Welcome to the third re-vamp of the mighty Billythefish.com. Don't get too excited, it's still the same old shite - me carping ineffectually at the world - only now I make it a bit easier to read by occasionally changing the colour scheme. I've also adding a new page called 'Is This You?', which I'll be filling up with photo-captions and other picture-based stuff as and when I can be arsed.

   Anyway, for those of you who've never been here before, it's a 'blog. Only when I set it up a few years ago, there was no 'MySpace' or built-in ISP 'blogs, so the only way one could let off steam was to shell out for one's own website, which is what I did. The reason behind it was that I'd reached that stage in my life (mid Thirties, pissed off with life and utterly sick of London) and my only outlet was to go for a few ales after work. Obviously, this used to be hell on both the liver and the wallet and it wasn't doing the sick leave record much good either. These days, if anything gets on my tits, I just write about it here and share it with you good people, which is both cheaper and immensely cathartic.

   Billythefish.com has been up and running for five years now and has had over 30,000 hits. Not exactly iTunes figures, but hey, I'm not complaining. Occasionally, some like-minded soul will leave a message on the Guestbook to let me know I'm not alone...

   So thanks for dropping by and cheers for the hit. Have a wander round and lose yourselves in the pointless musings of a low-watt luminary. You can leave a message for me too, if that sort of thing floats your boat. I'm reachable via billy@billythefish.com should you feel the urge, but remember that this address is in the public domain, so you may want to type your name in CAPITALS or something that'll make you stand out from all the offers for cheap software and penis enlargers that I usually get.

   Or, like I said, there's always the Guestbook. Go on, you know you want to...

   If anything in my humble domain amuses you and puts a smile on your undoubtedly gorgeous face, please feel free to spread the word. Frankly, I could do with the hits. Magazine writers - please don't nick anything you read here without asking. If you want to use my words, drop me a line at the address above. I'm nothing if not cheap

  Billy x

Look, it's really very simple. If you download your music from iTunes, you're being ripped off. They're charging you 79p for a 128kbps download, which is sheer extortion. Click here for much cheaper downloads at vastly superior quality. Or, you can simply stay in love with Apple and waste your cash. Mug.

I'm afraid so, but we can't all live in London and support bloody Chelsea, can we? I've been a Wolves fan all my life and I've stuck with them through thin and thin. While all you fanboys with Sky TV get to watch cutting-edge Premiership action every week, I get to listen to Super Mick McCarthy and the boys internet radio. Not quite the same, but hey, we're skint. The link opposite will take you to the Wolves site. Go on, buy something from the club shop. We need the wedge.

I found this site dedicated to the legend of 'Tiswas', the pinnacle of television from my formative years. Never mind that bearded goon on 'Swap Shop' that the posh kids watched, it was Chris Tarrant, Sally James and Spit the dog in our house. Click here for a trip down memory lane. Nostalgia! Anarchy! This is what they want!

With Doctor Who all the rage again, how about this little gem of a site from the BBC? Providing access to a selection of sound-effects and musical clips from the Doctor Who archives, you can twiddle for hours knocking together your own version of the classic theme tune. Turn up your speakers and have fun tweaking your noo-nahs and bibbling your bingy-bongs. Awesome. You'll be humming for days after this!

It's back, alright? Jeez, you try to update a photo and they start bitching! Anyway, here's the link to Sam's excellent music once more. Watch out for a new improved Sam pic in a few days when I next get a chance to play with the old Photoshop again. I think I might make him a Goth...

Still trying to get in touch with same few people from my former lives. The ever-so slightly strange Paul 'Carlton' Parkes from Coseley, the considerably more weird Kevin 'Boog' Barnes (last seen in Bristol), and the frankly worrying Brendan McEntee from darkest Wolverhampton. Be a love and send them here if you see them, yeah? Thanx.

This is my mate Clare pproduct. She's the guitarist from the stonkingly brilliant AntiProduct and she stands six foot tall in her fishnet feet. With the cyber-boots on, it's more like six four. That guitar she's holding is pretty heavy, too. Especially when she's swinging it in your face, so it's really in your best interests to stay on her good side. Fortunately, there's a really easy way you can do this. Simply pop along to the website and buy AntiProduct's new single - an awesome cover of the old Beach Boys classic 'Good Vibrations' the moment it comes out. Click here for for a quick listen. Good, isn't it? Which is why you're going to buy it, aren't you? Go on, it's either that or I tell Clare where you live. Trust me, my way's easier...

Next time you're in London, why not pop into the 'new' Intrepid Fox and have an ale or two whilst being serenaded by some choice Rock n' Metal? Ok, so it ain't got the charm of the old gaff on Wardour Street, but it's bigger and more friendly and there's loads of room to mingle over the two large floors. Simply head for Tottenham Court Road tube station, come out and walk towards Centre Point. The Fox is almost directly below it. See you there!

Those of you who work for a living and are forced to rely on public transport may well be familiar with the delightful young lady opposite. Meet Nemi, the star of the daily free 'Metro' newspaper. You know, the one that everyone picks up as they go through the turnstyles on the underground when they've been to cheap to buy a real paper. Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with her, Nemi is a Goth chick who spends her life drinking, shirking and having weird, surreal and sometimes downright evil thoughts. She's written and illustrated by a Norwegian artist named Lise Mhyre, who's the spitting image of her creation. Click the link opposite and have a read of some of the Metro's old strips. I think I'm in love!

Here's a link to my mate Rob's page at the Saatchi Gallery. Rob's a damn good photographer and a bit of a Photoshop guru who likes nothing better than playing around with images of dark and twisted landscapes. Most of his stuff ought to be on album covers in my opinion, but amazingly, he hasn't been approached to do one yet. So if you're a Goth or Metal band looking for a really sexy image for your next CD, give the man a buzz!

...And this is Emilie Autumn. We like Emilie Autumn. Emilie is an American musician (but don't let that put you off) who describes her music as 'Victoriandustrial'. She is a classically-trained violinist who likes to fuse her muse with punk, poetry and pounding grooves while dressing like a psychotic Looby Loo. In other words, she's frickin' mental and has just become my new dream-girl. You can check out some of Emilie's music here. I'd love to see her appear on 'X-Factor'. Preferably wielding an axe.

Back by popular demand (I demanded it and it's my website) comes the Dog Judo link. This has long been a favourite here at Fish Towers and the quality of Rexley and Roy's Flash movies just gets better. Check out the latest 'Powerdate III' episode, it's an absolute classic! Click here for some cutting-edge canine martial arts action.

I've also chosen to infect MySpace with my humble prescence. It's about time really, so click here if you're a MySpace bod, add me to your Friends and I'll return the favour. It's still a work in progress, but hey, I'm not proud, I'll associate myself with anyone, I'm a slut...

Seeing as the prices of electrical goods have gone into freefall, I've took the plunge and bought one of these shiny new netbook thingys to replace both my shagged out old Palm and my ancient laptop, which is now slower than a Haringey social worker's apology. I'll let you know how I get on with it once I've had a good play...

Hello! Hello! I'm back again! as Gary Glitter might say (though not at Customs, obviously.) A lovely Christmas was had in Darkest Wolvo, a few notes to which can be found in 'Diary'. Otherwise, it's noses to the grindstone time again as we start the last year of the Noughties. God, they were shit. Still, I anticipate some major fun and games in 2009 as nobody has any money to spend, the banks are one step away from charging you to keep your savings and everybody's house is now worth a quid. Still, got to laugh, haven't you?

A change of colour scheme for January and the flag of Henry V up again in the logo box. Why? Well, I've just read this and it rocks. Treat yourself now!