awesome designer Japanese apparel over at Shiroi Neko and then key in the relevant info on eBay. Smart.

23rd November '08 - Carter USM, Brixton Academy (Although technically, this was last night) Well, I've seen my fair share of gigs at Brixton over the years. Motorhead, Foo Fighters, Ozzy Osbourne - they've all filled the place but I've never, ever seen it rammed like it was for Jim Bob and Fruitbat last night. Jesus, it was ten deep at the inside bars and the queue for the bogs came back into the venue itself! You couldn't have got any more bodies in if you'd pureed them. Why they didn't simply add a second night I'll never know. Still, absolutely awesome gig, though!

22nd November '08 - Wolves 2 Blackpool 0. And for the sixth game in a row, we stick two goals past the opposition. Good job too, because we've got a couple of real bastard games coming up. Sheffield United on Tuesday; a bogey team for us if ever there was one - big, nasty bruisers and a very loud, hostile crowd. Bit like us, really. And Saturday brings Birmingham to Molineux. Oo-er! Not a fun week for the Wanderers. Frankly, I'll take a point from both of these...

20th November '08 - I'm on the final level of 'Tomb Raider: Anniversary', the one with the huge, legless mutant abortion thing that shuffles after Lara and eats her. I've been plugging away at it for half a bloody day. Here's a little message from me to the Crystal Dynamics programmers: you evil, rotten, twisted bastards. Why won't she do what I tell her to, the useless little tart? Why does that big shit-sack keep pushing her off the ledge with his arse just when I've got his sodding energy down to bugger-all? Why? Why? Aargh!

19th November '08 - Yes, I know it's a bit naughty, but I've 'acquired' a promo copy of the new Guns n' Roses album 'Chinese Democracy' and all I can say is...bloody hell. Trust me, I'm no stranger to pompous, overblown production values on rock albums - I'm a Meat Loaf fan after all, but Axl is on another level with this one. Fifteen years he's been tinkering with this. Most of it in the engineering booth by the sound of it. It'll either die on it's arse or be the biggest album of the year depending on the mood of the US rock crowd. Just to give you some idea, imagine if Phil Spector, Jim Steinman and Jeff Lynne had decided to get together to produce a Queen album. And then Freddie decided he wanted to be Lemmy. Yes, really. Ow, my ears.

18th November '08 - According to 'Billboard', the top albums in the US right now are AC/DC's 'Black Ice' and Metallica's 'Death Magnetic'. A quick scan at the other charts reveals the top albums in Europe are AC/DC's 'Black Ice' and Metallica's 'Death Magnetic'. The top albums worldwide are AC/DC's 'Black Ice' and Metallica's 'Death Magnetic'. Know what the top albums in the UK are? Girls Alound and fucking Pink. This, I feel, pretty much sums up the state of this poxy country, don't you think?

17th November '08 - When Madonna married Guy Ritchie and moved to London, she said she wanted to become 'more English'. Well, now she's a single mum with three kids by three different fathers; one of them African. Job done, I'd say.

16th November '08 - Gordon Brown has intimated that 'lessons will be learned' after the murder of Baby P while under the care of Haringey Social Services. Would these be the same lessons that were supposedly 'learned' after the same council allowed Victoria Climbie be murdered in their 'care'?

15th November '08 - Southampton 1 Wolves 2. Remember early last year when I went to Molineux and these guys twatted us six - nil? I do, I paid thirty bleeding quid to watch it. We played a blinder that day and yet we ended up being thoroughly trounced. Today, however, we were dreadful. Absolutely shocking. And yet, we managed to bag another three points. I don't understand this at all...

14th November '08 - After much deliberation, I have decided that you all have my permission to punch anyone you still hear saying the words "double-you double-you double-you dot" when giving out a website address. A few streaming, bloody nasal cavities will sort these pillocks out in no time...

12th November '08 - I forgot to pay my Mastercard bill. Silly of me, I know, but I never use the bloody thing and I'd forgotten I had, but the Russian Mp3 download site doesn't take Visa, so I topped my account up with $10 (£6) using Mastercard and then forgot about it. Know how much the bastards charged me for missing that six quid payment? Twelve pounds. Twice what I owed them. I've paid it, cut the fucking thing up and sent the pieces back to them with a nice letter. People appreciate the personal touch...

11th November '08 - Not many people in Streatham today wearing poppies. Then again, the African continent didn't really have a lot of involvement at Passchendale, did it?

10th November '08 - Now that Obama fever is well in flow, there's call for more black faces everywhere, especially on TV and in the movies. Nothing wrong with that, says I, and the murmurings I've heard of a black Doctor Who (Colin Salmon) and a black Wonder Woman (Beyonce) would be great. Salmon is ace, and if the white middle classes had've woken up to black acting talent a couple of years earlier, this guy could've (and should've) been the new James Bond. He's a brilliant actor and would be awesome in either role (and certainly more expressive than Daniel 'stick-up-arse' Craig!) Beyonce Knowles, bless her, is not a great actress, but Wonder Woman is about filling a stars n' stripes bikini and the girl can certainly do that. What I do have a problem with is the other Hollywood rumour going around about a black actor playing Captain America in a WWII 'origin' movie. Sorry, but no. Not in this instance. Firstly, Captain America is a blond, blue-eyed character and has been since he was created in 1941, and secondly, no-one in a WWII movie would give a black man in red, white and blue spandex the time of day. It simply wouldn't work. Let's hope the new-found hysteria in Hollywood calms down a bit, and, more to the point, let's hope Will Smith doen't get wind of it, beacuse his dreadful cocky mugging would kill the role stone dead.

9th November '08 - Well, it's half ten on a Sunday night, I've just sat through the new 'Sharpe' (so-so) and I'm still waiting for this year's Bonfire Night fireworks to start. There's been absolutely nothing this year in Streatham. Last year was crap, but at least a few of the locals had the occasional back garden blow out. What's going on? Either Health & Safety have killed off all the local displays or the credit cruch has stopped people shelling out for their own pyrotechnics. Or maybe there's simply no English people left in South London anymore...

8th November '08 - Wolves 2 Burnley 0. A tough game against one of the division's battling sides, but another solid performance and another three points (sorry, Les!) The papers are starting to big us up now, although six points clear in November is far from six points clear at the start of May. Don't forget, we were ten points clear when Dave Jones had us back in '02 and frittered that away by the last day of the season, so let's keep things in perspective, eh? Still, nice having a two game cushion!

7th November '08 - Celebratory birthday beer at the huge Wetherspoons on Charing Cross Road (the old 'Marquee', for those of you of a similar age.) I was chuffed to bits to find we were slap-bang in the middle of the Wetherspoons annual Beer Festival, and even more made up to find that there was both St. Austell 'Proper Job' and Banks's 'Winter Ale' on, too! Went to the Intrepid Fox after, but they'd taken the pinball machine out and the beer was...well, there wasn't any. There never has been in the Fox, but I guess that's not the point. Anyway, a couple of Newky Browns and an Old Port or two (rare for me these days!) and that was pretty much my birthday sorted. Hey, who said it had to be exciting? I'm forty now, for fuck's sake!

6th November '08 - My fortieth birthday. According to Derek Nimmo, this is when my life begins. Marvellous, I'll have some of that! I have major plans for this upcoming new life of mine - lose some weight, get fit again, start writing that sit-com/novel and partake in filthy, degrading sex with a PVC clad Jennifer Connelly. I fully intend to get started on at least three of these missions immediately. Anyone know Jennifer's number?

5th November '08 - Time to celebrate the closest the British people have ever come to really letting our politicians know what we think of them. Go out, light a few fireworks and burn an effigy of a Catholic in your back garden. Or a real one, if you're Ian Paisley...

4th November '08 - Well, it looks like the Yanks have finally got what they've always wanted - their very own Tony Blair. Yes, Barack Obama is on course to become President based on a campaign of soundbites and spin, just like old jug-ears did in '97. The only difference is, Blair rolled in during a time of prosperity and plenty and inherited a cast-iron economy. It took Britain almost a decade to see through the useless, lying tool. I doubt the Americans will have that sort of time and patience with Obama. Sarah Palin for 2012, anyone?

3rd November '08 - There's a new PC game at the top of the charts (Mac users, look away now. 'Gaming' is a concept you won't be familiar with, as it requires a combination of things we call 'graphics' and 'processing power'.) Anyway, Fallout 3 is the new king of the hill, a huge, open-ended sandbox game set in a post-apocalyptic landscape. There's so much to explore, one reviewer said: "Never mind Christmas, you'll still be playing this next Christmas!" Given that it comes from the same guys who created the awesome Oblivion, I can well believe him. I'm still playing that almost two years after I bought it!

2nd November '08 - Lazy Sunday. I was supposed to get up early and do some more writing for my NVQ, as the moderator is coming to check my progress on Wednesday, but I decided to roll over and go back to sleep instead. In the spirit of all deadline-locked students everywhere, I'll do it on Tuesday night ready for the following morning. Well, there's no midweek game, is there?

1st November '08 - Cardiff 1 Wolves 2. No idea how we held on to this one. Dave Jones's boys were all over us for the last twenty minutes. Good result, though. With Birmingham not playing until Monday, we're now four points clear on top. Bloody Burnley on Saturday, though. My mate Les will no doubt have his texting finger itching to go if we drop some points here. Git.

Hallowe'en '08 - You wouldn't have known it from the state of Streatham this evening. No Jack O' Lanterns, no trick-or-treaters, no fireworks, nothing. Patently, they don't have Hallowe'en in Somalia.

30th October '08 (Devil's Night) - The time of the year when I stick on my all-time favourite film and wonder if this will be the viewing when I'll no longer be wowed by it. Then again, it hasn't diminished for me in fourteen years, so I don't suppose it will this time. A dark, haunting tale of love, violence and revenge. If you've never seen it, there is a little piece missing from your life...

29th October '08 - Wolves 2 Swansea 1. Ok, so it was last night, but with Birmingham slipping up to QPR, it puts us back on top and makes amends for these Welsh hoops turning us over at their place a few weeks ago. Now if only we can get a win on Saturday against the other Welsh team - third placed Cardiff - we'll start to pull away from the pack and then we'll really be laughing!

28th October '08 - Not that I give a rat's arse, but have you seen the yacht that the Tory Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne, supposedly met that Russian squillionaire aboard? Now I don't know about you, but several images drift across my mind's eye when I hear the word 'yacht' and most of them look like this. However, the vessel in question looks like this. Come on, there has to be a better classification for it than 'yacht'. 'God's Own Massive Sea-Cruising Sex Palace' seems a more apt name to me...

27th October '08 - Still no AC/DC tickets to be had for love nor money. Knackers.

26th October '08 - I've decided to be a bit pedantic about something (most unlike me, I know). You know that model who spells her name 'Agyness Deyn'? Well, I'm going to be pronouncing it like it looks - 'Aggy-ness' from now on. Actually, no. I'm going to call her plain old 'Laura' instead, since that's what she was christened. Or I could simply not refer her at all, despite the fact that the irrelevant bint is in my paper every bloody day...

25th October '08 - Watford 2 Wolves 3. If last week was winning 'ugly', then this game was bloody hideous. We simply shouldn't be going to pieces at the back like this every time the pressure kicks in. I wasn't like that at the start of the season, so why the jitters now? Anyway, it's bloody Swansea again on Tuesday. Come on, boys, payback time!

24th October '08 - No matter how thirsty you are, never attempt to down an ice-cold can of lemon Perrier in one go. I thought my eyeballs were going to explode...

23rd October '08 - Atheist Professor Richard Dawkins has shelled out for an advertising campaign on thirty London buses challenging people's belief in the Almighty. It runs "There's probably no God, so stop worrying and enjoy your life!" Nice one, Dick, but in the spirit of multiculturalism, how about having a couple that replace the name 'God' with the name 'Allah'? Nah, that might be just a teensy bit too controversial, mightn't it, you chicken-shit bastard?

21st October '08 - Silly me! You see, whenever I heard old Gordon Brown wobbling on about 'Prudence' all these years, I naively assumed that he meant it in the terms or 'careful management and economy'. Given the chimp's fist he's made of the economy and the hell-for-leather borrowing he's currently engaged in, it appears I was wrong. 'Prudence' must obviously be a woman. I wonder who she is? Perhaps she's the one who'll knock on the door and repossess Great Britain once this clueless Scotch twat has finished bankrupting it...

20th October '08 - So those poor, easily offended Muslim souls are forcing Sony to withdraw copies of it's new game 'LittleBigPlanet' because the soundtrack contains a song which features two lines from the Koran. And Sony are actually doing it; losing millions of pounds re-editing the game instead of telling these twelfth-century-locked morons to fuck right off, grow up and develop a sense of humour. Why? Why are we constantly pandering to this one aggressive, intolerant 'religion' that has absolutely no desire to coexist peacefully with the rest of the world? Why?

19th October '08 - Gordon Brown has borrowed more money this month than in the whole of the previous eleven years of this failed NuLabour social-engineering experiment. Do you get the feeling he's doing this on purpose? I mean, deliberately bankrupting the country so he can sit sneering at the Tories when he's rotting on the oppsition benches? I believe the Naval term for this is 'scuppering', is it not? Fat Scotch twat.

18th October '08 - Wolves 2 Coventry 0. Blimey, talk about winning ugly! This was like a time-warp. For large portions of the game, I thought I was listening to a match from last year. Things settled down a bit in the second half, but it was still a lot more nervy than it should've been. Still, a win is a win and Birmingham could only draw, which puts us back on top. Just.

17th October '08 - Fucksocks. Stayed up from my Night Shift in order to book tickets online for ACDC next April only to see them all disappear in seconds. I know, just fucking know, that huge swathes of seats will have been bought up by radio stations like Virgin and XFM who've never played a fucking ACDC song in their entire existence and yet will have week-long ACDC giveaways where they'll hand out a pair of tickets every fucking hour to twats who once bought a Bryan Adams single and therefore quite like rock music. There'll be loads given out to corporate wankers, too. These'll be the ones with nobody sitting in them on the night. Bastards bastards bastards.

16th October '08 - Andy is my new best friend. Andy has just come back from Cornwall. Andy brought me some fresh Philp's pasties and St. Austell beer. I *heart* Andy...

15th October '08 - I've just finished watching the first half of Season Four of 'Battlestar Galactica'. Wow. The second half won't begin transmission until January and will run to the end on March, meaning that it won't be on DVD until next May. AARRGH!

14th October '08 - First mince pie of the year scoffed. Come on, Noddy, you're late...

13th October '08 - Joy. Back on the Lates/Nights part of my shift pattern. On the one hand, this is not too bad in that any work that comes in, especially after everyone else has gone home, is likely to be interesting and worthwhile. On the other hand, it's a long old slog from four o'clock to eleven. Still, there's always tea to be drunk...

12th October '08 - I'm always listening out in shops at this time of year to catch the first strains of Noddy Holder. Then I know the Festive Season is truly upon us once more. No Noddy today, but I did get a good old portion of Johnny Mathis in Woolworths, which reminded me of an observation my old mate Big Chris made many moons ago. Next time you hear 'When A Child Is Born', try substituting the title line with the words 'When You're Watching Porn.' Changes the whole perspective of the song and puts a big smile on your face at the same time, which is surely the whole point of Christmas, isn't it?

11th October '08 - Amazed by the offer I got through from Orange today. Apparently, I can upgrade to their new 'Panther' plan and get 1200 free minutes talk time every month. Twelve hundred minutes? That's twenty hours! Almost a whole day every month. I don't think it's possible for a man to speak for a full twenty hours in a month. A woman, yes, no problem, but not a man. In fact, I reckon if you added up everything I've ever said out loud until you had enough to cover twenty hours, we'd be somewhere back in 1997. Actually, that would be a stupendously bad move. Imagine having to do the Tony Blair thing all over again...

10th October '08 - I'm ill again. Snot, hacking cough, runny eyes - the works. There's no way I'm going sick, though. I've just had my sick leave printout from the nice HR people at work, and if I can keep struggling in until the seventeenth, I will have wiped my rolling three-year sickness record clean for the first time in my twenty year career. There's no financial incentive for me to do this, but I will get a warm feeling of smugness from it; partly for being a good trooper, but mostly for infecting everybody else with my germs. Shame there's not a management meeting anytime soon...

9th October '08 - I love the way this banking crisis is proving to be an excellent way of illustrating the solidarity of our wonderful European Union. The moment everything goes tits up, it's everyone for him (or in Germany's case, her) self. Personally, I've never trusted the whole British banking system, which is why all my money is tied up in Scandinavia. Those Icelanders know a thing or two about big business. One of 'em owns West Ham, you know...

7th October '08 - This whole banking collapse scenario. I don't know about you, but I'd have a lot more confidence if our Chancellor of the Exchequer looked a little more like a powerful, statesman-like leader and a little less like Steve Martin's idiot brother...

6th October '08 - My Union wrote to me to day to say that the Management had offered 2.5% as this year's pay award. Given the fact that the Government's own figures show inflation running at 4.7% in real terms, I'm curious as to just whom exactly the Management think will be stupid enough to tick the 'yes' box this time around. Just in case anyone was undecided though, the union helpfully pointed out that the big boys at the top of the organisation had seen their salaries go from £124,863 to £182,000 in five years, a leap of almost 50%, presumably, through saving money by offering us muppets derisory pay settlements. Hmm...can you spell s-t-r-i-k-e?

5th October '08 - Porn king Larry Flynt is in the spotlight for rushing out a hardcore film featuring doubles of Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice. 'Nailin' Payin' (sic) was made for ten thousand dollars and is no doubt exactly the same as every other grot flick ever made, but man, how much is it going to make with this kind of publicity? Check out Variety, AICN, Hollywood Reporter...pretty much any of the U.S. entertainment sites - it's all they're talking about. The guy's going to make a fortune. Shame the girl playing Sarah Palin wasn't clued up enough to negotiate a percentage deal. Then again, if she was that clued up she wouldn't be getting her hoop rattled in cheapo scud movies, would she?

4th October '08 - Swansea 3 Wolves 1. Six goals conceded in two games; two defeats in a week. I guess I ought to be grateful for the international break next week. Hopefully, by the next game, we'll have Big Chris Iwelumo back and that idiot Kightly will be fit again. Still, it could be worse. Losing to Reading is no disgrace (Swansea, however...) At least we're still in the hunt and it's a long way to the end of the season. No more shit defending though, eh, lads?

3rd October '08 - As I had a pocketful of change following a quick pint (or four) after work, I decided to have a flutter on the Euro Lottery. I've just checked the results and I've won £9.10. Unfortunately, I had six goes which cost me £9. My entire life in microcosm, folks...

2nd October '08 - Yes! At long last that useless twat Ian Blair has gone! Reading between the lines, it looks like Boris Johnson has convinced him to jump before he got pushed. Not a moment too soon in my opinion. The people of London are well rid of this politically-correct buffoon. Now the speculation turns to who his replacement will be. Frankly, they could give the job to Gordon the Gopher for all I (and I suspect most of London's coppers) care. You'd get better soundbites out of the puppet, too...

1st October '08 - Those of you who know me are aware of what I do for a living. Those of you who don't know me but pop here regularly have probably guessed. Whether you're one of my mates or have just landed here for the first time, you need to read this. Seriously, if you live in the UK and pay taxes then please, PLEASE, spend a fiver or so on a copy. Open your eyes...

30th September '08 - Wolves 0 Reading 3. Big buggery bollocks. Oh well, it had to end sometime. The worst thing was Jarvis  going off crippled. And the boy Kightly, too. Cock. Make no mistake, this was a reality check. Steve Coppell's lot handed us our arses - in style. Bang goes the three point lead and half of our wonderful new winger set-up. The honeymoon is over, kiddies, it's roll-the-sleeves-up time...

29th September '08 - Those of you with Sky Plus, try this. Next time 'Countdown' comes on, grab hold of your remote control and freeze the programme when Des O'Connor is on screen. Next, adjust the colour and contrast so that Des's flesh tones look natural, then resume play. Hey presto! Des is now a normal bloke hosting a battle of wits between two pasty-faced vampire zombies! Brilliant! That Vorderman woman still looks orange, though....

28th September '08 - If you're missing Harry Potter and looking for the new big thing in children's fantasy (and why not?) could do worse than giving this a go. Or you could just wait 'til the film comes out next month. Hey, it's got Bill Murray in it; I'm there!

27th September '08 - Wolves 2 Bristol City 0. Twenty-two points from a possible twenty-four and the best start for the boys in old gold & black since 1948. I'm loving this, just loving it! After all these years of journeymen, has-beens and wannabes we finally have a killer young team (average age 23) capable of carving through any opposition (or, in Kightly's case, just running around a lot.) There'll be a big game on Tuesday though. Reading, who play pretty much the same way as us and also have four blokes capable of scoring. It's going to be a hell of a battle!

26th September '08 - Joe Kinnear has been appointed as the new manager of Newcastle United. Given the bloke's track record, the Magpies would've been better off with Roy Kinnear and he's been dead for twenty years...

25th September '08 - It's a £100 million 'Superdraw' jackpot on the Euro Lottery this evening. Let's take a bet on who'll win, shall we? I'm saying a Frenchman, but then again it could be a Frenchman or a Frenchman. Or maybe a Belgian. Or a Frenchman.

24th September '08 - George Michael has escaped a custodial sentence - or indeed any sentence whatsoever - after being found in possession of a Class 'A' drug (crack cocaine) whilst looking for rough trade in a public toilet in Hampstead. Apparently, he gave the idiot judge a sob story about how a conviction would render him unable to play an AIDS charity gig in America and the idiot judge let him off. I'd have thought that if George was that concerned about AIDS, he'd be doing all in his power to limit the spread of it, like, say, not having drug-fuelled gay sex with strangers in public toilets...

22nd September '08 - I must be off my head. I have a re-rostered rest day today, meaning I can take it easy and have a lie in, so what do I do? Get up at seven and proceed to spend the day ploughing through a couple of my write-ups for the NVQ in Management that I've so stupidly lumbered myself with. Eleven thousand words I've written today. On a day off. I must be round the bloody twist.

21st September '08 - If I'd known JK Rowling was going to give a million quid to Gordon Brown, I'd've never have bought the Harry Potter series in hardback. It's a good job she chose to do this after finishing Harry's tale, as I for one wouldn't have given a flying fuck what happened to the specky little twat if it meant any more of my hard-earned finding it's way into the clutches of that fat swivel-eyed Scotch tool in Number Ten...

20th September '08 - Preston 1 Wolves 3. Big Chris is back. Big Chris gets a hat-trick. Big Chris gets sent off, along with Wayne Hennessey and the Gaffer himself. Bizarre match, but yet another example of the awesome pace we've got this season with the two wingers dismantling the opposition at every turn. It may be that Iwelumo's red card will be overturned on appeal, but Hennesey's won't be, meaning we face a couple of games without the first choice goalie. Oh well, at least there's a three point cushion at the top now!

19th September '08 - Aarr! Aaarrr!! Today be the day, ye scurvy dogs! AAARRR!

18th September '08 - Well, the new Tomb Raider game is almost finished and the usual pre-release marketing frenzy has started. In keeping with tradition, new game equals new Lara model to do all the promotional stuff. This time however, they've gone for a real gymnast instead of simply scouring the agencies for the nearest big-breasted brunette. Check out what the poor girl has had to do for the job here. Ten years ago, all Nell McAndrew did was stick on a brown wig. Wow, is this gig getting tougher or what?

17th September '08 - It's half past five in the afternoon and I've just woken up. I'm working Nights at the moment and I don't know what planet I'm on. This is because I worked Nights last week too as they were understaffed, meaning I did my Late shift (1400 - 2300) and then carried on for another four hours to help the guys out a bit. I won't be doing that again, I can assure you. Still, the diet's going well. It's hard to eat when you're snoring, isn't it?

16th September '08 - Wolves 2 Crystal Palalce 1. Despite a nineteen second goal from Ebanks-Blake, we still managed to drop into the familiar 'sleep-walk' mode from last season and gift Palace an eqaliser. Happily though, we woke up again and could've had another brace toward the end. Still on fire, still top. We've got 'bogey' team Preston on Saturday, so I'll take a point there. Mind you, I'd have taken a point from either Palace or Charlton before the games, so what do I know? Birmingham are still neck and neck with us, but after the Preston game, we'll have played three of the toughest outfits in the division and they've still got them to come. Is this the year for automatic promotion? Will I finally get some comeback on one of those pre-season bets I've been putting on since 1991? Fingers crossed...

15th September '08 - Ah, the Monday morning post. I'm beginning to feel like a pelican. Everywhere I turn these days there's a fucking great bill in front of me...

13th September '08 - Charlton 1 Wolves 3. It just keeps getting better and better. Despite going one-nil down to an absolute stonker of a volley, we battled back and managed to turn over one of the pre-season favourites for title. At one point the little 'possession meter' on the BBC Sports website had us down as having 68% of the play. Excellent stuff! Roll on Tuesday at Molineux when we get the chance to do the double on the South London contingent. Crystal who?

12th September '08 - Have a look at this. Now with that image in your mind's eye, can you honestly tell me that Billie Piper is the sexiest actress ITV could find for the awful 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'?

11th September '08 - I've been reading a bit more about the Large Hadron Collider that CERN powered up the other morning. Apparently, the real high-speed collision stuff isn't due to take place until October 21st, and even if a microscopic, unstable Black Hole is formed and instantaneously burrows it's way to the Earth's core, we won't know anything about it for four years, at which point a brilliant stream of particles will suddenly erupt from the Indian Ocean into outer space, closely followed by the planet gradually collapsing in on itself and eventually taking the rest of the solar system with it. This should happen, if it's going to, around December 21st 2012, which, by a staggeringly curious coincidence, is the date given in the ancient Mayan calendar as the end of the world. Well, at least we won't have to worry about paying for the aftermath of the next Olympics, will we?

10th September '08 - Croatia 1 England 4. Fuck Setanta and fuck the BBC, who would rather pay Jonathan bastard Woss eighteen million quid for three years 'work' than pony up a better offer than two hundred thousand for us English people to watch the national team. Oh and fuck the FA, too, the fucking bunch of secretary-fucking fuckers, who couldn't be arsed to put some clauses in place to stop this happening. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. (Today's Diary entry was brought to you by the National Tourette's Society.)

9th September '08 - Although it's a perfectly easy mistake to make and totally understandable when one is tired after a hard day's work, can I just point out to the gentlemen present that ladies tend to frown on having milk and sugar absent-mindedly added to their peppermint tea. Sheesh.

8th September '08 - Nngg! A whole month to go until Season Four of the superb new 'Battlestar Galactica' drops through my door. After that, it'll just be a case of waiting for the final ten episodes to air in the New Year and avoiding all movie and tv websites until the last box set comes out. I am not by nature a violent man, but I will joyfully kill anyone who tells me anything about 'Galactica' from now until next April. Be warned!

7th September '08 - How come us Brits are known for our masochistic determination to eat the hottest curry available when we stagger into an Indian restaurant, yet any supermarket curry you buy is generally insipid to the point of insult. I had a hot Chicken Madras from Sainsbury's today. You could tell it was supposed to be hot as it had three little chilli symbols on the box, yet when I actually came to tuck in, I found that Jamie Oliver and I obviously have wildly differing ideas as to what constitutes 'hot'. Mind you, I should've realised. Even the Chicken Korma had one little chilli on the packet and Korma is a dish I technically classify as a dessert. Still, a good splash of Blair's 'Death Rain' sauce soon tickled the Madras up into something more edible. Jamie, you're a poof.

5th September '08 - They've finally knocked down Bushbury Baths in Wolverhampton, the place where I learned to swim and the scene of my famous forty-minute record-breaking score on 'Space Invaders' back in 1980. Bummer. What are the local schoolies going to do now? If it wasn't for the swimming lesson on a Wednesday morning, I reckon half of St. Chad's would've gone without a wash until they started their YTS programmes.

4th September '08 - In six days time, a scientific experiment will take place in Geneva, when a piece of equipment called the Large Hadron Collider will be powered up in an attempt to find out what happened in the very first moments after the Big Bang. 'Yes, Bill, so what?', you're probably thinking and I was too until I read that the machine itself is, how can I put it, somewhat on the large side. Like it's seventeen fucking miles long and the experiment in question could, theoretically, create an artifical black hole that would tear the planet apart. Somewhat worrying, no? However, the boffins at CERN who are in charge of the thing say there is 'little chance' of this happening. Er, I'm sorry, but 'little chance'? I don't know about you, but I for one would need something a tad more robust on the odds front than 'little chance' before I'd hit that button. I mean, there's 'little chance' of winning the National Lottery, but some bastard does every week, don't they? I think I'm going to take the day off a week next Wednesday and have an ale or two. Just in case I find myself waking up on Saturday with my toes in my earhole...

3rd September '08 - The Arab bloke who's just taken over Manchester City is worth a few bob. Old Roman Abramovich at Chelsea is said to be worth eleven billion quid. Impressive, but the bloke with the towel on his swede has got six hundred billion in his back pocket. By contrast, Steve Morgan, the Liverpudlian tycoon who owns Wolves is worth four pound sixty. Bugger.

2nd September '08 - This just takes my breath away. Even looking at the pictures and reading the statistics, I simply can't take in the size of the thing. And then there are all the other headfucks, like a restaurant on the 122nd floor, a swimming pool on the 73rd and the fact that it's 688m tall at the moment, they're adding a floor a week and it's still nowhere near finished. I have simply got to see this before I die. Half a fucking mile of skyscraper! If they'd built it in London, you could see it from Oxford. My brain is having trouble processing this. Unreal.

1st September '08 - There comes a point in every man's career when the drive and fire goes out as he finally realises he can see his retirement peeping over the horizon and waving happily at him. Tony, my boss, has just had this epiphany as we picked up our payslips this morning. "Only another sixteen payslips and I'm out!", was his observation. I did a quick bit of mental arithmatic and told him I'd got another two hundred and sixty-one. The bastard was still smiling after lunch.

31st August '08 - As it's the weekend and I'm not working, I decided to take one of my 'proper' hayfever tablets last night to try and hammer this snot-fest I've been suffering from all week. Big mistake. I've only just rolled out of my pit. I won't disgrace myself by telling you what the time is, but put it this way - a nice bath, a quick read of the new 'Empire', and it'll be time for an early night what with work tomorrow. Bloody Piriteze. They're more relaxing than crack...

30th August '08 - Wolves 5 Nottingham Forest 1. Wow. A masterclass in passing and finishing that left the faithful hoarse from all the cheers of 'Ole!' after every successful pass. Nothing between the teams for the first twenty minutes and then that was it - once Forest had conceded the first goal they were simply danced off the park. Four down at half time and, despite a ten-minute rally at the start of the second, they were never really in it. We are now top of the table with a +5 goal difference. Unheard of! There's a two week gap now for internationals. Not a bad way to go into a break, eh?

29th August '08 - I realise my taste in music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I have to give a nod to the new Slipknot album, 'All Hope is Gone'. Brutal, yet with some surprisingly melodic stretches that almost remind you of early Opeth. It won't sell over here of course, and it certainly won't get any airplay, but if you feel the need to have your ears punished by some superior metal, give it a go...

28th August '08 - As a Wolves fan, I'm no stranger to the 'delights' of dull football, but the way Liverpool played against Standard Liege last night was in a different class. I have never sat through a more bone-crushingly dull game of televised football in my puff. I even had two bottles of Beck's left at the end of the match, as I decided on about the hour mark that I didn't want to waste any more beer on such a turgid display. Awful, awful game. And then the cheeky Scouse chappies go and nick it right at the end in exactly the same way that Wolves don't. If I'd paid to go and see that, I'd've wanted my wedge back. Even the commentator said it was 'torture'. By 'eck, it's grim oop north.

26th August '08 - Rotherham 0 Wolves 0 (AET). Then guess what happened? Yup, penalties. And we all know how great Wolves are at penalties, don't we?. Still, I suppose I should be grateful we slotted three out of five and only completely missed the huge, rectangular target twice. Sadly, Rotherham only missed once and that was the end of this particular cup campaign. I can honestly say though that this was one of the dullest games I've ever listened to in the seven years that live internet matches have been broadcast. Seriously, I can't recall one single decent shot on goal from either team. It's almost as if neither manager fancied the chance of another boring trophy cluttering up the dressing room. Weird.

25th August '08 - My pension update came today. It told me how much I'd get if I left now and how much I'd be retiring on if I carried on earning what I'm earning at the moment. Bloody depressing it was too. I'm going to have to nab some sort of promotion before too long or it's looking like Pot Noodles from the age of sixty-five. Either that or it's time to start kissing some managerial arse. Anyone know how you become a Mason?

24th August '08 - Did anyone catch that programme on Channel Four last night about how the planet would cope if all the humans suddenly disappeared? Fascinating stuff. Ok, so things were a bit grim for the first few years while the rats and the cockroaches had a party, but once nature re-balanced itself (after about fifty years), the planet was lovely. All the cities had turned green, the oceans were clean and full of life and the air quality was as pure as it was before we came along. Wonderful. Now if only someone would invent the time machine and you lot would all fuck off, I'd have a lovely time!

23rd August '08 - Ipswich 0 Wolves 2. Well, that was more like it! Funny, but with Jody Craddock sidelined and Karl Henry donning the captain's armband, the makeshift defence did very nicely, thank-you. I don't know what has happened to the sister-shaggers since our last visit, but this was nowhere near the battle I was expecting. In fact, it was quite a comfortable win in the end. Wolves played with confidence and attitude from the moment the whistle went. Let's have a few more of these, Michael!

21st August '08 - I know I've been knocking the Olympics over the last couple of weeks, but that Usain Bolt is a bit quick, isn't he? Imagine a Jamaican battering both the 100m and 200m times and taking both golds in the process. No offence, but Jamaicans aren't exactly renowned for their 'up and at 'em' approach to life, are they? Perhaps he's had some of these. I had some this evening and I'm fairly sure I could've given him a run for his money, especially if there was a cold beer at the finishing line. Wow!

20th August '08 - I got utterly soaked by Global Warming again today. I hate that this keeps happening. Perhaps I ought to pay some more taxes so that Alistair can fix it?

19th August '08 - As I'm on a couple of Rest Days from the gruelling four-tier shift pattern that I'm forced to work in order to earn a crust in this God-forsaken city, I though today might be a good time to do all my computer updates. All was well until I spotted the alert from Nokia. 'Would you like to update your phone's software?' was how they put it. Perhaps a more accurate pitch would've been 'Would you like us to delete every fucking address, number, game and ringtone in your memory so we can drop a couple of un-eraseable advertising cookies into your phone's brain'? Wankers. Hearty apologies if you call me over the next few weeks and get greeted with 'Hello, who the hell are you?' Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

18th August '08 - In case you heard me this evening, I'd just like to point out that thing that ran over my foot wasn't 'just a spider', alright? And I didn't 'scream like a girl'. It was in fact one of those Martian tripod things from 'War of the Worlds' and I was merely expressing a manly roar of rage combined with a gasp of appreciation at the sheer size of the beast. Or something...

16th August '08 - Wolves 4 Sheff Wed 1. Apart from the usual 'let's have a twenty-minute nap in the first half' syndrome, this was a pretty solid performance form the boys. I will now say, hand on heart, that our midfield and strike-force are as good as anything in the division. The goalie's not bad, either. All we need is a couple of new bods to shore up the back four and we're laughing. We've never got over the loss of Joleon Lescott, frankly, and Jody Craddock, bless him, just isn't up to the job...

15th August '08 - And it's a Happy Fiftieth Birthday to the Queen of Pap - sorry, 'Pop' - herself; the one and only Madonna Louise Ritchie (for the time being) Ciccone, or whatever she's called. It seems like only yesterday that I first heard her debut single 'Borderline' and thought to myself "Now there's a girl who sounds like a sheep on helium, she's got no hope!" How wrong I was! Well done, Madge! You're living, empowering proof to women everywhere that a very little talent can go a very long way in the notoriously fickle music industry - especially if you have sex with your producer. Jelly bean, anyone?

14th August '08 - Has anyone else noticed that all the medals won by Brits so far in the Beijing Olympics have been won by women? Where are our blokes? Apart from the Judo lad from Wolverhampton who went over in a blaze of hype, apparently to have a bit of a cuddle with some foreigners (sorry, but I thought the art of Judo was to overpower one's opponent using their strength against them, rather than simply trying to balance in a starfish shape whilst on top of their prone form), there's not been a squeak from the British men. Puzzling. Still, I managed to catch a few minutes of the Women's Beach Volleyball today. Actually, it was more like an hour and a half. My, doesn't time fly when you're having fun? Although it's amazing how dry your tongue gets when it's hanging outside your mouth for any length of time...

13th August '08 - Wolves 3 Accrington 2. A hard-fought Cup battle for McCarthy's men as they twice came from a goal down against the awesome footballing gods of Accrington fucking Stanley. Every August I stick twenty quid on Wolves being promoted to the Premiership and every March I rip the thing up in a resigned fit of melancholy. Not this season, though! This season I'll be ripping it up in December...

12th August '08 - Despite having worked in the same building for almost twenty years, it still never ceases to amaze me the number of people I work with who simply cannot grasp the concept of the flushing toilet. Time after time, I head for the cubicle only to be confronted by Richard staring up at me from the bowl. Why do people do this? How much effort is it to push the bloody lever and flush? I normally wouldn't post anything as scatological in nature as this, but today was just too much. Both cubicles. Both of them. And not just Richard, pureed Richard. Vile.

11th August '08 - Following on from yesterday's post, I have discovered that the culprits behind 1% milk are Robert Wiseman dairies, currently being run by one Alan Wiseman. Alan is a Scotchman and his company, Wiseman Dairies, were one of a number of dairy companies investigated by the Office of Fair Trading for a £270 million price-fixing scam, which resulted in combined fines of over £116 million. So, a bent Scotchman with iffy business practices. Sounds like a perfect Ministerial candidate to me...

10th August '08 - Variety. Spice of life and all that. Question is, when does too much variety become ridiculous? I reckon it's when they bring in another level of milk, like the one I saw in Tesco this afternoon. Now, there's your full-fat milk with the blue top, your skimmed milk with the red top and your semi-skimmed with the green top, right? They're 4%, 0.1% and 2% fat respectively. So far, so sensible. Something for everyone there, you may feel. Except now there's a new one - 1% fat, which sits there next to the skimmed in an orange top looking faintly embarrassed. Why? Why does this product exist? There's simply no need for it. Only growing kids and idiots drink full fat, while people on a diet (ie, virtually every woman) drink skimmed. This leaves semi-skimmed for everyone else. Who decided that semi-skimmed was just a tad too rich and that skimmed was just a tad too insipid? Who felt that the extra 1% of fat that semi-skimmed offered was unacceptable, but that losing out on a further 0.9% by drinking skimmed simply wasn't on? Who was this person and can we have them killed, please, before they realise their natural calling and gravitate into politics?

9th August '08 - Plymouth 2 Wolves 2. And here we are again; a new football season. My, hasn't the time flown! It's like we've never been away, as, sadly, this performance shows. Same old Wolves. Creative and dangerous going forward, sloppy and inattentive at the back. This game was a microcosmic view of Mick McCarthy's entire tenure so far. Oh well, a point's a point...

8th August '08 - Four pounds. That's how much weight I gained from yesterday's extravaganza. I am now officialy a fat whack. The diet starts now. Well, not now exactly as I'm out again tonight. And tomorrow night. Monday. The diet starts first thing Monday. I intend to be back in my thirty-inch waist Levi's by the time I hit forty, even if I have to saw a leg off to do it.

7th August '08 - The Great British Beer Festival, Earls Court. What can I say? Superb stuff! We'd been planning this one for ages. A top fella named Graham will be retiring this year, so we arranged this one in his honour. Graham t-shirts and Graham masks were the order of the day, which I liberally distributed all around the venue, along with Graham beer-mats and colouring-in Grahams for those taking a break from the drinking. Then the man himself turned up and was feted as royalty for the rest of the evening, with people signing his shirt and him signing theirs. It was a thoroughly enjoyable event. As to the beer, the bad news is that Cain's have gone into administration (no more 'Raisin Ale'? No!), but we managed to find several new favourites, such as Bath Ales' wonderful 'Barnstormer' and Shepherd Neame's 'Canterbury Jack'. For me, the prize went to an American bottled beer which I think was called 'Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout'. I may have misremembered though, as I had two bottles of it and it was 11% (although, to be fair, I didn't realise it was 11% until I was halfway down the second one, by which time it was wa-a-y too late.) Anyway, a positively awesome day out and roll on 2009, which will be the fifteenth year for the boys and girls from work. Who knows, we might even knock up another t-shirt. By the way, the venerable Wangbar took some piccies. Have a look here.

5th August '08 - I'm getting a bit tired of the 'moral majority' having a pop at the new Batman film for being too violent. I couldn't believe the editorial in the Daily Mail today. There they were, banging on about the Joker enjoying killing with a knife 'because it takes his victims longer to die' and a part in the film where a man's eye is 'viciously jabbed out with a pencil'; neither of which statements are factually correct. What the Joker actually says is this: "Do you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savour all the... little... emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?" Far more subtle, and all the more disturbing for it, don't you think? As for the thing with the pencil, it's actually embedded in the table and a goon's head is bounced onto it at high velocity. No eye, no blood; just a pencil upright on a table in one frame and gone the next. So if you're going to express righteous indignation over something, at least do so from a position of credibility, yeah? Like, actually watch the thing you're getting worked up about before you start honking, otherwise you just end up looking really fucking stupid. And for the record, yes, it's violent and yes, I do think it should've been a 15 rather than a 12A, but have a pop at the idiots at the BBFC who classified it as such, rather than the makers of the movie.

4th August '08 - Only three beer days to go now until beer my annual pilgrimage to beer 'The Great British Beer Festival' at Earls beer Court. It's very beer strange, but I don't seem to be feeling my usual beer levels of excitement and beer anticipation this year. Perhaps I'm beer finally beer beer. Beer.

3rd August '08 - By now, you're probably sick of all the hype surrounding the new Batman film, 'The Dark Knight'. You're probably telling yourself it can't possibly be as good as everyone's making out. You'd be right. It's way, way better. Do not wait for this film to come to DVD, get your arse to a cinema and see it on a big screen NOW. IMAX if you can. It's absolutely astonishing!

2nd August '08 - Wolves 4 Blackburn 2 (Friendly). It could easily have been six, too. Against Mr. Ince's full-strength Premiership outfit. Not bad, Mick! More of this for the next forty-six if you please!

1st August '08 - In a fit of misguided nostalgia, I decided to have a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch this morning. It's half eight at night and I'm still tasting the bastards. Unpleasant.

31st July '08 - It's almost Beer Festival time, and last night we picked up the t-shirts that I'd designed especially for the occasion. A very dear friend of ours, Graham, is retiring this year, and as he's a bit of a Real Ale boy, we decided to have this year's visit in his honour. In the strictest secrecy, I knocked up a t-shirt with his face on a la Warhol's 'Marilyn' and stuck some of his best quotes from the last fifteen years on the back. I was hoping we could maintain the surprise until the day itself but, alas, it was not to be. Graham found out about them. However, he is still in the dark about the fifty life-size masks I've made of his face that I'll be handing out to everyone I meet, though. I can't wait to see his face when he turnes up several hours after me only to be confronted with several dozen other Grahams wandering around drinking ale. Awesome!

29th July '08 - Muslim women - warm, isn't it? Still reckon that head-to-toe black burlap is the very thing, do you? It must be awfully oppressive to be so visibly oppressed, especially in this heat. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

28th July '08 - Ralph Fiennes' nephew is playing the young him in the next 'Harry Potter' film. Know what the little tyke's name is? Hero Fiennes-Tiffin. I think old Ralph ought to pop round to his sister's and give her a fucking good smack, don't you?

27th July '08 - What was that I was saying a few days back? Jee-sus, it's hot. After spending five hours out and about on a job this weekend, I currently resemble Mister Sweaty the Happy Beetroot. When you have a cold shower and find yourself, half an hour later after drying off, wetter than you went in, you KNOW it's too hot. I'm going to sit quietly in the fridge and drink some beer...

26th July '08 - As we finally get a taste of Summer, here's a quick tip for you all. If you've been working hard all day and fancy a nice, cold orange ice-lolly once you've finished, have it there and then. Don't stick it in the door-pocket of you van to have when you get underway and then promptly forget about it, 'cos it doesn't half make a fucking mess.

25th July '08 - Old Mick McCarthy usually knows what he's doing, and off-loading Freddy Eastwood to Coventry after he failed to impress was a good move in my book. However, parting with Seyi Olofinjana...I don't know. The guy was a bit special and I hope we don't come to rue that one later on...

24th July '08 - Interesting fact for you. Did you know that an estimated half a million mice live on the London Underground system? Not on the carriages themselves, obviously. I mean, they're far too dirty and unhygienic to subject poor little rodents to. Somebody might complain to the RSPCA....

23rd July '08 - I know it's Summer at long last, but was there really any need for three grown men in my department to turn up for work today wearing 'Crocs'? Deeply sad. Oh well, at least it's the twenty-first century. I suppose I should be grateful they didn't turn up in brown sandals with white socks...

22nd July '08 - The Wildhearts have just released a 'covers' album. It's called 'Stop Us If You've Heard This One Before' and it's fucking stupendous. Go here and have a listen. Then buy it.

20th July '08 - I'm a bit depressed today. I downloaded a 'fun new mobile phone game' this afternoon called 'Dr. Kawashima's Brain Trainer', which, I was assured, would 'train and motivate' my cerebral development in an ongoing routine of mental dexterity. The first thing it did was subject me to a high-speed virtual game of predictive 'stone-paper-scissors' and then tell me I was a complete cabbage with a mental age of seventy-four. Bastard. Dr. Kawashima can go and blow himself, it's back to mobile 'Tetris' for me from now on...

19th July '08 - Fucking hell! What with 'The Dark Knight' next week and this next year, it's just possible that Warner Bros might just get some of the money back that they pissed away on the God-awful 'Speed Racer'. I can't wait!

18th July '08 - Is there an epithet for July? I mean, we had 'Flaming June' and it pretty much was this year (just in time for my holiday - yay!), but I'm hard pushed to think of a soubriquet for this month. 'Grey July' perhaps? 'Cold, Novembery July'? 'The Next Person Who Mentions Global Warming Gets A Smack In The Mouth July'? Hmm...

16th July '08 - Wolves have finally off-loaded that over-hyped, under-achieving donkey Freddy Eastwood to Coventry for a million and a half. You just know he's going to start slotting them in left, right and centre from day one, don't you?

15th July '08 - The last of my Cornish beer supply has gone to the great recycling plant in the sky. Boo! No more Sharp's 'Doom Bar' for a whole year! Poor Fish!

14th July '08 - Well, I'm back. Sorry about that but work will intrude, won't it? Basically, it all went tits-up last Thursday and has only just calmed down again. I am positively snowed under with the sheer volume of work I've generated and if I find myself looking at one more bloody shoemark on a grey London paving slab, I'm going to scream. Well, not really, and only for a few days until I can clear my desk again. Lots of things have been said and written over the last few days about the spiralling knife-crime figures here in this once-great city, with one fatuous prick (possibly a Nu-Labour minister) stating that it could take fifteen years to turn the tide of stabbings as it was all down to disenfranchised youths with no sense of hope for the future. Bollocks. It would take a matter of weeks to end knife crime completely. Simply rush the Death Penalty onto the statute books again. Everybody wants it - apart from those being paid to represent our views, of course.

8th July '08 - And there I was thinking old Gordon Brown didn't have a sense of humour! Fair play to the lad; anyone who can attend a conference on world food shortage, eat an eight course meal (from a choice of nineteen) and still find time to tell us all we could save £8 a week by eating our leftovers is obviously one of the finest comic minds of our generation. I literally coughed my coffee all over the table reading this in the paper today. Not even Spike Milligan's writing did that to me!

7th July '08 - I'm a firm believer in the old adage of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it', which is why I'm a tad disappointed with the new Firefox 3 browser I've just downloaded, because it won't let me enter anything on my own website. At all. I'm here using bloody Internet Explorer, which I despise because it takes an age to upload, and trying to uninstall Firefox 3 and go back to 2.5, which of course it won't let me do. Arse! Why can't they just leave things alone?

6th July '08 - Can anyone explain to me why they're making another 'Terminator' film? And why they've chosen McG, the twat who brought you 'Charlie's Angels', to direct it? And why it's going to be released as a kid-friendly PG-13? Is Hollywood tired of making money all of a sudden or what?

5th July '08 - Ow. I was out last night celebrating the Fourth of July at a very nice pub in Fulham called 'The White Horse' (or 'The Sloaney Pony' to it's regulars.) After several hours of Sierra Nevada 'Torpedo' (at 7.5%) and Rogue 'Smoke Ale' (at 5.9%), it became suddenly apparent that a good walk home would be just the ticket. It was about a mile and a half in my head. Sadly, in reality, it's about five. In steel toe-capped workboots, too. This must be the first time ever that my feet have had a hangover...

3rd July '08 - Although my union days are long behind me, I still keep in touch with the lads on the committee even though I'm now on of 'them' - scumbag management (albeit a very small cog in a ridiculously over-sized machine). Today, I found out what sort of pay-rise proposal they're pitching to the board for next year, given the fact that the last two have been well below the rate of inflation. Now, being the eternal pessimist, it always gladdens my heart to see examples of blind, cheerful optimism in people who genuinely believe they have a chance of finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but come on lads, six and a half per cent? What the hell have you been smoking? I realise the point of initial bargaining is to start out wild and eventually negotiate downwards, but this is silly. You may as well have added 'blowjobs for everyone off Angelina Jolie' to the list; there's as much chance of us getting that as 6.5%!

2nd July '08 - That Andy Murray is a bit of a cock, isn't he? Surely this nasty Scotch racist can't be the best hope we have for underachievement in the tennis this year? Where's 'Tiger' Tim when you need him?

1st July '08 - I'm having pasty withdrawal symptoms. I've now gone three days without a Philp's Premium Steak and already I'm salivating and twitching just thinking about them. Crack addiction has got nothing on this...

30th June '08 - Oh well, back to work, and you have no idea how many e-mails were waiting for me this morning. In fact, it took until lunchtime to get through them all. A significant amount were from the same person; a fellow meaningless middle-management drone, trying desperately to find cover for his under-staffed unit. If I hadn't been on holiday, I could've picked up a truck-load of overtime, but then again, I'd rather have had the pasties...

29th June '08 - I have no idea how I came to be watching the highlights from Glastonbury this evening, but there you go. All I can say is, I've never been the biggest fan of Hip Hop before I saw 'Jay-Z' this evening, but after a performance like that...what can I say? I really hate the shit now. Those ker-razy student types who spent a hundred and eighty quid to be shouted at by an angry black fella really ought to have thought about it beforehand. They could've simply stood around at the bus-stops at the top of Brixton High Road and saved themselves a fortune. Ah well, stick it on the Student Loan and worry about it later...like all through your Thirties.

16th - 28th June '08 - St. Ives, Cornwall - I put up with fifty weeks of shit every year for these two. A marvellous time was had, and for once the weather was glorious. I spent every day out and about, seeing the sights and getting loads of fresh sea air (apart from one day where it was misty and rained non-stop, where I chose to sit in a pub, eating and drinking instead, so it wasn't a complete loss.) Spent a fortune, put on five pounds, and no doubt stuck my cholesterol levels through the stratosphere, but I care not a jot. It was fantastic. Oh well, back to porridge and water for the foreseeable future. Boo! There's a brace of frozen pasties in the freezer and a few bottles of Sharp's Doom Bar squirrelled away for a rainy day, however. I shall enjoy savouring these through the cold, dark winter months. The one downer was finding out that my favourite Cornish beer, St. Austell Cornish Cream, was being discontinued this December, so I had to make sure I got enough down my neck to retain some sort of chemical memory of it. It's a crying shame they're stopping it. It's a gorgeous, creamy sweet version of Guinness and only 3.7% abv - a perfect session stout. Never mind, I'm sure Sharp's Special will fill the gap next year - even though it's 5.3%. Oo-er!

14th June '08 - See you in a fortnight, monkeys! Penzance, here I come!

13th June '08 - This one goes out to my old mate Dave: Now, over the years, I've given those blue-skinned Scotchmen a fair bit of stick here at billythefish.com, but today I discovered a reason to sing their praises. For the fact is, when it comes to after-drinking foodstuffs, they are light-years ahead of us poor, deluded English lightweights with our kebabs. Gentlemen; from Glasgow, I give you the 'Munchy Box'  Wow. I am in awe.

12th June '08 - And here's the reason I'd never buy a sat-nav. The Fishwife decided to 'make life easier' this morning by printing out an AA routemap from the interweb so that I would know exactly how to get from Streatham to St. Ives on Saturday. The version that came back was all about weaving through Wandsworth, taking the A4, then the M4, then the M32, several 'A' roads into Bristol and several 'B' roads out before finally joining the M5 at Avonmouth. Well yes, that's certainly one way of doing it. Or I could simply follow the M4 to the very end where it joins the M5 anyway. Technology, eh? Do you ever get the feeling that the sat-nav manufacturers are in league with the petrol companies?

11th June '08 - Went to the cafe this morning with a mate for a full English breakfast. For some reason, he didn't understand why I didn't want plum tomatoes with mine. So I told him. The reason I didn't want plum tomatoes is that they look like boiled, aborted foetuses and I didn't want them lying there, steaming and bleeding all over my plate. Funnily enough, he ended up leaving most of his after I'd pointed this out...

10th June '08 - Just seen the weather forecast for next week. Rain. It's lovely and hot and sunny at the moment while I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get some sleep after my night shift, but next week, when I'll be in Cornwall, the weather is due to turn 'colder and wetter'. If ever I meet that Joker-faced Welsh weather tart, I'm slapping the cow.

9th June '08 - All over my ISP's homepage are links to their competition site where you can win tickets for this year's Glastonbury. What, you mean it hasn't sold out this time? I find it hard to believe that the students are not positively flocking to pay their £160 for the chance to spend a weekend in a muddy field watching Billy Bragg, Gilbert O' Sullivan and Shakin' Stevens. They've even lined up The Wurzels. I suspect, Mr. Eavis, that you've crossed the fine line between 'post-ironic' and 'taking the piss' this year. How about for 2009 you try something you haven't done for the last three decades or so? Grow some fucking produce on your poxy farm.

7th June '08 - I had a never-ending dream last night that I was on stage with 'Metallica'. James Hetfield had me in a playful, manly head-lock as we belted out songs from '...And Justice For All'. Hours and hours seemed to pass this way. I have absolutely no idea what this dream is supposed to mean, other than I'm to lay off the jalapeno crisps I was eating at half-seven that evening. I can still feel the sweaty heat from old Jim's left tit as his wiry chest hair irritated my cheek. Disturbing. How come I've never dreamed about the lead singer from 'Benedictum' in this way?

6th June '08 - After much scratching of head wondering why my computer's sound card was making 'banging' noises, I decided it probably needed a clean. So out came the can of compressed air and the minivac and off came the side panel. You have no idea just how much accumulated dust and fluff I had lurking there. By the time it was all blasted out and gathered in one place for hoovering, you'd have sworn that Uncle Albert had been living in the back. Runs like a dream now, though. Quiet, too.

5th June '08 - I see Gazza is going the same way as George Best; both as a pathetic public drunk and as an unlikely folk-hero. As he was sectioned for a second time this week, the letters pages in the paper were all full of Get Well Soons and Isn't It Sads from the sort of idiots who'd happily buy the twat a drink if they ever met him. Pathetic. When these 'celebrities' go off the rails publically, then there's a certain amount of sympathy...for a while. The first time is a 'cry for help'. The second time is a 'relapse'. Anything after that is 'taking the piss', which is the stage this Geordie halfwit reached a long time ago. Personally, I think we should just let the sad fucker get on with it, if only so the good people of Newcastle can have a lovely time throwing £1.99 bouquets of flowers from Morrison's at the passing hearse a few months from now. Be a nice day 'oot' for them, won't it?

4th June '08 - This 'Global Warming' thing is a bit on the wet side, isn't it?

3rd June '08 - My last full week of work before the annual fortnight's holiday in Cornwall. I'm on the home run now and it's a lovely feeling. Not long now til pasty and St Austell ale time. Woo hoo!

2nd June '08 - Rumour is that Wolves are about to offload both Freddy Eastwood and Michael Kightly. Can't say I've ever rated either of them, so cash in now, Mick, and splash out good and early! The sooner any Summer signings are in, the sooner they can start gelling into the team. Automatic promotion next year! I'm nothing if not optimistic!

1st June '08 - Dr. Who last evening was a Steven Moffat episode; the first of a two-parter. You remember him; he's the one that wrote 'Blink' last year (the Weeping Angels) and 'Girl In The Fireplace' the year before (Madame de Pompadour) - both being easily the best episodes since the series re-launched. Tonight's Moffat offering had digital ghosts, skeleton spacemen and invisible flesh-eating shadow monsters. Bloody brilliant! I can't wait for next Saturday! It's like being twelve again!

31st May '08 - Flogging Molly, London Astoria. The first time I saw this band four years back, there was about forty people in the joint. This time they'd filled the Astoria to capacity and then some. A fantastic night of jump-around music that I'd recommend to everyone. If you've never heard of them, they're an American/Irish band who fuse traditional Irish music with ska and punk. Not the most accurate description, really, but hey, go here. This is what they're like, only much, much better live. Highlight of the evening for me was when a friend of mine decided to go crowd surfing for the first time because 'you only live once'. When they eventually resurfaced twenty minutes later nursing a rapidly blackening eye and an insane grin, I asked if it'd been worth it. "Oh yes", she replied happily, "But my son will wonder who gave me the shiner!" Her son is twenty-one, and he spent the evening at home watching telly. Kids of today, eh?

30th May '08 - Sorry for not posting for three days, but I've been reading. WH Smith were doing a 'buy one, get one half price' on their paperbacks, so I thought I'd indulge. I've been hearing loads of good things about the Coen brothers' last film 'No Country For Old Men', so I thought I'd check out Cormac McCarthy's novel to see what all the fuss was about. On a whim, I decided to pick up his most recent book 'The Road' as well to pad out the deal, and here I am seventy-two hours later having missed more than one meal. The former is easily one of the best pieces of crime fiction I've ever read, utterly gripping and compelling, with the greatest bad guy since Hannibal Lecter. The latter, however, is something else. 'The Road' is about a man and his young son struggling to survive in the aftermath of a global catastrophe (a supervolcano by the sound of it; it's never specified.) By turns harrowing, uplifting, desolate and moving, this book completely blew me away. By the end, I was crying like a schoolgirl. Ii's been a very long time since I've read anything with this sort of raw power and beauty, no wonder it won the 2007 Pulitzer. If you have a soul and an ounce of imagination, please, read it. It's breathtaking.

27th May '08 - Only seventy-one days to go until The Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court. Not that I'm counting or anything...

26th May '08 - Astounded by the Bank Holiday telly this evening. Apparently, what Britain really needs to showcase it's talent at the next Royal Variety Performance is either a woman with a jumping dog or a fat Sikh dancing to Michael Jackson songs. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

25th May '08 - I feel sorry for Leeds this evening. With the shit season they've had, fighting all the way back from a fifteen point deduction to a play-off final, only to lose to Doncaster must be an absolute pisser. Still, they looked a solid enough team, and I've no doubt they'll be dead-certs for automatic promotion next time. All they seem to be missing is a striker capable of lighting the division up. Hey, maybe we can give them Freddy Eastwood! He might be the biz in Division One. After all, he was shite in the Championship...

24th May '08 - Well, apparently, the new 'Indiana Jones' film is just fine, thank you. All the reviews agree it doesn't capture the magic of 'Raiders...' (few films do), but that it's not the worst in the franchise, which most reviewers point out as 'Last Crusade'. Me, I disagree. The worst 'Indiana Jones' film by far is 'Temple of Doom', which was completely and utterly ruined by that Christ-awful Chinese kid. Any improvement on that has to be a winner.

23rd May '08 - We keep getting told that the nation is in the grip of a binge-drinking epidemic, that hitherto unimagined amounts of alcohol are being consumed by ever-younger members of society, and that, unless we do something right now, our livers will all explode. Or something. This is patently nonsense. Back in Elizabethan times, we as a nation, drank at least ten times the levels of alcohol we do today owing to the hideous state of the water. Drinking ale all day, every day, was the only way to keep hydrated. It never did our ancestors any harm at all, and many people back then used to live to the ripe old age of forty with no problem whatsoever...

22nd May '08 - Cheryl Cole...bless you, darling, but you do actually realise that there's no law that states your fake tan has to match your boyfriend's skin colour, don't you?

20th May '08 - I've just bought a new camera for my holidays. Look. It's the tits, isn't it?

19th May '08 - I'm now at that part of my shift pattern where I only work Monday to Wednesday, as I'm on the weekend once more. It's great doing a three-day week. It's just like being back in the Seventies. All we need now is rampant inflation, shoddy public services and simmering racial tension and the illusion will be complete. Er, hang on...

18th May '08 - I've just been on 'YouTube' watching the scenes of Rangers fans on the rampage after losing their UEFA match in Manchester last week. Unbelievable. We must be the only country in the world to put up with this and the reason, quite simply, is that our police 'management' are a bunch of Left-wing-to-the-bone Social workers, who would rather appease the thugs and scum than allow the hard-working boys in blue to wade in and disperse them. If those repellent drunken Scotchmen had tried pulling this stunt in America, they'd've been breakdancing on the end of a taser wire in ten seconds flat...

17th May '08 - So the Championship play-off final will be contested between those heavywight bastions of footballing prowess, Hull and Bristol City, will it? Neither have any money, neither have any hope. I have a sneaking feeling that whichever one goes up will make Derby's eleven point finish look impressive.

16th May '08 - Here I sit on one of my well-earned Rest Days after a week of Nights. Time, then, to add another bit of inane bollocks to the site and catch up with the emails, which is where I got a bit of a shock. You see, I honestly had no idea how many people out there were concerned about my penis. I've just deleted thirty-seven offers for vacuum enlargers and Viagra knock-offs of varying types. How have I suddenly found myself in this demographic? Where are they getting their information from? For the record, just let me say that getting little Billy up to the mark has never been the problem. Finding somewhere to put him, however, was often the cause of much chagrin in the past...

15th May '08 - It's amazing how mis-hearing just one small word can dramatically alter your perception of a conversation. Two blokes in the office were talking this evening, and one was bemoaning his footwear. Apparently, his sock kept slipping down into his boot and he was forever having to reach down and tug it out again. I thought he said 'cock', which put a whole different spin on things. I was vaguely aware of him looking at me in a 'it wasn't that funny' sort of way, but I was too gone to care...

14th May '08 - Legislation is slowly kicking in to remove certain food colourings from the things we eat. The latest one to be yanked is E143, or 'green' as we know it. They've already removed it from the lime cordial that I'm partial too, but the next casualty is mushy peas and it's fair to say that makers such as Batchelors are not happy. Apparently, they're worried that if our mushy peas are served in their natural khaki/grey state, rather than being the colour of the Incredible Hulk's left one, we might not want to eat them. What a load of drivel. So we only eat things with a vibrant artificial hue, do we? Like mashed potatoes; they're colourful, aren't they? Or minced beef - wow! How vivid are those browns? Bollocks. People don't give a stuff about what colour the food is, it's the taste they appreciate. Anyone who buys food to sit and look at it is an idiot. Stop your whingeing and get it down you.

12th May '08 - I nipped into the oriental supermarket on the Walworth Road yesterday, where I discovered a phenomena known as wasabi-coated peanuts. I opened the tin when I got home and popped one into my mouth. My face exploded. It was so delicious, and so hot, that I literally wept. I popped another one in, and then another. They were as addictive as crack cigarettes and I sat there cramming handful after handful of them into my face as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I've done a bit of searching since and found 'Funky Pepper', an online company that delivers them. Go here and buy a tin before I order the lot. Also on this wondrous site are hot pepper sauces up to a Scoville rating of five million. For comparison, military grade pepper sprays are rated at two million. I think you can therefore appreciate that some of these condiments are what is technically known as 'fucking insane'.

11th May '08 - Going back a few days, I was happily wobbling on about how I thought the new 'Speed Racer' movie looked dreadful and how I was taking great delight in telling the fanboys on AICN that it would be a huge turkey, and boy, did they howl me down. Well, let's examine the evidence, shall we? The first weekend's takings are in and they're...how can I put it...bad. The film cost north of $100 million to make and took around $20 million. Compare this with 'Iron Man', which cost $135 million and took $98 million on opening. Hmm...what we have here folks, is what's known in the trade as a 'flop'. I love it when I'm right! So now I'm off the tell the fanboys 'I told you so' and tune 'em up even more. Wicked, ain't I? Is it as bad as I'm making out? Click here for the first seven minutes of the, ahem, 'story' and see what you think...

10th May '08 - Ooh crikey, it's hot! We've had three glorious long, sunny afternoons on the trot. I hope this doesn't constitute Summer this year. It did this time last year. Everything was gorgeous for three weeks until I got to Cornwall, when it pissed down for a fortnight. Where's this global warming when you need it? Ah, sorry. It's 'on hold' for a decade, isn't it? I forgot.

9th May '08 - I'm absolutely livid that 'TalkSport', my favourite radio station, has sacked the mighty James Whale for telling the listeners of London to vote for Boris Johnson. This is down to new director Moz Dee (and what a trendy, right-on name that is) taking a firm stance against his presenters being overtly politically biased. Right, so you'll be getting rid of George Galloway too then, will you Moz? After all, the 'Respect' party councillor was there again this evening, no doubt peddling his usual left-wing bollocks. Or is it only the right-wing political view you're interested in silencing? Well, that's one long-term listener your station has just lost, and I'm not the only one either from what my mates have been telling me. Way to go, Moz! Sack your most successful 'shock jock' for being controversial. What are you going to do when Galloway starts his next vile anti-Israel rant? Give him a raise, probably. Wanker.

7th May '08 - Well, that's it. 'Is This You?' is finally open and will be featuring my photo captions from now on. A picture is worth a thousand words, so they say, which is how the idea came about. I'm trying to do something along the lines of the 'Have I Got News For You' picture round in order to generate a cheap laugh. Hope you like it...

6th May '08 - Click here for the latest trailer for 'The Dark Knight'. Is it me, or is there a fairly hefty spoiler two thirds of the way in? You know, the Maggie Gyllenhaal thing? I would've thought that such an OMG moment as Joker chucking Batman's childhood sweetheart out of the window would be something that Warner Bros wouldn't want leaked before the movie was released. The fact that it's there makes me wonder just how much of a rollercoaster ride this film will be if they can afford to toss out a killer moment like that in the bloody trailer! Can't wait, kiddies!

5th May '08 - Now that the dust has settled, all that remains to be said is that if Hollywood plans to remake 'Dead Man Walking', they ought to give Gordon Brown a call, as he's doing a sterling impression of one at the moment.

4th May '08 - Wolves 1 Plymouth 0. Like pulling teeth, that was. By the time we'd got the goal we needed to make the last play-off spot, Watford had equalised at Blackpool, meaning we had to stick another two past Plymouth to take Watford on goal difference.We didn't. It could all have been redeemed in injury time though, when Blackpool were awarded a penalty, but they missed it and so it's another season in the Championship for Mick and the lads. Still, next year, we'll...ah, bollocks, I say this every May, don't I?

3rd May '08 - I had a 'moment' today, as the girls went for a bit of a shop, so I took myself off the the multiplex to see 'Iron Man'. I was never really much of an Iron Man or Avengers fan as a kid, being more of an X-Men junkie, but I can honestly say this is pretty much the best superhero film to date. It's got a good story that's well plotted, decent effects, and some top-notch acting, with Robert Downey Jr absolutely nailing the billionaire playboy persona of Tony Stark. Well worth your time and effort seeing on a big screen. If you rated 'Spider Man 2' and 'X2' as the benchmark superhero films then give 'Iron Man' a go. It's even better.

2nd May '08 - I thought the 'Rainbow' clip on last week's 'Have I Got News For You' was funny enough, but the guest presenter this week was Brian Blessed. I have never laughed out loud at this show so much in all the years it's been on. Somebody sign the man up now! Angus who?

1st May '08 - Well, I did my bit. Straight into the Polling Station after work to vote for Boris. I asked the lady in there what the turnout had been like. She said 'unusually high'. Either Ken's supporters are rallying round him in droves here in Streatham or people are turning up to make sure they get rid of the bloke. I wonder which it is...

29th April '08 - It's a 'double rollover' on tomorrow night's Lottery, meaning that someone will win eleven million pounds. This is indeed an impressive sum of money, but does anyone else remember ten years ago when the normal Saturday Lotto jackpot was seven or eight million? This 'jackpot' has gone over twice and it's 'only' eleven million? What's going on? I decided to have a look and, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act 2000, I was able to go here and see that sales for the Lotto are positively roaring. Indeed, for the most part, they're going up year on year. So where is all the money going? Either half the punters are no longer playing (which, if you've ever queued to put your ticket on at any supermarket tobacco counter, you'll know isn't the case), or Camelot are carving themselves an increasingly large slice of the pie. Well, like I said, the relevant information is out there, it just seems to me that Camelot are counting on the fact that we won't go checking because we're too stupid, and for the most part, they're correct in their assumption, aren't they? I mean, they got another bloody fiver off me this morning...

27th April '08 - For those of you who missed it on this week's 'Have I Got News For You', here is a link to the discussion between the three main candidates for London Mayor. Go on, it's hilarious!

26th April '08 - Coventry 1 Wolves 1. You'd think that would've been that, wouldn't you? Except that Crystal Palace lost to Hull, meaning it all goes to the last game next Sunday. We have to beat Plymouth and pray that Blackpool beat Watford or Palace lose against Burnley. Come on, Les - have a word with your lads for us!

25th April '08 - Well, it had to happen, I suppose. The green light has now been given for a new series of 'Blake's 7'. Thankfully, it's being commissioned by Sky, so Russell T. Davis won't be getting anywhere near the thing (meaning there'll be no 'gaying-up' of Avon, for which we can all be eternally grateful.) People tend to remember 'Blake's 7' for all the wrong reasons: cheap sets, dodgy Servalan costumes and appalling special effects. What they forget are the excellent scripts and entertainingly subversive storylines. 'Blake's 7' lent it's influence to so many later series (notably 'Farscape', 'Babylon 5' and, most of all, the rather brilliant 'Firefly'.) For once, I'm all in favour of a 're-imagining'. Done correctly (a la 'Battlestar Galactica'), this could be the tits. They'll have to get the right actor to play the charismatic, sociopathic genius Avon though. Any suggestions?

24th April '08 - Big debate amongst the lads in the office today about whether quirky-looking Hollywood actress Hillary Swank would get a portion or not. I said 'yes', but then again, I'm a sleazy hound. What do you reckon, yes or no?

23rd April '08 - I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to go out and buy 'Grand Theft Auto IV', but look at this. I keep looking at it online and thinking how awesome it's going to be. The Fishwife thinks I should just swallow my pride and go and be ripped off for a PS3 if I want it that much, but I have my principles! Why should I pay in pounds for a 40GB machine what the Septics pay in dollars for a 60GB one? Just because the rest of my countrymen are moronic retards who will queue up to be stolen from doesn't mean I have to follow suit! Shame, it does look a stonking game. I'll give this recession a few more months to bite and then get one cheap when everyone is busy buying food instead.

22nd April '08 - Wolves 3 Cardiff 0. Aw crap. You see, that's what I hate about my team. The moment you write the season off, they decide to display a bit of spirit and prolong the agony. Before today, we were five points behind Crystal Palace with a game in hand and facing Dave Jones's side; who normally give us a good seeing-to. Now, we're only two points adrift and praying that we win against Coventry and Plymouth while Palace mess up against one of their last two. Too stressful, Mick! Oh well, at least he's built the team for next season. If we're not up this year, we surely will be next. And yes, I remember saying this last year. And the one before that...

21st April '08 - I see John Prescott was as successful a Bulimic as he was a Home Secretary. He obviously had no problem getting the pies on board, it was the sticking the fingers down the throat bit he had diffuculty with. Anyway, cynic that I am, when Nu-Labour drops one of these out-of-the-blue, WTF stories on us, I tend to look around for the other news being buried. Either this was simply a shameful plug for the fat whack's autobiography or a blatant smokescreen to cover the fact that fifty billion pounds of taxpayer's money has just been 'loaned' to the City to prop up the wobbly money market. Time will tell...

20th April '08 - Highly irritated by the fact old Gordon is honking on the world stage about Robert Mugabe clinging onto power when the election results appear to show otherwise. At least Mugabe held an election, you swivel-eyed Scotch twat.

19th April '08 - Wolves 1 Ipswich 1. And with a ninety-fourth minute equaliser, the sister-shagging yokels effectively end our season. Five points off the play-offs with only three games left. Oh well, roll on August...

18th April '08 - Oh Lordy. Tom Cruise is apparently gearing up to make his own 'Sci-Fi trilogy' according to Variety magazine. What's the betting it's based on something that fruitcake L.Ron Hubbard devised? Tom, baby, Scientology is a weird cult and nobody likes a weird cult. Sorry, but there it is. I predict if the Cruiser goes ahead with this, he'll do a Michael Jackson and piss all the money and credibility from the last twenty years right up the wall. 'Battlefield Earth', anyone?

16th April '08 - I have found an entertaining and rewarding new sport. It's called 'Rip The Piss Out Of The Sad Fanboys' and anyone can play. All you have to do is go to 'Aint It Cool', the rather excellent geek movie news site here and set up an account. Then, simply jump onto one of the topics, find out what the concensus of opinion is and loudly disagree with it. Pretty soon all the nerds are baying for your blood and typing pages and pages of rhetoric justifying their point of view and belittling yours, even though you really don't give a toss and are only there to tune them up. Marvellous stuff! My favourite at the moment is to loudly and repeatedly slag off the new Wachowski Brothers movie 'Speed Racer', which, to be fair, looks truly dreadful, but to a fervent seventeen year old American kid alone in his bedroom typing himself into a frenzy, it's pretty much the second coming. I simply wait until a dozen or so of the little tykes post a line attributing to it's 'awesomeness' and then on I go, telling them that it looks shit and that it'll be lucky to get it's money back. Hey presto! Instant shriekfest! I love it! There's a Doctor Who page too. Believe me, nothing gets Who fans riled up like telling them you thought Colin Baker was the best Doctor. Go on, give it a go. It's like shooting fish in a barrel...

15th April '08 - Wolves 0 Scum 1. Arse biscuits. One scabby point from two games in hand. I reckon that's about it for this season. I just can't see us pulling back a three point gap from Crystal Palace in the few games we have left, certainly not against the likes of Ipswich and Cardiff. Oh well, Super Mick has now built the side he wanted. Roll on next season and automatic promotion!

14th April '08 - It's apparently Monday evening. Not that I'd know, as I've just woken up after a seven day stint on Nights. I went to bed at eight o'clock this morning and I opened my eyes in bed half an hour back genuinely not knowing who I was, where I was, what time of day it was or whether I had just gotten in or was supposed to be getting out. If this is a taste of early-onset Alzheimers, then Terry Pratchett has my sympathies...

13th April '08 - Things I Lie Awake Worrying About No. 283: Why did they call the movie 'Jurassic Park' when most of the dinosaurs in it are from the Cretaceous Period?

12th April '08 - Bristol City 0 Wolves 0. Right here, right now after this sort of performance against a team who have been at the top or thereabouts of the Championship all season, I am more than happy with a point. We could've come away with all three if the referee hadn't turned down one of the most blatant penalties ever, either. Even the home crowd went silent after that tackle, just waiting for him to point to the spot. Shocking. Still, we are ending this season in fine form and getting better and better each Saturday. Unlike 'Doctor Who'. I have a sad, sneaking suspicion that the shark has finally jumped...

11th April '08 - When was the last time you went 'aargh!' in frustration? When was the last time something utterly pointless drove you up the wall? (Apart from whatever it was that Gordon came out with this week) If the answer is 'ages ago', then you obviously need to try The Impossible Quiz here. Go on, get those neck veins throbbing!

10th April '08 - Is it me or is the Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger slowly turning into Tony Hart? Every time he's interviewed I keep looking for Morph behind his shoulder...

9th April '08 - There was an amusing interview with Rory Bremner in last night's 'Evening Standard'. I love the look that seems to be sitting on the faces of all these media Socialists these days now they're finally seeing all their dreams come true. Anyway, old Rory is just a tad disillusioned with Gordon Brown's performance. He said "It's like having an uncle who's been building something in the shed at the bottom of the garden for ten years...you look through the window and there's nothing there." Rory, sweetheart, the reason why there's nothing there is because the grasping Scottish wanker has spent all his time selling off the entire contents of the shed. Give him another year and he'll have gotten shot of both the shed itself and the land it's built on, too...

8th April '08 - My polling card arrived today. Hooray for Boris! Almost time to get the nasty little Livingstone out. I hope my fellow Londoners will join me. That is, unless they want to have a twenty mile an hour speed limit imposed and a £25 congestion charge.. Then again, knowing some of them, they probably do...

6th April '08 - You idiots pointing at the snow-covered roads and claiming it as proof that climate change is upon us, may I remind you of the date? And also of the old proverb about 'not casting a clout until May is out'? Check the season. It's the beginning of Spring, retards.

7th April '08 - Had to laugh at all the scenes of disorder and mayhem surrounding the world tour of the Olympic flame (an idea first championed by the Nazi party, by the way.) All those sad muppets jogging surrounded by security bods who were in turn surrounded by plod and all of them collapsing in scuffles with little Chinese fellas every twenty yards. Brilliant entertainment! Why though, did nobody think to follow the FA Cup winner's example and simply stick the flame and the celebs on an open-top 'bus? They could've attached a snowplough to the front, too, and then any idiot sitting in front of it would simply be harmlessly swept into the gutter. That would've been hysterical!

5th April '08 - Was it me or was 'Doctor Who' absolutely bollocks tonight? That Tate woman was as cringingly awful as I thought she was going to be. You could see her constantly bumping up against her limited acting ability and dying to drop into her tired old 'shouty catchphrase' act. And to add insult to injury, yet another Russell T. Davies pantomime script. Man, it's going to be a lo-o-ng season...

4th April '08 - My old mate Matt turned up at work today. It's been six years since he left our place and for a brief moment I was tempted to run up to him and tell him that he'd lost some hair and put on shit-loads of weight. And then it occurred to me that if I did, he'd probably tell me the same thing. Sheesh...

2nd April '08 - Re: below. No, it didn't. Theyre obviously going for some deep, deep undercover marketing here and frankly, it's more effort than I can be arsed for. The third 'Dark Knight' trailer may well eventually be a sublime exercise in directorial brilliance but I'm not prepared to piss about solving 'clues' to see it. So, in the spirit of trailer teasing, it's bollocks to 'Batman' - here's 'Hellboy II'. Ooh, we like!

1st April '08 - The viral marketing campaign for 'The Dark Knight' ramped up a notch today when a new website 'appeared' here with packages left at listed locations for the first person who came in and claimed them. Clever stuff. Once it all plays out and the lucky punters get their prizes (Joker-themed bowling balls), the site should give way to the third and final trailer. Very nice marketing, boys. Shame I was in Croydon and not Central London today, I could do with a new fourteen-pounder...

31st March '08 - It's not big and it's not clever, but when you discover a work colleague has just bought the same new phone as you and hasn't a clue how it works, you kind of feel morally obliged to change the language settings to Japanese while he's out of the office. I should've saved this one for tomorrow morning and blamed it on a rogue update 'beamed' from his service provider. Ah well, there's always next year...

29th March '08 - Charlton 2 Wolves 3. Back in a play-off spot for the first time since December and all down to the sheer brilliance of Sylvan Ebanks-Blake, who at £1.5 million is starting to look like the bargain of the decade. Another two great goals; the second of which was a piece of individual skill that would've made Maradona proud. We've still got a tricky run in, but we did promotion the hard way in '93. Could this be a repeat performance?

28th March '08 - Finished the final part of David Gemmell's 'Troy' trilogy. Not bad at all. Shame that there'll be no more long, lazy days of reading courtesy of the great man. Rest in peace, chap, and thanks for the excellent stories over the years. Those of you who've not read any of Gemmell's books, I urge you to go and buy this. It's 'fantasy', yes, but not that 'elves and dragons' bollocks - think 'Sharpe' meets 'Conan'. Awesome stuff!

25th March '08 - Off for a long weekend in sunny Wolver-hamper-ton. Plans include lying in bed reading the last David Gemmell book and...er, that's it. Like I've said before, they're called 'rest' days for a reason. If they were called 'let's traipse round Ikea for four hours poking all the bean-bags' days, then I would happily concur with the wife's way of thinking. As things stand though, it's me and Dave and a cast of thousands, all running round in the privacy of my own head. Marvellous.

24th March '08 - Another Bank Holiday, another rostered shift. Three of us in the office today and the sum total of sod-all going on. The most exciting development of the day was around lunchtime, when the 'Sharpe' re-runs on satellite tv reached the 'Liz Hurley gets her wabs out' episode, for which she was treated to a rousing 'wa-hey!' from a appreciative audience. After that, we went into a bit of a decline and not even the traditional 'who can drink the most tea in a nine hour shift' game could raise much interest. I won, though. Eleven cups. Well, it's a matter of pride with these things...

Easter Sunday '08 - Snow at the end of March? I don't know what odds the bookies would've given me on a white Easter if I'd've splashed a tenner last Summer, but I bet I could've got a bloody good round in with the winnings...

22nd March '08 - Wolves 3 QPR 3. It's a good job I was at work when this was on because if I'd've had to listen to them coming back from behind three times, I'd've probably ended up eating my own head in red-faced frustration. Somehow, this hard-won point led to us climbing two places and still staying one point off a play-off spot. I've never seen the Championship as tight as it is this season. No wonder Mick McCarthy wants to buy an EIGHTH striker. Judging by the state of the defence though, I'd be looking to shell out the wedge back there instead.

21st March '08 - I want one of these. Is this the tits, or what? Gimme!

20th March '08 - Even by the standards of the average working Joe, I'm up early, especially when I'm on what passes for my 'normal' shift. At about quarter past six on these particular weekdays, I'm just rolling into work and it always amazes me to see the market traders already out and about setting up their stalls ready for the East Street market. Now I get up early because I'm being paid a decent screw to do so, but to be awake at this ungodly hour for the chance of a three pence mark-up on a cauliflower simply doesn't do it for me. No wonder there are so many gangsters in the East End. If it was a choice between pushing a barrow down the Walworth Road in the moonlight or a career as an armed blagger, I'd have twelve inches sawn off the Purdey quicker than you could spit. So what if I got banged up? At least it'd be a lie-in.

19th March '08 - My thumbs won't take this. Not only have I got 'Doom' to play on my new Nokia, I've also found the classic 'Carmageddon', too. How good is that? Check out this place if you like playing games on your phone but don't want to be sodomised for £4.50 to get them.

18th March '08 - Wolves 2 Scunthorpe 1. Thank the Lord Harry for that! Things are getting really tight in the Championship right now. Back up into eighth place and only a point off of a play-off spot. I'm nearly forty years of age, I don't need this!

17th March '08 - The new 'Mac Book Air' is being aggressively marketed as the thinnest laptop in the world and...er, that's it. So if you're one of those people for whom style is everything, then fill your boots. Me, I kind of like my laptops to do something other than sit there being thin, like being capable of running a stable operating system, having a decent screen and a graphics card that can handle something more demanding than 'Tetris'. Still, it's your money, so if you fancy shelling out a grand and a half for a computer that will fit into an envelope, then be my guest. At least you'll be able to post the fucker back easily when it breaks down...

15th March '08 - Burnley 1 Wolves 3. Mick McCarthy was forced to make four changes to his side for this match due to illness and injury. The result was probably the most convincing performance they've put together all season. Let's hope he doesn't dick about with things too much for the game on Tuesday night. If we play like this at home, then it's another three points in the bag.

14th March '08 - This is the day when, according to statistics, all those of you who are slaves to the plastic will have just about drawn level with the interest payments on your credit cards. Congratulations! For the rest of the year, you'll theoretically be paying off your actual debt, rather than paying the card company for the privilege of being indebted to them. That is, of course, provided you don't stick anything else on the tab in the meantime. D'oh!

13th March '08 - I've hurt my thumb. This is due to me spending two solid hours playing 'Doom' on my mobile phone. I am a sad, strange little man and I deserve your pity.

12th March '08 - An online poll at one of the American sci-fi channels has voted the Weeping Angels from the Doctor Who episode 'Blink' as the scariest TV monsters ever. Too right! Even now I find myself walking more quickly past statues whilst keeping my eyes on them for as long as possible. Brrr...

11th March '08 - I found an excellent thing on the interweb this morning. Apparently, one of the favourite pastimes of farmers in the American Midwest is to cover a piglet in grease, let it loose and see how long it takes them to wrestle it to a complete state of submission. Fantastic fun, and exactly the thing I'll be asking Jimmy Savile for a go at if ever he resurrects 'Jim'll Fix It'. Only I don't want to grapple with a piglet. I want a naked, oiled-up Alison Goldfrapp to play with. "Dear Jim. Please could you fix it for me..."

9th March '08 - According to an advert on the radio this morning, the Government is now insisting that businesses need to register any migrant workers they employ from outside the EU. Apparently, they are concerned that people may be turning up illegally under the guise of legitimate workers only to disappear under the radar and never be seen again. Obviously, this has worrying ramifications for our national security, so if you'd like some more information, why not pop along to the Government's own website over at www.stable-door.com/pissingintothewind.

8th March '08 - The forthcoming 'Iron Man' movie looks to be worth an hour and a half of your time. Click here for the final trailer.

7th March '08 - Finished all my lovely Rogue beer and also finished 'Prison Break', too. Except I haven't. Because Season One doesn't actually end so much as go straight into Season Two. Arse cakes. That's another thirty quid to shell out...

6th March '08 - Comedy balloon Katie Price (aka Jordan) released her own range of lingerie this week and had half a dozen ladies of all shapes and sizes dressed up in it for a photo-shoot. "Any woman can look great", she trilled. Having seen said pictures of some of the poor, unfortunate creatures all I can say is this: No love, they can't.

5th March '08 - I must say this 'Prison Break' is rather good. I'm about halfway through both it and the crate of 'Dead Guy Ale' as I write this and I'm enjoying both equally. The only problem is going to be when all the DVDs are finished, as I've nothing left in the rainy day cupboard. Looks like it's back to surfing the interweb again. Either that or watching terrestrial telly. No, not watching terrestrial telly. I would rather lick Marmite from a tramp's testes than spend an evening in front of 'Coronation Farm'.

4th March '08 - Wolves 2 Southampton 2. An injury time equaliser for the Saints and Mick McCarthy booed off once more. The attendance was a mere twenty-one thousand and with pperformances like this, it will only continue to drop. Still, on the plus side it'll mean I stand a good chance of getting a chicken balti pie at the Cardiff game...

3rd March '08 - In what must surely be a record for Royal Mail, yesterday morning's order of glorious Rogue beer arrived this afternoon. I've just prised one open and, despite being almost a year out of date, it's still in absolutely perfect condition. (Then again, a case of 6.5% ale kept in brown bottles in a sealed box in a cellar is hardly going to go spectacularly off in twelve months, is it?) So, here's the plan. Get the wrapper of those 'Prison Break' DVDs that Herself (sorry - 'my wife') bought me for Christmas, crack open another Dead Guy (what a great turn of phrase!) and pass the evening in a happy haze. I love this new shift pattern!

2nd March '08 - Well, most of the time an existence in London can be one long monotonous chore, but sometimes, just sometimes, a small shining nugget of gold can be panned from the never-ending tide of effluent that surges past us disguised as 'life'. Take today, for example, when I found this place. I rang them up. 'Chap, are you telling me you're selling Rogue 'Dead Guy Ale' for only 99p a bottle?', I asked. 'Yes' he replied 'It's out of date, so I'm having a clear out. I can do you a case, delivered, for sixteen quid.' Sold, stout yeoman! Several delightful evenings lie ahead for myself and my trusty tankard in the near future, one feels...

1st March '08 - Colchester 0 Wolves 1. Two wins on the bounce now and a mere couple of points off a play-off spot. It's still too early for me to uncross my fingers yet, but Super Mick would appear to have sorted out which of his seven strikers he now prefers to start with. Here's hoping we put a bit of a run together now, just as things are getting a bit wobbly for Watford and The Scum...

29th February '08 - I've no idea if this is a taste of things to come now that I'm married and *respectable*, but this is the first night out with the lads up at Crobar and the Intrepid Fox I've had this year and we're almost a quarter of the way in! Anyway, a good time was had by all happily sinking Budvar and chatting away against a backdrop of Heavy Metal and fishnetted totty; none of whom I was looking at in any way, shape or form. At all. Ever.

28th February '08 - Having just finished Jeremy Clarkson's latest book, I feel I must congratulate his wife for coming up with the best swear word I've heard in ages. By combining two of the more satisfying swear-words, 'c*nt' and 'bastard', she's managed to create the sublime 'custard'. As in 'That Gordon Brown...what a complete custard'. Fantastic, eh? This one's going to get some use...

26th February '08 - After posting record losses for the last twelve months, the video game giant Eidos have announced great things for the next Lara Croft outing, 'Underworld'. There'll be all-new moves and fathfully body-mapped animation fit for the next-gen consoles. Keeley Hawes will once again be voicing Lara, and we're promised a gripping and thought-provoking storyline full of twists and turns. Given that the target audience for Tomb Raider is male and in it's early Twenties, I can't help thinking they're going somewhat over the top here. Simply get the animators to make Lara's tits bounce and they'll shift crate-loads...

25th February '08 - Well, that's me done. All wedded and semi-respectable. The only thing troubling me after three whole days of married life is the fact that I can't stop twiddling my ring (fnarr, fnarr) and I get an uncontrollable urge to speak in a Papa Lazarou voice very time I utter the words 'my wife'. Uh-oh.

14th February '08 - Aah! Valentine's Day, and what better time to lay the news on you good people that the site will be down for the next week or so as I'm off getting married. Yes, Herself still hasn't gone after seventeen years together, so it's time to admit defeat, bite the bullet and get fitted for the old ball and chain. Back on the 24th. Wish me luck!

13th February '08 - Blackpool 0 Wolves 0. In my opinion we were lucky to get nil. Against a team that came up from the second division last season. Not good, is it?

12th February '08 - Following on from yesterday, I got up nice and early to pick up that Special Delivery from the sorting office. There I was, patiently standing in line for half an hour only to find when I got there that the item in question was, in fact, 'out on the van', meaning they were trying to deliver it again. Back home I went, and guess what I found on the mat upon opening the door? Yup, another 'sorry you were out' ticket. Looks like tomorrow morning has become fully booked, too. Nothing like a relaxing couple of Rest days, eh?

11th February '08 - When I finally get round to writing the sitcom I've been toying with for the last three years, I shall be including the events of this morning somewhere in the series. I came in from Night shift at eight a.m. and went to bed, only to be telephoned by no less than three different people from work over the next hour; all of whom thought I was on Earlies. One of them was my own boss. At around half past nine, the plumber came to sort out the leak in the upstairs flat and proceeded to start yanking the floorboards up, at which point I decided to just get up and hang on for an early night instead. I did get some sleep, though. There was a half-hour window when I must've dropped off into a short but blissful slumber in the armchair. I know this because it's apparently when the postman came with the Special Delivery that I've now got to spend tomorrow morning queuing up to claim...

9th February '08 - Another huge Euro-Lottery jackpot and - miraculously - I got four numbers and a lucky star, netting me £198. I was well chuffed with this until I saw that five numbers and a lucky star was £6.5 million. Ooh, so close to an early retirement! What? Wolves? Oh, they lost again, but I only do 'news' here...

8th February '08 - The headline acts at this year's Glastonbury festival have been confirmed as 'Kings of Leon' and 'The Verve'. It's going to take a lot more than that to tempt me into a weekend of camping up to my neck in shit and students. You can start the bidding with 'Unlimited Use of an AK47 with Full Immunity from Prosecution' and 'Sharing a Luxury Tent with the Cruz Sisters' and work up from there...

7th February '08 - With the weekend getting closer, the talk at work has predictably turned to what we'd do if we won the jackpot on Friday's Euro-Lottery. I confess, I found myself forced to change my oft-stated opinion that I'd have Bono shot and emigrate to a non-extradition country. Now, I find that I simply don't care enough anymore about the self-promoting hypocrite to waste any of my winnings on the little prick. I'd still get the hell out of this shithole of a country, though. Japan, I think. It's still civilised over there...

6th February '08 - Lesson For The Day: Don't take any crap from your mobile 'phone service-provider. After the fun and games of returning the crappy 'Windows' phone the other day, I finally found a new Nokia that I fancied and phoned up Orange to order it. They said I could have it, but it would cost me an extra £80. I pointed out that, according to their website, if I was a new customer rather than a 'valued' one, I could have that particular model for free. They confirmed this. I then told them that 'O2' would let me have the phone, keep my number and get extra minutes if I signed up with them instead. I told them this sounded a much better proposition than the one they were offering. I told them 'Good-bye'. They put me through to a 'supervisor'. She said I could have the phone I wanted free, plus the extra minutes, plus a discount on my monthly rate. Funny how threatening to take your money elsewhere can suddenly focus the corporate mind...

5th February '08 - This Friday's Euro-Lottery is an astonishing £95 million. What's the betting a Frenchman wins it? Again.

4th February '08 - Aw, crap. Here we go again. My third week of Lates/Nights in a four week block. Arses, I'm tired. I've also lost all perspective of date and time. Judging by my shift pattern, I reckon by the middle of next week I should have some sort of grip on normality once more. Either that, or I'll be a basket-case like Britney. Apparently, she's been sectioned on grounds of mental instability. Having heard some of her 'music', they should've done that years ago. 'Hit me, baby, one more time?' Ok, love. If you insist...

2nd February '08 - Watford 3 Wolves 0. As I suspected, Aidy ain't stupid. Mick McCarthy however, is. It's worth pointing out that Watford hadn't won for three games before this, so Watford fans will be thanking God for McCarthy's unshakeable faith in his predictably wank Irish contingent. We've got Stoke midweek, who've just annihilated Dave Jones's Cardiff. No pressure, then...

1st February '08 - I found out today that the entire annual human contribution to global warming is about 1/30th of what natural phenomena like volcanoes and cow farts make. Wow. Tax us some more, Gordon. You c*nt.

31st January '08 - Disaster! My last frozen Philps pasty from our 2007 Penzance pilgrimage ruined! Herself decided to defrost it all day before sticking it in on a low heat for two hours as I'd normally do when cooking a frozen one. Result? Armour-plated pastry. Cock. Now I've got a five month pasty-free existence to endure. Life is cruel.

29th January '08 - Wolves 2 Sheffield Wednesday 1 - Two wins on the trot now and up to the dizzying heights of...er, ninth. As is par for the course at most Molineux games this season, the referee might as well have been in an opposition shirt for all the favours he gave them. Still, our first home win since the start of December is not to be sniffed at. Let's hope the corner has been well and truly turned.

28th January '08 - Some dogs have short tails. Some dogs have long tails. And some dogs have those mad tails that sort of shoot up at forty-five degrees and then flatten themselves over their back. They're my favourite. I'd have one of those if I was a dog...

27th January '08 - Herself is sitting slack-jawed in front of 'Strictly Ice Dance Idol Factor' as I type this. Ho-hum. I did try to see the attraction, but after five minutes I lost the will to live. There was one moment that showed a glimmer of promise, though. It was when one of the gay gentlemen flipped his girl upside down so her head was between his knees and her legs were over his shoulders. If only he'd have stopped dancing and followed that move through as a WWF wrestler wouldv'e done. Orange-faced bimbo gets treated to a full-on piledriver straight into the ice face-first. Now that would've been real entertainment!

26th January '08 - Watford 1 Wolves 4. Ok, so it was a cup match and Aidy was resting five of his usual players, but come on! Slotting four past a team in an automatic promotion slot isn't bad for an afternoon's work. Let's hope this gives the lads the confidence to repeat the performance on Saturday when three league points are at stake!

24th January '08 - For some reason that utterly escapes me now I come to look back with the benefit of hindsight, I decided to treat myself to a Cadbury's Creme Egg for the first time in literally years today. Bleurgh! Sweet, aren't they?

23rd January '08 - Heath Ledger dead. Amy Winehouse alive. Could somebody please explain this to me, 'cos I don't get it...

22nd January '08 - If there's one thing I despise, it's pretension. Honestly, c'est tres embarrassant, especially in the kitchen. Ainsley? Worral-Thompson? I'm talking to you. Where has all this 'jus' come from all of a sudden, eh? Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Let's get over ourselves, shall we? It's 'gravy', for fuck's sake. Say it loud, say it proud!

21st January '08 - Nights again, and apart from answering the phone three or four times from 2300 to 0700, I spent the whole time playing 'Tekken 5' on the PlayStaton 2 with the other poor fool rostered as Duty Officer. This is the new system brought in by the Senior Management to improve efficiency, is it? Hey, I'm not complaining. We've got 'Soul Caliber III' lined up for this evening...

20th January '08 - What are Newcastle playing at? Kevin Keegan? Again? Don't they know he'll be out the door the moment he clocks up three or four straight defeats on the trot. If this isn't the triumph of hope over experience, I don't know what is!

19th January '08 - Scunthorpe 0 Wolves 2. Mick McCarthy is now insisting we've turned a corner. Well, that depends, Mick. If you've finally realised that the lack-lustre Irish kids you've been championing all season simply aren't good enough, then yes, we have turned a corner. If you're going to go back to Kightly, Keogh and co., none of whom can hit a cow's arse with a banjo, then it's going to be business as usual with the two Watford games coming up, isn't it?

18th January '08 - Just to let you know, it doesn't matter how much you yell into your PC's microphone or how hard you repeatedly stab the 'on' button with your finger if you've accidentally plugged the microphone jack into the webcam hole. This might also explain why none of my 'Skype' calls have been connected, either. D'oh!

16th January '08 - A couple of days off between three weeks of Lates/Nights and my brain is all over the shop. I've been getting in at midnight and then watching two hours of 'Battlestar Galactica' on DVD, which is by far the best television I've encountered in years, but not really ideal to go to bed on. I'm going to sleep trying to unravel plot strands and then I'm waking up and going to work and wondering if any of my colleagues are Cylon replicas. Or maybe I'm the Cylon replica. Frak me!

14th January '08 - Back to the Samsung thing until the 'paperwork' clears and I can pick another phone. Ho-hum. At least I won't have to give Bill Gates any more wedge.

13th January '08 - Well that was a load of bollocks. I went to the 'Orange' shop and had a look at their upgrades this morning. I had a good fiddle with all the dummy plastic cases and eventually decided on one of their own models with a built in keyboard. Way wrong move. Got the fucker home only to find out it's infected with Microsoft and requires 'Outlook 2007' to run - a snip at only £70. Balls to that! And to add insult to injury, the 'intuitive' menu requires six button pushes to activate the camera. Wow, spontanious candid photography after only nine seconds of fiddling! The fucker goes back tomorrow...

12th January '08 - Wolves 0 Crystal Palace 3. From 'Super Mick McCarthy' to 'You Don't Know What You're Doing!' in three short weeks. Eight games without a win and a play-off spot is starting to look very, very remote. For God's sake man, will you wake up and realise that your Irish lads may be Irish, but they're not very good. The transfer window is open. Dip your hand in your pocket, now! We need strikers, not runners!

10th January '08 - One of those days when I change over from Late shift to Nights, so I thought it would be a good idea to use the time to strip the computer down and open the back for a bit of a dust-blasting and general spring-cleaning. 'It'll only take half an hour', I thought to myself. It did - to disconnect everything. It then took another hour to clean and wipe everything and another hour to put it all back together. Then a further half hour to wonder why I had no sound, pull all the speaker connections out and re-wire them again in the correct holes. I'm knackered now, and I've got to go to work in an hour. 'Taters.

9th January '08 - A red letter day, for it marked the eighteen-month anniversary of me signing the contract for this fucking Samsung mobile. This means I'm now able to ring those nice people at Orange and pick a new one. It's back to Nokia once again, I think. Or maybe their own sexy one with the flip-out keyboard. Anything other than another touch-sensitive one that kills your call the moment it comes in contact with your face. As soon as the new one arrives, this little bastard gets the Joan of Arc treatment...

8th January '08 - Somewhere in the Bible it mentions a camel passing through the eye of a needle. I don't know about camels, but I could cheerfully have passed the entire contents of my lower abdomen through said needle this afternoon. God knows what I've eaten, but not only did it disagree with me, it waited until I went for a wazz, hid behind the door with a couple of it's mates and proceeded to give me a good shoeing. Maybe it's this 'Norovirus' thing that's going around. I hope so, as I have absolutely no intention of going sick while the Senior Management are making themselves so readily available by hovering around the new office. Share and share alike, that's my motto, and to be quite frank, it will make an amusing change for them to spout copius amounts of excrement from the correct end for once in their lives.

7th January '08 - First day back at work, and the - what is laughingly referred to as our 'Senior Management Team' - have come up with a new way of working while I was away. Basically, instead of me, the late shift manager, sitting in the duty office and tasking my five late shift staff, they have decided to turn the little room into a 'Central Operations Office' (coo!) and task everybody in the whole organisation from there. This means I walked in to find three other managers from three other units sitting in a room that had totally altered since the last time I was in it. There were two members of the SMT there, too, followed by a visit later on from their boss; one of the 'Directorate' team (all hail). Instead of the one form for booking in work, there are now three. Instead of one job-number generator, there are two. Plus some stickers. Finally, there is a huge ringbinder outlining all the new protocols, none of which I'd seen before. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, nor who the fuck anyone was. It was like my first day at work all over again and it wasn't pleasant. The only amusing bit was finding out that somebody up high hadn't quite done their homework and hadn't figured out that sixty-odd people would now be ringing in on the same amount of phone-lines as five had done previously. Oh, the fun I had! Oh, the paracetomol I took! And I get to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day, all the way until the middle of February. Shoot me now.

6th January '08 - ...only to wake up at 0500. Why do I do this? My brain is programmed to wake me up fifteen minutes before my alarm regardless of whatever shift I'm on at the time. This week for example, I'm on lates, which is a 1400 start. My brain, however, doesn't give a shit -"Come on! Up you get! You've got to be in for seven!" And on a Sunday, too. Arse.

5th January '08 - Well, that was what is known as a 'slight technical hitch'. Basically, I returned to Shitsville as promised on the 30th only to find that my wireless interweb connection box thingy had given up the ghost. This prompted an interesting twenty minute premium rate conversation to a nice lady in India to request a new one. At the time, I wasn't sure she understood one in three of my words, but she obviously did 'cos a new thingy arrived today and here I am.
   Right, in a nutshell, here's what happened between the last time I posted and now:
   Went back to Wolves, saw The Wildhearts (was too pissed to really enjoy it though, and spent the gig leaning against the wall instead of leaping around like a loon.) Woke up next morning and realised I wasn't pissed, I was ill (as is the norm every time I take a few days leave.) Then spent three days in bed shivering, dribbling snot and watching 'Battlestar Galactica ' (new version) on DVD. (Rather good, actually). Got better, went to Molineux to see Wolves eke out another tedious draw against Leicester. And there were no balti pies again. Yawn. Went to Birmingham and had a few ales in Costers and Scruffy's. A bit more last minute shopping, then home to do nothing but eat and chill out until the trip back on the 30th. Saw the year in with Jools fucking Holland again and wondered how Kylie could be singing 'live' with him when she was in Australia at the time. Watched the fireworks (or was it the start of the Islamic insurrection) outside my window until 01:00, then off to bed...

16th December '07 - Well, that's it from me until the 30th. Unlike last year, I'm not working Christmas, so it's off to Wolverhampton for ale and...well, ale, really. If anyone's got tickets for The Wildhearts tomorrow, Big Wayne and I will be in The Giffard Arms from about half-six, so come and have a brew. Meanwhile, have a stonking time and I'll be back on the 30th. Ciao, peasants!

15th December '07 - QPR 0 Wolves 0. Utter bollocks against the team at the bottom of the table. Simply not good enough, and booed off for the third time in three matches. We're now eighth and the scum are top, which Big Wayne is going to love reminding me about at the Wildhearts gig on Monday. Mick, get rid of Keogh in January when the window opens. Yes, he can run, but that's not much good when you're scared of the ball like his is. Kightly is gun-shy in front of gaol and Eastwood simply hasn't justified the hype. Time for a rethink, Mick. I bet you're regretting knocking the South Korea job on the head now, aren't you?

14th December '07 - I love the noise of certain fireworks. You know that hearty 'Pssffttt!' sound that rockets make as they launch their way skywards. Yep, that's a fine old sound, to be sure. Not, however, when it comes from the back of my laptop. Bollocks.

13th December '07 - It's just occurred to me that, as one of the so-called 'sick-note' culture of Civil Service employees, I haven't had a day off sick all year. I must be ill...

12th December '07 - My brother-in-law, the estimable Homer J. Simpson has found this. He descibes it as being 'fucking gorgeous' which is high praise indeed from an alemeister such as he. I've taken the liberty of ordering a couple of minicasks for the festive season instead of the usual Enville Old Porter, so it had better be good or I'm going to make him drink the whole lot. Actually, that's probably what he's hoping for...

11th December '07 - Had an out-of-hours guided tour round the Tower of London this evening courtesy of a colleague who's a mate of one of the Yeoman Warders (that's 'Beefeaters' to you peasants.) Really spooky wandering round the White Tower in the dark, and kind of trippy thinking of the thousand years of history looming above you. We also saw the Ceremony of the Keys, which has been going on every night for over seven hundred years. Later on, we were guests in the Yeoman's private bar (which was subsidised, too - wa-hey!) All in all, a rather pleasant treat for Christmas. It was nice to finally wander round the Tower without the throngs of tourists.

10th December '07 - Wa-hey! The start of my final week of work this year! After Friday, that's it. Back to Wolverhampton and over to the Enville brewery for the purchase of my Christmas barrel of Enville Old Porter, up to The Civic for The Wildhearts' Christmas gig, over to Birmingham to check out the Bavarian Market with all the lagers and sausages, down to Costermongers for more beer and some catching up with the lads, round Wolvo itself for some last minute shopping and a pint or two in The Giffard Arms, up to Molineux on the Saturday for the Leicester game and finally, chill out on the big day itself. Phew! Time off? I'm going to need a holiday after this...

9th December '07 - It said on the radio this morning that each credit-card holder was carrying an average of £2,600 of debt on their plastic. To those of you in this position heading into the festive season, all I can say is this: Moron.

8th December '07 - Wolves 2 Burnley 3. I must say I'm impressed with 'Domino's'. I tried their online ordering for the first time and barely half an hour later, the girls and I were tucking into a large, hot half-and-half. They had 'Hawaiian', I had 'Spicy Hot' and we all had garlic bread. Fantastic stuff, and we'll be doing this again as a weekend treat. What? The football? Oh that was bollocks.

7th December '07 - Took my team out for a Christmas meal this evening, which we decided to have at 'Porters' in Covent Garden. I'd considered all the options and the idea of a huge steak and Guinness pie with chips and a selection of different real ales won out fairly quickly. After stuffing our faces, we retired to what used to be 'The Griffin'; a dingy little boozer directly outside the entrance to Charing Cross tube station. I say 'used to be', as in the ten years since I was last there it has been tarted up and renamed. I cannot remember what it is called now, though, owing to the scuppering of my carefully laid plans of the mid-Nineties. You see, when I was drinking there last time, I would merrily sup away until they turned up the lights. I would then know it was gone eleven and I would order one for the road before dashing out to catch the last tube south. But the licensing hours have changed now, haven't they? There was no 'lights-up'. It wasn't until I looked at my phone and saw it was Saturday that I realised I had missed the tube. One long walk to the night bus, a twenty-minute wait and a forty minute ride later and it's the wrong side of two o' clock and I'm hungry again and all the kebab shops in Streatham are long closed. Arse. I want it to be 1996 again. It all made sense then...

5th December '07 - It all came together at work today. The training programmes I'd been working on for months were agreed by the big boys, the step-by-step flowcharts I'd made for the new and the forgetful went up on the wall and, to cap it all, the boss shook my hand for a photo and presented me with the Diploma I'd attained last month. Days like these are sweet. It's always nice to put a little hope in your soul. It's always nice to put a little soap in your hole too, but that's another story...

4th December '07 - Barnsley 1 Wolves 0. I don't understand this. We were unbeaten in seven games before this match so what does Super Mick do? He changes three players out of the starting line-up and this is the result. Ok, I know we were 'winning ugly', but who cares? This result dropped us from third to sixth, which is not good enough when things are this tight. Luckily, the scum lost too, which means there are now only two points seperating five teams between second and sixth. It's down to bottle from now on. Have we got it?

3rd December '07 - I saw something that sent a chill down my spine whilst walking around Woolworth's today. Fruit and Nut Toblerone. Jesus, who came up with that idea? A consortium of dentists?

2nd December '07 - I've just found out that Tim Burton's next project (after 'Sweeney Todd') will be his 're-imagining' of 'Alice in Wonderland'. Now there are two trains of thought on this, Tim. If you're thinking about a cosy, jolly 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' style romp with Johnny Depp and your bloody missus in it, then don't bother. On the other hand, if you're thinking of going down the American McGee video game route then, bring it on, baby! A twenty year old Alice in fishnets wielding a kitchen knife; a tattooed and pierced Cheshire Cat; razor-edged playing cards. What's not to like?

1st December '07 - Wolves 1 Preston North End 0. In a sharp contrast to the midweek match, this was end to end stuff played at a hundred miles an hour...for the first twenty minutes. After that, everyone was knackered and it turned into a typical Wolves match. Oh well, Im not going to honk about the lack of finishing when we're up to third now. The rest of the matches this month don't look particularly frightening propositions, either. Barnsley, Burnley, QPR and Leicester. Hmm...an automatic promotion spot would make a lovely Christmas present, wouldn't it?

30th November '07 - A quick search of the international domain registry this morning shows that www.amywinehouseisdead.com can be yours for as little as nine quid. Likewise, you can treat yourself to www.amywinehouseisastiff.com for the same price. The more forward-thinking among you may consider www.amywinehouselegend.com a safer bet. This, too, is still up for grabs at less than fifteen dollars, but why bother with that when you could have www.byebyejunkiebitch.com for the same price? Go on, anticipate a guaranteed future market! That's what entrepreneurism is all about. Jump on the bandwagon while you still can! It's all down to you now, Amy love. Make us all rich!

28th November '07 - Wolves 1 Colchester 0. I really wouldn't've wanted to have spent twenty-nine quid sitting through this load of bollocks. I was bored shitless, waiting for it to end as it was - and I was nice and warm behind my pc in the comfort of my own living room. Anyone freezing their cobs off at Molineux deserves a free balti pie next time in my opinion. Still, another three points is another three points. Fourth now!

27th November '07 - There's a real, full-sized 'Elvira & The Party Monsters' pinball machine on eBay right now. A bargain at only $1,200! This is one of the old-school classics and I had many, many happy hours on one of these in the Giffard Arms back in Wolverhampton at the arse-end of the '80s. I know I could find room for it. We could swap our king-size bed for a single. I'm sure Herself wouldn't mind...

26th November '07 - Got my first Christmas card today, but unfortunately it had to go in the bin on account of it saying 'Season's Greetings'. It was a nice thought, but for the record I only accept ones that have the word 'Christmas' on them. I'm not a Jesus-freak or anything, but our Islamic bretheren are extremely touchy about their 'religion', so I've decided to be the same. It's a Christian holiday, I was baptised a Christian and the festival is called 'Christmas' (the clue's in the first six letters), so any ones you send with 'Happy Christmas' or 'Merry Christmas' on will be lovingly placed on the mantlepiece here at Fish Towers. Any 'Season's Greetings'' or Happy fucking Holidays' are going straight into the recycling bin. I'm not ungrateful...well, yes, I am. Put some thought into it.

25th November '07 - Scum 0 Wolves 0. To be fair, that was about the right result. Both teams went hell for leather and both had decent chances. It says something about the scum's firepower at the moment that this was the first 0-0 draw they've had in 73 games. And Wayne Hennessy saved a penalty, too! Up to fifth spot now...

23rd November '07 - Out walking on Tooting Bec this afternoon when I noticed that the colour of the 'Lightning White Ice Skullfucker' cider that Terry Ramp and his mates were drinking was exactly the same hue as the bottle of de-icer in Herself's motor. Hmm...I wonder what the price difference to alcohol content ratio is? Terry could be selling himself short here...

21st November '07 - Bye bye, McClaren, you clueless tit. To be honest, I'm not the slightest bit fussed about England's exit from Euro 2008. The side are not a collection of professional sportsmen, they're a bunch of 'D-list' nonebrities who are only interested in trousering their £100,000 a week and sorting out the next sponsorship deal. The irony is, the only one playing with any commitment tonight was the only real 'celebrity' there. Kudos to Mr. Beckham, a nod to Mr. Crouch, and the rest of you losers can fuck off...

20th November '07 - If we're all supposed to be cutting down our energy usage to reduce our carbon footprint (and I even managed to type that without the usual cynical smirk), then how come all the shopping complexes and big business premises that I drive past in the wee small hours on Night Shift are all there with every light merrily blazing away with no-one in whatsoever in the building? So, according to this so-called 'Government', I'm supposed to help save the planet by fitting dimmer switches and low-cost(!) bulbs at great personal expense while the Chairmen of Barclays, HSBC and all the other fat cat twats in Canary Wharf can carry on leaving the lights on as they head for the Daimler knowing full well that their office can be seen from fucking Telstar. Bollocks!

19th November '07 - The greatest ever Englishman was Walter Raleigh. Gives Johnny Foreigner a good hiding and brings home chips and fags while he's at it. What a star!

18th November '07 - I'm getting tired of the depressing regularity with which bodies seem to be unearthed from beneath suburban patios up and down the land. Look, if you're going to murder someone and stuff their remains under your conservatory, at least stick a few slabs of limestone on them first. A body encased in limestone will be reduced down to the teeth in about forty days, which is why the Ancient Greeks made their coffins out of it. 'Sarcophagus' - from the Greek meaning 'flesh-eating', right? Honestly, do I have to do everything for you people?

17th November '07 - Many things have the capacity to trouble me in that half-awake dream-like state I find myself in every morning as I sit on the 133 from Streatham to the Elephant. Today's quandary was no exception. As I sat there, quietly slurping a tin of Lucozade, I found myself wondering why the manufacturers bother adding colouring to canned soft drinks like this. Think about it - the default state of most soft drinks is clear, right? It must be, that's why they add the colour. Now if you're drinking it from a tin - and let's face it, most of us are or we'd buy a larger bottle - you can't actually see the liquid, can you? So why bother with all the E-numbers then? My brain went round and round with this one. Must've been all that 'Sunset Yellow' shit...

15th November '07 - Well that's about it for 'Dr. Who' in the Fish household. Following hard on the heels that Catherine Tate has been chosen as the new companion, the BBC announed yesterday that David Tennant will be replaced by John Simm; the woefully undertalented actor from 'Life On Mars' who played the Master at the end of the last series and rendered those particular episodes unwatchable. Well, those are Russell T. Davies' choices, here are mine. New companion - Carey Mulligan (Sally Sparrow from the 'Blink' episode); New Doctor - Richard E. Grant. Whose casting do you prefer?

14th November '07 - You might have guessed by now that few things in life give me greater pleasure than passing on helpful information. Take today for example. I'm on a Rest Day having just finished a spell of Nights, so what better way to pass the afternoon than to pop to the local Wetherspoons and sample the delights of their November beer festival? Cain's Raisin Beer and St. Austell Tribute were on - two of my brother-in-law's particular favourites - so, knowing he was at work, I felt morally obliged to ring him up and tell him. I even offered helpful tasting comments over the phone, such as 'Mmm' and 'Oh yes!', but strangely, he didn't seem very appreciative of the information and kept saying 'bastard' to me. It was probably aimed at his boss, who no doubt resented him getting a personal call. Poor bloke. They're obviously working him too hard...

13th November '07 - It's about this time of the year that I take a look at the credit card and get all depressed about how much I've stuck on it for Christmas. Ok, it's cool that I'm organised enough to get all my shopping done this early, but still a bit af a swine when I realise how little wedge I'll have in January. Which is why, to cheer myself up, I've bought another sword. Remember the 'Highlander' one I bought a few years back? Well now I've got the Kurgan's claymore to go with it. A proper two-handed bastard well over four foot long. Nice. I can use it when the bailiffs come round...

11th November '07 - More flak for Sir Ian Blair and he still won't be a man and resign. Herself asked why our unelected Prime Minister didn't just sack him. I pointed out it could have something to do with the probable contents of Sir Ian's safe; namely the full report into the 'cash for honours' scandal which, in my humble opinion, may be ever so slightly embarrassing were it ever to find it's way to Wapping. Cynical? Moi?

10th November '07 - Wolves 1 Barnsley 0. Wasted chance after wasted chance. No wonder Mick McCarthy stormed off in a huff at the end. Sure, three points are three points, but this game should've been out of sight on the half-hour mark and very nearly ended up being a draw. A bit more ruthlessness is needed from our so-called strikers if they're to get anywhere near the top scorer list this season.

9th November '07 - Remember: two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

8th November '07 - Night shift again. I wonder what treats I've got to look forward to whilst stuck in the office over the next few days? Oh yes, there's '300', 'Sunshine' and the entire first season of 'Battlestar Galactica'. Let's hope the phone doesn't ring and spoil my midnight viewing, then. And the management still maintain that shifts are a more cost-effective option than on-call, do they?

7th November '07 - Southampton 0 Wolves 0. As it turned out, it was more of a dull one than a tough one. Kightly is still gun-shy in front of the net and Freddy Eastwood is looking more and more like an over-hyped waste of cash. Given his recent antics outside an Essex nightclub and the amount of time Mick has kept him on the bench as penance, expect to see him in the shop window when the transfer list opens again next January...

6th November '07 - Ray LaMontagne, Royal Albert Hall. Ok, so it's my birthday, but I'm going to see some hairy busker that Herself likes instead of staying at home eating pizza and drinking ale. What sort of a birthday is that, for the love of God? As it turned out though, old Ray wasn't that bad, even if he did look like one of the cast of 'Dark Star'. Not the sort of thing I'd normally go for, but I've sat through worse and hey, it's a special occasion. My special occasion. So, in the spirit of equality, when Emilie Autumn plays London next April around the time of Herself's birthday, we can both look forward to having one of these birthday 'treats' again, can't we?

5th November '07 - Curious. For the second year running, all is quiet in downtown Streatham. I used to think this was because everyone is too skint to buy fireworks after having their payslips sodomised by Gordon (sorry, 'Alistair') every month. Then I realised that, as the indigenous population of South London these days is mostly Somalian, they've probably got no idea of the whole concept of Guy Fawkes. Still, in the interests of integration, they could at least get into the spirit of thigs. Dig those old firearms out and make a few bangs. Oh wait a minute, they are.

4th November '07 - This is getting silly now. Episode two of 'Half Life 2' is now in the shops and I'm still playing 'Oblivion'. Never mind that I've got 'Tomb Raider: Anniversary', 'Bioshock' and 'Shadow Of The Colossus' still in the cellophane before I get to Gordon Freeman again. I need to have a few months off so I can spend all my time in front of a PC. Either that or get promoted.

3rd November '07 - Wolves 1 Bristol City 1. Alright, so a draw against the team in second spot is never a bad result but come on, Bristol City? Oh well, at least we're still in a play-off spot, and like Mick McCarthy says, the table counts for nothing until after Christmas. Southampton away midweek. That'll be a tough one...

1st November '07 - Right, it's November. Anyone not wearing a poppy is a cheap bastard and ought to be ashamed of themselves. Get your hand in your pocket now.

Hallowe'en '07 - I'm confused. Ok, so this is the night when all the ghosties and ghoulies are supposed to roam the earth, hence all the plastic skeletons and children in witch's outfits. I get that, but where do pumpkins come into it? Who was it who first made the connection between the terrifying prospect of being overwhelmed by hordes of the walking undead and a hollowed-out orange marrow with a candle in and what was he smoking at the time? Can I have some?

30th October '07 (Devil's Night) - Is it that time of year again already? Where does the time go? Well, as soon as I've typed this, I shall be celebrating Devil's Night in the usual manner - by watching my favourite movie on the night it's set, preferably with a bottle of 'Hobgoblin' or two. As routines go, it's fairly inoffensive, but I enjoy it. Next week, I shall be doing it again with a screening of 'another classic, only this time the theme will be "Remember, remember the fifth of November..."  Well, beats 'EastEnders', doesn't it?

29th October '07 - Fern Britton advertising Ryvita makes about as much sense as Cliff Richard flogging Durex. What does she know about Ryvita? You can't fry them last I time looked...

28th October '07 - I wish the rock pubs I go in would stop having Hallowe'en parties. There's only so much teenage female flesh squeezed into basque-and-fishnet ensembles that I should be allowed to be exposed to in one evening. Two hours of this and I'd pretty much perfected my Benny Hill impression whillst simultaneously giving myself a crick in the neck. Shocking. I've got t-shirts older than some of the nymphettes wandering around 'Costermongers' last night.

27th October '07 - Ipswich 3 Wolves 0. Arsecakes. God knows what happened here, but we simply weren't there. Seriously, we didn't show up. At all. Apart from Freddy Eastwood's half-arsed penalty kick, there was absolutely nothing that gave the impression Wolves were remotely interested in getting some points. Result? The sister-shagging yokels ran us off the park. Coming up next - Bristol 'Where The Fuck Did We Get A Football Team From' City, currently in second spot. Deep joy...

26th October '07 - Nine Below Zero / Dr. Feelgood, Robin 2, Bilston. Although I wasn't particularly impressed with Nine Below Zero, Feelgood were something else. Fantastic stuff from the boys again, and I'm definitely a fan now. I'm even more of a fan of this venue. It's great being one of the younger members of a gig crowd for a change. For one thing, I was able to get a bag of scatchings to go with my Newkie Brown, as I was one of the few people in the joint still sporting their own teeth...

25th October '07 - Since I only go back to sunny Wolverhampton every parrot-season these days, I decided not long ago to book first class tickets from now on. The only problem was that today, I'd completely forgotten that they feed and water you when you're no longer in the cattle zone, which saw me getting on with an authentic Cornish pasty the size of a small child and then being presented with complementary gourmet sandwiches, kettle chips, wine and unlimited filter coffee. Two hours of this and they practically had to roll me off the fucker. Splendid stuff. I shall be doing this more often.

24th October '07 - Cardiff 0 Wolves 2. Result! Dave Jones turned over on his home turf. Up into third spot now and a trip to Ipswich on Saturday, where a win should see us into second with any luck. It's all starting to come together nicely now, Mister McCarthy, sir. Carry on.

22nd October '07 - There was a double shooting down the road from me this morning and my street is still cordoned off while the old bill conduct a fingertip search of the Streatham High Road for cartridge cases. I should be shocked. I should be bemoaning the state that the country has come to, but you know what? All I can think of is how lovely and quiet it is at the moment with the roads closed. These little scumbags should play 'OK Corral' with each other a bit more often if this is the result...

20th October '07 - Wolves 2 Charlton 0. Nice. Especially considering I had us down to lose this one. Oh well, I had us down to beat Morecombe in the Cup and look what happened there. It's all swings n' roundabouts, innit? Still, up to fourth place and leapfrogging The Scum. Not bad for an afternoon's work, eh?

19th October '07 - Siouxsie, Astoria 2. Wow. Seriously, just 'wow'. The woman was absolutely fantastic, delivering a set from her awesome first 'solo' album as well as throwing the odd Creatures and Banshees fans the occasional bone, too. From the opener 'Israel' to closing encores of 'Into A Swan' and 'Spellbound', Siouxsie was totally in command and loving every minute of her new career. The band managed to get the Banshee sound spot-on, the crowd were up for it and the sound mixing was the best I've ever heard in this (usually crap) venue. Funny though, Mrs. Fish said something about Siouxsie looking absolutely fantastic in thigh-boots and a basquey/leotard thing. Can't say I noticed...

18th October '07 - I'd already worked out the mathematics of what a draw with Russia would've done to our qualifying chances last night, but I hadn't bothered about considering an England loss. It just never entered my head. Looks a bit shite now though, doesn't it? we have to rely on Israel doing the biz in order for us to qualify from a group we should've walked out of. McClaren, do the decent thing. Fall on your sword. Now.

17th October '07 - Crucial England qualifier against Russia today, but I won't be seeing it unless I feel stupid enough to pay for both the State Imposed TV Tax and Sky, which I simply refuse to do. Quite a few English football fans will be in the same boat too but happily, the ruling classes of this country will get to watch their team, as the Scotland match is being televised instead.

16th October '07 - 'And'. Such a small word, and yet it's absence in everyday conversation is starting to send me over the edge, such as when somebody tells me the year is 'two thousand seven'. Does anyone else get the urge to grab hold of the offending cretin and shake him vigorously while screaming in his face "It's two thousand AND seven, you cock! Two thousand AND seven!" No? That'll just be me then...

15th October '07 - Not so long back, I mentioned that I'd stopped buying a morning paper because all it ever contained was Iraq, crime in the UK, Diana and the McCanns. Today, I relented and bought one for the first time in weeks and it contained...Iraq, crime in the UK, Diana and the McCanns. Just for added nostalgia, it included that bloke that got shot on Stockwell Tube Station, too. I'm all for recycling, but the news? Come on!

14th October '07 - Devil Driver - Islington Academy. Oh dear. All that way to find out the wankers at the Academy had oversold it again. Shuffling - literally shuffling - from the entrance lobby to the bar took us nearly fifteen minutes. Rammed to fuck, no chance of getting more than one overpriced drink (which was Carling in a wobbly glass, natch) and then to top it all, 'Devil Driver' being half-arsed about putting a show on with the result that the support act, 'God Forbid' ended up blowing them off the stage. I'm too old to go all that way for evenings like this. Scratch another sub-standard venue off Billy's list...

12th October '07 - I used to say that as soon as this hulking great telly of ours gives up the ghost, I'd get myself a stonking new forty-two inch Hi-Def widescreen beast with all the bells and whistles. Having just been informed that another series of 'I'm A Nonentity...' is coming this winter, I've changed my mind. When the telly packs up, it's back to the wireless here at Fish Towers. You don't get Ant and Dec on Radio Four...

10th October '07 - You know, I could've sworn I heard somebody speaking English on the bus this morning. Must've been my imagination, surely.

9th October '07 - Part of my job involves the occasional visit to hospital mortuarys in and around London and I never fail to be amazed by the awesome levels of hygiene and cleanliness in these places. What a shame such fastidious attitudes to basic sanitation doesn't apply to other parts of the hospital; such as where the living people are...

8th October '07 - Sob story in the paper today about a woman who won £35 million on the Euro-Lottery and how awful her life has been ever since. Darling, if it's making you that unhappy, three words for you: Give. It. Here. Go on, seriously. I guarantee you wouldn't be able to get the smile off my face with a fucking crowbar. There's no end of these whingeing clowns out there, have you noticed? They win all that wedge and it's like it's the worst thing that ever happened to them. Either that or it gets won by some tool who buys a new coat and carries on going to work in the factory he's been sweating away in, dreaming of a lottery win, for the past thirty years. For fuck's sake, if it isn't going to change your life - if it isn't going to make you happy - if it isn't going to leave you in a position where you wake up every morning thanking the Lord Harry for another beautiful day then DON'T FUCKING PLAY IT AND GIVE THE REST OF US POOR BASTARDS A CHANCE!

6th October '07 - Wolves 1 Coventry 0. Now there was a game to forget, despite the fairytale ninety-third minute winner. The linesmen were blind, Coventry were hacking down anything in a gold shirt and the referee was a wanker who might as well have been wearing sky blue. Still three points are three points and the scum lost, too. Result!

5th October '07 - Oh dear, it's just not going too well for those chaps at Sony, is it? I read today that they're slashing £125 off the PS3 in the UK (bringing it down to what the rest of world is paying for it) and I thought, "Finally, the gloves are off! They've seen what 'Halo 3' has done and they're going for a marketing war! Cool!" Then I read  on. The 'new' PS3 is a stripped-down version (ie - smaller memory and lower spec) and will come without a second controller, memory card or any games. Coupled with the scrapping of their UMD movie format (no-one's buying them) and the rapid cooling-off of Blu-Ray (ditto), I give this company another two years, tops...

4th October '07 - Oh the joys of middle management! Today I got to go on a Risk Assessment course. I get to go again tomorrow, too. My life is now complete.

3rd October '07 - Keep an eye out for the most bizarre culinary treat you've never heard of. Lindt, makers of the divine 85% cocoa dark chocolate have come up with a dark chocolate with cherry liquer and chilli. Yup, chilli. Sounds bizarre, but a couple of squares with a nice glass of Shiraz and we're talking sheer heaven, people. Go on, indulge yourself before Gordon taxes it...

2nd October '07 - Wonky-faced ginger harridan Anne Robinson is to divorce her husband after twenty-seven years. He is apparently being lined up for a £30 million divorce settlement after spending almost three decades of his life waking up next to her. It's not enough.

1st October '07 - Season Six of '24' arrived today. I love Play.com. I love Jack Bauer. Telly on. "Go dark..."

29th September '07 - Plymouth 1 Wolves 1. How we didn't win this, I'll never know. It could - and should - have been 5-0 at half time. Any chance of buying their keeper, Mick? With Murray out, we need another stopper...

28th September '07 - 'Halo 3' has just broken all records in the entertainment world by taking $170 million in it's first twenty-four hours. Now I'm not really a fan of Master Chief (to me the 'Halo' games are like 'Half Life' with more shooting and less thinking), but I can't deny the new one looks the biz and is likely to be far more engrossing than any of the so-called blockbusters at the cinema this year. Ok, so you're shelling out forty quid instead of a tenner, but you'll still be sat there riveted to it twenty hours from now. Can you say the same about 'Spider Man 3' or the last 'Pirates...' movie? Thought not. And when you finally got to the end of Peter Parker's latest (and hopefully last) adventure, could you have taken your ticket into 'Game' and got half your wedge back? Come on, Sony and co. More shit-hot games and less shite films. Our money is there and waiting...

27th September '07 - Downloading all these mods for 'Oblivion', I've discovered one written by a student in Illinois that removes all the bras from the Dunmer and Bosmer females. Wow, topless elf-porn. Jesus, kid, open the curtains and get some sunlight...

26th September '07 - Siouxsie Sioux has divorced Budgie, lost a couple of stone and looks absolutely gorgeous. Wonder if she wants a toy-boy? I mean, twenty years with a skinny blond bloke, she should be crying out for a fat bald fella about now...

25th September '07 - Whoever it was at Mars UK who came up with the idea of adding a re-sealable strip to bags of 'Maltesers' is obviously unaware of the invention of women.

24th September '07 - There was an advert for Army Recruitment on the bus today. It went 'Get Paid. Get Qualified. Get A Career'. Hmm. Seems to me they've left off the last part - 'Get Shot At'. Wonder why...

23rd September '07 - I've had the theme tune to 'Antiques Roadshow' roaring round my head all fucking day. Why? I don't watch the programme. I can't remember the last time I watched the programme. I don't even know if the bloody thing is still being broadcast. Where the hell did this come from? Aargh!

22nd September '07 - Wolves 2 Norwich 0. ...and that's Delia back on the cooking sherry again, no doubt. Fantastic.

21st September '07 - Apologies for the delay, all is not well in Tamriel. My 'Oblivion' game save file crashed, meaning I've had to go back several months in gameplay. Arse. Still, while I was searching the internet for a solution, I came across the concept of 'mods'. Now I never knew this, but some software manufactures actually leave their source-code open so that amateur programmers can have a play with it and create modifications (mods) to improve their games. Cool, eh? So basically, I've spent three days downloading and installing software fixes, new textures, new weapons, new armour, new music and even new missions! 'Oblivion' on my system now runs brilliantly, looks fucking gorgeous and has another three gig of content in it. The downside is, I'll be playing it for a few more months yet. Bummer...

18th September '07 - I was reading a thoroughly absorbing article about Japanese WWII fighter pilots last night. Apparently, the term 'Kamikaze' translates as 'Divine Wind'. Imagine my surprise on finding that, at almost forty years of age, I was still able to snigger like an adolescent on reading a fact like this...

17th September '07 - By my reckoning, I'm about 85-90% through 'Oblivion', which means I should have it completed by the end of the month. Started in April, finished in September. Five months solid entertainment for twenty quid. Awesome. The only problem I'm going to have now is withdrawal symptoms. This game has been more addictive than crack...

16th September '07 - Congratulations to Cat and Sam on their wedding this weekend. Sorry I couldn't make it guys, but I'm halfway through a three week cycle of nights and I no longer know what planet I'm on, let alone what day it is. Best wishes for a long and happy future. Everybody go here and say 'aahh!'

15th September '07 - I don't have any savings in the Northern Rock building society (hell, I don't have any savings!), but if I had, and Alistair Darling told me that there was no need to panic and that the bank was in no danger whatsoever, I'd be queueing right now with the withdrawal slip in my hand. When a Chancellor of the Exchequer tells you there is no need to panic - panic. When the Chancellor of the Exchequer is a Scot personally appointed by the previous Chancellor of the Exchequer; the most devious, lying, thieving Scottish bastard ever to enter Parliament - REALLY panic!

14th September '07 - Five days after the Government issued the all-clear, Foot and Mouth disease is back with a vengeance in Surrey. Hmm...deja moo, one feels.

13th September '07 - Words almost fail me at the news that Led Zeppelin are reforming for a 'one-off' (yeah, right!) gig and that tickets will be a staggering £125 if you get chosen from the ten million applicants that have currently expressed an interest in buying one. I honestly cannot think of any act that I'd pay anywhere near that sort of wedge to see. In fact, the only gigs I'd ever spend more than £40 on would be Janis Joplin in 1968 or perhaps Kate Bush in 1979. Since both of these require the invention of time travel, I reckon the wallet is safe for the foreseeable future. And before you ask, no I wouldn't go and see Kate if she announced a tour tomorrow. There are, as far as I'm concerned, two Kate Bushes. One that existed from 1978 to 1985, whom I still worship and adore, and the other 'reclusive' one that came after, whom I have absolutely no time for.

12th September '07 - England 3 Russia 0. Surreal. I bet Steve McClaren never thought he'd find himself facing the dilemma of having to start Rooney on the bench because Heskey was too influential to drop. Six goals and six points from two games in the last week. Careful boys, we might even qualify from here...

11th September '07 - 9/11 time again, and once more Osama resisted the temptation to mark the occasion with anything other than a gloating video. Still, nice to see he's splashing out some of his millions on the old 'Just For Men' beard formula. Very dapper, old son...

10th September '07 - The title of the new Indiana Jones film has just been confirmed as 'Indiana Jones and the KIngdom of the Crystal Skull'. Wow. Very Damien Hirst.

8th September '07 - Two words for Jonathan Ross - and no, not those two words, I still kinda like the guy - the ones I'm thinking of are 'haircut' and 'shave'. Your midlife crisis is getting painful to watch now, fella. Have a word with yourself...

7th September '07 - Go here. Not only is the lady back from semi-retirement with her first ever solo album, she's also touring as well. Don't bother trying to get tickets for the gigs, though. The Roundhouse sold out in minutes and the special pre-tour warm-up gig she'll be playing at the Astoria was a 'secret ' that you'd have to have been a really devious bunny to find out about before it sold out too. Ahem. Anyone got a carrot?

6th September '07 - Yes it's sad, but is the death of Pavarotti really worth this much airtime? I mean, 'morbidly obese seventy-one year old man dies'. Wow, the shock!

5th September '07 - Well, it's that time in my shift pattern when I find myself back on Nights once more. Now ever since I went back on this pattern back in May, I'm constsntly surprised at how much I'm enjoying Night Duty. It's great - I do eight hours from 11 to 7, during which time I can get anywhere in London from Epsom to Enfield in under an hour. It normally takes me that to do the six miles from home to work. The only downside to working these hours is when I'm in the office and have to man the phones with only terrestrial telly for company. Have you seen the sort of programming they stick on after midnight? The most recent intellectual treat I had was an old episode of Morse. Trust me, after all the inane quiz shows and Judge Judy repeats, it was like a diamond in a sea of turd...

3rd September '07 - Given the ridiculous amount of public interest in the 'celebration' of Diana's death, her sons have used the occasion to plead with the masses to 'let it end here'. I quite agree. I for one never want to see Diana's face or hear her name mentioned ever again as long as I live, and all those weeping idiots with the flowers on the telly over the weekend, ask yourselves this: Do you still remember to take a bunch to Grandma's plot every decade? No, of course you don't. Get over it and get a fucking life you sad media-whores.

2nd September '07 - Isn't it strange that the word 'big' is so small, and yet the word 'microscopic' is so big? Then again, the word 'monumentous' is quite large, while 'tiny' isn't. Dear God, what am I on about?

1st September '07 - Stoke 0 Wolves 0. Good enough. Stoke are a big bunch of bruisers and notoriously tricky on their home turf. I'll take a point from today and be thankful. It was a good match and both teams played well. Pity the Scum won, though...

31st August '07 - Why don't all those shops with a bloke in a little booth outside have the courage to scrap the ambiguity and tell it like it is? Instead of 'phones unlocked' and 'SIM cards £5', simply have a sign that says clearly and distinctly 'I will reconnect that newly stolen Nokia you're holding, no questions asked'?

30th August '07 - The Imperial War Museum is currently running an exhibition entitled 'The History of Camouflage'. I went along today for a look. Fucked if I could find it...

28th August '07 - Some dickwad got hold of Herself's Amazon account details today and in minutes had run up a grand and a half's worth of order. Amazon, being a shit-hot, responsible consumer company, saw absolutely nothing amiss in despatching a load of kit to an address in Bristol when every single purchase the missus has ever made from them has gone to South London. Nor did they question why a woman, whose previous recent purchases were a four quid 'Blue Kangaroo' book and a nine quid 'Milly Molly Mandy' book, suddenly felt the urge to shell out for four top-of-the-range Nokia phones and a big fuck-off plasma telly in the space of ten minutes flat. Jesus, no wonder internet fraud is so high with companies like this trading...

27th August '07 - Word is, we could be getting another Bank Holiday in the next year or two to bring us in line with the rest of Europe. I've always favoured Trafalgar Day myself, but the cheese-eating surrender monkeys will never wear that one, so it looks like the Monday following Remembrance Sunday will be the one they go for. Personally, I don't give a stuff so long as I get an extra day off!

26th August '07 - Whilst on the subject of all things Molineux, there was a piece in the local paper last week about how the goddess that is Siouxsie Sioux is a full-on Wolves fan. Apparently, her and her big brother fell in love with the wolf's head emblem and the old gold and black colour scheme when they were kids, and she's had a soft spot for them ever since. Quite right, too. I mean, there wasn't much around Bromley to get excited about in the Sixties football-wise, was there?

25th August '07 - Wolves 2 Blackpool 1. ...and it was a bloody close thing, as they were all over us for the first hour, too. In the end though, two stonking finishes from Freddy Eastwood sent us into second spot. The South Bank are already calling him the new Bully. A bit too early to call for me yet, but a few more performances like this won't harm his reputation at all. Two away games next, including the Blades. If Freddy can di the biz there, then I'm prepared to succumb to the hype and go and get 'Eastwood' printed on the back of my shirt. Fingers crossed...

24th August '07 - Seen 'em! The year's first advent calenders are in 'Clinton's'.

23rd August '07 - Krrr...Krrr...Hear that? That's the sound of the barrel being well and truly scraped, as Hollywood announces it's latest remake - none other than 'The Wizard of Oz'. Why? I mean, really, why? It's like giving the Mona Lisa another quick coat or two with these people, isn't it? Leave it alone, for fuck's sake!

21st August '07 - Remember last year when I was banging on about Sandi Thom until she became famous and suddenly disappeared? Well, I've gone and found another new female singer/songwriter who absolutely rocks! If you're sick of the big recording companies telling you what's cool then check out the wonderful Remi Nicole here. Good, eh? 'Rock N Roll' is a belter, and 'Go Mr Sunshine' would annihilate anything Lily Allen had in the charts if it were ever released, which it probably won't be. Ah well, your choice. Give Remi a go or simply carry on being force-fed your diet of Amy Declinehouse or whatever else *they* think you should be listening to...

20th August '07 - Since it's physically impossible to get jet-lagged on a flight from Dublin to London, one can only conclude that one is still fucking pissed from the weekend. Ow.

17th -19th August '07 - Samboway's Stag Weekend, Dublin. One word, people...STONEHENGE! Some piccys at Sam's site here if you're interested...

15th August '07 - Apparently, the word 'assassin' derives from a band of highly-feared Middle-Eastern killers of yore, who'd eat a ball of hashish before stealthily disappearing into the night to complete their deadly missions. Funny, but whenever I've dabbled with the weed, a midnight murder rampage has always been the last thing on my mind. A bit of a sit down with a Marillion album and some crisps, however...now you're talking.

13th August '07 - Watching Jeremy Kyle's show always leaves me wondering why it is that people need a licence in order to own a dog, but not to reproduce themselves...

12th August '07 - Anytime I come across somebody being referred to as an 'expert', I immediately lose all interest in whatever it is they're on about. Take today for example. There was an interesting piece in the paper about climate change, but the moment the author was referred to as a 'world-renowned expert', that was it - binned. I guess it all comes back to a definition I heard years ago. An expert is a man outstanding in his field. So is a scarecrow.

11th August '07 - It's been talked about for years, but filming has finally started on the fourth 'Indiana Jones' movie. Now we all love an Indy film, don't we? (Apart from the second one with the annoying Asian kid in - 'Goonies II', as I call it), yet I can't help harbouring just a smidgeon of unease about this new one. Why? Well, for ages an apparently superb script by Frank Darabont ('Shawshank Redemption') was locked down for shooting before it was replaced at the last minute by a new one by David Koepp, the man who brought us 'War Of The Worlds'. Hmm...is that an alarm bell I hear? Ri-i-ing!

9th August '07 - Mmm...beer!

8th August '07 - Just when you think Steve McClaren couldn't get any worse as England 'manager', he's decided that what he really needs to do is prop up his defence for the forthcoming qualifiers. Fair enough, you might say, he's obviously looked at who was on fire in the Premiership last season and rang around, right? So who've we got? Everton's Joleon Lescott? Reading's Nicky Shorey? Nope, it's old Sol Campbell again. Steve obviously going for the 'no substitute for experience' line, there. I don't know why he doesn't follow this tired old cliche to it's ultimate conclusion and get Alan Shearer back. No, better still, Kevin Keegan. Or why not simply dig up Stanley Matthews and stick him in the number seven shirt again? After all, he used to hammer them in back in the day...

7th August '07 - I have decided to make a concerted effort to be more politically correct on this site. That should please all the handicapped and coloured people who drop in, don't you think?

6th August '07 - Tomorrow sees the start of this year's Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court, five days of live music, excellent food and sweet, sweet beer. Come along and broaden your mind, not to mention your waistline. Hawaiian shirts are the theme this year, the louder the better. Get in!

5th August '07 - Where the hell was this weather when I was in Cornwall last month?

4th August '07 - Worryingly, 'Star Trek' is about to get a 're-imagining', courtesy of J.J. Abrams, the man who brought you 'Lost'. Expect lots of character flashbacks over five or six series about how Kirk and Spock interacted with each other's early lives without being aware of it while nothing whatsoever happens in the 'present day' storyline. Jesus, and they scrapped 'Firefly' after half a season?

3rd August '07 - Incompetent terrorist Kafeel Ahmed; the idiot who set himself alight in a failed attempt to blow up Glasgow Airport, has died in hospital of his injuries. Good.

1st August '07 - Woo-hoo! Another AntiProduct gig tomorrow, and only down the road at Croydon, so no late night wandering the streets out of my box spilling kebab entrails everywhere for me. At least, that's the plan...

31st July '07 - There I was at work today when I noticed a product on a shelf entitled 'Kimberley-Clark Professional Performance 320'. Wow! Sounds pretty impressive, huh? Know what it was? Bog-roll. Whoever came up with that one ought to be given some sort of advertising award. Either that or have his caffeine intake monitored very carefully for the rest of his career...

30th July '07 - Much mass hysteria in the news today as a 'monster' Great White shark was spotted a couple of hundred yards off the Cornish coast. Experts put the beast at some twelve feet long.. Monster? The thirty foot one in 'Jaws' was a monster. The twenty foot ones they get in Australia are 'monsters'. Twelve feet is a 'baby'. Get some perspective, you tabloid hacks...

29th July '07 - A fantasy film based on the oldest folk-tale known to man and brought to the screen by Robert Zemeckis? With a Neil Gaiman script and starring Ray Winstone with a whacking great sword? Angelina Jolie as a semi-naked goddess? Sold! Check out 'Beowulf' here. Bring it on...

28th July '07 - I hate to admit it, but I'm well over halfway through 'Oblivion' now. What the hell am I going to do for entertainment when I've finished it? Oh yes, I remember. I bought this, didn't I? Heh heh heh...

26th July '07 - Months ago, as a treat for Herself, I bought tickets for beardy busker Ray LaMontagne's gig at the Royal Albert Hall. Very expensive they were, too. As the months dragged by and nothing more was heard, I began to get a little bit anxious. Unfortunately, my worst fears were justified this morning when, sadly, the tickets finally arrived. Arse.

25th July '07 - Thirty thousand hits! Wa-hey! Thank-you one and all for your continuing supprt of this load of cobblers. Haven't you got anything better to do? I mean, there's loads of free porn out there and everything...

24th July '07 - Looking at the pictures on the news of all of those poor bastards whose homes are under water in and around Oxfordshire and Gloucestershire, I can't help wondering where all the relief helicopters and lorry-loads of Government aid are. If it was any other country other than our own, they'd be lining up to throw our taxpayer's money at the problem, wouldn't they? While all this is going on, David Cameron is away in Rwanda offering pledges of aid for future generations of African children, which probably explains why he's seven points behind in the polls right now to a Scottish bloke that nobody voted for...

23rd July '07 - Have any other parents out there managed to catch BBC's new flagship programme for the under-fives, 'In The Night Garden'?"Hello Iggle Piggle!" "Hello Tombly-Boo!" "Here comes the Ninky-Nonk!" Weird. Either Sir Derek Jacobi is coming seriously unglued or they've thrown a shit-load of money his way...

22nd July '07 - I've watched this four times now. I can't help myself. Woah, momma...

21st July '07 - Went to see 'Die Hard 4.0' (wank title) today and it's a hoot. Not as good as the first one (few action movies are), but easily as good as the third and wa-a-y better than the second. If you don't manage to catch it on the big screen, buy it on DVD. It's one of those you bung on after a couple of beers. Top stuff!

20th July '07 - Word just in from the development team at Bethesda Software, the people behind that bloody 'Oblivion' game that has taken over every minute of my spare time. They have just announced that the next installment will be one of those open-ended online multiplayer jobbies whereby you pay a monthly subscription and stay on as long as you like. That's me on the dole sometime in 2009, then.

19th July '07 - There I was, with ten days left in the month, wondering why on earth I still had some money in my current account. A rarity, this. Usually I'm broker than a broke-dick dog by this stage of proceedings, but no, there it was on the ATM slip, some real honest-to-goodness cash. Then I remembered I've got a dental appointment on Friday. Arse. I'll book the overdraft now, shall I?

17th July '07 - I've just figured out that if Lambeth Council goes over to fortnightly refuse collections, it shouldn't affect the quality of my life too much. You see, they might be gearing up to empty the bins only once every fourteen days, but they haven't realised that I live on a main road, which means that a nice little fella in yellow overalls comes along most mornings with his trolley sweeping the leaves and fag-packets out of the gutter. So from now on whenever the bin gets full, I'm simply going to tip the contents out into the road. Sorted!

15th July '07 - Disaster in Tamriel! My 'Oblivion' game crashed violently this evening while I was rucking with a couple of goblins, meaning that I had to restore to an earlier game-save. Like three weeks earlier. No! All those missions gone! All those Oblivion Gates to be closed all over again! Bastard goblins...

14th July '07 - I still haven't got all that climate change bile out of my system and it's Mad Donna's turn now. Sweetheart, if it's all about reducing one's 'carbon footprint', then perhaps you could do without one of your nine cars, eh? Or one of your six houses? No? How about chopping in one of your three Lear jets, then? Hypocritical bitch.

13th July '07 - After nearly two decades of working in and around the Elephant & Catsle, I'm all for a bit of renovation and renewal, but do all these trendy new flats and offices really have to be painted in assorted pastel shades? It's like a twenty acre psychiatric ward round here now. Oh, wait a minute, I get it...

11th July '07 - David Cameron preaching about the need for marriage and stable family backgrounds? Bit of a lurch to the right from you, isn't it, Dave? Careful now, people might start calling you a Conservative! And while I'm on the subject of offering Phoney Blair some advice; Dave, why not leave the pedal cycle at home and get in the car full of burly security-types following immediatly behind you? They're going your way anyway...

10th July '07 - I've just finished the last bottle of St. Austell Tribute that I brought back from Cornwall. Cock.

9th July '07 - I got accused of being in 'Climate Change Denial' last night after slagging off that poxy concert that all the lentil-eaters went to other day. Er, no. I'm not denying that the climate is changing, love, I'm merely pointing out that it's something the planet does every thirty thousand years or so and turning down your dimmer switch every evening just as ten million Asians stoke up their coal-fires isn't going to make a shred of bleeding difference. If you really want something to worry about, might I suggest the rapidly decaying polar magnetic fields that protect us from most of the more harmful end of the Sun's electromagnetic spectrum? These fields have been diminishing in strength for a century or so, but you don't see this Government preaching about them, do you? Probably because there's nothing taxable in this particular bit of popular alarmism.

8th July '07 - Spoke too soon, didn't I? My Night Shift has gone a bit tits-up owing to there being only two of us on duty out of a team of five. I blame the boss. Which monkey signed those leave-cards, eh? Oh, hang on. That'll be me. D'oh!

6th July '07 - Back on Nights for the first time in four years. I'd almost forgotten how shite the telly can be in the wee small hours. Good job there was sod-all happening and I was able to have a nice nap, wasn't it?

5th July '07 - All the usual wankers are getting geared up for this weekend's 'Live Earth' gigs. Eight concerts in eight citys around the world over a twenty-four hour period to raise awareness for saving the planet. Anyone else out there wondering just how much electricity is going to be required for these gigs? Or how much emissions all the cars, buses and planes that the tens of thousands of wankers travelling to them will be kicking out? Or how much litter they'll generate while they're there? Hypocritical hippy bastards. Still, I too will be doing my bit to save energy while the gig is being shown. I won't be turning my fucking telly on...

4th July '07 - "The bravest animals in the land are Captain Beaky and his band, that's Timid Toad, Reckless Rat, Artful Owl and Batty Bat. They march through the woodland singing songs that tell how they have righted wrongs." Cocky little fuckers.

3rd July '07 - More disastrous 'Dr. Who' news. Old Russell has only gone and signed up the woefully unfunny Catherine Tate as the next assistant. There isn't enough room on this site to tell you how Christ-awful a decision this was, especially when Carey Mulligan (Sally Sparrow from the 'Blink' episode) was such a natural for the role. I can only say that, apart from tuning in for any Steven Moffat episodes, I shall not be watching next year. Am I bovvered?

1st July '07 - ...And after that awesome episode with the Weeping Angels, 'Dr. Who' returns to (shite) form for the season finale. Crap story, crap effects and Captain Gay back again. And just who thought that the runty little fucker from 'Life On Mars' would make a good Master, eh? Wrong, wrong, wrong. When you compare Russel T. Davies's scripts against Steven Moffat's ones, it's almost embarrassing. And while I'm on the subject, are we all watching 'Jekyll'?  Good, isn't it? Unlike most of this series of the good doctor's adventures...

16th - 30th June '07 (St. Ives) - Well, lots happened while I was away stuffing Philp's pasties down my neck and drinking St. Austell ale like it was going out of fashion. The rains came down with a vengeance and washed the summer away, along with most of Sheffield. Wimbledon resulted in a disaster for the British contingent, or at least it would've been had the rain relented. Blair went away and the Spice Girls came back (a more than fair swap in my book.) Gordon took over all solemn and sombre as Prime Minister Elect, despite the fact that a.) he's not legally entitled to be the Prime Minister because b.) nobody elected him. Best of all though, those wacky Muslim fun-da-mentalists came out to play again, which probably means loads of lovely overtime for your humble narrator when he returns to work next week. Ah Summer in England, how I love you...

14th June '07 - I'm taking a break now for the rest of the month, so talk amongst yourselves. As usual, I shall be heading down to the southern end of Cornwall and basically doing bugger all for a fortnight. Some of you might enjoy 'seeing the world' but frankly, I live in London and work in forensic investigation. I 'see' the world every day. Most of it is here killing each other on the streets of what was once the capitol of England, but hey, that's not my problem for the rest of the month, is it? Toodle-pip, peasants. See you in July.

12th June '07 - The 'Carter USM' tickets are now going for £130 on eBay; five months before the gig. I've got some. You haven't. Arf! Arf!

11th June '07 - Pissing typical, isn't it? The start of three lovely weeks off and I'm shivering and full of snot. I've raided the medicine cabinet and am dosing myself up like Pete Doherty at a Pharmacist's convention. Anything to get right for two weeks of Sharp's Eden Ale next week! Mmm...

10th June '07 - I actually tore myself away from 'Oblivion' to catch 'Dr. Who' last night, and it's a good job I did, because this was pretty much the best episode I've ever seen. I loved last year's 'Girl In The Fireplace' and this was by the same writer (Steven Moffat), whose forthcoming 'Jekyll' has got to now be worth a look, even though it stars James Nesbitt. But I digress. This episode 'Blink' is the one that any ten-year-olds watching will be recalling twenty years from now. If the Daleks made my generation hide behind the sofa, then the Weeping Angels from last night would have seen hundreds of kids waking up screaming at about two o'clock this morning. Excellent stuff! Still, back to Russell T. Davies and Captain Gay (sorry, 'Jack') next week. Yawn...

8th June '07 - Look, if you're going to act all shocked and offended by my replies, then don't ask me ridiculous rhetorical questions. I got given a 'gay test' at work today by a mate who asked me this: 'Would you rather sleep with all of The Corrs' or none of them?' When I replied "All, but I'd get the brother out the way first", I got treated to a look that would've stunned a rhino. What?

6th June '07 - Yes, still playing 'Oblivion' and no, not even halfway through yet. I'm really, really sorry, but hey, you're all out sunning yourselves and aren't really missing your poor, sad Fish anyway, so I reckon I'll stay with it a little longer...

5th June '07 - Apparently, the new 'Fantastic Four' film, 'Rise of the Silver Surfer' has turned out to be a load of cods after all, despite a kick-arse trailer. Disappointing. Still, at least they didn't try shoehorning 'Venom' into it at the last minute...

4th June '07 - Smoking. It's not big and it's not clever, but there's a world of difference between the shit, chemically-sprayed sweepings they shove into your packet of twenty and the glorious hand-rolled vanilla-flavoured cigar I was enjoying at the weekend. I've long been a fan of 'Old Port', Canada's greatest export - a rum and wine flavoured machine-rolled cigar, but theses 'Heavenly' brand vanilla jobbies are just the tits. Like an angel farting on your tongue. Glorious.

3rd June '07 - Nice one, Sony! UMD movies for the PSP are now four-for-a-tenner on several e-shops. Nothing like over-estimating your market and then having to cut your losses, is there? With a bit of luck, I'll be picking up that special edition Blu-Ray version of 'The Crow' to play on my two hundred quid PS3 by Christmas...

2nd June '07 - My mate Samboway is getting married in August. My mate Samboway has just bought 'Oblivion'. My mate Samboway is about to become single again.

1st June '07 - Wa-hey! June at last! Soon be time to head down to Cornwall again for pasties and ale! I can't wait! Oh, St. Austell Cornish Cream, how I've missed you! The only downer is that this'll be the last time I can enjoy several pints of it with a nice Old Port cigar on the go. Boo to the Health Nazis!

31st June '07 - I was dicussing websites with a mate at work tday and he told me he hadn't looked at this site for ages. I sheepishly replied that he wasn't the only one. Yes, I'm still playing 'Oblivion' every free moment I get and yes, it's still consuming my life. Worse still, my pre-ordered copy of 'Tomb Raider - Anniversary' dropped through the letterbox this morning. I wonder how long it'll stay in it's cellophane? Months, I suspect...

28th May '07 - No, look, I'm still ticking over the way they fucked up that Spider-Man movie. In order? Ok, one - what a total waste of Thomas Haden Church as the superbly affected Sandman. Just watch the bit where he tries to reform himself to meet his daughter. Spellbinding. Two - New Goblin's 'Exposition-Man' butler filling us in on all the hastily re-written plot holes - oh, please. Three, Venom doing his thang without the third-person narrative that everyone knows from the comics. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Apart from that, everything was apples. I'm sure when the DVD comes out, we'll get to see all the excellent Sandman stuff that was so obviously snipped in order to make room for the Venom toy-selling opportunity, but until then, if you've not seen it - avoid. Piss off now, Mr. Raimi, and let someone else have a go. I'm for a Guillermo Del Toro take on Carnage. Without that screamy Dunst bint, too, I might add...

27th May '07 - 'Spider-Man 3' - Oh dear. Oh deary deary me. Not as bad as 'Chronicles Of Riddick', but still fairly atrocious. Look, how hard could it have been, eh? Sandman as main villain and Venom set up for the next film, yes? Instead we get a half-arsed melding of all the current Marvel wank-think solely devised to shift some toys (Quick! Put some more villains in!) and lo and behold - a load of hurried cods. Roll on 'Transformers'...

26th May '07 - Now that's more like it! All this season, the episodes of 'Doctor Who' have been pure filler. I was going to give it ten minutes tonight when this happened. Oh Yes! Awesome! What a great story! Terry Nation would've been proud...Now can we have a proper 'Blake's 7', please? Please?

25th May '07 - Apparently, if West Scumwich Albion go up this weekend, the whole package is worth £60 million or thereabouts to them. Jeez. That's a lot of Tesco bags, innit?

23rd May '07 - ...And while I'm praising 'Lech', what about trying the real 'Budvar' and the even more awesome 'Leffe'? You lagerboys don't know you're born...

22nd May '07 - Apparently, imported Polish lager 'Lech' is outselling local piss such as 'Carling' and 'Fosters' by six to one here in London. This is due to all the Polish migrant workers taking one sip of the tasteless Eurofizz we brew in the UK and deciding to import the decent stuff from back home. Thank God for the Poles, I say! This stuff is gorgeous and, at the moment, 50p cheaper than 'Becks'. Get in!

21st May '07 - Some piece of shit has torched the Cutty Sark. Bastard. Now while I have never really rated this ship as a tourist attraction ("Yep, that's a thin, wooden boat full of tea-chests if ever I saw one"), I can't deny it's place in British naval history. The only thing is, they're talking about a full rebuild to go with the planned refit that was already on the cards. Forgive me, but what's the point? It's gone. Whatever rises from the ashes now won't be the Cutty Sark, it'll be Trigger's broom; the one he used for twenty years that only had four new handles and eleven new heads. Drag the shell into the Channel, have a full ceremony and scuttle it. Preferably with whoever set it alight safely stowed in the bilge.

20th May '07 - I've just realised something. A month today, I'll be in Cornwall eating pasties and drinking St. Austell ale! Nice to have something to look forward to in this shabby so-called life we lead, isn't it?

19th May '07 - FA Cup Final: Man Utd 0 Chelsea 1 (AET). That has got to be one of the most boring games of football I've ever had the misfortune to sit through, and I was following Wolves in the late Eighties and early Nineties, so I know what I'm talking about. Unbelievably, some people had paid two and a half grand for black market tickets to this this load of cods. The phrase 'more money than sense' springs to mind...

17th May '07 - I'm not sure I like this new smiley Gordon Brown. Not that I particularly liked the old grumpy one much, but I think this new sinister smirk he's started wearing in a desperate bid to appear friendly and likeable is just a bit scary. Gordon, the country doesn't need another grinning goon. We've had one of them for the last ten years and look where it's got us...

16th May '07 - Scum 1 Wolves 0. Don't care. No, really, I don't care. Another year and these kids will be ready for the Premiership. If they'd have gone up this year, it would've been straight back down again like last time. Another season of bedding in, up as Champions and then the 08-09 season will see us back where we belong. Permanently. 'Super, super Mick. Super Mick McCarthy!'

14th May '07 - I love this time of year at work. Annual Reports are due and the number of grumpy people quadruples for a week or so as those who've done bugger all for twelve months get all sniffy when you give them an average rating. Me, I don't give a toss. I'm at the top of my pay-scale now and about to go onto Nights. They can give me a Box 5 if they like, I'll still be quids in!

13th May '07 - Wolves 2 Scum 3. No, no. Don't panic. Away goals don't count in play-offs, so all we need to do is go there on Wednesday night and win against a team who've scored nearly a hundred goals this season, then hang on for extra time and finally slot a few penalties past them and it's Play-Off Final, here we come. As long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a Maserati...

12th May '07 - ...and speaking of top new albums, the self-titled new offering from 'The Wildhearts' is the easily the best thing they've done since 'P.H.U.Q.' Ginger and the boys are easily the finest British rock band of the last twenty years. Why this band aren't the biggest thing in rock, I'll never know...

11th May '07 - I've just downloaded the new album from Norwegian Darkwave troll-thing, 'Mortiis', who despite the ridiculous facial prosthetics, is actually a supremely accomplished musician. This new one, 'Some Kind Of Heroin', is actually a remix album of last year's superb 'The Grudge', only the bias is more toward Ambient, and in places Goa-type Trance. So, basically, I'm recommending you all go and listen to a Trance remix of a Darkwave/industrial metal album. A weird concept, yes, but the music is fantastic. Give it a go.

10th May '07 - So that's it. His Royal Tonyness has named the day and will be gone in the very near future. If only the term 'falling on one's sword' still meant what it used to...

9th May '07 - An important meeting at work today - a big compusory 'everyone must attend on pain of excommunication' type of meeting, all about the future of our unit as divined by our new boss; a bloke who's never done our work, and his three deputies who have done it, many years ago, before they got shunted into management, whereupon they promptly forgot it all. All hail the Public Sector. Ra-ra...

8th May '07 - 'Oblivion' - The mace has gone, but the steel bow is still de riguer, and now that I've become Arena Champion, my Raiment of Valour means that I can kick their arse and nick their possessions before they know what's hit 'em. Buy this game. Buy this game NOW. You'll lose weight, I swear to God...

6th May '07 - Leicester 1 Wolves 4. Last day of the season and our biggest win. Play-offs it is, then. Another two games against West Scumwich Albion. This will make it five times this season we'll have played these stripey tossers. The score is currently two-one to them. Oh please let us turn them over again. I wouldn't even care if we lost the final, just as long as we beat those tools! Roll on Sunday. We're just three wins away from a £60 million Premiership payday! Believe!

5th May '07 - My fingers have locked. My shoulder is frozen. My eyes no longer focus. Yes, a mere eleven hours into 'Elder Scrolls IV - Oblivion' on my PC and my brain has all but shut down. It's half past three in the morning. Last time I looked, it was a quarter to six yesterday evening. Dear God, what a game! I'm female Dark-Elf, by the way. I'm immune to fire, I can turn invisible, I have a steel longbow and to cap it all, a big fuck-off mace. Want some?

4th May '07 - Happy 'Star Wars Day' to one and all May the Fourth be with you!

2nd May '07 - I've just been informed that the reason why I haven't received a voting slip for the local elections is because there aren't any being held in London. Ah. Right. That'll be it, then. Nothing like being politically-aware, is there? Sheesh...

1st May '07 - Still no sign of my voting slip. Do you think they're deliberately not sending me one because they know I'm a white tax-payer?

30th April '07 - I can't remember the last time I got to the end of a month without tapping into my overdraft, but today I did it! Or I would have done had the holiday company not decided to yank a grand out for our fortnight away right on the last day of the month. Arse.

29th April '07 - On a whim, I decided to pay the extra tenner and sit in first class for the journey back to Shitsville today. Nice. More leg-room, less vermin and complimentary coffee and sarnies. This is the life. More, please!

28th April '07 - Wolves 2 QPR 0. Job done. Now all we have to do is turn Leicester over at their place next Sunday and we'll finish in a play-off spot. Still a bit nervy though, what with Southampton only a point behind. Ah well, even if we finish seventh, it's still a top result given the state of things at the start of the season!

26th April '07 - What the bloody hell is that ridiculous Sheryl Crow woman on about? Apparently, we should all be saving the planet by only using one square of bog-roll 'per visit'. Fine if you're a macrobiotic veggie weirdo who only passes dry pellets, but not really practical for normal people. I'd love to see how Ms. Crow copes after a few pints of Bombardier and a vegetable madras with only one square of bleeding Andrex...

25th April '07 - It's Local Election time in a couple of weeks and round about now is when everbody gets their voting slips dropping through the letter-box. Only I haven't had mine. This is probably because I live in Lambeth, so they automatically assume I'm going to vote Labour anyway. Wrong.

24th April '07 - Tip for all you baldies out there. Never buy a pair of sunglasses with metal arms no matter how sexy and blue the lenses are, as after an hour in the sun, you'll find yourself with a couple of painful red tram-lines above each ear. Ow.

23rd April '07 - St. George's Day. Know how many flags I saw today, here in the heart of England's capitol city? Four. And I was wearing one of them. Absolutely pitiful for the English as a nation, but job well done for the canny Scots that run Westminster. Congratulations! You've finally done it! You've eradicated the English. You couldn't do it on the battlefield over the last thousand years, so you've done it by stealth insurrection. Who knows, if you all vote for independence in the near future, you might even like to try your hand at an invasion. I mean, it's not as if there'll be much resistance, is there? Tony's immigration policy (read: none) has made sure that most Londoners are now Somalians anyway, so it's not as if they'd stop you taking the city by force. Go on, guys! I'm with you! I'm cracking open the Talisker as we speak. Hoots, mon...

22nd April '07 - Wolves 2 Birmingham 3. Shit. Shit. Shit. Now we're up against it. Three teams below us on 69 points and us on 70. A win this afternoon would've been like having a game in hand with two matches to go. Before today, I reckoned we'd need to win two out of the last three. Now we have to win the last two to have any hope of finishing in a play-off spot. Why do we insist on making things so hard for ourselves? Leaky at the back and unable to slot a penalty. Not good, people, not good...

21st April '07 - Now that the dust has settled, literally and figuratively on the unfortunate events at Virginia Tech, I see that my previous entry on this subject was misinformed. There were no military assault rifles, just a couple of bog-standard automatic pistols, with which yer man took out thirty-two bods. I guess this proves my theory that nothing will ever be fool-proof to a sufficiently determined fool.

20th April '07 - Didn't get in until half past seven last night. A twelve hour working day. It annoys me that, ten years ago, when I was permanently skint, I'd've jumped at the chance of some overtime, but there was never any going. Now I neither need it nor want it, there's more than I can shake a stick at. Arsecakes. Oh well, out for an ale or two tonight with my old mate, Bill. Hope I can stay awake...

19th April '07 - If this is global warming, bring it on.

18th April '07 - Just a quick reminder that next Monday, the twenty-third, is St. George's Day, so I want to see all of you out there in red and white, waving the flag. Unfortunately though, there won't be a parade in Trafalgar Square with everyone wearing their national colours and celebrating their national saint as Ken Livingstone feels that he's already done this once this year. Admittedly it was for St. Patrick, but a saint's a saint to an atheist, right? Anyway, it'd be positively absurd for English people to celebrate England's patron saint in the capital of England, wouldn't it? No, far better to close the streets off for the Irish instead. That's embracing 'multi-culturalism', that is...

17th April '07 - Another fucked-up American schoolkid goes goes buggo with a firearm. This time it's thirty-odd in body-bags, as opposed to the usual dozen or so. When are the Yanks going to tighten up their gun laws and stop this happening again? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the Constitution and have no problem whatsoever with someone owning a firearm to protect his family from intruders. I'd have one myself if I was allowed to, but of course I don't need one in England as Tony banned all firearms after Dunblane and, consequently, it's a gun-free paradise over here. For Americans though, a 9mm in a locked case in the top cupboard is a comfort-blanket that everyone should have access to for when their society finally collapses, but there's a world of difference between home-defence and the kind of toys this kid was packing. Small-calibre pistols are an acceptable aquisition for a concerned homeowner. Military-spec assault rifles aren't. Bit of perspective required here, Uncle Sam, and quickly, too, before another student decides to try and beat the new record...

16th April '07 - Seeing yet more pictures of starving African children on the telly last night; this time from Darfur, I find myself thinking back to the words of the late, great Sam Kinison in 1985, just as Live Aid was happening. Sam was a loud, aggressive American comedian, but he was spot on about Africa as far as I'm concerned. "Help yourselves! Don't just sit there with your hand out, move to where the food is! We have deserts in the US, but we don't fucking live in them! Keep bailing 'em out and we'll still be doing it in twenty years!" We are, Sam. We are.

15th April '07 - Strange, isn't it? You can want something for ages and yet the moment you get it, it isn't what you thought it'd be. Ages ago on this very site, I was bemoaning the fact that 'KitKat' made every variety imaginable except a dark chocolate one. Well, now they do and I had one today. It was vile. Funny old world, innit?

14th April '07 - Crystal Palace 2 Wolves 2. Squeaky bum time. We played the entire second half with ten men, but still salvaged a point. Unfortunately, in a complete change of luck from Monday, most of the others around us won. Still, we dropped one space but are just about hanging on in a play-off spot. It's Birmingham at Molineux next and I reckon we've got to win at least two out of the last three games. Like I said, squeaky bum time...

13th April '07 - Weird reading Kenneth Grahame's 'The Wind In The Willows' to my daughter at bedtimes. It's a children's book; a classic; a tale of innocence, moles and badgers, and yet it's full of words like 'etiquette', 'tranquility' and 'magnanimous' and other words that the average school-leaver would be hard-pressed to define, let alone spell. When this book was written, back in the 1920s, this book would have been scoffed at by anyone over the age of twelve. Nowadays, I doubt if you could even find a twelve-year-old capable of reading it. 'Education, education,education', right, Tony?

12th April '07 - Apparently, scientists have now identified a 'fat gene' which they reckon is responsible for the chronic amount of obesity in today's society. And there was me thinking it was just that the fat fuckers were eating too much and not exercising enough, or indeed, at all! Just goes to show how narrow-minded and deluded I was, eh?

11th April '07 - Hilarious watching sad Eighties rockers Saxon on a reinvention and makeover type programme last night. Uber-promoter Harvey Goldsmith (producer of 'Live Aid' who's managed Madonna, Elton John and The Rolling Stones among others) took the old farts under his wing and tried to coax them into the twenty-first century, but they were having none of it. Still stuck, musically and visually, firmly in 1982, the lead singer Biff Byford resisted every life-line thrown his ailing band, from new production values right down to a haircut and clashed loudly with Harvey over everything. Great telly! From now on, they're new name in this house will be what Harvey called their sound - Pedestrian.

9th April '07 - Wolves 3 Hull 1. Now that's more like it! Another three points and back up to fifth. For once the other results went our way, with both Southampton and Preston taking a tumble. Unfortunately, The Scum managed a last-minute winner. Oh well, can't have everything! Down to Selhurst Park for Crystal Palace on Saturday. Is that fucking Freedman still playing?

Easter Sunday - Know what I did today? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I didn't get up until one in the afternoon, whereupon I had a nice relaxing bath before going back for a lie on the newly-made bed with the new 'Lucifer' graphic novel. People ask me what I'd do if I ever won the lottery. Forget nightclubs and the jet-set lifestyle, you can't beat a lie down and a bit of a read. Party animal, that's me. Pass the Sanatogen...

7th April '07 - Sunderland 2 Wolves 1. We threw everything we had at these guys. Everything. This win puts them into an automatic promotion slot. Quite right, too. With Roy Keane in charge, they're going up and I don't think they'll be back down again anytime soon. Meanwhile, we've temporarily slipped out of the play-offs. Grim. Let's hope we twat Hull midweek and claw our way back! Luckily, most of the other promotion chasers fucked up today as well. Preston, Brum and The Scum all lost. Keep holding your breath, true believers...

6th April '07 - I found this on YouTube earlier. I've not seen it for twenty-odd years, but so far, I've watched it three times in the last hour. It's so wrong, but I can't seem to help myself. Is it the pigtails? The little red knickers? What? Dear God, that woman was hot!

4th April '07 - Remember me saying I wouldn't be buying a PlayStation 3? Well that went right out the fucking window this morning when I clapped eyes on this. Hopefully, by October, all the bugs will have been ironed out of Sony's new toy and they'll have dropped the price. Yee-haa! Liberty City here we come!

3rd April '07 - Just turned the telly on and came face to face with Anne bloody Robinson. Again. I find myself wondering if there's anyone left who actually still watches 'The Weakest Link'? Anyone at all? No? Ok then, Anne, in your own time, love...

2nd April '07 - Herself's birthday, and as another treat, I plyed her with money and took her shopping at the Merry Hill centre in Dudley (an enormous, soul-less Mall of the type I love so much.) I had resigned myself to five hours of waiting outside dressing-rooms holding the pushchair (after all, she needed a summer mac AND a scarf.) Imagine my surprise when she announced after only two and a quarter hours that she'd found everything she wanted and had tried them all on and actually bought them! I nearly fell off the walkway! And I thought April Fool's day was yesterday! Still, we'll probably all be back here next week bringing everything back...

1st April '07 - April Fool's Day. Woke up to a radio debate about what people thought about the plans to rename Easter and Christmas as 'Spring Holiday' and 'Winter Holiday' respectively. Couldn't really find it in me to laugh, as I wasn't entirely sure it was a piss-take...

31st March '07 - Wolves 0 Southampton 6. Call me 'Jonah', ok? The only game I've been to this year and this happens. The weird thing is, we really didn't play that badly. I know it sounds weird, but it was just one of those things. We huffed and puffed, hit the bar twice, missed a penalty and had loads of shots blocked or saved. They had eight clear-cut chances and slotted six of them. Result - the biggest twatting at home since two months before I was born. Crazy. Even more bizarre was the fact that everyone was still singing 'Super Mick McCarthy' and 'We're gonna win 7-6' right to the death. What a surreal afternoon...

30th March '07 - Finally got to see '300', and on a digital print, too. Absolutely fucking awesome! Wipes the floor with 'Sin City', style-wise and leaves you with a great big grin on your face (if you're a bloke, that is; the ladies will hate it.) Think that 'champions-in-single-combat' segment at the start of 'Troy', where Achilles salmon-leaps and stabs the big fella in the head and then stretch it out for an hour and a half. Full-on gratuitous war-porn of the highest order. Top stuff!

29th March '07 - Never attempt to reload your iPod Shuffle with a new selection when you come in after a few sherbets. Last night's hasty re-stocking of tracks resulted in albums by 'Isis', 'Ahab' and 'Mastodon' (yes, I know you've never heard of them, they're 'Metal' - it doesn't get airplay) being replaced, not with my chosen selections, but with the contents of the hard-drive's mp3 library in alphabetical order. Since the library also includes Herself's 'music', I guess I shouldn't have been that surprised to find myself flicking through such treats as 'Abba', 'Air' and 'Betty Boo'. Brrr...

28th March '07 - Following on from Sainsbury's crap 'spend £20 and you might win some juice' promotion comes the new one from car giants Dodge. Buy the new Dodge Caliber (sic) and get a free 'Binky'. Yeah, great! Spend twelve grand on a crap American hatchback with a resale value of thirty quid and get a free cuddly toy to cry into when you realise what you've done. Jesus...

26th March '07 - Damn, this is good! I'm listening to 'The Blackening', the new album from Machine Head. You should be, too.

25th March '07 - Israel 0 England 0. That'd be 'Israel', the footballing superpower of the Middle East, and we couldn't even put one past them. Jesus, bring back Sven. Might as well, we're still paying the fucker...

24th March 07 - I thought that bloody skating programme had finished? It's Mr. Torville I feel sorry for. Jayne's legs have spent more time wrapped round Christopher Dean's neck than her husband's...

23rd March '07 - Today's the day when all those desperate, bedroom-dwelling young gentlemen were finally able to hand over their £425 for a shiny new PlayStation 3. A few of them were interviewed in Oxford Street saying things like 'It's the most powerful console on the planet!', 'It's the next generation of gaming!' and 'It wipes the floor with the Xbox 360!'. I'd love to be a fly on the wall first thing Monday morning when they all troop back with comments like 'It keeps overheating', 'I can't get my PS2 games to play' and 'Can I have my money back, please?'

22nd March '07 - Anyone care to enlighten me as to why February has to have twenty-eight days? Yes, I know all about the three hundred and sixty five-and-a-quarter day year and the reason for tagging an extra day on every four years, but why have a twenty eight day month? Couldn't they have made it thirty days and just nicked a couple back from January and October or something? It wouldn't've looked half as conspicuous that way...

21st March '07 - With every passing month, the quality of PC games gets better and better. Recently, I've been treated to 'Half-Life 2 - Episode 1', 'Medieval 2: Total War' and I've just pre-ordered 'Tomb Raider: Anniversary'. All graphical masterpieces and visually stunning. So why am I spending most of my spare time playing 'Missile Command' - a 'lines n' dots' game from 1979 - on my Palm PDA? Weird...

20th March '07 - Is it Spring yet? When do we have to dick about with the clocks again?

19th March '07 - '300' is being released on IMAX screens as well next week. Jesus and I are going to go and catch it one day after work. It's probably a cause for concern when a grown man gets this excited about the prospect of watching a load of pumped-up blokes in leather cod-pieces knocking seven shades out of one another, but I'm trying not to think about it too much...

18th March '07 - Spent all day in bed aching, shivering and necking Lem-Sip. It's half past eight now and I'm finally feeling half-decent again. Why am I always ill in my own time when I'm not at bloody work?

17th March '07 - Sheff Wed 2 Wolves 2. Jesus, that was a tough one! Still, Cardiff lost, which has opened up a bit of a gap below us and a point away from home is never a bad one. Twice we came back from a goal behind here. It just goes to show the spirit in this team compared to Hoddle's journeymen last year! This team battle to the death and, statistically, they are less than half as expensive as the team we put out last year! We can do this! The second spot is probably reaching a bit, but there's no reason why we shouldn't be in a play-off spot at the end of the season. What's the betting we end up playing the Scum again?

16th March '07 (Later...) - Lenny Henry owes me thirty-seven pounds.

16th March '07 - 'Comic Relief' night. Tell you what, Lenny. As it's for charridee, I'll donate a quid every time you make me laugh, ok? In the interests of fairness, though, I'll also deduct a quid every time you 'whoop', say 'yeah, alright', adopt a broad Brummie accent for no apparent reason or mention the fact that you're black. Sorted? Game on.

15th March '07 - One glimmer of hope following on from Tuesday night is that the scum lost their Wednesday night game, too, making three on the trot. Hee hee! Still two points clear of 'em and now the nerves will be setting in! Meanwhile, we've got Wednesday on Saturday...believe!

14th March '07 - Coventry 2 Wolves 1. Shagbox. And it was all going so well, too. Still, although Preston won and pushed us down into fifth, at least Derby and Sunderland both drew their games, keeping everything tighter than a tight thing and the pressure well and truly on. That's cool. We can do 'pressure'. We only lost this 'cos they had a man advantage for the whole of the second half! Jackie McNamara, you're a tit.

13th March '07 - For future reference; Students - don't rattle the tin in front of my nose this Friday as I am not the slightest bit interested in giving money to Comic Relief. Of all the 'charities', this one spends the most on self-publicity and administration and it's whole, belligerent 'you must have fun, it's for Africa' shtick is really getting on my tits now. Like I've said in the past, How Lenny Henry can bang on about starving kids when his hideously obese wife is the size of a fucking bison is beyond me...

12th March '07 - After hearing what my poor mate Mick is going through, there's no way I'm about to have a vasectomy any time soon. Never struggling with a Durex packet again is one thing, but trying to stuff a scrotum the size and colour of an aubergine into one's boxers is quite another...

11th March '07 - Wolves 1 Scum 0. HAAAA!!!! Stuffed the scum! Absolutely bloody brilliant! Six wins out of six and leap-frog the Tesco tossers into fourth place! Oh yes! I've shouted myself hoarse listening to the internet radio this afternoon and I've now got a headache. I don't care! Super, super Mick! Super Mick McCarthy!

9th March '07 - I'm thinking of taking up sadism, necrophilia and bestiality as hobbies, but I'm worried I might end up flogging a dead horse...

8th March '07 - Seeing Liz Hurley's wedding snaps, I'd just like to suggest that her tits are now awarded the title of 'National Treasures' left behind by Barbra Windsor's norks as they went south sometime in the Seventies...

7th March '07 - Big discussion on the web tonight as to what the ultimate driving song is. Ed defines the criteria as being 'a song that takes you over and makes you want to floor the pedal despite severe risk to yourself and your passengers'. With that in mind, my vote goes to 'On A Rope' by Rocket From The Crypt. Dangerous stuff...

6th March '07 - Not that things at work are unusually quiet at the moment or anything, but today, in a desperate bid to fill the shift, I resorted to counting my emails from the last twelve months and identifying the people who'd sent me the most. The Big Boss's P.A. won with forty-seven. This obviously means she fancies me. I'll put this fact to her...when Hell freezes over.

4th March '07 - If you fancy scaring the living shite out of yourself, why not add a few plastic lizards with sucker-feet to the tiling in your bathroom? Ostensibly, they're there to make bathtimes more fun for my three-year-old daughter, but a long soak in searingly hot water gets under the suckers and down they come, right on your head, just as you enter that 'fully-prone and delirious from the heat' stage of a truly relaxing soak. You could've heard the screams in Tooting...

3rd March '07 - Luton 2 Wolves 3. And that's a play-off space! Best of all, The Scum lost as well! Roll on next Sunday, High Noon, when we finally have the chance to butcher these Tesco bag-wearing tools at Fortress Molineux. Bring it on!

2nd March '07 - I had a major flashback today as I saw (and promptly scoffed) my first bag of Walker's Spicy Tomato Snaps since about 1978. Awesome! Where the hell have they been hiding?

1st March '07 - Tragedy strikes as I finally polish off the last of the Philp's pasties I brought back from Cornwall last summer. Still, only three months to go before the next batch and at least I managed to make my supply last seven months, which is six months and three and a half weeks more than Homer did...

28th February '07 - I'm trying to think which of the following is more annoying to here coming out of an English person's mouth; the use of the word 'ass' to mean 'arse', or the addition of the word 'already' for emphasis at the end of a sentence. Both offences ought to be punishable by flogging in my book...

27th February '07 - If you were Captain Scarlet, would you still be pissing about in Government employment, following sinister headlights with deep voices when you could go to Hollywood, clean up as a stuntman and shag lots of wannabe 'models'? The bloke's an idiot...

26th February '07 - Finally! AntiProduct have just posted the finished version of 'Good Vibrations' (as remixed by the awesome Sylvia Massey) on their MySpace site. Being a thieving git, I've promptly nicked it and stuck it on my MySpace site, too! Turn your speakers up and click here. Enjoy!

24th February '07 - Wolves 1 Leeds 0. "Super, super Mick! Super, super Mick! Super, super Mick! Super Mick McCarthy!" Six points in one week! How good is that? I reckon it's down to the fact that we once again have a Steve and an Andy up front. Young messers Ward and Keogh are doing the biz very nicely, thank-you. If they carry on following in the footsteps of Bully and Mutch, then Premiership here we come! Only FOUR POINTS now seperate the top eight teams. Play-offs? We could even be talking automatic promotion, here!

23rd February '07 - In a bid to boost flagging ratings, the BBC are set to screen 'EastEnders' SIX times a week instead of the current five. I simply cannot grasp the logic behind this sort of move. Like, if the public has grown tired of the product, let's give them more of it? I'd have thought the answer would be to take it back to twice a week and concentrate on writing quality, rather than quantity, but what would I know?

21st February '07 - Ipswich 0 Wolves 1. 'Your father is your brother / Your sister is your mother / you all shag each other / The Ipswich fa-mi-ly!' Cheers for the points, yokels! Play-offs, here we come!

20th February '07 - I'm nearing the end of my '24' box sets. Four down and one to go. Seeing as though Season Six is still airing, I could be in for some serious withdrawal symptoms. Hell, I was even considering going back to 'Lost'. That is, until I grabbed a relatively unknown PS2 game called...'24 - The Game'! Never mind waiting for more Jack Bauer, now I AM Jack Bauer! Awesome! Right, who's for a bit of gratuitous torture, then?

19th February '07 - So Sting is reforming 'The Police' in a multi-squillion pound deal, is he? Now, I bought the first couple of Police albums ('Outlandos d'Amour' & 'Regatta de Blanc') and as stripped down exercises in white reggae, they were pretty damn good. Unfortunately, old Gordon then realised how gorgeous he was and there then followed a raft of disappointing shite before they knocked it on the head in '83. Sting then went on to have a solo career and released some tiresomely dull song about a field of barley over and over again until last month, when even he got so bored with it, he decided to board the gravy train again. Ah well, good luck to 'em. I hope they go back to basics and knock out a killer new album rather than just taking the money and legging it, but even if they don't, the money they'll make may - just may - convince Paul Weller to get 'The Jam' back together. Now that'd be worth a go!

18th February '07 - Subaru Impreza - the ultimate production sports-car for the working man or an over-hyped Morris Ital lookalike with a spoiler? Hmm...

17th February '07 - Wolves 2 Burnley 1. And that completes the double over these jokers. The first three points at home since New Year's Day, and not before time! We're now - dare I say it - hitting a run of form just at the right time and we can almost taste a play-off place. It's mid-table Ipswich on Tuesday night, followed by bottom-of-the-table Leeds next Saturday. Can't wait! Bring it on!

15th February '07 - Alright, so if Amy Winehouse really is a woman, then how come her album is called 'Frank'?, eh? It's because that's his real name, innit? Frank Winehouse - welder by day, drag diva by night and possessing a penis you could club seals with. Scary biscuits!

14th February '07 - Look, I wasn't watching it, it was on, there's a difference. Anyway, two questions regarding this year's 'Brit Awards'. Firstly, how come that Winehouse pre-op fella was allowed to win the 'Best Female' award when, with a voice like that, he's obviously still got his twig and berries and secondly, how the fuck has Russell Brand manage to shag three thousand women when he sounds like Davina McCall and looks like the idiot son of Dave Hill from Slade? With eyeliner. The c*nt.

13th February '07 - Check out these John Denver lyrics from his hit song 'Grandma's Feather Bed': "It'd take eight kids and four hound dogs and a piggy we stole from the shed / We didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun on Grandma's feather bed." Sick fucker. I'm glad he's dead...

12th February '07 - Apparently, the results of a six-hour post mortem on Anna-Nicole Smith were 'inconclusive', which is Coronor-speak for "We don't know precisely what combination of drugs killed her and we're waiting on toxicology". What if it isn't a drug thing, though? What if it's a deadly new virus that only targets orange-faced comedy balloon women? Jordan! Pammy! Run for your lives! 'Bint Flu' is coming!

10th February '07 - Preston 0 Wolves 1. Just sixteen games to go and a mere three points off a play-off spot. We like! The only downside was that this win managed to shunt The Scum into the second automatic promotion spot. Here's hoping they cock it up...

9th February '07 - First night out of the New Year (what a rebel) as Jesus and I decide to check out the new Intrepid Fox. Mixed feelings. On the one hand, the new gaff is twice the size of the old one and it was absolutely leaping, which no doubt pleases Pat and Jan no end (and quite right, too!) But on the other hand...I don't know. It just didn't feel like The Fox, you know? Twice the size, yeah, but half the character. It reminded me of the old 'Xposure' bar in Birmingham, which was a faded '80s mirrors n' glass bar turned into a rock joint simply by sticking Iron Maiden posters everywhere. This new 'Fox is a place to go drinking, sure, but the old one was a reason. Feel sad, dudes...

8th February '07 - England 0 Spain 1. Four defeats on the trot, now. Oh dear, Steve, not good, is it? Especially when you come out with a statement along the lines of "It'll all be alright when Michael Owen comes back." If that's your best plan then, dude, you're in trouble. Oh, and by the way, are you sure the bloke's name is spelled 'Dyer'? 'Cos it was more like 'Dire' from where I was sitting...

7th February '07 - Twenty-eight years ago today, my dad died. It was quick and sudden as most cardiac aneurysms are. He was fifty-one. I was ten. I can't now remember his voice or his face or anything about him anymore. I only remember that he was a quiet, solitary sort of man who spent a lot of time on his beloved allotment. Time is cruel; it leeches at our memories and ultimately, memory is all we ever have of those we have lost. These recollections have made me determined to be a loud dad. A noisy dad. A 'lets-take-Arya-on-a-mad-horsey-ride-round-the-flat-at-high-speed' dad. I don't know when I'm going to check out of this circus, but if it's fifty-one, eighty-one or a hundred and twenty, my little girl is sure as hell going to remember me!

6th February '07 - Talking of comic-books, Neil Gaiman's sublime 'Sandman' series has been optioned as a movie. The director? Joel 'let's-give-Batman-nipples' Schumacher. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

5th February '07 - Reading an corker at the mo. Check Amazon for 'Y - The Last Man' by Brian K. Vaughan.Quick synopsis: Biblical-type disaster happens and everything on the planet with a 'Y' chromosome drops down dead - except for Yorick Brown and his pet monkey, Ampersand. Exciting, thought-provoking and often downright hilarious. This is everything the comic-book format shoud be! Get it in now!

3rd February '07 - Wolves 2 Plymouth 2. I have no idea why we persist in making things so bloody hard for ourselves this season. What's the point of playing a 5-4-1 holding game with one up front from the kick-off when we desperately need to start winning some home games? Why not go out all guns blazing with a 4-4-2 set-up and see if we can kill the game early? All we're doing with this approach is treading water and inviting the opposition to have a go, which they usually do. Come on, Mick. A little more balls, eh?

1st February '07 - The latest chapter of Operation Stable Door begins next week when the Government will begin pushing through a ban on katanas (or 'Samurai swords', if you happen to be an uneducated tabloid hack.) Any of you good people who've ever felt the urge to purchase one of these beautiful and graceful weapons are advised to do so in the next month before everybody in the UK  (with the exception of criminals, obviously) gets banned from buying or selling them. Fortunately, I have two already. One, a movie replica of Ramirez's blade from 'Highlander', and the other, an exquisitely-balanced hand-forged one from Japan capable of slicing a piece of silk simply by letting it drop on the yakiba (edge). With a good swing it'll go through steel piping. If you don't believe me, then why not attempt a break-in here at Fish Towers?

31st January '07 - I've spent the last couple of days reading virtually every review in cyberspace of the Sony PS3 and I've come to an extremely informed opinion. I shaln't be buying one. Why? Four things. First, the price. At £425, it's 30% dearer in the UK than anywhere else on the planet (because manufacturers know they can get away with ripping off the British because we're all stupid.) Second, build quality. They're insanely bulky and they overheat. Third, Marketing lies. Sony keep talking about the 1080p picture quality, but unless you have a brand new HD telly and an HDMI cable  - at an extra £100 - you'll be watching in 480p, same as us PS2 owners, and fourth, Blu-Ray. A soon-to-be unsupported, dead duck format destined to go the way of Betamax. So if you were one of those frantic buyers I saw on eBay over Christmas bidding upwards of a grand, then I'm guessing you're now regretting that ultra-expensive doorstop there in the corner. Oh dear. Guess I'll stick to PC gaming for a little while longer...

30th January '07 - Norwich 0 Wolves 1. Nine men. We finished this with nine men. The referee failed to give us the most blatant penalty ever. (Watch the replay. Just watch it.) We were utterly shite in the first half, and would've been 4-0 down at half-time if it wasn't for Matt Murray's saves. Then, at the death, the referee finds FIVE minutes of extra time from nowhere. Easily the most nail-biting game I've ever listened to on the radio and if I wasn't bald already, I would've been after this! Jesus...

29th January '07 - Just finished watching Season Three of '24'. Bloody hell, this programme is good! I love the way that nobody is safe and main characters get bumped off with alarming regularity. I've got Seasons Four and Five on the shelf ready to watch and by the time I've finished those, Season Six will have been released on DVD and I can get stuck into that, too. Personally, I'm looking forward to seeing who the next CTU casualty is going to be. Hope it's Chloe, the annoying cow...

28th January '07 - FA Cup Fourth Round: Wolves 0 The Scum 3. Bollocks.

26th January '07 - For some bizarre reason, my brain spent all morning telling me that what I really wanted at lunchtime was a Mexican Fajita Pot Noodle. My brain was quite insistant about this. My brain was wrong, and what's more, my arse will be giving it a bloody good talking to in the very near future...

25th January '07 - Today marks an important milestone in the history of home entertainment as it is the day that the war of the next gen formats was finally decided. For months now, the argument between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray has been raging with no clear winner emerging. Sony and Philips insisting that their Blu-Ray disc offered greater storage capacity and quality, while Toshiba, Hitachi (and pretty much everybody else) maintained that their HD-DVD discs were cheaper and more durable. For a while, it looked as if the cheaper format was edging ahead...until this morning, when it positively disappeared over the horizon and out of sight. Why? What single choice has rendered Blu-Ray as redundant as Betamax? What colossal error of marketing has just flushed billions of yen of research down the toilet? Sony's sniffy decision to deny the porn industry access to Blu-Ray. Result? The U.S. porn barons immediately hold a conference and completely endorse HD-DVD as the one and only format for the future of filth. Anyone got shares in Sony? Oops!

24th January '07 - Ah, it's the twenty-fourth again - OFFSCOC day. One week before payday when we all examine the contents of our wallets before glancing at the wall and yelling "Oh For Fuck's Sake, Come On, Calendar!"

23rd January '07 - There was a poster in the window of Sainsbury's this morning which went: 'Spend ten pounds or more for the chance to win a 330ml bottle of Tropicana orange juice!' If anyone has heard of a more pathetic and desperate attempt at a marketing 'competition', let me know via the Guestbook. There's a prize for the winner. Can you guess what it is?

22nd January '07 - A message to WH Smith. Normally, I'm passionately against littering, but as long as you keep stuffing my magazines with adverts, flyers and leaflets, then I will continue to pick them off the shelf by the spine and shake their contents onto your floor before taking them to the till. I really can't put it any clearer than this, can I?

21st January '07 - Just got back from an enforced three-hour trip to Ikea (apparently, we 'needed' some tea-lights.) Acre upon acre of flat-pack shelving, cushions and candles and at the end of it, tired and hungry, I found myself confronted with the prospect of an overcrowded restuarant serving nothing but meatballs in gravy...with jam. Christ, no wonder the suicide rate is so high among Scandinavians. Pass the tablets...

20th January '07 - Wolves 1 Cardiff 2. What the bloody hell happened there? We should have won that 4-1 in the second half, but yet again it was the same old story of chance after chance wasted in front of goal followed by sloppy defending in the last ten minutes. I still say Cardiff have no fucking right to be in English football, though. They're only here because there's no money in Wales. It's a bit like Scottish politicians in Westminster, really. A bigger trough to dip your hypocritical snouts in. Right, boyos?

19th January '07 - Look, if they put up a sign outside their building advertising it as 'Croydon Public Mortuary', then I don't see what gives them the right to get all high and mighty when innocent members of the aforementioned public, such as myself, walk in off the street with a perfectly reasonable request to have a look at the stiffs. Threatening to forcibly eject me from the premises and call the police was, I feel, extremely unfair, especially when they let that bird in to have a look just 'cos she turned up in a black coat and cried a lot. Bloody hypocrisy, that's what it is...

18th January '07 - After a day spent interacting with some of the more astonishingly inept members of my organisation, I have henceforth decided to revert to my Sioux name of 'Works With Pillocks' for the rest of my so-called career...

17th January '07 - 'Is This Kate's Sexiest Advert?' screamed the headlines today whilst regaling us all with stills of the latest 'Agent Provocateur' lingerie ad. Hmmm...a stick-thin, boss-eyed drug-addict with bad skin and the figure of an eleven-year-old boy squirming around wearing underwear designed for a woman. Nope, don't think so...

16th January '07 - I've been back at work for less than a fortnight and already I hate the fucking sight of the place and everyone in it. It's going to be a lo-o-ng year...

15th January '07 - Halfway throught the first month and time to enquire as to how we're getting along with our resolutions. Still off the fags, are we? Still taking that early evening jog around the common? Or have we said 'tits to it' and reintroduced ourself to that nice lady in 'Threshers'? Lightweights...

14th January '07 - I'm always amazed at this time of year when I see posters advertising the local Pantomime. I realise the market is there over the Christmas period, but a Panto will always run until February. Why? How many sad individuals can there be desperate to see Bernie Clifton or one of the Nolan Sisters? Oh well, at least it keeps them off the streets. I don't know why they put themselves through the humiliation, to be honest. After all, Pantomime is dead. 'Oh no it isn't!'.

12th January '07 - Gordon Brown has stated that he will be drastically cutting down his international travel as he too is concerned about the damage that excessive air travel is having on the climate.So that means you'll actually be spending more time in this country doing the job you're employed to do, rather than finding new ways of giving our money to Africa without our consent then, does it, Gordon? You fat, cross-eyed, sanctimonious Scottish tool.

11th January '07 - ...And following on from my witty and erudite comment of 30th December; today I saw my first Cadbury's Creme Egg of the year. I've just worked out that if things carry on as they are, then we'll all be sending 2027's Christmas cards out in August 2025.

10th January '07 - Morrissey to sing this year's British Eurovision entry, are they nuts? Who the hell (apart from the terminally-depressed Scandinavians) is going to vote for that? There's nothing like doing your homework before entering a competition, is there? I mean, last year's winners were an amusing cod-metal parody band dressed as Orcs, so this year we'll top that with...the miserable old tosser from The Smiths. Still, he could always try that old 'flower-up-the-arse' routine like he used to do on 'Top Of The Pops'. That always had me rolling...

9th January '07 - Now there's one that came out of the blue! Graeme Souness has put together a consortium and wants to buy Wolves! Top idea in my book, if only because the first board member out the door will be that useless Jez Moxey wanker. Go on, Sir Jack, sell it to Souey! He's not a foreigner out to make a quick buck, he's a footballing legend with cast-iron credentials and he's passionate about the game. Added to that, he nobbed that bird out of 'Star Trek - The Next Generation' back in his youth! The boy's a hero, what's not to like?

8th January '07 - These days, when typing in cyberspace about things you're not a hundred per cent certain of, such as a famous person's sexuality, it's always a good idea to use the word 'allegedly'. As in: 'Allegedly, actress Michelle Rodriguez from 'Lost' is bisexual' and 'Allegedly, she's having an affair with Kristanna Loken; the 'Terminatrix' from 'T3'.' I don't know about you, but the sooner they get their home-movies posted on the web, the happier I'll be. Allegedly.

7th January '07 - Look, if you're going to have a break, you might as well make it a good one. Here I am back in London after a relaxing week-and-a-bit off in sunny Wolverhampton. A nice bit of family time was had, lots of food (and lovely Enville Ale) was consumed, and I'm pretty much recharged and looking forward to 2007. New challenges, new horizons and all that crap. I'm determined to push myself a bit more this year - no more 'comfort-zone'  for Bill! First thing will be to reclaim that notch on the belt that I surrendered over the last week. Sheesh!

1st January '07 - Yes, I know I'm not supposed to be posting again for another week, but after seeing the New Year in with Jools bloody Holland once again, I find myself forced to ask all you good people to clear something up for me: That Amy Winehouse specimen - it is a drag-act, right? Right?

30th December '06 - I've just seen Hot Cross Buns in Asda. Fuck me daft.

28th December '06 - House prices rose an average of 10.5% during 2006. You're all fucking mental and thoroughly deserve what will undoubtedly happen when the interest rate hikes again. Those people with mortgages based on five times their annual salary - with overtime - are advised to start practising the following statement. Repeat after me in a loud, cheerful manner: "Big Issue!"

27th December '06 - I'm still laughing about Lib Dem MP Lemsip Oatcake running off with a Cheeky Girl. Fair play to him, if it was a toss-up between an ultra-flexible Transylvanian cutie and that old  Joker-faced bint off the weather, I know which one I'd choose. The only thing that concerns me though, is the old passport allegations doing the rounds. Apparently, Gabriella's visa has expired and she's due to be deported. Surely shagging a Welsh MP old enough to be her dad isn't the answer. She ought to pull on a niqab and claim asylum. Give her a free house, lots of free money and then maybe she wouldn't feel obliged to inflict any more shite records on us...

Boxing Day 2006 - Derby 0 Wolves 2. Now that's more like it! Like I said the other day, this is a team for the future and it's really starting to gel. Another win on New Year's Day and maybe we can mount a serious promotion push! Not bad considering the state of things when Mick McCarthy took over. I'd have settled for finishing one above the drop-zone last August!

Christmas Eve '06 - Bizarre dream last night featuring Alan Whicker, the London Underground and a packet of raspberry 'Pop Tarts'. Woke up with a boner you could've clubbed a seal with. Disturbing. Happy Christmas, by the way!

23rd December '06 - Wolves 2 Norwich 2. Do you know what? That wasn't bad at all. Despite going one down to start off with and having to claw a last minute equaliser, we had most of the build up in that game. The first half-hour of the second half was a gold and black onslaught, and if Norwich had played any deeper, they'd have been in Asda's car-park. Mick McCarthy is obviously building a team for next season, or even the one after. This is a long-term plan, and I reckon the next time we go up, it'll be for a damn sight longer than one fucking season!

22nd December '06 - Back to London, and because all the planes were grounded due to fog (like, radar doesn't work anymore, obviously), I reckoned that taking the M4 past Heathrow would be a bit quicker than sticking with the M40 all the way in. Wrong. Three bleeding hours to get from Oxford to Streatham. The most amusing bit was creeping along in two solid lanes whilst watching an empty bus lane on the right with absoulutely nothing using it. Oh, how I laughed...

16th December '06 - Right, that's it. I'm off for a few days rest and recuperation before copping the Crimbo shift at work. I've just received my prezzie from Santa (a nice new Japanese PSP!) and I've got a nice long session booked with Lara Croft. Later, dudes!

14th December '06 - Panic stations at work today as our Digital Imaging storage system collapsed. Four towers containing sixty terabytes of photographs went south, meaning that the Systems Administrator and his Software Specialist suddenly had their hands full. This provided ample opportunity for me to pop along and add the odd helpful comment every now and then. Here are some of the ones that got a reaction:

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
"I've had my Mesh system three years and never had a scrap of trouble with it"
"Have you run a de-frag?"
"It's never been right since the day it was installed"
"Can you smell burning?"
"We never had these problems with the old system"
"I noticed how slow it was when I was printing off all that dwarf-porn"
"This is what happens when you contract out to the lowest bidder" (in front of the Head Programmer)

They were still up to their elbows in circuitry at nine o'clock this evening when I left. Sometimes, I can be a real c*nt.

13th December '06 - My submission to the Forensic Science Society was a resounding success, which now means I'm entitled to add the nominals 'MFSSsoc' after my name on professional correspondence, making a total of sixteen letters I could stick on a business card if I was sad and insecure enough to be bothered about this sort of thing. Letters after your name are a load of cods. Let's face it, the only ones that look the biz are 'PhD', other than that, all the BAs and BScs in the world are irrelevant after ten years of a Labour Government. The phrase 'free with cereal packets' springs irresistably to mind...

12th December '06 - Ricky Gervais, eh? 'The Office', 'Extras', and now 'Flanimals'. Wow. Is there no start to this man's talent?

11th December '06 - Every year about this time as I go about the happy task of loading up the credit card, I find myself reaching the same conclusion, and it's along the lines of 'Well, if everyone else is having a present, I'm going to have one, too'. I've just got off the phone from ordering it and I'll be able to pick it up next Wednesday. My very own thirty-six pint barrel of 'Enville Old Porter'. Woo-hoo!

10th December '06 - Jazzed the 'MySpace' page up for all nice and festive for Christmas. Go on, you know you want to.

9th December '06 - Wolves 1 Leicester 2. "If you don't want to come Christmas shopping with us, you could always go to the match", was the way Herself put it this afternoon. A quick spot of mental arithmatic followed. Did I a.) Shuffle round Asda for two hours with the Legion of the Damned or b.) Dive across the car-park into Molineux to watch the boys stuff those blue tossers from up the road? With hindsight, I think I may have made the wrong call. Apparently, there was an interesting stacked display of tinned biscuits on aisle nine. It was bound to have been more entertaining than the embarrassing fucking spectacle I sat through...

7th December '06 - Just when you thought 'Star Trek' was dead and buried after the awful 'Enterprise' killed the golden goose, we hear that J.J. Abrams, the creator of 'Lost' is planning to bring it back. Word is, he's interested in a 'Kirk & Spock - The Early Years' angle and that Ben Affleck is pencilled in for the role of old James T. Dear oh dear. How dull does that sound? I don't see a problem with bringing back some sort of Trekkie product, but I'd be more inclined to go with the 'Seven Of Nine Tries On Her Entire Range Of Spandex Catsuits One After The Other' kind of approach...

6th December '06 - Can anyone explain to me why I can get a can of air-freshener, which is basically compressed air and a few drops of cheap scent, for 29p from the local hardware store, but a can of compressed air on it's own (for cleaning curcuit-boards) is seven bloody quid?

5th December '06 - That's got to be some sort of record. I didn't hear the dulcet tones of Noddy Holder for the first time this year until today. Is he ill or something?

4th December '06 - Today was the final day for any overtime to be worked in my unit before the ban comes into effect tomorrow morning. We can still work over, it's just that we won't get paid in money, we'll have to take TOIL instead. Yeah, right. Still, made the most of it though. I started at seven in the morning and knocked off at half-ten. At night. Bandit? Who's a bandit?

3rd December '06 - Southend 0 Wolves 1. I should bloody well think so, too.

2nd December '06 - Time for a festive theme. Christmas Lara will be smiling down upon you all until after the holidays. She's even got you a present, too - the news that the next game - 'Anniversary' -  will be a revamp of the original 'Tomb Raider' from 1996, only featuring graphics and gameplay by the same Crystal Dynamics team behind 'Legend'. Watch this space for news, it's going to rock. Unlike a certain film I could mention. Angelina who?

1st December '06 - You know, when it comes down to it, I find I'm a man of very simple pleasures. The chocolate Wolverine I found in my 'Marvel' Advent Calendar this morning put a big smile on my face as I sipped my breakfast coffee. The fact that this turned out to be the highlight of the entire twenty-four hour period, however, speaks volumes...

30th November '06 - Congratulations to my erstwhile work-colleague Daniel Kane on the publication of his first novel, 'The Fourth Movement'. 'Daniel' (not his real name, but hey, he's obviously being all Welsh and mysterious) has been toiling away on this for ages and it's a real treat to have been handed a signed first-edition this morning. Well done mate! Hope it sells shit-loads and gets you out of this circus. The rest of you can grab a copy from Amazon here. Think Dan Brown, only written for grown-ups...

29th November '06 - Occasionally I have the odd downer. Days when life in general really gets to me, which, let's face it, is the whole purpose of this site. Nevertheless, even with all the blessings I can count in my life, there are still times when I feel so low and sorry for myself that I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head and wait for tomorrow. Whenever I get this way, I console myself with this one thought. No matter how shit things are, at least I will never become the kind of sad, lonely fucker who finds the idea of an annual trip to a 'Walt Disney On Ice' extravaganza an exciting Yuletide prospect.

28th November '06 - Wolves 1 Crystal Palace 1. Dougie bastard Freedman. Every time we come up against this ex-striker of ours, the fucker finds the net. We were all over these clowns for eighty minutes until this Scottish pipe had to go and stick his oar in. Jesus, three one-all draws on the trot. Another year in the Championship, then...

26th November '06 - They've just announced an overtime ban at work due to the powers that be blowing the entire budget five months early. The ban will begin tomorrow. Fortunately, yours truly has just spent this weekend caning it by filling in for a sick colleague. Woo-hoo! Lovely wedge!

25th November '06 - If there's anything more amusing than sitting on a polished wooden floor and farting explosively, I don't know what it is. It's even better when you live on the first floor and know that your neighbour's dining table is directly below your target zone. Top fun!

24th November '06 - AntiProduct, Borderline. You didn't think I'd get through a whole year without an AP fix, did you? Well, the new line-up is as tight and polished as I knew they'd be, and the new guys did a sterling job. Although Chris isn't quite as easy on the eyes as Marina was, he's certainly no slouch with a bass, while Ben is from the 'Animal' school of drumming (I'd expected no less). Saying that, though, I still miss The Gonk. Highlights? 'Rules We Rock And Roll By' has been speeded up again, 'Bungee Jumping People Die' is still immense, but it was 'Good Vibrations' we'd all come to hear. What can I say? Forget the Beach Boys, 'Good Vibrations' is now AntiProduct's anthem. As for their take on the Rocky Horror classic 'Time Warp' - utterly amazing! AntiProduct are simply the finest rock band on the planet right now. We, the chosen ones know this. The rest of you will find out in the New Year!

23rd November '06 - Congratulations are due to the wonderful Cassandra Peterson, who is celebrating her alter-ego's silver jubillee this week. Yep, way back in 1981, Cassandra, an actress and singer from Manhattan decided upon a change of direction and turned herself into an icon. Twenty-five years of 'the gal with the pair that makes the boys stare'. Go girl, you're a legend!

22nd November '06 - How times change! There I was reading 'Milly-Molly-Mandy' to my little girl at bedtime last night and quietly noticing how often the characters felt 'gay'. Back in the Twenties when these stories were written, 'gay' meant vivacious and frolicsome. Homosexuality was a crime against God, punishable by a long spell in a cold and hostile prison and, occasionally, some stimulating electro-shock therapy. Catching sight of Graham Norton yet again on the telly this evening, I can't help thinking that, in certain instances, things were indeed better in the Good Old Days.

21st November '06 - Wow, where the hell did that go? Today is my daughter's third birthday, which means this site is three and a half years old. Three and a half years of waffle and meaningless bullshit! Hell, that's enough for a term in Government when you think about it...

20th November '06 - Today was supposed to be the day to get down to HMV or Virgin or wherever you buy your CDs from and pony up your wedge for AntiProduct's stonking new single, a blistering cover of the Beach Boys classic - 'Good Vibrations'. It is exactly forty years to the day since the original came out, so it was the perfect release date. Unfortunately, they've put it back in order to knock out a decent promo video.  The single won't be out until the New Year now. Still, at least the new album has finally got a title - 'The First To Have The Last Laugh'. Surely the must-play CD of Summer '07?

19th November '06 - Well, it looks like the decision has been taken out of my hands, doesn't it? There I was, all concerned about having to sit through another half a year of Season Three of 'Lost', when, right at the last minute, Channel 4 lose the broadcast rights after being outbid by Sky. Oh well, Michelle Rodriguez had gone anyway, so  I'll just have to fall back on my birthday presents - Seasons Two and Three of '24'. Woo-hoo!

18th November '06 - Birmingham 1 Wolves 1. Birmingham should've won this twce over, only Matt Murray made top save after top save before Jody Craddock planted the equaliser in the 89th minute. Nice when the other side has all the shite luck. We don't see that very often...

17th November '06 - In 'Costermongers' (Birmingham rock bar) for the evening, only to get the news that 'Edward's No.8' had burned down. For those of you who don't know, 'Eddie's' was a three-floor nightclub that had been to us metalheads for the last twenty years. Each floor had a different DJ playing a different type of rock. Great place, and now it's gone. Like the Intrepid Fox. Like the Astoria. Like every other half-decent venue that isn't full of gobby, Carling-drinking wankers in Ben Sherman shirts. Jesus, I swear there's a conspiracy going on...

15th November '06 - Well, old Queenie opened Parliament again today, complete with all that 'silly old fool in tights banging the door with a stick' nonsense. Very pretty and historical, I'm sure, but is there really any point anymore? After all, thanks to this government and it's sneaky selling out of a thousand years of political tradition (referendum? What referendum?), anything we now come up with can simply be swept aside by the European Courts. Interesting to see David Cameron attempting to score points off Tony and getting roundly slapped down for his efforts. Is this the best we can do for an opposition leader? A timid, Hoodie-loving eco-warrior? Heaven help us...

14th November '06 - I've just found out that Saddam Hussein was denied the right to wear a tie throughout his trial in case he used it to harm himself. Bizarre.

12th November '06 - Are the little bastards still letting off fireworks round your way? It's weird, but there's no sign of 'em here in Streatham. Perhaps they've realised that nobody is bothered anymore, or maybe they're just too expensive for the little scrotes. The ones I bought certainly were. A huge outlay of cash for a dozen or so five-second bursts of disappointment. Sadly, that statement sounds like one or two relationships I've had...

11th November '06 - Hull 2 Wolves 0. I despair, I really do. Back down to eighth now. They keep calling this club a 'sleeping giant'. Well, after twenty-odd years of pissing around, I for one feel it's about time the fucker woke up.

10th November '06 - The first trailer for 'Spider-Man 3' has just been posted. You might want to click here for a look at what will surely be the top summer blockbuster of 2007. 'Transformers - The Movie'? Fuck off!

9th November '06 - Paradise Lost / Opeth, Roundhouse, Chalk Farm. Well, that was the plan. Unfortunately, due to Samboway's faulty inner compass, we managed to miss all but the last strains of Paradise Lost's set. Observe: "Guys, are you sure we're going the right way here?" - Sam. "Fuck knows, we were following you!" - Everyone else. Anyway, from what we heard, Paradise Lost aren't the band the once were (they were once half decent). Opeth, on the other hand, were excellent and were only let down by the weird acoustics of the Roundhouse. I'd never been here before, but can now say with some conviction that a fucking huge wooden wig-wam is not the ideal building for a band that go from quiet orchestral to balls-out Doom Metal. The weirdest thing though was the fans. There seemed to be a total lack of interest in the band despite a full-house. This was because all the guys there were teenage longhairs who felt they had to be there for a bit of cred, while all the gals were sixteen year old, interested only in dressing up as a rocker and trying to cop a longhaired boyfriend to annoy their parents with. Add into the mix the astronomical bar prices (£3.60 for fucking Fosters!) and you'll see why it'll be a lo-o-ng time before I set foot in there again. Seriously, the place is hideous. Imagine a brightly-lit wood, chrome and glass Royal Albert Hall crossed with a shopping mall. Ick.

8th November '06 - Ages ago, when they announced the making of 'Superman Returns', I wrote that the whole project was a waste of time, that nobody gave a toss about Superman anymore and that the film would tank at the box-office. Well, I wasn't quite right - it didn't tank (although only because it was deliberately kept in US theatres until it'd made it's money back), but it wasn't a huge success either. Which is why the news of a sequel this morning came as a complete surprise to me. Great, another $200 million examination of the personal problems of an invincible alien (oh and with the odd few minutes of action, if Bryan Singer can remember to drag himself away from his 'issues'.) Now this one will tank, trust me.

6th November '06 - My birthday again. Here I am at thirty-eight and feeling more and more like Eeyore about birthdays with each passing year. The plan was to have a pleasant day in Croydon mooching about the shops while they were quiet and ending up having a nice meal somewhere with my girls. Unfortunately, I'd completely underestimated the sheer amount of unemployed, shuffling scum lurching their way from one shop to the next smoking fags and pushing their bawling, Gregg's-eating offspring. Hideous. Where the hell are they getting their money from? Oh yes, I remember...clowns like me paying 40% tax. Jesus.

5th November '06 - For some strange reason, I feel compelled to put my 'V For Vendetta' DVD on tonight. Can't think why...

4th November '06 - That Euro Lottery jackpot is still rolling over. Next Friday, there'll be an estimated £100 million in the pot for some lucky stroker. I know they say that money can't buy you happiness, but it'd sure make the misery a lot easier to deal with, don't you think?

3rd November '06 - Wolves 3 Southend 1. And back into the top six again. There's nothing wrong with this team so long as they've got a rocket up their arse for motivation. They went all out here for thirteen minutes, got three goals and then strolled it for the rest of the game. I shouldn't grumble...at least this time they put the ball in the net a few times before strolling it. Normally, the loafing starts at the whistle.

1st November '06 - What the hell happened there? Yesterday, I get up for work and it's nice and sunny and fairly mild, yet this morning I can see my breath and I'm shivering at the bus-stop. Weird. Maybe the atmosphere really is as fucked up as the politicians would have us believe this week. I mean, it's like this on the moon. When the sun's up, the temperature is 107 degrees and as soon as it sets, it's minus 153. Freaky.

31st October '06 - Hallowe'en. Notice the ' there? No other bugger seems to these days. Call me pedantic, but punctuation is there for a reason. In this case, to illustrate the compression and corruption of 'All Hallow's Eve'. No doubt by the time my daughter grows out of her witches outfit (see 'Little Madam'), the whole thing will have been abbrieviated to 'Hllwn' or something...

24th - 30th October '06 - Site Down. Revamp and maintainance...

22nd October '06 - West Brom 3 Wolves 0.  Rat's cocks. Most of the possession, most of the play. Unfortunately, this wasn't until we were 2-0 down. Stripey bastards. See you at Molineux next March, you clowns...

21st October '06 - Nobody won last night's £65 million Euro Lottery jackpot, so next week it rolls over to £78 million. Can you imagine that kind of wedge? What would you do with it? What wouldn't you do with it? Personally, I'd green-light Jesus' idea for a movie that he came up with the other week...

20th October '06 - I, and a quarter of a million other Orange Broadband users, were totally without an internet connection for over twenty four hours this week. When I rang the helpline, I was told that the service was experiencing an 'outage'. What the fuck is an 'outage' when it's at home? Is it, as I suspect, some pitiful, made-up 'PC' term designed to remove the whiff of failure and culpability that would generally accompany the term usually used in such scenarios - 'problem'? Do they think that  being all vague and wooly with their terminaology will gloss over the fact that they were unable to provide the basic service all us customers are paying for? Are we all expected to curse the 'outage' and coveniently forget the total lack of apology for it?
Apparently so...

18th October '06 - I cannot believe they're going to make a fourth 'Indiana Jones' film next year. Both Ford and Connery have signed up and the script is apparently almost done. What the fuck is this one going to be called? 'Indiana Jones and the Stairlift of Doom'? 'Indiana Jones and the Nice Afternoon Nap'? For fuck's sake, Hollywood...

17th October '06 - Wolves 1 Coventry 0. What I said on Saturday? Same again. With knobs on.

16th October '06 - And with the news that she's about to adopt an African infant, Madonna seamlessly makes the transition from 'Pop Icon' to 'Sad Old Woman'. Sweetheart, couldn't you have attached yourself to last year's 'Ridiculous-Dog-In-Handbag' bandwagon? It would've been so much easier...

15th October '06 - Well, I finally finished watching the first season of '24', and was not disappointed. Easily the best bit of American TV I've seen since 'Northern Exposure' folded. The only downer for me now will be waiting for Amazon to deliver Season Two. In the meantime, I'm stuck with watching telly. Or not, as the case may be.

14th October '06 - Wolves 1 Colchester 0. Yeah, so the game was duller than a dull thing, but so what? It's another three points and we're up to fifth. Roll on next week's local derbys. Coventry on Tuesday and those stripey tossers on Sunday. Come on you Wolves!

12th October '06 - In a baffling spurt of local pride, I found myself taking up Wolves' offer of getting a new home shirt for half price when surrendering any old one. This I duly did, parting with an old-gold-and-black 'Goodyear' top from the '97 - '98 season and promptly becoming the owner of a brand new gold '06 - '07 'Chaucher' one. Now, in the cold light of day, quite why I did this is beyond me. The fucking thing's vile...

11th October '06 - This is getting stupid now. I've just seen an advert for Gillette 'Fusion', their new razor with five blades. Five years ago, twin blades were all the rage, then Gillette brought out the 'Mach 3' three-blader. Wilkinson responded not long after with the four-blade 'Quattro', and now Gillette have raised the bar again. You just know what Wilkinson's response is going to be, don't you? Where is this going to end? We'll probably be seeing a twenty-six blade disposable in the next decade - weighing half a pound,  costing twelve quid a blade and capable of carving your face off in one stroke. Get real, for fuck's sake!

10th October '06 - Damn, this '24' thing is getting good. The only thing I'm not convinced about though, is Jack's skinny lesbian-looking wife. Come on, this is Keifer Sutherland! He should be able to pull more convincing totty than that!

9th October '06 - So that was the BBC's new 'flagship' programme, was it? A twelve-year-old Robin Hood, a teenage Maybelline model Maid Marian, no Friar Tuck (wouldn't want to offend anyone by imposing a bit of Christianity, would we?) and a bunch of 'Take That' clone Merry Men. Apparently, the master tapes of this show were stolen and held for ransom earlier this year. I can see why the fuckers gave them back...

8th October '06 - My mate Jesus came up with a wonderful bit of reasoned thinking this morning. Granted, he was seriously hung-over, but his point went like this. 'Lara Croft: Tomb Raider' cost $115 million to make and the sequel, 'Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life' cost $95 million. Now, for $10 million or so, you could've got Angelina Jolie to put on a tight bikini, grab a jar full of pennies, spill them all over the floor and pick them up one by one. Film her doing this for an hour and a half, Jesus reckons, and you've got a cast-iron box-office winner. Let's face it, the core audience of teenage males aren't going to care about the lack of plot and the studio executives will make more profits from a smaller outlay. I for one am unable to knock a hole in his thinking here, how about you? The only thing that let Jesus down was his choice of title for this cinematic treat. "So what're we going to call this, dude?", I asked. "Angelina Jolie In A Bikini Picking Stuff Up" was his considered reply.Ten out of ten for accuracy, mate, but minus several million for creativity...

7th October '06 - Desperation at the complete bollocks on the telly yesterday evening, I took the radical decision to peel the cellophane off my rainy day DVDs - the complete first season of '24' that I've had unwatched in the flat for over a year . I'm now nine hours into it. Fucking hell! You can shove 'Lost' where the sun don't shine after this...

5th October '06 - Just heard the new album from everybody's favourite tubby Yank nutcase Meat Loaf. Believe me people, 'Bat Out Of Hell III - The Monster Is Loose' is an absolute corker. All the same Steinman piano-driven stuff but without old Jim producing, so that the songs are shorter, taughter and with more guitars in the mix. The title track is an nu-metal masterpiece (very 'Evanescence') and tracks like 'If It Ain't Broke (Break It)' and 'In The Land Of The Pigs (The Butcher Is King)' absolutely rock. Listen out for a track called 'Alive', too - probably the definitive Meat Loaf song. Awesome stuff, kiddies!

4th October '06 - I was toying with the idea of writing a sit-com based on the adventures of a brilliant Victorian detective who, unfortunately, suffers from chronic constipation. I though I could call it 'No Shit Sherlock'. What do you reckon?

3rd October '06 - I think it's disgusting that you have to shell out three or four quid or a ringtone in order to make our mobile stand out from the crowd. I recently decided on Motorhead's 'Ace Of Spades' as my noise of choice and, having spent my wedge in good faith, was briefly stuck with a piss-poor rendition of the song in question until I came up with something better. Luckily, my new all-singing-all-dancing Samsung jobbie allows me to pick anything I choose as a ring tone, so in the end, I used the actual song in question (via mp3) rather than a crap, tinny re-working but it was a close call. Could've been worse. Herself has just downloaded a really shite 'Scissor Sisters' rip-off for her tune. Bleurgh! Some people just have no taste whatsoever...

2nd October '06 - I'm trying to think of a catchy new superlative for Charlotte Church now that 'Voice Of An Angel' has passed it's usefulness. At the moment, it's a toss-up between 'Mouth Of A Sewer' and 'Body Of A Walrus'. Anyone care to call it?

1st October '06 - What a wonderful drive back to London we had today! Herself insisted on field-testing the new 'Scissor Sisters' album (in my opinion, they're merely 'K.C. and the Sunshine Band' with extra homosexuals; thirty years late and oh so tired), my daughter decided to steadfastly refuse her lunchtime nap and so stayed awake grizzling all the way from Birmingham to Earls Court, the weather varied from pissing down to really fucking pissing down and to add insult to injury, the M6 was coned off from the M54 to the M5. Five and a half sodding hours it took to drive 130 miles. Funnily enough, I have a headache now. Oh well, at least 'Jane Eyre' is on later. A bit of intelligence and sanity to round the day off...

30th September '06 - Cardiff 4 Wolves 0. Rat's cocks. What the bloody hell are Cardiff doing in the Championship anyway? They're Welsh, for God's sake! Shouldn't they be in the 'Konica League Of Wales' or something? Sheesh...

29th September '06 - Memo to Ulrika Jonsson.: Yes, all that jogging has really paid off, hasn't it? You do indeed have the buttocks of a twenty-year-old, which is why you no doubt felt the urge to flash your nicely-toned arse at the paparazzi last night. Well done you! Perhaps now might be a good time to pick up that chest-expander as well, seeing as your lils now appear to be halfway to your knees...

27th September '06 - Argh! Series Two of 'Lost' bowed out last night and I'm still none the wiser! Are Eko and Locke dead? Where are they taking Kate, Sawyer and Jack? Will Hurley ever get any thinner? Argh! Worse, I've got to wait until next year to find out what happens next. This has got to be the most infuriating programme ever made. I wish I'd never starting watching the bloody thing!

26th September '06 - Arsecakes! I've managed to crack yet another bloody tooth on the pumpkin seeds that I add to my morning porridge. That's twice this year! Jeez, there's another payslip winging it's way to my dentist...Still, my cholesterol levels should be alright next time I get a check-up. If I carry on like this, I'll have no fucking teeth left to eat anything harmful...

25th September '06 - Sir Paul McCarsehole says that he's had enough of moping about and wants to put things behind him and get on with "living with a capital 'L'." Fine by me, dude, so long as that doesn't involve you setting foot in a recording studio again, because, let's face it, everything you've done since 1970 has been bollocks with a capital 'B', hasn't it?

24th September '06 - Sports news now, and some men who hit little white balls with sticks have just beaten some other men who hit little white balls with sticks, one of whom was called 'Tiger' or something. Yawn.

23rd September '06 - Wolves 2 Stoke 0. Now that's more like it. Back to winning ways and back into the top six. I reckon we're far enough along now to make a prediction, and my prediction is this: we're going up, kiddies!

21st September '06 - I've gone and got one of these all-singing, all-dancing 3G phones that I've always resisted; you know, one of those camera/video/mp3/internet jobbies. The only problem is, I haven't a clue how to use all the features on the bleeder. The instruction manual that came with it isn't worth dick and the software that supposedly links it to the PC is all over the shop. Still, with a bit of trial and error, I should get it sussed...in about a month. Meanwhile, anyone want a six-shot photo-montage of my left leg?

20th September '06 - Poor Richard Hammond, eh? Surely if ever we had to vote for a 'Top Gear' presenter that needed dragging along on his head at three hundred miles an hour, he wouldn't be the first name out of the hat, would he? Get well soon, fella!

19th September '06 - Chris Tarrant's wife could stand to walk away with half of his fortune after his affair knackered their marriage. "Ingrid, darling, here is a cheque I've written for seventeen million quid...but I don't want to give you that!".

18th September '06 - The weather bods keep telling me that it's 'unseasonably warm' for this time of year. One of them also pointed out that all of the top ten hottest summers on record have occurred in the last twelve years. This same clown also stated that if the glaciers and ice-caps go, Disneyland Florida would find itself under twenty feet of water. I'm sorry, but is he inferring that this is a bad thing, or what?

17th September '06 - How come all the Goth birds you see nowadays are lardy little pork-monsters? In my day, Goth girls were mysterious porcelain-skinned willowy creatures in black lace. These days, they're all shouty, tubby little bints in 'Sisters of Mercy' t-shirts who weren't even born when 'Dominion' was released. Great, eh? In the 'Eighties, Morticia Addams was the role-model. Nowadays it's Uncle Fester. Call that progress? I don't.

11th - 15th September '06 - Senior Management Leadership Course (residential), Oxford - You know, it's amazing how motivated and inspired you can become after a week away with a load of grown-ups. Never mind, back to Sesame Street tomorrow...

9th September '06 - Well, last night in the 'Fox was a great night with the place rammed to capacity and everybody having a good time. I was afraid there would be an atmosphere of doom and gloom before we got there, but not a bit of it. The joint was heaving. Everyone was buying Newcastle Brown and t-shirts like people possessed, the music was loud and I was a pool god to the last, finally beating the lovely Kat two full years after she thrashed me in an embarrassing five-balls-left manner that I still don't like to talk about. The photos will be appearing on the new Photos page that I'll be adding to the site when I get back from Oxford (along with the Beer Festival ones!) Stay tuned, kiddies...

7th September '06 - Well, last night's 'Lost' was a bit of a corker, wasn't it? Michael is a very naughty boy for blowing away the lovely Ana-Lucia, but come on, you could tell always Michael was going to go bad after they found him again because he'd grown a beard. (Beards = Shifty Person according to the 'Big Pop-Up Book Of Lazy TV Screenwriting'.) So, no more Michelle Rodriguez, eh? Boo! Still, at least he also took out that mad bird Hurley's trying to cop off with. What do you mean, you don't watch it until Sundays? Oops!

6th September '06 - Apparently Ian Huntley was successfully revived earlier today after being found unconscious in his cell following an attempted suicide bid. Why?

5th September '06 - Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin has been killed by a wild animal. Hands up who didn't see that one coming. The only thing is though, he was finally offed, not by a whacking great lizard, but by being jabbed by the sharp tail of the relatively docile stingray. That's a bit like Michael Schumacher being flattened by a burger van in the pit-lane. Weird.

3rd September '06 - Loads of health breakthroughs all in one week. Boffins at St. Thomas's Hospital, London and the University of Vienna have come to the respective conclusions that beer and onion bhajis are good for you. Beer apparently contains lots of bone-preserving silicon, whereas onion bhajis contain cancer-busting properties thanks to the tumeric and the onions themselves. Fantastic news, eh? It gets better. Another long-term study completed last week at Tasmania University found that regular consumption of chillies does wonders for lowering blood pressure and stabilising one's heart rate, while over at Leubeck University, Germany, research found that people who take a forty-five minute nap in the afternoon have sharper brains and are better able to retain information. So basically, the upshot is this: Have a stonkingly hot curry with a side dish and a pint every lunchtime and follow it with a nice lie down. Hey presto! A longer, healthier life and a few more points on the I.Q. Well, I'm sold!

2nd September '06 - 'X-Factor' auditions time again, and through a combination of boredom and idleness, I found myself watching the performing monkeys for a little while tonight. Funny thing, though, whenever Simon Cowell asked one of the contestants "Why are you here?"  not one of them replied "Because I remember the first series of this star-making programme and I desperately want the fame, riches, global adulation and success that it's winner, Steve Brookstein, has enjoyed ever since." Strange, that.

1st September '06 - My favourite pub has been sold off to property developers. They're going to bulldoze it and build flats for wankers. No, I can't write about this at the moment, I'm too fucking angry. I'll compose something and add it to 'Rants' in a day or two...

31st August '06 - According to a ballistics expert friend of mine, a lump of C4 plastic explosive the size of a golf-ball would, properly primed and padded, be enough to take out the golfer, his caddy and any spectator within a ten-foot radius. What a fabulous idea! C4 cunningly moulded and painted to resemble a real golf ball and then dropped randomly into boxes of Slazenger No.1s! Tarbie? Ronnie? Gather round for the tee-off. BLAM! Now how's that for a Brucie bonus, you geriatric old tosser?

30th August '06 - There's an old saying that familiarity breeds contempt and it's certainly true in my case. Only six months ago I said to Herself, "It's nice to see old Noel Edmonds back on the box, and what a top little game show, too!" Last night when I got in it was "Not that c*nt again. Is he still flogging this tired old bollocks?" Such is my whimsical charm. As fickle as the most capricious zephyr am I.

29th August '06 - Jesus, is there no end to this fucking month? I'm broker than a broke-dick dog and there's still two days to go until payday. Cock.

28th August '06 - The last Bank Holiday of the year and, unsurprisingly, I'm working again. Funny how ever since my organisation decided to put all it's staff on shifts to avoid huge overtime bills, six of us keep finding ourselves sitting around waiting for the phone to ring on Bank Holidays when previously only two would be required. No doubt it all works out on paper to someone in HR...

27th August '06 - Wolves 1 Luton 0. I couldn't care a bugger if they're not the most entertaining spectacles Molineux has ever seen, so long as we keep grabbing three points. Ruud Gullit's Newcastle were all about 'sexy football' and they were beaten like a ginger step-child every Saturday, weren't they? I'll stick to this boring 'one-nil to the Arsenal' style of play, ta very much! Three points are three points.

25th August '06 - Have you seen the treat that ITV has lined up for your forthcoming Bank Holiday viewing pleasure? A pro-celebrity golf tournament featuring Chris Evans, Ian Wright and Bruce fucking Forsythe (why doesn't he die? WHY?) It's to be hosted by Ant and fucking Dec and it's due to run for four days including no less that nine fucking hours total coverage on Bank Holiday Monday. If this pulls in more than a thousand viewers and they commission another one for Christmas then you fucking sheep deserve all you fucking get.

24th August '06 - Chesterfield 0 Wolves 0 (AET) (Chesterfield win on penalties) - Don't care. Don't give a toss. Really not bothered. All a Cup run means to any team outside the Premiership is a load of extra hassle and the chance of picking up more injuries. Like I said before, this season is all about consolidation. Roll on Luton on Saturday...

23rd August '06 - Regardless of the revelations in last night's episode of 'Lost', I'm still trying to figure out how come Hurley is still as fat as a fucking barrel despite being stuck on a tropical island for three months. Sorry, but the hidden stash we saw consisting of a few bags of crisps and a couple of tubs of peanut butter simply doesn't wash. I reckon he must've secretly found and scoffed that polar bear carcass or something. Either that or he's digging up and eating the dead, the fat knacker.

22nd August '06 - Next time you're in 'Waterstones', have a look for a book called 'Londonistan' by Melanie Phillips. It's all about how radical Islamism is taking hold in this country because the establishment is constantly falling over itself to appease the more extremist elements of this one particular minority. Bearing in mind the ongoing events in and around woodland in High Wycombe, I found it a very compelling and disturbing read. Recommended.

21st August '06 - Much as I'm enjoying 'Grand Theft Auto - Liberty City Stories' on the PS2, I can't help thinking the follow-up - 'Grand Theft Auto - Vice City Stories' is going to rock your cock off. Shame those tossers with a PSP will be getting it first, eh?

19th August '06 - Burnley 0 Wolves 1. Keep it up, Mr. McCarthy, keep it up...

18th August '06 - I realise that 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?' is a rhetorical question, but doesn't it just scream out to have the retort 'By Turning Your Fucking Telly Off And Getting A Life' added to it?

17th August '06 - My phone went walkies today. Now either I dropped it on the bus while I was asleep or some scuzzpuck had it away off my belt. Regardless, I'm going to have to shell out again for a new one. Still, at least if I go on a contract now I can get the broadband free. The only pisser would seem to be that all the mobiles on the market right now seem to be those three-inch long flip things, which, let's face it, I'm going to break in a matter of minutes what with me being a bit of a fat-handed twat. If only I could find one with a rubber-case that could stand a knock or two. Something like the old Nokia 5140. The very model I lost a few hours ago. Arse. Oh well, there's always the hope that some good Christian will hand the bastard in, eh? Oh wait, I forgot. This is Streatham, isn't it?

16th August '06 - Yes, I know I haven't put the Jimmy Savile Beer Festival piccies up yet. Get back in your pram, they'll be added to 'Billy's Smart Circus' soon...

15th August '06 - One of the funniest films ever made is 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' and one of the best bits in it has got to be the Camelot sequence. Have a look here to see what happens when Captain Kirk and the crew of the Starship Enterprise have a go. Priceless!

14th August '06 -  Cheese-eating surrender-monkeys they may be, but you can't deny that the French have a way with words. Things simply sound better in French. People wouldn't dress up and go out for some 'new cooking', but call it 'Nouvelle Cuisine' and you can charge them top dollar. Likewise, no-one is going to get too worked up over the 'big prize', but say 'Grand Prix' and they can almost smell the burning rubber. My favourite, though, has got to be whenever I spot somebody wearing a 'Le Coq Sportif' top. I wonder how much they'd pay for one emblazened with the legend 'Athletic Chicken'?

13th August '06 - Copying DVDs is illegal. Wrong. Very naughty. So I really wouldn't want you to go here and purchase anything that would get you into trouble by, say, removing all copyright protection and region-codings enabling you to rip any film you get your filthy little hands on, because that would be bad, wouldn't it?

12th August '06 - Chris Nolan and Warner Brothers are about to start pre-production on the next Christian Bale Batman film, 'The Dark Knight'. Guess who's playing the Joker? Is it a) the brilliantly psycho, weird-looking and naturally skinny Paul Bettany or b) the tanned, muscular, mumbling one-dimensional pretty-boy Heath Ledger? Yup, you got it. They must be joking! Literally.

11th August '06 - Wolves 1 Preston 3. Oh, come on, what did you expect? Twelve first team players out the door during the closed season and poor old Mick McCarthy strolls into a job with no players, no money and no prospects and he's expected to ring round all the other managers and beg free transfers? |Three games in with one win, one draw and one loss... yeah, I'll take that. Like I said previously, the state that this club is in, the main goal for this season is survival. Anything better than that is a bonus. Leave the big guy alone, he's got a job to do. Mick, take that two million quid offer for Lee Naylor and get building. I'm the most cynical Wolves fan going and I believe in you, dude!

9th August '06 - Wolves 1 Ipswich 0. Hang on, a home win after a determined ten-man team battled non-stop and even saved a penalty? Anyone would think that Mick McCarthy had instilled a bit of pride and fighting spirit in the lads. Nice one. We'll have some more of this, dudes! Roll on Preston on Friday...

8th August '06 - Lebanon blah blah Israel blah blah Hezbollah blah blah rocket attack blah blah death toll blah blah meanwhile in Afghanistan blah blah fucking blah. There; that's saved you all having to tune in to 'News at Ten' for the next few nights, hasn't it?

7th August '06 - So Jensen Button finally wins a Formula One race, resulting in interviews on every single news programme. Are we supposed to be impressed? Pardon me, but if it took you and I a hundred and thirteen goes to successfully do the very thing we'd been employed to do in the first place, we'd have been handed our P45s long before now, wouldn't we?

5th August '06 - Plymouth 1 Wolves 1. With all the excitement of the last few days, I completely forgot about the new football season starting. Unfortunately, so did Wolves. Another draw, eh? Welcome back, lads; it's like you'd never been away...

3rd August '06 - Great British Beer Festival, Earls Court. Wow, what a day! As you've probably gathered,  my mates and I decided to mark the Festival's move from Olympia to Earls Court by taking 'Silly Hat Thursday' one stage further and going in Fancy Dress as the one and only Jimmy Savile. We couldn't have imagined the response. From the shouts of 'Wa-hey! Jimmy!' from a lorry full of builders as we waited for a bus to the CAMRA photographer who collared us for pictures before we'd even got through the main doors, the whole day was a riot. We spent as much time posing for photographs and chatting to amazed onlookers as we did sampling ale, smoking cigars and eating pies. Jimmy and Jimmy spotted a bloke who'd brought his guitar with him and persuaded him to play a 'Showaddywaddy' song for us, which we then sang along to, while Jimmy, Jimmy and Jimmy were interviewed on camera by an indie film student. Another Jimmy had purchased a load of 'Jim Fixed It For Me' badges from eBay and proceeded to hand them out to bar staff everytime he was served a particularly decent ale, while Jimmy, on the other hand, had several young ladies begging to sit on his knee for a photograph as if he was some sort of bizarre geriatric Santa! Superb! Added to that, the new venue was at least half as big again as the old one and the standard and choice of catering was just mindblowing, with more pasties, pies and gourmet burgers than you could shake a plastic cigar at. What a stonking day! Thanks to all of you who made it such a treat. Honourable mentions go to Homer for staying in character all the way home on the tube and bewildering the punters in my local as we had one for the road; to Steve L, who successfully channelled the Spirit of Savile and actually became Jimmy for the whole event; to Bill (whose wig was more Marjorie Dawes than Jimmy Savile); to Colin (more Ulrika Jonsson); to Mike (Myra Hindley); to Chris L (Fred from 'Scooby Doo'); to Steve M. (Lead singer from 'Def Leppard'); to Dan the Man (Bjorn Borg); to Pete (David Soul on HRT); to Chris M (Colombian football player); to Welshboy, whose idea it was in the first place and who conveniently 'forgot' to dress up and lastly to Jesus, who refused to lose the beard and therefore spent eight hours as an unconvincing Swedish transsexual. It couldn't have been done without you, guys! Cheers! See you all for next year's event when we'll be staging the real 'Ozzfest'! Meanwhile, I'll have a few photos posted on 'Billy's Smart Circus' in a day or two. Be afraid...be very afraid!

2nd August '06 - The Annual Population Survey has shown that more than a third (33.5%) of Londoners are 'non-white' with the figure for Inner London rising to 39.4%. This does not include asylum-seekers from Cyprus, the former Yugoslavia, Turkey, Albania or Eastern Europe. Five London boroughs (Newham, Tower Hamlets, Brent, Harrow and Hackney) now have a non-white population that outnumbers the white one. What point am I trying to make here? Only this: Carry on, Tony! Pile 'em in, wave after wave, until it's standing-room only. The sooner Lambeth joins the list, the sooner I can get myself declared a minority. It'd be nice to have the feeling that my Government actually cared about me once again...

1st August '06 - White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits - it's the first of the month. (Does everybody do that one or is it just me?) Anyway, here we are in August, well over half way through the year and I have absolutely no idea where the days have gone. It used to be that the year had some sort of structure for me; I knew that I'd be doing so-and-so this week and something else the week after, that sort of thing. Then sometime around my thirtieth birthday all the days just sort of started rolling together and I found myself looking back on events and not knowing whether they happened two days ago or a week last Thursday. This worried me for a while. Was this normal? Was I the only one? Then it dawned on me: I'd seen this before. I knew of another bloke who also started feeling like this. Suddenly, it all became clear. I have therefore concluded that I am in fact the real Arthur Dent and now all I have to do is figure out which of my friends are actually from a small moon somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and everything will start to make sense. Trouble is, there are so many possible candidates...

31st July '06 - Today sees the DVD release of the stonkingly brilliant 'V for Vendetta', so if you missed it at the cinema (shame on you!), here's your chance to make amends. Still by far the best film I've seen in the last twelve months, and I'm including the likes of 'Pirates...2', 'King Kong', and 'X-Men 3' in that lot. Go on, do your brain a favour...

30th July '06 - Did you see him? Like some sort of shiny, golden prophet, the great Jimmy Savile wafted onto my telly not once, but twice this evening. First, there was the last ever 'Top of the Pops' which was finally being canned after forty-two years (and not before time) followed by a retrospective look back on the once-mighty programme, featuring some choice observations from the great man himself. I particularly enjoyed his thoughts on the BBC paying professional male dancers to be in the crowd during the Eighties..."That could only've happened in London. If they'd tried it in Manchester, theyd've gotten a kicking. And quite right, too!" Only three days to go until we can pay tribute to this demi-god. We're not worthy!

28th July '06 - Ok, secret's out; the next single from the awesome AntiProduct will be their divine re-working of the old Beach Boys classic,'Good Vibrations'. You have been warned, people...

27th July '06 - One week to go to the Great British Beer Festival. 'Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me to pace things a little better this year and not dive straight into the Rogue Chocolate Stout as soon as I walk through the door so that I end up a dribbling mess by half past seven like I did last year. And the year before. Thanks!', Billy.

26th July '06 - Shocking to see ex-Wolves player Shaun Newton banned for testing positive for cocaine at his current club, West Ham. It just goes to show how much players earn in the Premiership, doesn't it? He'd never have been able to afford Class A substances at Molineux. You should've stayed put, Newts. You can't get done for having a pint of Banks's and a chicken balti pie on board, can you?

25th July '06 - Anybody I hear this winter uttering something along the lines of 'We don't seem to have proper Summers any more like we did when I was a kid' is going to get my foot up their arse. Fuck me, it's hot! Still, at least I didn't have to spend ten hours wearing a boiler suit in a room blacked-out with pond-liner over the windows and no air circulating whilst operating a five watt portable laser that kept tripping out from the heat every ten minutes, meaning I couldn't finish until it was too late to get to the 'Flogging Molly' gig that I'd had tickets for since sodding February. Oh, wait. I did. Bollocks.

24th July '06 - Aren't we all supposed to be dead from Bird 'Flu by now?

23rd July '06 - Bit of a kerfuffle at Conservative Party H.Q. today as it was announced that Stephen Norris would not be standing again for London Mayor. Apparently, 'Dave' Cameron feels that a 'minority mayoral candidate' would be a better prospect for the Right next time around. Hell, he should pick me! I'm white, heterosexual and in full-time employment - that's about as close to a fucking minority as it gets in this shit-hole of a city these days...

22nd July '06 - My old mate Jesus is well known for latching onto bands purely because the lead singer is crumpet. Witness his devotion to the likes of 'Within Temptation', 'Collide' and 'Epica' if you don't believe me. However, his latest find is actually rather good - an American band going by the name 'Benedictum'. Imagine a ballsy, grinding Judas Priest-a-like set-up, only with a woman doing the vox. Excellent stuff. J.C., one is most impressed! Of course the fact that the lead singer in question is a rather tasty brunette with massive tits had nothing to do with your recommendation, did it? Anyway, peasants, check 'em out for yourself here.

21st July '06 - Mick McCarthy is the new manager of Wolves and, God help me, I'm actually optimistic about our future for the first time in years. All he needs to do now is appoint either Paul Ince or, better still, Steve Bull as his number two and things will be just dandy with me. Don't get me wrong: I'm not expecting any miracles this season - survival will do, but the next twelve months are all about building. The dead wood is gone, there is money in the pot; Mister McCarthy - over to you...

20th July '06 - Hot isn't it? Virtually every bloke I saw today was in short sleeves and most were in shorts, though not your humble narrator. Not with my legs. Think 'Ernie Wise'. Anyway, like I said, every bloke today was dressed for the weather except the two old boys I saw sitting outside the pub this afternoon with their jackets on. A closer look also revealed one of them to be wearing a vest, too. Neither were red-faced despite the thirty-seven degree onslaught and neither were sweating. Now there are two possible conclusions to be drawn from this; either a) your internal thermometer gets seriously banjoed the moment you retire or b) old geezers are well hard. Must be all those 'Werthers Originals'...

18th July '06 - There was an interview with a guy called Daniel Tammet in the free paper this morning. Apparently, this bozo has recently set a new world record for - get this - reciting pi from memory to 22,514 places. I don't know who's sadder; this tool for spending months on end memorising a meaningless stream of numbers or the one from Guinness who sat next to him for five and a half hours checking for any mistakes.

17th July '06 - The whole Wolves thing is just getting silly now. Rohan Ricketts looks to be next out the door, which will leave us with just eighteen senior players on the books. Funnily enough, we lost our latest pre-season friendly  - against the mighty Burton Albion from the Conference. Can you spell 'relegation', Jez?

16th July '06 - I'm not saying things were quiet during my weekend on duty, but using Photoshop, I've managed to turn myself into a hammerhead shark on my office pass. I wonder how long it'll take somebody to notice?

15th July '06 - Now this is a killer. Somebody has recut a trailer for 'Back To The Future' to make it look like a gay love story. Check out 'Brokeback To The Future' by clicking here. Superb.

13th July '06 - Well, they're at it again: Israel and whoever it is they're lobbing missiles at this week. Surely the time has come for those of us who occupy this planet and possess an I.Q. of more than eighty to stand up and say "Right, we've split the atom, charted the galaxy for thousands of light-years in all directions and we've decided we really don't need you stone-age fuckers endangering all life on our planet anymore by continually knocking the shit out of each other simply because you have a different choice of invisible deity from your neighbour. Fucking grow up, evolve and join the human race before the rest of us declare you all sub-human and nuke the fucking lot of you until you glow." Somebody please find an alternative to oil quickly. That way we could eradicate that whole fucked-up middle third of the globe in one go, chalk it up to experience and get on with developing as a species...

12th July '06 - Another two senior team players were sold by Wolves yesterday, as Seol and Kennedy packed their bags for moves to Reading and Palace respectively. This takes the total of first-team players who have left the club in the close season to ten. Meanwhile, what's left of the squad were held to a goalless draw at non-league Telford last night. Last year, I had a £20 bet on us being promoted to the Premiership. This time, I may have a flutter on us being relegated to Division One by Christmas; that is, if any of the bookies are offering odds on such a foregone conclusion...

11th July '06 - I'm sick of hearing people bleat about the apparent shortage of organ donors, especially when I've tried to shift this shonky Casio of mine on eBay three times now...

10th July '06 - Well it turns out that 'Half Life 2 - Episode One' is a bit of a corker. The first thing you do is find yourself at the bottom of the tower where 'Half Life 2' ends and then all of a sudden, Alyx and Dog show up, you get bundled into a wrecked car and Dog throws you across to the next level. How brilliant is that? Bad Dog! Wa-hey!

9th July '06 - Marvel have apparently decided to make another 'Incredible Hulk' film a mere three years after Ang Lee's totally misjudged version tanked at the box office. Word is, this version won't follow on from that one, it will instead retell the whole gamma-ray origin thing. Again. Anyone care?

8th July '06 - Does anybody else think it's about time John Motson retired. I mean, I love the bloke to bits, but if I'd've had to listen to him refer to the team as 'West Germany' once more, I'd've thrown my bottle of Beck's through the telly.

7th July '06 - Had to giggle at the title of the book I saw in WH Smith's this afternoon. It was called 'Cool Names For Your Baby' by the appallingly-monickered Pamela Redmond-Satran. One can only hope she chooses something a little less 'cool' for her own offspring.

6th July '06 - Hot isn't it? Yet when I left the house at six o'clock this morning it was windy, thundering and the rain was lashing down, so I decided to wear my jacket. By the time I reached the bus-stop, the rain had stopped, completely dried up and it was baking hot again, leaving a certain numpty carrying a bloody Harrington all day. Arse.

5th July '06 - Nice to see that nasty misogynistic racist Andy Murray 'crash out' of Wimbledon after being hyped to the stratosphere as the 'future of British tennis'. I love the way the press bandy that term about, don't you? It implies there was a 'past' to British tennis, when in fact there was a) Fred Perry in the years before anyone else started playing and b) Virginia Wade in 1977. Andy's comments about supporting 'anyone playing against England' during the World Cup, followed by his observation that women tennis players don't deserve as much prize-money as the men don't seem to have put off the legion of menopausal Cliff Richard fans looking for a replacement for 'Tiger Tim' Henman, though, so maybe we need to find a nickname for him too. How about 'Arsehole Andy'? Or 'Twat' for short. No, hang on. Bono's got that one...

3rd July '06 - One month today and the lads and myself will be in a happy state of advanced refreshment at the annual CAMRA Great British Beer Festival, held for the first time this year at Earl's Court. I hope they know what they're letting themselves in for, especially since we've abandoned the usual corporate t-shirts and are all going dressed as Jimmy Savile this time. How's about that, then?

2nd July '06 - It really wasn't his fault, but how inspiring to see David Beckham accept responsibility for England's defeat and resign his captaincy. He wasn't good enough, the men he led weren't good enough and so he decided to fall on his sword. For all those who have no idea why he did this, it's called 'honour' and stems from having a personal sense of decency, integrity and self-pride. Then again, blame and denial are so much easier, aren't they, Tony? Sir Ian?

1st July '06 - The world and his dog will no doubt be banging on about England's exit from the World Cup this evening for weeks, so I'll keep my contribution brief. Three things, then: Firstly, Everybody? Practice penalties just a little bit more, ok? This isn't the first time we've gone out like this. Let's make it the last, eh? Secondly, F.A. Chiefs? Could you please consider putting the lads in blue shirts next time, 'cos Frank is fucking useless in a white one and finally, Wayne? Grow up you silly little boy. Still, look on the bright side - bye bye, Sven.

30th June '06 - Another fine night on the lash in the Intrepid Fox and yours truly was an absolute god on the pool table, saving Jesus's arse on numerous occasions . Indeed, it only went wrong when Mrs. Jesus took over stick-duties from the Messiah. Oops. Anyway, highlight of the evening for me was the bloke who came in dressed as a pirate, complete with tricorn hat, admiral's jacket and all the braids and earrings. Not in a fancy-dress, post-ironic kind of way. For real. If only he'd have chosen to wear some boots instead of brown Hush Puppies, he'd really have looked the biz. Still, no doubt some half-cut Johnny Depp groupie took him home and shivered his timbers for him. Haaargh! Oh yes, and Gail Porter? Next time you come into my favourite pub when I'm playing pool, try sitting quietly in on place with your mates instead of wandering around the table in a giggly flock desperately hoping someone will recognise you and say something. We all knew who you were, doll, we just didn't give a shit.

29th June '06 - Now I don't wish to sound misogynistic because I love women (not as much as I'd like to these days, but there you go.) However, the fact remains that I just can't stand to see that bloody Gabby Logan woman introducing the football. Why is she there? A woman introducing the tennis, fine. Athletics - no problem. Not the bloody football, though! Ok, so her ridiculously mulletted father obviously knows his onions about the beautiful game, but that's no excuse for sticking Gabby in front of the cameras, is it? If she's there to provide expert, insightful opinion then she's failing miserably because a) she doesn't know what she's talking about half the time and b) she's a girl. On the other hand, if she's in the chair as eye-candy for the FHM readers who tune in, then, well, she's falling down there as well, isn't she? A better bet would be if ITV really had the courage of their convictions and sat a topless Keeley Hazell alongside Terry Venables for ninety minutes. Now THAT would knacker Motty's viewing figures!

28th June '06 - So it turns out that Mister Eko, the big black dude from the tail section in 'Lost' isn't a nice guy after all, but a murdering, drug-running Nigerian gangster. Why is he stuck on an island in the South Pacific, then? He should be claiming benefits here in South London.

27th June '06 - That's it. All the Cornish beer has gone, all the Cornish Fairings have gone and I'm four pounds heavier than I was at the start of the month. Ah, skimmed-milk porridge, how I've missed you!

26th June '06 - It's so-o-o good to be back at work. At least I managed to pick up a copy of 'Half Life 2 - Episode One' on the way home. Another run through City 47; this time with Alyx and Dog. Wa-hey! Pass the Gravity Gun...

25th June '06 - England 1 Equador 0. - Another boring, unconvincing win. I can see a pattern emerging here...

18th - 24th June - Wolverhampton (Loafing). There's nothing worse than coming home from holiday and finding that the weather is still glorious and you could've had another great week (actually, there are plenty of things worse than that. Frenching Shane McGowan for example, but I digress), so it was something of a relief to wake up back in Wolverhampton to find it pissing down once more. Still, at least I have half a dozen bottles of Sharp's Doom Bar in the fridge. I bought frozen pasties back, too. The holiday continues in spirit. Met up with Big Chris for the Sweden match and a truck load of ale in Wolverhampton on the Tuesday (another boring, unconvincing win) and had a very pleasant pizza and beer lunch with an old friend on Thursday whom I hadn't seen for thirteen years. The last time I saw her the conversation was rock music and Kate Bush. This time around it was Ikea and pensions. We're all getting old. 'Costermongers' in Birmingham on Friday, a lie in on Saturday morning and that about wrapped it up for this year's holiday. Oh well, only forty days to go until the Beer Festival...

10th - 17th June '06 - St. Ives, Cornwall - Holiday!  Well, what can I say? A top holiday was had by all this year. The weather was glorious the whole time and I ate lots of Philp's pasties and sank enough St. Austell Cornish Cream and Sharp's Doom Bar ales to drop a rhinocerous. I managed to sort of catch the first two England games, too. I listened to the Paraguay game in the car on the way down (a boring, unconvincing win) and watched the Trinidad & Tobago game on a big screen in a bar (another boring, unconvincing win.) Ok, so we topped the group, but it was hardly world-class football, was it? Managed to catch another play at the glorious open-air Minack theatre this year, too. We went to see 'Wind in the Willows' and it was a hoot. There we were, sitting high up on a cliff-top at the end of a scorching hot day watching the show and enjoying the breeze. Magical. Have a look here to see what I mean and if ever you're down that way, go. Thursday saw us in St. Just eating the world's finest fish n' chips alfresco on wooden benches. As soon as we finished, we got up and relocated to an adjacent set of wooden benches outside the pub next door and had some Cornish Cream ale to wash it down. Thinking about it, St. Just is very probably the finest place on earth. A small triangular area in the middle of the village is surrounded by a pasty shop, four pubs and the best chippy on the planet. There's a curry house, too. I think this must be where God has his retirement cottage. Apart from all that and the obligatory go in the St. Ives arcade (another dozen spaz-teds for my daughter from the claw machine - woo hoo!) the week pretty much involved ambling around in the Cornish sunshine and smiling at the thought that it wasn't London. If only I could afford to do this more often. Monthly would be nice.

7th June '06 - Right that's it. I'm off for a couple of weeks on the annual Fish household pilgrimage to the West Country. See you all in a couple of weeks when I'll be a stone heavier and slightly hung-over, but much happier...

6th June '06 - I still maintain that Formula 1 is one of the most bone-crushingly tedious sports on the planet due, in the main, to everybody having to adhere to the same rigid rules regarding construction and performance. Nevertheless, I had a bit of a brainwave last night as to how to make things interesting again. Do away with all the technical limitations and allow the racers to do any modifications they like to their vehicles. For example; should somebody wish to add a jet-turbine to their car than they should be allowed to. If they want to fit wings to it and give it a Red Baron paint-job, they should be allowed to do this also. And if they wish to grow a long, twirly moustache and accompany themselves with an evil, snickering dog, then why not? Let's give it a go, it's bound to be more entertaining than the load of bollocks we have at the moment...

5th June '06 - If you click here you can check out the first trailer for Nicolas Cage's dream project; the awesome-looking 'Ghost Rider'. Impressive, eh? Next year is looking pretty good for comic-book movies, what with this and the Spidey/Sandman/Venom face-off in 'Spiderman 3'. Can't wait! It might even make up for the disappointment of last month's 'X-Men - The Last Stand' which didn't even have the good grace to be truly awful, merely bland. Oh well, at least there's no danger of another Joel Schmacher 'Batman'...

4th June '06 - The media is making much of the fact that the Prime Minister's forty-minute meeting with the Pope yesterday was 'significantly longer' than the Pontiff usually allows for world leaders. Knowing how much Blair loves the sound of his own voice, poor old Popey probably couldn't get a word in edgeways but was too polite to get the Vatican Guard to push the smug, grinning tit out of the doors...

3rd June '06 - England 6 Jamaica 0.  Judging by the sounding of car-horns and drunken shouts from the boozers as I made my way along Streatham High Road this afternoon, you could be forgiven for thinking that we'd already got the Jules Rimet in the bag. I don't wan't to piss on anybody's strawberrys here, 'cos I think England have got as good a chance as anybody this time round, but the Reggae Boyz ain't Brazil, know what I mean? Let's not get too carried away just yet...

2nd June '06 - Ok, so they're currently filming 'Spiderman 3' and the God-awful Kirsten Dunst is back as Mary Jane Watson once more. However, nobody told me that the lovely Bryce Dallas Howard has been signed up to play poor Gwen Stacy. Anyone like to tell me why, after casting a natural blonde to play a redhead for the last two movies, they now decide to pick a natural redhead to play a blonde?

1st June '06 - Stuck on the M1 for four hours in a van that could only receive bloody Magic FM recently, I found myself finally able to offer a definitive answer to Boy George's rhetorical question from 1982. 'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?' Yes, George, I do.

31st May '06 - Why do we always refer to it as wanting to 'sleep with someone'? Sleeping with someone is the last thing I'd want to do. Staying awake with them and indulging in lots of filthy, hot degrading sex, yes, but not 'sleeping'...

29th May '06 - Another Bank Holiday, and have you all got the urge to run out and buy a nasty leather sofa simply because some washed-up nobber who used to be in Spandau Ballet has spent every fucking ad-break over the last few days wobbling on about the 'amazing savings' to be had? No? Funnily enough, neither have I...

28th May '06 - You'd never guess, but I have a certain attribute that no other creature apart form the horse possesses (easy, ladies!) It's the innate ability to assume a state between waking and sleep at a moment's notice. Horses do it all the time on sentry duty and I've got it down to a fine art in management meetings. Eyes open, back straight, nice and still, and...zzzz. So long as I refrain from crapping on the Conference Room carpet, I should get away with this for the rest of my career.

27th May '06 - Seeing as how Trisha Goddard was a teenage single mother and Jeremy Kyle fucked off with somebody else's wife not long after getting them together as a stunt on his tawdry little radio show, what gives them the right to pontificate to the poor, unfortunate pond-life that infest their programmes every morning? Not much of a moral high ground to preach from, is it guys?

26th May '06 - If you've got a couple of spare dollars knocking around in your Russian mp3 site account, you could do a lot worse than download 'The Smell Of Rain' by Norwegian darkwave elf-thing Mortiis. It's an absolute cracker - a powerful, brooding, melancholy mix of Sisters of Mercy, Enigma and Rob Zombie-type sounds. Gorgeous.

25th May '06 - I have a question for 'Gardener's Question Time' on the radio, but I don't think they'll air it. It's along the lines of 'why don't you go and do something more interesting and worthwhile with what's left of your empty little lives instead of pissing about with the flowers, you sad, lonely old fools?' What do you think, shall I submit it anyway?

23rd May '06 - Given the fact that well over two hundred episodes of 'The Simpsons' have been made so far, can anybody tell me why Channel Four insist on showing the same fucking dozen week after week? Ok, so 'Burns runs Bart over' 'Homer joins the Stonecutters' and 'Lisa gets married' are all classics, but do we really need to memorise the scripts?

22nd May '06 - Mickey Mouse's girlfriend, Minnie - what's going on there, then? How come she looks exactly the same as him except she has a bow behind her ears? (Why? She's got no hair!) I reckon the whole thing is a ruse and it's really him cross-dressing. Either that or he's a narcissistic little bastard who deliberately set out to find a missus that looked the spitting image of himself. The whole things a bit disturbing if you ask me...

21st May '06 - Ha! The Finnish Orcs won Eurovision! 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' caned the opposition out of sight and our wanky little rap number came nineteenth out of twenty-four. I know I really shouldn't post anything about this considering how gay it is for a grown man to even mention Eurovision, but come on! A bunch of Satanic Orc-things wearing four-foot high boots and armour-plating - what's not to like? Lordi himself even had retractable leather demon wings, too! As for the rest of the band...well, it was the best I've ever seen Sporty looking,!

20th May '06 - Has anyone else clocked 'Lordi', Finland's entry for this year's Eurovision? They're a heavy metal band who dress up in Orc clothing and wear terrifying facial prosthetics. When I first saw them, I thought how cool it was that a country finally had the balls to submit something other than the usual bland Euro-pop as it's entry. Actually, I tell a lie. My first thought upon seeing them was 'Oh fuck, the Spice Girls have reformed'...

19th May '06 - It's almost embarrassing how much I'm looking forward to tomorrow night's concluding episode of 'Doctor Who'. I mean, Cybermen for God's sake! You can stuff your bloody Daleks as far as I'm concerned, the Cybermen rock! 'Delete! Delete!' Oh yes!

18th May '06 - Sandi Thom, Islington Academy: You may well have heard Sandi's debut single 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker With Flowers In My Hair' by now as it's been getting shit-loads of airplay and is officially the top iTunes download at the moment. The single itself goes on sale next week and is a dead-cert for the number one slot. The question you're asking though, is 'is she any good or another record company hype-job?' Dudes, the girl rocks. She did a cosy little hour-and-a-half set in front of about a hundred and fifty of us in the upstairs room at the Academy and she was fantastic. The single you've heard is stripped down to the extreme, she's normally more full-on with the electric acoustic guitar. The lady is by turns bluesy, rocky and well worth all the forthcoming adulation. Bye bye Misses Melua, Stone and Tunstall...

16th May '06 - Following on from yesterday's entry, I had a listen to 'Kerrang FM' today. Bit of a disappointment if, like me, you remember when 'Kerrang' used to be a rock magazine. Nowadays, it's all indie arse-kiss and this is reflected in the playlist. There ought to be some sort of law against using the words 'coming up next...The Manic Street Preachers' on an unsuspecting public, don't you think?

15th May '06 - I used to love listening to Christian O'Connell on the XFM Breakfast Show on the way into work. His mix of insane chat, great music and don't-give-a-shit attitude made a refreshing antidote to the usual FM breakfast show crap. Recently, XFM was bought out by Virgin and poor old Christian has been moved from his old London-based XFM slot to a nationwide Virgin slot. The result is rather like what happens when you take your tomcat to the vet's for a neutering. Everything appears to be pretty much the same afterwards, but you can't help feeling that something's missing. Like, no 'bollocks' anymore, know what I mean?

14th May '06 - One of those 'the way we used to live' programmes was on this evening showing footage from the Fifties of a twelve-year-old lad going for his Scouting badge. There he was, following his map to where his campsite was, pitching his tent, starting a fire, boiling a pan of water and sorting himself out with a huge plate of sausages, beans and potatoes. This got me thinking about how many of today's twelve-year-olds could demonstrate this degree of self-sufficiency. Peel a spud? Get a fire going? Don't make me laugh! As for finding the campsite, they'd all probably starve to death before they figured out the co-ordinates...

13th May '06 - Which sinister fiend is responsible for manufacturing those little plastic litre bottles that milk comes in? You know the ones; red top for skimmed, green for semi and blue for whole. Now, I can happily bench-press a hundred kilos 'til the cows come home and yet I 'm sweating and gurning and generally tearing the skin off my inner palm every time I try to open one of these things. How the hell do little old ladies cope with them? They must all have wrists like Schwarzenegger...

12th May '06 - Another sunny day, another hosepipe ban. Perhaps if the water company executives put some of their colossal profits into replacing the old Victorian London pipework instead of handing the wedge straight over to the fat cat shareholders, there wouldn't be any need for the rest of us to cut down on washing the motor and sprinkling the lawn. I bet none of their golf-courses will be turning brown this summer, will they?

11th May '06 - I've just noticed on the British Airways website that the fare to Marseilles is the same price as the one to Manchester. Fuck me, there's a choice for the last minute traveller...

9th April '06 - History time. Did you know that Viscount Castlereagh, a high-ranking Cabinet minister and former Foreign Secretary and Secretary of State for Pitt the Younger actually slit his own throat in office in 1822 during a fit of paranoia and depression following rumours of a personal scandal? Any Cabinet members reading? Want directions to the cutlery drawer, John?

8th May '06 - 'Hey Mister Tambourine Man, play a song for me...' Well, I say 'play a song', what you're actually going to do is rattle a stupid little wooden hoop and make an irritating 'shackashacka' noise whilst standing there swaying from side to side like a twat, aren't you? No, on second thoughts, don't play a song for me, just fuck off. Hippy.

7th May '06 - I was surprised to learn this afternoon that there's a bird called a 'widgeon'. Do you reckon it was named by the same bloke who'd just discovered the pigeon at ten to five on a Friday and simply couldn't be arsed?

5th May '06 - Frankly, I don't care if Season Two of 'Lost' turns out to be another six months of twisty, turny going-nowhere bollocks; its got Evangeline Lilly and Michelle Rodriguez in it this year. Wa-hey!

4th May '06 - An encouraging sight this morning. Victoria Station now boasts an 'Authentic West Country Cornish Pasty' stand. Mmm...not bad, although a few more turnips and an extra bite or two of chuck-steak wouldn't hurt. Still, weird marketing concept, eh? You've got to wonder who they think will want to eat a large traditional steak pasty at quarter to eleven on a Thursday morning. *Burp*.

3rd May '06 - To the strange people who've written in and asked questions similar to the one I'm fielding here - No, this isn't an underground marketing site, so leaving your 'vote' on the Guestbook won't count for shit as I'm just going to delete it like I do with all the other weirdos. Just deal with it and enjoy the silence...

2nd May '06 - Hearty congratulations to my old mate Samboway, whose excellent guitar contributions on the 'iCompositions' site have made him the featured artist of the month! I had no idea that all that Satriani-esque widdly-widdly nonsense was still popular with anyone outside Scandinavia! Personally, I reckon it's down to the link I posted on the home page. That picture of Sam's twin axes must've had the punters flocking in. Anyway, well done, dude! The first round's definitely on you on our next 'Intrepid Fox' visit! The rest of you - click here and check out sam's stuff - it's ace! He's the one in the photo who looks like Griff Rhys Jones's love-child...

1st May '06 - The 10:05 train from Wolverhampton arrived in at London Euston nine minutes early this afternoon. On a Bank Holiday, too. Either this was a one-off or I must've dropped through a wormhole into a parallel universe where everthing works perfectly and makes sense. Let me check the newspaper...Prescott, Clarke, Blair...Nah, it was a one-off. I'm still here.

30th April '06 - Disaster! Wayne Rooney has fractured his big toe! Well, that's it then, isn't it? There's no point in the rest of them even getting on the 'plane now, is there? Still, there's always Michael Owen...D'oh!

29th April '06 - Kelly Brook's new film is called 'Three'. Where's the other one?

28th April '06 - Dick Turpin (my dentist) and I came to a bit of an agreement yesterday whereby he gave me a new front crown and I gave him my payslip. Dick also instructed me that from now on I'd need to take serious care of the new tooth and ought to floss twice a day after brushing. Fair enough. So here I am typing away straight after my first encounter with dental floss. 'Floss'. Such a nice, fluffy sounding word, isn't it? Then again, I guess if they called it 'Razor-sharp Gum-lacerating Snag-wire' then idiots like me wouldn't get conned into buying it, would we? Ow.

26th April '06 - In case you're still of the opinion that the National Lottery is completely fair and above board, tune in to the 'live' draw tonight and ask yourself this: 'Why are there apparently hundreds of people sitting in a television studio at half past ten on a Wednesday night cheering Eamonn fucking Holmes and why can't I see them?'

25th April '06 - The competition wrapper on my packet of Jaffa Cakes is offering me the chance to win a trip to Germany with Ian Wright. There are only two things putting me off entering. Anyone spot them?

24th April '06 - This Government is there for the taking on so may issues. Crime, immigration, Iraq, the NHS; the list is endless. So what does Tory leader David 'call-me-Dave' Cameron choose to do with his weekend? Charter a private jet up to Norway to have a photoshoot on the glaciers and thereby top up his environmental credentials. Two things then, Dave. Firstly: your private jet pumped shit-loads of CO2 into the air in order for you to look that little bit greener and secondly: nobody gives a shit anyway because we're all to busy worrying about crime, immigration, Iraq and the NHS. This bloke is so ineffectual and clueless, I'm actually starting to wonder if he's not on Tony's pay-roll. Surely there must be a credible opposition MP out there somewhere? Leave your trousers where they are, Boris. Nobody rattled your cage...

23rd April '06 - St. George's Day - Know how many England flags I saw displayed today as I journeyed to and from my place of work; a mere three miles from Buckingham Palace; a mere day since the Queen's eightieth birthday celebrations? Two, and both of them were bolted to the side of the same car, a German-built Mercedes. Pathetic.

21st April '06 - Given the fun and games I had with those Morpheus-type sunglasses I bought last summer (Pince-nez. No arms. Supposed to sit on nose. Didn't.), I decided to play safe this time round and get a pair of elasticated goggle-type ones like the ones top badass Riddick wears in 'Pitch Black'. So here then is the Fish's image for this summer: Black t-shirt, black combats, black boots and funky goggles. Not so much Vin Diesel, more Vin Two-Stroke...

20th April '06 - How come it's always the wankiest songs that stick in your head for days on end? I've currently got 'Hush' by mediocre 'Zep clones Kula Shaker flitting round my synapses on a permanent loop. Why? I've not heard this played for years, so where the fuck has it come from? Aargh!

19th April '06 - I've got one of these 'Palm' things for keeping all my contacts and diary stuff together (Filofaxes are so-o-o last century, dah-ling!) and I'm constantly amazed at some of the software they keep trying to sell me for it. Like, how many Su-Doku programs do you actually need? And what's the point of a pocket of version of CorelDraw? How the hell can you create a stunning artistic masterpiece on a 160 pixel wide screen? Apparently, the most popular Palm download this week is the 'Personal Diet and Exercise Assistant' at only sixteen quid. If you've bought this, then all I can say is: Dude, put the thing down and go for a run. You really need to get some fresh air...

18th April '06 - How is it that when you talk to God they call it prayer, yet when God talks to you they call it paranoid delusional schizophrenia? I can't get my head round that. Neither can I.

17th April '06 - German soccer fans are snapping up little voodoo dolls on the internet that are dressed in England football strips with a view to sticking pins in them at crucial moments during the World Cup this June. Somebody ought to tell them that this form of psychic persecution simply doesn't work. Trust me on this. There are fuckers out there right now who still possess the ability to walk upright and chew their own food despite all the occult effort I've put in over the years. The black arts just aren't what they used to be. Personally, I blame Harry Potter, the little bastard...

16th April '06 - Apologies for the irregularity of the entries over the last couple of days. Don't blame me, blame Lara Croft. The new 'Tomb Raider - Legend' game rocks. If it wasn't for the fact that they've copied the movies and written in an annoying tech-geek who stays in touch with you via an earpiece; it'd be perfect. Oh, and the soundtrack sucks, too. Still, it's an improvement on 'Angel of Darkness'. Then again, so's a game of 'Snap'.

14th April '06 - Ooh, look at the counter! Thanks to all of you who have popped in over the last three years and helped to tip me over the 20, 000 hits mark. Haven't you got anything better to do? If only I'd been given a pound every time the clock turned, I'd've...well, starved by now, wouldn't I? I mean, you try and survive down here for three years on twenty grand. You callous bastards. Look at what you've done to me. And you never write, either. I hate you, I hate you all!

13th April '06 - It's embarrassing how I can't seem to walk past a Starbucks these days without having to nip in for a takeaway grande skinny latte with extra shot. I even add a sprinkle of vanilla to it. God help me, what have I become?

12th April '06 - In a gesture of goodwill, Italian porn star Cicciolina has offered herself to Osama Bin Laden if he will only renounce his evil terrorist ways. Speaking at a fan conference, she said "I am ready to make a deal, he can have me in exchange for an end to his tyranny. My breasts have only ever helped people while Bin Laden has killed thousands." Perhaps if the offer had come form someone other than a fifty-five year old blonde, orange-faced slapper who's had more rubber roaring up it than the track at Monza, the fellow might've been tempted... 

10th April '06 - Embarrassing incident with the iPod Shuffle this morning as I'd somehow managed to download the wrong track off an Eighties compilation album and was left with the unnerving prospect of hearing tracks by Soulfly and Rancid followed by the first few bars of an Erasure song. Scary! It was supposed to be The Damned, honest!

9th April '06 - Now horror films are nearly always shite, aren't they? You've seen one teenage bimbo stabbed, you've seen 'em all. In fact, I reckon I can comfortably list all the decent horror films I've ever seen using my own digits and I probably wouldn't have to take my socks off either, which is why the one I saw last night came as such a pleasant surprise. Go and get a copy of 'The Descent', it's a cracker. Girls. Caves. Monsters. What's not to like?

8th April '06 - 'Tomb Raider - Legend'. Oh yes. I think so.

7th April '06 - Well, I'm mortified. Somebody dropped me an email last night and had a severe pop at me for dissing Bono and U2 at every available opportunity. He (or she) was most put out by the fact that I'd been slagging off our yellow-spectacled chum without taking the time or trouble to aquaint myself with his music or lyrics and the tireless work that the fellow and his erstwhile comrades have put in for charity over the years. Ok, definitive word here: I hate the bloke and I think he's a self-publicising tool. Yellow shades? Come on! However, I have to admit he did come up with the wonderful 'Passengers' (or was that Pavorotti?) so he can't possibly be all bad, can he? Anyway, I hope that clears things up about my feelimgs toward the worthy Mister Hewson. The c*nt.

6th April '06 - Aaargh! It's here! Panic! Panic! Yes, the first case of bird flu in the U.K. has been confirmed as a diseased swan pegs out in Scotland. This, according to some elements of the media, means that a global pandemic is on the way and we're all going to die. Hmm. Quick recap, then: Total number of people killed worldwide by the influenza pandemic of 1918/1919 - thirty to forty million. Total number of people killed by the current H5N1 strain of bird flu since 2003 - one hundred and eight. Well that's pretty conclusive as far as I'm concerned. I mean, there's just no point carrying on, is there? Pass the razor blades...

5th April '06 - I've just realised that England's first two World Cup games occur while I'm on holiday in Cornwall. Pasties, St. Austell ale and international football. It really doesn't get much better than this, does it?

4th April '06 - Just when I thought celebrities' childrens' names couldn't get any more fatuous, I find out today that Penn Jillette (the big dude from 'Penn & Teller') has called his daughter 'Moxie CrimeFighter'. That's the winner for me so far and easily the most stupid and irresponsible act of parenting I've heard of for some time (although I'm not going to tell him; the fucker's seven foot tall!) Still, I'm thinking about putting the whole matter beyond debate by christening any future Fish offspring 'Fartnipple Von Shagstool III'. That should be suitably character-building for the little tyke...

3rd April '06 - According to the New York Post, ex-'Poison' frontman Brett Michaels was the victim of an attempted 'hit' last Thursday as a single bullet from a sniper's rifle shattered his windscreen in downtown L.A. I know all those big-haired Eighties cock-rockers have got a lot to answer for, but isn't this a tad extreme?

2nd April '06 - Dawn French's new West End play 'Smaller' was advertised in the press this evening but I don't think I'll be going to see it. I don't like her much. Then again, I've never liked anything Lenny Henry's been in...

1st April '06 - An email from Norton today informing me that my antivirus subscription had expired and would I care to renew it online there and then as a 'download-only' product for a mere £45? I can only assume that they were having some sort of an April Fool giggle, seeing as how I found a shed load of boxed, 'real' copies on eBay that I could have delivered for £26. Cheeky fuckers!

31st March ’06 – Big discussion on ‘Talk Sport’ this morning about what England fans should be singing at the World Cup, now that ‘God Save The Queen’ has fallen out of favour (it’s the British anthem, you see, and we need an English one.) ‘Rule Brittannia’ is out, obviously (too jingoistic), as is ‘Jerusalem’ (Christian overtones in an anthem for a Christian country? That would never do.) So everybody at the F.A. is wracking their brains to come up with an officially-sanctioned alternative. ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ is the current favourite, despite the fact that this place is neither. Personally, I don’t see what’s wrong with using the time-honoured Wolverhampton Wanderers anthem. It’s catchy, it’s easy to remember and it’s utterly appropriate for the team in question on this occasion. All together now: ‘You’re shi-i-i-t and you know you are, you’re sh-i-i-t and you know you are…’

30th March ’06 – Finally got to see ‘V for Vendetta’ yesterday after banging on about it on this site since last June. Superb. Absolutely superb. A fair bit has been altered from Alan Moore’s original book in order to make a viable screenplay, but all of it is in context and all of it works. It won’t break any box-office records, but I’ll be very surprised if this doesn’t become an instant cult classic when it hits DVD. This version of the tale is stripped down (a few of the minor character strands have been altered or dropped altogether (Almond and Dascombe, for instance), but the main sequences are all present and correct. Evey’s ‘torture’ sequence has been transferred to the screen virtually unedited and the ‘Larkhill’ and ‘Valerie’ flashbacks are just as they appear in the book (If the latter brought a tear to your eye on paper, it will do so again here.) The irony is; this was a tale written during Thatcher’s early years as a dig at Right-wing Fascism. It’s uncanny how it resonates given our current Left-wing government. Don’t be put off by the fact that Alan Moore had his name removed from the thing; He has his name taken off every adaptation of his work. Moore will never be happy with anything less than an unedited, frame-by-frame shoot of his books, which will be far too long, far too wordy and virtually unwatchable (which is why I for one never want to see ‘Watchmen’ filmed.) Anyone who is even vaguely dissatisfied with this the current political climate should see this movie while it’s still on the big screen. It is powerful and thought-provoking as well as being top entertainment. Go now and be amazed at how Hugo Weaving manages to be more expressive in a Guy Fawkes mask for two hours than Ralph Feinnes has been in his entire fucking career…

28th March '06 - For the benefit of a certain colourblind Welsh halfwit, here is a picture of my beloved old Kawasaki ZZR 600... As you can clearly see, it was a rather sexy metallic purple in colour - IT WAS NOT FUCKING PINK!

27th March '06 - I don't know about you, but I love a good 'B' movie. You know; the kind where you can leave your brain at the door and just enjoy the show. That's why I'm looking forward to Samuel L. Jackson's new film 'Snakes On A Plane', which he apparently signed up for on the strength of the title alone and actually threatened to quit if they changed it. Think about it - Samuel L. Jackson. Fighting snakes. On a plane. Come on, what's not to like? I mean, just seeing him staring into the camera and delivering the line: 'There's snakes on this motherfuckin' plane' is going to be worth the admission price on it's own!

26th Match '06 - Why do we still persist in dicking about with the clocks twice a year? They went forward an hour this morning and they'll go back again in October. This whole pantomime seems to exist for no other reason than the great Benjamin Franklin once thought it would be splendid to take his hounds for a stroll in the morning sunlight. Couldn't the bastard just have had a lie-in during the winter months and saved us all this tedious twice-yearly pantomime?

25th March '06 - Apparently, newly-freed hostage Norman Kember hasn't thanked the troops who risked their lives to release him. Furthermore, 'Christian Peacemaker Teams', the agency he worked for, has said that British soldiers were 'wrong' to effect his rescue. The 'holier-than-thou' attitude of this type of sanctimonious, born-again shagwit absolutely astounds me. Personally, I think they should frogmarch the fucker straight back to where they found him and chain him up again until he'd beaten Terry Waite's record. Ungrateful old bastard.

24th March '06 - Henry Rollins (Spoken Word), Hammersmith Odeon: Henry spent two and a half hours ranting about everything from the state of the Iraq War to suffering a macrobiotic diet for a month in an effort to shag a 'Californian goddess'. Incisive, topical and very funny. What's more, as soon as he finishes this spoken-word tour, he'll be starting another with his band. Musician, philosopher, poet and kick-arse rocker, Rollins is quite simply the greatest living American. All this and the bloke gave us 'Black Flag', too. Why can't they do the world a favour and vote him into the White House?

23rd March '06 - I was surprised to hear that Norman Kember had been released by his Iraqi kidnappers after one hundred and eighteen days. I was even more surprised to hear that he still had a head. Nice one, Norm, but don't get too carried away by the publicity. Remember - one man's 'freedom activist' is another man's 'daft old tosser'.

22nd March '06 - Peaches Geldof, the ludicrously-monickered offspring of Paula Yates and Bob Geldof and sister to Fifi Trixibelle and Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily has said that if she had a couple of daughters herself, she'd like to name them Cherry Vanilla and Angel Delight. Here we can see Peaches proving two points; namely that there is such a thing as a 'silly little girl' gene and that said gene is undoubtedly hereditary through the female line. Silly little girl.

20th March '06 - As I get older, I've realised that there are a few things that my body is getting better at. Falling asleep, for example, and producing saliva. I find myself doing both together to Olympic standards every time I get the bus home in the afternoon. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw Brixton. I tend to get on at Kennington, sit down and the next thing I know I'm waking up on Streatham High Road with my cheek glued to my left shoulder and lots of prople looking at my in a funny way. I have a sneaking feeling that I snore violently during these comatose periods, too. Worrying.

19th March '06 - A crisis of almost biblical proportions has manifested itself in the world of the Fish. I've just noticed the first grey hair in my beard. In fact, I've found several all in that little area directly below the middle of my bottom lip. Since this particular area of beard used to be home to the occasional rogue ginger hair, and it is these hairs that appear to have decided to spontaneuosly turn grey, I'm kind of unsure as to whether or not to make an issue of it. I mean, grey or ginger? It's not much of a choice, but at least grey says 'distinguished' and 'mature'. Ginger just says 'Chris Evans'...

18th March '06 - Reading 1 Wolves 1. A Kenny Miller goal? From open play? Away, against a team fifteen points clear at the top of the division? Hang on, I think I need to go and have a lie down. This rampant late charge for sixth spot isn't doing my nerves any good at all...

17th March '06 - I was out on a job all day today. My deputy and I (sounds like 'Bonanza' doesn't it?) should've been grafting away at one o'clock together with the two other guys who'd booked us for the job. Unfortunately, the venue we were working in had the telly on and it was Women's Gymnastics live from the Commonwealth games all afternoon. Lots of nubile young ladies throwing themselves all over the place. We just had to stand there for a bit and take it all in. It was so wrong and yet it just had to be done. Mmm...bendy!

15th March '06 - Being a bit of a Union man, (yes, I know. You'd never think it, would you?) I dutifully spent half of my lunch break this afternoon voting for the members of the Union Council in a postal ballot. There were fifty candidates for twenty-three places, so I had to come up with a system of vetting these fine fellows. Actually, it was surprisingly easy. Simply by binning those candidates with Sociology or Psychology degrees, I managed to whittle the field down to exactly twenty-three. Job done!

14th March '06 - A billboard advertising the PlayStation Portable had to be removed from Manchester's Metrolink tram station in case anyone decided to follow it's advice of 'Take A Running Jump From Here'. Funny, I'd have thought that leaping on the live rail would be the ideal solution to being stuck in Manchester...

13th March '06 - One saying that really gets on my tits is the unfeasibly stupid 'be careful what you wish for because it may come true.'  Personally, I'm wishing for a fifty million quid Euro Lottery win and a go on Famke Janssen. Be fucking awful for me if that ever happened, wouldn't it?

12th March '06 - Not that I watch such dross, but the end titles of 'Coronation Street' this evening featured one of those condescending messages aimed at people 'affected' by certain issues raised in the programme and offering them a confidential helpline should they feel the need to discuss their most intimate problems with a trained counsellor (or a nineteen year old psychology undergraduate doing voluntary work, whichever is available.) Given the fact that the issue in question was Alzheimer's, one wonders just who they expect to get a call from.

11th March '06 - Wolves 2 Cardiff 0 - Yes, I know I wasn't going to comment again this season but come on! In the play-off spots at last! Just in time for an away trip to Reading next Saturday. Oo-er...

9th March '06 - I read in the paper yesterday that a farm in Wadhurst, East Sussex is doing a roaring trade by offering city types a 'stress-busting' walk with a llama. They're calling it the 'Calmer Llama' project. If I knocked on their door at two o'clock in the morning, do you think I'd get to see the 'Calmer Llama' farmer's pyjamas? Just a thought...

8th March '06 - Important tip for bald-yet-bearded men like myself on these cold winter mornings: Never take a strikingly hot shower just before you leave the house in your long winter coat as that whole, red-faced 'Hellboy' look tends to earn you some funny glances at the bus stop. Even more so when they can actually see the steam rising off you. Still, at least you get a seat.

7th March '06 - My mate Greg had his GPS thing going in the car today and it didn't half get on my tits after a while. Every ten seconds or so this snooty female voice kept coming out with things like 'In two hundred yards turn left' or 'Take the next right'. I reckon these devices would be so much better if they replaced the posh-bird voiceover with, say, Jim Bowen from 'Bullseye'. That would really jolly the journey along. For added fun, he could congratulate you whenever you successfully followed his directions - 'Turn left now. Super! Smashing! Great!' And if you made a complete chimp's fist of his advice, he could flash up the map again and say 'Look at where you should've gone!' What a fantastic idea, eh? I wonder if I should patent it...

6th March '06 - Watching the Oscars, I was amazed to find that Philip Seymour Hoffman is the same age as me. It must be a tough old business...

5th March '06 - How Bill Gates has the audacity to keep emailing me with news of his new 'Microsoft Vista' thingy is beyond me. How can he be allowed to sell people a new operating system when we're all still regularly downloading patches and fixes for bloody 'XP'? Imagine if the bloke made cars. 'Well, thanks for buying your new Microsoft vehicle, we'll have the wheels ready for you next month and the beta version of the engine will be here in time for Christmas.' Git. 

3rd March '06 - I had an Out-Of -Body Experience today. There I was enjoying a quiet mooch round Wolverhampton town centre (well, somebody has to) when I realised that, due to losing two stone in weight from being ill a few weeks back (come on, I told you all about it at the time - keep up!), I seriously needed some new trousers for work because all the ones I had been wearing now hang off my arse and make me look like one of those sad rapper twats. So I'm in Burton or Top Man or one of those places when the O.O.B.E. takes place and I'm looking at a pair of beige corduroy trousers with a two-for-£30 offer on them and my brain is saying something like 'Ooh, they look nice and hard-wearing. Two for thirty quid? What a bargain!' when just in the nick of time, reality re-asserts itself once more and I'm able to make a quick getaway back into the normal world. Jesus, that was a close one. Cords, for fuck's sake! Somebody shoot me...

2nd March '06 - Oh, the guilt! Oh, the shame! Today whilst out shopping, I did a ba-a-d thing. For the first time in my life I indulged in a spot of shoplifting. I went into Woolworths to buy a newspaper when I spotted the Pic n' Mix counter and, as usual, the white mice started calling to me, so I folded the paper in half, tucked it under my arm and proceeded to spend the next five minutes merrily filling a tub with jelly babies and foam shrimps and the like. I then went and paid for the tub before calmly strolling out of the shop with the paper still under my arm. It was only when I was halfway to the car-park that I realised I hadn't paid for it. Bad Fish! Defrauding a huge, multinational American conglomerate to the tune of 40p! How will you ever sleep at night? Still, maybe it was the tang of illicitness about the whole thing, but I swear those cola bottles seemed to taste a little bit fizzier than usual...

1st March '06 - What is it with New Labour politicians and dodgy mortgages? First Mandelson then Blair and now Tessa Jowell. Typically, the Government is playing the whole thing down as usual but there was obviously something unethical going on with Mrs Jowell's husband and his Italian connections. Loan/gift/pay-off - whatever. What I can't understand is where the Tory party are while all this is going down? How come they're not screaming 'Sleaze!' at every Question Time like Tony and his chums were when they were in opposition? Or maybe they are and our state-sponsored broadcasting just isn't covering it...

28th February '06 - Apparently, a bag of Walker's 'French Fries' only contains around a hundred calories. I'm not surprised; there were about nine fries in the packet I had this afternoon. Sod that for a game of soldiers, I think I'll stick with 'Flaming Hot Monster Munch' from now on. They might not be as healthy as the other option but least there's some fucking crisps in the bag.

27th February '06 - Just how thirsty do you have to be before the new 'limited edition' variety of Coca Cola seems like a good idea? Cappuccino, for God's sake! Bleurgh!

26th February '06 - Heartfelt commiserations to any Wigan fans reading tonight. It must be awful getting all the way to the League (Carling) Cup Final only to be thrashed 4-0 by bloody Manchester United. I can't understand it. Usually, when we off-load a shonky striker we kind of get used to seeing them run riot the moment they leave the Molineux gates.  Still, this is Henri Camara we're talking about, the shirking idle git...

25th February '06 - Clearing the crap out of my locker at work is something I only tend to do every half a decade or so and only then when I'm feeling spectacularly bored and am on weekend rates. It's amazing the kind of long-forgotten stuff you can find when you get down on your hands and knees and get right behind things, though. I realise the office shredder wasn't specifically designed  for small, fluffy beanie teddy bears from small, fluffy beanie ex-girlfriends, but I must admit it coped admirably...

24th February '06 - Apparently, Sunni and Shi'ite are having a bit of a falling out and it's not pleasant, which came as a bit of a surprise to me as I didn't even know they were still married! Still, just so long as they don't release 'I Got You Babe' again, eh?

23rd February '06 - Attention gullible people! Why not buy one of those new five quid toothbrushes that have a special rubber pad on the back of their head? That way you can turn them over and give your tongue a good scrub too, which will improve your oral hygiene and make your breath smell better! The rest of us will simply carry on brushing our tongues before we mouthwash and floss, just like our dentists told us to do when we were eight...

22nd February '06 - I don't care how many BAFTAs Ang Lee's 'Brokeback Mountain' has won or how many Oscars it's going to grab; I have absolutely no interest in shelling out my hard-earned wedge to see a film about gay cowboys. I doesn't matter how well-acted or moving or poignant the whole thing is, at some point I know I'd be sitting there watching one of them slipping the other a portion of squeaky tube-steak and frankly, I could do without that sort of thing as it's only going to put me off my hot-dog. The whole thing's best avoided, I feel.

21st February '06 - The first thing I'll do when I win squillions on the Lottery is to commission another series of 'Sharpe'. Apart from being cracking entertainment, it'll put some food on poor Sean Bean's table once more. It's breaking my heart hearing the poor bastard reduced to doing those voice-overs for 'O2'and fucking 'Morrisons'. Save our Sean! He's a national treasure!

20th February '06 - You know those battery-powered mobility scooters that always seem to be blocking the aisles whenever you're out shopping? Well I don't wish to be cruel or anything here, but have you ever seen one being driven by a person who wasn't - how can I put this delicately - somewhat overweight? Instead of driving round Sainsbury's and ramming everybody's ankles, wouldn't it be more beneficial from a health point of view if these people left the thing outside and had a nice therapeutic walk around the shop instead? Just a thought...

19th February '06 - For years I've had this niggling feeling that there really ought to be something to do on a Sunday afternoon yet I've never really known what it was. You know what I mean; that desparate handful of hours between one and six o'clock when there's nothing on telly, it's too early for a bath and you know that a few beers are out of the question because you've got work tomorrow. Well, today I found the perfect way to occupy this time slot. I took the family out for a carvery lunch which killed two hours and then we all came back and sat around like enormous gorged elephant seals waiting for our distended stomachs to deflate. Finally, by about half past six, I was just about able to summon the strength to waddle to the kettle. Fantastic! I can see this becoming a bit of a weekend fixture here at Fish Towers...

18th February '06 - Another top evening of drunken revelry in the Intrepid Fox last night, but do they have to let quite so many attractive young punk and goth girls in? Everywhere I looked it was a sea of coloured hair and fish-net stockings. I spent the entire evening sounding like Andy from 'Little Britain' - "I want that one!" Not the most conducive thing to one's pool playing. I kept getting put off my stroke...

16th February '06 - Worried that you can't afford that Brit Award-winning James Blunt album? No problem! Simply stick your old David Gray CD through 'E-Jay' and play it back 30% faster than normal. Hey Presto! An exclusive set of covers from the new Boy Wonder of the so-called British music scene...

15th February '06 - Well, there's a choice of entertainment this evening. I can either put the telly on and watch that jerky, shouting Tourette's victim Davina McCall (who has inexplicably been given her own talk show), or I can go and read Dr. Seuss books to my two-year-old daughter until she falls asleep. Hmm, 'Green Eggs and Ham' it is, then...

14th February '06 - It's St Valentine's Day guys, and if you're reading this and suddenly going 'oh shit!' to yourself, then best of luck for the next few weeks, fella! The Fish meanwhile has managed to accrue some serious brownie points by arranging a full surprise Interflora assault this morning, including the optional champagne and Belgian chocolates. Unfortunately, all of said points will have to be chopped in almost immediately as I'm off for a session with Jesus this Friday and haven't told her yet. Uh-oh...

13th February '06 - Twenty-six inches of snow fell in New York overnight and yet they still had to broadcast television announcements informing the locals that it really wasn't a great idea to get the car out and go for a drive. And there was I thinking this nation had a problem with it's collective IQ...

12th February '06 - I think the BBC is getting a bit carried away with its coverage of the Winter Olympics. I tuned in earlier to hear the announcer introducing the Men's Luge with the words: 'Expect some determination, expect some excitement, expect some passion'. Well I did, but all I saw was a selection of lycra-clad twats hurling themselves down the bobsleigh run on tea-trays. Most confusing...

11th February '06 - Wolves 1 Crewe 1. This is the last comment I shall be writing this season as it just isn't funny anymore. Going one-nil down to a team that are five points adrift at the bottom of the table is as embarrassing as it is depressing. Glenn Hoddle spent the pre-match interview denying rumours that he was off to take charge of Newcastle. If I was him, I'd get as far away from this bone-idle bunch of dossers as I could before my reputation suffered any further. Abysmal, utterly abysmal.

10th February '06 - Rumour has it that Gary Oldman will not be appearing in the next Harry Potter film. Hmm...given that the death of Sirius Black is pretty much the only thing that actually happens in the turgid, wordy fifth installment of the franchise, I'll be interested to see what actually ends up on screen next summer. Or rather, I won't.

9th February '06 - Apparently, Wayne Rooney has signed a £5 million deal to write five (count 'em - five) seperate accounts of his life and career. Ok, two things here. Firstly, the bloke is twenty years of age. Even with the life he's had, how's that going to fill one autobiography, let alone five? And secondly, who exactly are they marketing these at given that Wayne's fan-base are likely to be boys in the eight to sixteen age bracket who have no disposable income of their own and, according to every survey I've seen recently, can't read anyway. D'oh!

8th February '06 - Well I must say I'm enjoying this new computer game.  It's called 'Black And White' and it basically allows me to play the role of a god. I have created a huge sixty-foot tall Lion-demon avatar to inspire and control my tiny mortal subjects, too. The blurb on the box says that you can choose whether to be a benign, caring god of an idyllic paradise or an evil god presiding over a dark realm of wanton destruction and pain. Guess which one I've gone for?

7th February '06 - For fuck's sake it was only a cartoon! I'm not particularly impressed with Garfield but you don't see me taking to the streets and threatening to cut people's heads off, do you? Get some perspective, loonies.

5th February '06 - Leicester 1 Wolves 0. And that's it for another year as far as I'm concerned . Languishing in ninth place and eight points off a play-off spot, another season of instantly forgettable, lacklustre performances comes to an end. The only person on the pitch yesterday playing with any pride and conviction was the thirty-eight year old Paul Ince and he hangs up his boots in May. The club website observes that 'Wolves are dropping off the play-off pace'. A few more weeks of this and they'll be dropping off the pools coupon...

4th February '06 - Bollocks. I didn't win the £125 million Euro Lottery jackpot last night. Still, there's some consolation - you didn't either. In fact, nobody in the U.K. won, the money was carved up between three of our European cousins. Yes, millions of pounds of British money was given away to the French and Portuguese and we came out of it with absolutely nothing. Anyone else spot a metaphor for the European Union in general there?

3rd February '06 - I was scanning the racks in WH Smith looking for this week's '2000AD' (and why not?) when I chanced upon the cover of 'Today's Golfer' magazine, which was running a feature entitled '52 Shots You Must Master'. Now, am I missing something here or what? Golf is basically a man, a stick and a little ball, yes? How can there be fifty-two different 'shots' to learn? Surely there's 'whack the bastard as hard as you can' and 'just give it a little t