5th September '10 - Some shitbag on the news just now has said that up to 1.4 million people owe the taxman up to £1500 each because a software fault meant that £2 billion was underpaid via the Pay as You Earn (PAYE) system over the last two years. By the same token, it is thought that around £1.8 billion has been overpaid and some 4.3 million people will get rebates because they've paid too much. Guess which fucking boat I'm likely to find myself bobbing along in?

4th September '10 - We have rats at work. As I opened up this morning, I say movement beneath the one of the bins in the yard. A moment later, a rodent the sixe of a custy load shuffled out from underneath dragging the remains of a chicken leg. This is worrying. I've never seen a rat in the car park before. They're normally having meetings somewhere off site...

3rd September '10 - Rumours abound that Harvey Keitel is about to take over for yet another season of the US version of 'The Office'. If there are any Americans reading, consider this: The more you continue with this show, the more money Ricky Gervais gets and the more he'll keep churning stuff out. Please stop; you're only encouarging him. Think of the bloke as a particulary annoying insect. If we all ignore him, maybe he'll go away...

2nd September '10 - I had a letter from our work's HQ today informing me that I would be picking up my long service award sometime next month. Have I really done twenty years for this organisation? Jesus wept...

1st September '10 - The type of work that my team do is very much demand led. Most of the time, I'll find myself alone in the office as the rest of the team will be out working from job to job as the work flows in. These are the occasions when I get moaned at for being a crap manager and never having anyone free to do an urgent job. Today, for the first time ever, all three of my Early shift bods, my Middle shift bod and my Late shift bod were in the office at the same time because there simply wasn't anything happening. Tomorrow, I'll no doubt get moaned at for being a crap manager and having everyone sitting around doing nothing. C'est la vie...

31st August '10 - ...and that's two-thirds of the year gone. Still, look on the bright side. The nights are starting to pull in. Give it another few weeks and the clocks will go back. Dark nights all round! Marvellous!

30th August '10 - Though it pains me to say it, there's a chance I (along with many other civil servants) may find myself redundant by the end of the year. With the spectre of unemployment looming, I have been looking around for alternative careers. After much consideration, I have decided that I'm going to retrain to be Kate Bush. Well, she doesn't seem too keen on doing the job, does she? I'm sure I'd be up to the task. All I'd have to do is sit in a lovely seafront property in Cornwall, counting my money and not doing anything. Yeah, I could handle that. If it ever got boring, I could always go and sniff my old leotards...

28th August '10 - Wolves 1 Newcastle 1. Or the 'Kick Joey Bartom All Round Molineux Show' to give it its proper title. A bruising, brutal game played by real men on both sides. Lots of crunching challenges, very little play-acting and yellow cards handed out like Smarties to all and sundry (seven for us, five for them). It was like watching a game from the 1970's and there's nothing wrong with that. A point each was a fair result...

27th August '10 - Took my daughter to see 'Toy Story 3' today. Top film and all that, but they're getting a bit fucking fresh with the 3D prices at Cineworld. Each 3D movie is an extra £2.50 on top of the normal £5.95 admission price, and the 'free' 3D glasses are now 80p a pop. Stick with this little racket when VAT goes up to 20% and you'll be out of business by March, boys.

26th August '10 - It has now been five years since George R.R. Martin signed off from 'A Feast For Crows' with the words "all your favourite characters will be along next year in 'A Dance With Dragons'"; a book which he swore he'd already written most of at the time, since 'Feast' was merely half the chapters, taken out and reshuffled. There is still no projected release date for 'Dance', which is Book Five in the seven book 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series, and George himself is in his sixties and morbidly obese. I don't think I ought to be holding my breath to find out how this whole thing ends. Pity really, it's by far the best thing I've ever read. Why should you care? Well, the whole thing is HBO's next 'adult' TV series, following huge acclaim for 'Rome' and 'Deadwood'. Look. But don't get too engrossed, will you? He's never going to finish it...

25th August '10 - Some mad woman from Rugby was in all the papers today after walking past a cat, picking it up and dropping it in a wheelie-bin. Apparently, the CCTV footage of her 'crime' has been seen over a hundred thousand times on 'YouTube', she's been subject to death threats from all round the world and now faces losing her job. The woman is both bemused and distressed by all the attention and outcry, and I must admit, so am I. "It's only a cat", she said when confronted for an interview. Quite.

23rd August '10 - I opened up my old MySpace page today just to see if anyone still bothered with it now that Facebook appears to have taken over the world. Guess what? They don't. Pity. The whole MySpace thing was a bit of a hoot a year or two back. Ah well, nothing lasts forever. I wonder if ScriptGirl is on Facebook somewhere?

22nd August '10 - John Cleese said recently that he thought that Ricky Gervais was 'the height of modern entertainment'. Fuck me, what a depressing thought...

21st August '10 - Everton 1 Wolves 1. Sylvan Ebanks Blake. No, really. We were hammered out of sight for the whole of the first half, but somehow found ourselves growing in both confidence and ability from the hour mark onwards. The last fifteen minutes were Wolves all the way. In the end, a point a piece was a fair result and we're doing very nicely thank-you so far this season...

20th August '10 - Bit of a bargain going on at the Steam website this evening. Both S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games for £6.74 for twenty four hours only. Well, it's rude not to, isn't it?

19th August '10 - Every night this week, the cowing sun has been blaring through my bastard curtains until gone nine o'clock at night. Where were you last week when I was on holiday, you great big ball of perpetually combusting hydrogen, you? Cock.

17th August '10 - Out of action for a night or two, as I'm getting the PC up on blocks again and fitting a new, larger Velociraptor hard drive. This new one is twice the size of my current 300GB version and the read/write speeds are a third quicker. Should be good for a giggle. Give me a day to fit it and format it and another to switch everything over and run a benchtest and I'll see youse all on Thursday. Namaste...

16th August '10 - Back to work. Fucking wanking bollocks.

15th August '10 - Woke up in my own bed with no idea who or where I was. Spent the day trying to surf on the computer while the sun blazed its way through the curtains in exactly the same way it hadn't been doing all last week. Arse.

7th - 14th August '10 - St. Ives, Cornwall. I had a brainwave this year. I though if we set out mega early, we'd be ahead of the holiday traffic and arrive in Cornwall in time for lunch. Unfortunately for us, every cunt with a caravan had the same thought. Eight and a half bastard hours it took. Sure, we got there for early afternoon, but after buying some groceries and having a cuppa, we were too shagged out to make use of the extra day. The rest of the week was hit and miss. Two nice days; one on the beach at St. Ives and the other at Marazion and that was about it. In between, there were a couple of duff days (one where it rained solidly, so I was glad I'd brought my new laptop even if it couldn't pick up a bloody internet connection), several nice meals out and loads of lovely family time, which, in the end, is what hoidays are all about. On the drive back, I heard Wolves win their first opening game of the season this century, which was a nice little bonus. Next year though, I shall be having my holiday in June. Less traffic, less wankers, better weather and half the price of bastard August. You know it makes sense!

6th August '10 - So that's what celebrity feels like, eh? I had no idea that there were so many people wanting to have their photographs taken with a fat, middle-aged bloke in a Princess Leia costume. I spent the whole day posing for pictures with a never-ending parade of men and women (I stopped counting at thirty!) One bloke came up to me three times. Groovy - my very own stalker! The pinnacle, though, has to be the fact that I finally made it onto the CAMRA website after all those years of Jimmy Savile, silly hats and dodgy wigs. Excellent! Anyway, apart from that, the beers were good and the live set from The Blockheads even better. Highlights? Check out 'Titanic Chocolate & Vanilla Stout' from Staffordshire if it's ever on up your way, and Yorkshire's 'Golcar Dark Mild' is worth a go too. The winner for me was 'Downtown Chocolate Orange Delight' from Wiltshire at 5.8%. Not quite as good as Amber's 'Chocolate Orange Stout' from last year, but since all the greedy fat CAMRA bastards had demolished that on trade day, I had to make do. All in all, a blinding day. Roll on next year. May The Farts Be With You.

5th August '10 - It's seven o'clock in the morning, I'm all showered and fresh and I feel like a bride-to-be, nervously trying on my new dress and worrying if it fits. Yes, it's Beer Festival time once more and no, that wasn't a metaphor - I really have just tried on my new dress and, yes, it fits beautifully. Now where's me wig?

4th August '10 - The date varies every year, but I love this specific day; the last one at work before I head off for my holiday. As an added bonus, tomorrow is also Beer Festival day! One upcoming week of fun and loveliness out of fifty-two duff ones. It's not enough. It's nowhere near enough.

3rd August '10 - I haven't had a day sick off work for almost five years, but I had to split the difference and come home mid-morning today. When you've been in the office for two and a half hours and have spent ninety minutes on the khazi, it's best to simply give the day up as a bad job and go home. It wasn't fun making the journey back to Streatham without making too many sudden movements, but I did it. A handful of Imodium, lots of fluids and some cheese on toast ought to do the trick. I hope so, it's only two days until the Beer Festival. There's no way I could face a session with a leaky balloon-knot.

2nd June '10 - I'm not a senior manager, I'm not a high-flyer, I'm just a bog-standard, over-worked, put-upon foreman trying to run a team. So why is it when I have two days off, I find myself returning to forty-three sodding emails? Forty of them were utterly irrelevant and the other three could've waited until I saw the sender next. What in God's name did we all do before Outlook was invented?

1st August '10 - I'm finally beginning to notice the light nights giving up the ghost and can actually go to bed in the dark once more. Good. Balls to Summer, it's too hot, too light and too long. That planet where Vin Diesel crashed with the twenty-two year nights? Bliss.

31st July '10 - The bastards are dicking about with the M6 again. Left Scruffy's in Birmingham at 22:40, got back to Wolverhampton at 00:30 with a bladder the size of a zeppelin. Gits.

30th July '10 - Some utter bastard on eBay has gazumped my bid for a genuine Queen Amidala electronic blaster with authentic sound effects and lights. Don't they know how much I wanted this? How dare they outbid me by fifty pee with twelve seconds to go. Little shits, I hope the trigger falls off...

28th July '10 - That's enough of July. I'm taking a break from everything but me for the next few days. I have a shiny new Alienware laptop to unwrap and I'll be giving it my undivided attention for the next few days. Back to normality on Sunday, monkeys. Well, I say 'normality', it's Beer Festival week! Woo Hoo!

27th July '10 - The miracle of travel in the twenty-first century is that it's all computer controlled and coordinated. Take the tickets I have for my train journey this weekend - they don't actually exist yet. I ordered and paid for them two months ago, but rather than send them out by post (so last century, darling), all I have to do is arrive at London Euston, walk over to a machine, key in an eight digit number and in a few short seconds, the tickets will drop into my hand. Magic, eh? Now all I have to do is remember where I wrote down the bastard number. Arse.

26th July '10 - "You ought to be carful with your website", said a friend at work today; "you never know who's reading it." I pointed out that I know exactly who's reading it, seeing as I'm the webmaster and I have a live traffic log running in the background, but apparently that wasn't what he meant. "That wasn't what I meant", he said, "I meant that you keep slagging off the management and they could be reading!" Ever the comforter, I put his mind at rest on a few things. Firstly, I never mention names. Secondly, I never mention where I work and lastly (and most importantly), it's only libellious if it's untrue...

25th July '10 - Quick tip when tarting up a dish with Naga chilli paste: When you can't remember if they said 'teaspoon' or 'tablespoon', go for the former. Ouch!

24th July '10 - With only a few short weeks to go before the start of the new Premiership campaign, football chiefs are getting worried that the vuvuzela will make the transfer from South Africa to England and that every game will be ruined by a wall of monotonous droning. Both Spurs and Arsenal have already officially banned the things from their grounds and quite right too. However, I don't think there's any cause for alarm as far as the Wolves are concerned because the fad will simply never take off at Molineux. Anyone winding up their horn for a good old toot in the South Bank is going to have it shoved up their arse inside of thirty seconds.

23rd July '10 - If I told you how much I needed a beer after work tonight, I wouldn't have time to drink it. It's been one of those months, and I shall be glad to see the back of it...

22nd July '10 - Two days running I've fallen asleep on the tube home and woken up at Morden. This tends to happen once a week at least and has got to the point where I now have a genuine two-pronged dilemma. I can either try and remember to eat something while I'm at work to stabilise my blood-sugar levels or I can simply move to Morden...

21st July '10 - One of the problems for me as the 'manager' of a team (they call us managers to make us feel better, but we have no say in the deployment or day-to-day work of our staff, so 'foreman' would be a better description, that or 'mug') is that I very much believe that a decent manager always leads from the front and never asks or expects anyone to do something he isn't prepared to do (or is capable of doing) himself. This is why, when offered a seperate office, I declined it in favour of a desk in the corner of the main room where the team works. This is also why I suspect I have gone as far as I'm ever going to go in my career. The fact that I can actually do the job of the people I oversee is frowned upon in the current climate. Today's 'manager' is supposed to tell the staff how it's going to be and expect them to comply, no matter how idiotic or unworkable the instruction. People, I'm passing an awful lot of shit down the line these days; stuff that the troops don't deserve and stuff that is starting to leave me slack-jawed at the weapons-grade stupidity of some of our decision makers. I honestly don't know how much longer I can bottle this up before I end up telling the wrong person exactly what I think of them, complete with hand-gestures, sound effects and quite possibly diagrams. I suspect this would not be A Good Thing. Still, the resulting suspension would leave me loads of time for 'Team Fortess 2' on my new laptop...

20th July '10 - I don't often have random days off, but because the Fishwife was out of town overnight, I had to do the school run with the Minifish today. By a staggering coincidence, my new Alienware laptop arrived mid-morning, too. This means that I got to enjoy a nice morning walk, followed by a few hours of peace and quiet with my shiny new toy. Lovely! Now all I have to do is pay for the bugger...

19th July '10 - Two weeks after a colleague and I finished delivering a training course for four new members of staff (who are currently attached to our unit on temporary promotions), we've had some news. Bear in mind that the course was designed to get them up to speed in our work so that they can plug the holes left in our shift pattern by the clown who put it together with too few operational staff before you take the next bit on board, won't you? Ready? Ok, today we were told that they will all be returning to their current grades and going back to the unit they came from imminently. Actually, I tell a lie, we haven't officially been told this yet; nobody has had the common professional courtesy to do that, they've simply let 'rumour control' do their dirty work for them. Ironically, this decision was taken last week while I was undergoing a leadership programme designed by the SMT to make me a better manager and communicator. The irony is not lost on me. Anyway, as a final 'fuck you'; at the same time one of the devastated, hard-working new guys was telling me all about this travesty today, their personal development manager was sending out emails with the results of their course and their final pass marks, together with words of congratulations. Truly inspirational management, I'm sure you'll agree, but no more than we have all come to expect.

18th July '10 - Tits, it's gone all hot again. It was alright the last few days. Warm, a bit of sun, a bit of cloud, but now it's back to full-on thirty degrees, sweat your cobs off time. Frankly, I'm not impressed. The heat I can (just about) deal with, it's the never-ending daylight that pisses me off. Especially when the bastard sun is still blaring its way through my curtains at nine o'clock at night. I blame those tools who keep insisting we dick around with the clock twice a year. Nine o'clock is night time and I want it dark at that point. If these people enjoy twenty-four hour daylight so bloody much, why don't they sod off to Greenland?

17th July '10 - Four weeks today, Wolves will be playing their first game of the 2010/11 Premiership season against Stoke. Man, that's come round quick. I just hope that the following Sunday morning, we're not nursing a bunch of long-term injuries after having these filthy bastards on the opening day...

16th July '10 - Today saw the second day of the leadership programme that our senior management team have forced all of my (lower management drone) grade to attend and, credit where it's due, it was very interesting and I came away knowing more than when I started, which surely is the benchmark of success as far as these things are concerned. It was all about psychological profiling and identifying what type of a person you are and therefore how best you can deal with other types. Fascinating stuff, but that only took up the second half of a two day course. The rest of the time we were watching a biography of Shackleton and judging him on his leadership qualities. I think we were meant to see him as some sort of inspirational boss who took control when everything went to rat-shit and ensured that all of his men survived. Well yes, that's one way of viewing him. The other would be to say he made a piss-poor job of his initial planning and only remained leader by threatening to shoot anyone who disagreed with him, and it was only by sheer luck that he is not remembered with the sort of embarrassed contempt that we reserve for Scott. Still, food for thought and all that. I wonder where can I get a pistol from?

15th July '10 - Bugger me, there's only three weeks to go until the Great British Beer Festival rolls around once more! I'd better hit eBay and get my outfit ordered...

14th July '10 - Due to my unit being strip-mined to fill another, more 'important', one a few months back; I only had two members of staff on duty today. They both had armfuls of new work to get into the system and when they'd finished, they had to plough through their last lot of work and dispatch it to the customers. Meanwhile, a floor above us, there was a management meeting going on. There were eleven extra cars in the yard, and even though the meeting finished well before lunch, the cars didn't start rolling out of the gate until gone three o'clock. What were they discussing? Areas to look at for cost cutting. So, just to complete the picture for you, that's eleven senior managers sitting round for a whole morning drinking tea and looking for ideas on how to save money. I've already spotted one. Have you?

13th July '10 - I had plans for today. I was going to knuckle down and get a head start on this year's staff reports. I was going to set some tailor-made personal objectives, scope out some suitable training courses for all nine of my staff and generally put together the sort of detailed, motivational package that I myself would like to receive but never have. And then I had a flashback to that patronising enforced leadership thing I was made to suffer the other week and realised I couldn't do that to the poor buggers, so I simply booted up Steam and played 'Team Fortress 2' all day instead. Prioritisation. That's a key managerial value, that is...

12th July '10 - It's amazing the feats of human endurance you can find while idly flicking through the Guinness Book of Records. For instance, did you know that the World Hard Boiled Egg Eating Record belongs to a Korean-born American woman named Sonya Thomas? Sonya is something of a legend in competitive eating circles, holding thirty-seven separate records despite the fact that she's only five foot five tall and weighs ninety-eight pounds. Nevertheless, Sonya holds the record by managing to polish off sixty-five hard boiled eggs in six minutes and forty seconds. Amazing. I flicked a bit further through the book to see if I could find who held the record for World's Most Bunged-Up Arsehole, but I couldn't find an entry. I'd put money on me knowing the correct answer, though...

11th July '10 - Playing 'Bioshock' again. Why can't I be fitted with plasmids? Why? Just one little 'Incinerate' or 'Electrocute; that's not too much to ask, is it?

10th July '10 - I had a great day today. It was just like being back in the early Nineties. In a van, driving round London taking photographs. The weather was glorious, the traffic was a nightmare, but the radio was loud and the Coke was cold. This is what they employed me to do twenty years ago. Nowadays, I fly a desk and shuffle paper, but one weekend in every four, I get to do some proper work again. It's wonderful and it's nowhere near enough...

9th July '10 - So the Dutch philosophy towards the World Cup Final was apparently "Spain are quicker than us, but we're bigger, so we'll just give them a kicking instead." Very foolish game plan, boys. I don't think Cruyff would be impressed. 'Total Football'? Hmm...I don't think so somehow.

8th July '10 - Really shit day at work today. I seemed to spend the whole nine hours apologising to a never-ending stream of people for someone else's unprofessionalism. The downside of management, I guess. When everything's going well, nobody ever congratulates you or says thanks. The moment something goes wrong, they're all coming out of the woodwork and lining up to give you a kicking...

7th July '10 - Back to work this morning to find out that my boss had remembered to put my overtime in for this month. Aces! I can now afford to eat in August!

5th July '10 - Rest Days once more. Normally when I get some days off, I choose to do something interesting, like writing something for my on-going 'personal development' programme, or tweaking my computer a bit. Today though, I have chosen to simply sit here streaming from the eyes and dripping snot all over the keyboard. That seems like the most appropriate use of my time right now...

4th July '10 - There was talk on the radio this morning of 600,000 civil service job losses. I work, technically, in a civil service unit. The powers-that-be are already talking about cutbacks. Thing is, if it does come down to redundancies, it won't be the working grades that choose who gets the bullet, it'll be our so-called 'senior management', and, given the option, do you think they'll choose to axe their useless office-bound, policy-making selves or trim the operational front-line workers? Exactly. Still, it'd be worth me getting fired just to know that certain twats will have to actually go out and do some real fucking work in the future to cover for the losses...

3rd July '10 - Apparently, it was 'Wimbledon' this week and I missed it. Oh well, how sad, never mind. I can't stand tennis and, more than this, I really can't abide that angry Scotch penis who supposedly represents our best interests these days. Young Mr. Murray was stuffed by Nadal on Friday evening. Good. If he's our great white hope, it is my most fervent desire that we British never win the title again. I would rather it be thus that see that Scotch git clutching the silverware, the fucking twat.

2nd July '10 - One last nod to the World Cup and then I'll leave it alone for another four years. Here's some international figures that Fabio Capello may wish to ponder: Colombia's Rene Higuita has only scored eight goals in sixty-eight appearances for his country. Jose Luis Chilavert of Paraguay manages a slightly worse average, taking seventy-four appearances to score the same amount of goals. So we shouldn't be too critical of poor, donkey-like Emile Heskey with his seven goals from fifty-nine England games, should we? Well actually, yes we should. The other two are goalkeepers.

1st July '10 - I hate my body clock. It will always, always wake me up between half an hour and an hour before the alarm is due to go off. When I lived nearer work, I set the alarm for half five and always woke up at five. Now I set the alarm for half four and am generally showered, dressed and sipping coffee by quarter past. What's going on? My own body is trying to kill me!

30th June '10 - I have been forcibly signed up to a year-long 'Leadership' development programme by the same branch of my organisation who paid £1200 last year for me to spend twelve months doing my NVQ in Management. Astonishingly, so has everyone else in my pay band. Today was the inaugural presentation; a typically flamboyant affair with personalised folders and a bargain-basement guest speaker. What an utter waste of my time and your money.

29th June '10 - After a really cagey and boring game, Japan go out of the World Cup on penalties against Paraguay. Here officially ends my interest in this shonky competition. Argentina vs. Brazil for the final and Brazil to win. Go on, fill your boots at the bookies!

28th June '10 - I've been naughty. You see, I really want one of those 'Alienware' mini-laptops I mentioned a couple of days ago, only I don't want to pay in Sterling what the Yanks pay in Dollars. So I checked the interweb for discount codes. I found two. A British one for 5% off and a US one for 10% off. For a giggle, I added both to the Alienware order form. It accepted them. I was then presented with the opprtunity of ordering an 11'' portable gaming bitch for well over £200 less than the UK retail price. Did I go for it? Hah! What do you think?

27th June '10 - Germany 4 England 1. The more useless you are, the more money they'll pay you, so long as you keep your head down and get on with things. Wheteher we're talking Frank Lampard and John Terry or the head of my particular civil service department - it's all much of a muchness. Sadly, Frank and co. have now been rumbled and are facing the backlash of the nation. Well, they're not Freemasons, are they?

25th June '10 - This or a fucking Apple iPad? Decisions, decisions...

24th June '10 - Good World Cup gag doing the rounds on the mobile phones: 'This tournament is like a replay of World War II - The French have surrendered early and the Yanks have shown up at the last minute. Meanwhile, it's us against the bloody Germans once more.' We like!

23rd June '10 - I've just read the last couple of posts and it reads as if I'm having a shit time at work and hate all the management. Sorry, that wasn't intentional. Actually, I'm really enjoying things right now, as I'm up at our training school for a couple of weeks using all the skills that my department has paid for me to acquire in order to pass on my professional knowledge to the next batch of bright young things. My own manager, who is a star, is simply letting me get on with it and not hassling me in the slightest with any other crap. Result? One happy trainer, a relaxed learning environment and four happy trainees. All is gravy at the moment. Watch some bastard come along and spoil it...

22nd June '10 - So that was the 'Bloodbath Budget' was it? Bollocks. As a Public Sector worker, I have no problems whatsoever with a two-year pay freeze. The economy is screwed, we don't actually 'produce' anything, so we should all be sharing the pain. However, I think things should've gone much further, like a cap on senior civil servant's pay. No-one, and I do mean no-one, in the Public Sector should earn more than the Prime Minister. He's the top civil servant, so he should be the pinnacle of the pay spine. There is also no excuse whatsoever for pay bonuses in the Public Sector, either. All that guff about having to pay the 'talent' extra in case they leave. Fine, let them. Having encountered some of the big bonus-earners at my place, I can honestly say that, without exception, the man-management and leadership skills they display wouldn't get them off the shop floor of a fucking call centre in the real world...

21st June '10 - I've worked out just how much extra I get for being a managerial grade with all the shit and paperwork that this entails, as opposed to being a 'pick up the phone, get the job details, go and do it' grade. Basically, for putting up with all the idiot decisions from above and acting as a flak barrier for the unpopularity of our so-called senior 'management', I'm paid an extra £774 a year before tax. Additionally, there is no scope for overtime at my grade, but there is for the basic-grade troops. To cap it all, in April of next year, I lose my Shift Pay, since they took me off shifts even though I've never had a problem doing them and there are not enough shift workers left now to offer a viable 24/7 service, but I digress. So, I have decided that ten months from now will be the point at which I chuck my promotion back at them and revert to doing the job they employed me to do twenty years ago. I've come to realise that I don't need the grief, I certainly don't need the 'money' and that the game just isn't worth the candle anymore. Fuck it; life's too short to pander to arseholes, especially for £5.52 a day.

20th June '10 - Today is Father's Day. As a special treat, the Fishwife decided not to think about food until seven o'clock this evening when we were all starving, at which point she simply grabbed what was quickest and shoved it in the direction of the cooker. Consequently, we ended up having turkey dinosaurs, a frozen four-cheese pizza and chicken supernoodles. It was an absolute banquet.

18th June '10 - England 0 Algeria 0. Even the Wolves would've put this lot to bed. Appalling.

17th June '10 - Pneumatic lad's mag model Kelly Brook announced this week that she is to pose naked in Playboy for a cool £345, 000. After years of protesting that she was more than just a pair of tits and desperately trying her hand at acting, presenting, fashion design and dancing, she has finally come to the conclusion that she is, after all, just a pair of tits and will now take the money and run. A wise decision, girl. Cash in quick before it all goes south

16th June '10 - I don't know what's worse; my hay-fever or the bloody tablets I'm taking for it. I can either not take anything and sit there dripping snot and wiping my red eyes constantly, or I can take a tablet and become a psychiatric ward in-patient, all slack jawed and barely awake. I wish I was a grade higher at work. I could take the tablets all the time then and no-one would notice...

15th June '10 - Right, I've almost finished dicking about with my computer. I now have one of these in front of me, which is the biz and will be even more so in September when ATI brings in 3D. In order to power a bigger 120HZ screen, I've bought one of these, which is frankly silly. There is now nothing game-wise that I cannot run in true 1080 High Def with all the settings maxed out. Even when I do, the temperature sits at around the 40- 45 degree mark. Insane! Why the big cash splurge? Well, the Gummint about to crank up VAT and the tossers I work for will probably freeze my pay or cut it by 10% or something equally ridiculous, so I'm not going to be able to go out for the next couple of years. What better reason to stay in than to indulge in some truly kick-arse gaming?

14th June '10 - Brian May, ridiculously-haired axe man for rock gods 'Queen' plays a guitar called the 'Red Special'. He and his dad Harold built it in their kitchen together back in 1964. It is made from wood which came from an 18th century fireplace mantel that a friend of the family was chucking out, and its tremolo system is made from an old hardened-steel knife-edge shaped into a V with two motorbike valve springs attached to counter the string tension. The tremolo arm itself is made from an old bicycle saddle bag carrier and the knob at the end is off a knitting needle. Despite being worth an estimated £70 million, the Red Special is the only guitar May ever plays and instead of a pick, he still uses an old sixpence his father gave him. What a tight bastard.

13th June '10 - Go and get a woman, get a woman if you can. If you can't get a woman, get a clean old man.

12th June '10 - England 1 USA 1. Why? Why is he still playing Emile Heskey? For the love of God, why? The donkey did it again; totally ruined a winnable game with his incompetence. Caught offside three times and missed two easy finishes. Postman Pat finally replaced him with Peter Crouch with ten minutes to go, but that was far too late to make a difference. What a shit game! No way we're progressing in this tournament with performances like this. Maybe that's a good thing, because although we're only two days into the World Cup, I'm already sick and fucking tired of listening to those vuvuzela horns. Ninety minutes of non-stop wasp-like droning, on and on and fucking on. I'm almost missing 'The Great Escape'...

11th June '10 - If I had feet made of cake or some other flour-based confectionery, such as doughnuts or éclairs, I'd probably spend a lot less time in the bath...

10th June '10 - A routine health check-up today, during which a nurse weighed me, measured me and calculated my BMI. I then came in for a bit of mild chastisement as it was apparent that I'd put on a few pounds since the last time, owing to just having had a week on the sofa reading and eating crisps. "Tut tut", she went, "your BMIs gone up from 26.1 to 26.3!" "Tut tut", I agreed, all contrite, "How dreadful, aren't I naughty?" Then it occurred to me that this nurse, though three inches shorter, probably outweighed me by a couple of stone. I got a bit miffed then. How very dare she? Having a pop at me for putting on a pound or two when she herself was a chubster! In fact, if one subscribes to the old adage of 'you are what you eat', then this nurse had clearly eaten a short, fat woman. Honestly. Talk about double standards

9th June '10 - Just ordered a new toy. In a day or two, I'll be upgrading my 22" monitor with Freeview (which I've never bloody watched) to a 24" 120Hz 3D monitor complete with 3D goggles. The Fishwife gets a new telly for the bedroom and I get to play 'Bioshock 2' again, but this time in 3D. Yay! Who's the Daddy?

8th June '10 - Quick tip for anyone having a blood test. When they pull the needle out and put a bit of cotton wool on the exit point and ask you to press, don't. Just keep your arm straight and gently keep the cotton wool against your vein for a minute or two. Do not press and DO NOT bend your arm - this is what causes you to bruise. After a couple of minutes, ditch the cotton wool and pop a small plaster on if you need to. That's it. Follow this and in three or four hours, ho-one will be able to tell you've had anything done. Good advice if you plan on going out in short sleeves and don't want to look like a smack-head.

7th June '10 - Back to work and two absolute fucking corkers for yours truly to walk into. First, my new boss had forgotten to come and collect my overtime form, so plain bastard pay next month, and second, a lovely sixty quid penalty charge for stalling a works van in a bastard box junction in Hackney whilst on an urgent job a couple of weeks back. I thought I'd got away with that one, too. Fucksocks.

6th June '10 - Was that it? Where's my week of loafing gone, eh? Jesus. Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed the 'Claudius' books, and am now halfway through the 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' trilogy. I like Lisbeth Salander. Short, skinny, tattoos, piercings and spiky black hair. Oh, and a dangerous psycho when crossed. My kinda girl!

5th June '10 - Fucking hell, this new season of 'Doctor Who' is shit. There. I've said it.

4th June '10 - The following represents the reaction of every single newspaper and television news programme to the tragic events that unfolded on Wednesday morning: Fap. Fap. Fap...

3rd June '10 - Some angry middle-aged fruitcake goes nuts with his legally-owned shotgun and decides to have a real-life game of 'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' in a Cumbrian village all by his lonesome. Result? A dozen stiffs and the usual round of Lefty hand-wringing. I guarantee that shotguns will be illegal before you can say 'typical knee-jerk reaction by cross-party media-whore MPs' Got a watch? Time them...

2nd June '10 - In a few short weeks, we're all going to have to pay more bloody VAT on everything to pay for the damage that the one-eyed Scotch idiot has done to the country. It'll probably be set at 20%, it may even be 22.5% for a year first. With this in mind, I decided to take the opportunity to go to Birmingham today and do my Christmas shopping. Aces - there was no bugger there! Got everything I wanted in an hour and then went to Scruffy Murphy's and got trollied on Blackthorn all afternoon. It was just like being eighteen again, only with some money in my pocket. Marvellous!

1st June '10 - I'm sorry, I thought for a moment there it was June. Jesus wept...

30th May '10 - Waterstones are doing a '3 for 2' deal at the moment, so I went and got six. This week I are mostly be reading 'I, Claudius' and 'Claudius the God' by Robert Graves, followed by the 'Millennium' trilogy by Steig Larsson with Guillermo Del Toro's 'The Strain' to finish. Loafing. You can't whack it.

28th May '10 - Bliss! I now have a week off, so I shall be taking the PC apart and having a fiddle with its guts. I may drop you all a line via the netbook, and then again I may not. You'll just have to check back every so often and see...

27th May '10 - It's been half a decade since the Bluetooth revolution, yet I still haven't got used to seeing people holding loud and animated conversations with themselves whilst standing next to me in the bus queue. I keep thinking I've got a mental patient behind me. Then again, I catch the bus on Streatham High Road every morning, so this may well be the case...

26th May '10 - I keep clocking this sign outside a local pub which reads 'Salsa Classes - Every Thursday 8 to 10'. Look people, its simply chopped tomatoes, one red pepper, one green one, half an onion, a dash of lemon juice and a handful of coriander leaves. Whack it all in the blender and hit the button. There's no way it takes two hours to get your head around that...

25th May '10 - Laughing my cobs off at all the righteous anger pouring out of the fanboy sites over the ending of 'Lost'. Regular readers of this site will know I gave up on 'Lost' after Season Two, when we'd already had two whole years with no answers. When they introduced a new set of characters (from the tail section? Puh-lease!), it occurred to me that they were simply making the thing up as they went along and had absolutely no idea of where the 'story' was going or how to end it. In fact, the only thing I could think of that made any sense at that time was that everyone was already dead and they were all on some sort of island Purgatory. I wasn't the only one to reach this conclusion, but the makers assured everyone that they had a definite story with a definite ending and that 'they're all dead' wasn't it. Except, we've just found out that it was. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth on the internet forums: "You told us they weren't all dead!," wailed the idiots who'd wasted six and a half years of their life trying to make sense of this dreck. "We lied" said the producers. Less than a day later, and the AICN 'Lost' page has over three thousand comments. Hell hath no fury like a geek scorned...  

24th May '10 - I really wasn't going to subject myself to any more 'self-development' in my working life, as there is simply no point. Frankly, I'm sick to the back teeth of wasting my free time writing reports and dissertations in order to acquire more letters after my name. No-one in my organisation is the slightest bit interested in how suitable I may be for a senior management role; they'd far rather promote people who nod their head and agree with everything they say than someone who actually stands a chance of knowing what they're doing. Nevertheless, I have been tempted back to the paperwork once more, as the professional body to which I belong has just written to me and asked if I'd considered applying for Fellowship, and so, reluctantly, I have started the ball rolling one final time. Partly because 'Fellow' is the pinnacle; the absolute top of the tree, but mostly because some more letters on my business card will piss off one or two of the self-appointed 'experts' running things in my organisation. Those that can, do, eh?

23rd May '10 - Wow. I want one. Click on 'Gallery' to see just how amazing this is.

22nd May '10 - Hearty congratulations to Blackpool on twice coming from behind to beat Cardiff 3 - 2 in the Championship Play-off Final this afternoon. A fantastic, end-to-end game for a neutral to watch...only I couldn't, because Rupert Murdoch had bought it. Never mind, I really get into footy when it's on the radio, and BBC Five Live did a blinder of a broadcast, which I had as the 'radio station' while I played 'Grand Theft Auto IV'. Looking forward to seeing how these guys get on next season. They look like they don't give a shit, which is always entertaining - especially against a top four side!

21st May '10 - If you can find them, I can thoroughly recommend these as an emergency measure for sorting out a boring pizza/curry/salad. A bit livelier than jalapenos, with a more 'up front' kick and a nice fruity after-bite. Top stuff!

20th May '10 - The one thing stopping me from buying a big fuck-off plasma telly is the fact that there's bugger-all on worth watching. It wouldn't even be worth it if I got a Blu-Ray player at the same time, either, as I only have two Blu-Ray discs at the moment. Oh well, I'll save my money. Or rather, I won't, as I don't have any...

19th May '10 - Did you hear Nick Clegg's speech today? Have a read of it here. I'm starting to get worried now. I'm not used to politicians making sense, and I'm certainly not used to them asking our opinions on how we'd like to be governed. Impressive, chap. I didn't vote for you (or your new best mate), but keep this up and I may be tempted. Then again, that twat Blair promised us the fucking Earth and look how that turned out. Also today, it was revealed that more legislation was stuffed onto the Statute books by Labour in the last thirteen years than was added from the time of William the Conqueror to 1997. Amazing. Yet the Jocks and the dossers are STILL voting for them! Wow!

18th May '10 - There are about two dozen background characters in the PC version of 'Grand Theft Auto IV', and the computer dresses them up in different outfits and sends them wandering around Liberty City as you play the game. This evening, I noticed that one of them looked the spitting image of someone I don't like very much, and it completely took me out of my immersion in the game. Instead of joining the McCready brothers in knocking off Liberty City Bank, I chose instead to wander round at random looking for this particular character and offing him in as many interesting and varied ways as possible. I spotted him sitting on a park bench having a chat, so I crept up behind him and shot him in the back of the head. There he was, crossing the road at the lights as I pulled up in a 4X4, so I ran him over. Down by the docks, I watched as he got into a boat and set off across the bay, which provided the perfect opportunity to try out my rocket-launcher. Fantastic fun! The only problem is, all my in-game 'friends' started to get so pissed off with me ignoring their phone calls that they began to blank me, which means I'll have to repeat some missions and build up their friendship again. Oh well, it was worth it to spend an evening killing the same git over and over again. The time when I pushed him onto the subway tracks was particularly fulfilling, especially as I managed to take all the money from his corpse once the train had gone...

17th May '10 - Aah, Rest Days once more! The Fishwife and I plan on dropping little 'un off at school and then having a day out. We shall do a bit of shopping, visit a museum and have a nice slap-up lunch somewhere. Should my daughter ever read this site some day, here's a message just for her: Look! We're having fun without you! Bwa-ha haa!

16th May '10 - Normally, I try to maintain a certain level of decorum on this site, so I apologise in advance for the scatological nature of what I'm about to say. Basically, I've had seven poos today. Seven. Not squitty rubbish, either; decent jobbies that were each worth the toilet time. Frankly, I don't know whether to be worried or proud. Still, all of them were curled out in work time, so that's a bit of a result...

14th May '10 - A mate of mine was telling me today about his experiences at 'Spearmint Rhino'. It may just be that I'm getting old, but it all sounded tacky, expensive and somewhat pointless. To be honest, I've never seen the point of lap-dancing clubs. You wouldn't got to a restaurant and pay to look at the food, would you? Have the courage of your convictions and hire a prostitute. It'll be cheaper...

13th May '10 - Within twelve hours of taking power, this new Con/Lib Government has scrapped the fourth runway at Heathrow, binned identity cards and torn up the plans for a national identity database. It looks like a machete is being taken to thirteen years of interfering Socialist meddling and about time too. More of this sort of thing, please..

12th May '10 - Well, I must confess, I'm very interested to see how a left-wing party masquerading as a centre party and a centre-left party masquerading as a right-wing party will get on as a ruling coalition. One thing's for sure though - it can't be any fucking worse than the last thirteen years...can it?

11th May '10 - Clever of Gordon Brown to get his wife and two young sons to publicly walk away from Downing Street with him one final time. He must've known that even the jaded old hacks of the Fleet Street mob wouldn't dare boo and tell him to fuck off with the missus and kids in tow. Aces! "Ding Dong the Witch is dead!"

10th May '10 - The 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy is now on Blu-Ray. I would be tempted were it not for the fact that this pretty much killed the thing for me and this buried the corpse and salted the earth around it. Oh well, never mind.

9th May '10 - Wolves 2 Sunderland 1. Great way to finish the season - another three points! This means we ended up with thirty-eight points from thirty-eight games. A point a match; not too bad an average, and better than the thirty-three that got us relegated in '04. Fifteenth out of twenty is still a couple of places above last (seventeenth - I'm not counting the relegation spots) and gives us something to build on next season. Well done to Super Mick and the boys! See you in August and enjoy the holiday - you've earned it!

8th May '10 - Is it just me, or is this new series of 'Doctor Who' is taking it's sweet time to get up to speed? This evening's 'space-fish vampires' one was about the best so far, but it was still a bit 'meh' and we're nearly halfway through the season. Come on, Moffat, you're better than this - pull your finger out! And if you can't, can you please put the redhead back in the policewoman kissogram outfit?

7th May '10 - A-a-and Britain wakes up to a hung Parliament. Hope you enjoyed voting, monkeys, because you'll all get to do it again within a few months, Even the dole-scroungers of Barking, who returned Margaret Hodge with a majority of over sixteen thousand. There are millions of children starving in the Third World and I now know the solution. Soylent Green. Made in Barking. Even more astounding are the people of Brighton, who have returned the nation's first ever Green MP in their ward. I've long thought the entire population of Brighton consisted of lesbians and idiots and there's my proof. When are we going to get a 'none of the above' box added to our voting slips? My God, we need it!

6th May '10 - It shames me to say that I must have broken some sort of record in 'Yo Sushi!' this afternoon. Sixteen bowls. And two bottles of Asahi. Fat, greedy bastard...

5th May '10 - George Galloway came past our place on an open-topped bus this afternoon, spouting some lefty bollocks through a megaphone. I was halfway down a rather nice pastry at the time and had a sudden urge to share it with the old bastard, so I did. Sadly, my aim was way off and it merely clipped one of the upper windows...

4th May '10 - Back to work after the most lazy and self-indulgent Bank Holiday ever. Basically, I got up, played 'Grand Theft Auto IV' until it went dark, had a bath and went back to bed. When I win the Lottery, you can forget all about cruises and foreign holidays, this will be the way I spend my time and money. A big fuck-off games room with a bed in the middle. Oh, and a barrel of Enville Ale within reaching distance. And a fizzy pig dispenser. That is all.

2nd May '10 - The makers of 'Lost' have come out with an announcement ahead of the Season Six finale; a four hour 'epic' that will end the whole thing once and for all. Apparently, the finale "Will generate a tremendous amount of theorizing" (sic) and that "There's no way to end the show where the fans aren't going to say, 'What did they mean by this?' Which is why we're not going to explain it." Roughly translated, this means they haven't got a fucking clue how to wrap it up, as they've simply been writing it on the hoof for the last five years and you sad fuckers have wasted half a decade of your life following this made-up-as-they-go-along bollocks. I think there are going to be some awfully pissed-off fanboys out there next week...

1st May '10 - Portsmouth 3 Wolves 1. Crap. Utter crap. Mick obviously decided to give Ebanks-Blake one last roll of the dice and, predictably, the boy mad a complete chimp's fist of it. Missed a sitter, poked it wide twice and generally had a mare of a game. Iwelumo wasn't much better, either. Why Sam Vokes isn't given a start, I'll never know. Nenad Millijas, too. Come on, Mick, ring the changes for the Sunderland game - then get some of the dead wood on the transfer list! Looking at you, Sylvan!

30th April '10 - It's five in the morning and I'm just about to set off for work. Three weeks into my new life in my new unit and everyone is joining me for a drink after work this evening. Team spirit and camaraderie. I think I just about remember that. It's also a Bank Holiday weekend, and since I was stripped from the shift pattern and put on 'conditioned hours' (made to work the odd weekend and given days off instead of money), I am no longer required to be on duty. Given the cuts that will undoubtedly come following the General Election, I am merely the vanguard of this new approach. Everyone will be losing Premium Rates very soon, I'm thinking. The brutal reality is that this move from my old department at the Elephant & Castle will end up costing me around seven grand a year. Frankly, it's worth every fucking bean.

29th April '10 -  See this? You're nowhere near man enough. This is awesome!

28th April '10 - Is there really any point in Gordon Brown touring the country promoting the new Labour Party Manifesto given the fact that he blatantly lied through his teeth with the contents of the last one? Remember the promise of a referendum on the EU Treaty? No? I do, Gordon. So do millions of others. We also remember iDave's 'cast-iron' guarantee on it, too; conveniently forgotten once the damn thing was ratified. As for the other joker, well, I neither know nor care what he says or thinks about anything. In fact the only thing I can conclusively remember about the Limp Damps is that one of them went cross-eyed through nobbing a Cheeky Girl. Welcome to British Politics in the Twenty-First Century. God help us all...

27th April '10 - Grasping trinket-peddler Steve Jobs has defended Apple's decision to leave Adobe Flash off the iPad by saying it was made for the era of "PCs and mice" and performed poorly when translated to run on touchscreen and hand-held devices. Hmm. Nothing about Flash allowing access to millions of free applications and gadgets that the idiot Apple punters could otherwise be forced to pay for by not including it, eh Steve?

26th April '10 - I don't believe this. Lambeth Council have done it again. As I walked to the bus-stop this morning, I noticed a new set of speed-bumps, freshly laid at the weekend, all along the road that runs along the top of the common. The road that for ages has been a notorious red light district. This particular rat-run has, over the years, had the bus-shelters removed (too convenient), had 'No Kerb Crawling' signs plastered to every lamp-post and finally, in a last ditch attempt to deter the unfazed Toms, had a truckload of expensive C.C.T.V. installed. Over the last few months, I'd noticed a difference. Less knackered-looking Lily Savage clones prowling around as I walked to the bus at half five in the morning, less used nodders on the pavement - that sort of thing. Now Lambeth Council have stuck up a load of 'Twenty's Plenty' signs and put the humps in, all the cars will be forced to slow down by law, thus giving potential punters plenty of time to pick the girl of their choice, make eye contact and indicate a suitable side road to discuss business. It's not just me, is it? Am I the only sane person left in this city or what? Hello?

25th April '10 - After a lovely warm sunny week, it was much chillier here in London this morning, meaning it managed to piss it down just in time to thoroughly soak all those idiots starting the London Marathon. I cannot tell you how happy this made me, for I utterly despise joggers. Every morning at a quarter to six as I stroll the half-mile to my bus-stop, I encounter hoards of them pounding their way around the common with their sweaty faces and pained expressions, so the thought of them suffering month after month of this for their 'big day', only to have to endure it in the abject misery of cold wet clothing, puts a big old smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against exercise (I spent my Twenties pumping some serious iron), it's just these clowns who push themselves through 'the wall'; who run so much they are physically in pain. and then act all superior about their training 'regime' really tune me up. Yes, you're fitter than me and yes, you'll probably live longer. Though it will be a matter of a year or two at most and all of it spent in constant screaming agony from your arthritic joints...

24th April '10 - Wolves 1 Blackburn 1. Only two games to go now, and, dare I say it, we look as if we're safe. Burnley need to win their three remaining games against Liverpool, Birmingham and Spurs (and they've not won three on the bounce all season), while Hull need to beat Wigan and Liverpool and rack up twenty four goals in the process. Yeah, I'll take that...

23rd April '10 - St. George's Day once more. Another opportunity to wear my white 'crusader' shirt with the huge red cross on, another opportunity to see just how indifferent the sheeple are. My new job involves me hitting Liverpool Street Station every day. Today, out of curiosity, I passed through twice, just to see how my fellow countrymen were marking the day. I saw one other bloke wearing the colours. Just one. During the rest of my journeys, I saw a grand total of four England flags. Four, in the capital city of England on its patron saint's feast day. The final straw came when one person asked me if there was a match on tonight. I give up. You obviously much prefer the Irish patron saint, and that's understandable. Get used to seeing green and white flags in England a lot more over the next generation or so, as this one is getting more popular by the day...

22nd April '10 - Just acquired the new 'Grand Theft Auto' add-ons for GTA IV on the PC. Awesome! However, there is a very real danger when playing this game for any length of time, as it tends to distort your perspective; especially when one lives and works in London. You spend all day wandering the streets with people jostling you and shouting, until it comes to the point where you snap, pull out a flame-thrower, barbecue the whole bloody lot of 'em and drive a stolen 4x4 over their ashen remains. That's the game, by the way, not living in London, although the lines can occasionally get blurred in Hackney on a Saturday evening...

21st April '10 - My apologies for yesterday's Tourette's-driven outburst. It kind of got away from me a little while I was typing it...

20th April '10 - Memo to Lambeth Council: Instead of adding more fucking speed bumps to Mitcham fucking Lane, why not use some of the fucking building material you've got heaped by the side of the fucking road to fill in some of the fucking potholes that are fucking dotted about like fucking mortar craters every twenty bastard yards? I mean, I enjoy a game of 'Colin McRae's Dirt 2' as much as the next fucker, but I'd rather play with it with a fucking joypad in front of the fucking telly and not in a fucking ten year old Fiat fucking Punto every time I make my way back from fucking Croydon. Alternatively - and this is a bit fucking radical, you understand - if you find yourselves with some of our fucking money left over every fucking March, how about GIVING IT FUCKING BACK instead of looking for fucking shit to waste it on that no fucker has asked for? I'm talking about the new fucking paving slabs with underfloor fucking lighting and spindly fucking 'trees' you've added all the fucking way up Streatham fucking High Road; not to mention the all-glass fucking bus shelters with the fucking life expectancy of a fucking mayfly, you bunch of fucking fuckers.

19th April '10 - I'm on Rest Days again. Actually, they're not 'Rest Days' per se, as I'm no longer on a shift; they're 'days off' due to my new contract forcing me to work one weekend in four and take time off on the Monday and Tuesday following. In addition, my hours have gone from eight to nine a day, which means that, when all the added hours are totted up, there is enough to have another two 'Rest Days' at the end of the fourth week of this new four-week 'non-shift' shift pattern. So basically, I now work a seven day week followed by a three day week, then a five day week followed by another three day week before starting all over again. Very civilised. We like!

18th April '10 - Apparently, everyone was really impressed with the yellow cow on the telly the other night and that's the cow that everybody wants. I suspect this is more to do with the fact that the yellow cow is neither the red cow nor the blue cow than the quality and content of its mooing.

17th April '10 - Fulham 0 Wolves 0. I believe this has formally been recognised as the most boring game since the Premiership began, as there was just one shot on target from either side in the entire ninety minutes. They had their Europa League semi-final to worry about on Thursday and we were locked up tighter than  a very tight thing down to its last quid with a week to payday. Dull and uninspired stuff from two teams with sod-all to play for. They're safe and, after this, I would hazard that we are, too, unless we lose our final three games and Burnley and Hull win all of theirs. Stranger things have happened, though, so roll on Blackburn next week...

16th April '10 - Judging by the party political broadcast I've just seen online, it would appear that Eddie Izzard is still very much a Labour supporter. Nice to see he's kept his sense of humour over the last thirteen years, isn't it? Then again, if I had his money, I'd probably think it was all a bit of a laugh, too...

15th April '10 - There was an hour and a half of live broadcast this evening. Bizarre concept - what they'd done was dress three cows up in three different coloured outfits and got them to stand there mooing at the camera. The red cow (an Aberdeen Angus by the look of it) had a low, unconvincing, miserable sort of moo, whereas the blue cow had a more urgent, upbeat sort of moo. The red cow didn't like it when the blue cow mooed and kept trying to moo over it. Curiously, on the occasions when both of them were mooing at the same time, I found it hard to tell one from the other. There was another cow there, too; a yellow one. One minute the yellow cow tried to sound like the blue cow and the next it tried to sound like the red one. For the most part, the red and blue cows ignored it and carried on mooing between themselves.  To be honest, I got bored after a while and went to play 'Mass Effect 2' instead...

14th April '10 - I have now perfected the travel arrangements to and from my new job, and all it requires is me having to get up half an hour earlier. That may sound like a ball-ache, but bear with me, because it pans out beautifully. Observe: I catch the bus I've always caught, but instead of getting a paper to while away the journey, I can simply go to sleep for the entire trip, safe in the knowledge that the terminus is exactly where I need to be. I wake up at Liverpool Street Station and step off right in front of a Costa Coffee. I order a nice skinny vanilla latte (ponce) while I wait for my second bus - in the stand next to the one I just left - and then I sip my lovely beverage for the nine minute journey to the new base before getting off, alert, relaxed and ready for the day. Coming home, when things are a bit busier on the roads, I simply get the tube - which is right next door to work - take three stops to Bank, change to the Northern Line and sleep all the way back to Tooting Bec. Bloody hell, this is marvellous!

12th April '10 - First day at work in the new job at the new venue. We walked into a room piled high with furniture from the previous occupants. By the end of the day, we had three digital download suites up and running, three linked computer systems, phone lines, fax, printer and copier. We even got the tea-club sorted, too. I think it's going to be the start of a beautiful relationship between me and the East End...

11th April '10 - Wolves 0 Stoke 0. A game where only two players ever got a mention on the commentary. Rory Delap doing his usual mighty throw-ins for them and Marcus Hahnemann doing his usual awesomeness in front of goal for us. A pig-ugly game, utterly forgettable, but another point in the bag, meaning we're now six points clear of the drop zone with four games left. Looking good...

10th April '10 - Today I had a bet on the Grand National, as I was sure I'd spotted an omen. I start my new job on Monday in a building located in a place called Eric Street. Imagine my amazement when I spotted that one of the horses in this year's race was called 'Eric's Charm'. That was enough for me. It was obviously, as I said, an omen. I stuck twenty quid on it at forty to one. Guess what the first faller this year was at the first bastard fence? Lady Luck is a spiteful cow.

9th April '10 - So Lenny Henry and Dawn French have decided to file for divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. Apparently, they'd been sleeping in separate beds for quite some time before the split. Not because of any animosity, but because poor old Len was sick of trying to sleep with his arse hanging off the edge of the mattress...

8th April '10 - Off for a brief sojourn in sunny Wolverhampton. I might try and get a ticket for the Stoke match on Sunday. Then again, I may just have a lie-in with the the papers and several cups of tea instead. Who knows? Who cares?

7th April '10 - Gordon Brown's very last Prime Minister's Question Time (we hope). How iDave refrained from asking the one question we all want answered, I'll never know. I for one would've loved to have heard him come out with "so why didn't you fuck off sooner, seeing as everyone hates you?", but alas, it was not to be...

6th April '10 - After seeing Lady Gaga's new video while bored out of my skull on Nights this week, I am forced to confess that I was wrong in alleging that she was, in fact, a man. The spends most of the video in a micro bikini or, at one point, some police 'crime scene' tape and I could clearly see that she had hips. So, sorry Lada Gaga, I humbly admit I was wrong. You are not a man at all. Just a fucking ugly bird.

5th April '10 - I would like to recommend that everyone has a go at playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' from the wrong end of a bottle of Shiraz-Cabernet. Huge fun. I was all over the shop. Fell off my own roof twice...

4th April '10 - Well, I have to admit I quite like the new Doctor Who. He's quirky, fun and I thinks he works a treat. The opening story was typical filler, though. I'm looking forward to see what Matt Smith can do with a real script; like a two-part Steven Moffat 'Weeping Angels' one, which we'll be getting in a couple of weeks. I like the new assistant, too. Shame she won't be keeping that policewoman kissogram outfit, though. Grrr!

3rd April '10 - Arsenal 1 Wolves 0. Cheated. By sixty thousand screaming Gooners and a shit referee. This was the same one who sent Wardo off for a nothing challenge on Gerrard in the Liverpool game on Boxing Day. He flashed the red card at Karl Henry here for what was, at best, a yellow, simply because all the Arsenal players and fans shouted at him to do so, the spineless fuck. Even with ten men, we showed enough grit and determination to snatch a point from this, until the twat in black found five minutes of added time from somewhere and Arsenal planted a lucky one in the ninety-fifth. Never mind though, Hull lost, Burnley got slaughtered and West Ham have Man City tomorrow. We can still get away with this!

2nd April '10 - The latest opinion polls put David Cameron a mere eight points ahead of Gordon Brown. Eight points. Against the biggest tube to infect Downing Street since Jim Callahan. As we still don't know what Cameron and his Blu-Labour party stand for a mere five weeks from the General Election, I can only conclude that Dave is eight points up purely by virtue of the fact that he's not Gordon. By that rationale, can I encourage you all to vote for me? I ought to be twenty points ahead in no time at all seeing as I'm neither of them. What do I stand for? The abolition of every single Government quango with the money used to subsidise free beer every Friday, and an extra Bank Holiday on Trafalgar Day. Vote Fish! You've never had it so good!

1st April '10 - There were a few April Fool gags winging their way around cyberspace this morning, but by far the best was this one from 'The Guardian'. When we've reached the stage where a lefty rag of that magnitude starts taking the piss out of a serving Labour Prime Minister, it really is time for a radical change of Government. Sadly, there isn't one available...

31st March '10 - I read voraciously. News items mainly, and since my reading includes many, many internet sites, it can sometimes be a week or so before I get to a story. Trawling through the 'Times Online' site today, I found this post from a fortnight ago, which caused me to spray tea all over my monitor. Read the headline, then look at the name of the reporter...

30th March '10 - It's a full moon tonight, and I plan to try some of this 'Cosmic Ordering' that Noel Edmonds swears by. Apparently, what you do is light three candles, wish joy to the world and then 'order up' three things that you'd like the power of the cosmos to grant you. A few years ago, Noel, bless him, was in the doldrums. He read about this, tried it, and wished for a new career, a new woman and something else which he didn't get. Two out of three ain't bad, as a certain fat Yank nutcase once opined, so I'm going to make it even easier for the celestial powers to sort by going out tonight and asking them for no more Noel Edmonds, no more Noel Edmonds and no more Noel Edmonds.

29th March '10 - Two howling Muslim fruitcakes - female this time - have blown themselves to ragged shreds along with thirty-eight other poor fuckers on the Moscow Metro underground system today. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin swiftly promised to 'do everything to find and punish the criminals', while Pesident Dmitry Medvedev has vowed to 'destroy' the 'beasts' responsible for planning the outrage. Hmm. Not the most enlightened of thinking there, chaps. What you need to do is to reach out to the local Muslim 'community' and engage with their 'spiritual leaders' in order to move forward together in a mutual spirit of cooperation and understanding like we do over here. You could even pay them benefits to preach hatred against you, too, if you want to appear really progressive...

28th March '10 - Scoping out the movie sites recently, I discovered that The Rock has made a kids film where he becomes, and I shit you not, the Tooth Fairy. After seeing Vin Diesel in 'The Pacifier' recently, I can only assume that the two of them are having some sort of bizarre wager between themselves on who can a) fuck up their career the most and b) look the gayest. For my money, Vin's just about edging it. Just...

27th March '10 - Wolves 0 Everton 0. Lovely. I'll take a point off these boys any time. Burnley lost, West Ham lost and we look in good enough shape to get away with the inevitable whupping that we're going to get off Arsenal next Saturday. The BBC Sport website has a predictor page to see where your team will end the season. Go here and have a play. My calculations see us finishing in sixteenth on thirty-seven points - and that was me being cautious and ultra-realistic with the predictions. Hope it's a fairly accurate assessment!

26th March '10 - One final comment on our Senior Management, then I'll drop the subject and go back to important stuff like commenting on the Wolves. As you read the post below this one, bear in mind that the lowest paid member of the people sitting round the table that came up with this monumental bit of pro-active thinking is pulling down about seventy-four grand a year of public money. Before any bonuses, that is...

25th March '10 - The Roller-coaster of Managerial Stupidity inched a little bit closer to the top of the slope today with the announcement that, upon our move to our new teams next month, we will no longer have our own purpose-built van full of expensive specialist equipment. No, we will be 'hot-vanning'. This is so the Senior Management Team can give back some their hire vans and 're-allocate' our purpose-built vans full of expensive specialist equipment to those people (not on our unit and not doing our job) who are currently renting. This is being done to save money. Our SMT like saving money, which is why none of them ever pick up their 'productivity' bonuses at the end of the financial year which happens every...why, now, as it happens, but I digress. Anyway, for those of you who haven't figured it out, 'hot-vanning' is where the bloke doing Early Shift hands over his keys to the bloke on Lates, meaning the van is always in use (and therefore 'productive') and there is no wasteful downtime. Fair enough, and very laudable, but these are not runarounds or 'pool' cars, we are talking about, they are purpose-built vans full of expensive specialist equipment. Each one has been retro coach-fitted with a huge 177A marine battery that require a seventy-two hour charge every two to three weeks. This is because, and I'm sorry to labour the point, they are purpose-built vans full of expensive specialist equipment. Currently, being personal issue, the vans get charged on the Rest Days of our shift pattern. Next month, they won't be having that luxury, which means that within two to three weeks, none of the expensive specialist equipment will be working anymore. However, by then all the SMT bonuses will be paid, the skiing holidays booked and it will be a problem for a new financial year, which I'm sure they'll be able to resolve in time for another bonus. Meanwhile, we start walking off jobs halfway through in order to get the van back to pass on to the bloke on the next shift and our customers start going bat-shit and calling us everything under the sun for our work-to-rule attitude. Well, at least this unpleasantness will only be for a fortnight or so. After that, all the vans will be dead...

24th March '10 - I think some people at work are under the impression that I'm putting something of a brave face on my impending enforced move to Mile End. Allow me to illustrate a couple of points. Everyone I've spoken to at the East London base thinks it's great. A happy little unit full of nice people whose Senior Managers tend to stay out of the way and let them get on with their jobs. They genuinely appear to love working there. By contrast, everyone at the Elephant campus thinks it's a shit-hole run by wankers. Draw your own conclusions...

23rd March '10 - West Ham 1 Wolves 3. Apart from conceding in the third minute of injury time, this was pretty much the best game we've ever had in the Premiership. Rock solid from beginning to end and three superb goals mean that we've now picked up seven points in three away games and are seven points off the drop zone with seven games to go. Lucky sevens? Believe it!

22nd March '10 - So the Camerons have announced they're going to have another baby. Marvellous. In this nonebrity-obsessed society of ours, that's obviously the election in the bag for Dave then, isn't it? Never mind any actual policies or ideas for running the country; simply announce the fact that your missus is up the duff and it's wall to wall 'OK' and 'Hello' coverage from now until May. Obviously nobody cares about the non-existent contents of the Tory manifesto when there's the contents of Dave's nutsack to be discussed, right? Jesus, this country makes me sick...

21st March '10 - Last time Wolves beat West Ham at Upton Park was in March 1978. Kate Bush was number one with 'Wuthering Heights'. Let's hope the fat lady is singing again on Tuesday night, shall we?

20th March '10 - Aston Villa 2 Wolves 2. And we were so close to nicking all three points, too, after a fairly average performance from Martin O'Neill's one-man team. Eight games left and an absolutely massive game on Tuesday night away at West Ham. Pompey are gone and Burnley look shonky. We have to make sure that either Hull or West Ham take that last slot and not us! Come on, me babbies!

18th March '10 - I had a wonderful time at work today. In preparation for moving across to East London, I've been clearing my desk; going through all my old files and, for the most part, ripping them up and stuffing them in the bin. Certificates from fifteen years of meaningless mandatory in-house courses? Bin. A folder full of examples of work for a forensic accreditation that was scrapped after we'd spent a hundred grand on it? Bin. Course notes and instructive scenarios from the 'Leadership for Managers' programme that I've never been able to refer to because the managers here have always been baffled by the concept af leadership? Bin. Inch-thick 'National Competency Framework Model' dossier designed to ensure you have the best people for the job? (Funny, no mention of Freemasons always having the final say in there). Bin. Reams of 'Professional Development' paperwork which, now I come to think of it, managed to get the person I was doing it for promoted. Bin. In the end, I managed to get a groaning desk and two full drawers down to a packing crate and a half. Brilliant! More room on the new desk for some proper photos of my girls. These are the things that matter. In terms of 'getting on', I've realised after twenty years that the only way to do so is to kiss arse and/or have the same handshake as the Boaz Boys. Nah, sorry. Not interested.

17th March '10 - What was the point in deducting nine points from Portsmouth now? Surely it would've been a more appropriate penalty for going into administration to have made them start next season in the Fizzy Pop league on minus nine? I mean, they were relegated anyway, weren't they, so where's the punishment?

15th March '10 - It's just been announced that a Member of Parliament (Ashok Kumar, Middlesborough) has been found dead. One down, six hundred and forty-five to go...

14th March '10 - The whole point of this website is...well, there isn't one. It's sole purpose is for me to have a good bleat about whatever is getting on my tits or to highlight something I feel is of interest. Pretty pointless, I'm sure you'll agree. However, I recently came across a bloke who is taking the idea of pointless websites to a whole new level. Basically, what he does is...tell you what, just click here. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

13th March '10 - Burnley 1 Wolves 2. All those weeks where I've moaned that we never, ever get a stroke of luck and everything goes right for us today. Somehow, we kept a battling Burnley at bay with the help of an own goal, but best of all, everyone around us that we needed to lose did. West Ham went down at Chelsea and Hull lost to Arsenal, though both games were touch and go for a while. We now have a sliver of daylight - fourth from bottom with a three point gap. Unfortunately, it's Villa next. This season is going to go right to the wire...

12th March '10 - Figures released by the NHS today show that self-harming has risen by almost fifty per-cent in the last five years. I can't understand this. I have never been so full of impotent rage that I felt the urge to drag a razor up my arm. Somebody else's arm, sure. Or throat. In my day, the maxim of the aggrieved was 'Don't get mad, get even.' Sadly, in these touchy-feely Socialist times, we appear to have replaced it with 'Don't get even, go mad.'

11th March '10 - It's a good job I'm off work at the moment as my rechargeable trimmer died halfway through shaving my head this morning. I've just stuck it on charge, so for the next few hours I'll be sitting here with a head like a warthog's wankshaft and hoping the postman doesn't ring the buzzer...

10th March '10 - Well, that wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Today, I got to the hospital at quarter past eight and was twelfth in the queue. I was in, drained and out again by five to nine. When I left the nurse's room, there were dozens of people packed into the waiting room. What do they do with all this blood? I can only assume that black pudding is on the in-patient lunch menu every day...

9th March '10 - At the moment, I have to pop along to the hospital every six weeks to give an armful of blood so that my consultant can examine the results and recommend that I give up a few more things I enjoy. This requires me to abstain from eating or drinking from eight o'clock the previous evening until whatever time the nurse removes the needle. There's always a queue for blood tests at my hospital, no matter what time I go. Today was the worst I've ever seen it. I got there fifteen minutes before the room opened to find a veritable sea of humanity from all walks of life. Some of them even looked English. I took my ticket from the machine on the wall. It said 'B13'. I looked at the display hanging from the ceiling. It said 'A01'. I crumpled the ticket up and went to find something to eat. I now know why they have restaurants in hospitals. I will try again tomorrow when it's not 'ante-natal day'. Fucksocks.

8th March '10 - I'm typing this before I go to bed after my penultimate run of Nights. Just before I left, I emailed my new boss (and his boss) with a full and detailed breakdown of the numbers of staff that they will be inheriting next month, together with statistical breakdowns of current workflow (with a staff of forty-six) and projected workflow after April (with a staff of thirty-two). I helpfully added percentages (an increase of 63%) to illustrate my findings. Just to round things off, I let them know exactly what the person responsible for 'facilitating the change in service delivery and devolvement to area' had done with more than six months of preparation time (this particular part of the write-up didn't take very long at all.) Strangely, they seem to be under the impression that they will be getting a working unit next month, the poor, blind fools, which is why I took the time and trouble to put them straight. With diagrams. I now have a whole week off. Lovely.

7th March '10 - Woo Hoo! Fantastic news! The production company behind the excellent 'Rome' and 'Deadwood' have just announced their latest project. None other than my favourite series of books, George R.R. Martin's 'A Game of Thrones'. How brilliant is that? For those of you who've never heard of it, it's a fantasy series. Only it's less about magic and dragons (though there are both in it) and more about plotting, intrigue and murder. Given who's making it, they won't be skimpng on the gratuitous nudity and shocking violence, either. Can't. Fucking. Wait!

6th March '10 - Wolves 0 Man Utd 1. Great performance again. No points again. However, and I've said this before, if we keep playing like this, we should be alright. In all fairness, we should've come away with a point, it's just that Sam Vokes had a Mr. Blobby moment in front of an open goal and skyed it from two yards out. Next match is Burnley, and I reckon this will decide our season. Win and we should retain the belief and confidence to stay up. Lose and it's fizzy pop time. Mick, it's over to you...

5th March '10 - Scientists have finally, conclusively agreed that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a meteorite the size of the Isle of Wight. Frankly, I'd like to see the Isle of Wight wiped out by a meteorite the size of a dinosaur.

4th March '10 - Just about to begin my last-but-one-ever set of Nights, and thought you might like a quick breakdown of the staff available to me for the next few evenings. I have one of my troops on annual leave, one on maternity, one off long-term mad and two off with man-flu'. This leaves me with a grand total of...er...me. The current staffing-levels derive from a shift designed around an operational pool of forty-six staff. Next month, on the lovingly-designed (read: cobbled together on the back of a fag packet) new shift, we drop down to thirty-two. Like I said, someone's going to look very, very silly come April...

3rd March '10 - After a bit of fun and games under the living room rug this evening, it is my sad duty to report that Mickey is no longer with us. Anyone wishing to pay their respects can do so by means of a candle-lit vigil outside my house, at least until Friday when the binmen come...

2nd March '10 - It has just been announced on the radio that a convicted paedophile has been found hanged in his cell at Wandworth Prison. Apparently, all attempts to resuscitate him failed. I'm hoping this involved vigorously pulling on his ankles..

1st March '10 - Cracked up today reading that the Conservatives are now only two points ahead of Gordon Brown, the most clueless and unpopular PM since...well, ever. David Cameron should be fucking light years ahead at this point, but he really doesn't appear to get it. We simply don't want another Tony Blair, much as Dave has spent the last decade trying to be one. He has already shown himself to be a liar (that 'cast iron' guarantee on a referendum), he can't categorically say what he stands for (it certainly isn't Conservatism) and he is spending all his time chasing marginal votes whilst simultaneously ignoring his traditional supporters. Basically, his entire campaign appears to be 'vote for me, it's time for a change'. I suspect most people are, like me,  looking at him and wondering what exactly this 'change' will be, apart from an entirely new bunch of out-of-touch big Government chancers spending my money to tell me what to do. Change? I can't spot it. Personally, I'm half-toying with the idea of voting Labour. Gordon made this bed and I for one would like to see him lie in it for a bit. In reality, I suspect it won't make a blind bit of difference who gets in, as the IMF will be parachuted in to take control of things within a year anyway. Then, we might be able to do away with this two-and-a-half party bun-fight that we've had to put up with since the last war and clear the decks for a proper constitution. As long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a Maserati...

28th February '10 - Mind-crushingly dull nonebrity Peaches Geldof (the spoilt, idiot child of a spoilt, idiot mother) posted 'provocative' photos of herself dressed as a French maid on her own website, and then immediately went out of her way to point out that she doesn't actively try to appeal to men. Job done then, you pig-ugly little shunter.

27th February '10 - Bolton 1 Wolves 0. A game we absolutely had to win. Or draw at least. So what did we do? Exactly. The most worrying thing for me was seeing what Mick McCarthy did when it became obvious that playing Doyle on his own up front simply wasn't working. 'What did he do?', I hear you cry. 'What genius bit of tactical wizardry did he employ?' Took chief playmaker Foley off and put bloody Ebanks-Blake on instead. We're just out of the drop-zone on goal difference alone and we've got Man Utd next. God help us...

26th February '10 - I'm posting this early. Very early in fact, as I'm off to The Intrepid Fox for an ale or three after work. I'm kind of depressed as I type this because it's just dawned on me that an evening at the 'Fox has now become 'an event'. Something to look forward to (and I have been - my mate Jesus and I have been planning this for weeks.) This is unbelievably sad, as ten years ago, it was pretty much the default setting for the nearest Friday to payday. What used to be a simple exchange of "Fox Friday?" "Of course" has now become something that requires a juggling of diaries, notice to be given and confirmation of the issuing of a 'pink pass' from the respective LWOs (Lawful Wedded Opponents). That things have come to this for two valiant young blades such as we...

25th February '10 - We, the British taxpayers, bailed out The Royal Bank of Scotland (without our consent) after it 'lost' £24 billion on 2008 and now own 84% of it. It has just posted further losses of £3.6 billion for 2009. However, it has also announced that it will be paying out staff bonuses of £1.3 billion. I only got a Grade B 'O' level in Maths, so perhaps one of you clever people can explain this to me...

23rd February '10 - It's almost a joy to roll in to work every morning now, knowing that in a few short weeks I won't have to set foot in the place ever again. It's hilarious watching people speculate and second guess about where they will be going in the upcoming staff moves (they did us 'foreman' grades first) and watching them scratch their heads trying to figure out how the new shift pattern can be made to work with the number of people available to work it. It can't, but we've all given up trying to tell the management this as they made up their minds that it was happening (whether it worked or not) a long time ago. Here's a quick insight into the managerial thought processes in our place:

"Right, what's the minimum number of staff we need on each area to run a four-tier, 24/7 shift pattern?"

"Erm...eight."

"Ok, so given that our operational baseline for covering four seperate shifts is eight per area, and the fact that on top of this we need to allow for rostered rest days, annual leave, sickness, flexible-working, primary carers, pregnancies, training and other unforeseen abstractions, how many people shall we actually put on it?"

"Erm...eight."

   The funniest part for me is in the management's apparent assumption that when things go 'live' on the 12th of April (and, inevitably, tits up on the 13th), it will be down to me and the other three lower-middle-management drones to sort out. Sorry, but I don't think it will. You see, the four of us have been taken off our own team's shift patterns (and indeed, off shifts altogether), which means we will no longer have any real operational overview of what our team (or any other team) is actually doing at any given time. This has effectively rendered us incapable of making any informed decisions around such trivial matters as our own staff's operational deployment or annual leave requests. Unfortunately, the management don't appear to have grasped this yet. Personally, I'd love - just love -  to help make all this work, I really would. And I'm damn sure that I could, too. It's precisely the sort of in-depth organisational challenge that the NVQ in Management I spent a whole year acquiring prepared me for, which is why I eagerly applied for both the Operations Manager role AND the Change Manager role the moment they were advertised. Sadly, I wasn't deemed good enough for either, so there's not really a great deal I can do to sort out the forthcoming problems. Therefore, at five past four every afternoon, I will be sitting on the bus home at just about the time when people will be scratching their heads and wondering why there's nobody available for Lates. Somebody, I suspect, is going to be doing an awful lot of explaining to an awful lot of very senior people come April. Fortunately, it won't be your Uncle Bill. Like I said, it's a hoot turning up in the mornings at the moment...

22nd February '10 - It is with heavy heart that I have to inform you that I have noe finished both episodes of 'Bioshock'. A crying shame, as they were nothing short of gaming brilliance. Whatever am I going to do with my evenings now? Oh yes, I know...

21st February '10 - The mouse is back. Well, obviously not the original mouse, as he went to the great skirting board in the sky a long time ago, as did his wife. No, last night brought a new round of scratching and scrabbling for the first time in two years, so I flicked on the light and had a poke behind the wardrobe and out shot Mickey. Twenty minutes later, I had Polyfilla'd the hole I found next to the radiator and laid down a couple of glue traps. Tonight, before I go to bed, I will be filling the washing-up bowl with six inches of lovely cold water, and should young Michael decide to make another appearance, he'll be off for a midnight swim...

20th February '10 - Wolves 0 Chelsea 2. If we played like this against every side we came up against, I'd have absolutely no cause to complain. Two goals from Drogba ensured the Blues walked away with the points, but it was far from certain, particulary in the second half when we were one-nil down and all over them. As is to be expected, it was the quality of the finishing that seperated the two teams, and Chelsea are the top team in the Prem. They took their chances and we didn't, but the chances were there and we have plenty of games coming up against teams who aren't Chelsea, where this sort of industry and effort should result in a goal or two. Carry on playing like this and there's no reason why we can't stay up.

19th February '10 - Found this on one of the blogger's links. For anyone despising Apple as much as I do, it's a mine of juicy information to throw back at those self-satisfied dicks you know who are constantly banging on about how wonderful their iProduct is...

18th February '10 - There is a new series being plugged on the telly as I type this, all about the continuing adventures of everybody's favourite comedy balloon, Jordan. It's apparently called 'What Katie Did Next'. Sadly however, unless the answer to that rhetorical question is 'Set Fire To Her Head' or 'Drank Aconite', I'm unlikely to find myself tuning in...

17th February '10 - With a General Election looming in front of us like a turd in a swimming pool, we're starting to see frighteningly airbrushed David Cameron posters popping up all over the shop here in sunny Londonistan. So far, so tedious; yet some genius has come along and provided a 'spoof your own' site, and it's a scream! I've had loads of fun sodding about with it. Have a go yourself here. Now if only someone would do one for Gordon...

16th February '10 - Went for a look round my new premises today and had a long chat with my new boss over a coffee. I must admit, when they first told me I was being turfed out of the place where I'd worked for twenty years and sent to East London, I was hurt and a little angry. Now I've spoken in length with my new boss (and his boss), I'm typing this with a big shit-eating grin on my face. Basically, what I was told was 'make your role whatever you want - build, train and run it as you please'. Fantastic! For the first time in my career, there'll be no-one else taking credit for my work and getting themselves promoted on the back of my (and my colleagues') efforts. I will get out exactly what I put in. How refreshing! I think I'm going to enjoy this...

14th February '10 - Aah, Valentine's Day once more. The girls are away for the week; it being half-term leaving me all alone wit a new computer and 'Bioshock 2'. Basically, if you play games, then this is the (Big) Daddy. It will no doubt be the top PS3 game of 2010, but if you play it on your Sony; know this: it'll be about a third as sexy as it looks on my PC. Suffer quietly, console monkeys...

13th February '10 - ...and if we're talking about re-educating ourselves in terms of music, how about a bit of Alison Goldfrapp? Ye Gods, this woman is hot...

12th February '10 - I used to think I had a pretty comprehensive knowledge of the history of rock 'n roll. Turns out I was misinformed. The Fishwife has been watching this thing on the telly lately; all about reality TV-types trying to pass themselves off as opera singers. Only someone decided to add a certain Marcy Levy into the mix. Marcy Levy (for those of you who don't know your rock 'n roll history - 'me' until yesterday) has a farily well documented career in this particular field. For one, she supplied backing vocals for Bob Seger and Alice Cooper in the mid-Seventies; and for another, she co-wrote (and sang on) the Eric Clapton classic 'Lay Down Sally'. Oh, and for an encore, she re-invented herself as Marcella Detroit in the early Nineties and had three chart hits with 'Shakespeare's Sister' (and a couple as herself. (Check out 'I Believe', it's a belter!) If that's not enough, the lady (still) has a full five octave vocal range, too, which is no doubt why the British voting public got rid of her in favour of Darius and the fat one out of the Nolan Sisters. Gibbons...

11th February '10 - Wolves 1 Tottenham 0. Done 'em front and back in the same season! Absolutely priceless! I'm not usually one for gloating as I know how quickly we can find ourselves turned over in this division, but come on! I work with three good mates who just happen to be Spurs fans, so this is just too good to resist! Coming up next - Chelsea. So you see why I'm crowing while I can, don't you? Anyway, if I'm honest we played an absolute blinder and Spurs just seemed a bit flat. This wasn't a lucky win, we were damn good value for it! It just about makes up for some of the cruel twists of fate we've suffered in the recent games against Palace and Birmingham. Hey, out of the drop zone once more and back in the fight! Game on!

9th February '10 - It's just occurred to me that a very simple anagram of Gok Wan's name is 'Go Wank'. How in God's name did I miss this?

8th February '10 - With what I can only describe as delicious synchronicity, the awesome 'Bioshock 2' will be delivered to my door tomorrow on it's day of release; a mere twenty-four hours after I finished the original 'Bioshock' (Die, Fontaine, you bastard!) *Sigh*. Another couple of weeks in Rapture beckon...

7th February '10 - Birmingham 2 Wolves 1. One nil up with ten minutes to go and Wolves were looking good for three points having played a man's game all afternoon. Then Kevin Phillips came on. Kevin fucking Phillips. I honestly thought the bloke had retired - he must be my age! Anyway, on came the ex-Baggy and in went two goals and that was that. Goodnight game and with Spurs, Chelsea and Man Utd coming up, goodbye Premiership. Oh well, here's to the 2011/12 season...

5th February '10 - If 'The car in front is a Toyota'; worry.

4th February '10 - I'm getting really, REALLY tired of the whole John Terry thing now. Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, the whole thing just goes to show how far we have fallen as a nation. In Billy Wright's day, a married England Captain simply wouldn't have gone behind a team mate's back and shagged his girlfriend. In Bryan Robson's day, it might have happened, but the first thing the Captain would've done would've been to resign out of shame. Now, we have this cretin simply keeping his head down and hoping it all goes away, the fucking coward. I hope Capello rips the armband off the little shit and gives it to someone worthy. If none of them are, he should hand it to Emile Heskey. Heskey wouldn't do anything to tarnish the honour because Heskey doesn't do anything.

3rd February '10 - The realisation early this morning that this was the last but one set of Night Shifts that I'll be required to do for the foreseeable future was more than enough to give me a warm glow of smugness in the wee small hours. Good job really since I ended up traipsing round the back streets of Croydon in the freezing bastard cold at three o' clock in the morning...

2nd February '10 - Crystal Palace 3 Wolves 1. Not that I'm terribly bothered about the FA Cup, but come on! I had the game on in the van as I drove into work tonight. It was nil-nil as I parked up at the BP garage to go and get a coffee. I come back and we're fucking three down! Just how shite do you have to be to ship three goals in six minutes? I mean, everything was plodding toward a goalless extra-time battle until the point where Ebanks-Blake and Iwelumo came on. Two minutes later, the goals start rattling in. Oh well, at least we're still above the drop zone. Just.

1st February '10 - Hang on! February? What the fuck?

31st January '10 - 'Avatar' has just passed the £2 billion mark. James Cameron now has the two highest-grossing films of all time on his c.v., meaning he can pretty much make whatever he wants for his next project. Given that he was originally optioned to 'Spider Man' back in the early Nineties and that Sam Raimi has just been thrown off the franchise (quite right too, after royally fucking up Venom), is it too much to hope that old Jimbo might take a look at a certain wall-crawler next? Christina Hendricks for Mary Jane!

30th January '10 - Hull 2 Wolves 2. Again, we play 4-5-1 and again we get a point; though to be fair we had to come from behind twice to get it. Still, it was a good, solid game and very entertaining for a neutral, which, unfortunately, I'm not. Overall, though, a fair result. We're now just outside the drop zone (on goal difference alone) with Birmingham, Tottenham and Chelsea up next. Ooh, crikey!  

29th January '10 - Right, that's it. Job done. It's taken months of saving, weeks of planning and days of building and testing, but my new gaming pc is finally, FINALLY finished. Obviously, I will be tweaking for a few weeks to come (favourites, folder locations, etc), but I now have a stable build and it all works. Would I do this again? Probably, now I've done it once. Let's hope I don't have to for a few years though, eh? For the record then (and to allow me to geek out one last time on the subject), I'm now the proud owner of... an Intel Core i5 Lynnfield 750 rated at 2.66GHZ (but lovingly overclocked to 3.4GHZ), liquid cooling, 8GB of G-Skill 1600MHZ memory, one Sapphire ATI HD 5850 graphics card, one Nvidia GT 220 graphics card (purely for PhysX), Asus Xonar D2 THX sound card, 2:1 Razer Mako THX speaker system, 22" Samsung 1080p monitor, 300GB WD Velociraptor hard drive, 128GB Crucial solid state removable gaming drive, two Western Digital Caviar Green 1.5TB storage drives (RAID 1 linked), LG Blu-ray player and Sony DVD rewriter all stuffed into a CM Storm Sniper case with a 650W BeQuiet power unit and silent blue LED Akasa fans. Oh, and a Razer Tarantula keyboard, Razer Deathadder mouse and Belkin N52TE gaming pad, too. I won't be going out much this year, that's for sure. I can't fucking afford to! And before anyone starts, no, I didn't want an i7 Bloomfield chip - I deliberately went for the non-Hyperthreading option as the extra 'virtual' cores actually slow down gaming performance. Unless you do shit-loads of video encoding (which I don't) then Hyperthreading is a waste of time and cripples your rig. Ok, it's late and I'm rambling. Night all...

28th January '10 - Correction; two Apple products. Quicktime doesn't get on with 64-bit systems either, meaning I've had to run a 32-bit compatibility patch just for this one bloody app. Fucking Fisher Price programming

27th January '10 - Just in case you were wondering, iTunes is an absolute cow to move from one place to another. After almost half a day of pissing about, I finally gave in and bought a $20 app off the interweb that managed to consolidate every song into a 'real' location so I could ship them across to their new home. Funny how the biggest ball-ache with this project so far comes when we get to the one fucking Apple product, isn't it?

26th January '10 - Wolves 0 Liverpool 0. We could've nicked this. Seriously, Liverpool were extremely ordinary and I can't remember one serious shot on Hahnemann's goal. Super Mick rang the changes and dropped Ebanks-Blake entirely, choosing to try a 4-5-1 set-up with Kevin Doyle playing a lone striker role up front. Very effective it was, too! Clean sheet and another lovely point in the bag. Aces!

25th January '10 - I am now playing 'Bioshock' in the dark whilst wearing 7:1 surround sound headphones. I want my mummy.

24th January '10 - First full test of my new gaming rig this evening. I had 'Empire: Total War' running on a 22" HD monitor at 1080p with all the settings maxed out. (8x anti-aliasing, full anisotropic filtering) and still managed to average better than eighty frames a second. The core temperature never even got above 40 degrees and the fans were still on their lowest setting. Silent extreme gaming. Dear me, this is good!

23rd January '10 - Now that the new computer is up and running (albeit with only the basics installed) and inherently stable, I decided to add the new Canon printer. Once that went in, it was time to unwrap all the shiny new toys. Out came the Razer keyboard, mouse, THX speaker system and gaming pad I'd been buying bit by bit over the last nine months. Finally the 7:1 gaming headphones were uwrapped and added to the mix. Another round of driver CDs and I was able to dim the lights and marvel at all the pulsating blue LED loveliness. This machine is now officially the computer equivalent of Vin Diesel's Subaru. It's a bit late now, but tomorrow, it's time for a test drive!

22nd January '10 - The results of the review process at work were announced today. As you know, I didn't apply for anything, so I was curious to see where the Senior Management Team in their infinite wisdom had decided to put me. Did they give me one of the three posts back in my old unit knowing I could hit the ground running? No.  Did they recognise the eight months of work I'd done (mostly in my own time) helping to progress their upcoming Foundation Degrees and give me a Development Manager role? No. Did they look at the map and think 'Ah, old Bill lives almost exactly halfway between our South East and South West units; he could go to either'? No. What they actually thought was 'The impudent bald bastard had the effrontery to think he was above applying for his own job! Send the fucker North East!' So I'm off to Mile End. In real terms, all this means to me is sitting on the 133 for fifty minutes every morning rather than twenty and having eight staff to report on in future instead of four. Slightly weary; however, what it also means is that for the first time in twenty years I no longer have any reason to set foot in the bloody Elephant & Castle. Result? Three points, away win.

21st January '10 - All day down the hospital today being given the results of all those tests I've had recently. Turns out I've got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, hypertension and what looks, after we'd gone through my family tree, to be a genetic cardiac 'issue'. The cardiologist asked me if I had a stressful job. Oh, how we laughed! To cheer myself up, I popped into Argos on the way home and threw a hundred notes at a Powerline kit. Came home, plugged one into the router and the other into the PC and I had Internet access in two seconds flat. Not only that, but I am now hitting seven meg download speeds as opposed to the one and a bit I was getting from wireless. Wow! I should've bought some of these things years ago!

20th January '10 - A fun evening. The graphics card drivers were fighting with each other and the monitor driver (I have two different graphics cards; an ATI one for actual games and an Nvidia one for PhysX. It's complicated - look it up). The wireless network card I salvaged from the old computer doesn't work in a PCI-E slot and I can't use the one PCI slot I have left 'cos the fucking sound card's in the way, so no internet, which in turn means no updating and online registration and therefore an early night. Looks like I'll be upgrading to Powerline networking sooner than I thought

19th January '10 - I now have a fully working, shiny new PC. A 64-bit version of Windows 7 has been installed and...er...that's it.  I'm too tired to dick about with installation CDs this evening, so I'll have a run-up at the thing tomorrow. One thing I did make sure I added was my trusty copy of Acronis. Anyone who has ever had to re-install Windows after a week of partitioning, BIOS tweaks, adding hardware, software and updating firmware knows you only get caught out that way once. After that, you pay thirty quid for a decent imaging program and count yourself lucky!

18th January '10 - Today was deadline day at work. Me and the eight other put-upon dogsbody scumbag lower-middle-managers had been given four weeks by the big boys to write a full application for our own jobs, together with a 'portfolio of evidence' if we fancied a sideways move into another unit. Much gossip and speculation abounded and yet, for once, it was all water off a duck's back for me. You see, I didn't fill a form in for the simple reason that they have nothing to offer me that I would be willing to fill in a raft of meaningless paperwork for and nothing to threaten me with that I could not in all honesty make a very good go of. To add insult to injury, if I'd fancied 'applying' to go back to my old unit (the one that the previous management fucking asked me to move across from to help 'upskill' their bloody workforce), I would've been required to submit fifteen pieces of work with my application so that I could be 'assessed' as to whether I was good enough. A few years ago, I'd probably have been ranting and railing about an insult like that, but like I said, it's water off a duck's back these days. If they genuinely don't appreciate what I can bring to their poxy unit, then I'm more than happy to be posted out to someone who will. Fuck 'em. Their loss...

17th January '10 - I have a bruise the size of an egg on my left arm where the nurse took seven phials of blood last Friday. I got a lot of stares in the pub last night, probably because in a t-shirt, I now look like a hardcore smack-head. Talking of heroin addicts, did anyone see how Wolves played against Wigan? Dear oh dear. Two weeks left of the transfer window, Mick. Get shot of Ebanks-Blake while you can. He's obviously fine for the Fizzy Pop League, but not the Prem. Actually, now I come to think of it, it might be an idea to keep the bloke. We'll obviously be needing him for August...

15th January '10 - Well, wasn't that fun? Apart from having to go for yet more blood tests, the last couple of days have been devoted to adding components to my new PC, connecting them properly and making sure they're showing up in the BIOS. Surprisingly, the fiddly bloody LED fans were one of the easiest additions, it was the two socket graphics card that was a real bugger - especially as I didn't realise it needed two sockets until I'd used both of the ones around it. Cock. Anyway, the fun continues. The evenings, however, have been given over to a certain Mr. Bauer. Now Season 7 is over and done with, all I can say is roll on Season 8. Apparently, Katee Sackoff from 'Battlestar Galactica' (still the best TV drama ever in my opinion) is going to be in it. Can't wait!

12th January '10 - I spent the early evening opening the boxes of all the PC components I've been buying over the last six months. It all looks worryingly straightforward (apart from the LED fans, which are flimsy, fiddly and will no doubt go horribly wrong once I try and fit them.) I've put things in piles in the order I'm attempting to fit them, I've put the case on an anti-static mat on the middle of the kitchen table, and the minute I get in from work tomorrow, it's game on. Wish me luck boys, I'm going in...

11th January '10 - I've watched thirteen episodes of '24' in two days. Wow! Sorry, can't stop. Jack is waiting...

9th January '10 - The Fishwife has just peeled the cellophane off one of my Christmas presents - Season 7 of '24'. I was planning on staying here and adding a new weather-based entry to Rants, but Jack Bauer is waiting. You don't keep Jack Bauer waiting.

8th January '10 - You didn't tell me, did you? Eight days into the New Year and I was still adding '09' to the date. I bet you thought that was funny, didn't you? Gits.

7th January '10 - What really annoys me about weather like this is the attitude of some of my fellow workers. You know, the ones who ring in at seven a.m. and say "I won't be in today because I live in Ipswich/Brighton/Guildford and I'm snowed in!" What they're really saying to me, the mug stupid enough to get up a bit earlier in order to get in and answer the phones is "I live somewhere really nice - far, far away from the inner-city shithole you live in, Billy. Could you kindly add my workload to your own for a day or two while I have fun building a snowman with my kids?" Bastards.

6th January '10 - I'm getting tired of these lefty arseholes telling me how bad the snow is when we have precisely two inches of the stuff outside. Most annoying of all is them telling me to stay at home unless my journey is essential. Frankly, me going to work in the morning is essential, thank you very much. It's either that or I get docked a sick day and become the sort of spineless, nanny-state coddled piece of shit that has brought this country to it's fucking knees over the last twelve years. No thanks, I'm an Englishman. I have a backbone and first thing in the morning, I'll be wrapping up warm and making my way to the bus-stop. If there are no buses, I'll be walking it. It's only five miles and I've done it before. It might take a little longer tomorrow though, due to all the global warming I'll have to wade through...

5th January '10 - For ten solid minutes on each of the four main channels this evening, the lead news story was the fact that it had been snowing. In winter. For fuck's sake...

4th January '10 - I've just woken up. It's four in the afternoon and I've finally finished the Nights from Hell. Normally, Christmas and New Year at our place is dead and things only go mental once every five years or so. This must've been the fifth year then, because we got a right kicking. As Duty Officer, I am traditionally last man out, but I found myself behind the bloody Nikon every single night this week, sometimes twice! How very dare they! I absolutely guarantee that next year whoever covers the same period will be doing nothing except drinking tea and eating mince pies. Bastards.

3rd January '10 - A DVD RW with Lightscribe and a webcam. That's all I can be bothered to salvage from the old PC. I've also kept one of the 6600 GTX graphics cards, too. I know it's old hat, but next time I'm on Nights, I plan to see if I can stuff it into the office computer without anyone noticing. That way, I can hide 'Sid Meier's Pirates!' in an out of the way folder somewhere and bingo -  a far more entertaining way of passing the night than completing sick returns and personal development plans. Given that the IT 'professionals' in our place take half a day to reset a password, I'm fairly confident I can get away with this bit of clandestine upgrading. Yo ho ho!!

2nd January '10 - Ok, the wheels are now in motion. I will be on the netbook for the foreseeable future, as I am currently in the process of stripping out the old PC and building up the new one. I've already yanked the old hard drive out and will be transferring all my bits and pieces across just as soon as I've stuffed all the shiny new bits into the flash gaming case I've ordered. Unfortunately, as I'm still on bloody Nights, I'm going to have to wait a while in order to have a good run up at it. If things are a bit quiet for the next few days, you'll know why. Apologies. Bear with me...

New Year's Day '10 - Every bloody January 1st, I have that poxy fucking U2 song rolling round my head for the whole day. "All is quiet on New Year's Day", that repellent little tax-dodging knob is singing silently in my skull even now. No it wasn't, you cock. We were run off our bleeding feet on the Night shift, thanks to all those arseholes out drinking and fighting instead of watching the fireworks on telly and having an early night like normal people. Tch! Kids today...

New Year's Eve '09 - I managed to get to the last day of the year before seeing the film of the year. A mate lent me 'District 9', which is set in South Africa, has no 'stars' and a budget of $30 million and still manages to top every single Hollywood Sci-Fi blockbuster this decade. I don't want to say too much about it because it will spoil things for you, but basically aliens arrived over Johannesburg thirty years ago in a knackered ship (still hovering above the city) and are now living in a shanty town below it (the eponymous 'District 9'). After much racial tension, South Africa decides to evict them, and that's where the story begins. What follows can only be decribed as 'City Of God' crossed with 'Cloverfield' and a dash of 'Aliens'. There are Nigerians in it, too, behaving exactly as you'd expect. Anyway, this one is absolutely amazing and totally story-driven. Yes, the effects are fantastic, but plot is king. I can't believe that after years of shit Sci-Fi, I've been treated to this and the brilliant 'Moon' in the space of a month!

30th December '09 - On Lates and Nights, we never say the 'Q' word. Kind of like actor types never mentioning 'the Scottish play', it's the kiss of death to an office-bound evening in the warm if anyone mentions how 'quiet' things are. We all adhere to this rule, and always refer to things as being 'Q' or 'not too bad'. We never, EVER, come out and say that it's 'quiet at the moment'. Are we being superstitious? Allow me to illustrate. There I was, sitting in the warm and drinking tea when, about an hour before my shift finished, I thought I'd catch up with my emails. I read through several and eventually came to one from the boss, who has been off all over the festive season. I read down his thank-yous for the year and his wishes for the future, until I came to the last line, where he praised all those of us stuck working while the majority were out eating and drinking. The moment I read the words "I hope you have a quiet one", the fucking phone rang. An hour later, I'm traipsing up and down Tulse Hill in the pissing rain with a camera and a tripod photographing street scenes, crashed cars, shotgun damage and blood spots. Then, 'while I was there', I got to do a nearby address with more blood and bullet-holes. Three fucking hours of plain-time overtime, soaked to the skin, freezing cold and mightily pissed-off and all because some git introduced the bloody 'Q' word to my serene and harmonious world. Bastard.

29th December '09 - I've got to tell you about a brilliant comic book I've just read which has been made into a film. It's called 'Kick-Ass', and you can see the cinema trailer here. Then, you can go here and see the one they're not allowed to show you in the multiplex. Does this look the pods, or what? I wonder if Tarantino remembers when he was this good?

28th December '09 - Wolves 0 Manchester City 3. Big hairy nad-sacks. I was listening to this (well, the second half) on the radio on the way back from a job this evening and Chris Waddle summed it up perfectly for me when he said that Wolves are fantastic at making play and getting the ball up the pitch and into the box, but are completely without ideas when they get there. He said he couldn't understand why our three 'strikers' notched up over fifty goals between them in the Championship last season, but have only managed a grand total of five so far in the Prem. Neither can I, Chris, neither can I...

Boxing Day '09 - Liverpool 2 Wolves 0. And yet again we find that the 'big four' get given everything from the wanker with the whistle, while Wardo makes two challenges, picks up a card for each and gets sent off. Never mind that that twat Gerrard with his five quid haircut goes in feet first for everything and gets away with it every time. He's famous, isn't he? He's an England player. Cheating fucking Scallies.

27th December '09 - Jimmy Carr once said: "You can't polish a turd...but you can roll it in glitter." I think about this every time Graham Norton appears on our telly...

Christmas Day '09. You know the drill. Loads of food, loads of ale and a bit of telly. Wasn't 'Doctor Who' bollocks? I hope part two picks up, 'cos it'll be a shame if the excellent David Tennant goes out on a load of badly-written pantomime bollocks like this.

23rd December '09 - Now there's a lovely Christmas present! Barclaycard texted me this morning to say that all the fradulent transactions had been removed from my account and everything was back to normal. Yes! There is a God! Now if only he'd smite Nigeria with a plague of locusts like in the good old days, all would be right with the world.

22nd December '09 - The Fishwife presented me with a choice of itinery this afternoon. Come Christmas shopping with her and my daughter, or go and amuse myself for a couple of hours. So anyway, 'Where The Wild Things Are' is a truly beautiful movie and has launched itself straight onto my all-time top ten as a masterpiece of emotive cinema. Pure escapism and a definite on DVD when it comes out...

21st December '09 - AntiProduct / The Wildhearts, Wolverhampton. The Loyalties played too, but without their drummer, I kind of lost interest and went and drank some Banks's instead. Alex and co. were awesome as usual, and introduced yet another new line-up, with a new girl on bass and a new drummer, who looks all of twelve but plays like a dervish. Top stuff, especially when Clare informed me after the gig that they'd only been together in this form for a fortnight. Aces!. The Wildhearts were - dare I say it - so-so, mainly down to a slightly baffling set-list which did away with most of the classics in favour of stuff Ginger hadn't played for a while. Good, but not great. Still, thank God for AntiProduct! Never less than fucking brilliant!

20th December '09 - Bavarian  Market, Birmingham. Lovely. Made me feel Christmassy for the first time in years, especially with the snow still lingering on the ground. Had a couple of German sausages and the girls had some hot chocolate and a go on the carousel. Funny to think I was able to wander round with a full (glass) pint of strong lager in the middle of a shopping area in England's second city so long as everyone pretended they were really in Germany. Weird. Oh, and by the way - Wolves 2 Burnley 0. Super Mick's plan paid off and all is well once more. Up to twelfth for Christmas. Yay!

18th December '09 - And that was 'heavy snow', was it? That was worth a severe weather warning? God, I hate the numpties 'running' this poxy country. Anyway, I'm off for a leisurely night drive to Wolverhampton ready for a week of Christmas loafing. If I can get through all the humongous drifts, that is. Merry Christmas, one and all!

17th December '09 - Went to see 'Avatar' in 3D at the Imax this evening. Wow. Believe the hype; this is absolutely jaw-dropping. You really, really need to see this on the biggest screen you can possibly find, and you HAVE to see it in 3D.  Story wise, you know it already. It's 'Dances With Wolves', 'Starship Troopers', 'Braveheart', 'Aliens' and 'The Last Samurai' all rolled into one. So what? That's not why you're going, You're going to see the game changer. The "Future Of Cinema", as James Cameron's hype-machine has it. This is from the biggest-headed director that ever wielded a megaphone. The self-proclaimed 'King Of The World'. Is he right? Absolutely! I don't know what this baby cost, but every penny of it is right up there on the screen. Personally, I'd've paid the fifteen quid solely for Michelle Rodriguez in a vest in 3D, but that's just me..Seriously though, get out and see this one NOW. It's not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a fucking awesome bit of cinema.

16th December '09 - Well that's just smashing, isn't it? Heavy snow predicted for Friday, meaning I could end up being stuck in this shit-hole of a city for an extra couple of days. Bloody weather. Where was this December snow when I was ten and had a sledge that I never got to use from one bastard year to the next? Global warming, my fiery starfish...

15th December '09 - Man Utd 3 Wolves 0. The result wasn't really a surprise. What was, though, was Mick McCarthy's decision to make ten changes from the side that beat Spurs at the weekend. Given the fact that United were decidedly average for most of this game, I can't help wondering what would've happened if we had put a real team out instead of the bloody reserves. No doubt Super Mick knew this one was a lost cause and wanted everyone in the first team fit and ready for Burnley. With Bolton beating West Ham, we're now back in the bottom three. The travelling fans were chanting 'we want our money back' by the end. Mick, you'd better make damn sure we get three points on Sunday!

14th December '09 - I sent off the disclaimer forms to Barclaycard this morning (just after the replacement card arrived), so I'm hoping in a few days the whole Nigerian thing will be a distant memory. As a Catholic, my religion encourages me to forgive and forget, and in the grand scheme of things nobody was hurt or even inconvenienced too much, yet right now I still find myself wanting to waterboard the little bastards in a vat of their own boiling piss and posting a video of it on YouTube. I think a trip to confession is called for before midnight mass this year...

13th December '09 - Apparently, Tiger Woods is so overcome with remorse over his recent adultery that he has given up golf in order to 'become a better husband and father'. Far be it from me to knock the bloke's guilt trip, but stopping doing the very thing that puts food on the table doesn't immediately spring to mind as the first he ought to be giving up. 'Not sticking my old lad in any woman unless her name is Mrs. Woods' would be kind of the direction I'd be going in if I was him...

12th December '09 - Tottenham 0 Wolves 1. I don't often post twice in one day, but come on, this is worth it, don't you think? As we were talking about Kate Bush the other day, I think it only fair to point out that the last time we won at White Hart Lane, she was doing her fucking 'O' Levels! A manly performance all round, I'm sure you'll agree (unless you're my mate Jesus, that is!) Between today and Tuesday, I'd have happily taken a point from Spurs and Manchester United, so three is absolutely blinding. The Red Devils can have their three on Tuesday night for all I care. Still, it's worth noting that only three teams won in the Prem today, and all of them were from the West Midlands! Result!

12th December '09 - Well, I wasn't expecting that! The advance critic reviews for James Cameron's 'Avatar' have all been positive, with some even talking 'film of the year' potential. I was sure they'd give it a shoeing, but, no, they appear to love it! Roll on Thursday and the full 3D Imax experience. I can't wait!

11th December '09 - The Barclaycard saga took another turn today when the closing bill finally dropped through the letterbox. I promptly rang the call centre and requested a set of disclaimer forms, which the nice Indian lady said she'd email me straight away. That was four hours ago. She also asked my why I hadn't activated my new card yet. I said I hadn't received it. Oh what fun. Still, it's not as if I'm likely to need a credit card at this time of year, is it?

10th December '09 - From the age of nine, I've always descibed myself as a Kate Bush fan. It's been a label I've attached to myself for so long, I've forgotten what it meant. It's not something that lends itself to any form of rigorous examination, either. If I'm brutally honest, the last album from Kate was shit and the one before (fifteen years before) wasn't all that either. I spent a long twenty minutes of introspection today, cleaning the leather jacket that my mate Paul painted for me a few years back. (It's basically the kite bit from this, which isn't even my favourite Kate album.) and I got to wondering what it was about the lady that I'd managed to devote three-quarters of my life to championing. I mean, I even met my wife through the Kate Bush fan club, for God's sake, even though neither of us ever play the woman's stuff in the house anymore. I almost had a crisis of confidence. Then I found this on YouTube. Ah. Did I ever tell you I'm a Kate Bush fan?

9th December '09 - I don't drink spirits, I'm an ale boy. If it's over six per cent proof and served in small glasses, I'm generally not interested. However, my eyes were opened recently to an evil little brew called 'Red Stag' by those fine fellows at Jim Beam. Jim Beam scores highly in the ratings here at Fish Towers by not being Jack bloody Daniels and they've gone even higher in my estimation by coming up with what I can only describe as a black cherry bourbon. Yes, I know it sounds fucking disgusting, but believe me, it isn't. Far from it. When you've finished your night of quaffing and just require one last snifter for the road, treat yourself to a quick shot of this. Absolutely sublime...

8th December '09 - My mate Pete lent me an absolutely brilliant film this evening. Go and grab a copy of 'Moon' starring Sam Rockwell (whom I've previously cited as single-handedly ruining 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy', but is worthy of an Oscar here!) It's all about a lone astronaut acting as caretaker of an automated mining operation on the Moon. Two weeks before he's due to finish his tour of duty, he has an accident out on the surface...and wakes up to find himself back in the moonbase infirmary. How did he get there? Who brought him back? And why is his moon-buggy still where he left it? Brilliant, old-skool Sci-fi film-making (in the spirit of 'Silent Running' and 'Dark Star') that probably cost what Michael Bay paid for the wrap party on 'Shitformers 2'. Recommended.

7th December '09 - Went online to assess the fallout from yesterday and it's in a much better shape than it was. Barclaycard have tracked down and killed most of the rogue transactions (shame they can't do the same for the Nigerian shit that made them) and I'm now just left with the ones that went through before the alarm bells went off. I'm going to have to wait until the last one goes through the system (by the twelfth at the earliest), then send for a disclaimer form to wipe out the remaining nine hundred quid. All in all, the whole mess should be sorted out just before Christmas with a bit of luck. Talking of which, only seventeen days to go! Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men. Except fucking Nigerians...

6th December '09 - THIEVING FUCKING NIGERIAN CUNTS! There I was, first thing this morning, making one last Christmas purchase on Amazon at the Fishwife's request. I went for a bath and a read of the papers and about an hour later get a call from Barclaycard wondering why I'd purchased three and a half grand's worth of Nigerian airline tickets. Card cancelled, transactions binned and a load of weariness having to start again when the new card arrives, wiping all my online profiles and updating them one by one. Word to the wise - only buy from Amazon if the item is in stock with Amazon itself (you'll read it in the small print just below the price). If not, they sub-contract out to other 'trusted' companies (yeah, right!), with somewhat less resilient encryption systems like the place that got the missus's order, which is apparently based in Belgium. FUCKING THICK COMPUTER-MONG BELGIAN BASTARDS! Still, at least all my Christmas beer got through safely before the electronic curtain came down...

5th December '09 - Wolves 2 Bolton 1. Now that's more like it! Apart from a ropey last ten minutes when Bolton got a late one back and we turned into headless chickens again, it was pretty much a dominant Wolves performance all the way through. Funny, but whenever Kightly is unavailable, the rest of the boys seem to up their game. Milijas was superb, and his thirty-yard shot for the second goal was a work of fucking art. The only downer was that, yet again, SEB was utterly unable to find the net and Doyle, despite a lot of running and link play, wasn't much better. If I were a being paid as a Wolves striker and had just seen our thirty-four year old central defender slot his fourth of the season, I'd be feeling a bit embarrassed right now. Anyway, that's about it for us points-wise for the next two games, seeing as it's Spurs and Man United away. Let's see what the state of play is once the dust has settled...

4th December '09 - A-a-and that's it as far as my Senior Management career goes. My boss is back in the big chair and I'm back to being a working monkey once more. The poor sod got in nice and early this morning, all tanned and smiling. He sat down at his computer and opened his emails. Wallop. Four hundred and twenty-six of the bastards. Welcome back to the funny farm, old son!

3rd December '09 - I had a look at the notes I'd taken at the management meeting on Monday with a view to typing up the minutes today. I can't make head nor tail of a single fucking word of it...

2nd December '09 - It's just occurred to me that for the first time in over a decade, I've managed to go through the whole of November without nipping round to the pub behind where I work for a lunchtime pint of 'Harvey's Bonfire Boy', an absoultely stonking 5.8% seasonal brew only available during the eleventh month of the year. Knackers. My 2010 diary arrived on my desk this morning. I've already pencilled a reminder in for next year...

1st December '09 - Bugger me, where has this year gone? I came home from work to find the girls had blitzed through the flat and decorated everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. I have blue tinsel all around my monitor as I type this. Anyway, in the spirit of the festive season, I have just completed my patented 'Christmas Shopping Hour' (TM), which is the time of year when me, Mr. Barclaycard and our very good friend, Mr. PayPal attempt to complete all the gift buying in under sixty minutes. This year, the three of us broke the record, with everything done and dusted in thirty-seven minutes, finishing, as always, with my hand-rolled vanilla cigars. Can you believe some monkeys actually spend hours walking the malls at this time of year? They must be mentally ill...

30th November '09 - Management meeting today. I've always had a healthy contempt for management meetings in our place, as they never seem to be run to an agenda and always end up dragging on, so I had big plans for today, seeing as I was the one Chairing it for a change. This one would be different. This one would rattle through all the points and allow everyone to get away early infused with a sense of self-worth and a warm glow of inner contentment. At least that was the plan. Instead, the fucking thing dragged on for three solid hours as some silly bastard in love with the sound of his own voice managed to labour point after point. Erm, that would be me, then. My boss comes back next week. Frankly, it's about time...

29th November '09 - Wolves 0 Birmingham 1. By far the worst collective performance that Wolves have conjured up all season. None of them were fit to wear the shirt today and everyone, even Super Mick, was roundly booed off at close of play. No drive, no commitment, no ideas and no spirit. We are very possibly relegated already and it's not even fucking December. Appalling...

28th November '09 - Well, that's it. I have just ordered the last components I need before I begin putting my sexy new gaming pc together. Here's the case. Tasty, eh? And I know I really shouldn't, but seeing as how I play all my music through my computer, I've gone and treated myself to a set of these too. I don't think I'll be going out at all next year...

27th November '09 - Another day, another example of life at Senior Management level in our place: The boss's PA comes into my office, shows me a list of staff names and tells me the boss needs to know who is up to date with certain training by the end of the day. It's half eleven when she drops this on me. "How long has this been on his desk?", I enquire. "About a week", she replies. Whoopee. Another late finish. Funny, but I don't seem to recall any scenarios like this popping up over the course of my Management NVQ...

26th November '09 - Back to work, and I hadn't even got my coat off before I was told about a meeting I had up in Victoria in two hours time. Marvellous. What was it about? They didn't know. Who's called it? Pass. What room was it in? No idea. All I got told was that apparently my boss always goes to these meetings every month and that he knows all about it. I'm sure he does, but he didn't tell me or leave me any notes, did he? Never mind, I managed to wing it. Turns out it was all about our fleet of vehicles and hire contracts and replacements and such like. I didn't know anyone there and hadn't a bloody clue what half of them were on about, but a few of my standard stock managerial phrases got me through. "Let me collate all the information from the databases at my end and I'll get back to you" is always a winner, as is "I'm anxious to maintain a holding pattern until XXXX gets back" For sheer audacity though, nothing beats my personal favourite "Let's just concentrate on achieving the achievable." After an hour of this I could've sworn I felt my nose growing. And I ate all the plain chocolate biscuits, too...

25th November '09 - Finally! My lovely new Sapphire ATI Radeon HD 5850 has arrived, meaning I can oreder the final parts for my gaming rig. I'm all moist with anticipation...

24th November '09 - Five Finger Death Punch, Wolverhampton Civic Hall. Well, not quite, it was in the Wulfrun Hall round the back of the main venue. The Civic itself was playing host to the immortal David Essex, and since there's a very noticable bleed-through of sound between the halls, old Dave must've been far from impressed when his sedate rendition of 'A Winter's Tale' came complete with added echoes of "Break this shit down, motherfucker!" Still, an absolutely stonking gig by '5FDP'' only slightly marred by the lead singer of the support act 'Shadow's Fall' being an utter cock. Yes, you have lovely dreadlocks and they're so much longer and nicer than Rob Zombie's, but for fuck's sake, stop whirling them round your head every few seconds, you tit. Managed to get a couple of ales in my old boozer, 'The Giffard Arms', too. Must've been twenty years since my mate and I had been in there together. Not much had changed, though. The decor had gone more 'metal' and the jukebox had improved, but it was still full of arseholes. Singing along to 'Limp Bizkit'? Puh-lease!

23rd November '09 - I'm considering proposing a new arrangement to my dentist. How about if I savage him about the mouth with various metal implements whilst simultaneously taking all his money for a change?

21st November '09 - Chelsea 4 Wolves 0. I thought we were lucky to get nil.

20th November '09 - I've just seen how much Action Man 'Atomic Man' is going for on eBay. I now regret turning mine into Action Man 'Disfigured Burns Victim Multiple Bullet Penetration Man' with a bottle of lighter fluid and a hot needle somewhere back in the mid-Eighties...

19th November '09 - WHERE'S MY BASTARD GRAPHICS CARD?

18th November '09 - One of the lads at work told me this morning what they'd nicknamed one of my old bosses. Apparently, behind his back, he's known as Bongo. 'Books On, Never Goes Out'. We like.

17th November '09 - It's not even bloody December yet and the bill for next year's holiday dropped through the letterbox this morning, along with my Barclaycard bill, my Orange mobile bill and a reminder that I owe my dentist two hundred quid next time I see him. Piss off! Piss off, the lot of you!

15th November '09 - The penultimate David Tennant 'Doctor Who' story, 'The Waters Of Mars' has just finished and, for a Russell T. Davies script, it was surprisingly good. Very dark and not at all camp. Bit of a downbeat ending, too. Next up, is the Christmas and New Year double bill of 'The End Of Time', which, sadly, looks from the trailer to be yet another 'everything and the kitchen sink' job from Davies, as all - and I do mean all - this Doctor's past companions get trotted out out yet again for the big finale. This means another outing for Billie Piper's teeth. Now that is scary!

14th November '09 - Carter USM, Brixton Academy. It looks like Jim Bob and Fruitbat (sorry, 'Les') are going to make this an annual event. Ever since the 'Back In Bed' reunion tour in '07, there's been a Carter gig at Brixton in November and I've been at it. Tonight, we were treated to the first two Carter USM albums back to back in their entirety. Good stuff, and helped by the fact that, this year, the promoters had not oversold the venue. A fun time was had by all, and I got to take the gig home with me thanks to a brilliant bit of marketing which I'd like to see rolled out to every concert from now on. As I walked in, there were girls with clip-boards. You put you name down and gave them some money, for which you got a ticket. Immediately after the gig, you started queuing up the stairs. At the top, you were presented with a triple CD pack (still warm) which the sound engineers were burning in batches of fifty from the gig they'd just recorded. This means that, an hour after the last song, I was sitting at home, munching on a pizza and listening to a gig I'd just come from. How cool is that?

13th November '09 - In at quarter to seven, left at quarter past five. My boss, meanwhile, is sinking cold ones somewhere in Australia. Oh well, can't complain. I've moaned for months that I'm good enough for a crack at Senior Management level, so it's just a case of getting on with it. Weird situation to be in, though. On the one hand, I have to roll out what are proving to be some less-than-popular decisions from the big boys, because, for the time being, I AM one of the big boys. On the other hand, in three weeks time, I'll be back down eating from the same trough I'm currently filling up, so I'm trying to sweeten the swill as much as I can. I'm finding that Senior Management is an utterly thankless task. There will always be somebody, somewhere that you're pissing off, so it's all about damage limitation. Next weekend, my 'real' team will be on Lates and Night, meaning premium weekend payments. I, however, am 'core hours' for the time being and am not required to work weekends. This means I am effectively paying two hundred quid for the privilege of working at Senior Management level. With that in mind, I thought you might like to see my new staff photo...

12th November '09 - Re: yesterday's entry: It was the latter.

11th November '09 - My boss is away for three weeks, so I'm doing his job and fuck me, it's busy! There are two possible reasons for this. Either the role is always like this and my boss is doing an Oscar-worthy impression of being calm and in control at all times, or he's deliberately batted off all the weary stuff to a time when he knew he'd be away and some other silly bastard would have to deal with it. Hmm.

10th November '09 - Three to four weeks. Three to four sodding weeks. That's how long I have to wait for stocks of ATI HD 5850s to hit the UK. So here I am with a load of PC components, all ready to build my new gaming rig and I've got to wait until bloody December for the graphics card. It's like being Frankenstein. There's the bloody monster on the slab in front of my eyes, only the brain's in a jar in Transylvania and Igor's having it posted. 'Taters.

9th November '09 - Just saw some footage of yesterday's service at the Cenotaph. I nearly stuck my foot through the telly. How that one-eyed Scotch twat can stand there all solemn with a poppy in his lapel simply beggars belief. Even worse, right next to him was the soon-to-be ex-presidential candidate for Europe. Neither of these men should be at a service for war dead, they should be in the dock for war crimes. I did notice plenty of lamp-posts up and down Whitehall, though. They should come in handy one day...

8th November '09 - Wandering around South London today, I was almost blinded by the amount of 'Frankie Says' signs plastered about the place. Had I slipped through some sort of wormhole into 1984? No, it turns out there is a 'Best Of' FGTH' coming out just in time for Christmas. Ah, that'll give an entire new generation the chance to appreciate how mediocre and repetitive 'Relax' is, then...

7th November '09 - Wolves 1 Arsenal 4. Looking on the positive side, at least you can say that two Wolves players scored. Admittedly for Arsene Wenger, but, hey, you can't have everything. The ever-reliable Jody Craddock grabbed a late consolation to make up for his first-half own goal, but this one was always a step too far. We're now in the bottom three and facing Chelsea away next. Oh shit.

6th November '09 - I don't seem to have much luck with birthdays. Got up early today and went down to Ikea on the Purley Way to pick my present from the Fishwife; a new computer chair (which I'll have to put together myself). Next, we ended up doing a massive monthly shop at Asda 'as we were there', which took us up to early afternoon. Back to Streatham to collect Arya from school, before sitting in rush-hour traffic for forty-five minutes to get down to Mitcham for a carvery meal. Unfortunately, we were too early for the evening roasts and had to make do with the remnants of the lunchtime ones. I had a plate of beef gristle, some crunchy cabbage, several bullet-like potatoes and a Yorkshire pudding with the consistency of a chamois leather. Fortunately, there was a microwave pizza in the freezer when I got back, so all was not lost. It didn't faze me. Nothing could be as depressing as my twenty-first. Stuck in communal accomodation in Upper Norwood (on call) all evening playing a 'Wonderboy III' arcade machine and drinking Diet Lilt while my work colleagues went out on the piss on my behalf. Bastards.

5th November '09 - Another disappointing Bonfire Night here in Darkest Streatham. There was a crackle or two from over the Common, a big display up the road at Crystal Palace and that was pretty much it. We had a selection box in the back garden this time though, so all was well. Added to which. I bought some big fuck-off rockets and a large 'cake', which was basically ninety roman candles in a block with one fuse. Perfect for an idle bastard like myself. The best part of any Bonfire Night, though, has to be the smell, with the smoky night air full of sulphur and saltpetre. Glorious.

4th November '09 - Slight altercation at the Elephant this evening. There I was, waiting for the Streatham train when I suddenly became aware of a large woman of an Islamic persuasion having a loud and animated mobile phone conversation as she walked toward me. As she drew level, our eyes met. Unfortunately, just at that moment, she was shouting something that sounded suspiciously like "Yemmo! Yemmo!" into her Nokia. Now I know I really shouldn't have, but I immediately retorted with "Don't you 'yemmo' me, Madam, I'm a respectable married man!" There was a split second of silence before the good lady decided to indulge in what I can only describe as an ear-splitting selection of macaw impressions. Amusing as this undoubtedly was, it began to draw glances, so I took myself off to the other end of the platform. Thankfully, the train turned up at that point, so I jumped on and took a window seat. As it pulled out, my adversary and I briefly drew level and made eye-contact once more. I blew her a kiss. I swear I could still hear strains of parrot as we pulled into Herne Hill...

3rd November '09 - The one phrase guaranteed to make the veins in my neck stand out like the cables on the Forth Bridge is 'Government money'. I keep hearing things on the news like '£50 million of Government money given to Nigeria to help combat malaria' or '£76 million of Government money donated to the Democratic Republic of Congo to fund road building'. It all sound very worthy and desperately humanitarian until you realise one thing. There is no such thing as 'Government money'. Governments in and of themselves don't have any money. It's OUR fucking money; you and me, the mug taxpayer. This is the reason why I don't give to Oxfam, Comic Relief or any other overseas charity. Because I already am without my bastard knowledge or consent. They'll be round again soon, rattling the tin for Children In Need. They can fuck off. Poppies, Lifeboats and Macmillan Nurses and that's your lot as far as my wallet is concerned.

2nd November '09 - This Friday's 'EuroMillions' rollover jackpot is £90 million. That would make a nice birthday present for me, don't you think? Tell you what, if I win, I'll buy everyone on the Guestbook a pint. No, let's push the boat out; TWO pints. And a bag of scratchings. Lord Bountiful, that's me...

1st November '09 - November at last! I now have, either here at Fish Towers or on their way, all the components and peripherals for my new gaming PC, apart from one thing. I'm waiting for the little brother of this to be released (£100 cheaper, smaller, quieter and only 10% less processing power.) Another couple of weeks and I'll be good to go. Pictures of the build on The Fishtank once I've finished...

Hallowe'en '09 - Stoke 2 Wolves 2. Iwelumo, Doyle and Ebanks-Blake are all fully fit again and yet they're missing sitters. Between the three of them they scored fifty-nine goals last season and, as of this moment, that tally is four, yet Jody Craddock, our thirty-five year old defender, the oldest man in the team, the man who will be retiring at the end of the season, is the one scoring! We were howlingly bad in the first half, couldn't pass wind, and looked toothless every time we went forward, yet the second half was like watching a different side and a two goal comeback at this level is no mean feat. The next couple of games for us are Arsenal and Chelsea, so it was really important to get something from this one. I'm certainly not looking forward to the next two!

30th October '09 (Devil's Night) - Great googly moogly, it's nearly November! I have a couple of stonking gigs lined up for the month, namely Carter USM on the 14th and the mighty Five Finger Death Punch on the 24th. The former are pre-Brit Pop drum machine and sampling, the latter are full-on thrash hardcore. I will stake my life on me being the only person in the whole country to be including these particular two live acts in their busy social diary. Eclectic, I believe the term is. That, or 'weird'. On a sadder note, I was unable to watch my favourite film on it's own special day for the first time in years as I'm on Nights. Boo!

29th October '09 - I see the new 'Dances With Thundersmurfs' trailer is up. Wow!

28th October '09 - Apparently, the great and the good of Europe (read: 'other corrupt politicians') have decided that they don't actually want Tony B. Liar to be the new EU President after all. Shame. After all that trouble he went to dismantling a thousand years worth of English politics, too. Does this mean he and his slot-faced freeloading missus will now simply disappear into a quiet retirement? What do you think?

27th October '09 - Filming has started on the pilot episode of George R.R. Martin's 'A Game Of Thrones'. If the men in suits like what they see, we could be sitting down to watch it a mere fifteen months from now. This thought makes my head spin. My only worry is that the men in suits won't 'get it' and will refuse to commission a full season. Then again, they've shelled out for six years of that 'Lost' crap, so maybe I'm panicking unnecessarily.

26th October '09 - It's almost time to put in the order for the last of the components for my new PC. I'll just hang on for one more payslip and see if November brings any more DirectX 11 graphics cards onto the market and if not, I'll be putting everything together sometime around my birthday. If things suddenly go quiet after the sixth, you'll know that building your own PC was somewhat trickier than I was led to believe...

25th October '09 - While Nick Griffin is still fresh in our minds, why not pop along to this rather excellent site and give the fucker a slap or twenty? Marvellous!

24th October '09 - Wolves 1 Aston Villa 1. Another good performance, another blatant penalty refused. Still, a point is a point. From now on, things start to look a little scary, though. Stoke away next week, followed by Arsenal and then Chelsea. Oo-er!

23rd October '09 - Wasn't it fun on Question Time last night? Honestly, the number of people prepared to have a pop at Nick Griffin of the BNP simply because they didn't agree with his warped views! Neither do I, but he's a member of a legitimate political party and this is the land of (supposedly) free speech. You don't like his message, fine - don't vote for him. But howling him down achieves nothing except to push those marginalised white, British voters who feel their views on immigration are being totally ignored by the main parties straight into his arms. It was interesting to watch the programme with the interactive text on. The views of the people writing in were almost a polar opposite of the obviously hand-picked audience. (Incidentally, if racist, homophobic ranting winds these worthy people up so much, how come we never saw any of their faces outside Finsbury Park mosque a couple of years ago?) Anyway, the bottom line was that there was no way the Stalinists at the BBC were ever going to run this particular episode of Question Time to the usual format of a multi-party politcal debate. No, this was badger-baiting, pure and simple, and as a result, I wouldn't be surprised to see the BNP's membership shoot up considerably in the next few days.

22nd October '09 - And here I am again, starving myself until mid-morning, until I can go and have a second load of blood tests, this time to see if my thyroid is out of whack. This could explain my constant tiredness. Mind you, so could 'not getting enough sleep because my little sod of a daughter keeps climbing into our bloody bed at three a.m.'...

21st October '09 - They're keeping it quiet at the moment, but how do you like the sound of 7p on your Income Tax, VAT up to 20% and a substantial hike in National Insurance. Expect one or more of these to start dribbling out between now and Christmas, probably on a day when something big is going on elsewhere. It wouldn't surprise me if a second, deadlier strain of Swine 'Flu was announced shortly. You read it here first...

20th October '09 - Ah, the joys of sitting here typing at five in the morning with a steaming mug of coffee. (Well, I'm typing with a keyboard and sipping the coffee but you get the gist.) For the last three days, I've not set the alarm and simply woken up naturally (half past ten on Sunday - aces!) without being hassled by a five-year-old or an electronic bleep, and you can't imagine how refreshed I feel for it. It won't last now that I'm back at work, but, my God, did I need it!

19th October '09 - Went to see Robin, my dentist (that's 'Mister Bastard' to you), and there was good news and bad news. The good news was that he was able to rebuild my shattered front crown and stick a temporary one in until he could make me a new one. The bad news is that, yet again, I was obliged to hand over my payslip. Oh well, at least I can now smile comfortably again. Until I look in my wallet, that is...

17th October '09 - Everton 1 Wolves 1. If we play like this every week and still get relegated, I'll have no complaints. A great game all round, and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake is only a week or two from being totally match-fit again. He missed two glorious chances here - ones that he'd have buried last season - but he's improving. Craddock was a god at the back and shut Saha out for the whole match. If it wasn't for a momentary lapse of concentration (and Maierhofer being a bit rash), we'd have come away with all three points from a team that finished fifth last season. Great stuff, and more to come!

16th October '09 - Ok, that's me done for a few days. I'm off to Wolverhampton for a relaxing weekend, followed by a Monday morning trip to the dentist to get my knackered crown fixed (or pulled out, whichever costs less.) Meanwhile, Wolves are away at Everton on Saturday, so I'll be back to have a moan about our performance on Sunday. Laters 'taters...

15th October '09 - I'm almost done completing my wish list of PC components for the new gaming rig I'll be building next month. I've deliberately waited until Intel brought out the new i5 'Lynnfield' chip to see if it was any cheaper than their ridiculously-priced i7 'Bloomfield' ones. It is. Substantially so. However, although it runs cooler and draws less power, it also performs some 15-20% poorer. Until I add a liquid-cooling unit to the motherboard and overclock the twangers off it, that is...

14th October '09 - Bollocks. I've broken a sodding tooth again, not three weeks after my last six-monthly trip to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to take out a personal loan for another bastard crown. Either that or he'll decide there's no point and yank it, leaving me with a gap in the middle of my bastard face. Still, looking on the bright side, I did win on the scratchcard I bought to get change for the bus this evening. Paid a quid, won it back. That's about as good as it ever fucking gets round here.

13th October '09 - I'd almost forgotten what fun getting to know a new mobile phone could be. I finally finished updating my contacts this evening, after adding a load of top tunes and downloading a few choice games when it offered me the chance to update the firmware to the latest version. Like a twat, I said 'yes'. Lovely. Now I've got a brand spanking new operating system in it and absolutely no fucking games, music or contacts. Bastard cheap Finnish bastard Nokia crap. Bastards.

12th October '09 - One day. One fucking day was all it took our scumbag MPs to sweep the whole expenses thing under the carpet as they returned from their eighty-two day paid holiday. Our swindling, lying bitch of a Home Secretary - the one whose blatant embezzlement started the whole thing off - will not have to pay back the £177,000 she stole from us. Now there's a surprise. No, she was merely encouraged to offer a grudging apology. So that's alright, then. I said when this whole thing started that none of these bastards would ever have their collar felt and I was fucking right, wasn't I? Fraud and theft are for you and I, the little people. Our 'elected' representatives are above such petty concerns. I am so angry right now I could shit standing. The next person I see on the tube reading 'The Guardian' is going to get the toe of my boot up their arse...

11th October '09 - 'Boyzone' tickets: Now 20% off!

10th October '09 - I've just heard my first piss-poor two quid rocket of the year. Up it went, squealing it's way ineffectually into the Streatham evening sunshine followed by a barely audible 'pop'. Whoopee. It's Bonfire Month again. The little bastards are late this year. Perhaps it's proof of the credit crunch at work. The people that they're mugging simply don't have the cash that they used to...

9th October '09 - Just heard on the radio that Barack Obama has been awarded this year's Nobel Peace Prize. Has the world gone stark, staring mad? What the fuck for? The man hasn't actually DONE anything yet!

8th October '09 - Isn't it time Bruce Forsyth was put into a home?

7th October '09 - I was somewhat confused about my feelings just now as I clicked the 'Buy' button on Amazon for a one terabyte portable hard drive. On the one hand, I was chuffed to bits that I'd managed to pick up that much storage for a mere seventy notes. On the other hand, I was somewhat pissed off to realise that was exactly what I paid for a couple of 16GB USB sticks not six months ago. Cockends.

6th October '09 - Trollop from Hell Jordan is about to release her fourth autobiography. Four entire books about her life? How? Let's see...

"I got my tits done and get them out a lot."
"I turned myself orange."
"I sleep with anyone at least as, or slightly more famous than, I am."
"I get pissed a lot and am a fucking disgace whenever there's a camera around."

Four books? It took me twenty minutes to come up with four lines about the foul cow.

5th October '09 - I had to go for a set of blood tests today following a trip to the doctor last week where we tried to figure out why I was always knackered without mentioning the fact that I was somewhat overweight and worked shifts in a stressful job. The worst part was having to starve all bloody morning while the strong antibiotics she'd given me slowly ate away at my innards like the secretions of the Alien, leaving me doubled up in pain. The first thing I did once I left the surgery was lurch straight into McDonald's like some sort of Chav zombie and stuff a cheeseburger down my neck, which I promptly threw up the minute I got home. Even ill and starving, I'm incapable of eating this shit. Kind of a comforting thought, really...

4th October '09 - This has completely ruined 'The Lord of the Rings' for me. Bastards.

3rd October '09 - Wolves 0 Portsmouth 1. Dreadful. You just knew going into this game that, since we were playing a team who hadn't won a single game this season, we'd be getting turned over. And we were. Utterly shit performances all round, and, after tomorrow's games conclude, we could well be in the drop-zone. How many more times does Keogh have to play before Mick McCarthy realises he's simply not good enough? And how many more referees can there be who hate us? Two clear-cut penalties here and neither of them given. It's like there's a set of unwritten rules that all refs secretly share amongst themselves. There's the one where you have to play as many extra minutes as it takes for Man Utd to score and there's the other one where you don't give the bastards in the gold shirts a fucking inch. I'd bought a few tins of fine Polish lager to enjoy whilst listening to this, but after twenty minutes, I put them back in the fridge as I didn't want to waste them. A dire showing. Sort it out, Michael!.

2nd October '09 - Ireland has finally voted 'yes' to the European Treaty. We didn't get a vote. Gordon simply signed us up anyway because, you see, he knows best and you're just too stupid to be allowed to have a say. Coming soon? Kilometres on the motorway signs, Euros in your pocket and President fucking Blair. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

1st October '09 - The Wildhearts, Shepherd's Bush O2. Another stonking evening's entertainment from Ginger and the lads, who simply get better with each passing year. The stuff from the new album ('Chutzpah!') went down well even though Ginger virtually apologised for having to play it, but once they'd got the new songs out of the way, it was time to tear into the old classics, and time for me to go leaping around like a loon! I've lost track of the number of times I've seen these guys now. I've seen Tori Amos eleven times (before she went mad. Well, madder.) and I've seen Meat Loaf thirteen times, but The Wildhearts? No idea. Got to be north of twenty, though, and each gig is better than the last (well, apart from the 'Endless, Nameless' period, but we don't talk about that.) The only downer of the evening came when I realised that there was nothing to drink in the venue (I don't class Fosters or Carling as drinks), so I ended up nursing a couple of bottles of Tuborg poured into a wobbly glass all evening. Never mind, eh?

30th September '09 - Hot on the heels of yesterday's lacklustre performance by Gordon and his lovely smokescreen (sorry, 'wife'), Britain's biggest newspaper, 'The Sun', came out this morning and announced that, after twelve years of support for Labour, it would from now on be supporting the Conservatives as the best option for Britain's future. The political tide is turning at long last. I wonder if I should now switch my own political allegiances out of sheer contrariness? Change the colour scheme to red and champion whatever Gordon comes out with from now until next May? Or better still, paint the site yellow and start singing the praises of..erm, hang on..what's the bloke's name again?

29th September '09 - Following his 'speech of a lifetime' at today's Labour Party Conference, Gordon Brown will be the subject of a special TV programme tonight on BBC2 which will be asking if he 'still has what it takes to lead the country'.' "Still?" Where the fuck did they get 'still' from? As usual his missus was there to lend her support. "I know he loves his country and will always, always put you first", she said. True, Gordon does love his country. The only trouble is, his country is Scotland, isn't it?

28th September '09 - It's about this time of year that I try to inject a bit of morale and cameraderie into our department by attempting to organise a Christmas meal; not just for my team, but for anyone else who wants to tag along. The trouble is, I simply do not have the spirit or the motivation for it this year. Frankly, jollying the troops should be the responsibility of our disconnected Senior Management, not a poor fucker like me who always ponies up the deposit and finds himself out of pocket afterwards. No, this year I'm afraid it's invite only. I'll take my team of four out, invite a couple of hand-picked guests and leave the rest of them to the mercy of their respective managers. I simply don't have the cash anymore...

27th September '09 - Sunderland 5 Wolves 2. The scoreline is very flattering. Fact is, this was a closely matched game and could've gone either way in the second half. For a neutral viewer, this one would've been an absolutely cracking slice of end-to-end footballing entertainment. Unfortunately, I'm not a neutral viewer, I'm a Wolves fan, and as such, all I can say is 'bollocks!'

26th September '09 - A woman at work today asked me what I thought of Alesha and whether she was a better choice than Arlene or not. Who? What?

24th September '09 - Well, I've finally got an upgrade on my phone and am now the proud owner of a spanking new Nokia N85. There were loads of parameters to consider whilst weighing up the different options available to me in the Orange shop. Size, weight, quality of screen, memory, etc, but basically it came down to this being the only one with 'Pandemonium' as a built-in game. Ah, those fond PSOne memories!

23rd September '09 - Manchester United 1 Wolves 0. And that's us out of the League (sorry, 'Carling') Cup. Still a good game, very open and entertaining, even if it was our half-knackered sick notes versus Fergie's 'B' (and quite possibly 'C') team options. Nothing to be embarrassed about here from what I saw, though - and, yes, I did see it, thanks to a combination of listening to the commentary of Radio Five and watching a live internet feed from Saudi Arabian TV courtesy of this site. Kind of weird seeing the action nine seconds ahead of the commentary, but at least I'm not paying Rupert forty quid a fucking month for the privilege...

22nd September '09 - Regular visitors to this site will be capable of reading between the lines. You know me by now and can spot the difference between me being all fired up with something to say and me being half-pissed and on my soapbox. Well, sorry for wasting your time this evening, but I'm afraid it's the latter. I've been trawling through some old videos on 'YouTube' and I came across a handful of classics that I used to stick on in 'The Giffard Arms' way back when (cue Penfold reminiscing loudly on the Guestbook...) Anyway, I've downloaded at least a dozen of these babies so far, and my favourite by a long chalk is this one. Can't think why...

21st September '09 - I got an email from Orange today telling me I'm due for an upgrade. Now I really love my Nokia 6500 Slide, so I'm a bit wary about chopping it in...and for good reason. Every option in the Orange store is either a Blackberry (which are utterly ridiculous with their pinhead buttons and 'Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy' styling) or a bloody iPhone clone (huge touch-screen affairs that will be scratched to fuck ten minutes after you leave the shop.) They were sub-divided into categories as I perused the choices on offer. It was all 'Best Phones For Music' and 'Best Phones For Photography'. There was even a 'Best Phones For Facebook' section (though I suppose a heading of 'Best Phones For Friendless Wankers' might've caused some offence.) However, at no point did I see a 'Best Phones For Just Dialling In The Fucking Number And Talking To Someone'. Perhaps they've sold out of everything in that particular range...

20th September '09 - Wolves 2 Fulham 1. And those two goals came with Ebanks-Blake, Milljas, Kightly and Maierhofer on the bench! A cracking game, only slightly spoiled by the referee giving Fulham a penalty out of nothing, but three points are three points. I never thought I'd find myself praising Christophe Berra as 'Man of the Match', but he was a defensive god today! Sunderland away next weekend. Bring it on!

19th September '09 - Regarding my Euro Lottery prediction of a few short days ago; everything happened exactly as I said it would, save for one small detail. I didn't even win the poxy fiver this time. Still, some limp-shouldered, Gauloises-smoking onion-seller (wearing a beret and riding a rickety bicycle) is a hundred million Euros richer this morning. I hope he chokes on his camembert...

18th September '09 - Better. Not great, but better. I'm now semi-mobile again thanks to a combination of hard drugs, Ralgex and hot back compresses. I'm also strapped into my old weight-training belt for the first time since 1999 (which is, depressingly, three notches out from when I last used it.) I'm still walking like I've shat myself, but at least I'm up and dressed. Well, mostly. Socks are out of the question since my feet are currently  no-go areas. Like the nettles in our garden, I know exactly where they are, but touching them would cause indescribable agony and so I shall leave them alone. I can, however, sit bolt upright in my nice hard computer chair, which is why I've had a bit of a re-vamp here at the site. Hope you enjoy the new look!

17th September '09 - I am writing this from the comfort of the living room floor, where I am lying face-up and prone after royally shagging my back on the way to work this morning. I've no idea how it happened; I was stepping off the bus and sort of misjudged the depth of the step down. Next thing I knew, I'd missed the kerb completely and something went rip. Somehow I waddled into work, but it was just too fucking painful, so I waddled back to the bus stop and came home. The bed was way too soft and attempting to get in caused lights to go off behind my eyes, so I somehow made it down to this lovely, lovely hard wooden floor and here I lie with the netbook on my chest and a hot water bottle under my spine. Frankly, I think I'll be here for quite some time as the slightest movement sets me off whimpering like a spaniel. I've just taken a cocktail of Diazepam and Codeine, so maybe in an hour or two I'll be able to try the bed again. For the moment though, I'm staying right here. Herself has taken my boots off and left them on a table next to me. I feel like a corpse waiting to be washed down...

16th September '09 - What's happened to all our irate lorry drivers? A couple of years ago when petrol was eighty-four pence a litre, they were all blockading the M1 into London, full of fire and righteous indignation. Now it's one pound nine and, apparently, none of them give a toss. Perhaps they don't want to call attention to themselves in case the Old Bill search their cabs and find a murdered prostitute or two...

15th September '09 - Let me demonstrate the amazing Derren Brown-like powers of my precognitive mind. I'm going to put thirty quid on this Friday's 'Euro Millions' jackpot. I will not win eighty-five million pounds, but then again, neither will you nor anyone else from the UK. However, I will match two numbers and a bonus ball on one of my twenty lines and will come away with five pound sixty. I will then use my entire winnings to buy Saturday's copy of 'The Sun' and a four pack of Guinness. The following morning, I will read that yet another bloody Frenchman has won it. Again. I'll will curse him for a jammy cheese-eating surrender monkey loudly and with much vigour. I will then forget about the whole thing until the next big-money jackpot comes around, when I will follow the above procedure all over again to the fucking letter. Is that alright with you folks?

14th September '09 - One of the main reasons I don't watch television anymore is that everybody on it is a wanker. I'm not talking about presenters or guests; it's a foregone conclusion that these people are going to be tossers. No, I'm referring to the members of the public who pop up on game shows these days. Years ago, a game show contestant would come on, introduce themselves, share a bit of light-hearted banter with the host and then get on with whatever the game was. Nowadays, every single game one of them thinks they're auditioning for fucking 'Big Brother'. It's all mugging to the camera, whooping to the studio audience and shouting 'yeah!' and 'come on!' before doing whatever it is they're supposed to do. Get some perspective, you cretins. You're not motivating your exhausted team-mates in the last quarter of the Superbowl final, you're trying to win a month's wages off Philip fucking Schofield. Jesus, I hate you all...

13th September '09 - I want to invent something so I can get on 'Dragon's Den'. Not because I want to be rich and famous (though I do), but just so's when Theo comes out with his ridiculously banal "Let me tell you where I am...", I can come straight back with "I can see where you are, you're right there in front of me, you great big mong."

12th September '09 - Blackburn 3 Wolves 1. Blackburn didn't win this, we lost it. Now really, I don't mind Wolves being a bit toothless at the moment what with four first team players still out, but none of them are first-choice defenders and it was our defenders' schoolboy errors that cost us this game. No excuses, the back four were just shit. And, yes, that's aimed at you, Mancienne. We've always known we were going to struggle against the Chelseas and the Man U's, but these matches are the ones we should be looking to get something from. An appalling game. Dissect it. Learn from it. Move on.

11th September '09 - A lovely day! I went to be presented with my NVQ in Management today. Dolled myself up in my finest whistle, had a 'grip n' grin' photo with one of the big cheeses in our organisation, stuffed myself silly at the buffet and all in work's time, too. Blinding. The only downer was that neither my boss or our Development Manager could make it. Ah well, more samosas for the Fish!

10th September '09 - Regarding last night's World Cup qualifier, when was the last time England booked their passage to the finals with two games in hand? Has Fabio Capello switched our team for the Germans or something? Excellent stuff!

9th September '09 - For those of you who don't quite understand what an 'illusionist' does, let me just spell it out for you. If Derren Brown really could predict the Lottery numbers, do you honestly think he'd be wasting his time hosting increasingly shaky 'magic' programmes on Channel Four? Exactly.

8th September '09 - It made me laugh reading the words of that repellent shag Mandelson in the paper this morning. There he was, in all his puffed-up oiliness, banging on about all those naughty people file sharing and evading copyright law. Peter is apparently so incensed, he has agreed that anyone found downloading stuff they're not paying for will have their internet accounts terminated and is in the process of bullying the ISPs into enforcing this. Perhaps Mandy would care to explain exactly how he's going to police this? I'm especially interested in hearing how he expects to follow traffic through an anonymous, encrypted third-party server like BitTorrent. Go on then, Brains. In your own time...

7th September '09 - I've just had it confirmed that 'Costermongers' in Birmingham has finally bitten the dust. A sad day. From bunking off photographic college in Wednesbury at the age of seventeen for a quick pint of Copperhead and a bag of chilli crisps to propping up the bandit and chatting to old Rambo with my mate Bry for hours on end, this place formed part of my life for a nearly a quarter of a century. Even more than the original 'Intrepid Fox', this was the pub that defined me; that felt like my spiritual home. Shit, I'm going to miss this place...

6th September '09 - I've been quite scathing in the past about the American sense of humour. Things like 'Friends' and the painfully unfunny Adam Sandler have gone a long way to convince me that,as a nation, they simply had no concept of how to be amusing. Then I found out about the cult of the 'Three Wolf Moon' T-shirt and it's following on Amazon.com. I can't explain - just go here and start reading the reviews. Fantastic!

5th September '09 - Congratulations to my old mate Greg and his lovely new wife Debs on this, their wedding day. Live long and prosper, dudes!

4th September '09 - Joy! I've just found out that my favourite books are being made into (hopefully several) miniseries by HBO, the company that brought you 'Deadwood' and 'Rome'. George R.R. Martin's sublime 'A Game of Thrones' starts filming next month and stars Sean Bean, Jennifer Ehle and Lena Headey amongst others. Imagine 'Lord of the Rings' without all the wanky elves and hobbits, cross it with The War of the Roses (the actual one, not the crappy Michael Douglas film) and add a dash of The Borgias and you're on the right track. Mix in some sex, murder, incest, gratuitous nudity and shocking violence and voila! THE must-see miniseries of next year! I'm looking forward to seeing how one of the characters, Arya, is portrayed. She's the one I named my daughter after. Seriously, it's that good. If you ever, ever take just one piece of advice from your humble Fish, go here and buy this book. Go on, do it now!

3rd September '09 - I've just read that John Prescott will be championing Labour's green credentials in the 'Climate Change' arena from now on. This would be 'Two Jags' Prescott, right? Kind of like having Myra Hindley running the Girl Guides, one feels...

2nd September '09 - Go and see a film called 'The Hurt Locker', all about a US bomb-disposal team serving in Iraq. I'm still twitching with adrenaline now. Phew!

1st September '09 - After spending seven hours on the motorway yesterday, I can honestly say that all caravan owners shoud be locked inside their stupid fucking fibreglass boxes and the rest of us allowed to pile brushwood around the outside and set fire to it. The cocks.

23rd - 30th August '09 - St. Ives, Cornwall. Not long enough. Still, we managed to pack a lot in. Watched England win the Ashes while necking lots of Cornish cider, spent two glorious days on Marazion and St. Ives beaches (with regular pasty and St. Austell ale breaks), went to Porthleven to a fabulous restaurant (you've got to try this place. Honestly, the beer-battered fish with wasabi tartare is worth the drive down on its own!), went sliding in a kiddies fun-park (don't ask) and finally had a long look at Pendennis Caslte in Falmouth, where, to mark the five hundredth year of Henry VIII's accession, there were actors in Tudor costume mingling with the visitors. Lovely. All in all, a top week. I was blown away by the night skies down there too, clear as a bell without any glare from city street lights. I spent a few late evenings just staring up and watching the satellites pass over. You tend to forget there's anything other than the moon up there when you live in London...

22nd August '09 - Off for a week in lovely St. Ives. See you in September!

21st August '09 - Remember James Cameron? The genius director behind Terminator, Terminator 2 and Aliens disappeared from the radar after sweeping the board with Titanic back in 1998. Where has he been? What has he been doing? Well, he's been pushing back the boundaries of technology again like he did with CGI in The Abyss and T2 and with underwater imaging in Titanic, only this time he's invented an entirely new 3D camera system. For this. My jaw hurts from when it banged the floor just now...

20th August '09 - I found out at work today that I wasn't successful in my application for promotion. This means I won't be getting to spend all my time in meetings with the Senior Management Team and I won't be losing four thousand pounds a year in shift pay. You can just taste the bitterness of my crushing disappointment, can't you?

19th August '09 - Chief Executives at Radio One are apparently baffled as to why their listening figures are still dropping through the floor despite a heavy marketing push that has included spending vast amounts of licence-payer's money on cinema adverts. I may be slightly off the mark here, but I would've thought the lack of listeners was down to the station not playing any tune more than five years old and having a raft of talentless, self-satisfied pricks behind the microphone. Here, then, is one of the fundamental problems with the BBC. The right-on twenty-something spermheads responsible for making the programmes are not catering to the market, they're making them for themselves. They think that Chris Moyles is God's gift to radio, so Chris Moyles is what we get, despite the fact that everyone hates the fat bastard and switches off the moment he opens his gob. The same mindset is responsible for the continued existence of Jonathan Ross's career, too. Depressing.

18th August '09 - Wigan 0 Wolves 1. When the radio utters the words "...and Andy Keogh as the lone striker up front", it doesn't exactly inspire confidence, but the boy certainly earned his pay slip here! To be fair, Wigan were shonky and the ref had a howler, but despite them having a good 65-70% of the play, they never looked that threatening, especially when Koumas was on the ball. Every time the ex-Albion striker picked it up, he got treated to a deafening chorus of boos from the travelling Barmy Army. Quite put the poor lad off his stroke! Anyway, we've broken our duck, put three points in the bag and can now look forward to the mighty Man City on Saturday. I wonder if any of our six injured first-team players will be back by then?

17th August '09 - Aah! That wonderful feeling that only comes with knowing that there's a mere four days of work left before I can chill out for a lovely week in Deepest Cornwall. Let's hope this weather holds up, eh?

16th August '09 - Sony pictures have just green-lit the next two 'Spider Man' movies. Hands up who gives a shit?

15th August '09 - Wolves 0 West Ham 2. Cock. Still, it wasn't as bad as the scoreline suggests. Both teams had the same number of chances and were fairly evenly matched. It's just that the Hammers finished theirs when they came along whereas we wasted our balls. Or gave them to Keogh. The good? Milijas looks a bit special and Mancienne has slotted straight back into a team he hasn't seen for eight months. The bad? SEB off with a hamstring knock. Not looking good for us at Wigan on Tuesday...

14th August '09 - Wolves have re-signed Mancienne on loan from Chelsea. Yes!

13th August '09 - My big sis's birthday, and as she's down in London for a U2 concert (taste in music doesn't run in our family), we all went out for a meal. I've often passed this place on the way to and from work, but never been in. What a mistake! Awesome food, great service and a funky (if a little loud) atmosphere. We had a really great time, the portions were huge and the staff couldn't do enough to make sure we enjoyed ourselves. They also introduced me to my new favourite food. Deep-fried jalapenos in breadcrumbs stuffed with cream cheese and served with a hot salsa dip. I now want to eat nothing but this three times a day for the rest of my life. Washed down with ice-cold bottles of Sol. Blinding!

12th August '09 - I've been asked to be a Best Man again. The last time I did this involved a week in Corfu where I almost got the groom drowned after convincing him to be dragged behind a speedboat in a large rubber ring for a laugh. (Hey, how was I to know he'd flip upside down the moment he shot of the jetty?) We both ended up skint, sunburnt to buggery and were so hoarse from alcohol and tobacco abuse that we had difficulty speaking our lines on the day, so I was initially a bit reluctant to agree to the duty once more. Happily, this time, the event will be in Bedford, so I expect it to be a far more grown-up and sedate affair. Unless I can get access to some mind-altering pharmaceuticals by the fifth of September, that is...

11th August '09 - I had a thought about this promotion lark today. I really don't see why I should have to forward reams of paperwork to my Line Manager justifying myself and my achievements. Surely if he was any good at his job, he'd know how good I was at mine, wouldn't he? I put this to him over the phone. He hung up on me, laughing...

10th August '09 - I'm somewhat bemused everytime I see some minor celebrity sobbing their eyes out after tracing their ancestors on the BBC's 'Who Do You Think You Are?' programme. I'm not sure I could connect with my great-great-grandfather, even if I found out he was a general in the Crimean War or the inventor of the sheep or something. However, I'm sure that in a century or so, should one of my daughter's grandchildern become famous, they'll no doubt be weeping buckets when they find out that they're descended from me...

9th August '09 - Apparently, that odious reptile Peter Mandelson is in charge of the country this week while Gordon Brown is on holiday. Leaving aside for a moment the fact that an unelected member of the House of Lords is covering for a Prime Minister nobody voted for, my main concern is that this is Peter bloody Mandelson we're talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd sold Downing Street complete with furniture and carpets by the time the fat Scotch halfwit had cleared Customs...

8th August '09 - West Scumwich Albion 1 Newcastle 1. I think it's going to be a lo-o-ng season for both these teams of stripey shagwits. Still, why should I care? They're not even in our division! Arf! Arf!

7th August '09 - Well, yesterday saw my annual attendance at the Great British Beer Festival, and a good time was had by all. The only downer (if you could call it that) was that this year, we actually managed to get a taste of most of the top three beers as voted for by the CAMRA bigwigs. Usually, the winning ales are all gone by the Thursday, but not this year so we had a swift half of each in the interests of scholarly research and...well...we were somewhat disappointed. The winning beer ( a ruby mild) was best descibed as being 'alright', the second place beer was off and the third place one smelled like canal water and tasted about the same. God knows what the CAMRA boys' palates are like, but we managed to find some far tastier beverages, the king of which was Amber Breweries 'Chocolate Orange Stout' from Derbyshire, which sounds disgusting but was actually the sort of ale you'd stab someone for another pint of. We stood by that particular barrel and pretty much drank the lot. Look out for it. Glorious!

5th August '09 - Yay! The Great British Beer Festival 2009 is underway and there's only one more day before I get to sample lots of lovely, lovely ale. CAMRA have just posted the list of this year's winning brews here. Are you familiar with any of them? If not, why don't you pop along to Earls Court tomorrow and join me as I work my way through the list. To make it easier for you this year, I'll be the one in the Wolverhampton Wanderers top with 'Billy The Fish' on the back. Go on, you know it makes sense!

4th August '09 - Here's my favourite new band right now. Absolutely awesome!

3rd August '09 - As a representative of the lowest link on the managerial chain, I occasionally get lumbered with some unpleasant chore as part of my day to day duties that the members of the SMT can't be arsed with. Today, I had to undertake a 28 day home visit for a colleague who's been off long-term sick. I didn't particularly want to spoil his day sitting in his house talking bollocks any more than he wanted to listen to me, so I called him up and pitched an idea to him. "How about we meet at that nice pub by the canal down the road from you and have a spot of lunch in the garden?" Needless to say, the chap was sold, so that's what we did. Ten minutes of paperwork and welfare-type formalities, then a lovely bowl of chilli nachos and a pint of shandy (I was driving) followed by a good old chat in the sunny garden watching the ducks on the water and putting the world to rights. He had another couple of ales and we both had a thoroughly pleasant couple of hours, which was only spoiled when I had to go back to work for the second half of my shift. I wish I had a manager like me.

2nd August '09 - Well, it looks like it may be true after all. I spent what could well be a final happy evening in Costermonger's last night, where we were informed that the joint would be closing it's doors on the 15th of this month. Nobody either in front of or behind the bar knew why, who the buyer was or what would happen to the premises, but it's a fair bet that whatever it re-opens as will be a boozer in some shape or form. There's no upstairs to the place and no shop-window frontage - it's basically a set of steps into a cellar with a bar at the bottom, so there ain't a lot else you can do with the premises. Anyway, I had a last bottle of Newcastle Brown for old time's sake then went home wondering how long it will now take some bastard to purchase Scruffy's. A sad evening.

1st August '09 - I'll be building a new PC this winter (once Windows 7 and the new DirectX 11 graphics cards are released), and although I've pretty much picked all my components out, such as the OCZ Vertex solid state gaming drive, the two terabyte hard drive and the Blu-Ray re-writer, I still can't decide upon one crucial electronic item, though. Shall I go for a really fast graphics card or an insanely fast graphics card? Decisions, decisions...

30th July '09 - Hearing rumours that the mighty 'Costermongers' rock pub in Birmingham is about to close. I've been going in there since the mid-Eighties. I had short hair when I first set foot in Costers! (Yes, I know I've got really short hair now, but that's not what I mean. I mean before I grew it long and had a ponytail and then went bald sort of timescale.) The place has been part of my life since I first started going out. We used to get the train from Wolverhampton to Birmingham just for a beer in Costers before we learned to drive, for God's sake! Is nothing sacred anymore? Man, I'm depressed...

29th July '09 - There's an opportunity for me to go for promotion at work. Should I be successful, the first thing they will do is take me off the shift pattern. Ok, let's examine this for a moment, shall we? More responsibility, more stress, less money. Hmm.

28th July '09 - I've not been quite myself lately. Tired, irritable and always feeling a bit 'down' - not the usual jovial Fish you all know and tolerate. At first I thought maybe it was all the stress of the NVQ I was doing or maybe a fallout from the current reorganisations at work, but that would imply I thought those things were really important parts of my life, which they're patently not. So what could it be? Swine 'flu? Nope, not yet, and anyway despite what the Government is telling you to take your mind off their expense fiddling, swine 'flu is simply a milder version of the normal seasonal variety. What then? Why am I feeling like this? Then it dawned on me. It's almost August and I haven't been to Cornwall yet. I'm obviously suffering from a particularly vicious attack of SPD - Seasonal Pasty Disorder. My God, I haven't had a large steak one from Philps of Marazion for fourteen months! To make matters worse, I've not supped a freshly-pulled pint of Sharp's Special in all that time, either. Luckily, the end of this terrible malaise is in sight. Only four weeks to go and I will be cured. It's a miracle! Hallelujah!

27th July '09 - As I've been out of the loop for the past week or so, I thought I'd check in with my beloved Wolves to see how the pre-season preparations for a year in the Premiership were coming along. Well, we've just had a friendly with Bristol City which we lost 2-0 and prior to that we had one against the mighty Port Vale, which we lost 2-1. Hmm. Still, could be worse. Newly relegated Newcastle were slaughtered 6-1 by Leyton Orient while wearing their new comedy away kit. Oops!

26th July '09 - Apparently, the new 'Transformers' movie is shit, even with more shonky robot tomfoolery and more Megan Fox arse footage. Wow. Never saw that coming...

25th July '09 - Finally got all the pieces of my NVQ together, save for one or two bits of covering evidence, such as graphs and charts. That's it. I'm finally done with formal education and self-development. At the age of forty, for fuck's sake...

19th July '09 - I'm off for a few days now, as I've got to finish the final write-ups for my NVQ in Management. To be honest, I wish I'd never started the bleeder. I'm sick of the sight of 'Encouraging Innovation', 'Implementing Change' and 'Providing Leadership' and I've not even considered looking around for a promotion yet. Never mind, though. Once this is done, I get my free time back and can turn my attention to my next challenge - building my own big fuck-off gaming PC all ready for 'Bioshock 2' in November! Oh yes! Anyway, back on the 25th...

18th July '09 - Most of the blokes at work believe that the moon landings were real, too. I have been officially designated the departmental 'conspiracy theory fruitcake' today. I can't believe a bunch of photographers can't recognise pictures shot under studio lighting when they see them, but frankly, fuck 'em. My faith in the ability of my fellow professionals to spot the bleeding obvious has been irreparably damaged. They'll be telling me next that Wolves will be going straight back down next season, the poor, deluded fools...

16th July '09 - ...And three weeks today, it'll be Great British Beer Festival time once again! Woo Hoo!

15th July '09 - CAMRA sent me my membership renewal today, together with a 'thank-you' consisting of a shit-load of '50p off a pint at Wetherspoons' vouchers. They're also running it as a  promotion for all new recruits, so what are you waiting for?

14th July '09 - Spent two hours in a pointless meeting at work today trying to figure out how, under the new team restructuring proposals, we can run a 24/7 shift pattern with seven people. The Senior Management Team had tasked us in the 'working group' to come up with possible solutions. Sadly, my answer of 'you can't, don't be so fucking ridiculous' was not deemed to be either relevant or particularly helpful and so I resigned myself to staying fairly quiet after the initial brainstorming session...

13th July '09 - I happened to respond to an article on the American movie site 'Ain't It Cool News' this evening which was full of pride at the fortieth anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing and it all went a bit Pete Tong. All I said was that it was obviously all done on a film set and looked bollocks even back then, and, to a man, the fuckers went for me! Amazing! I had no idea the Yanks were still swallowing this one after four decades, but apparently they are. Almost ninety per cent of them, according to my research. Like old Abe Lincoln said, you can fool all of the people some of the time...

12th July '09 - I've just checked my Euro Lottery ticket and found that I've won £6.90. Unfortunately, it cost me £7.50 to do so. Arsecakes.

11th July '09 - Went to an Eighties fancy dress party this evening. The Fishwife back-combed her hair, slapped on the purple eyeshadow and raided Primark for beads and leg-warmers. I simply pulled my old college-days 'Marillion' denim down from the wardrobe and hey presto - it was 1987 again. Then, when we got there, I simply stood at the bar with a bunch of outrageously-dressed blokes sipping cider while the girls bopped round their handbags to Spandau Ballet. Actually, now I come to think of it, it was almost exactly like being back in the 1987. The only difference was that this time, at the end of the evening, I went home with a woman...

10th July '09 - Bloody hell, that was good! I've just watched the final episode of 'Torchwood' and it was a belter. Very dark and very enjoyable. I can't remember the last time I stayed in on a Friday night because there was something unmissable on the telly! I would say I will definitely be watching any future episodes of the programme, but after that ending I'm not sure there'll be any! Still, that was a great bit of British sci-fi and there's always room for more of that. Now how about that 'Blake's 7' remake?

8th July '09 - There's less than a month to go until the Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court! How the hell did that happen? Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies, however, like bananas...

7th July '09 - I really didn't want to, but I started watching the new five-part 'Torchwood' on BBC1 tonight. Partly because I've never actually seen the programme (Captain Jack Gay Issues kept putting me off) and partly because I'm paying for the fucking BBC whether I watch it or not. Anyway,  the trailer looked a bit 'Quatermass', so I figured why not? You almost never get five part dramas playing out over consecutive nights, so I decided to give it a go. Well, it's not bad from what we've seen so far. Yes, the Russell T. Davies gay agenda is as heavy-handed as I'd always imagined, but there was an engaging story in there somewhere (most of it stolen from John Wyndham), so I shall be back for more tomorrow. That Welsh bint is a bit of alright, too...

5th July '09 - In a few short weeks, once the Michael Jackson circus has died down, we'll all be bored shitless by the fortieth anniversary celebrations of Neil Armstrong not landing on the moon. I'm not usually one for conspiracy theories - Elvis is dead, Oswald killed JFK and there's no such thing as UFOs - but I firmly believe there is no way whatsoever the Yanks pulled off a successful moon landing back in '69 using computers with the processing power of a Sega Mega Drive. If they'd landed there forty years ago, they'd have a fucking 'Starbucks' up there now, wouldn't they? Anyway, if you think I'm talking bollocks, have a look here. Food for thought...

4th July '09 - There was some cock on the radio this morning banging on about the 'green shoots of recover' and saying that we were 'turning the corner' of the recession. Let's wait until November and see what happens to our National Insurance payments before blowing the trumpets, shall we? And then, once Christmas is nicely loaded up on the credit card, let's see what Alistair has in mind for VAT. Will it go back to the rate it was before, do you think? Or will he be unable to resist the temptation to hike it up to twenty per cent? Trust me, the only green shoots you're likely to see for the next eighteen months at least are if you decide to dye your pubes...

3rd July '09 - The White Horse (aka the 'Sloaney Pony' in Parson's Green) was running it's American Beer Festival Weekend again this year, so we decided to pop along after work to see what was on. There were far more draught ales than last year's inaugural festival, but what caught my eye was the four different Rogue bottled beers on the bottom shelf of the wine cooler. There was 'Dead Guy Ale', 'Mocha Porter', 'American Amber Ale' and - oh my God - 'Rogue Chocolate Stout', the finest bottled beer in creation. So I had one of each. Then I had another Chocolate Stout for the road, before wobbling off home a very happy man. I was also a very skint man, as they were charging £6.75 a bottle. Still, I don't care. I tend to pay that for a bottle of red and I've never enjoyed any wine half as much as I enjoyed that sweet, sweet beer. Here's hoping that Rogue turn up at the Earls Court next month!

2nd July '09 - Rumour Control! Apparently, Gillian Anderson is being lined up to play renegade Time Lord 'The Rani' in David Tennant's last-ever 'Doctor Who' appearance before he regenerates into new boy Matt Smith. You read it here first, monkeys!

1st July '09 - I simply cannot believe what I heard on the radio this morning. Michael Martin, the disgraced ex-Speaker of the House of Commons, is going to be given a Peerage and elevated to the House of Lords. Why? For what, exactly? Presiding over the most corrupt, money-grabbing political regime in British history? This astonishing little revelation illustrates two very salient facts. Firstly, that the scumbags in Westminster still don't get how angry the public are over their years of embezzling and secondly, that the Queen is either woefully politically naive or suffering from advanced senile dementia if she's putting her seal on this. It's time for a revolution, comrades. Where's my beret?

30th June '09 - I don't know about you, but I'm sick of the sight of Michael bloody Jackson. If I hear 'Billie Jean' once more, I'm going to set fire to something...

29th June '09 - Ye gods, it's hot! I've just come off Nights and it was well over twenty-five degrees when I walked out of the building at seven o'clock this morning. I'd spent the whole shift in air-conditioned bliss, so to be slapped in the face with a wall of heat when I opened the door to leave was a bit of an eye-opener. Have you ever tried to sleep when the temperatire is rapidly climbing up to the thirty degreee mark? It ain't pleasant...

28th June '09 - I can't leave it alone. This Windows 7 is the puppy's pods! Because my little Asus Eee hasn't got a disc drive (it's Solid State, dear. Tiny as fuck, but very, very fast!), I had to create a virtual drive on a USB stick to load it on. Bit of a pain in the hoop, but boy, was it worth it! It started up in ten seconds, then *ping* it found the built in webcam that Ubuntu couldn't see. A couple of seconds later and *ping*, it had linked itself in with my wireless box (that alone took an hour of typing with Linux). The clincher came when, on a whim, I shoved the Vodafone USB dongle in that I'd bought in January, only for Ubuntu to completely ignore. *Ping*, there you go, Bill. Would you like to use this Vodafone connection or stick with the old Orange Livebox? This is what mobile computing is all about. Now watch me take it work and drop it...

27th June '09 - After months of perserverance, I've given up pissing about with Linux. Sorry, boys, I know it's open source and all that, but it's such a fucking ball-ache adding lines of bloody code when all you want to do is click on something and have it work first time. After being presented with yet another six line algorithm on the netbook this morning, I decided that enough was enough, so out went Ubuntu and in went the beta version of Windows 7. This should be interesting. And expensive if I don't uninstall it before March...

26th June '09 - Well, it's goodbye to Michael Jackson, and I'm sure this'll be one of those moments that everyone remembers where they were when they heard the news and how they reacted. Me, I'd just booked on for Night Duty and my first thought was "Oh shit, I hope he's not here in London, I'm going to be out for fucking hours!" Happily, this uncaring attitude was swiftly replaced with one more reflective of my true nature. "Poor Bubbles..."

25th June '09 - They keep telling us there's a credit crunch, but it took me over twenty minutes to drive the half-mile length of Clapham High Street at ten o'clock tonight because of all the people outside the bars, drinking in the street, wandering in and out of the traffic or simply looking for a place to park. It's a Thursday night, for the love of God! Why aren't they in bed for work tomorrow? Where are they getting their money from? Can I have some?

24th June '09 - Another day, another exam. I'm coming to the end of my NVQ studies and today brought a full-on seminar on Health and Safety Leadership in the Workplace, followed by a written exam with a pass rate of 70% or better. The building where it was held was without working air-con and we all sat there sweating over our papers in a thirty degree sauna. Oh, the irony...

23rd June '09 - It was 'The Wildhearts'. One of my favourite bands. I should really have taken it easy with all those pints of Copperhead I necked in The Giffard back in the day...

22nd June '09 - It never gets boring living here in London. I was up the West End again this afternoon, when who should I see but him off the telly! No sooner had I recovered from that when I noticed, standing right behind me, her out of that thing! You know, the one who wore that outfit! You could've knocked me down with a feather! What a city! Marvellous!

21st June '09 - I have taken to wearing a pork pie hat. People have taken to laughing at me. I'm thinking 'smart and snappy'. They're thinking 'dobber'. C'est la vie.

20th June '09 - I spent a very happy half hour this evening on a computer website designing my own custom gaming rig. Solid state hard drives, quad graphics, 7:1 sound - all the bells and whistles. Then I added everything up and saw that it'd cost about three grand, so I pressed the 'delete' button. Out of curiosity, I then went onto a pc component stockist and was amazed to find that if I bought all the bits I wanted and built my own, I'd be looking at something like sixteen hundred notes. Hmm...I wonder...

19th June '09 - I had a bit of a 'senior moment' today. For weeks now, I've been reminding myself that the next time I was in the West End, I had to pop into Stargreen and pick up some tickets. Today, I found myself outside Stargreen completely unable to remember where I'd put the receipt. Worse, I'd forgotten who the fucking hell I was supposed to be seeing. I stood there like a stuffed tit outside the shop reading the listings in the window for five minues before eventually wandering off and buying an ice-cream. I'm home now typing this and I've still got no idea. I shall go through all my old emails, find the confirmation and let you know. Jesus.

18th June '09 - People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Not unless they're really, really soft stones and they throw them ever so gently. Preferably towards an open door.

17th June '09 - The Government (you know, the one that doesn't actually control any councils anymore) has just announced that we are all getting an extra £6 per year slapped on our phone bills to pay for fast broadband access for those who are currently without it. So people who live in beautiful, remote places from Mullion Cove to Coille Bheag will soon be able to engage in a spot of frantic online Counter Strike or Team Fortress 2 multiplayer action whenever they get bored of staring at the breathtaking scenery or listening to the waves crash against the shingle. The jammy bastards.

16th June '09 - A seventy-three year old geezer from Bolton has become the latest Euro Lottery 'super jackpot' winner after picking up £75 million last Friday. Predictably, the first thing the old git came out with was the tired old adage of it 'not going to change his life'. Then why did you play in the first place, you doddering old fool? What's the betting he stays in exactly the same house in bloody Bolton and does nothing except get a new pigeon coop or have his shed windows done? Senile knob.

15th June '09 - That fat Scotch pissbag has announced a new smoke-screen to deflect attention away from the fact that everbody wants him to go. Apparently, we're finally going to have an inquiry into the Iraq war. Unfortunately, it will be held in private by Government appointed lapdogs and is therefore unlikely to reach the same conclusions that the rest of us have; namely that we were fed a load of lies and spin so that the jug-eared grinning goon could play the big man on the world stage by backing up his half-wit American pal and go kicking the shit out of a country for no apparent reason. Any half-decent inquiry would declare the war illegal, charge Blair with war-crimes, find him guilty of being complicit in the deaths of 179 British soldiers and hang the fucker, but somehow, I don't see this being the outcome here. Pass the whitewash, vicar...

14th June '09 - You've got to hand it to Mr. Armoured Dinner Jacket, the newly 're-elected' Iranian President. Hold a general election, rig the result so that you win against all the prevailing opinion polls, wait for all you opponents to crowd the streets in protest and then simply get your army to shoot them. He might look like Sonny Bono's idiot brother, but he's not stupid, is he?

13th June '09 - What a lovely sunny weekend we're having! This is traditionally the week that I go to Cornwall, but this year we're having an August visit. What's the betting it'll be pissing down by then?

11th June '09 - I've just read through the last couple of posts and have to apologise. I really shouldn't take things too seriously. I should count my blessings that I still have a job in these turbulent times. I could so easily be on the dole, couldn't I? Imagine how awful that would be! Waking up naturally every morning instead of being shocked out of slumber at 05:00. Not having to work a Night Shift. Having no reason whatsoever to remain in shitty London. It doesn't bear thinking about...

10th June '09 - I'm in shock. It's my own fault, but I genuinely believed that, as a low-level manager, the people higher up the food chain than myself must, by definition, be better managers than I. I know how tricky I find the role, yet I think I do a good job and what I put in place using my organisational skills does tend to work, and so I get the job done and look after my team in the process. I always thought that the higher managers worked in pretty much the same way, only with more responsibility. However, after spending sixteen months conducting a 'review' of my department, they are now going to form 'consultancy groups' with the staff to find out how to 'implement change'. In other words, they've cherry-picked the bits they want to keep, but they're out of ideas as to what to do with the rest (ie, my bit). They won't sack us, so it's down to the people on the consultancy groups to figure out exactly how we'd like to fuck up our own jobs and then report back to them so they can rubber stamp it. Coming to realise, as I have in the last couple of days, that the people you've looked up to and aspired to be like genuinely don't know what they're doing has been a sobering experience for me. I confess to feeling a bit foolish at my naievity...

9th June '09 - Duty Officer week again. Tied to the phones dealing with all sorts of idiotic requests and tasking disinterested staff with uninspiring work. In the future, the Director of our organisation sees this as being pretty much the only role for my grade when we relocate to our new areas. After booking everyone on duty, I sat down with a bit of paper and worked a few details out. I was amazed to find that if I told them to shove their 'management' role up their hoop and went back to being a 'basic' grade, I'd keep my shift, keep my operational vehicle and be around four thousand quid a year better off. The downside, of course, is that I'd no longer enjoy all the wonderful perks of being a 'manager', such as writing reports, compiling figures, creating personal development reviews, filling out sickness returns, allocating annual leave and generally dealing with a never-ending bunch of moaning arseholes day in, day out. Fuck me, what a dilemma...

8th June '09 - The BNP apparently won a couple of seats in the European Parliament. I'm looking forward to seeing them have their interviews dubbed with a ridiculous, slightly effeminate voice like they used to do with Gerry Adams back in the day...

7th June '09 - As I drove into work this morning, it was absolutely lashing down and a serious thunderstorm was turning Clapham High Street into a river. Just as I pulled up at the lights opposite Kennington Church, I looked into the distance and saw a massive jagged bolt of lightning strike the 'Gherkin' a few miles ahead of me. At that precise moment, the car radio went dead and the most mind-buggering bang of thunder rattled the windows. Cool! I love weather like this. Bizarrely, on the way home eight hours later, it was blazing sunshine and twenty degrees. That'll be 'climate change' then. Best we all give Alistair some more taxes...

5th June '09 - Bit of a red letter day today. We finally had the review of our department a mere sixteen months after it was announced. In a nutshell, it looks like the team I left two years ago (the one I helped create and spent thirteen years in) will be given everything they want and a bag to put it in, while my current team will be strip-mined of ten staff, split into four and shoved out to various buildings around London. Being a 'management' grade, they saved the best 'til last for us. We will be sent out with the rest of the troops, only we will no longer be required to work a shift, merely to act in a training and advisory role for other staff during office hours. In practical terms, this means that I lose a fifteen per cent shift allowance, Inner London weighting and a dedicated operational vehicle. In REALLY practical terms, I lose the ability to actually take photographs as the professionally qualified Photographer they employed me as, gain an hour and a quarter commute twice a day and forfeit one-seventh of my total annual salary into the bargain. The Director did stress however that he saw my grade as being 'pivotal to the future training and development of imaging services throughout our organisation.' Which was nice.

4th June '09 - The Fishwife has graciously agreed to let me buy a Nintendo Wii with the 'Guitar Hero: Metallica' game (complete with the skull guitar!), but only if I buy her this when it comes out. Hmm...

3rd June '09 - I've been toying with the idea of a Nintendo Wii. Partly because The Fishwife wants the Wii Fit wobble-board exercise thing (all the other Mums have one) and partly because the ten pin bowling is a hoot. However, I decided today that on no account will I ever be getting one, because if I did, I'd have to buy this and that would mean I'd get sacked, because there's no way I would ever leave the house again.

2nd June '09 - For the first time in my life, I have bought a new Wolves football top before the season starts. As of August, we're a Premier side and I don't want to waste a single day of the experience, so I was in the Wolves shop today getting my brand new home shirt with the lairy new 'SportingBet' logo. Then, in a moment of madness and for reasons that escape me, I decided to have the number '09' printed on the back and 'Billy The Fish' printed across the shoulders. Naturally, they then asked me if I wanted the Barclays Premier shoulder logos too (and I felt it would be rude not to) and so that's how I came to pay seventy quid for a football shirt. Ah fuck it, it's only once a decade, isn't it?

1st June '09 - Hang on, it's June. Bloody June! Where in God's name did that come from? Half way through the year and I have no idea where the time has gone. People say that the years fly by quicker as you get older, which is frankly worrying. It seems about six weeks since I put the Christmas tree up and in what will no doubt feel like another six weeks, I'll be doing it again. The only consolation I have is that I've just realised it's only two months until the Beer Festival. Man, I need a Tardis...

31st May '09 - Woke up to the sound of sirens at half six this morning. Welcome home.

30th May '09 - It was only meant as a quick break, but the pace of life up here somehow alters time. It felt like I'd been there for a whole week. I was chilled and relaxed and stayed that way until we touched down at Heathrow. On the way to the airport, we stopped off for a look at the Forth Bridge. The sun was shining and it was twenty-five degrees. Beneath the bridge itself is a little shingle beach where Arya and I went searching for crabs in the rock pools. There was nobody else about, as all the fat tourists were stuffing their faces with shortbread in the cafe opposite. Finally, it was time to get back to Edinburgh Airport and fly back to London. Bleh. At least the flight was memorable. Not a cloud in the sky all the way home. Then we reached shitty London and it took us an hour and a half to drive fourteen miles home after it had taken less than an hour to fly down from Scotland. Traffic jams on the A40 and stuck in a queue with some piece of shit in a BMW playing gangsta rap so loud it was resonating our internal organs from two cars back. I hate this city. I fucking hate it.

29th May '09 - Took the bus into Edinburgh and had a day wandering around with the wife while my daughter spent her day in the country with Uncle John and Grandma. On the whole, I think she got the better deal. There's nothing wrong with Edinburgh per se, it's just that I seem to be all city'd out. They're all the same. Same shops, same rush, same gridlock (though Edinburgh's traffic is wa-a-ay worse than London.) After three hours, I'd seen enough tartan and shortbread to las me a lifetime, so we hpped on a tourbus and spent a happy hour on the open top deck listening to the guide. Next, we jumped off at the Scott Monument and walked up to the top. If spiral staircases no wider than your own shoulders are your thing, then you'll love this. Great views from the top, but it doesn't half knacker your calves. Came down, had a pub lunch in the sun (Scottish beer was pretty much the only disappointment of the whole break) and caught the bus back to Biggar, where Uncle John lives, and had the world's biggest fish supper. Great day.

28th May '09 - I had no idea that Scotland would be as empty as this. As soon as you get out of Edinburgh, it's just mile after mile of rolling hills and sheep. Lovely. We unpacked at our digs and then spent the morning walking around here and comparing it with the hideously PC eco-toilet that is the Eden Project. Maybe in another couple of centuries, Eden will have bedded in and aquired similar serenity and beauty, but somehow I doubt it. The afternoon was spent relaxing at my Uncle John's house, which is three miles from the nearest village. His next-door neighbour is just over a mile up the road. I sat in the sun on John's garden bench with a glass of wine and watched the shadows of the clouds chase each other over the hills in front of his house. So peaceful. John said that in the winter, they regularly get snowed in and often don't see another living soul for days on end. I can't think of anything more perfect, to be honest...

27th May '09 - Right, I'm off to Heathrow. Me and the girls are having a couple of days in Edinburgh with my Uncle John. I don't know what the weather will be like and I don't give a stuff - at least I'm not in London. Anyway, back on the 30th, possibly with a nice single malt in tow...

26th May '09 - I love the Night Shift when it's like this. Absolutely pissing down. The more it rains, the less likely there'll be wankers out and about being weary and making work for me to do. Let it rain, baby, let it rain. Wash all the scumbags off the streets.

25th May '09 - You know those Tamils in Parliament Square? Yep, that's right...

24th May '09 - The steroids are kicking in. I'm now several shades lighter than I was two days ago. Not quite so 'Hellboy' any more, more sort of 'Piglet'. Lovely.

23rd May '09 - Remember my thoughts on the new 'Wolverine' movie a few days back? Well, the new 'Terminator' one is pretty much the same by all accounts. And there's 'Transformers 2' to look forward to after that. God bless Hollywood. Still, those of you who like Sci-Fi and possess a brain might like to have a quick gander here and here. Perfect antidotes to the shit I've just mentioned...

22nd May '09 - Well, I'm impressed. I had to visit Accident & Emerrency at St. George's Hospital this morning, as I woke up with a huge red face - some sort of allergic infection thingy. Down I went expecting four hours af weariness (I even took a novel along to keep me occupied), but within five minutes I was being assessed by a great nurse called Ian (Gillingham fan, had a chat about Jarvis) and less than twenty minutes after that, I'd seen the duty doc who'd examined me, taken some blood and prescribed some steroids. Add another ten minutes for the trip to Pharmacy and I was out within the hour. All in all, the entire round trip took as long as the average Newcastle match and proved to be a good deal more entertaining, even with the needles. God bless the NHS!

21st May '09 - There is - get this - a drive-thru 'Krispy Kreme' doughnut emporium at the Shannon Corner junction of the A3. Henceforth, all jobs I go to will require a mandatory detour via New Malden. Even if they happen to be in Dagenham. Mmm...original glazed!

20th May '09 - After finally realising the game is up, Michael Martin; the fat, useless Scotch parasite masquerading as Speaker of the House of Commons, has decided to throw the towel in. Yes, being universally condemned on all sides over the expenses scandal has ensured that his position is untenable and there is no choice but to go...to the House of Lords, where he'll pick up a £1.4 million pension along with his Peerage. That'll teach the fucker, eh?

19th May '09 - Got my voting slip through today. Unfortunately, it's not my opportunity to get shot of Gordon, but it is my chance to influence who represents my interests in the European Parliament. Following it through the door came a flyer for the Labour Party. Laugh? I nearly passed my fags round...

18th May '09 - Went down to Croydon this morning to see the new 'Star Trek' film. Not bad at all, and well worth your time, but should you choose to go yourself, may I suggest you avoid doing so at a 'Vue' cinema. Forget the ticket price, two one litre bottles of water and a large popcorn to share came to £9.60! It's a good job the seats were comfy, as I needed a fucking sit down after examining what was left of my change...

16th May '09 - West Bromwich Albion have been relegated from the Premier League. You know, the one that Wolves will be in next season. I shouldn't gloat...but I'm going to! Nyuk! Nyuk!

15th May '09 - Twenty-one years after the debut of his novel 'The Satanic Verses', Salman Rushdie now feels that the dangerous climate of religious fervour from the Muslim world that surrounded its initial printing has subsided to the point where the sequel can finally be released. 'Allah, You C*nt' will be published next month...

14th May '09 - Although the Nu-Labour State Information Service (or the 'BBC' as it likes to call itself) has long since given up drawing your attention to it, the fact remains that those hundreds of Tamil protestors that I was moaning about last month are still fucking there outside Parliament, shouting and kicking off at the police and occasionally swarming past them for a nice sit down in the road. I'm not going to honk anymore about this being the only country stupid enough to put up with this. No. Instead, I will offer a solution. Given that the bill to you, the taxpayer, for policing this illegal demonstration has gone way past the six million quid mark and that these fuckwits show no sign of getting fed up and calling it a day anytime soon, I propose that we start seizing Sri Lankan assets in the UK and using them to pay for the Old Bill's overtime. How about we start with their High Commission building in Hyde Park Gardens? Even in this recession, a swanky pad like that ought to be worth a few bob...

13th May '09 - It started off with Jacqui Smith and her 88p claim for a bath plug and we're currently at David Heathcoat-Armory and his £380 claim for horse manure. I get the feeling that we're nowhere near the end of these revelations and that the best (or worst) is yet to come. Like I keep saying, the sooner we have a 'none of the above' box added to the voting slip, the better.

12th May '09 - Having just watched the new movie 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', I find myself unable to decide whether it was really, really shit, or just really shit.

11th May '09 - Bethesda Softworks, the creators of the 'Elder Scrolls' series of computer games have just announced that the next installment will not be a MMORPG as originally intended, but will in fact be another single-player game in the same vein as 'Oblivion', only 'substantially' bigger. The game, as yet untitled and only referred to as 'Elder Scrolls V', is tentatively pencilled in for release in the Autumn of 2010. Given what 'Oblivion' did to my life, expect this site to be down until just before the Olympics...

10th May '09 - What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United football team? Alan Shearer will be on 'Match Of The Day' next year. I thank you.

9th May '09 - Last night's £110 million Euro Lottery jackpot was snatched by one solitary winner, who is now instantly richer than the Bee Gees. For once, it wasn't a Frenchman. No, this time, the winner was Spanish. This means that whoever it is can now afford to build his very own tower complete with a herd of donkeys to push off it! Awesome!

8th May '09 - I worked from home today. I don't like doing this as a rule because people always think you're taking the piss, but there I was, up at a quarter to seven in front of my PC doing my team's annual reports. I did all of them in five and a half hours, then, for good measure, I wrote my own to make my gaffer's life a bit easier. That took me up to half two, when I knocked off. Taking a lunch break into account, I ended up 'skiving' for a total of half an hour. Mug.

7th May '09 - I got into work at quarter to seven this morning, promptly started seeing purple lights, then went straight home to lie in a darkened bedroom watching a fearsome aurora borealis of a migraine explode all round my head. This was obviously brought on by the blaring sunshine yesterday and not by the five pints of Stella I necked straight after work on an empty stomach. Bloody cheap chemical lager.

6th May '09 - Pretentious Labelling. Whilst shopping for munchies for last night's rather disappointing Champion's League match between Arsenal and Manchester United (you know, the one where Arsenal never showed up), I came across the following variety of crisps in my local Sainsbury's. 'Mature West Country Cheddar and Pan-Fried Shallot'. Hmm...that'll be 'Cheese n' Onion', then. For fuck's sake...

5th May '09 - Went to visit my mate Jesus today and have my first look at his baby son, Connor. I took along a cuddly Wolfie from the Wolves shop on account of Jesus being a Tottenham fan and therefore incapable of educating the poor lad in matters of football. I mean, their mascot is poultry, for God's sake. It's therefore inportant to steer the little lad toward the Old Gold and Black without further ado. You can never start them too young. Up the Wanderers!

4th May '09 - A Bank Holiday, and for once I'm not working it, so it's off to the Natural History Museum to look at the dinosaurs. I shall also be taking the girls to Harrods, so expect me back around Saturday. Anyway, Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you! (I'm sure I've done that gag before.)

3rd May '09 - Despite posturing to the contrary for the last few days, Harriet Harman has just come out and said she does not want to be Prime Minister after all. Bit of a redundant statement there, love. We can all turn our noses up at things that we'd never get a sniff of anyway. It's like me saying categorically that I wouldn't have sex with Angelina Jolie...

2nd May '09 - The Euro Millions jackpot has rolled over yet again and will be something like £110 million this Friday. Make sure you all have as many goes as you can realistically afford so that those nice Frenchmen win as big an amount as possible.

1st May '09 - It's half five in the morning and I'm just sipping my coffee prior to a run up the M1 to Birmingham. My Powerpoint presentation is fucking stupendous and so it should be, seeing as I've spent three bloody days putting it together. I've even bought one of those laser things to point out interesting bits to the students when I'm giving the talk. I hope they appreciate it. Still, If they don't I can always blind a couple of them...

30th April '09 - That Megan Fox bird troubles me. Black hair, tattoos, collagen pout. She seems to be going to an awful lot of trouble to turn herself into Angelina Jolie's 'mini-me'. I wonder how long it'll be before she goes hunting for an ethnic baby  to drag around from one film set to the next?

29th April '09 - Here I sit on what is supposedly a Rest Day, only I'm working like a dog to put a Powerpoint presentation together for Friday, when I've got to give a talk to some forensic students in Birmingham. I've just found out my previous presentation is wildly out of date (photos of Ford Sierras?), so I can't stop to chat. Catch you tomorrow!

27th April '09 - Just woke up after what felt like twenty-four hours of deep sleep. Only it wasn't. I came in off Nights at eight o'clock this morning and right now it's still only half eleven. I must've gone into a catatonic coma, yet I feel fresh as a daisy. This can't be doing me much cop, can it? Bloody shift work...

26th April '09 - Weekend television: Can somebody tell me precisely when whooping and screaming replaced laughter and clapping as this nation's standard method of applause? I blame Leslie Crowther...

25th April '09 - Barnsley 1 Wolves 1. And that's it. Wolverhampton Wanderers are Champions. A scrappy and unremarkable game, but we finally got the single point we needed to win the league, meaning next weekend's game with Doncater is now an irrelevance. Marvellous. Over to you, bluenoses...

24th April '09 - I am still seething about this Tamil demonstration, but, frankly, I'm tired of talking about the whole thing now, so I shall not be commenting again until - if - the protest ifinishes. Apart, that is, from this one last bit of food for thought: Imagine if it was three thousand white BNP skinheads protesting. How long do you think they'd have been allowed to sit shouting in the road in Birdcage Walk?

23rd April '09 - St. George's Day. Or rather night, as I'm on the old graveyard shift once more. I was going to have a drive over Westminster Bridge tonight to take a night shot of Parliament flying the Cross of St. George, only I couldn't because of all the bloody Tamil protestors STILL cluttering up the area. Apparently, the 'powers' that be are now thinking about re-routing Sunday's London Marathon to keep the runners away from these people. How much longer is this national embarrassment going to continue?

22nd April '09 - Budget Day, and if Badgerface really wants to save some money, may I suggest he offers new 'asylum seekers' the same deal as the French government? Over here, as soon as they hit British soil, they can claim £42.16 a week if they're single and £66.13 if they're married. If they have kids, there's an extra £3 - £5 available. They get free healthcare, free dentistry, free sight tests and free glasses. There's free housing (worth £100 a week or so), free education for any kid aged five and over (worth up to £5000), and any pregnant woman is also eligible for a one-off maternity payment of £300. Know what the French give them? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Bugger-all. Not a fucking sausage. So there you go, Badgerface. A money-saving option for you. Or you could simply carry on squeezing us working mug taxpayers until we throw you out of office.

21st April '09 - Amusing to see Sir Alex Ferguson moaning in all the papers about how the state of the Wembley pitch cost his team the FA Cup semi-final against Everton, thus denying Manchester United the chance of an historic quintuple silverwear haul. I'm not quite sure about this line of reasoning, since them bluenoses up the road have been playing on an allotment all season and will still finish second. No, the fact is, Alex, old son, this one is down to you. If you'd have wanted it that badly, you should have put out a stronger team. End of. Oh, and while I'm at it, here's a quick tip. Maybe if you took the time to remove your chewing gum when you're being interviewed, people might not think you're such a tool in future. Although I still will, obviously...

20th April '09 - Here I am, back at work, and the first thing I noticed as I tried to get from the Elephant to Swiss Cottage today was that there are still hundreds of shouty Sri Lankans in Parliament Square. This is because the Old Bill are too paralysed with fear to move them on in case one of them dies out of spite and they get another complaint of police brutality. So it looks like they'll all just carry on until everybody dies of old age. Meanwhile, I shall be using Vauxhall Bridge from now on as there's no mentalists there. Yet.

19th April '09 - It's official - Wolverhampton town centre is now dry. Ow, my head.

18th April '09 - Wolves 1 QPR 0. And that's it! Super Mick has done it! Wolves are back in the Premier League! I'm croaking because I've been shouting so much. Every car horn in Wolverhampton is going off and it's standing room only in the pubs! What a great atmosphere! I'm off for an ale or six! It's going to be a long, happy summer, folks!

17th April '09 - Although Alex and Clare are touring with Marky Ramone right now, they've nevertheless still found time to stick the final, finished video for 'Good Vibrations' on YouTube. It's sleazy, sexy and tacky as hell. In other words, brilliant! Here you go!

16th April '09 - Marco Pierre White may be the greatest chef that God ever created, but I for one would never eat anything created by the bloke because he looks like an unwashed fairground attendant. I mean, wearing a shemagh in a kitchen? I can't stand Gordon Ramsay, but at least the bloke knows where his razor is...

15th April '09 - In Denmark, six out of ten children brought up in care end up going to university. In Britain, it's six in a hundred. Education, education, education...

13th April '09 - Derby 2 Wolves 3. What? Wolves come from behind and win? Keogh gets two goals? Have I slipped through a wormhole into a parallel universe or something? Three games left and I'm starting to believe, kiddies!

12th April '09 - Today, I lay in bed reading. All day. I did try getting up at one point, but I couldn't think of anything better to do than lie stinking in my pit, slowly turning pages, so back I went (with a cup of tea, natch.) What was I reading? 'Birdsong' by Sebastian Faulks. Breathtaking stuff. Just when you think you've misjudged it and landed yourself with a steamy Mills and Boon bodice-ripper, it drops you into the trenches of World War One and proceeds to put you through the fucking mangler. Strongly recommended.

10th April '09 - That's it! A lovely week away from London and work. See you on the twentieth, folks! Hopefully by then, Wolves will have sorted their shit out and be pretty much promoted. Either that or settling down for a pointless play-off scrap. I can't bear it. Wake me up when the season's over...

9th April '09 - We're looking stupid in the eyes of the world again. For three days now, an illegal gathering of Sri Lankan nationals (all here legally, of course) have gathered outside the Houses of Parliament to protest about the treatment of Tamils in their home country. Quite what it has to do with us is beyond my understanding, but the point is, they're gathering illegally, waving flags from a proscribed organisation (the Tamil Tigers), which is also illegal, while generally pushing and shoving the Old Bill and not dispersing when told to. Again, illegal. So even before we rope in noise, obstruction and nuisance, that's three laws being broken straight off, so what are our police doing? Watching them. Nothing else, just standing there watching them. On overtime. Any other country in Europe, let alone the world, would've warned them to shift and then set the water cannons on them, but, oh, not Britain. Well, they're ethnic, dontcha know. Got to be tolerant, old boy. Pathetic. Apparently, some of the protestors keep threatening to hurl themselves into the Thames and have to be grabbed by Plod and taken to safety. Why? From there, depending on the tide, they will either end up out to sea or wash up within spitting distance of Fulham Mortuary. Fuck 'em, let 'em bob...

8th April '09 - My old mate Graham is just weeks away from retirement and there he was today, gazing over the paperwork from our finance department and totting up how much the golden handshake and pension will be. I swear if the bloke had grinned any wider, his head would've caved in. Good luck to you, mate! After forty years in this shitty game, you deserve every bloody penny...

6th April '09 - Birmingham 2 Wolves 0. Against ten men! Ten bloody men! Listening to it, we could've played for three, even four hours and still not have scored. It was the old 'cow's arse' and 'banjo' syndrome. How the fuck does Mick McCarthy expect to wear down a ten-man side by advocating a hoofing, long-ball game? Apart from Matt Jarvis, not a single Wolves player was fit to wear the shirt tonight. Absolute bollocks. What should've been an eight point lead is now down to two with five games left to play. There's every real chance we could blow this promotion challenge right at the death. I swear if Mick McCarthy ruins this, I'm going to pledge my loyalty to Walsall for the rest of my natural life.

5th April '09 - Better and better! Cardiff blew another of their games in hand, only picking up a point against Swansea. This is looking really good fnow. All we need is a point or better at Birmingham tomorrow and we'll really be in command of the division!

4th April '09 - Pants. Nowhere near this year, but at least my horse didn't fall over like they usually do when I pick them. Still, there was a bit of good news from today - Reading could only manage a draw! Lovely.

3rd April '09 - It's the Grand National tomorrow, the only time of the year when I have a bet on the horses. I hope one of my nags comes in this time, considering I ticked the 'each way' box on the slip by mistake and ended up sticking twice the amount I wanted to on the bloody thing. Pillock.

2nd April '09 - Well, we had our meeting with the boss yesterday, and basically, what he said was this: "We've decided we don't want you lot cluttering up this building anymore, so what we're going to do is keep a hand-picked few of you here along with all the important work and ship everyone else out to various sites around London, where'll you'll carry on doing all the routine stuff while, in your down time, training lots of new recruits to do your job so they can eventually replace you." He then wrapped things up by saying this wasn't the 'official' announcement and that 'more would be revealed' at a series of seminars...in June. However, he did ask us to go back to our teams with the news and to 'put a positive spin on it.' After work, I went for a pint. Or three. It's nice to feel valued, isn't it?

1st April '09 - I'm just off to work. Today's the day we find out the results of the 'review' undertaken into our department and we will all learn what the future holds for us. Note the date. How very appropriate.

31st March '09 - A mate of mine at work came up to me today and said "Here, Bill, you're into heavy rock. Have you got any 'Linkin Park' I can borrow?" I don't know what's sadder; the fact that he thought Linkin Park were heavy rock (as opposed to 'Disney metal') or the fact that I had to own up and say that I had...

30th March '09 - Even before the dust had settled from the revelation that Jacqui Smith had claimed one hundred and sixteen thousand pounds 'second home' allowance for her house,in Redditch while 'living' at her sister's place in London, we find out her husband has claimed for the dirty movies he'd watched while Jacqui was away! Predictably, everyone in the Smith residence(s) has been quick to apologise (for being found out) and no doubt Jacqui feels we should all 'move on'. Sorry, but I don't want to move on. I want someone charged with embezzlement and fraud, which is what would happen to me if I fiddled my expenses. What has to happen before the raft of laws that these morally bankrupt cod-Socialists have foisted upon us are actually applied to some of them? These pieces of shit have even voted to remove themselves from the boundaries of the 'Freedom of Information Act' that THEY brought in. So now we, the idiots funding them, have been blocked from finding out exactly how much they're claiming. Thirteen months to go before your P45 gets delivered, bitch. Tell hubby to enjoy those tax-payer funded late night wank-fests while he can...

29th March '09 - I drove the long way into work last night. All the way through Tooting, Balham, Clapham, Stockwell and Kennington. Why? Because it was nine o'clock - halfway through the much-hyped 'Earth Hour', and I wanted to marvel at the once-in-a-lifetime sight of London plunged into total darkness as everybody did what they were told like good little sheeple and turned their lights off to protest about climate change. Except, despite what the BBC might have told you, nobody did. There I was, driving past shops, houses, flats and business premises and all of them, ALL of them, were lit up as normal. In fact, the only way you'd know about this 'important global event' was if you'd looked up at the Big Ben clock, where they'd turned the lights off in all the faces. Oh, and the London Eye had changed it's white lights to blue for an hour. St. Paul's Cathedral, however, was blazing away as per, along with the whole of Canary Wharf, most of the City and all of the West End, apart from the advertising hoardings in Piccadilly. So there you have it: ninety-six low-energy bulbs in Big Ben darkened for an hour along with several thousand L.E.D.s above Eros. Wow. That'll do the trick, then. The planet is safe once more. Huzzah!

28th March '09 - 'People Power'; now there's a contradiction in terms if ever there was one. A bit like 'Military Intelligence' or 'Scottish Sportsman'. Anyway, a fine example of the willingness of gullible people to flock together for self-validation occurred in London today, as tens of thousand of white, middle-class people congregated for a march against the 'Evils Of Capitalism' to coincide with the G20 summit next week. Meanwhile, I found myself working overtime at premium rates because the guys who should've been at work were all out on abstracted duties because of these numpties. Lovely. A nice extra couple of hundred quid to add to the global debt that I'd never have earned if these worthy warriors had stayed home in the dry. Cheers, arseholes!

27th March '09 - Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has told the BBC it must not ignore it's Christian audience after figures showed the company had significantly reduced it's Christian broadcasting over the last decade. From one hour and 45 minutes a week of religious programming in 2001 to just half an hour (basically 'Songs of Praise') now. Quite frankly, even this is too much in my opinion, and I'm a practising Catholic. Religion should be a personal matter and few things on the telly are more annoying than watching those gurning fools in their new hats bellowing hymns every bloody Sunday, not that I do. Still, why should the BBC listen to the good Archbishop anyway? Nobody else does, and quite right too. The man is a ridiculous embarrassment with his mad hair, mad eyebrows, ridiculous beard and idiot opinions. Piss off, Gandalf, nobody's listening.

26th March '09 - Sometimes I encounter a piece of reasoning of such eye-watering stupidity that it's all I can do not to smack my head against the wall. Get this - car manufacturer Vauxhall are raising their prices by five percent because, overall, UK car sales have dropped twenty percent in the last quarter. So, let me get this straight: Nobody wants to buy their products so they're putting the prices up. It's not me, is it?

25th March '09 - Jonathan Ross took his seventeen year old daughter Betty Kitten to a film premiere last night. Betty is obviously an alumni of the Peaches Geldof School of Teenager; all dyed hair, stupid clothes and pretentious pouts to the camera. I was all for dropping an email to Jonathan at his BBC address telling him how ridiculous his daughter looked, but then I had a better idea. Does anyone know the phone number of Jonathan's father? I could give him a bell and explain in great detail how I'd fucked his granddaughter. I could even tape the conversation and post it here as an audio link, too. Because that would be really, really funny, wouldn't it, Jonathan?

24th March '09 - The blossoms are out and my hayfever is back once more. My eyes are streaming, my face is blotchy and red, I'm dosed up like a Piriton zombie and to cap it all, I'm working Nights this week. Bleh-h-h.

23rd March '09 - Has Boris Johnson been reading this column? Only ten days ago I congratulated him on cutting the amount of public money spent on St. Patrick's Day celebrations in London and, in the same sentence, slagged him off for not spending a few bob on our patron saint. Well, Mayor Boris told the press yesterday that he will be funding a week-long series of free events in the capital celebrating St. George's Day after stating that it had been ignored for far too long. Quite right too. So we'll be getting free Shakespeare at The Globe, folk music and Morris men in Trafalgar Square and red and white bunting everywhere. Finally, finally, after so many years of moaning on this site, I will be able to walk the streets on April 23rd in my white shirt with the red cross on and not feel like the only Englishman in London that gives a toss. Boris has even stated that the Cross of St. George will be flown at City Hall for the week, too. This alone has won him my vote for life. Boris, I love you, you floppy-haired shagger, you!

21st March '09 - Nottingham Forest 0 Wolves 1.  A rather splendid afternoon all round, I feel. Not only did we come away with three points from a dreary game, but Birmingham could only manage a draw with Norwich, while Reading poked one of their games in hand in a goalless slog away at Crystal Palace. Reading, the third place team, are now nine points behind us. This means that three wins out of our last six games and we're up. The only snag is our next one is away up the road against the Blouses themselves. Never mind, we've got a nice long rest until April 6th. The prize is in sight, folks!

20th March '09 - Bernie Ecclestone, the midget billionaire in charge of Formula One, has announced that from next season, the driver's title will be decided by the number of wins, rather than by points accrued. This will apparently make things more competitive and exciting, as drivers will now take more risks and blah de blah de blah. I don't care. Does anyone still watch this boring load of bollocks?

19th March '09 - The box-office figures are in, and 'Watchmen' has dropped off catastrophically over it's second week. This is sad, not just for those of you who are missing the chance to see a well-crafted, thought-provoking and challenging piece of genre cinema, but also for anyone who went to see 'The Dark Knight' and enjoyed it. Because now, the studios will look at the last Batman film as a fluke propped up solely by Heath Ledger's death and will see 'Watchmen's numbers as proof that the cinema-going public doesn't want dark and adult adaptations after all. So from now on, we can all leave our brains at the hot-dog counter and look forward to staring, slack-jawed at a non-stop run of 'Fantastic Four' and 'Transformers' movies, can't we? Deep joy.

18th March '09 - Ra ra, back to work. Well, technically, I'm not back until tomorrow, but I have this management exam thing today, so I have to go all the way over to the other side of London and sit in a classroom for seven hours. I don't know why I'm bothering, frankly. The 'management' at work will never let me into the club as I'm not one of the 'in' crowd. Still, It's another bit of framed A4 for the wall, and once me and my unit are booted out of our current location, our new management might be glad of whatever small contribution I can make to their unit. The current ones don't give a shit, that's for sure...

17th March '09 - Reading won their game in hand. Dave Kitson slotted home in with seven minutes to go. Bloody ginger pipe.

16th March '09 - As I was off, I decided to unwrap another of my rainy day '3 for £20' films. Today's masterpiece wa none other than 'Highlander - Endgame', the fourth in the franchise. Now, I've not seen the third one and the second one was one of the worst things I've ever sat through at the cinema, but the original has a special place in my heart. I love it to bits, from the Queen soundtrack to the shonky ending effects. It's a guilty pleasure, so to see Connor's wife Heather and his assistant Rachel popping up on the packaging made me think that it might possibly not be as bad as I feared. It was.

15th March '09 - Saw Gordon Brown on the news tonight. Is he still here, then?

14th March '09 - Wolves 2 Charlton 1. The scoreline suggests it was a close-run thing. It wasn't. Charlton put ten men behind the ball and it was a right ball-ache to break them down. Ebanks-Blake missing his second penalty out of the last three didn't help, either. Never mind though, we got there in the end, and it was nice to meet up with a couple of mates from work, too. One came down from London for the game and the other was staying at his missus's place in Telford. It felt slightly bizarre to see them in Molineux, but a few ales and a balti pie soon took the weirdness out of it. Next up - Nottingham Forest, who just got stiffed 5-0. Let's hope Reading poke one of their games in hand on Tuesday night, eh?

13th March '09 - Boris Johnson has decided that London will only be spending half the usual amount on this year's St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Quite right too. So how about spending the other half on a proper St. George's Day celebration, you silly-haired shag?

12th March '09 - I'd forgotten that I'd polished off three bags of Nobby's sweet chilli peanuts in the pub last night after the film. My lower colon has just reminded me. Oo-er!

11th March '09 - Go and see 'Watchmen'. Just go. Zack Snyder has created a masterpiece. A flawed masterpiece if you know the book inside out like I do, but those of you who are not familiar with Alan Moore's seminal work will find a rich, dark, adult superhero tale even more rewarding than 'The Dark Knight'. For me, there were only a couple of niggles and I'm sure these will iron out when we get the four hour Director's Cut, but for the most part, the film is just jaw dropping. If you flipped your wig for Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, you're going to love Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach. Whatever you do, catch this on the big screen, it's amazing. Who'd have thought after Joel Schumacher's appalling 'Batman And Robin' we'd one day have a three-hour 18 certificate superhero film? It's a great time to be a geek right now!

10th March '09 - An extremely early post (it's half five in the morning) as I'm off to see 'Watchmen' straight after work. My head will be too full to post stuff when I get back, so I'll add a few lines tomorrow...

9th March '09 - At long last I've started dicking about with a pictures page. It's the resizing and tabling thing that's been freaking me, but I think I've sorted it. No doubt all the Mac users will scoff that their machines are intuitive when it comes to imaging. Well, yes, they probably are, but then again, they can't play 'Empire - Total War', can they? Anyway, if anyone can think of a decent name for the photo page other than the frankly underwhelming 'photo page', drop me a line...

8th March '09 - Remind me again how I came to agree to do a Sunday night shift at the last minute when I had absolutely no need or desire to? 'Dedicated', That's my middle name. It sits right there on my birth certificate next to 'Gullible' and 'Mug'. 

7th March '09 - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Wolves 1. I'm not saying anything. Sod the quality of the football, if grinding out ugly one-nil wins is the way it's going to be for the run in, then that's fine by me. The Blouses and Cardiff both won, meaning we're still three points clear. A slight bonus was Reading fluffing one of their games in hand by only picking up a draw at Plymouth, but there's still nine games left and it's still anybody's title. Tenth place Ipswich on Tuesday night, then bottom place Charlton next weekend. Come on, me babbies!

6th March '09 - I got sworn at by a Buddhist today. Well, I say 'Buddhist'; he was one of those orange-robed Hare Krishna types on Oxford Street pretending to be everybody's friend and angling for their bank details for something or other. Anyway, he smiled at me as I approached him outside HMV, but before he could launch into his speil, I shot him down with "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to cultists." Instantly, his smile fled and I got a snarl of "Well, fuck you then!" Charming. What happened to peace, enlightenment and love for one's fellow man, eh? Still, we are all mere travellers on the great wheel, apparently. Which is nice...

5th March '09 - This morning when the bank statement arrived, I had what alcoholics refer to as 'a moment of clarity'. See, I have an 'Additions' bank account with Barclays. For a small fee (which has always been equivalent to whatever interest I earned), I got access to a £1200 overdraft (which I've never used), free legal advice (which I've never needed) and free currency conversions (which I've always forgetten about until the plane was in the air). But now I've realised that, with the bank's interest rates at 0.5% (and trust me, they'll be going lower), I am now, in effect, paying Barclays to look after my money. You know that bit in the cartoons where the coyote stops running, looks at the camera and 'jackass' ears appear on him? Yeah, right. So first thing tomorrow I shall be looking long and hard at alternative banking ideas. Any suggesions?.

3rd March '09 - Crystal Palace 0 Wolves 1. Talk about grinding out an ugly win! Three points at long last, but boy, was that hard work! In a match played during a driving rainstorm, the lads looked as twitchy and as nervous as usual, but they managed to sneak it courtesy of an Ebanks-Blake penalty.Phew! Still on top, but both Reading and Cardiff won too. It's going to be a long and messy run-in. Oh, and for the benefit of my old mate Morgan - cheers for the six points this season, monkey-boy!

2nd March '09 - Have you checked the side of your toothpaste tube lately? I have, and I'm slightly concerned about all that Arabic writing. It's probably only something along the lines of 'For A Smile So Bright, It'll Shine Through Your Niqab'. But by the same token, it could easily be saying 'We've Laced This With Polonium. Die Screaming, Infidel Dog!' Worrying.

1st March '09 - Not that you monkeys would know; what with all your Chris Moyles Radio One bollocks and your manufactured Simon Bigtrousers 'X-Factor' nonsense, but the world of metal and hardcore (that's 'heavy rock' to you, grandad) is currently having what can only be descibed as a Golden Age. Recent albums from old favourites like Slipknot and Metallica have been excellent, and the stuff on the cutting edge, such as Enslaved's 'Vertebrae', Casketnail's 'Memories Of A Better Time' and Meshuggah's 'ObZen' have all been balls-out brilliant in the last twelve months. However, I've just found what could well be the album of 2009 and it's not even March yet. 'Wrath', the fifth studio album from Virginia five-piece Lamb Of God is, quite simply, one of the best metal albums I've ever heard. Do yourself a favour and check them out here. Or you could simply carry on being spoonfed whatever aural diarrhoea fatboy Moyles feeds you...

28th February '09 - Wolves 0 Plymouth 1. No answer to a goal conceded after only forty seconds and now only one win in eleven. That's more than a quarter of a season. Bizarrely, hysterically, we're still top, although Birmingham can draw level with a win against the Blades tomorrow afternoon. I'm sad, deeply sad that all the evidence points to us finishing the season in a play-off scrap because there's simply no need for it to have ever got this bad. Continually playing Collins for weeks after the fans realised what a liability he was. Continually being too late with substitutions (Vokes came on with five minutes left here, Friend with two - how the hell are tactics like that going to influence a game that was already lost almost an hour and a half previously?) Continually backing off in the early stages of a game and attempting to 'read' it, then conceding a goal and having to chase. It all smacks of a team who are, quite simply, out of ideas. We are shocking at the back (Berra is no Mancienne, but, like Miller before him, he proves the point that Scotchmen don't travel well) and, apart from Ebanks-Blake, we are incapable of finishing clinically up front. There are many 'names' in this team who really, really need to take a good look at themselves over the next couple of days. Keogh, Kightly, Iwelumo, Ward. You know who you are. It's Crystal Palace away on Tuesday night. Three points are required or we can forget about automatic promotion. No one's going to fear us in our last dozen games if we've only clocked up one win in the previous dozen.

27th February '09 - For the last couple of years, I've been using Sony MDR earphones for my iPod. I don't particularly like these shove-in-your-lugholes ear-bud type of headphones, but they were the only kind that generated any meaningful levels of bass, which is essential if you're out and about. Until now. I've just bought a pair of these from SkullCandy and they're the beans. Ultra light, very comfortable and they grip your head like a vice. What's more, the sound they kick out is deep, rich and layered and the bass levels are awesome - perfect for the discerning metalhead about town. They're also half the price of the Sony bud things. Top stuff!

26th February '09 - The 'Watchmen' reviews are beginning to roll in thick and fast now, most of them full of praise and constructive criticism. One negative review stands out like a blue cock, though, and that's from Robbie Collin at 'News Of The World'. Oh dear. Not very impressed, is he? Maybe he doesn't like 'comic book' movies. Maybe he couldn't see too much of the screen through his ridiculously fashionable hair. Or maybe - just maybe - he works for a paper that is owned by Rupert Murdoch. The same Rupert Murdoch who also owns Twentieth Century Fox; the studio that sued Warner Brothers for ownership of the rights to 'Watchmen' and eventually lost. Sorry, 'settled out of court'. Sour grapes, Rupert old son?

25th February '09 - Again on the news today, ten years after the Lawrence inquiry, the Metropolitan Police 'Service' had to issue a statement denying the fact that it was still 'institutionally racist'. Balls. Of course the MPS is institutionally racist. It recognises and supports the existence of a 'Black Police Association'. How much more divisively racist can you get?

24th February '09 - The first reviews of 'Watchmen' have begun rolling in, with both Empire and Total Film giving it a four star thumbs-up. I'm still cautious, if hopeful, but even if it's crap, the iMax experience will still be a hoot. I wonder if they sell pic n' mix?

23rd February '09 - Timing is everything. For almost two months now, I've been waiting for a parcel from a company in Kent. I've gone through the polite email, the curious email and the downright snotty email; all of which they replied to courteously, humbly and apologetically, saying as soon as their suppliers delivered the goods, I'd be getting them tout suite. This morning however, I had enough. Nine weeks. No more Mister Nice Guy. A full-on rant of an email telling them what I thought of their company, their website, their customer service and their mothers. I told them to shove the ordered item up their useless arses and that I'd see them in the small claims court. Half an hour later, the item I'd ordered popped through the letter box. Together with a second one of a much higher value completely free as their way of saying sorry for the delay. Fucksocks.

22nd February '09 - Wolves 2 Cardiff 2. Now that's better. Despite the scoreline (and the fact we were chasing it in the second half), the lads played really solidly against Dave Jones's in-form side, who were unbeaten in eleven before kick-off, and we came to the game knowing that Reading and Birmingham both lost yesterday, which eased the pressure ever-so-slightly. A brace of mis-hits and fluffed chances meant we could, with a bit of luck, have won this 5-2. However, Wolves have never been a lucky team, so it's come down to a matter of grinding out results for these last thirteen games. Roll on Plymouth next week. Play like we played today and...dare I say it...three points?

20th February '09 - A fiver says that when poor, unfortuante Jade Goody pops her clogs we get treated to the full Princess Diana street-lining sobfest up and down the country, with Interflora cenotaphs on every corner and Jeremy Kyle's trousers at half mast in memory of 'The People's Pondlife'. Pass the sick bag.

19th February '09 - I thought this month would just zip by being only twenty-eight days and all that, but it's dragging like a seal's arse for me. Perhaps it's because the gaffer forgot to stick my overtime in and I only picked up plain pay? I'm currently broker than a broke-dick dog. Now I know how Roman Abramovich feels. He's down to his last three billion, the poor bastard...

18th February '09 - The iMax tickets for 'Watchmen' are booked. March 10th, straight after work. Please God, don't let this movie be shit, I've waited twenty years for it!

17th February '09 - Tongues. We tend to take them for granted, don't we? They're extremely useful appendages that allow us to talk and taste and I can't imaging life without one. Well, yes I can. You see, I've just finished off a Sainsbury's 'hot and spicy' pizza which was nothing of the sort, so I decided to tickle it up a bit with a few dashes of this. Now, I have a purple face, my tongue is lolling out of my mouth like a knackered hound and I can't feel my lower jaw. Fantastic!

16th February '09 - Part of what makes me the dedicated, hard-working 'credit-to-the-department' individual that I am is the ability to focus for long periods of time on the most minute detail of the task in hand. All the chaps in my old team had this skill, as they worked with UV and lasers day in, day out, but when I changed units eighteen months ago, I noticed that this sort of level of concentration was missing in many of the individuals I encountered. Happily, I was able to demonstrate the ability to them this afternoon as I sat staring at my mobile phone screen playing 'Scrabble' for three solid hours whilst waiting for the phone to ring. Dedication. You can't whack it.

15th February '09 - As you know, it was Valentine's Day yesterday. The Fishwife presented me with a lovely big card as soon as she woke up but the flowers and chocolates I'd arranged for her weren't delivered until late in the afternoon. You should've seen the looks I was getting...

14th February '09 - Burnley 1 Wolves 0. Nine bastard games and only one win. Only three points clear now and the teams below us have games in hand. In another week we could find ourselves in the play-off spots and then the chants of 'You don't know what you're doing' and 'McCarthy out' will start. Where did it all go wrong? Oh yes, sending Mancienne back. That and still allowing Collins to play of course...

13th February '09 - I'm out of town and back to lovely Wolver-hamper-ton for the weekend. I was going to leave the motor here and take the brood up on the train this time, but I've just seen the colossal price hikes that went on the fares last month, so Richard Branson can go and sit on his greasy fingers for that sort of money. The thinking behind these corporate morons never ceases to amaze me. There's a global recession, people are struggling for money and cutting down on unnecessary rail travel, so Virgin put the fares up. Then have to send half empty trains out, which means that the profit margins dive even further, so they have to put the fares up again. Richard, sweetheart, ever heard of EasyJet? You know, the whole concept of cheaper seats and no frills = more customers? It's a train, not a bloody hotel. A long, tube-shaped bus that goes a bit quicker and has fewer stops. Flogging three types of bottled water and roasted vegetable focaccias on it smack just a tad of overkill, don't you think? No? Ah well, looks like another big name could be heading south before too long. Although not on a Virgin train, obviously. They're too expensive...

12th February '09 - I've caught one or two friends and work colleagues looking strangely at my chin lately, so here's a quick word of explanation. No, the shaver hasn't broken and no, I'm not eating a weasel. Fact is, I'm in a transitional phase. What I'm aiming for is this, but with this happening at chin level. Unfortunately, it's going to take time, so please don't hassle me - it's a work in progress...

11th February '09 - The reason some devices are labelled 'Bluetooth', is because the technology behind it is named after the Danish king Harald 'Blatand' Gormsson (935 - 986 AD). Old Harald was the king of a people we have come to refer to as 'Vikings', and his claim to fame is that he managed to briefly unite Denmark, Sweden and Norway under a single ruler. Because he was able to 'bring the people together', his name has been used for this unique piece of wireless development. Good job he wasn't called Hagar Bastard Skullfucker then, wasn't it?

9th February '09 - I've just invested in a new webcam. The old one was very low-res and dim, but this new one is the tits. However, having seen the images it produces, I have decided that it shall only be used for when the girls fancy an online natter with my sister, as the greater visual quality is somewhat disturbing to me when I catch sight of myself. See, because the camera clips onto the top of the monitor, it offers a huge panoramic view of my huge panoramic head. The image facing me has no neck whatsover, little shifty piggy eyes and looks like a slightly retarded Sontaran deviant. It's not pretty...

8th February '09 - I wish I was rich enough to be able to afford to keep a mistress. I don't actually want a mistress, you understand, I just wish I was rich enough to be able to afford one.

7th February '09 - Coventry 2 Wolves 1. What the hell is going on? We have now won just one game in the last eight and, if Reading win their game-in-hand, our 'lead' at the top will be reduced to one solitary point. We were absolutely lousy today. The only time we woke up was for the twenty minute spell at the start of the second half which led to our equaliser. Immediately afterwards, we went back to sleep again and within five minutes, Coventry had scored the winner. Ebanks-Blake fluffed a penalty in the ninety-fourth minute, too. And all this on Mick McCarthy's fiftieth birthday. He's not the only one who'll want to forget this particular Saturday. The only bright note of the afternoon was seeing that Reading and Birmingham could only manage draws which limited the fallout from this debacle, but I know - just know - that come May, we'll be stuck slogging it out in another bloody play-off battle thanks to pissing away opportunities against lesser teams like this. Shite. Utter shite.

6th February '09 - Jeremy Clarkson is in trouble. Apparently he called Gordon Brown 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', and was forced to apologise rather swiftly, but my question is why? Let's examing the semantics of what Jezza said, shall we? Ok, taking the points in order, we'll start with the 'one-eyed' bit. Brown lost the sight in his left eye after being kicked in the head during a game of rugby he played whilst at school, which resulted in a detached retina. Ergo, the man has vision in one eye only, and can indeed be labelled 'one-eyed'. Next, 'Scottish'. Well, Gordon was born in Govan, Glasgow in 1951. No denying the boy is of Scots descent really, is there? That only leaves the 'idiot' bit. Now, whilst acting as Chancellor of the Excequort to Tony B. Liar, Gordon Brown sold off four hundred tons of gold from the Bank of England at a time when the maket was at a twenty year low. Gordon flogged our reserves at a series of prices between $256 and $296 an ounce. Currently, as I type this, the bullion price is listed as $911 an ounce. Not a particularly bright move then, I'm sure you'll agree. Therefore, if we break down the salient points of Jeremy's statement in order; ie, his accusation that Gordon is a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot', I think you'll find that I've propped up the Clarkson argument quite comprehensively. So allow me to add my own endorsement to Mr. Clarkson's: Gordon, I too, think you're a one-eyed Scottish idiot, and I suggest that the evidence speaks for itself. If you disagree with my conclusion, then feel free to sue me, chief...

5th February '09 - London's 'black cab' taxi drivers brought the centre of town to a standstill for two hours this afternoon as they gridlocked Trafalgar Square in protest at a minicab rank that has been opened up by Westminster Council. The Council say that there's never enough black cabs around when people need one. Predictably, the cabbies deny this and say that minicabs will undercut their profits and kill their livelihood. Having wasted many late night hours over the last two decades wandering the streets looking for a cab home, I feel I'm qualified to offer an opinion on this matter. Two actually. First, gentlemen, perhaps if you charged by the mile instead of by the clock, people would be more inclined to patronise your cripplingly expensive vehicles and second, maybe if some of you actually demeaned yourselves to go south of the fucking river after ten o'clock at night, you might find a few more of us showing sympathy to your cause.

3rd February '09 - Wolves 3 Norwich 3. I can't believe that Delia Smith's bunch of green and yellow chancers have managed to stick eight bloody goals past us this season! How the hell can Sylvan Ebanks-Blake slot a killer hat-trick and still not win us this game? We were absolutely shocking at the back. Shocking. The sooner Christophe Berra gets himself bedded in and takes charge of our ropey defence, the better. This was not a point won, it was two points dropped. Not good enough by a fucking long chalk...

2nd February '09 - Snow. Real, proper snow, There is a good four or five inches over everything as I look out the window while I type this at half five in the morning. This is absolutely unheard of in inner London. The BBC's website reckons there's six to eight inches out in the sticks. My old mate Penfold will be chortling at this seeing as he lives in Canada, but in twenty years of living in London, I honestly can only remember having a proper snowfall once, and that was when I was living in Crystal Palace in '91. Seeing as I live fairly close to work and am Duty Officer all week, it's going to be interesting to see how many shirkers play the sick card this morning...

UPDATE - It's half five in the evening and I've just got home. The tube got me to Tooting Bec, but I had to walk the last mile and a half since all of London's buses were cancelled. Never mind, it was lovely. Hundreds of people on the Bec making snowmen (and the odd anatomically-correct snow-woman) and having snowball fights. It was nice walking along with all the other people brave (or stupid) enough to have made the effort to get in and do a full day's work. There was very little traffic noise and generally all you could hear was laughter. Magical. By the way, know how many people made it in today? Four. Out of an operational team of twenty-two. No 'senior' managers, either. Lightweights, the lot of 'em!

1st February '09 - Bloody hell, what happened to January? Well, here we are again in February. We like February. Only four weeks long, which means payday comes round just that little bit quicker. Marvellous.

31st January '09 - Wolves 3 Watford 1. Yes! Now that's more like it! See the difference it makes when that tool Collins isn't playing and Kightly actually thinks about his game? Ebanks-Blake even manages to get back to scoring ways despite looking like he's eaten all the balti pies in the South Bank. Top result, and better still, both Preston and the Blouses only managed draws! Disco! Four points clear and Norwich visiting on Tuesday, which is always good for a laugh, especially if Delia's been on the cooking sherry...

30th January '09 - Was that Iggy Pop I've just seen on the goggle-box flogging car insurance? Is nothing sacred? What's next, Bruce Willis doing Norwich Union ads? Argh!

28th January '09 - Finally, 'Tomb Raider - Underworld' arrived from Amazon today. Us PlayStation 2 owners have had to wait two months for our version because the company coding it had to convert everything from the PS3 version. So what's it like? Was it worth the wait, especially considering it follows the superb 'Anniversary' - one of the best PS2 titles ever released? Allow me to illustrate the quality of the game by offering a quick breakdown of this evening's time-frame: 18:40 - Got in, opened parcel from Amazon. 18:45 - Powered up PS2, put 'Underworld' disc in. 18:50 - Started playing 'Underworld'. 18:55 - Removed 'Underworld' disc, turned off PS2, powered up PC. 19:00 - 'Underworld' now listed on eBay, no reserve price. Yep, it's THAT bad. The only consolation I have is that it's so new, very few people have heard how bad it is, which is why, less than five minutes after it hit eBay, someone bought it at my 'Buy It Now' price of £12. There's one born every minute. Well, two actually...

27th January '09 - Reading 1 Wolves 0. If we'd have won this, we'd have gone eight points clear. A draw would've kept things sweet on a five point cushion so what did we do? Plant an own goal after sixty seconds thanks to that dick Collins and then chase the game for ninety minutes. To add insult to injury, the twat also got himself sent off in injury time, just as we were throwing everyone forward. Wanker. That's it. Two minutes past eight tonight was the point where we blew automatic promotion. We're still top - just - but the way things are going we stand a very real chance of finding ourselves in third spot by half five on Saturday afternoon. Our last five games? Drawn three, lost two. Fucking pathetic.

25th January '09 - Perhaps I was a little harsh on Kights and the lads with yesterday's comment. After watching Arsenal's 'performance' against Cardiff this afternoon, at least I can say that Wolves are usually capable of giving their opponents a game, unlike Arsene Wenger's tedious bunch of millionaire misfits. I generally come away spitting whenever I see Wolves lose at home, but at least I've only shelled out thirty-five quid (including a pint and a balti pie) and I've more often than not seen a goal or two. Imagine being a Gooner and having to shell out up to ninety-two quid to sit through a yawnfest like that. Bo-o-oring!

24th January '09 - Wolves 1 Middlesborough 2. And there we go, out of the FA Cup. Funny thing - we were having a damn good game up until the sixty-fifth minute. Ok, so Southgate's lot sneaked a cheap one in just before half time, but we came back strongly after the break and Sam Vokes equalised brilliantly on sixty-three minutes. We were looking strong and aggressive. We were up for it. Then Kightly came on...

23rd January '09 - For all those of you still using Norton products, can I humbly suggest you have a look at this? It does twice as much as Systemworks, runs unobtrusively in the background and doesn't keep sticking it's fucking nose in every few minutes and slowing your system to a crawl like the market 'leader'. It's cheaper, too. Go on, try it...

22nd January '09 - Sony, bless 'em, have decided to get in on the lucrative netbook market. They've just launced two new Vaio models at £849 and £1379 repectively. Both are the same size as my Eee, but only the more expensive model outperforms it. Why the extortionate price? Well, according to Sony, it cost more than other netbook options because, they say, 'it is something that people will want to aspire to.' You're going to go out of business, boys, you know that, don't you?

21st January '09 - Here I sit typing this just before I head out on the Night Shift. It's a cold evening here in London, it's raining and blowing a gale. Two of my team are off and there's every chance that I could be spending the next ten hours out taking photographs in this dreadful weather. The Fishwife, on the other hand, will be lying on the sofa watching the DVD her mate has lent her. It's 'Mamma Mia'. On the whole, I reckon I'm getting off lightly...

20th January '09 - Well, that's it. The new Messiah is now installed in the Oval Office, despite having to be fed his inauguration lines three words at a time (even the previous idiot could string a sentence together...just.) Anyway, now Barack is the Prez, can we all please stop calling him 'black'? He's as much white as he is black, so the term is 'mixed race', surely? You know, like Tiger Woods or Lewis Hamilton. Oh wait, they're 'black' too, aren't they? How come it's not racist to completely eradicate the white side of someone's parentage? Like I said only a few days ago, 'racism' only works one way...

19th January '09 - Apparently, it's 'Blue Monday', the worst day of the year as people finally realise that Christmas is long gone, the New Year's resolutions have been broken and it's a long hard slog at work until the summer hols. Me, I had a great time today. catching up on my team's annual leave requests and sick returns and doing a bit more of my NVQ in Management. Nice and relaxing and the time just flew. What stress?

18th January '09 - The banks are now asking for a further £200 billion from the Government in order to bail them out. Where the fuck did the last lot go, Darling?

17th January '09 - Bristol City 2 Wolves 2. I don't know about Mick McCarthy, but I'm starting to get worried now. We pissed away a two goal lead here for no reason other than we couldn't be arsed to do some decent defending. We're badly missing Mancienne and we are now without a league win in four games. Luckily, the point we gained today was enough to increase our lead to five points since all the other monkeys lost, but it's still not good enough. Break the bank, Mick! Get Mancienne back!

15th January '09 - The Hollywood obsession with recycling shows absolutely no sign of rolling over and dying anytime soon, with 2009 all set to see even more pointless remakes. They're having a crack at 'Poltergeist', 'Fame' and 'The Taking Of Pelham 123' again now. Did all the screenwriters spontaneously drop dead after the strike or what?

14th January '09 - Racism is shocking. An evil, twisted human disease that ought to be stamped on, hard, wherever it's encountered. I'm sure Lucy Newman from Cheltenham will agree after she was beaten up and had her cheekbone broken recently. The twenty-two year old was punched to the ground because her attackers told her she was different and didn't belong there. They told her to get back to her own country. You could be forgiven for thinking Lucy was black, right? Only she's very white. A blonde, in fact, who just happens to be studying in another country - Scotland. Yep, our fine fellow British citizens from over the border gave poor Lucy a shoeing because she was English, only for some reason this shocking racist attack was barely mentioned on the news anywhere. Is it 'cos she is not black? Funny how racism only seems to work one way, isn't it?

13th January '09 - Birmingham 0 Wolves 2. See, this is what I don't understand. How can we get stuffed 3-1 at home by a bunch of chancers like Preston, yet carve the Blouses up on their own turf whilst fielding our second choice strikers. Maybe it's because we were fielding our second choice strikers? Iwelumo and Ebanks-Blake get rested, Keogh and Vokes start and they both get goals. Weird. Maybe Super Mick will ring the changes a bit for the Bristol City game, who knows. Anyway, a Fourth Round crack at Middlesborough beckons. Bring it on. Oh, and fellow Collins-haters might be interested to hear that he missed an open goal in this game, too. Knob.

12th January '09 - Here I am once more on 'Rest' days before I start the next lot of Nights on my shift pattern. Every time I hit one of these little three-day oases, I promise myself I'm going to use the time to do something constructive. I'll start that novel, I'll do another chunk of my NVQ. I'll restock the iPod from scratch. What I actually end up doing is lying in bed until ten and then aimlessly surfing the web all day. Not this time, though! Today, I swore things would be different. Today, I forced myself out of my pit at half past six with big plans to get things done. I made myself a coffee and then...stuck the computer on and proceeded to surf the web. Only until noon, though! Yes, at noon, I had a change of tack. I went back to bed for a read. Ah, this is hopeless. I'm just not the type of person who can spend all their free time doing stuff. If God had meant us to be busy when we're not being paid for it, He wouldn't have invented loafing, would He? Still, today was not a complete loss. I did manage to finish off the last of the Christmas shortbread. Who say I can't 'get things done', eh? Pssh!

11th January '09 - It has just come to my attention that Kate Winslet has got a couple of Golden Globes. She picked up two film awards last night as well. I thank you.

10th January '09 - Wolves 1 Preston 3. Shit. An utterly shit performance from a bunch of tired players who weren't even trying. According to the BBC printout, Wolves barely managed forty per cent of the possession at home against a team who are, at best, just about play-off material. Again, McCarthy gives a full ninety minutes to Kightly because he's Irish and reminds him of him and again the bloke does nothing but run around huffing and puffing. Pointlessly sprinting the length of the pitch each game is not really something to be admired. It's no good having what McCarthy refers to as a 'phenomenal workrate' if there's bugger-all at the end of it. Worse still, that utter joke Neil Collins is still being allowed to pull on the shirt despite continually playing opposing stikers onside and perenially fluffing easy passes. So, from being in a position to end the year ten points clear after Christmas, we're now barely a game ahead of the pack. Mr. McCarthy, if I may, two small bits of advice for you: 1) Stop playing Kightly because all he can do is run with the ball and 2) Stop playing Collins because he's a fucking liability. Otherwise this time next month we could very well be a play-off team ourselves. There's still three weeks of the transfer window left, Mick. Offload these useless plums before it's too late.

9th January '09 - I spent all day today in a meeting that my boss forced me to go on. ("I've received your annual leave request, Bill. By the way, there's a meeting I can't make tomorrow, can you go?") Anyway, there were thirty-seven people in this 'working party' and one topic under discussion. A topic that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with my job. So basically, I just sat there like a stuffed tit and only said three words in six solid hours. They were: "One sugar, thanks." And you lot wonder where your taxes are going...

8th January '09 - I wish the newspapers would stop with all this over-reacting when it comes to the weather. This isn't a 'snow storm' and minus six isn't 'Arctic' temperatures. Toughen up, you bunch of wimps.

7th January '09 - Apparently, I haven't yet passed comment on Matt Smith, the new Doctor Who, so here goes. He looks alright. Yes, he's young, but he reminds me of Crispin Glover with a New Romantic hair-do. Not a bad combination for an quirky alien genius when you think about it. Good luck to the bloke. I'm sure the great Steven Moffat wouldn't ruin a franchise he turned down Spielberg for if he didn't think Matt could handle it. Roll on 2010.

6th January '09 - That's it. I've just paid off the Christmas credit card bill and this officially ends my spending for 2009. Credit crunch, recession or simple belt-tightening, call it what you will, but I've had a good look round here at Fish Towers and I've realised that there isn't anything I actually need anymore and that those things I'd like (such as a new gaming pc), I can happily do without until they start selling them at a more reasonable price. If everyone starts doing this, the economic term is called 'Deflation'. Good, bring it on. Meanwhile all those of you who want to carry on patronising the likes of Apple, Nike, Sony et al, please feel free to carry on being willingly fleeced. Baaa...

5th January '09 - Back to work after a fortnight away and the first thing I found waiting for me was three pages of emails. Once I'd deleted the crap, whittled down the stuff that wasn't really relevant to me and binned the stuff that had already gone out of date, I was left with twenty-three. Not bad, but still a waste of a whole morning. What the hell did we do before Microsoft Outlook? Work for a living, I suppose. I no longer recall...

4th January '09 - The long, sorry drive back to shitty London. For the first time in nearly twenty years, I find myself not wanting to go back to work tomorrow. This is what happens when high-flying management Masons get given carte blanche to systematically 'reorganise' departments they know nothing about. They get paid huge amounts for changing things seemingly at random and then buggering off again without being held accountable for the aftermath. Cheers, Richard, you knob.

3rd December '09 - Bloody Blouses! The cup match between Birmingham and Wolves had to be called off because of a frozen pitch. We have underpitch heating at Molineux, but those blue tossers up the road still haven't put it in, despite having been given a shit-load more Premiership money than we ever had. Tight Brummie bar-stewards...

2nd January '09 - It was at this point that I looked at the calendar and wondered where all that lovely leave had gone. Then, I looked at the supplies and wondered where all the lovely beer had gone. And the Blair's 'Death Rain' chilli kettle chips. 'Bother', said Pooh.

New Year's Day '09 - Today, I didn't get up at all. I lay there reading Bernard Cornwell, chucked myself in the bath around half eleven, made my bed and then got back in again. A bit later, I wandered downstarirs, got some food, took it back upstairs and lay in bed eating and reading. Then I had a nap. Later, I got some more food, made a cup of tea, took it back upstairs and drank it whilst reading. Then I went to sleep. What a fine day. Marvellous. This is what life must be like all the time for my Somalian chums at the bottom of the road. Almost worth voting for Gordon, isn't it?

New Year's Eve '08 - Faced with a choice between Jools Holland and Elton John, I opted for the idea of an early night with the cunning proviso of setting my alarm for five to midnight, at which point I came downstairs, went out into the garden, lit a rocket, came back in, sent some texts, drank half a bottle of Champagne and a bottle of cava and was back in bed before one. Ace plan! I'll be doing this every New Year from now on. Apart from next year when I've just realised I'm on Nights. Cock.

30th December '08 - All the 'Barnstormer' has gone and the 'Festivity' is on it's last legs. Fortunately, I have just returned from an amazing little off-licence down the road that sells Cain's Raisin Beer and Ridley's Old Bob. Or rather 'sold', as I think I've cleaned him out...

29th December '08 - Blackpool 2 Wolves 2. Balls. Right at the death, too, just as we'd snatched what looked to be a late winner. I don't know what the problem was this afternoon (too many mince pies?) but we didn't get out of second gear all game. Two points dropped, but still seven points clear at the top of the Championship going in to 2009. Yeah, I'll take that...

27th December '08 - I have now seen 'Kung Fu Panda' five times in two days. Awesome!

Boxing Day '08 - Wolves 1 Sheffield United 1. Lucky. The Blades came for some payback after the spanking we gave them at their place and we did well to deny them three points as they were all bloody over us! I'm more than happy with a point from this one. We don't often take four points from these guys in a typical season!

Christmas Day '08 - A mini cask of Bath Ales 'Festivity', a mini cask of Bath Ales 'Barnstormer', a packet of vanilla Havanas and copious handfuls of wasabi peanuts provided the background amusement. A full turkey dinner with all the trimmings took care of the main event. Afterwards, I just kind of sat there and looked fat all evening. With a life-size Cyberman helmet on. Well, had to get in the mood for 'Doctor Who', didn't I? I shouldn't have bothered really as it was dreadful, but at least Kylie wasn't in it. Or Billie bloody Piper.

Christmas Eve '08 - Went up to Wolverhampton to meet a mate for a last minute ale while the girls went to assault Next, but he cried off sick so I had to settle for a latte and some cake once they'd finished shopping. This must be how normal families behave. Weird.

23rd December '08 - Well, the little Asus Eee came out of the box, got powered up and I've had a good play. Good points? It's quick to boot, the screen is ace, the battery lasted seven hours and now I've dropped a 2GB memory chip in it, it's bleeding lightning. Bad points? Xandros. Not the greatest Linux distro on the market. As soon as I get back, I'm sticking Ubuntu on it instead. Could be worse though, I could've gone for the Windows version. Ick.

22nd December '08 - The annual jaunt to Brmingham for a few beers and a hot sausage or two, made all the more amusing this year by the fact that my old mate Bry was still hung over from the night before. No, scratch that, he was still wankered from the night before. Oh well, nothing that several more ales couldn't put right. Birmingham was absoulutely heaving with dobbers doing their last minute shopping. The queue in HMV was coming out of the door. Who are these idiots? What are they buying? Why?

20th December '08 - Yay! Here I sit having just finished my Night shifts. A quick hello and goodbye to you lot and I'm off for a nice relaxing drive to the Midlands for Christmas. Well, the Fishwife will be having a drive; I'll be asleep, but you get the picture. There might be a post or two between now and the New Year if I ever manage to get this new netbook out of the sodding box and up and running, but if not - back on the 4th. Have a good one, dudes!

19th December '08 - It looks like, once again, the new winner of poxy bloody 'X-Factor' will have the Christmas number one song. That'll be four years in a row that you idiot sheep have lined Simon Big Trouser's pockets over the festive season but hey, it's your money. This year's 'winner', Alexandra somebody-or-other will be serenading us with her version of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah'. God help us. Now don't get me wrong, this is an amazing, beautiful song but it needs some pathos and fire behind it and, quite frankly, do we really need another cover version? Leonard himself sang it well, Jeff Buckley nailed it and John Cale knocked it out of the fucking park with, for me, the definitive version. Since then Allison Crowe's had a go at it, Rufus Wainwright's had a go at it and now this twenty-year-old bint is having a go at it. And boy, is she having a go at it. With the law of diinishing returns well and truly in place, Alexandra's version is by far the duffest one I've ever heard, but because of the tone-deaf gibbons who buy this manufactured dreck (that'll be you), it'll no doubt sell by the truckload. Still, at least Simon fucking Cowell is off the telly for the foreseeable future. Hallelujah.

18th December '08 - Well, that was fun. Wonder where I've been for a week? Well, you know the fun I was having with the missing USB driver for my external hard drive? I did a bit of searching and found a program called 'DriverMagic' which apparently is supposed to check every bit of kit on your computer and automatically select and download the most up-to-date drivers for everything. Sounds the beans, doesn't it? I thought so, and happily paid my wedge and downloaded it. It spent two hours finding stuff and updating things before telling me to restart my computer and implement the changes. I did...and that was it. Absolutely fuck-all except the black screen of death. No XP logo, no cursor, nada. No probs, thought I, we'll just Safe Mode and System Restore, right? Wrong. Couldn't get into Safe Mode because the mouse and keyboard drivers were non-existant. "Aha! That'll be because they're USB. I'll go and buy a cheap PS/2 mouse and keyboard combo, that'll sort it!", was my next though. Wrong again; still fuck-all response. BIOS settings? Nope, no joy there. I know! How about a £40 recovery disc! Bollocks, it still needs a fucking mouse to work it. In the end, I found a pc engineer in Croydon and took the bloody thing round. Two hours it took him and it's now back to full working order. He even stuffed the new drivers in, optimised the registry and cleaned out all the crap. Thanks, Graham! You're a star! So here I am back again. Shed-loads out of pocket (my Christmas drinking money), but with a fully operational system once more...just in time to leave it for a week and go to Wolverhampton. Oh well...

13th December '08 - Wolves 2 Barnsley 0. That was a lot tougher than it needed to be, but fair play to Barnsley for coming to Molineux, rolling their sleeves up and giving us a game. Best of all, the Blouses up the road lost their match, so the six point cushion is well and truly back in place. Yowzer!

12th December '08 - It was our Christmas do this evening. I organised a meal at the excellent 'Porters' in Covent Garden. For those of you unfamiliar with the joint, it's a real ale and pie restaurant. We met in the Young's pub round the corner and returned there after the meal. Did you see what I did there? Ale, Ale, Pie then Ale again. Turkey and mulled wine, my shiny helmet...

11th December '08 - Still can't get this bloody external hard drive to work. How am I supposed to back up all my stuff if Windows bloody XP doesn't see the sodding thing when you plug it in? I did think of sticking all my music and photos onto DVDs, but there's seventy gig of the bloody stuff. Not good.

10th December '08 - I've just bought a lovely little steel combination safe for all my valuables. It's only six inches square, but it has a proper combination lock that clicks impressively when you spin the dial. Awesome! Shame I haven't go any actual valuables to put in the bleeder, isn't it?

9th December '08 - Wolves 3 Derby 0. That's what is known in the trade as 'bouncing back'. Well and truly steamrolled from the first minute to the ninetieth, it's difficult to see Derby even staying in the division this season. Bloody Birmingham won as well, though. Cock.

7th December '08 - Once I know what I'm doing, I'm going over totally to a Linux system. Bloody Windows XP has decided it doesn't want to see the external hard drive that it's happily been backing up to for the last four months, so I've got to search the bleeding interweb for a new driver for it, seeing as how it didn't come with a disc (it's supposedly 'plug and play'. Yeah, right.) Apart from gaming, there is absolutely no reason for me to patronise Bill Gates's shitty emporium, so I think I'm going to repartition my hard drive, keep a small chunk for XP so I can play 'Oblivion' and go Ubuntu on everything else. The other alternative is a Mac, but...actually, no, a Mac is no alternative whatsoever, is it? All style and no substance, the Leopard operating system is like a gift-wrapped turd. Lovely packaging on the outside, but inside...shit.

6th December '08 - QPR 1 Wolves 0. We weren't there. Seriously, we simply didn't show up. Whether everyone had been on the piss the night before knowing it was a half-five kick off, I don't know, but this was an absolutely dreadful display of zombie football. Lurching from one end of the pitch to the other and never looking once like finding the net. When Mick McCarthy takes Ebanks-Blake off in favour of Keogh, you know he's run out of ideas. Go back to Wolverhampton, boys, and have a bloody good sleep. Relax, put this charade behind you and it's three easy points from Derby on Tuesday night. Dear oh dear...

5th December '08 - And my prediction for the next big High Street name to go to the wall? WH Smith. I went in this afternoon to buy a film magazine. ('Total Film' for preference, though I'd settle for 'Empire', despite the ridiculous reviewer with the Professor Denzil Dexter hairstyle.) Anyway, there I was scanning the racks and there's nothing there. No film mag of any description. Not even the saddoes bible 'SFX', there were simply no movie magazines whatsoever. There were, however, six - SIX - seperate publications dedicated to Land Rover owners. Six. I counted them. Twice. So if you have shares in this company, I suggest you offload them now. Theyre going to go under...

4th December '08 - A friend at work last week urged me to give the new Guns n' Roses album, 'Chinese Democracy' a second chance. "Give it another few plays", she said, "It grows on you." I did. It doesn't.

3rd December '08 - Had a call from my credit card's fraud department this morning. They were expressing concern that a large number of transactions had taken place on my plastic in the last forty-eight hours and I had to answer a number of security questions before my card was 'unlocked'. (I didn't even know they'd barred it). I managed to assure them that, yes, it was me spending like a loon, but that was because of a little thing called 'Christmas shopping'. Still, can't fault them for checking. Ace service and all that, but surely in the current climate they should be glad that people are spending like Prescott in a pie shop, wouldn't you think?

2nd December '08 - This week is my week as God; or 'Duty Officer' as the official title has it. This duty comes round one week every nine and means I'm stuck in the office booking in jobs, chasing up infomation, tidying up the databases and sorting out all sorts of problems and accumulated shit while the rest of the troops get on with the day-to-day work. Normally, Duty Officer week is a ball-ache; it's all early starts, late finishes and a never-ending procession of idiots from a potential pool of forty-odd thousand phoning me up and wanting things done urgently. This week however, it ain't so bad. I've just realised that all the rest of the team are out there in the cold and wet and I'm in a nice warm office with tea and mince pies on the go. I shall be reminding each and every one of them of this fact every time they ring in from now on, preferably with a mouth full of pastry. Merry Christmas!

1st December '08 - Well, here we are again in the run up to Christmas. I've got the beer in. I've got the munchies in. And now, at six o'clock this evening, I realised that all I had left to do was my annual 'let's see if I can order everyone's presents off the internet in under an hour' routine, which I set about as soon as I'd scoffed my dinner. I got it down to forty-seven minutes this year. Including the hand-rolled vanilla cigars which I like to treat myself too once I've finished. Now all I need to do is actually pay for everything...

30th November '08 - Six hours of reality shit last night and more of the bastard same tonight. Why don't they do us all a favour and combine these poxy shows into one and give us some of our prime-time television back? Just imagine; one intense hour of nonebrities ballroom dancing in the jungle while singing karaoke badly and eating earwigs at the same fucking time or whatever it is these nobbers do. Jesus, it comes to something when you can look back at Mr. fucking Blobby as a Golden Age of Saturday night television.

29th November '08 - Wolves 1 Birmingham 1. Nope, I haven't got a problem with that. A very even game between the top two teams and both of them thoroughly deserved the point. We've still got the six point cushion and if both teams carry on putting in thiat sort of effort, it's automatic promotion for both of us. QPR away next. I'm toying with the idea of going, but I don't suppose they've heard of chicken balti pies in Shepherd's Bush...

28th November '08 - I have no idea how much processing power it's going to take to run this when it comes out next February but I have the sneaking suspicion that my PC - as quick as it is - might be found wanting. I think it's time to invest in a new pair of graphics cards and a shit-load of extra RAM. My God, this game looks awesome!

27th November '08 - I occasionally feel a bit guilty downloading copyrighted stuff from those naughty torrent sites, but when the copyright owners simply can't be arsed to put their merchandise on sale, then what alternative do I have? I'd happily pay thirty or forty quid for a DVD box-set of the awesome 'W.K.R.P. In Cincinnatti', one of the greatest American comedies ever, but if CBS can't be arsed to commission a UK transfer, then it's their loss, isn't it? Meanwhile, cheers to the guys at SumoTorrent for another top quality stream!

26th November '08 - I went out at lunchtime today to buy the new Lara Croft game, 'Tomb Raider: Underworld'. I was feeling pleased with myself having finally completed 'Anniversary' late last night and was looking forward to a couple of hours on the new one, which came out last friday. Came out, that is, on every format apart from the PS2. PC, Xbox, PS3, Wii and DS - all get a simultaneous worldwide release. The PS2 version however, won't be out until January because of, Sony say, 'coding issues'. Bollocks. They're simply holding it back over the Christmas period in order to bully gamers into shelling out for a shitty PS3. And yes, they are shit. Sony haven't publicised it, but they took the 60GB versions off the shelves - ones that were retro-compatible - and replaced them with 40GB and 80GB versions, which aren't. So any kid unwrapping one on Christmas morning is going to have a bit of a surprise when he finds out that his seven years worth of PS2 discs are now only good for drinks coasters. Greedy Japanese corporate wankers. I'm off to price up an Xbox on Amazon...

25th November '08 - Sheffield United 1 Wolves 3. How the blinking flip did we win this? Near as I could tell, we only had five clear chances all game. God knows what the possession stats read like, but I'd be surprised if the Blades had less than 70% of it. Still, that's another three points and seven wins on the trot. Oh, and Big Chris Iwelumo is now the top scorer in the division. Amazing! Unfortunately, Birmingham won too and guess who we've got on Saturday? Also, Sheffield helpfully made sure two of our finest were stretchered off as well. Damn, it's going to be a tough one this weekend. We'll either be three or nine points clear by five o'clock...

24th November '08 - What to do? You're forty years of age, still a rocker at heart and yet too old to get away with wearing band logo t-shirts? Don't panic, simply check out the fine range of awesome designer Japanese apparel over at Shiroi Neko and then key in the relevant info on eBay. Smart.

23rd November '08 - Carter USM, Brixton Academy (Although technically, this was last night) Well, I've seen my fair share of gigs at Brixton over the years. Motorhead, Foo Fighters, Ozzy Osbourne - they've all filled the place but I've never, ever seen it rammed like it was for Jim Bob and Fruitbat last night. Jesus, it was ten deep at the inside bars and the queue for the bogs came back into the venue itself! You couldn't have got any more bodies in if you'd pureed them. Why they didn't simply add a second night I'll never know. Still, absolutely awesome gig, though!

22nd November '08 - Wolves 2 Blackpool 0. And for the sixth game in a row, we stick two goals past the opposition. Good job too, because we've got a couple of real bastard games coming up. Sheffield United on Tuesday; a bogey team for us if ever there was one - big, nasty bruisers and a very loud, hostile crowd. Bit like us, really. And Saturday brings Birmingham to Molineux. Oo-er! Not a fun week for the Wanderers. Frankly, I'll take a point from both of these...

20th November '08 - I'm on the final level of 'Tomb Raider: Anniversary', the one with the huge, legless mutant abortion thing that shuffles after Lara and eats her. I've been plugging away at it for half a bloody day. Here's a little message from me to the Crystal Dynamics programmers: you evil, rotten, twisted bastards. Why won't she do what I tell her to, the useless little tart? Why does that big shit-sack keep pushing her off the ledge with his arse just when I've got his sodding energy down to bugger-all? Why? Why? Aargh!

19th November '08 - Yes, I know it's a bit naughty, but I've 'acquired' a promo copy of the new Guns n' Roses album 'Chinese Democracy' and all I can say is...bloody hell. Trust me, I'm no stranger to pompous, overblown production values on rock albums - I'm a Meat Loaf fan after all, but Axl is on another level with this one. Fifteen years he's been tinkering with this. Most of it in the engineering booth by the sound of it. It'll either die on it's arse or be the biggest album of the year depending on the mood of the US rock crowd. Just to give you some idea, imagine if Phil Spector, Jim Steinman and Jeff Lynne had decided to get together to produce a Queen album. And then Freddie decided he wanted to be Lemmy. Yes, really. Ow, my ears.

18th November '08 - According to 'Billboard', the top albums in the US right now are AC/DC's 'Black Ice' and Metallica's 'Death Magnetic'. A quick scan at the other charts reveals the top albums in Europe are AC/DC's 'Black Ice' and Metallica's 'Death Magnetic'. The top albums worldwide are AC/DC's 'Black Ice' and Metallica's 'Death Magnetic'. Know what the top albums in the UK are? Girls Alound and fucking Pink. This, I feel, pretty much sums up the state of this poxy country, don't you think?

17th November '08 - When Madonna married Guy Ritchie and moved to London, she said she wanted to become 'more English'. Well, now she's a single mum with three kids by three different fathers; one of them African. Job done, I'd say.

16th November '08 - Gordon Brown has intimated that 'lessons will be learned' after the murder of Baby P while under the care of Haringey Social Services. Would these be the same lessons that were supposedly 'learned' after the same council allowed Victoria Climbie be murdered in their 'care'?

15th November '08 - Southampton 1 Wolves 2. Remember early last year when I went to Molineux and these guys twatted us six - nil? I do, I paid thirty bleeding quid to watch it. We played a blinder that day and yet we ended up being thoroughly trounced. Today, however, we were dreadful. Absolutely shocking. And yet, we managed to bag another three points. I don't understand this at all...

14th November '08 - After much deliberation, I have decided that you all have my permission to punch anyone you still hear saying the words "double-you double-you double-you dot" when giving out a website address. A few streaming, bloody nasal cavities will sort these pillocks out in no time...

12th November '08 - I forgot to pay my Mastercard bill. Silly of me, I know, but I never use the bloody thing and I'd forgotten I had, but the Russian Mp3 download site doesn't take Visa, so I topped my account up with $10 (£6) using Mastercard and then forgot about it. Know how much the bastards charged me for missing that six quid payment? Twelve pounds. Twice what I owed them. I've paid it, cut the fucking thing up and sent the pieces back to them with a nice letter. People appreciate the personal touch...

11th November '08 - Not many people in Streatham today wearing poppies. Then again, the African continent didn't really have a lot of involvement at Passchendale, did it?

10th November '08 - Now that Obama fever is well in flow, there's call for more black faces everywhere, especially on TV and in the movies. Nothing wrong with that, says I, and the murmurings I've heard of a black Doctor Who (Colin Salmon) and a black Wonder Woman (Beyonce) would be great. Salmon is ace, and if the white middle classes had've woken up to black acting talent a couple of years earlier, this guy could've (and should've) been the new James Bond. He's a brilliant actor and would be awesome in either role (and certainly more expressive than Daniel 'stick-up-arse' Craig!) Beyonce Knowles, bless her, is not a great actress, but Wonder Woman is about filling a stars n' stripes bikini and the girl can certainly do that. What I do have a problem with is the other Hollywood rumour going around about a black actor playing Captain America in a WWII 'origin' movie. Sorry, but no. Not in this instance. Firstly, Captain America is a blond, blue-eyed character and has been since he was created in 1941, and secondly, no-one in a WWII movie would give a black man in red, white and blue spandex the time of day. It simply wouldn't work. Let's hope the new-found hysteria in Hollywood calms down a bit, and, more to the point, let's hope Will Smith doen't get wind of it, beacuse his dreadful cocky mugging would kill the role stone dead.

9th November '08 - Well, it's half ten on a Sunday night, I've just sat through the new 'Sharpe' (so-so) and I'm still waiting for this year's Bonfire Night fireworks to start. There's been absolutely nothing this year in Streatham. Last year was crap, but at least a few of the locals had the occasional back garden blow out. What's going on? Either Health & Safety have killed off all the local displays or the credit cruch has stopped people shelling out for their own pyrotechnics. Or maybe there's simply no English people left in South London anymore...

8th November '08 - Wolves 2 Burnley 0. A tough game against one of the division's battling sides, but another solid performance and another three points (sorry, Les!) The papers are starting to big us up now, although six points clear in November is far from six points clear at the start of May. Don't forget, we were ten points clear when Dave Jones had us back in '02 and frittered that away by the last day of the season, so let's keep things in perspective, eh? Still, nice having a two game cushion!

7th November '08 - Celebratory birthday beer at the huge Wetherspoons on Charing Cross Road (the old 'Marquee', for those of you of a similar age.) I was chuffed to bits to find we were slap-bang in the middle of the Wetherspoons annual Beer Festival, and even more made up to find that there was both St. Austell 'Proper Job' and Banks's 'Winter Ale' on, too! Went to the Intrepid Fox after, but they'd taken the pinball machine out and the beer was...well, there wasn't any. There never has been in the Fox, but I guess that's not the point. Anyway, a couple of Newky Browns and an Old Port or two (rare for me these days!) and that was pretty much my birthday sorted. Hey, who said it had to be exciting? I'm forty now, for fuck's sake!

6th November '08 - My fortieth birthday. According to Derek Nimmo, this is when my life begins. Marvellous, I'll have some of that! I have major plans for this upcoming new life of mine - lose some weight, get fit again, start writing that sit-com/novel and partake in filthy, degrading sex with a PVC clad Jennifer Connelly. I fully intend to get started on at least three of these missions immediately. Anyone know Jennifer's number?

5th November '08 - Time to celebrate the closest the British people have ever come to really letting our politicians know what we think of them. Go out, light a few fireworks and burn an effigy of a Catholic in your back garden. Or a real one, if you're Ian Paisley...

4th November '08 - Well, it looks like the Yanks have finally got what they've always wanted - their very own Tony Blair. Yes, Barack Obama is on course to become President based on a campaign of soundbites and spin, just like old jug-ears did in '97. The only difference is, Blair rolled in during a time of prosperity and plenty and inherited a cast-iron economy. It took Britain almost a decade to see through the useless, lying tool. I doubt the Americans will have that sort of time and patience with Obama. Sarah Palin for 2012, anyone?

3rd November '08 - There's a new PC game at the top of the charts (Mac users, look away now. 'Gaming' is a concept you won't be familiar with, as it requires a combination of things we call 'graphics' and 'processing power'.) Anyway, Fallout 3 is the new king of the hill, a huge, open-ended sandbox game set in a post-apocalyptic landscape. There's so much to explore, one reviewer said: "Never mind Christmas, you'll still be playing this next Christmas!" Given that it comes from the same guys who created the awesome Oblivion, I can well believe him. I'm still playing that almost two years after I bought it!

2nd November '08 - Lazy Sunday. I was supposed to get up early and do some more writing for my NVQ, as the moderator is coming to check my progress on Wednesday, but I decided to roll over and go back to sleep instead. In the spirit of all deadline-locked students everywhere, I'll do it on Tuesday night ready for the following morning. Well, there's no midweek game, is there?

1st November '08 - Cardiff 1 Wolves 2. No idea how we held on to this one. Dave Jones's boys were all over us for the last twenty minutes. Good result, though. With Birmingham not playing until Monday, we're now four points clear on top. Bloody Burnley on Saturday, though. My mate Les will no doubt have his texting finger itching to go if we drop some points here. Git.

Hallowe'en '08 - You wouldn't have known it from the state of Streatham this evening. No Jack O' Lanterns, no trick-or-treaters, no fireworks, nothing. Patently, they don't have Hallowe'en in Somalia.

30th October '08 (Devil's Night) - The time of the year when I stick on my all-time favourite film and wonder if this will be the viewing when I'll no longer be wowed by it. Then again, it hasn't diminished for me in fourteen years, so I don't suppose it will this time. A dark, haunting tale of love, violence and revenge. If you've never seen it, there is a little piece missing from your life...

29th October '08 - Wolves 2 Swansea 1. Ok, so it was last night, but with Birmingham slipping up to QPR, it puts us back on top and makes amends for these Welsh hoops turning us over at their place a few weeks ago. Now if only we can get a win on Saturday against the other Welsh team - third placed Cardiff - we'll start to pull away from the pack and then we'll really be laughing!

28th October '08 - Not that I give a rat's arse, but have you seen the yacht that the Tory Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne, supposedly met that Russian squillionaire aboard? Now I don't know about you, but several images drift across my mind's eye when I hear the word 'yacht' and most of them involve twelve foot of fibreglass and a big white sheet of sail. However, the vessel in question looks like this. Come on, there has to be a better classification for it than 'yacht'. 'God's Own Massive Sea-Cruising Sex Palace' seems a more apt name to me...

27th October '08 - Still no AC/DC tickets to be had for love nor money. Knackers.

26th October '08 - I've decided to be a bit pedantic about something (most unlike me, I know). You know that model who spells her name 'Agyness Deyn'? Well, I'm going to be pronouncing it like it looks - 'Aggy-ness' from now on. Actually, no. I'm going to call her plain old 'Laura' instead, since that's what she was christened. Or I could simply not refer her at all, despite the fact that the irrelevant bint is in my paper every bloody day...

25th October '08 - Watford 2 Wolves 3. If last week was winning 'ugly', then this game was bloody hideous. We simply shouldn't be going to pieces at the back like this every time the pressure kicks in. I wasn't like that at the start of the season, so why the jitters now? Anyway, it's bloody Swansea again on Tuesday. Come on, boys, payback time!

24th October '08 - No matter how thirsty you are, never attempt to down an ice-cold can of lemon Perrier in one go. I thought my eyeballs were going to explode...

23rd October '08 - Atheist Professor Richard Dawkins has shelled out for an advertising campaign on thirty London buses challenging people's belief in the Almighty. It runs "There's probably no God, so stop worrying and enjoy your life!" Nice one, Dick, but in the spirit of multiculturalism, how about having a couple that replace the name 'God' with the name 'Allah'? Nah, that might be just a teensy bit too controversial, mightn't it, you chicken-shit bastard?

21st October '08 - Silly me! You see, whenever I heard old Gordon Brown wobbling on about 'Prudence' all these years, I naively assumed that he meant it in the terms or 'careful management and economy'. Given the chimp's fist he's made of the economy and the hell-for-leather borrowing he's currently engaged in, it appears I was wrong. 'Prudence' must obviously be a woman. I wonder who she is? Perhaps she's the one who'll knock on the door and repossess Great Britain once this clueless Scotch twat has finished bankrupting it...

20th October '08 - So those poor, easily offended Muslim souls are forcing Sony to withdraw copies of it's new game 'LittleBigPlanet' because the soundtrack contains a song which features two lines from the Koran. And Sony are actually doing it; losing millions of pounds re-editing the game instead of telling these twelfth-century-locked morons to fuck right off, grow up and develop a sense of humour. Why? Why are we constantly pandering to this one aggressive, intolerant 'religion' that has absolutely no desire to coexist peacefully with the rest of the world? Why?

19th October '08 - Gordon Brown has borrowed more money this month than in the whole of the previous eleven years of this failed NuLabour social-engineering experiment. Do you get the feeling he's doing this on purpose? I mean, deliberately bankrupting the country so he can sit sneering at the Tories when he's rotting on the oppsition benches? I believe the Naval term for this is 'scuppering', is it not? Fat Scotch twat.

18th October '08 - Wolves 2 Coventry 0. Blimey, talk about winning ugly! This was like a time-warp. For large portions of the game, I thought I was listening to a match from last year. Things settled down a bit in the second half, but it was still a lot more nervy than it should've been. Still, a win is a win and Birmingham could only draw, which puts us back on top. Just.

17th October '08 - Fucksocks. Stayed up from my Night Shift in order to book tickets online for ACDC next April only to see them all disappear in seconds. I know, just fucking know, that huge swathes of seats will have been bought up by radio stations like Virgin and XFM who've never played a fucking ACDC song in their entire existence and yet will have week-long ACDC giveaways where they'll hand out a pair of tickets every fucking hour to twats who once bought a Bryan Adams single and therefore quite like rock music. There'll be loads given out to corporate wankers, too. These'll be the ones with nobody sitting in them on the night. Bastards bastards bastards.

16th October '08 - Andy is my new best friend. Andy has just come back from Cornwall. Andy brought me some fresh Philp's pasties and St. Austell beer. I *heart* Andy...

15th October '08 - I've just finished watching the first half of Season Four of 'Battlestar Galactica'. Wow. The second half won't begin transmission until January and will run to the end on March, meaning that it won't be on DVD until next May. AARRGH!

14th October '08 - First mince pie of the year scoffed. Come on, Noddy, you're late...

13th October '08 - Joy. Back on the Lates/Nights part of my shift pattern. On the one hand, this is not too bad in that any work that comes in, especially after everyone else has gone home, is likely to be interesting and worthwhile. On the other hand, it's a long old slog from four o'clock to eleven. Still, there's always tea to be drunk...

12th October '08 - I'm always listening out in shops at this time of year to catch the first strains of Noddy Holder. Then I know the Festive Season is truly upon us once more. No Noddy today, but I did get a good old portion of Johnny Mathis in Woolworths, which reminded me of an observation my old mate Big Chris made many moons ago. Next time you hear 'When A Child Is Born', try substituting the title line with the words 'When You're Watching Porn.' Changes the whole perspective of the song and puts a big smile on your face at the same time, which is surely the whole point of Christmas, isn't it?

11th October '08 - Amazed by the offer I got through from Orange today. Apparently, I can upgrade to their new 'Panther' plan and get 1200 free minutes talk time every month. Twelve hundred minutes? That's twenty hours! Almost a whole day every month. I don't think it's possible for a man to speak for a full twenty hours in a month. A woman, yes, no problem, but not a man. In fact, I reckon if you added up everything I've ever said out loud until you had enough to cover twenty hours, we'd be somewhere back in 1997. Actually, that would be a stupendously bad move. Imagine having to do the Tony Blair thing all over again...

10th October '08 - I'm ill again. Snot, hacking cough, runny eyes - the works. There's no way I'm going sick, though. I've just had my sick leave printout from the nice HR people at work, and if I can keep struggling in until the seventeenth, I will have wiped my rolling three-year sickness record clean for the first time in my twenty year career. There's no financial incentive for me to do this, but I will get a warm feeling of smugness from it; partly for being a good trooper, but mostly for infecting everybody else with my germs. Shame there's not a management meeting anytime soon...

9th October '08 - I love the way this banking crisis is proving to be an excellent way of illustrating the solidarity of our wonderful European Union. The moment everything goes tits up, it's everyone for him (or in Germany's case, her) self. Personally, I've never trusted the whole British banking system, which is why all my money is tied up in Scandinavia. Those Icelanders know a thing or two about big business. One of 'em owns West Ham, you know...

7th October '08 - This whole banking collapse scenario. I don't know about you, but I'd have a lot more confidence if our Chancellor of the Exchequer looked a little more like a powerful, statesman-like leader and a little less like Steve Martin's idiot brother...

6th October '08 - My Union wrote to me to day to say that the Management had offered 2.5% as this year's pay award. Given the fact that the Government's own figures show inflation running at 4.7% in real terms, I'm curious as to just whom exactly the Management think will be stupid enough to tick the 'yes' box this time around. Just in case anyone was undecided though, the union helpfully pointed out that the big boys at the top of the organisation had seen their salaries go from £124,863 to £182,000 in five years, a leap of almost 50%, presumably, through saving money by offering us muppets derisory pay settlements. Hmm...can you spell s-t-r-i-k-e?

5th October '08 - Porn king Larry Flynt is in the spotlight for rushing out a hardcore film featuring doubles of Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice. 'Nailin' Payin' (sic) was made for ten thousand dollars and is no doubt exactly the same as every other grot flick ever made, but man, how much is it going to make with this kind of publicity? Check out Variety, AICN, Hollywood Reporter...pretty much any of the U.S. entertainment sites - it's all they're talking about. The guy's going to make a fortune. Shame the girl playing Sarah Palin wasn't clued up enough to negotiate a percentage deal. Then again, if she was that clued up she wouldn't be getting her hoop rattled in cheapo scud movies, would she?

4th October '08 - Swansea 3 Wolves 1. Six goals conceded in two games; two defeats in a week. I guess I ought to be grateful for the international break next week. Hopefully, by the next game, we'll have Big Chris Iwelumo back and that idiot Kightly will be fit again. Still, it could be worse. Losing to Reading is no disgrace (Swansea, however...) At least we're still in the hunt and it's a long way to the end of the season. No more shit defending though, eh, lads?

3rd October '08 - As I had a pocketful of change following a quick pint (or four) after work, I decided to have a flutter on the Euro Lottery. I've just checked the results and I've won £9.10. Unfortunately, I had six goes which cost me £9. My entire life in microcosm, folks...

2nd October '08 - Yes! At long last that useless twat Ian Blair has gone! Reading between the lines, it looks like Boris Johnson has convinced him to jump before he got pushed. Not a moment too soon in my opinion. The people of London are well rid of this politically-correct buffoon. Now the speculation turns to who his replacement will be. Frankly, they could give the job to Gordon the Gopher for all I (and I suspect most of London's coppers) care. You'd get better soundbites out of the puppet, too...

1st October '08 - Those of you who know me are aware of what I do for a living. Those of you who don't know me but pop here regularly have probably guessed. Whether you're one of my mates or have just landed here for the first time, you need to read this. Seriously, if you live in the UK and pay taxes then please, PLEASE, spend a fiver or so on a copy. Open your eyes...

30th September '08 - Wolves 0 Reading 3. Big buggery bollocks. Oh well, it had to end sometime. The worst thing was Jarvis  going off crippled. And the boy Kightly, too. Cock. Make no mistake, this was a reality check. Steve Coppell's lot handed us our arses - in style. Bang goes the three point lead and half of our wonderful new winger set-up. The honeymoon is over, kiddies, it's roll-the-sleeves-up time...

29th September '08 - Those of you with Sky Plus, try this. Next time 'Countdown' comes on, grab hold of your remote control and freeze the programme when Des O'Connor is on screen. Next, adjust the colour and contrast so that Des's flesh tones look natural, then resume play. Hey presto! Des is now a normal bloke hosting a battle of wits between two pasty-faced vampire zombies! Brilliant! That Vorderman woman still looks orange, though....

28th September '08 - If you're missing Harry Potter and looking for the new big thing in children's fantasy (and why not?) could do worse than giving this a go. Or you could just wait 'til the film comes out next month. Hey, it's got Bill Murray in it; I'm there!

27th September '08 - Wolves 2 Bristol City 0. Twenty-two points from a possible twenty-four and the best start for the boys in old gold & black since 1948. I'm loving this, just loving it! After all these years of journeymen, has-beens and wannabes we finally have a killer young team (average age 23) capable of carving through any opposition (or, in Kightly's case, just running around a lot.) There'll be a big game on Tuesday though. Reading, who play pretty much the same way as us and also have four blokes capable of scoring. It's going to be a hell of a battle!

26th September '08 - Joe Kinnear has been appointed as the new manager of Newcastle United. Given the bloke's track record, the Magpies would've been better off with Roy Kinnear and he's been dead for twenty years...

25th September '08 - It's a £100 million 'Superdraw' jackpot on the Euro Lottery this evening. Let's take a bet on who'll win, shall we? I'm saying a Frenchman, but then again it could be a Frenchman or a Frenchman. Or maybe a Belgian. Or a Frenchman.

24th September '08 - George Michael has escaped a custodial sentence - or indeed any sentence whatsoever - after being found in possession of a Class 'A' drug (crack cocaine) whilst looking for rough trade in a public toilet in Hampstead. Apparently, he gave the idiot judge a sob story about how a conviction would render him unable to play an AIDS charity gig in America and the idiot judge let him off. I'd have thought that if George was that concerned about AIDS, he'd be doing all in his power to limit the spread of it, like, say, not having drug-fuelled gay sex with strangers in public toilets...

22nd September '08 - I must be off my head. I have a re-rostered rest day today, meaning I can take it easy and have a lie in, so what do I do? Get up at seven and proceed to spend the day ploughing through a couple of my write-ups for the NVQ in Management that I've so stupidly lumbered myself with. Eleven thousand words I've written today. On a day off. I must be round the bloody twist.

21st September '08 - If I'd known JK Rowling was going to give a million quid to Gordon Brown, I'd've never have bought the Harry Potter series in hardback. It's a good job she chose to do this after finishing Harry's tale, as I for one wouldn't have given a flying fuck what happened to the specky little twat if it meant any more of my hard-earned finding it's way into the clutches of that fat swivel-eyed Scotch tool in Number Ten...

20th September '08 - Preston 1 Wolves 3. Big Chris is back. Big Chris gets a hat-trick. Big Chris gets sent off, along with Wayne Hennessey and the Gaffer himself. Bizarre match, but yet another example of the awesome pace we've got this season with the two wingers dismantling the opposition at every turn. It may be that Iwelumo's red card will be overturned on appeal, but Hennesey's won't be, meaning we face a couple of games without the first choice goalie. Oh well, at least there's a three point cushion at the top now!

19th September '08 - Aarr! Aaarrr!! Today be the day, ye scurvy dogs! AAARRR!

18th September '08 - Well, the new Tomb Raider game is almost finished and the usual pre-release marketing frenzy has started. In keeping with tradition, new game equals new Lara model to do all the promotional stuff. This time however, they've gone for a real gymnast instead of simply scouring the agencies for the nearest big-breasted brunette. Check out what the poor girl has had to do for the job here. Ten years ago, all Nell McAndrew did was stick on a brown wig. Wow, is this gig getting tougher or what?

17th September '08 - It's half past five in the afternoon and I've just woken up. I'm working Nights at the moment and I don't know what planet I'm on. This is because I worked Nights last week too as they were understaffed, meaning I did my Late shift (1400 - 2300) and then carried on for another four hours to help the guys out a bit. I won't be doing that again, I can assure you. Still, the diet's going well. It's hard to eat when you're snoring, isn't it?

16th September '08 - Wolves 2 Crystal Palalce 1. Despite a nineteen second goal from Ebanks-Blake, we still managed to drop into the familiar 'sleep-walk' mode from last season and gift Palace an eqaliser. Happily though, we woke up again and could've had another brace toward the end. Still on fire, still top. We've got 'bogey' team Preston on Saturday, so I'll take a point there. Mind you, I'd have taken a point from either Palace or Charlton before the games, so what do I know? Birmingham are still neck and neck with us, but after the Preston game, we'll have played three of the toughest outfits in the division and they've still got them to come. Is this the year for automatic promotion? Will I finally get some comeback on one of those pre-season bets I've been putting on since 1991? Fingers crossed...

15th September '08 - Ah, the Monday morning post. I'm beginning to feel like a pelican. Everywhere I turn these days there's a fucking great bill in front of me...

13th September '08 - Charlton 1 Wolves 3. It just keeps getting better and better. Despite going one-nil down to an absolute stonker of a volley, we battled back and managed to turn over one of the pre-season favourites for title. At one point the little 'possession meter' on the BBC Sports website had us down as having 68% of the play. Excellent stuff! Roll on Tuesday at Molineux when we get the chance to do the double on the South London contingent. Crystal who?

12th September '08 - Can ITV honestly tell me that Billie Piper is the sexiest actress they could find for thir awful 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'?

11th September '08 - I've been reading a bit more about the Large Hadron Collider that CERN powered up the other morning. Apparently, the real high-speed collision stuff isn't due to take place until October 21st, and even if a microscopic, unstable Black Hole is formed and instantaneously burrows it's way to the Earth's core, we won't know anything about it for four years, at which point a brilliant stream of particles will suddenly erupt from the Indian Ocean into outer space, closely followed by the planet gradually collapsing in on itself and eventually taking the rest of the solar system with it. This should happen, if it's going to, around December 21st 2012, which, by a staggeringly curious coincidence, is the date given in the ancient Mayan calendar as the end of the world. Well, at least we won't have to worry about paying for the aftermath of the next Olympics, will we?

10th September '08 - Croatia 1 England 4. Fuck Setanta and fuck the BBC, who would rather pay Jonathan bastard Woss eighteen million quid for three years 'work' than pony up a better offer than two hundred thousand for us English people to watch the national team. Oh and fuck the FA, too, the fucking bunch of secretary-fucking fuckers, who couldn't be arsed to put some clauses in place to stop this happening. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. (Today's Diary entry was brought to you by the National Tourette's Society.)

9th September '08 - Although it's a perfectly easy mistake to make and totally understandable when one is tired after a hard day's work, can I just point out to the gentlemen present that ladies tend to frown on having milk and sugar absent-mindedly added to their peppermint tea. Sheesh.

8th September '08 - Nngg! A whole month to go until Season Four of the superb new 'Battlestar Galactica' drops through my door. After that, it'll just be a case of waiting for the final ten episodes to air in the New Year and avoiding all movie and tv websites until the last box set comes out. I am not by nature a violent man, but I will joyfully kill anyone who tells me anything about 'Galactica' from now until next April. Be warned!

7th September '08 - How come us Brits are known for our masochistic determination to eat the hottest curry available when we stagger into an Indian restaurant, yet any supermarket curry you buy is generally insipid to the point of insult. I had a hot Chicken Madras from Sainsbury's today. You could tell it was supposed to be hot as it had three little chilli symbols on the box, yet when I actually came to tuck in, I found that Jamie Oliver and I obviously have wildly differing ideas as to what constitutes 'hot'. Mind you, I should've realised. Even the Chicken Korma had one little chilli on the packet and Korma is a dish I technically classify as a dessert. Still, a good splash of Blair's 'Death Rain' sauce soon tickled the Madras up into something more edible. Jamie, you're a poof.

5th September '08 - They've finally knocked down Bushbury Baths in Wolverhampton, the place where I learned to swim and the scene of my famous forty-minute record-breaking score on 'Space Invaders' back in 1980. Bummer. What are the local schoolies going to do now? If it wasn't for the swimming lesson on a Wednesday morning, I reckon half of St. Chad's would've gone without a wash until they started their YTS programmes.

4th September '08 - In six days time, a scientific experiment will take place in Geneva, when a piece of equipment called the Large Hadron Collider will be powered up in an attempt to find out what happened in the very first moments after the Big Bang. 'Yes, Bill, so what?', you're probably thinking and I was too until I read that the machine itself is, how can I put it, somewhat on the large side. Like it's seventeen fucking miles long and the experiment in question could, theoretically, create an artifical black hole that would tear the planet apart. Somewhat worrying, no? However, the boffins at CERN who are in charge of the thing say there is 'little chance' of this happening. Er, I'm sorry, but 'little chance'? I don't know about you, but I for one would need something a tad more robust on the odds front than 'little chance' before I'd hit that button. I mean, there's 'little chance' of winning the National Lottery, but some bastard does every week, don't they? I think I'm going to take the day off a week next Wednesday and have an ale or two. Just in case I find myself waking up on Saturday with my toes in my earhole...

3rd September '08 - The Arab bloke who's just taken over Manchester City is worth a few bob. Old Roman Abramovich at Chelsea is said to be worth eleven billion quid. Impressive, but the bloke with the towel on his swede has got six hundred billion in his back pocket. By contrast, Steve Morgan, the Liverpudlian tycoon who owns Wolves is worth four pound sixty. Bugger.

2nd September '08 - This just takes my breath away. Even looking at the pictures and reading the statistics, I simply can't take in the size of the thing. And then there are all the other headfucks, like a restaurant on the 122nd floor, a swimming pool on the 73rd and the fact that it's 688m tall at the moment, they're adding a floor a week and it's still nowhere near finished. I have simply got to see this before I die. Half a fucking mile of skyscraper! If they'd built it in London, you could see it from Oxford. My brain is having trouble processing this. Unreal.

1st September '08 - There comes a point in every man's career when the drive and fire goes out as he finally realises he can see his retirement peeping over the horizon and waving happily at him. Tony, my boss, has just had this epiphany as we picked up our payslips this morning. "Only another sixteen payslips and I'm out!", was his observation. I did a quick bit of mental arithmatic and told him I'd got another two hundred and sixty-one. The bastard was still smiling after lunch.

31st August '08 - As it's the weekend and I'm not working, I decided to take one of my 'proper' hayfever tablets last night to try and hammer this snot-fest I've been suffering from all week. Big mistake. I've only just rolled out of my pit. I won't disgrace myself by telling you what the time is, but put it this way - a nice bath, a quick read of the new 'Empire', and it'll be time for an early night what with work tomorrow. Bloody Piriteze. They're more relaxing than crack...

30th August '08 - Wolves 5 Nottingham Forest 1. Wow. A masterclass in passing and finishing that left the faithful hoarse from all the cheers of 'Ole!' after every successful pass. Nothing between the teams for the first twenty minutes and then that was it - once Forest had conceded the first goal they were simply danced off the park. Four down at half time and, despite a ten-minute rally at the start of the second, they were never really in it. We are now top of the table with a +5 goal difference. Unheard of! There's a two week gap now for internationals. Not a bad way to go into a break, eh?

29th August '08 - I realise my taste in music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I have to give a nod to the new Slipknot album, 'All Hope is Gone'. Brutal, yet with some surprisingly melodic stretches that almost remind you of early Opeth. It won't sell over here of course, and it certainly won't get any airplay, but if you feel the need to have your ears punished by some superior metal, give it a go...

28th August '08 - As a Wolves fan, I'm no stranger to the 'delights' of dull football, but the way Liverpool played against Standard Liege last night was in a different class. I have never sat through a more bone-crushingly dull game of televised football in my puff. I even had two bottles of Beck's left at the end of the match, as I decided on about the hour mark that I didn't want to waste any more beer on such a turgid display. Awful, awful game. And then the cheeky Scouse chappies go and nick it right at the end in exactly the same way that Wolves don't. If I'd paid to go and see that, I'd've wanted my wedge back. Even the commentator said it was 'torture'. By 'eck, it's grim oop north.

26th August '08 - Rotherham 0 Wolves 0 (AET). Then guess what happened? Yup, penalties. And we all know how great Wolves are at penalties, don't we?. Still, I suppose I should be grateful we slotted three out of five and only completely missed the huge, rectangular target twice. Sadly, Rotherham only missed once and that was the end of this particular cup campaign. I can honestly say though that this was one of the dullest games I've ever listened to in the seven years that live internet matches have been broadcast. Seriously, I can't recall one single decent shot on goal from either team. It's almost as if neither manager fancied the chance of another boring trophy cluttering up the dressing room. Weird.

25th August '08 - My pension update came today. It told me how much I'd get if I left now and how much I'd be retiring on if I carried on earning what I'm earning at the moment. Bloody depressing it was too. I'm going to have to nab some sort of promotion before too long or it's looking like Pot Noodles from the age of sixty-five. Either that or it's time to start kissing some managerial arse. Anyone know how you become a Mason?

24th August '08 - Did anyone catch that programme on Channel Four last night about how the planet would cope if all the humans suddenly disappeared? Fascinating stuff. Ok, so things were a bit grim for the first few years while the rats and the cockroaches had a party, but once nature re-balanced itself (after about fifty years), the planet was lovely. All the cities had turned green, the oceans were clean and full of life and the air quality was as pure as it was before we came along. Wonderful. Now if only someone would invent the time machine and you lot would all fuck off, I'd have a lovely time!

23rd August '08 - Ipswich 0 Wolves 2. Well, that was more like it! Funny, but with Jody Craddock sidelined and Karl Henry donning the captain's armband, the makeshift defence did very nicely, thank-you. I don't know what has happened to the sister-shaggers since our last visit, but this was nowhere near the battle I was expecting. In fact, it was quite a comfortable win in the end. Wolves played with confidence and attitude from the moment the whistle went. Let's have a few more of these, Michael!

21st August '08 - I know I've been knocking the Olympics over the last couple of weeks, but that Usain Bolt is a bit quick, isn't he? Imagine a Jamaican battering both the 100m and 200m times and taking both golds in the process. No offence, but Jamaicans aren't exactly renowned for their 'up and at 'em' approach to life, are they? Perhaps he's had some of these. I had some this evening and I'm fairly sure I could've given him a run for his money, especially if there was a cold beer at the finishing line. Wow!

20th August '08 - I got utterly soaked by Global Warming again today. I hate that this keeps happening. Perhaps I ought to pay some more taxes so that Alistair can fix it?

19th August '08 - As I'm on a couple of Rest Days from the gruelling four-tier shift pattern that I'm forced to work in order to earn a crust in this God-forsaken city, I though today might be a good time to do all my computer updates. All was well until I spotted the alert from Nokia. 'Would you like to update your phone's software?' was how they put it. Perhaps a more accurate pitch would've been 'Would you like us to delete every fucking address, number, game and ringtone in your memory so we can drop a couple of un-eraseable advertising cookies into your phone's brain'? Wankers. Hearty apologies if you call me over the next few weeks and get greeted with 'Hello, who the hell are you?' Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

18th August '08 - In case you heard me this evening, I'd just like to point out that thing that ran over my foot wasn't 'just a spider', alright? And I didn't 'scream like a girl'. It was in fact one of those Martian tripod things from 'War of the Worlds' and I was merely expressing a manly roar of rage combined with a gasp of appreciation at the sheer size of the beast. Or something...

16th August '08 - Wolves 4 Sheff Wed 1. Apart from the usual 'let's have a twenty-minute nap in the first half' syndrome, this was a pretty solid performance form the boys. I will now say, hand on heart, that our midfield and strike-force are as good as anything in the division. The goalie's not bad, either. All we need is a couple of new bods to shore up the back four and we're laughing. We've never got over the loss of Joleon Lescott, frankly, and Jody Craddock, bless him, just isn't up to the job...

15th August '08 - And it's a Happy Fiftieth Birthday to the Queen of Pap - sorry, 'Pop' - herself; the one and only Madonna Louise Ritchie (for the time being) Ciccone, or whatever she's called. It seems like only yesterday that I first heard her debut single 'Borderline' and thought to myself "Now there's a girl who sounds like a sheep on helium, she's got no hope!" How wrong I was! Well done, Madge! You're living, empowering proof to women everywhere that a very little talent can go a very long way in the notoriously fickle music industry - especially if you have sex with your producer. Jelly bean, anyone?

14th August '08 - Has anyone else noticed that all the medals won by Brits so far in the Beijing Olympics have been won by women? Where are our blokes? Apart from the Judo lad from Wolverhampton who went over in a blaze of hype, apparently to have a bit of a cuddle with some foreigners (sorry, but I thought the art of Judo was to overpower one's opponent using their strength against them, rather than simply trying to balance in a starfish shape whilst on top of their prone form), there's not been a squeak from the British men. Puzzling. Still, I managed to catch a few minutes of the Women's Beach Volleyball today. Actually, it was more like an hour and a half. My, doesn't time fly when you're having fun? Although it's amazing how dry your tongue gets when it's hanging outside your mouth for any length of time...

13th August '08 - Wolves 3 Accrington 2. A hard-fought Cup battle for McCarthy's men as they twice came from a goal down against the awesome footballing gods of Accrington fucking Stanley. Every August I stick twenty quid on Wolves being promoted to the Premiership and every March I rip the thing up in a resigned fit of melancholy. Not this season, though! This season I'll be ripping it up in December...

12th August '08 - Despite having worked in the same building for almost twenty years, it still never ceases to amaze me the number of people I work with who simply cannot grasp the concept of the flushing toilet. Time after time, I head for the cubicle only to be confronted by Richard staring up at me from the bowl. Why do people do this? How much effort is it to push the bloody lever and flush? I normally wouldn't post anything as scatological in nature as this, but today was just too much. Both cubicles. Both of them. And not just Richard, pureed Richard. Vile.

11th August '08 - Following on from yesterday's post, I have discovered that the culprits behind 1% milk are Robert Wiseman dairies, currently being run by one Alan Wiseman. Alan is a Scotchman and his company, Wiseman Dairies, were one of a number of dairy companies investigated by the Office of Fair Trading for a £270 million price-fixing scam, which resulted in combined fines of over £116 million. So, a bent Scotchman with iffy business practices. Sounds like a perfect Ministerial candidate to me...

10th August '08 - Variety. Spice of life and all that. Question is, when does too much variety become ridiculous? I reckon it's when they bring in another level of milk, like the one I saw in Tesco this afternoon. Now, there's your full-fat milk with the blue top, your skimmed milk with the red top and your semi-skimmed with the green top, right? They're 4%, 0.1% and 2% fat respectively. So far, so sensible. Something for everyone there, you may feel. Except now there's a new one - 1% fat, which sits there next to the skimmed in an orange top looking faintly embarrassed. Why? Why does this product exist? There's simply no need for it. Only growing kids and idiots drink full fat, while people on a diet (ie, virtually every woman) drink skimmed. This leaves semi-skimmed for everyone else. Who decided that semi-skimmed was just a tad too rich and that skimmed was just a tad too insipid? Who felt that the extra 1% of fat that semi-skimmed offered was unacceptable, but that losing out on a further 0.9% by drinking skimmed simply wasn't on? Who was this person and can we have them killed, please, before they realise their natural calling and gravitate into politics?

9th August '08 - Plymouth 2 Wolves 2. And here we are again; a new football season. My, hasn't the time flown! It's like we've never been away, as, sadly, this performance shows. Same old Wolves. Creative and dangerous going forward, sloppy and inattentive at the back. This game was a microcosmic view of Mick McCarthy's entire tenure so far. Oh well, a point's a point...

8th August '08 - Four pounds. That's how much weight I gained from yesterday's extravaganza. I am now officialy a fat whack. The diet starts now. Well, not now exactly as I'm out again tonight. And tomorrow night. Monday. The diet starts first thing Monday. I intend to be back in my thirty-inch waist Levi's by the time I hit forty, even if I have to saw a leg off to do it.

7th August '08 - The Great British Beer Festival, Earls Court. What can I say? Superb stuff! We'd been planning this one for ages. A top fella named Graham will be retiring this year, so we arranged this one in his honour. Graham t-shirts and Graham masks were the order of the day, which I liberally distributed all around the venue, along with Graham beer-mats and colouring-in Grahams for those taking a break from the drinking. Then the man himself turned up and was feted as royalty for the rest of the evening, with people signing his shirt and him signing theirs. It was a thoroughly enjoyable event. As to the beer, the bad news is that Cain's have gone into administration (no more 'Raisin Ale'? No!), but we managed to find several new favourites, such as Bath Ales' wonderful 'Barnstormer' and Shepherd Neame's 'Canterbury Jack'. For me, the prize went to an American bottled beer which I think was called 'Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout'. I may have misremembered though, as I had two bottles of it and it was 11% (although, to be fair, I didn't realise it was 11% until I was halfway down the second one, by which time it was wa-a-y too late.) Anyway, a positively awesome day out and roll on 2009, which will be the fifteenth year for the boys and girls from work. Who knows, we might even knock up another t-shirt. By the way, the venerable Wangbar took some piccies. Have a look here.

5th August '08 - I'm getting a bit tired of the 'moral majority' having a pop at the new Batman film for being too violent. I couldn't believe the editorial in the Daily Mail today. There they were, banging on about the Joker enjoying killing with a knife 'because it takes his victims longer to die' and a part in the film where a man's eye is 'viciously jabbed out with a pencil'; neither of which statements are factually correct. What the Joker actually says is this: "Do you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savour all the... little... emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?" Far more subtle, and all the more disturbing for it, don't you think? As for the thing with the pencil, it's actually embedded in the table and a goon's head is bounced onto it at high velocity. No eye, no blood; just a pencil upright on a table in one frame and gone the next. So if you're going to express righteous indignation over something, at least do so from a position of credibility, yeah? Like, actually watch the thing you're getting worked up about before you start honking, otherwise you just end up looking really fucking stupid. And for the record, yes, it's violent and yes, I do think it should've been a 15 rather than a 12A, but have a pop at the idiots at the BBFC who classified it as such, rather than the makers of the movie.

4th August '08 - Only three beer days to go now until beer my annual pilgrimage to beer 'The Great British Beer Festival' at Earls beer Court. It's very beer strange, but I don't seem to be feeling my usual beer levels of excitement and beer anticipation this year. Perhaps I'm beer finally beer beer. Beer.

3rd August '08 - By now, you're probably sick of all the hype surrounding the new Batman film, 'The Dark Knight'. You're probably telling yourself it can't possibly be as good as everyone's making out. You'd be right. It's way, way better. Do not wait for this film to come to DVD, get your arse to a cinema and see it on a big screen NOW. IMAX if you can. It's absolutely astonishing!

2nd August '08 - Wolves 4 Blackburn 2 (Friendly). It could easily have been six, too. Against Mr. Ince's full-strength Premiership outfit. Not bad, Mick! More of this for the next forty-six if you please!

1st August '08 - In a fit of misguided nostalgia, I decided to have a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch this morning. It's half eight at night and I'm still tasting the bastards. Unpleasant.

31st July '08 - It's almost Beer Festival time, and last night we picked up the t-shirts that I'd designed especially for the occasion. A very dear friend of ours, Graham, is retiring this year, and as he's a bit of a Real Ale boy, we decided to have this year's visit in his honour. In the strictest secrecy, I knocked up a t-shirt with his face on a la Warhol's 'Marilyn' and stuck some of his best quotes from the last fifteen years on the back. I was hoping we could maintain the surprise until the day itself but, alas, it was not to be. Graham found out about them. However, he is still in the dark about the fifty life-size masks I've made of his face that I'll be handing out to everyone I meet, though. I can't wait to see his face when he turnes up several hours after me only to be confronted with several dozen other Grahams wandering around drinking ale. Awesome!

29th July '08 - Muslim women - warm, isn't it? Still reckon that head-to-toe black burlap is the very thing, do you? It must be awfully oppressive to be so visibly oppressed, especially in this heat. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

28th July '08 - Ralph Fiennes' nephew is playing the young him in the next 'Harry Potter' film. Know what the little tyke's name is? Hero Fiennes-Tiffin. I think old Ralph ought to pop round to his sister's and give her a fucking good smack, don't you?

27th July '08 - What was that I was saying a few days back? Jee-sus, it's hot. After spending five hours out and about on a job this weekend, I currently resemble Mister Sweaty the Happy Beetroot. When you have a cold shower and find yourself, half an hour later after drying off, wetter than you went in, you KNOW it's too hot. I'm going to sit quietly in the fridge and drink some beer...

26th July '08 - As we finally get a taste of Summer, here's a quick tip for you all. If you've been working hard all day and fancy a nice, cold orange ice-lolly once you've finished, have it there and then. Don't stick it in the door-pocket of you van to have when you get underway and then promptly forget about it, 'cos it doesn't half make a fucking mess.

25th July '08 - Old Mick McCarthy usually knows what he's doing, and off-loading Freddy Eastwood to Coventry after he failed to impress was a good move in my book. However, parting with Seyi Olofinjana...I don't know. The guy was a bit special and I hope we don't come to rue that one later on...

24th July '08 - Interesting fact for you. Did you know that an estimated half a million mice live on the London Underground system? Not on the carriages themselves, obviously. I mean, they're far too dirty and unhygienic to subject poor little rodents to. Somebody might complain to the RSPCA....

23rd July '08 - I know it's Summer at long last, but was there really any need for three grown men in my department to turn up for work today wearing 'Crocs'? Deeply sad. Oh well, at least it's the twenty-first century. I suppose I should be grateful they didn't turn up in brown sandals with white socks...

22nd July '08 - The Wildhearts have just released a 'covers' album. It's called 'Stop Us If You've Heard This One Before' and it's fucking stupendous. Go and buy it now, monkeys!.

20th July '08 - I'm a bit depressed today. I downloaded a 'fun new mobile phone game' this afternoon called 'Dr. Kawashima's Brain Trainer', which, I was assured, would 'train and motivate' my cerebral development in an ongoing routine of mental dexterity. The first thing it did was subject me to a high-speed virtual game of predictive 'stone-paper-scissors' and then tell me I was a complete cabbage with a mental age of seventy-four. Bastard. Dr. Kawashima can go and blow himself, it's back to mobile 'Tetris' for me from now on...

19th July '08 - Fucking hell! What with 'The Dark Knight' next week and 'Watchmen' next year, it's just possible that Warner Bros might just get some of the money back that they pissed away on the God-awful 'Speed Racer'. I can't wait!

18th July '08 - Is there an epithet for July? I mean, we had 'Flaming June' and it pretty much was this year (just in time for my holiday - yay!), but I'm hard pushed to think of a soubriquet for this month. 'Grey July' perhaps? 'Cold, Novembery July'? 'The Next Person Who Mentions Global Warming Gets A Smack In The Mouth July'? Hmm...

16th July '08 - Wolves have finally off-loaded that over-hyped, under-achieving donkey Freddy Eastwood to Coventry for a million and a half. You just know he's going to start slotting them in left, right and centre from day one, don't you?

15th July '08 - The last of my Cornish beer supply has gone to the great recycling plant in the sky. Boo! No more Sharp's 'Doom Bar' for a whole year! Poor Fish!

14th July '08 - Well, I'm back. Sorry about that but work will intrude, won't it? Basically, it all went tits-up last Thursday and has only just calmed down again. I am positively snowed under with the sheer volume of work I've generated and if I find myself looking at one more bloody shoemark on a grey London paving slab, I'm going to scream. Well, not really, and only for a few days until I can clear my desk again. Lots of things have been said and written over the last few days about the spiralling knife-crime figures here in this once-great city, with one fatuous prick (possibly a Nu-Labour minister) stating that it could take fifteen years to turn the tide of stabbings as it was all down to disenfranchised youths with no sense of hope for the future. Bollocks. It would take a matter of weeks to end knife crime completely. Simply rush the Death Penalty onto the statute books again. Everybody wants it - apart from those being paid to represent our views, of course.

8th July '08 - And there I was thinking old Gordon Brown didn't have a sense of humour! Fair play to the lad; anyone who can attend a conference on world food shortage, eat an eight course meal (from a choice of nineteen) and still find time to tell us all we could save £8 a week by eating our leftovers is obviously one of the finest comic minds of our generation. I literally coughed my coffee all over the table reading this in the paper today. Not even Spike Milligan's writing did that to me!

7th July '08 - I'm a firm believer in the old adage of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it', which is why I'm a tad disappointed with the new Firefox 3 browser I've just downloaded, because it won't let me enter anything on my own website. At all. I'm here using bloody Internet Explorer, which I despise because it takes an age to upload, and trying to uninstall Firefox 3 and go back to 2.5, which of course it won't let me do. Arse! Why can't they just leave things alone?

6th July '08 - Can anyone explain to me why they're making another 'Terminator' film? And why they've chosen McG, the twat who brought you 'Charlie's Angels', to direct it? And why it's going to be released as a kid-friendly PG-13? Is Hollywood tired of making money all of a sudden or what?

5th July '08 - Ow. I was out last night celebrating the Fourth of July at a very nice pub in Fulham called 'The White Horse' (or 'The Sloaney Pony' to it's regulars.) After several hours of Sierra Nevada 'Torpedo' (at 7.5%) and Rogue 'Smoke Ale' (at 5.9%), it became suddenly apparent that a good walk home would be just the ticket. It was about a mile and a half in my head. Sadly, in reality, it's about five. In steel toe-capped workboots, too. This must be the first time ever that my feet have had a hangover...

3rd July '08 - Although my union days are long behind me, I still keep in touch with the lads on the committee even though I'm now on of 'them' - scumbag management (albeit a very small cog in a ridiculously over-sized machine). Today, I found out what sort of pay-rise proposal they're pitching to the board for next year, given the fact that the last two have been well below the rate of inflation. Now, being the eternal pessimist, it always gladdens my heart to see examples of blind, cheerful optimism in people who genuinely believe they have a chance of finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but come on lads, six and a half per cent? What the hell have you been smoking? I realise the point of initial bargaining is to start out wild and eventually negotiate downwards, but this is silly. You may as well have added 'blowjobs for everyone off Angelina Jolie' to the list; there's as much chance of us getting that as 6.5%!

2nd July '08 - That Andy Murray is a bit of a cock, isn't he? Surely this nasty Scotch racist can't be the best hope we have for underachievement in the tennis this year? Where's 'Tiger' Tim when you need him?

1st July '08 - I'm having pasty withdrawal symptoms. I've now gone three days without a Philp's Premium Steak and already I'm salivating and twitching just thinking about them. Crack addiction has got nothing on this...

30th June '08 - Oh well, back to work, and you have no idea how many e-mails were waiting for me this morning. In fact, it took until lunchtime to get through them all. A significant amount were from the same person; a fellow meaningless middle-management drone, trying desperately to find cover for his under-staffed unit. If I hadn't been on holiday, I could've picked up a truck-load of overtime, but then again, I'd rather have had the pasties...

29th June '08 - I have no idea how I came to be watching the highlights from Glastonbury this evening, but there you go. All I can say is, I've never been the biggest fan of Hip Hop before I saw 'Jay-Z' this evening, but after a performance like that...what can I say? I really hate the shit now. Those ker-razy student types who spent a hundred and eighty quid to be shouted at by an angry black fella really ought to have thought about it beforehand. They could've simply stood around at the bus-stops at the top of Brixton High Road and saved themselves a fortune. Ah well, stick it on the Student Loan and worry about it later...like all through your Thirties.

16th - 28th June '08 - St. Ives, Cornwall - I put up with fifty weeks of shit every year for these two. A marvellous time was had, and for once the weather was glorious. I spent every day out and about, seeing the sights and getting loads of fresh sea air (apart from one day where it was misty and rained non-stop, where I chose to sit in a pub, eating and drinking instead, so it wasn't a complete loss.) Spent a fortune, put on five pounds, and no doubt stuck my cholesterol levels through the stratosphere, but I care not a jot. It was fantastic. Oh well, back to porridge and water for the foreseeable future. Boo! There's a brace of frozen pasties in the freezer and a few bottles of Sharp's Doom Bar squirrelled away for a rainy day, however. I shall enjoy savouring these through the cold, dark winter months. The one downer was finding out that my favourite Cornish beer, St. Austell Cornish Cream, was being discontinued this December, so I had to make sure I got enough down my neck to retain some sort of chemical memory of it. It's a crying shame they're stopping it. It's a gorgeous, creamy sweet version of Guinness and only 3.7% abv - a perfect session stout. Never mind, I'm sure Sharp's Special will fill the gap next year - even though it's 5.3%. Oo-er!

14th June '08 - See you in a fortnight, monkeys! Penzance, here I come!

13th June '08 - This one goes out to my old mate Dave: Now, over the years, I've given those blue-skinned Scotchmen a fair bit of stick here at billythefish.com, but today I discovered a reason to sing their praises. For the fact is, when it comes to after-drinking foodstuffs, they are light-years ahead of us poor, deluded English lightweights with our kebabs. Gentlemen; from Glasgow, I give you the 'Munchy Box'  Wow. I am in awe.

12th June '08 - And here's the reason I'd never buy a sat-nav. The Fishwife decided to 'make life easier' this morning by printing out an AA routemap from the interweb so that I would know exactly how to get from Streatham to St. Ives on Saturday. The version that came back was all about weaving through Wandsworth, taking the A4, then the M4, then the M32, several 'A' roads into Bristol and several 'B' roads out before finally joining the M5 at Avonmouth. Well yes, that's certainly one way of doing it. Or I could simply follow the M4 to the very end where it joins the M5 anyway. Technology, eh? Do you ever get the feeling that the sat-nav manufacturers are in league with the petrol companies?

11th June '08 - Went to the cafe this morning with a mate for a full English breakfast. For some reason, he didn't understand why I didn't want plum tomatoes with mine. So I told him. The reason I didn't want plum tomatoes is that they look like boiled, aborted foetuses and I didn't want them lying there, steaming and bleeding all over my plate. Funnily enough, he ended up leaving most of his after I'd pointed this out...

10th June '08 - Just seen the weather forecast for next week. Rain. It's lovely and hot and sunny at the moment while I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get some sleep after my night shift, but next week, when I'll be in Cornwall, the weather is due to turn 'colder and wetter'. If ever I meet that Joker-faced Welsh weather tart, I'm slapping the cow.

9th June '08 - All over my ISP's homepage are links to their competition site where you can win tickets for this year's Glastonbury. What, you mean it hasn't sold out this time? I find it hard to believe that the students are not positively flocking to pay their £160 for the chance to spend a weekend in a muddy field watching Billy Bragg, Gilbert O' Sullivan and Shakin' Stevens. They've even lined up The Wurzels. I suspect, Mr. Eavis, that you've crossed the fine line between 'post-ironic' and 'taking the piss' this year. How about for 2009 you try something you haven't done for the last three decades or so? Grow some fucking produce on your poxy farm.

7th June '08 - I had a never-ending dream last night that I was on stage with 'Metallica'. James Hetfield had me in a playful, manly head-lock as we belted out songs from '...And Justice For All'. Hours and hours seemed to pass this way. I have absolutely no idea what this dream is supposed to mean, other than I'm to lay off the jalapeno crisps I was eating at half-seven that evening. I can still feel the sweaty heat from old Jim's left tit as his wiry chest hair irritated my cheek. Disturbing. How come I've never dreamed about the lead singer from 'Benedictum' in this way?

6th June '08 - After much scratching of head wondering why my computer's sound card was making 'banging' noises, I decided it probably needed a clean. So out came the can of compressed air and the minivac and off came the side panel. You have no idea just how much accumulated dust and fluff I had lurking there. By the time it was all blasted out and gathered in one place for hoovering, you'd have sworn that Uncle Albert had been living in the back. Runs like a dream now, though. Quiet, too.

5th June '08 - I see Gazza is going the same way as George Best; both as a pathetic public drunk and as an unlikely folk-hero. As he was sectioned for a second time this week, the letters pages in the paper were all full of Get Well Soons and Isn't It Sads from the sort of idiots who'd happily buy the twat a drink if they ever met him. Pathetic. When these 'celebrities' go off the rails publically, then there's a certain amount of sympathy...for a while. The first time is a 'cry for help'. The second time is a 'relapse'. Anything after that is 'taking the piss', which is the stage this Geordie halfwit reached a long time ago. Personally, I think we should just let the sad fucker get on with it, if only so the good people of Newcastle can have a lovely time throwing £1.99 bouquets of flowers from Morrison's at the passing hearse a few months from now. Be a nice day 'oot' for them, won't it?

4th June '08 - This 'Global Warming' thing is a bit on the wet side, isn't it?

3rd June '08 - My last full week of work before the annual fortnight's holiday in Cornwall. I'm on the home run now and it's a lovely feeling. Not long now til pasty and St Austell ale time. Woo hoo!

2nd June '08 - Rumour is that Wolves are about to offload both Freddy Eastwood and Michael Kightly. Can't say I've ever rated either of them, so cash in now, Mick, and splash out good and early! The sooner any Summer signings are in, the sooner they can start gelling into the team. Automatic promotion next year! I'm nothing if not optimistic!

1st June '08 - Dr. Who last evening was a Steven Moffat episode; the first of a two-parter. You remember him; he's the one that wrote 'Blink' last year (the Weeping Angels) and 'Girl In The Fireplace' the year before (Madame de Pompadour) - both being easily the best episodes since the series re-launched. Tonight's Moffat offering had digital ghosts, skeleton spacemen and invisible flesh-eating shadow monsters. Bloody brilliant! I can't wait for next Saturday! It's like being twelve again!

31st May '08 - Flogging Molly, London Astoria. The first time I saw this band four years back, there was about forty people in the joint. This time they'd filled the Astoria to capacity and then some. A fantastic night of jump-around music that I'd recommend to everyone. If you've never heard of them, they're an American/Irish band who fuse traditional Irish music with ska and punk. Not the most accurate description, really, but hey, go here. This is what they're like, only much, much better live. Highlight of the evening for me was when a friend of mine decided to go crowd surfing for the first time because 'you only live once'. When they eventually resurfaced twenty minutes later nursing a rapidly blackening eye and an insane grin, I asked if it'd been worth it. "Oh yes", she replied happily, "But my son will wonder who gave me the shiner!" Her son is twenty-one, and he spent the evening at home watching telly. Kids of today, eh?

30th May '08 - Sorry for not posting for three days, but I've been reading. WH Smith were doing a 'buy one, get one half price' on their paperbacks, so I thought I'd indulge. I've been hearing loads of good things about the Coen brothers' last film 'No Country For Old Men', so I thought I'd check out Cormac McCarthy's novel to see what all the fuss was about. On a whim, I decided to pick up his most recent book 'The Road' as well to pad out the deal, and here I am seventy-two hours later having missed more than one meal. The former is easily one of the best pieces of crime fiction I've ever read, utterly gripping and compelling, with the greatest bad guy since Hannibal Lecter. The latter, however, is something else. 'The Road' is about a man and his young son struggling to survive in the aftermath of a global catastrophe (a supervolcano by the sound of it; it's never specified.) By turns harrowing, uplifting, desolate and moving, this book completely blew me away. By the end, I was crying like a schoolgirl. Ii's been a very long time since I've read anything with this sort of raw power and beauty, no wonder it won the 2007 Pulitzer. If you have a soul and an ounce of imagination, please, read it. It's breathtaking.

27th May '08 - Only seventy-one days to go until The Great British Beer Festival at Earls Court. Not that I'm counting or anything...

26th May '08 - Astounded by the Bank Holiday telly this evening. Apparently, what Britain really needs to showcase it's talent at the next Royal Variety Performance is either a woman with a jumping dog or a fat Sikh dancing to Michael Jackson songs. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

25th May '08 - I feel sorry for Leeds this evening. With the shit season they've had, fighting all the way back from a fifteen point deduction to a play-off final, only to lose to Doncaster must be an absolute pisser. Still, they looked a solid enough team, and I've no doubt they'll be dead-certs for automatic promotion next time. All they seem to be missing is a striker capable of lighting the division up. Hey, maybe we can give them Freddy Eastwood! He might be the biz in Division One. After all, he was shite in the Championship...

24th May '08 - Well, apparently, the new 'Indiana Jones' film is just fine, thank you. All the reviews agree it doesn't capture the magic of 'Raiders...' (few films do), but that it's not the worst in the franchise, which most reviewers point out as 'Last Crusade'. Me, I disagree. The worst 'Indiana Jones' film by far is 'Temple of Doom', which was completely and utterly ruined by that Christ-awful Chinese kid. Any improvement on that has to be a winner.

23rd May '08 - We keep getting told that the nation is in the grip of a binge-drinking epidemic, that hitherto unimagined amounts of alcohol are being consumed by ever-younger members of society, and that, unless we do something right now, our livers will all explode. Or something. This is patently nonsense. Back in Elizabethan times, we as a nation, drank at least ten times the levels of alcohol we do today owing to the hideous state of the water. Drinking ale all day, every day, was the only way to keep hydrated. It never did our ancestors any harm at all, and many people back then used to live to the ripe old age of forty with no problem whatsoever...

22nd May '08 - Cheryl Cole...bless you, darling, but you do actually realise that there's no law that states your fake tan has to match your boyfriend's skin colour, don't you?

20th May '08 - I've just bought a new camera for my holidays. Look. It's the tits, isn't it?

19th May '08 - I'm now at that part of my shift pattern where I only work Monday to Wednesday, as I'm on the weekend once more. It's great doing a three-day week. It's just like being back in the Seventies. All we need now is rampant inflation, shoddy public services and simmering racial tension and the illusion will be complete. Er, hang on...

18th May '08 - I've just been on 'YouTube' watching the scenes of Rangers fans on the rampage after losing their UEFA match in Manchester last week. Unbelievable. We must be the only country in the world to put up with this and the reason, quite simply, is that our police 'management' are a bunch of Left-wing-to-the-bone Social workers, who would rather appease the thugs and scum than allow the hard-working boys in blue to wade in and disperse them. If those repellent drunken Scotchmen had tried pulling this stunt in America, they'd've been breakdancing on the end of a taser wire in ten seconds flat...

17th May '08 - So the Championship play-off final will be contested between those heavywight bastions of footballing prowess, Hull and Bristol City, will it? Neither have any money, neither have any hope. I have a sneaking feeling that whichever one goes up will make Derby's eleven point finish look impressive.

16th May '08 - Here I sit on one of my well-earned Rest Days after a week of Nights. Time, then, to add another bit of inane bollocks to the site and catch up with the emails, which is where I got a bit of a shock. You see, I honestly had no idea how many people out there were concerned about my penis. I've just deleted thirty-seven offers for vacuum enlargers and Viagra knock-offs of varying types. How have I suddenly found myself in this demographic? Where are they getting their information from? For the record, just let me say that getting little Billy up to the mark has never been the problem. Finding somewhere to put him, however, was often the cause of much chagrin in the past...

15th May '08 - It's amazing how mis-hearing just one small word can dramatically alter your perception of a conversation. Two blokes in the office were talking this evening, and one was bemoaning his footwear. Apparently, his sock kept slipping down into his boot and he was forever having to reach down and tug it out again. I thought he said 'cock', which put a whole different spin on things. I was vaguely aware of him looking at me in a 'it wasn't that funny' sort of way, but I was too gone to care...

14th May '08 - Legislation is slowly kicking in to remove certain food colourings from the things we eat. The latest one to be yanked is E143, or 'green' as we know it. They've already removed it from the lime cordial that I'm partial too, but the next casualty is mushy peas and it's fair to say that makers such as Batchelors are not happy. Apparently, they're worried that if our mushy peas are served in their natural khaki/grey state, rather than being the colour of the Incredible Hulk's left one, we might not want to eat them. What a load of drivel. So we only eat things with a vibrant artificial hue, do we? Like mashed potatoes; they're colourful, aren't they? Or minced beef - wow! How vivid are those browns? Bollocks. People don't give a stuff about what colour the food is, it's the taste they appreciate. Anyone who buys food to sit and look at it is an idiot. Stop your whingeing and get it down you.

12th May '08 - I nipped into the oriental supermarket on the Walworth Road yesterday, where I discovered a phenomena known as wasabi-coated peanuts. I opened the tin when I got home and popped one into my mouth. My face exploded. It was so delicious, and so hot, that I literally wept. I popped another one in, and then another. They were as addictive as crack cigarettes and I sat there cramming handful after handful of them into my face as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I've done a bit of searching since and found 'Funky Pepper', an online company that delivers them. Go here and buy a tin before I order the lot. Also on this wondrous site are hot pepper sauces up to a Scoville rating of five million. For comparison, military grade pepper sprays are rated at two million. I think you can therefore appreciate that some of these condiments are what is technically known as 'fucking insane'.

11th May '08 - Going back a few days, I was happily wobbling on about how I thought the new 'Speed Racer' movie looked dreadful and how I was taking great delight in telling the fanboys on AICN that it would be a huge turkey, and boy, did they howl me down. Well, let's examine the evidence, shall we? The first weekend's takings are in and they're...how can I put it...bad. The film cost north of $100 million to make and took around $20 million. Compare this with 'Iron Man', which cost $135 million and took $98 million on opening. Hmm...what we have here folks, is what's known in the trade as a 'flop'. I love it when I'm right! So now I'm off the tell the fanboys 'I told you so' and tune 'em up even more. Wicked, ain't I? Is it as bad as I'm making out? Click here for the first seven minutes of the, ahem, 'story' and see what you think...

10th May '08 - Ooh crikey, it's hot! We've had three glorious long, sunny afternoons on the trot. I hope this doesn't constitute Summer this year. It did this time last year. Everything was gorgeous for three weeks until I got to Cornwall, when it pissed down for a fortnight. Where's this global warming when you need it? Ah, sorry. It's 'on hold' for a decade, isn't it? I forgot.

9th May '08 - I'm absolutely livid that 'TalkSport', my favourite radio station, has sacked the mighty James Whale for telling the listeners of London to vote for Boris Johnson. This is down to new director Moz Dee (and what a trendy, right-on name that is) taking a firm stance against his presenters being overtly politically biased. Right, so you'll be getting rid of George Galloway too then, will you Moz? After all, the 'Respect' party councillor was there again this evening, no doubt peddling his usual left-wing bollocks. Or is it only the right-wing political view you're interested in silencing? Well, that's one long-term listener your station has just lost, and I'm not the only one either from what my mates have been telling me. Way to go, Moz! Sack your most successful 'shock jock' for being controversial. What are you going to do when Galloway starts his next vile anti-Israel rant? Give him a raise, probably. Wanker.

7th May '08 - Well, that's it. 'Is This You?' is finally open and will be featuring my photo captions from now on. A picture is worth a thousand words, so they say, which is how the idea came about. I'm trying to do something along the lines of the 'Have I Got News For You' picture round in order to generate a cheap laugh. Hope you like it...

6th May '08 - Click here for the latest trailer for 'The Dark Knight'. Is it me, or is there a fairly hefty spoiler two thirds of the way in? You know, the Maggie Gyllenhaal thing? I would've thought that such an OMG moment as Joker chucking Batman's childhood sweetheart out of the window would be something that Warner Bros wouldn't want leaked before the movie was released. The fact that it's there makes me wonder just how much of a rollercoaster ride this film will be if they can afford to toss out a killer moment like that in the bloody trailer! Can't wait, kiddies!

5th May '08 - Now that the dust has settled, all that remains to be said is that if Hollywood plans to remake 'Dead Man Walking', they ought to give Gordon Brown a call, as he's doing a sterling impression of one at the moment.

4th May '08 - Wolves 1 Plymouth 0. Like pulling teeth, that was. By the time we'd got the goal we needed to make the last play-off spot, Watford had equalised at Blackpool, meaning we had to stick another two past Plymouth to take Watford on goal difference.We didn't. It could all have been redeemed in injury time though, when Blackpool were awarded a penalty, but they missed it and so it's another season in the Championship for Mick and the lads. Still, next year, we'll...ah, bollocks, I say this every May, don't I?

3rd May '08 - I had a 'moment' today, as the girls went for a bit of a shop, so I took myself off the the multiplex to see 'Iron Man'. I was never really much of an Iron Man or Avengers fan as a kid, being more of an X-Men junkie, but I can honestly say this is pretty much the best superhero film to date. It's got a good story that's well plotted, decent effects, and some top-notch acting, with Robert Downey Jr absolutely nailing the billionaire playboy persona of Tony Stark. Well worth your time and effort seeing on a big screen. If you rated 'Spider Man 2' and 'X2' as the benchmark superhero films then give 'Iron Man' a go. It's even better.

2nd May '08 - I thought the 'Rainbow' clip on last week's 'Have I Got News For You' was funny enough, but the guest presenter this week was Brian Blessed. I have never laughed out loud at this show so much in all the years it's been on. Somebody sign the man up now! Angus who?

1st May '08 - Well, I did my bit. Straight into the Polling Station after work to vote for Boris. I asked the lady in there what the turnout had been like. She said 'unusually high'. Either Ken's supporters are rallying round him in droves here in Streatham or people are turning up to make sure they get rid of the bloke. I wonder which it is...

29th April '08 - It's a 'double rollover' on tomorrow night's Lottery, meaning that someone will win eleven million pounds. This is indeed an impressive sum of money, but does anyone else remember ten years ago when the normal Saturday Lotto jackpot was seven or eight million? This 'jackpot' has gone over twice and it's 'only' eleven million? What's going on? I decided to have a look and, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act 2000, I was able to go here and see that sales for the Lotto are positively roaring. Indeed, for the most part, they're going up year on year. So where is all the money going? Either half the punters are no longer playing (which, if you've ever queued to put your ticket on at any supermarket tobacco counter, you'll know isn't the case), or Camelot are carving themselves an increasingly large slice of the pie. Well, like I said, the relevant information is out there, it just seems to me that Camelot are counting on the fact that we won't go checking because we're too stupid, and for the most part, they're correct in their assumption, aren't they? I mean, they got another bloody fiver off me this morning...

26th April '08 - Coventry 1 Wolves 1. You'd think that would've been that, wouldn't you? Except that Crystal Palace lost to Hull, meaning it all goes to the last game next Sunday. We have to beat Plymouth and pray that Blackpool beat Watford or Palace lose against Burnley. Come on, Les - have a word with your lads for us!

25th April '08 - Well, it had to happen, I suppose. The green light has now been given for a new series of 'Blake's 7'. Thankfully, it's being commissioned by Sky, so Russell T. Davis won't be getting anywhere near the thing (meaning there'll be no 'gaying-up' of Avon, for which we can all be eternally grateful.) People tend to remember 'Blake's 7' for all the wrong reasons: cheap sets, dodgy Servalan costumes and appalling special effects. What they forget are the excellent scripts and entertainingly subversive storylines. 'Blake's 7' lent it's influence to so many later series (notably 'Farscape', 'Babylon 5' and, most of all, the rather brilliant 'Firefly'.) For once, I'm all in favour of a 're-imagining'. Done correctly (a la 'Battlestar Galactica'), this could be the tits. They'll have to get the right actor to play the charismatic, sociopathic genius Avon though. Any suggestions?

24th April '08 - Big debate amongst the lads in the office today about whether quirky-looking Hollywood actress Hillary Swank would get a portion or not. I said 'yes', but then again, I'm a sleazy hound. What do you reckon, yes or no?

23rd April '08 - I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to go out and buy 'Grand Theft Auto IV', but I keep looking at it online and thinking how awesome it's going to be. The Fishwife thinks I should just swallow my pride and go and be ripped off for a PS3 if I want it that much, but I have my principles! Why should I pay in pounds for a 40GB machine what the Septics pay in dollars for a 60GB one? Just because the rest of my countrymen are moronic retards who will queue up to be stolen from doesn't mean I have to follow suit! Shame, it does look a stonking game. I'll give this recession a few more months to bite and then get one cheap when everyone is busy buying food instead.

22nd April '08 - Wolves 3 Cardiff 0. Aw crap. You see, that's what I hate about my team. The moment you write the season off, they decide to display a bit of spirit and prolong the agony. Before today, we were five points behind Crystal Palace with a game in hand and facing Dave Jones's side; who normally give us a good seeing-to. Now, we're only two points adrift and praying that we win against Coventry and Plymouth while Palace mess up against one of their last two. Too stressful, Mick! Oh well, at least he's built the team for next season. If we're not up this year, we surely will be next. And yes, I remember saying this last year. And the one before that...

21st April '08 - I see John Prescott was as successful a Bulimic as he was a Home Secretary. He obviously had no problem getting the pies on board, it was the sticking the fingers down the throat bit he had diffuculty with. Anyway, cynic that I am, when Nu-Labour drops one of these out-of-the-blue, WTF stories on us, I tend to look around for the other news being buried. Either this was simply a shameful plug for the fat whack's autobiography or a blatant smokescreen to cover the fact that fifty billion pounds of taxpayer's money has just been 'loaned' to the City to prop up the wobbly money market. Time will tell...

20th April '08 - Highly irritated by the fact old Gordon is honking on the world stage about Robert Mugabe clinging onto power when the election results appear to show otherwise. At least Mugabe held an election, you swivel-eyed Scotch twat.

19th April '08 - Wolves 1 Ipswich 1. And with a ninety-fourth minute equaliser, the sister-shagging yokels effectively end our season. Five points off the play-offs with only three games left. Oh well, roll on August...

18th April '08 - Oh Lordy. Tom Cruise is apparently gearing up to make his own 'Sci-Fi trilogy' according to Variety magazine. What's the betting it's based on something that fruitcake L.Ron Hubbard devised? Tom, baby, Scientology is a weird cult and nobody likes a weird cult. Sorry, but there it is. I predict if the Cruiser goes ahead with this, he'll do a Michael Jackson and piss all the money and credibility from the last twenty years right up the wall. 'Battlefield Earth', anyone?

16th April '08 - I have found an entertaining and rewarding new sport. It's called 'Rip The Piss Out Of The Sad Fanboys' and anyone can play. All you have to do is go to 'Aint It Cool', the rather excellent geek movie news site here and set up an account. Then, simply jump onto one of the topics, find out what the concensus of opinion is and loudly disagree with it. Pretty soon all the nerds are baying for your blood and typing pages and pages of rhetoric justifying their point of view and belittling yours, even though you really don't give a toss and are only there to tune them up. Marvellous stuff! My favourite at the moment is to loudly and repeatedly slag off the new Wachowski Brothers movie 'Speed Racer', which, to be fair, looks truly dreadful, but to a fervent seventeen year old American kid alone in his bedroom typing himself into a frenzy, it's pretty much the second coming. I simply wait until a dozen or so of the little tykes post a line attributing to it's 'awesomeness' and then on I go, telling them that it looks shit and that it'll be lucky to get it's money back. Hey presto! Instant shriekfest! I love it! There's a Doctor Who page too. Believe me, nothing gets Who fans riled up like telling them you thought Colin Baker was the best Doctor. Go on, give it a go. It's like shooting fish in a barrel...

15th April '08 - Wolves 0 Scum 1. Arse biscuits. One scabby point from two games in hand. I reckon that's about it for this season. I just can't see us pulling back a three point gap from Crystal Palace in the few games we have left, certainly not against the likes of Ipswich and Cardiff. Oh well, Super Mick has now built the side he wanted. Roll on next season and automatic promotion!

14th April '08 - It's apparently Monday evening. Not that I'd know, as I've just woken up after a seven day stint on Nights. I went to bed at eight o'clock this morning and I opened my eyes in bed half an hour back genuinely not knowing who I was, where I was, what time of day it was or whether I had just gotten in or was supposed to be getting out. If this is a taste of early-onset Alzheimers, then Terry Pratchett has my sympathies...

13th April '08 - Things I Lie Awake Worrying About No. 283: Why did they call the movie 'Jurassic Park' when most of the dinosaurs in it are from the Cretaceous Period?

12th April '08 - Bristol City 0 Wolves 0. Right here, right now after this sort of performance against a team who have been at the top or thereabouts of the Championship all season, I am more than happy with a point. We could've come away with all three if the referee hadn't turned down one of the most blatant penalties ever, either. Even the home crowd went silent after that tackle, just waiting for him to point to the spot. Shocking. Still, we are ending this season in fine form and getting better and better each Saturday. Unlike 'Doctor Who'. I have a sad, sneaking suspicion that the shark has finally jumped...

11th April '08 - When was the last time you went 'aargh!' in frustration? When was the last time something utterly pointless drove you up the wall? (Apart from whatever it was that Gordon came out with this week) If the answer is 'ages ago', then you obviously need to try The Impossible Quiz here. Go on, get those neck veins throbbing!

10th April '08 - Is it me or is the Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger slowly turning into Tony Hart? Every time he's interviewed I keep looking for Morph behind his shoulder...

9th April '08 - There was an amusing interview with Rory Bremner in last night's 'Evening Standard'. I love the look that seems to be sitting on the faces of all these media Socialists these days now they're finally seeing all their dreams come true. Anyway, old Rory is just a tad disillusioned with Gordon Brown's performance. He said "It's like having an uncle who's been building something in the shed at the bottom of the garden for ten years...you look through the window and there's nothing there." Rory, sweetheart, the reason why there's nothing there is because the grasping Scottish wanker has spent all his time selling off the entire contents of the shed. Give him another year and he'll have gotten shot of both the shed itself and the land it's built on, too...

8th April '08 - My polling card arrived today. Hooray for Boris! Almost time to get the nasty little Livingstone out. I hope my fellow Londoners will join me. That is, unless they want to have a twenty mile an hour speed limit imposed and a £25 congestion charge.. Then again, knowing some of them, they probably do...

6th April '08 - You idiots pointing at the snow-covered roads and claiming it as proof that climate change is upon us, may I remind you of the date? And also of the old proverb about 'not casting a clout until May is out'? Check the season. It's the beginning of Spring, retards.

7th April '08 - Had to laugh at all the scenes of disorder and mayhem surrounding the world tour of the Olympic flame (an idea first championed by the Nazi party, by the way.) All those sad muppets jogging surrounded by security bods who were in turn surrounded by plod and all of them collapsing in scuffles with little Chinese fellas every twenty yards. Brilliant entertainment! Why though, did nobody think to follow the FA Cup winner's example and simply stick the flame and the celebs on an open-top 'bus? They could've attached a snowplough to the front, too, and then any idiot sitting in front of it would simply be harmlessly swept into the gutter. That would've been hysterical!

5th April '08 - Was it me or was 'Doctor Who' absolutely bollocks tonight? That Tate woman was as cringingly awful as I thought she was going to be. You could see her constantly bumping up against her limited acting ability and dying to drop into her tired old 'shouty catchphrase' act. And to add insult to injury, yet another Russell T. Davies pantomime script. Man, it's going to be a lo-o-ng season...

4th April '08 - My old mate Matt turned up at work today. It's been six years since he left our place and for a brief moment I was tempted to run up to him and tell him that he'd lost some hair and put on shit-loads of weight. And then it occurred to me that if I did, he'd probably tell me the same thing. Sheesh...

2nd April '08 - Re: below. No, it didn't. Theyre obviously going for some deep, deep undercover marketing here and frankly, it's more effort than I can be arsed for. The third 'Dark Knight' trailer may well eventually be a sublime exercise in directorial brilliance but I'm not prepared to piss about solving 'clues' to see it.

1st April '08 - The viral marketing campaign for 'The Dark Knight' ramped up a notch today when a new website 'appeared' here with packages left at listed locations for the first person who came in and claimed them. Clever stuff. Once it all plays out and the lucky punters get their prizes (Joker-themed bowling balls), the site should give way to the third and final trailer. Very nice marketing, boys. Shame I was in Croydon and not Central London today, I could do with a new fourteen-pounder...

31st March '08 - It's not big and it's not clever, but when you discover a work colleague has just bought the same new phone as you and hasn't a clue how it works, you kind of feel morally obliged to change the language settings to Japanese while he's out of the office. I should've saved this one for tomorrow morning and blamed it on a rogue update 'beamed' from his service provider. Ah well, there's always next year...

29th March '08 - Charlton 2 Wolves 3. Back in a play-off spot for the first time since December and all down to the sheer brilliance of Sylvan Ebanks-Blake, who at £1.5 million is starting to look like the bargain of the decade. Another two great goals; the second of which was a piece of individual skill that would've made Maradona proud. We've still got a tricky run in, but we did promotion the hard way in '93. Could this be a repeat performance?

28th March '08 - Finished the final part of David Gemmell's 'Troy' trilogy. Not bad at all. Shame that there'll be no more long, lazy days of reading courtesy of the great man. Rest in peace, chap, and thanks for the excellent stories over the years. Those of you who've not read any of Gemmell's books, I urge you to go and buy this. It's 'fantasy', yes, but not that 'elves and dragons' bollocks - think 'Sharpe' meets 'Conan'. Awesome stuff!

25th March '08 - Off for a long weekend in sunny Wolver-hamper-ton. Plans include lying in bed reading the last David Gemmell book and...er, that's it. Like I've said before, they're called 'rest' days for a reason. If they were called 'let's traipse round Ikea for four hours poking all the bean-bags' days, then I would happily concur with the wife's way of thinking. As things stand though, it's me and Dave and a cast of thousands, all running round in the privacy of my own head. Marvellous.

24th March '08 - Another Bank Holiday, another rostered shift. Three of us in the office today and the sum total of sod-all going on. The most exciting development of the day was around lunchtime, when the 'Sharpe' re-runs on satellite tv reached the 'Liz Hurley gets her wabs out' episode, for which she was treated to a rousing 'wa-hey!' from a appreciative audience. After that, we went into a bit of a decline and not even the traditional 'who can drink the most tea in a nine hour shift' game could raise much interest. I won, though. Eleven cups. Well, it's a matter of pride with these things...

Easter Sunday '08 - Snow at the end of March? I don't know what odds the bookies would've given me on a white Easter if I'd've splashed a tenner last Summer, but I bet I could've got a bloody good round in with the winnings...

22nd March '08 - Wolves 3 QPR 3. It's a good job I was at work when this was on because if I'd've had to listen to them coming back from behind three times, I'd've probably ended up eating my own head in red-faced frustration. Somehow, this hard-won point led to us climbing two places and still staying one point off a play-off spot. I've never seen the Championship as tight as it is this season. No wonder Mick McCarthy wants to buy an EIGHTH striker. Judging by the state of the defence though, I'd be looking to shell out the wedge back there instead.

21st March '08 - I want one of these. Is this the tits, or what? Gimme!

20th March '08 - Even by the standards of the average working Joe, I'm up early, especially when I'm on what passes for my 'normal' shift. At about quarter past six on these particular weekdays, I'm just rolling into work and it always amazes me to see the market traders already out and about setting up their stalls ready for the East Street market. Now I get up early because I'm being paid a decent screw to do so, but to be awake at this ungodly hour for the chance of a three pence mark-up on a cauliflower simply doesn't do it for me. No wonder there are so many gangsters in the East End. If it was a choice between pushing a barrow down the Walworth Road in the moonlight or a career as an armed blagger, I'd have twelve inches sawn off the Purdey quicker than you could spit. So what if I got banged up? At least it'd be a lie-in.

19th March '08 - My thumbs won't take this. Not only have I got 'Doom' to play on my new Nokia, I've also found the classic 'Carmageddon', too. How good is that? Check out this place if you like playing games on your phone but don't want to be sodomised for £4.50 to get them.

18th March '08 - Wolves 2 Scunthorpe 1. Thank the Lord Harry for that! Things are getting really tight in the Championship right now. Back up into eighth place and only a point off of a play-off spot. I'm nearly forty years of age, I don't need this!

17th March '08 - The new 'Mac Book Air' is being aggressively marketed as the thinnest laptop in the world and...er, that's it. So if you're one of those people for whom style is everything, then fill your boots. Me, I kind of like my laptops to do something other than sit there being thin, like being capable of running a stable operating system, having a decent screen and a graphics card that can handle something more demanding than 'Tetris'. Still, it's your money, so if you fancy shelling out a grand and a half for a computer that will fit into an envelope, then be my guest. At least you'll be able to post the fucker back easily when it breaks down...

15th March '08 - Burnley 1 Wolves 3. Mick McCarthy was forced to make four changes to his side for this match due to illness and injury. The result was probably the most convincing performance they've put together all season. Let's hope he doesn't dick about with things too much for the game on Tuesday night. If we play like this at home, then it's another three points in the bag.

14th March '08 - This is the day when, according to statistics, all those of you who are slaves to the plastic will have just about drawn level with the interest payments on your credit cards. Congratulations! For the rest of the year, you'll theoretically be paying off your actual debt, rather than paying the card company for the privilege of being indebted to them. That is, of course, provided you don't stick anything else on the tab in the meantime. D'oh!

13th March '08 - I've hurt my thumb. This is due to me spending two solid hours playing 'Doom' on my mobile phone. I am a sad, strange little man and I deserve your pity.

12th March '08 - An online poll at one of the American sci-fi channels has voted the Weeping Angels from the Doctor Who episode 'Blink' as the scariest TV monsters ever. Too right! Even now I find myself walking more quickly past statues whilst keeping my eyes on them for as long as possible. Brrr...

11th March '08 - I found an excellent thing on the interweb this morning. Apparently, one of the favourite pastimes of farmers in the American Midwest is to cover a piglet in grease, let it loose and see how long it takes them to wrestle it to a complete state of submission. Fantastic fun, and exactly the thing I'll be asking Jimmy Savile for a go at if ever he resurrects 'Jim'll Fix It'. Only I don't want to grapple with a piglet. I want a naked, oiled-up Alison Goldfrapp to play with. "Dear Jim. Please could you fix it for me..."

9th March '08 - According to an advert on the radio this morning, the Government is now insisting that businesses need to register any migrant workers they employ from outside the EU. Apparently, they are concerned that people may be turning up illegally under the guise of legitimate workers only to disappear under the radar and never be seen again. Obviously, this has worrying ramifications for our national security, so if you'd like some more information, why not pop along to the Government's own website over at www.stable-door.com/pissingintothewind.

7th March '08 - Finished all my lovely Rogue beer and also finished 'Prison Break', too. Except I haven't. Because Season One doesn't actually end so much as go straight into Season Two. Arse cakes. That's another thirty quid to shell out...

6th March '08 - Comedy balloon Katie Price (aka Jordan) released her own range of lingerie this week and had half a dozen ladies of all shapes and sizes dressed up in it for a photo-shoot. "Any woman can look great", she trilled. Having seen said pictures of some of the poor, unfortunate creatures all I can say is this: No love, they can't.

5th March '08 - I must say this 'Prison Break' is rather good. I'm about halfway through both it and the crate of 'Dead Guy Ale' as I write this and I'm enjoying both equally. The only problem is going to be when all the DVDs are finished, as I've nothing left in the rainy day cupboard. Looks like it's back to surfing the interweb again. Either that or watching terrestrial telly. No, not watching terrestrial telly. I would rather lick Marmite from a tramp's testes than spend an evening in front of 'Coronation Farm'.

4th March '08 - Wolves 2 Southampton 2. An injury time equaliser for the Saints and Mick McCarthy booed off once more. The attendance was a mere twenty-one thousand and with pperformances like this, it will only continue to drop. Still, on the plus side it'll mean I stand a good chance of getting a chicken balti pie at the Cardiff game...

3rd March '08 - In what must surely be a record for Royal Mail, yesterday morning's order of glorious Rogue beer arrived this afternoon. I've just prised one open and, despite being almost a year out of date, it's still in absolutely perfect condition. (Then again, a case of 6.5% ale kept in brown bottles in a sealed box in a cellar is hardly going to go spectacularly off in twelve months, is it?) So, here's the plan. Get the wrapper of those 'Prison Break' DVDs that Herself (sorry - 'my wife') bought me for Christmas, crack open another Dead Guy (what a great turn of phrase!) and pass the evening in a happy haze. I love this new shift pattern!

2nd March '08 - Well, most of the time an existence in London can be one long monotonous chore, but sometimes, just sometimes, a small shining nugget of gold can be panned from the never-ending tide of effluent that surges past us disguised as 'life'. Take today, for example, when I found this place. I rang them up. 'Chap, are you telling me you're selling Rogue 'Dead Guy Ale' for only 99p a bottle?', I asked. 'Yes' he replied 'It's out of date, so I'm having a clear out. I can do you a case, delivered, for sixteen quid.' Sold, stout yeoman! Several delightful evenings lie ahead for myself and my trusty tankard in the near future, one feels...

1st March '08 - Colchester 0 Wolves 1. Two wins on the bounce now and a mere couple of points off a play-off spot. It's still too early for me to uncross my fingers yet, but Super Mick would appear to have sorted out which of his seven strikers he now prefers to start with. Here's hoping we put a bit of a run together now, just as things are getting a bit wobbly for Watford and The Scum...

29th February '08 - I've no idea if this is a taste of things to come now that I'm married and *respectable*, but this is the first night out with the lads up at Crobar and the Intrepid Fox I've had this year and we're almost a quarter of the way in! Anyway, a good time was had by all happily sinking Budvar and chatting away against a backdrop of Heavy Metal and fishnetted totty; none of whom I was looking at in any way, shape or form. At all. Ever.

28th February '08 - Having just finished Jeremy Clarkson's latest book, I feel I must congratulate his wife for coming up with the best swear word I've heard in ages. By combining two of the more satisfying swear-words, 'c*nt' and 'bastard', she's managed to create the sublime 'custard'. As in 'That Gordon Brown...what a complete custard'. Fantastic, eh? This one's going to get some use...

26th February '08 - After posting record losses for the last twelve months, the video game giant Eidos have announced great things for the next Lara Croft outing, 'Underworld'. There'll be all-new moves and fathfully body-mapped animation fit for the next-gen consoles. Keeley Hawes will once again be voicing Lara, and we're promised a gripping and thought-provoking storyline full of twists and turns. Given that the target audience for Tomb Raider is male and in it's early Twenties, I can't help thinking they're going somewhat over the top here. Simply get the animators to make Lara's tits bounce and they'll shift crate-loads...

25th February '08 - Well, that's me done. All wedded and semi-respectable. The only thing troubling me after three whole days of married life is the fact that I can't stop twiddling my ring (fnarr, fnarr) and I get an uncontrollable urge to speak in a Papa Lazarou voice very time I utter the words 'my wife'. Uh-oh.

14th February '08 - Aah! Valentine's Day, and what better time to lay the news on you good people that the site will be down for the next week or so as I'm off getting married. Yes, Herself still hasn't gone after seventeen years together, so it's time to admit defeat, bite the bullet and get fitted for the old ball and chain. Back on the 24th. Wish me luck!

13th February '08 - Blackpool 0 Wolves 0. In my opinion we were lucky to get nil. Against a team that came up from the second division last season. Not good, is it?

12th February '08 - Following on from yesterday, I got up nice and early to pick up that Special Delivery from the sorting office. There I was, patiently standing in line for half an hour only to find when I got there that the item in question was, in fact, 'out on the van', meaning they were trying to deliver it again. Back home I went, and guess what I found on the mat upon opening the door? Yup, another 'sorry you were out' ticket. Looks like tomorrow morning has become fully booked, too. Nothing like a relaxing couple of Rest Days, eh?

11th February '08 - When I finally get round to writing the sitcom I've been toying with for the last three years, I shall be including the events of this morning somewhere in the series. I came in from Night shift at eight a.m. and went to bed, only to be telephoned by no less than three different people from work over the next hour; all of whom thought I was on Earlies. One of them was my own boss. At around half past nine, the plumber came to sort out the leak in the upstairs flat and proceeded to start yanking the floorboards up, at which point I decided to just get up and hang on for an early night instead. I did get some sleep, though. There was a half-hour window when I must've dropped off into a short but blissful slumber in the armchair. I know this because it's apparently when the postman came with the Special Delivery that I've now got to spend tomorrow morning queuing up to claim...

9th February '08 - Another huge Euro-Lottery jackpot and - miraculously - I got four numbers and a lucky star, netting me £198. I was well chuffed with this until I saw that five numbers and a lucky star was £6.5 million. Ooh, so close to an early retirement! What? Wolves? Oh, they lost again, but I only do 'news' here...

8th February '08 - The headline acts at this year's Glastonbury festival have been confirmed as 'Kings of Leon' and 'The Verve'. It's going to take a lot more than that to tempt me into a weekend of camping up to my neck in shit and students. You can start the bidding with 'Unlimited Use of an AK47 with Full Immunity from Prosecution' and 'Sharing a Luxury Tent with the Cruz Sisters' and work up from there...

7th February '08 - With the weekend getting closer, the talk at work has predictably turned to what we'd do if we won the jackpot on Friday's Euro-Lottery. I confess, I found myself forced to change my oft-stated opinion that I'd have Bono shot and emigrate to a non-extradition country. Now, I find that I simply don't care enough anymore about the self-promoting hypocrite to waste any of my winnings on the little prick. I'd still get the hell out of this shithole of a country, though. Japan, I think. It's still civilised over there...

6th February '08 - Lesson For The Day: Don't take any crap from your mobile 'phone service-provider. After the fun and games of returning the crappy 'Windows' phone the other day, I finally found a new Nokia that I fancied and phoned up Orange to order it. They said I could have it, but it would cost me an extra £80. I pointed out that, according to their website, if I was a new customer rather than a 'valued' one, I could have that particular model for free. They confirmed this. I then told them that 'O2' would let me have the phone, keep my number and get extra minutes if I signed up with them instead. I told them this sounded a much better proposition than the one they were offering. I told them 'Good-bye'. They put me through to a 'supervisor'. She said I could have the phone I wanted free, plus the extra minutes, plus a discount on my monthly rate. Funny how threatening to take your money elsewhere can suddenly focus the corporate mind...

5th February '08 - This Friday's Euro-Lottery is an astonishing £95 million. What's the betting a Frenchman wins it? Again.

4th February '08 - Aw, crap. Here we go again. My third week of Lates/Nights in a four week block. Arses, I'm tired. I've also lost all perspective of date and time. Judging by my shift pattern, I reckon by the middle of next week I should have some sort of grip on normality once more. Either that, or I'll be a basket-case like Britney. Apparently, she's been sectioned on grounds of mental instability. Having heard some of her 'music', they should've done that years ago. 'Hit me, baby, one more time?' Ok, love. If you insist...

2nd February '08 - Watford 3 Wolves 0. As I suspected, Aidy ain't stupid. Mick McCarthy however, is. It's worth pointing out that Watford hadn't won for three games before this, so Watford fans will be thanking God for McCarthy's unshakeable faith in his predictably wank Irish contingent. We've got Stoke midweek, who've just annihilated Dave Jones's Cardiff. No pressure, then...

1st February '08 - I found out today that the entire annual human contribution to global warming is about 1/30th of what natural phenomena like volcanoes and cow farts make. Wow. Tax us some more, Gordon. You c*nt.

31st January '08 - Disaster! My last frozen Philps pasty from our 2007 Penzance pilgrimage ruined! Herself decided to defrost it all day before sticking it in on a low heat for two hours as I'd normally do when cooking a frozen one. Result? Armour-plated pastry. Cock. Now I've got a five month pasty-free existence to endure. Life is cruel.

29th January '08 - Wolves 2 Sheffield Wednesday 1 - Two wins on the trot now and up to the dizzying heights of...er, ninth. As is par for the course at most Molineux games this season, the referee might as well have been in an opposition shirt for all the favours he gave them. Still, our first home win since the start of December is not to be sniffed at. Let's hope the corner has been well and truly turned.

28th January '08 - Some dogs have short tails. Some dogs have long tails. And some dogs have those mad tails that sort of shoot up at forty-five degrees and then flatten themselves over their back. They're my favourite. I'd have one of those if I was a dog...

27th January '08 - Herself is sitting slack-jawed in front of 'Strictly Ice Dance Idol Factor' as I type this. Ho-hum. I did try to see the attraction, but after five minutes I lost the will to live. There was one moment that showed a glimmer of promise, though. It was when one of the gay gentlemen flipped his girl upside down so her head was between his knees and her legs were over his shoulders. If only he'd have stopped dancing and followed that move through as a WWF wrestler wouldv'e done. Orange-faced bimbo gets treated to a full-on piledriver straight into the ice face-first. Now that would've been real entertainment!

26th January '08 - Watford 1 Wolves 4. Ok, so it was a cup match and Aidy was resting five of his usual players, but come on! Slotting four past a team in an automatic promotion slot isn't bad for an afternoon's work. Let's hope this gives the lads the confidence to repeat the performance on Saturday when three league points are at stake!

24th January '08 - For some reason that utterly escapes me now I come to look back with the benefit of hindsight, I decided to treat myself to a Cadbury's Creme Egg for the first time in literally years today. Bleurgh! Sweet, aren't they?

23rd January '08 - Heath Ledger dead. Amy Winehouse alive. Could somebody please explain this to me, 'cos I don't get it...

22nd January '08 - If there's one thing I despise, it's pretension. Honestly, c'est tres embarrassant, especially in the kitchen. Ainsley? Worral-Thompson? I'm talking to you. Where has all this 'jus' come from all of a sudden, eh? Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Let's get over ourselves, shall we? It's 'gravy', for fuck's sake. Say it loud, say it proud!

21st January '08 - Nights again, and apart from answering the phone three or four times from 2300 to 0700, I spent the whole time playing 'Tekken 5' on the PlayStaton 2 with the other poor fool rostered as Duty Officer. This is the new system brought in by the Senior Management to improve efficiency, is it? Hey, I'm not complaining. We've got 'Soul Caliber III' lined up for this evening...

20th January '08 - What are Newcastle playing at? Kevin Keegan? Again? Don't they know he'll be out the door the moment he clocks up three or four straight defeats on the trot. If this isn't the triumph of hope over experience, I don't know what is!

19th January '08 - Scunthorpe 0 Wolves 2. Mick McCarthy is now insisting we've turned a corner. Well, that depends, Mick. If you've finally realised that the lack-lustre Irish kids you've been championing all season simply aren't good enough, then yes, we have turned a corner. If you're going to go back to Kightly, Keogh and co., none of whom can hit a cow's arse with a banjo, then it's going to be business as usual with the two Watford games coming up, isn't it?

18th January '08 - Just to let you know, it doesn't matter how much you yell into your PC's microphone or how hard you repeatedly stab the 'on' button with your finger if you've accidentally plugged the microphone jack into the webcam hole. This might also explain why none of my 'Skype' calls have been connected, either. D'oh!

16th January '08 - A couple of days off between three weeks of Lates/Nights and my brain is all over the shop. I've been getting in at midnight and then watching two hours of 'Battlestar Galactica' on DVD, which is by far the best television I've encountered in years, but not really ideal to go to bed on. I'm going to sleep trying to unravel plot strands and then I'm waking up and going to work and wondering if any of my colleagues are Cylon replicas. Or maybe I'm the Cylon replica. Frak me!

14th January '08 - Back to the Samsung thing until the 'paperwork' clears and I can pick another phone. Ho-hum. At least I won't have to give Bill Gates any more wedge.

13th January '08 - Well that was a load of bollocks. I went to the 'Orange' shop and had a look at their upgrades this morning. I had a good fiddle with all the dummy plastic cases and eventually decided on one of their own models with a built in keyboard. Way wrong move. Got the fucker home only to find out it's infected with Microsoft and requires 'Outlook 2007' to run - a snip at only £70. Balls to that! And to add insult to injury, the 'intuitive' menu requires six button pushes to activate the camera. Wow, spontanious candid photography after only nine seconds of fiddling! The fucker goes back tomorrow...

12th January '08 - Wolves 0 Crystal Palace 3. From 'Super Mick McCarthy' to 'You Don't Know What You're Doing!' in three short weeks. Eight games without a win and a play-off spot is starting to look very, very remote. For God's sake man, will you wake up and realise that your Irish lads may be Irish, but they're not very good. The transfer window is open. Dip your hand in your pocket, now! We need strikers, not runners!

10th January '08 - One of those days when I change over from Late shift to Nights, so I thought it would be a good idea to use the time to strip the computer down and open the back for a bit of a dust-blasting and general spring-cleaning. 'It'll only take half an hour', I thought to myself. It did - to disconnect everything. It then took another hour to clean and wipe everything and another hour to put it all back together. Then a further half hour to wonder why I had no sound, pull all the speaker connections out and re-wire them again in the correct holes. I'm knackered now, and I've got to go to work in an hour. 'Taters.

9th January '08 - A red letter day, for it marked the eighteen-month anniversary of me signing the contract for this fucking Samsung mobile. This means I'm now able to ring those nice people at Orange and pick a new one. It's back to Nokia once again, I think. Or maybe their own sexy one with the flip-out keyboard. Anything other than another touch-sensitive one that kills your call the moment it comes in contact with your face. As soon as the new one arrives, this little bastard gets the Joan of Arc treatment...

8th January '08 - Somewhere in the Bible it mentions a camel passing through the eye of a needle. I don't know about camels, but I could cheerfully have passed the entire contents of my lower abdomen through said needle this afternoon. God knows what I've eaten, but not only did it disagree with me, it waited until I went for a wazz, hid behind the door with a couple of it's mates and proceeded to give me a good shoeing. Maybe it's this 'Norovirus' thing that's going around. I hope so, as I have absolutely no intention of going sick while the Senior Management are making themselves so readily available by hovering around the new office. Share and share alike, that's my motto, and to be quite frank, it will make an amusing change for them to spout copius amounts of excrement from the correct end for once in their lives.

7th January '08 - First day back at work, and the - what is laughingly referred to as our 'Senior Management Team' - have come up with a new way of working while I was away. Basically, instead of me, the late shift manager, sitting in the duty office and tasking my five late shift staff, they have decided to turn the little room into a 'Central Operations Office' (coo!) and task everybody in the whole organisation from there. This means I walked in to find three other managers from three other units sitting in a room that had totally altered since the last time I was in it. There were two members of the SMT there, too, followed by a visit later on from their boss; one of the 'Directorate' team (all hail). Instead of the one form for booking in work, there are now three. Instead of one job-number generator, there are two. Plus some stickers. Finally, there is a huge ringbinder outlining all the new protocols, none of which I'd seen before. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, nor who the fuck anyone was. It was like my first day at work all over again and it wasn't pleasant. The only amusing bit was finding out that somebody up high hadn't quite done their homework and hadn't figured out that sixty-odd people would now be ringing in on the same amount of phone-lines as five had done previously. Oh, the fun I had! Oh, the paracetomol I took! And I get to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day, all the way until the middle of February. Shoot me now.

6th January '08 - ...only to find myself wide awake at 0500. Why do I do this? My brain is programmed to wake me up fifteen minutes before my alarm regardless of whatever shift I'm on at the time. This week for example, I'm on lates, which is a 1400 start. My brain, however, doesn't give a shit -"Come on! Up you get! You've got to be in for seven!" And on a Sunday, too. Arse.

5th January '08 - Well, that was what is known as a 'slight technical hitch'. Basically, I returned to Shitsville as promised on the 30th only to find that my wireless interweb connection box thingy had given up the ghost. This prompted an interesting twenty minute premium rate conversation to a nice lady in India to request a new one. At the time, I wasn't sure she understood one in three of my words, but she obviously did 'cos a new thingy arrived today and here I am.
   Right, in a nutshell, here's what happened between the last time I posted and now:
   Went back to Wolves, saw The Wildhearts (was too pissed to really enjoy it though, and spent the gig leaning against the wall instead of leaping around like a loon.) Woke up next morning and realised I wasn't pissed, I was ill (as is the norm every time I take a few days leave.) Then spent three days in bed shivering, dribbling snot and watching 'Battlestar Galactica ' (new version) on DVD. (Stonkingly good, actually). Got better, went to Molineux to see Wolves eke out another tedious draw against Leicester. And there were no balti pies again. Yawn. Went to Birmingham and had a few ales in Costers and Scruffy's. A bit more last minute shopping, then home to do nothing but eat and chill out until the trip back on the 30th. Saw the year in with Jools fucking Holland again and wondered how Kylie could be singing 'live' with him when she was in Australia at the time. Watched the fireworks (or was it the start of the Islamic insurrection) outside my window until 01:00, then off to bed...
  A couple more days lounging around eating the mountain of sausage rolls and mini samosas that we always buy too much of, Finished off the sweet, sweet beer, read the last of the Christmas books then packed up and drove back to the festering shit-pit known as London. Went to bed at half ten knowing that I didn't have to be back at work for two days so I could look forward to one last long lie in.

16th December '07 - Well, that's it from me until the 30th. Unlike last year, I'm not working Christmas, so it's off to Wolverhampton for ale and...well, ale, really. If anyone's got tickets for The Wildhearts tomorrow, Big Wayne and I will be in The Giffard Arms from about half-six, so come and have a brew. Meanwhile, have a stonking time and I'll be back on the 30th. Ciao, peasants!

15th December '07 - QPR 0 Wolves 0. Utter bollocks against the team at the bottom of the table. Simply not good enough, and booed off for the third time in three matches. We're now eighth and the scum are top, which Big Wayne is going to love reminding me about at the Wildhearts gig on Monday. Mick, get rid of Keogh in January when the window opens. Yes, he can run, but that's not much good when you're scared of the ball like his is. Kightly is gun-shy in front of gaol and Eastwood simply hasn't justified the hype. Time for a rethink, Mick. I bet you're regretting knocking the South Korea job on the head now, aren't you?

14th December '07 - I love the noise of certain fireworks. You know that hearty 'Pssffttt!' sound that rockets make as they launch their way skywards. Yep, that's a fine old sound, to be sure. Not, however, when it comes from the back of my laptop. Bollocks.

13th December '07 - It's just occurred to me that, as one of the so-called 'sick-note' culture of Civil Service employees, I haven't had a day off sick all year. I must be ill...

12th December '07 - My brother-in-law, the estimable Homer J. Simpson has found this. He descibes it as being 'fucking gorgeous' which is high praise indeed from an alemeister such as he. I've taken the liberty of ordering a couple of minicasks for the festive season instead of the usual Enville Old Porter, so it had better be good or I'm going to make him drink the whole lot. Actually, that's probably what he's hoping for...

11th December '07 - Had an out-of-hours guided tour round the Tower of London this evening courtesy of a colleague who's a mate of one of the Yeoman Warders (that's 'Beefeaters' to you peasants.) Really spooky wandering round the White Tower in the dark, and kind of trippy thinking of the thousand years of history looming above you. We also saw the Ceremony of the Keys, which has been going on every night for over seven hundred years. Later on, we were guests in the Yeoman's private bar (which was subsidised, too - wa-hey!) All in all, a rather pleasant treat for Christmas. It was nice to finally wander round the Tower without the throngs of tourists.

10th December '07 - Wa-hey! The start of my final week of work this year! After Friday, that's it. Back to Wolverhampton and over to the Enville brewery for the purchase of my Christmas barrel of Enville Old Porter, up to The Civic for The Wildhearts' Christmas gig, over to Birmingham to check out the Bavarian Market with all the lagers and sausages, down to Costermongers for more beer and some catching up with the lads, round Wolvo itself for some last minute shopping and a pint or two in The Giffard Arms, up to Molineux on the Saturday for the Leicester game and finally, chill out on the big day itself. Phew! Time off? I'm going to need a holiday after this...

9th December '07 - It said on the radio this morning that each credit-card holder was carrying an average of £2,600 of debt on their plastic. To those of you in this position heading into the festive season, all I can say is this: Moron.

8th December '07 - Wolves 2 Burnley 3. I must say I'm impressed with 'Domino's'. I tried their online ordering for the first time and barely half an hour later, the girls and I were tucking into a large, hot half-and-half. They had 'Hawaiian', I had 'Spicy Hot' and we all had garlic bread. Fantastic stuff, and we'll be doing this again as a weekend treat. What? The football? Oh that was bollocks.

7th December '07 - Took my team out for a Christmas meal this evening, which we decided to have at 'Porters' in Covent Garden. I'd considered all the options and the idea of a huge steak and Guinness pie with chips and a selection of different real ales won out fairly quickly. After stuffing our faces, we retired to what used to be 'The Griffin'; a dingy little boozer directly outside the entrance to Charing Cross tube station. I say 'used to be', as in the ten years since I was last there it has been tarted up and renamed. I cannot remember what it is called now, though, owing to the scuppering of my carefully laid plans of the mid-Nineties. You see, when I was drinking there last time, I would merrily sup away until they turned up the lights. I would then know it was gone eleven and I would order one for the road before dashing out to catch the last tube south. But the licensing hours have changed now, haven't they? There was no 'lights-up'. It wasn't until I looked at my phone and saw it was Saturday that I realised I had missed the tube. One long walk to the night bus, a twenty-minute wait and a forty minute ride later and it's the wrong side of two o' clock and I'm hungry again and all the kebab shops in Streatham are long closed. Arse. I want it to be 1996 again. It all made sense then...

5th December '07 - It all came together at work today. The training programmes I'd been working on for months were agreed by the big boys, the step-by-step flowcharts I'd made for the new and the forgetful went up on the wall and, to cap it all, the boss shook my hand for a photo and presented me with the Diploma I'd attained last month. Days like these are sweet. It's always nice to put a little hope in your soul. It's always nice to put a little soap in your hole too, but that's another story...

4th December '07 - Barnsley 1 Wolves 0. I don't understand this. We were unbeaten in seven games before this match so what does Super Mick do? He changes three players out of the starting line-up and this is the result. Ok, I know we were 'winning ugly', but who cares? This result dropped us from third to sixth, which is not good enough when things are this tight. Luckily, the scum lost too, which means there are now only two points seperating five teams between second and sixth. It's down to bottle from now on. Have we got it?

3rd December '07 - I saw something that sent a chill down my spine whilst walking around Woolworth's today. Fruit and Nut Toblerone. Jesus, who came up with that idea? A consortium of dentists?

2nd December '07 - I've just found out that Tim Burton's next project (after 'Sweeney Todd') will be his 're-imagining' of 'Alice in Wonderland'. Now there are two trains of thought on this, Tim. If you're thinking about a cosy, jolly 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' style romp with Johnny Depp and your bloody missus in it, then don't bother. On the other hand, if you're thinking of going down the American McGee video game route then, bring it on, baby! A twenty year old Alice in fishnets wielding a kitchen knife; a tattooed and pierced Cheshire Cat; razor-edged playing cards. What's not to like?

1st December '07 - Wolves 1 Preston North End 0. In a sharp contrast to the midweek match, this was end to end stuff played at a hundred miles an hour...for the first twenty minutes. After that, everyone was knackered and it turned into a typical Wolves match. Oh well, Im not going to honk about the lack of finishing when we're up to third now. The rest of the matches this month don't look particularly frightening propositions, either. Barnsley, Burnley, QPR and Leicester. Hmm...an automatic promotion spot would make a lovely Christmas present, wouldn't it?

30th November '07 - A quick search of the international domain registry this morning shows that www.amywinehouseisdead.com can be yours for as little as nine quid. Likewise, you can treat yourself to www.amywinehouseisastiff.com for the same price. The more forward-thinking among you may consider www.amywinehouselegend.com a safer bet. This, too, is still up for grabs at less than fifteen dollars, but why bother with that when you could have www.byebyejunkiebitch.com for the same price? Go on, anticipate a guaranteed future market! That's what entrepreneurism is all about. Jump on the bandwagon while you still can! It's all down to you now, Amy love. Make us all rich!

28th November '07 - Wolves 1 Colchester 0. I really wouldn't've wanted to have spent twenty-nine quid sitting through this load of bollocks. I was bored shitless, waiting for it to end as it was - and I was nice and warm behind my pc in the comfort of my own living room. Anyone freezing their cobs off at Molineux deserves a free balti pie next time in my opinion. Still, another three points is another three points. Fourth now!

27th November '07 - There's a real, full-sized 'Elvira & The Party Monsters' pinball machine on eBay right now. A bargain at only $1,200! This is one of the old-school classics and I had many, many happy hours on one of these in the Giffard Arms back in Wolverhampton at the arse-end of the '80s. I know I could find room for it. We could swap our king-size bed for a single. I'm sure Herself wouldn't mind...

26th November '07 - Got my first Christmas card today, but unfortunately it had to go in the bin on account of it saying 'Season's Greetings'. It was a nice thought, but for the record I only accept ones that have the word 'Christmas' on them. I'm not a Jesus-freak or anything, but our Islamic bretheren are extremely touchy about their 'religion', so I've decided to be the same. It's a Christian holiday, I was baptised a Christian and the festival is called 'Christmas' (the clue's in the first six letters), so any ones you send with 'Happy Christmas' or 'Merry Christmas' on will be lovingly placed on the mantlepiece here at Fish Towers. Any 'Season's Greetings'' or Happy fucking Holidays' are going straight into the recycling bin. I'm not ungrateful...well, yes, I am. Put some thought into it.

25th November '07 - Scum 0 Wolves 0. To be fair, that was about the right result. Both teams went hell for leather and both had decent chances. It says something about the scum's firepower at the moment that this was the first 0-0 draw they've had in 73 games. And Wayne Hennessy saved a penalty, too! Up to fifth spot now...

23rd November '07 - Out walking on Tooting Bec this afternoon when I noticed that the colour of the 'Lightning White Ice Skullfucker' cider that Terry Ramp and his mates were drinking was exactly the same hue as the bottle of de-icer in Herself's motor. Hmm...I wonder what the price difference to alcohol content ratio is? Terry could be selling himself short here...

21st November '07 - Bye bye, McClaren, you clueless tit. To be honest, I'm not the slightest bit fussed about England's exit from Euro 2008. The side are not a collection of professional sportsmen, they're a bunch of 'D-list' nonebrities who are only interested in trousering their £100,000 a week and sorting out the next sponsorship deal. The irony is, the only one playing with any commitment tonight was the only real 'celebrity' there. Kudos to Mr. Beckham, a nod to Mr. Crouch, and the rest of you losers can fuck off...

20th November '07 - If we're all supposed to be cutting down our energy usage to reduce our carbon footprint (and I even managed to type that without the usual cynical smirk), then how come all the shopping complexes and big business premises that I drive past in the wee small hours on Night Shift are all there with every light merrily blazing away with no-one in whatsoever in the building? So, according to this so-called 'Government', I'm supposed to help save the planet by fitting dimmer switches and low-cost(!) bulbs at great personal expense while the Chairmen of Barclays, HSBC and all the other fat cat twats in Canary Wharf can carry on leaving the lights on as they head for the Daimler knowing full well that their office can be seen from fucking Telstar. Bollocks!

19th November '07 - The greatest ever Englishman was Walter Raleigh. Gives Johnny Foreigner a good hiding and brings home chips and fags while he's at it. What a star!

18th November '07 - I'm getting tired of the depressing regularity with which bodies seem to be unearthed from beneath suburban patios up and down the land. Look, if you're going to murder someone and stuff their remains under your conservatory, at least stick a few slabs of limestone on them first. A body encased in limestone will be reduced down to the teeth in about forty days, which is why the Ancient Greeks made their coffins out of it. 'Sarcophagus' - from the Greek meaning 'flesh-eating', right? Honestly, do I have to do everything for you people?

17th November '07 - Many things have the capacity to trouble me in that half-awake dream-like state I find myself in every morning as I sit on the 133 from Streatham to the Elephant. Today's quandary was no exception. As I sat there, quietly slurping a tin of Lucozade, I found myself wondering why the manufacturers bother adding colouring to canned soft drinks like this. Think about it - the default state of most soft drinks is clear, right? It must be, that's why they add the colour. Now if you're drinking it from a tin - and let's face it, most of us are or we'd buy a larger bottle - you can't actually see the liquid, can you? So why bother with all the E-numbers then? My brain went round and round with this one. Must've been all that 'Sunset Yellow' shit...

15th November '07 - Well that's about it for 'Dr. Who' in the Fish household. Following hard on the heels that Catherine Tate has been chosen as the new companion, the BBC hinted yesterday that David Tennant may be replaced by John Simm; the woefully undertalented actor from 'Life On Mars' who played the Master at the end of the last series and rendered those particular episodes unwatchable. Well, those are Russell T. Davies' choices, here are mine. New companion - Carey Mulligan (Sally Sparrow from the 'Blink' episode); New Doctor - Richard E. Grant. Whose casting do you prefer?

14th November '07 - You might have guessed by now that few things in life give me greater pleasure than passing on helpful information. Take today for example. I'm on a Rest Day having just finished a spell of Nights, so what better way to pass the afternoon than to pop to the local Wetherspoons and sample the delights of their November beer festival? Cain's Raisin Beer and St. Austell Tribute were on - two of my brother-in-law's particular favourites - so, knowing he was at work, I felt morally obliged to ring him up and tell him. I even offered helpful tasting comments over the phone, such as 'Mmm' and 'Oh yes!', but strangely, he didn't seem very appreciative of the information and kept saying 'bastard' to me. It was probably aimed at his boss, who no doubt resented him getting a personal call. Poor bloke. They're obviously working him too hard...

13th November '07 - It's about this time of the year that I take a look at the credit card and get all depressed about how much I've stuck on it for Christmas. Ok, it's cool that I'm organised enough to get all my shopping done this early, but still a bit af a swine when I realise how little wedge I'll have in January. Which is why, to cheer myself up, I've bought another sword. Remember the 'Highlander' one I bought a few years back? Well now I've got the Kurgan's claymore to go with it. A proper two-handed bastard well over four foot long. Nice. I can use it when the bailiffs come round...

11th November '07 - More flak for Sir Ian Blair and he still won't be a man and resign. Herself asked why our unelected Prime Minister didn't just sack him. I pointed out it could have something to do with the probable contents of Sir Ian's safe; namely the full report into the 'cash for honours' scandal which, in my humble opinion, may be ever so slightly embarrassing were it ever to find it's way to Wapping. Cynical? Moi?

10th November '07 - Wolves 1 Barnsley 0. Wasted chance after wasted chance. No wonder Mick McCarthy stormed off in a huff at the end. Sure, three points are three points, but this game should've been out of sight on the half-hour mark and very nearly ended up being a draw. A bit more ruthlessness is needed from our so-called strikers if they're to get anywhere near the top scorer list this season.

9th November '07 - Remember: two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

8th November '07 - Night shift again. I wonder what treats I've got to look forward to whilst stuck in the office over the next few days? Oh yes, there's '300', 'Sunshine' and the entire first season of 'Battlestar Galactica'. Let's hope the phone doesn't ring and spoil my midnight viewing, then. And the management still maintain that shifts are a more cost-effective option than on-call, do they?

7th November '07 - Southampton 0 Wolves 0. As it turned out, it was more of a dull one than a tough one. Kightly is still gun-shy in front of the net and Freddy Eastwood is looking more and more like an over-hyped waste of cash. Given his recent antics outside an Essex nightclub and the amount of time Mick has kept him on the bench as penance, expect to see him in the shop window when the transfer list opens again next January...

6th November '07 - Ray LaMontagne, Royal Albert Hall. Ok, so it's my birthday, but I'm going to see some hairy busker that Herself likes instead of staying at home eating pizza and drinking ale. What sort of a birthday is that, for the love of God? As it turned out though, old Ray wasn't that bad, even if he did look like one of the cast of 'Dark Star'. Not the sort of thing I'd normally go for, but I've sat through worse and hey, it's a special occasion. My special occasion. So, in the spirit of equality, when Emilie Autumn plays London next April around the time of Herself's birthday, we can both look forward to having one of these birthday 'treats' again, can't we?

5th November '07 - Curious. For the second year running, all is quiet in downtown Streatham. I used to think this was because everyone is too skint to buy fireworks after having their payslips sodomised by Gordon (sorry, 'Alistair') every month. Then I realised that, as the indigenous population of South London these days is mostly Somalian, they've probably got no idea of the whole concept of Guy Fawkes. Still, in the interests of integration, they could at least get into the spirit of thigs. Dig those old firearms out and make a few bangs. Oh wait a minute, they are.

4th November '07 - This is getting silly now. Episode two of 'Half Life 2' is now in the shops and I'm still playing 'Oblivion'. Never mind that I've got 'Tomb Raider: Anniversary', 'Bioshock' and 'Shadow Of The Colossus' still in the cellophane before I get to Gordon Freeman again. I need to have a few months off so I can spend all my time in front of a PC. Either that or get promoted.

3rd November '07 - Wolves 1 Bristol City 1. Alright, so a draw against the team in second spot is never a bad result but come on, Bristol City? Oh well, at least we're still in a play-off spot, and like Mick McCarthy says, the table counts for nothing until after Christmas. Southampton away midweek. That'll be a tough one...

1st November '07 - Right, it's November. Anyone not wearing a poppy is a cheap bastard and ought to be ashamed of themselves. Get your hand in your pocket now.

Hallowe'en '07 - I'm confused. Ok, so this is the night when all the ghosties and ghoulies are supposed to roam the earth, hence all the plastic skeletons and children in witch's outfits. I get that, but where do pumpkins come into it? Who was it who first made the connection between the terrifying prospect of being overwhelmed by hordes of the walking undead and a hollowed-out orange marrow with a candle in and what was he smoking at the time? Can I have some?

30th October '07 (Devil's Night) - Is it that time of year again already? Where does the time go? Well, as soon as I've typed this, I shall be celebrating Devil's Night in the usual manner - by watching my favourite movie on the night it's set, preferably with a bottle of 'Hobgoblin' or two. As routines go, it's fairly inoffensive, but I enjoy it. Next week, I shall be doing it again with a screening of 'another classic, only this time the theme will be "Remember, remember the fifth of November..."  Well, beats 'EastEnders', doesn't it?

29th October '07 - Fern Britton advertising Ryvita makes about as much sense as Cliff Richard flogging Durex. What does she know about Ryvita? You can't fry them last I time looked...

28th October '07 - I wish the rock pubs I go in would stop having Hallowe'en parties. There's only so much teenage female flesh squeezed into basque-and-fishnet ensembles that I should be allowed to be exposed to in one evening. Two hours of this and I'd pretty much perfected my Benny Hill impression whillst simultaneously giving myself a crick in the neck. Shocking. I've got t-shirts older than some of the nymphettes wandering around 'Costermongers' last night.

27th October '07 - Ipswich 3 Wolves 0. Arsecakes. God knows what happened here, but we simply weren't there. Seriously, we didn't show up. At all. Apart from Freddy Eastwood's half-arsed penalty kick, there was absolutely nothing that gave the impression Wolves were remotely interested in getting some points. Result? The sister-shagging yokels ran us off the park. Coming up next - Bristol 'Where The Fuck Did We Get A Football Team From' City, currently in second spot. Deep joy...

26th October '07 - Nine Below Zero / Dr. Feelgood, Robin 2, Bilston. Although I wasn't particularly impressed with Nine Below Zero, Feelgood were something else. Fantastic stuff from the boys again, and I'm definitely a fan now. I'm even more of a fan of this venue. It's great being one of the younger members of a gig crowd for a change. For one thing, I was able to get a bag of scatchings to go with my Newkie Brown, as I was one of the few people in the joint still sporting their own teeth...

25th October '07 - Since I only go back to sunny Wolverhampton every parrot-season these days, I decided not long ago to book first class tickets from now on. The only problem was that today, I'd completely forgotten that they feed and water you when you're no longer in the cattle zone, which saw me getting on with an authentic Cornish pasty the size of a small child and then being presented with complementary gourmet sandwiches, kettle chips, wine and unlimited filter coffee. Two hours of this and they practically had to roll me off the fucker. Splendid stuff. I shall be doing this more often.

24th October '07 - Cardiff 0 Wolves 2. Result! Dave Jones turned over on his home turf. Up into third spot now and a trip to Ipswich on Saturday, where a win should see us into second with any luck. It's all starting to come together nicely now, Mister McCarthy, sir. Carry on.

22nd October '07 - There was a double shooting down the road from me this morning and my street is still cordoned off while the old bill conduct a fingertip search of the Streatham High Road for cartridge cases. I should be shocked. I should be bemoaning the state that the country has come to, but you know what? All I can think of is how lovely and quiet it is at the moment with the roads closed. These little scumbags should play 'OK Corral' with each other a bit more often if this is the result...

20th October '07 - Wolves 2 Charlton 0. Nice. Especially considering I had us down to lose this one. Oh well, I had us down to beat Morecombe in the Cup and look what happened there. It's all swings n' roundabouts, innit? Still, up to fourth place and leapfrogging The Scum. Not bad for an afternoon's work, eh?

19th October '07 - Siouxsie, Astoria 2. Wow. Seriously, just 'wow'. The woman was absolutely fantastic, delivering a set from her awesome first 'solo' album as well as throwing the odd Creatures and Banshees fans the occasional bone, too. From the opener 'Israel' to closing encores of 'Into A Swan' and 'Spellbound', Siouxsie was totally in command and loving every minute of her new career. The band managed to get the Banshee sound spot-on, the crowd were up for it and the sound mixing was the best I've ever heard in this (usually crap) venue. Funny though, Mrs. Fish said something about Siouxsie looking absolutely fantastic in thigh-boots and a basquey/leotard thing. Can't say I noticed...

18th October '07 - I'd already worked out the mathematics of what a draw with Russia would've done to our qualifying chances last night, but I hadn't bothered about considering an England loss. It just never entered my head. Looks a bit shite now though, doesn't it? we have to rely on Israel doing the biz in order for us to qualify from a group we should've walked out of. McClaren, do the decent thing. Fall on your sword. Now.

17th October '07 - Crucial England qualifier against Russia today, but I won't be seeing it unless I feel stupid enough to pay for both the State Imposed TV Tax and Sky, which I simply refuse to do. Quite a few English football fans will be in the same boat too but happily, the ruling classes of this country will get to watch their team, as the Scotland match is being televised instead.

16th October '07 - 'And'. Such a small word, and yet it's absence in everyday conversation is starting to send me over the edge, such as when somebody tells me the year is 'two thousand seven'. Does anyone else get the urge to grab hold of the offending cretin and shake him vigorously while screaming in his face "It's two thousand AND seven, you cock! Two thousand AND seven!" No? That'll just be me then...

15th October '07 - Not so long back, I mentioned that I'd stopped buying a morning paper because all it ever contained was Iraq, crime in the UK, Diana and the McCanns. Today, I relented and bought one for the first time in weeks and it contained...Iraq, crime in the UK, Diana and the McCanns. Just for added nostalgia, it included that bloke that got shot on Stockwell Tube Station, too. I'm all for recycling, but the news? Come on!

14th October '07 - Devil Driver - Islington Academy. Oh dear. All that way to find out the wankers at the Academy had oversold it again. Shuffling - literally shuffling - from the entrance lobby to the bar took us nearly fifteen minutes. Rammed to fuck, no chance of getting more than one overpriced drink (which was Carling in a wobbly glass, natch) and then to top it all, 'Devil Driver' being half-arsed about putting a show on with the result that the support act, 'God Forbid' ended up blowing them off the stage. I'm too old to go all that way for evenings like this. Scratch another sub-standard venue off Billy's list...

12th October '07 - I used to say that as soon as this hulking great telly of ours gives up the ghost, I'd get myself a stonking new forty-two inch Hi-Def widescreen beast with all the bells and whistles. Having just been informed that another series of 'I'm A Nonentity...' is coming this winter, I've changed my mind. When the telly packs up, it's back to the wireless here at Fish Towers. You don't get Ant and Dec on Radio Four...

10th October '07 - You know, I could've sworn I heard somebody speaking English on the bus this morning. Must've been my imagination, surely.

9th October '07 - Part of my job involves the occasional visit to hospital mortuarys in and around London and I never fail to be amazed by the awesome levels of hygiene and cleanliness in these places. What a shame such fastidious attitudes to basic sanitation doesn't apply to other parts of the hospital; such as where the living people are...

8th October '07 - Sob story in the paper today about a woman who won £35 million on the Euro-Lottery and how awful her life has been ever since. Darling, if it's making you that unhappy, three words for you: Give. It. Here. Go on, seriously. I guarantee you wouldn't be able to get the smile off my face with a fucking crowbar. There's no end of these whingeing clowns out there, have you noticed? They win all that wedge and it's like it's the worst thing that ever happened to them. Either that or it gets won by some tool who buys a new coat and carries on going to work in the factory he's been sweating away in, dreaming of a lottery win, for the past thirty years. For fuck's sake, if it isn't going to change your life - if it isn't going to make you happy - if it isn't going to leave you in a position where you wake up every morning thanking the Lord Harry for another beautiful day then DON'T FUCKING PLAY IT AND GIVE THE REST OF US POOR BASTARDS A CHANCE!

6th October '07 - Wolves 1 Coventry 0. Now there was a game to forget, despite the fairytale ninety-third minute winner. The linesmen were blind, Coventry were hacking down anything in a gold shirt and the referee was a wanker who might as well have been wearing sky blue. Still three points are three points and the scum lost, too. Result!

5th October '07 - Oh dear, it's just not going too well for those chaps at Sony, is it? I read today that they're slashing £125 off the PS3 in the UK (bringing it down to what the rest of world is paying for it) and I thought, "Finally, the gloves are off! They've seen what 'Halo 3' has done and they're going for a marketing war! Cool!" Then I read  on. The 'new' PS3 is a stripped-down version (ie - smaller memory and lower spec) and will come without a second controller, memory card or any games. Coupled with the scrapping of their UMD movie format (no-one's buying them) and the rapid cooling-off of Blu-Ray (ditto), I give this company another two years, tops...

4th October '07 - Oh the joys of middle management! Today I got to go on a Risk Assessment course. I get to go again tomorrow, too. My life is now complete.

3rd October '07 - Keep an eye out for the most bizarre culinary treat you've never heard of. Lindt, makers of the divine 85% cocoa dark chocolate have come up with a dark chocolate with cherry liquer and chilli. Yup, chilli. Sounds bizarre, but a couple of squares with a nice glass of Shiraz and we're talking sheer heaven, people. Go on, indulge yourself before Gordon taxes it...

2nd October '07 - Wonky-faced ginger harridan Anne Robinson is to divorce her husband after twenty-seven years. He is apparently being lined up for a £30 million divorce settlement after spending almost three decades of his life waking up next to her. It's not enough.

1st October '07 - Season Six of '24' arrived today. I love Play.com. I love Jack Bauer. Telly on. "Go dark..."

29th September '07 - Plymouth 1 Wolves 1. How we didn't win this, I'll never know. It could - and should - have been 5-0 at half time. Any chance of buying their keeper, Mick? With Murray out, we need another stopper...

28th September '07 - 'Halo 3' has just broken all records in the entertainment world by taking $170 million in it's first twenty-four hours. Now I'm not really a fan of Master Chief (to me the 'Halo' games are like 'Half Life' with more shooting and less thinking), but I can't deny the new one looks the biz and is likely to be far more engrossing than any of the so-called blockbusters at the cinema this year. Ok, so you're shelling out forty quid instead of a tenner, but you'll still be sat there riveted to it twenty hours from now. Can you say the same about 'Spider Man 3' or the last 'Pirates...' movie? Thought not. And when you finally got to the end of Peter Parker's latest (and hopefully last) adventure, could you have taken your ticket into 'Game' and got half your wedge back? Come on, Sony and co. More shit-hot games and less shite films. Our money is there and waiting...

27th September '07 - Downloading all these mods for 'Oblivion', I've discovered one written by a student in Illinois that removes all the bras from the Dunmer and Bosmer females. Wow, topless elf-porn. Jesus, kid, open the curtains and get some sunlight...

26th September '07 - Siouxsie Sioux has divorced Budgie, lost a couple of stone and looks absolutely gorgeous. Wonder if she wants a toy-boy? I mean, twenty years with a skinny blond bloke, she should be crying out for a fat bald fella about now...

25th September '07 - Whoever it was at Mars UK who came up with the idea of adding a re-sealable strip to bags of 'Maltesers' is obviously unaware of the invention of women.

24th September '07 - There was an advert for Army Recruitment on the bus today. It went 'Get Paid. Get Qualified. Get A Career'. Hmm. Seems to me they've left off the last part - 'Get Shot At'. Wonder why...

23rd September '07 - I've had the theme tune to 'Antiques Roadshow' roaring round my head all fucking day. Why? I don't watch the programme. I can't remember the last time I watched the programme. I don't even know if the bloody thing is still being broadcast